I am feeling very depressed

I text my husband and asked him to join this so that he can track what i write and how I feel. I told him inthe text that I am at day one with no pills and told him this was my 1st day since our last son was born almost 6 years age. I dont think he knew how long I have been on pain meds. It start before I got pregant with my twins but I was able to stop while carrying them then got back on right after I had them then stopped again while carrying my last child but started back agin and thiat time just got worse. I have been on every pain meds avable which he didnt knoe. I got off all but the breakthrough meds. then just went crazy taking them. Now tonight knowing I came so close to leaveing my usband of 16 years and my 5 kids I feel so sad and awful. What kinda of mother is willing to just drive off. They are my world. I am scared now that he is going to find out the truth about who I really am that he will hate me for it. I hve to tell him teh truth cause I hve spend so many years lying to him about so much stuff. is this deep saddness I feel right now just a pitty party for myself or just being scared that he is finding out who the real me was for so long. or am I sad cause I knnow I wont ever feel that good feeling the pills gave me ever again. And can I find a high on happnes for my family with out usesing? I dont want to be numb to life which I have been for over 5 years. But I have read post where people say they dont no longer feel anymore that the drug block that feeling of a natureal high for life. I know I have been on here alot over hte past few day buit this is my only out let and my randy and kids just dont understand what I feel. I am sorry if I am bugging yall I am sooooo scared. and sorry about my spelling its not the best lol, just who I am. :) well sweet dreams to all that is able to get sleep and rest. and thank you all for being so kind to me. I am so glad I found this site to get how I feel out and seee I am not alone and so far all my gusetions have been answeard God bless all of yall.

[dominosarah]

Telling your husband the truth is very important as our secrets keep us sick.  If he is upset that is okay.  He has that right to be.  Keep the communication open with him.  You WILL feel better than you did with the pills.  They only give us a false sense of security.  Life will open up and you will be amazed at how wonderful life really is.  You will gain self confidence also, something that most addicts lack.  Are you getting any type of recovery care?  That will help a ton too.  Make a list of all the things you have to be grateful for and keep it close by.  As time goes on you will add to it.  Embrace this new adventure, you wont be disappointed.         sara

[10356]

HI mometo.. I thought I would share this journal with you as a way to answer your question if you will feel joy in your life again. it being my own personal experience it is of one of a long time drug addict with a long marriage.. You are doing the right thing by being honest for then can we move forward.. I'm also glad you found us :) lesa

Today I write in my journal of happiness...  I have been straight for going on two months and I'm smiling as I write this... I'm having fun discovering again all the things I traded for drugs.. I'm organized as my house will now attest to as I had to catch up on many years of neglect.. My yard in the beginning of this journey was covered with trees so you could not see my house from the street. My family rallied and cut back trees removed Cyprus and ended up taking out over 2 ton's of cuttings  I have since planted flowers :) My dogs are happier as I do not just sit around thinking I'm involved.. Now I'm really involved they get out more.. Laughter.... I love to laugh... I like a quick smile that is involuntary, before laughter hardly ever happened as I was so serious while on drugs.. It's like I was dead on the inside.. I feel so alive.. I have a thought and I act on it before that it was just what it was a thought.. Speaking with my adult children WOW I will never trade what I hear in their voice today compared to what I heard while on drugs.. Tears fill my eyes as I write for the appreciation I feel that they loved me enough to remember who I was before this last round with drugs.. My husband is having a little harder of a time as I'm not so easy to comply as I was on drugs with money and opinions :) Although I know he is happier having a partner back who cares enough to argue the point.. The love I feel inside is overwhelming drugs have never bought tears to my eyes of happiness...

[sadmumma]

I just read your journal of happiness and it is so uplifting. I have no words, it was just awesome.

I am on Day 10 of my recovery from codeine and I have so much to look forward to especially after reading your journal.

Love and happiness
Lisa

[10356]

Love and Happiness to you also Lisa.. and Thank you :) Congratulations on day 10 !! It brings so much joy to know another is on her way to freedom of body and emotion.. warmly lesa

[laurel453]

Lesa, i remember this journal... we were starting this journey of us... and it is almost two years now. :)

mometo, this is not an easy fight and it's a long one... you'll be tested all along but there is always a better way and solution than hiding behind the pills, this is a lie that our illness make us believe that things are easier with them, it's not... But without them, we may have this first reaction of running away out of our desperation and our lack of skills at facing things the right way. Don't feel sad nor ashamed, you are a good mother and you were not trying to drive off your children. You are going through this suffering because you love them, you love your husband and you love yourself, remember that you are fighting to save your life from this disease/illness and it will take sometime, don't be hard on yourself, be positive and work hard on your recovery and you'll enjoy the life with your family that you deserve.

[10356]

and I remember your words on the journal laurel :) we have come far !!

I agree with laurel you are not a bad mom.. when we stop the dope we get a flood of emotions and they can become very overwhelming.. my husband was taking 1 vic a day for a few years sometimes 2 he quit when I spoke to him of my problems with them in the house.. he was shocked at how emotional he was..we all go through it..

[laurel453]

yeah, the tears of joy for being clean .. :)

these substances mess up with our emotions totally, we go through a jungle of emotions right after detoxing, i would say to enjoy the good ones and to throw away and don't give a damn about the bad ones.

[Regretful239]

The only way you can get your life and marriage back on track is to first come clean. It's very normal to feel overwhelmed when coming off of these meds, sometimes our problems seem to be much larger than they really are. If your husband truely loves you he won't hate you for this, inform him about addiction so he can see what you're going through

[kidkrazy_3]

how long does detox last????

[kimbo546]

Hey Kid, If you tell us a bit more info..What you were taking how much and how long, We may be able to give you more info...However worst withdrawl (withdrawal) symptoms are usually in the first 5 days.