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I am dying at 27 from addiction to hydrocodone
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I am dying at 27 from addiction to hydrocodone

I have suffered from SEVERE depression/anxiety/bipolar since the age of 10. Between the 20+ doctors and institutions I have been diagnosed with all three) My father and mother both struggled with it. I have tried over 40 different medications...the bipolar meds having the most severe of the side effects. The depression meds had no effect whatsoever, the bipolar medications had life threatening side effects...I stopped breathing on one occasion, one drugs caused me to produce breast milk, one made my skin burn horribly, I lost 4 jobs due to these drugs because they would cause me to sleep 72 hours straight and not be able to function for weeks...with no help for the mood disorder. Anxiety meds did nothing but put me to sleep. I have been hospitalized 8 times for suicide attemps which became worse while on the medicaion. I had to stop taking it in order to NOT harm myself. A friend gave my a Vicodin for menstrual cramps one day and I noticed within 15 minues my thoughts of worthlessness, shyness, wishing death and harm, hating myself and all the other negative feelings went away. I had never felt so OKAY with life as I did after taking that pill. My friend gave me a few and I took them when I was feeling my worst. Hydrocodone saved my life on more than once occasion. My boyfriend saw how my depression had improved and started giving me his painkillers. One time in particular I woke up one morning so depressed I actually loaded my boyfriend's (who was a police officer at the time) .38 revolver. I could only find 3 bullets so I had 3 open holes in the gun. I spun the revolver, put it to my head and pulled the trigger. Luckily by the grace of GOD it landed on a blank. Then as I was about to attemp it the second time I decided to take one of the pills just to see if it would clear my head of these thoughts. Of course it did and I never reached for the gun again. I used hydrocodone as a miracle treatment for my mental illness. I had the desire to start paintings again and actually started a small business selling my art online...and still do. I got a job working for a large company and my self-esteem boosted when I got a job modeling for them. Things were great but I noticed I was taking more and more pills to get through the day. I went from a few pills a week to 3 pills a day...to where I am now...15-20 pills a day. I am VERY aware of the damage these 10/500's are doing to my liver. For a while I was able to get the Norco's with only 320mg of Tylenol but now that I have to buy them off the street at $5 a pill I can only get the 10/500's. I take more than double the lethal dosage and am lucky to STILL be alive. I have tried to quit in the past with no luck. I actually find the mental WANT harder that the physical withdrawals. Not taking the pills I am back to suicidal thoughts and actually held my face underwater until I passed out. I am scared that if I quit the pills I will end up comitting suicide. My dad commited suicide in 2006 and was addicted to the pills as well. I see myself in the same situation. I want to cut back...back to 3 a day like I was...happy and living a normal life with minimal damage to my body. My liver enzymes are super high and my skin has broken out in an antibiotic resistant, severe case of foliculitis (folliculitis) that is scaring my once beautiful skin. I look like a cancer patient. When my father died I inherited $30k and spent almost every penny buying pills. I am receiving a check for 60K in two weeks and know that if something doesn't give I will blow through that money within months and that is the last bit of money left in my dad's estate. I have no insurance and rehab costs anywhere from $1500-3000 a day, which would eat every penny of that $60,000. I would get out with no money to fall back on, and since I've been to rehab in the past, more than once...and I'm still on the pills, I'm not sure it wouldn't be more that a waste of money. I'm more worried about my health. My looks have gone to hell and I know it's because of the toxins built up in my body. I have trouble going to the bathroom and I've lost over 20 pounds. I need help and I don't know what to do. I'm not worried about the withdrawal, I have my way of getting though that...but if ANYONE can PLEASE help me with suggestions on how to keep your mind busy and NOT think about taking pills it would be a start. If I keep going like this for another year I will be dead. I'm only 27 years old. I read everyone's stories where their addictions consist of taking 5-10 pills a day and they think it's extreme...which makes me embarassed to talk about my addiction. I don't know the rules on links here but I have a blog at nightowlartsgallery.blogspot.com where I post my artwork and just vent on life...I thought about using it as a way to tell others about addiction and post my struggle and journey to quit. I just don't want it to interfere in my art sales. My e-mail address is ***@**** anyone would like to share their stories with me...especially if you have an extreme addiction of 10+ pills a day please contact me. If you have beat an addiction this severe I would LOVE to hear from you. Sorry for the long post but I'm despereate. This is a life or death situation and I don't have many people to turn to right now, just a supportive boyfriend and one good girlfriend. Friends and help needed. Thanks for listening/reading my story.
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11 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi,

I read your story and perused through your blog a bit. I closed my laptop and tried to sleep again but dwelled on your story and got up and decided to post because I really would like to help you out to the best of my ability.

I'm almost certain I was taking 10+ vicodins amongst other painkillers a day, but unlike many here, I haven't a clue what mg or dosages and I really never kept count on my daily intake. Just as I am bad with peoples names, I'm bad with mg's lol. A pill was a pill in my view and I would take a pill an hour every day which usually begain at 5am... good lord... I just finished counting with my fingers... and I really did take alot of pills.

Let's flash back 10 years ago when I was introduced to the drug. I remember taking 2 pills every hour. The hour thing was big on me because I was always told they take an hour to kick in so hence the hour thing. I wasn't as bad 10 yrs ago as I am now because as opposed to getting them from the doctor, this past couple months or past year even, I've been getting them from friends.

As far as some advice, there's always thinking towards the future... the far far future even when your old and grey hehe. Just like you have a bad day or something not going right for you one day, the next day is a new day and that bad day is done and over with. Now just try to do that x100days and so on. Sad to say this, but reading about people who are in somewhat... in a more worst position than you helps BUT... helping them out and picking them helps you even more. As I'm typing this, I'm so not focusing on my problems anymore and it's helping.

I'm a little near day 4 now and if you read my posts here you'll see that I'm making it through SUPRISINGLY well! I always say to myself as well as to a few of my friends and family, that I am the luckiest man in the world (or the luckiest man your looking at), the bullet missed for that very reason.

In 2000 I was at a house party, long story short, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and caught a gunshot wound to the head. I like to say my head was in the right position at the right time because the bullet entered through the top of my nose between my eyes and at an angle with the bullet lodged below my left ear. The bullet dammaged my left facial nerve and so the left side of my face was paralyzed. Heh, like you I was not a bad looking dude before the accident, but after the accident I went through alot emotionally... I lost my 'normal' looking smile...

Ok I stopped crying now lol. Anyways its good to get that out once in a while. I just wanna say one more thing before I go. These pills enabled me to do things I probablly wouldn't have done and these pills gave me experiences in which I don't regret and will always keep. I'm even sure these pills helped me obtain a beautiful wife and son. But once they start to become a burden rather than a help, it's sorta like the pill is saying "I gotta go now, take it from here". I mean isn't that what medicine is for anyways?

Wheew, I'm tired. I'm gonna take another stab at sleeping. But hope this helps and hope to talk more in the future. Cya.

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Avatar_m_tn
I know what you mean. I just hate it every time I get shot in the face. geeeze

Your addiction is not nearly as bad as you think and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. Also, you are so young, you will bounce back physically.

If you want to get your life back, you have to see a doctor, and/or psychiatrist. They will help you get the mental relief that you deserve. If you want to feel better, it is time to doctor up!

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1251923_tn?1269773880
Hi Blondeone i so relate to your thread except with me its methadone, yes i get the whole mental health thing no other thing works. SSRI meds anything when you take one or an opiate it like a light switched on, can you get onto Suboxone?, a stable dose every day, not as strong as vicodin or methadone but a bit better. Geezo ditch the guns, I am from Australia and well guns are banned that's scary stuff reading what you did..I'm glad it did not go off, But i totally get that suicidal awful Bottomless pit feeling. And opiates getting rid of that, but is that the answer im not sure?, I've been on methadone for 9yrs so i cant talk, but perhaps getting onto something stable is a better solution for now...... Of course you will not get the high you get of pain pills..... Just wanted to say i get that it makes mental health feel ok....... I actually think they used Opiates in the 50's for depression But then Opia Phobia kicked in with doctors. Perhaps they should make a pill just for depression with an opiate ingredient.
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Avatar_n_tn
sweetie i know what your talking about. i lost my dad last year and he was my whole life within  5 mos of that i lost my 2 grandpas my cousin gave me 2 vics and i felt like life wasnt over. now im 26 and have taken as much as 30 pills a day.. my insurance doesnt cover detox so i have been trying for months to figure a way to stop.
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Avatar_m_tn
I was so pleasantly surprised to wake up this morning and read all of the supportive comments and messages. I posted my story on here a few months ago but not in as much detail and the replies were very disapointing. People mostly telling me that I was killing myself, using depression as an excuse to take the pills like a typical addict and that if I had the money to buy pills then I should be able to afford rehab. Like $50-$75 a day at most in pills is the same as $30,000 or more for a 30 day detox/rehab program.

I may check into an outpatient program though.

But none of the comments this time have been like that. Everyone has been so sweet and encouraging and I do not feel so ashamed and alone anymore. I'm also glad that there are those out there who understand how the opiates help with severe depression and when you've been in that dark place of wanting to die and knowing that one or two little pills can take it all away...it's really impossible to EVER stop for good. That would be unrealistic...but I want to stop taking them just because...and back to the days where I took them ONLY when I NEEDED them. If I was able to manage with 10 pills a week for 3 years than I can do it again. Thanks everyone! You don't realize how much you have helped me just in the few hours from that first post.

Jonjon79...your story was so touching and inspiring. Thank you for sharing..please feel free to send me a message anytime...especially if you want to share more about your struggles with this...Tony...glad I'm not alone out there with the depression...As you know, we don't use depression as an excuse to take the pills...we use the pills as a survival tool when depresison is about to kill us...Caligrl...you also feel free to send me a message if you want to talk about ways to quit since we are in the same boat here and thank you for your prayers Sad_puppy...I need all I can get. Send one up for Caligrl as well.

I have taken 5 already today. If I can stay under 10 It's a start.

I would love to hear stories of anyone else out there struggling with this.. E-mail me, leave your story on my blog comments, or post it here. Just reading other's stories helps those who are trying to beat this. Knowing you are not alone help more than imaginable. Thanks again :)
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Avatar_m_tn
lol lurker86 really you too? Getting shot ***** right??

theblondeontx, I'm on day 4 and things are looking up, suprisingly as I've been saying. I've been through withdrawals in the past years not knowing they were withdrawals from pills, but now that I'm aware, prepared and most importantly, taking vitamins from the Thomas recipe and amino acid protocol posts, this ride is going pretty smooth.

I am concerned about you still wanting to continue with the 10 pills a week. That was my plan originally on day 1 of detox, which was to stop taking pills for a month or whatever, then do a "little" here and there like I used to when I thought I had it under control and feel that good feeling I liked having when I stopped taking them after a while. But from reading many posts here and seeing people who are in their 100's of days off inspires me and it scares me now thinking of taking another pill. But that's just me.

I've been doing alot of soul searching lately and came to the realization that I have absolutely nothing to be depressed about. I only wish everyone could see it the same way as I. I'll be ok seriously, no need to worry about me.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi, I too was addicted to Oxycodone and Somas for 3 years. I am 83 days clean..You can get off them but it needs will power. Get some Diazpam for w/d and Clonidine for sleep, and set a date to stop..Tapering did not work for me  On day 2 I flushed 55 oxys down the toilet. The first week ***** but long hot baths and 1 minute then 1 hour then pretty soon 5 days are over.  My NP put me on 40 MG of anti-dep Celexa, It has worked wonders!!  If Mr Addictive Personality can do it so can YOU!  Lots of people here to help!  Keep Posting and Good Luck

G
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Avatar_m_tn
i was taking 18 pills a day. the 500's. addicted for 4 years. clean now for 2 1/2.

i remember thinking there was no way out. this is the rest of my life. but there is a way out for everyone.

looks like you kind of found out what the problem is. sounds like you were never getting any endorphins in your brain. and the vicodin , well that is what it does. maybe there is some kind of damage that is preventing it. especially with all the different scripts you have had. doctors are really just not helping people. the answer is not always some drug to take. it is healing the body part that is not working right.  

the amino acids heal your brain and the way things are transmitted up there. have you consulted a homeapathic doctor? they treat the body with vitamins, herbs, all natural things that heal it. hah and no long list of side effects and dangers.

i am glad the vicodins finally made you feel happy. hah- at least they were good for something. but of course they take more than they give and are a dead-end cement wall. try not to give into the impulse to end it all again. it really is not the right answer and you will probably be very dissappointed. you have a harder battle than most. but try to look at it that way. it is a battle and you want to win it. and am going to.maybe this is your misson in life.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am dying as well but I am dying from hep. C. I was in the the same position and got so desperate I turned to to the needle. I was shooting 160mg OC a day and was edging up to 240mg. About $150 a day habit. I have died twice actually and something brought me back. But the damage that I have done to my body is overwhelming at times. It's a daily battle. Right now I have plans to go out in style. I'm losing the battle. But I'm 42 and have been ffighting my entire life. My life has been hell on earth. I tried everything as well. CHURCH believe it or not helped the most and longest. But I turned my back on God when my marriage failed and blamed him. That's when I should have clung to him the most. I had one of the roughest lives known to man growing up. But God gave me peace and happiness for the first time in my life. It may not be for you but it helped me an awful lot. I just wish I hadn't turned my back on him it wasn't his fault. I think about going back but I feel ashamed or something. It's hard to put into words. It almost seems easier now to just check out because of all the damage I've done to my life and body. Your 27 right! That's when I found God....if you can find him hang on and never let go! I wish I hadn't.
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Avatar_f_tn
Girl you can do this. YES YOU CAN.

If you have to cut one pill a day each week then you will do this. Do you will do a slow taper so your mind doesn't take it too hard. Each week, you take one pill less. Do not take more than one at a time and no less than 4 hours apart. Your body will be upset but you will be controlling it and knowing what you are taking.

As for the money you are receiving, go to your bank and find out your options. You can put it in a CD where it is locked for 6 months, a year etc. this way you won't spend it. Good thing right? Yes it is. You roll it over each time it reaches the time until you are string enough to use it wisely. Like buy a house right?

I wish there was a way to solve your mental health issues. I know the medicines are horrible. That is why so many self medicate with drugs. You want to break that cycle. Way to go!!!!

Outpatient sounds great for you. You still have your job right? You can do it in evening at places to not interfere. Explore your options and find a good one. They offer mental health too bc many times it goes hand in hand. Have you tried to get insurance through the Obamacare pool?  Are you on disability if you have not been working?  

For your skin issues, have you seen a Dermatologist? They may be able to help with that.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg21929313.900-mindaltering-drug-could-offer-life-free-of-heroin.html#.UyB8EYXqjvU

I do wish you all the care and love in the world. You are  strong and can do this. Think of it as controlling your life. Control how many a day you take. You can get where you want to be. Please keep us posted and come here whenever you need. We will be here!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Ok there us a link in my post above. Please ignore it. I did not put it there. No idea what happened.
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