I am in Relapse..3 months down the drain

[kleen4me]

Love this site. Have posted a little, lurked a lot.  I am amazed at how many people actually understand how horrible addiction is and how many times I have read posts and thought to myself I could have written it.  Sigh, been kleen for 3 months.  Nasty Oxy and Percocet. Had an MRI last week.  Blew my knee out then slipped on ice today and added insult to my priory injury and went to ER.  Dr gave me percocet.  Of course, I am taking it. Did I tell him I am an addict? NOOOOOOOO!  Now I am feeling weak and wanting to get my candy again.  I need the percs for pain buy my brain remembers....and I feel out of control and high anxiety.  I know Docs will be prescribing until I get surgery (possibly 3 friggin weaks and post op) and THAT is the prob. Because once I start, I can't stop.  And the Docs can't give me enough.  A one month supply will last me a week at best and I have to resort to other sources/people I had sworn off to make up for the other 3 weeks. But now I am in the middle of my addicition again.  I know I will start again.  I am so ashamed and feel so guilty. I think one must be predisposed to addiction.  Other people get meds for pain and don't get addicted. Why why why does my mind and body feel that once I start, I have to have it like food or water?  Unbelievable.  I'm so pissed off at myself.  Thanks for letting me vent. YOU guys....stay on the high road.  I don't know what feels worse, the fact that I caved or knowing what is in store for me when I stop again.  It's just cycling for me. 3 friggin months and I'm back to sqaure one. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL?

[amberlea420]

hey im understand what ur goin through!!! im addicted to pain pills!!! im goin to rehab and detoxin and it helps!!! i went for only 5 days and it worked miracles!!! find a na 12 step meeting!!!! its very hard cuz i cant barly hang on to my digity to stay away!!! they said in one of my class the different between pain pills and achole!! they say achoel can kill u and pain pills make u wanna die!!! they are hard to come off of its like one of the worst with drawl symptoms!!! just try and get some help like i had to to get clean!!! i was snortin 30 - 50 percs and oxys a day and now i been clean for 6 months!!!! u need a good suport system to help you!!!! TRUST ME on that!!!! i hope everything goes will for u!!!!

[dishmansoo]

This is hard for me i have never tryed to qiut but soon i know i am going to have to the pain doctor has me up to 12 narcos a day i cant even move until my 4 pills kick in then i do 2 more to feel normal i do my recomended  amount but i am at the point if i dont do them i am very sick feels like someone shocking me and i have heard from freinds who have tryed to quit and it is really hard. when my time comes to quit i hope you are all here for me. i dont get high from them any more some time i even trade up with friends  for a methadone or a perc here and there seems to help the pain the narcos just dont do it anymore at 12 pills aday
my pain doctor says i have this is not spelled right im sure but here goes
fibermialga
if any one knows what that is it is very painful so will i be on these the rest of my life?  360 pills a month with a refill for the last three years i only see her every two monthswhat to do??

[talltim]

You need to stop and inform your dr asap. I was clean for over 1 year when I reinjured my back. after visiting the ER I am now 10 months on the pills and 12hrs clean. I am in a lot of pain. It only gets worse. Every time you use it gets harder and harder to stop.

[france30956]

Don't feel bad, I would have done the same thing. in fact, already did, i was only able to go 5 days and I am using again. I am disgusted with myself, but at the same time they are like an old friend. I am so torn and always making excuses. I wish I hated them so much, but I kind of love them at the same time as hating them. I wish I was strong, but if they are here and I can get to them, I feel like my body takes over and I grab for them. I am strong in many other ways, but not with these blasted pills. Wish I had never swallowed that first one. I am thinkin of you, i know how you feel, and I feel for you.

[nefesh]

congrats on writing here! good idea to reach out for help... I also strongly agree that you shouldn't beat up on yourself too bad - it'll prob make things worse - a lot of our suceptibility may be in our basic composition, certain people have a natural weakness/predisposition... yeah it's still up to us and the ball stops here and all that - say true - but if it helps to beat yourself up less, just know that this may be a special weakness/test from the manufacturer... what're you gonna do? I haven't gotten clean as long as you to know how that would feel to fall back that deep - but I can imagine it's prettty bad... just the fact you're telling us about it means you've opened up a ray of hope - grab that ray and ride it back up! I must sound like a hypocrite, but it seems our experiences can really help each other... I hope so!  Good Luck and Hang in there!! Any little tiny way you hold yourself back is a major victory for you and should be treated as such!!        Nefesh

[vicaddict]

Can you take ibuprofin? I would put a bottle of those out WITHIN reach. And when you feel the need to grab, grab ONE of those. Not like every hour..but you know what I mean. They will help some, and may allow you to keep temptation at bay and not take so many of the percs.

[kleen4me]

Thanks so much for your support! Sigh, the problem is that this addiction is bigger than me.  I have two personalities now.  I was just ME before I became an addict, but now I have the normal ME and the Addict.  The only way I was able to come kleen the first time was DR Assisted and a very understanding but "NO NONSENSE" husband.  In fact, he had to lock up the pills for 6 weeks and dispense them to me. It was hell until I figured out the combination.  I knew he would find out but duh...I abused and all hell broke loose.  It was a tough six weeks, he must have found 6 hiding places and I found them all, then he locked them up and I figured out the combination. But I made it.  I have taken the recommonded doseage so far for today.  Here is wishing I can make it through the day taking only what is prescribed and not finishing up the bottle in two days.  

TRACY! LOL, I feel like I know you as I have read so many of your posts but just never posted.  You are my addiction doppleganger ; )  OK GUYS - Be strong.  If it is not in front of you, don't seek it out.

[vicaddict]

WTG! On trying again. You CAN do it sweety. I am here if you need!!!


Tracy

[sunny8008]

Oh Sweetie I am so sorry this is happening to you. First off it is OK. Please don't beat yourself up. Sh*t h happens. You must first tell yourself to ONLY TAKE THEM WHEN NEEDED. (if this is possible) If you cant do that then don't take them. I have only been clean for 9 days. I know at this point if I had them in front of my I would take them then, be back where I was. This is because I have an addition and an additive personality. You have to tell your doc. Don't make yourself sick drowning in your sorrow. Its ok!!! There are so many people here that will help you. I will be thinking about you and pray you will get the strength you need. HUGS, Heather

[vicaddict]

OMG once again I swore some of that I wrote myself! Specially this part:
"I don't know what feels worse, the fact that I caved or knowing what is in store for me when I stop again."

I JUST typed that a few days back. Gee, I am so sorry you fell! That just totally sucks! HUn..do no tbeat yourself up....it won;t do a bit of good in fact may even add to your craving. I know well how that works. Trust me.

But look at it this way....you did it for 3 mos right? You CAN do it again. Try NOT to take until you cannot stand the pain any longer. Easier said than done, I know...boy do I know. But TRY your damnest to do it that way. Remember the suffering you did when you stopped? Remember the hell you went through to get that **** out of your system....and try and focus on what you have done for the past 3 months.
You can do it..you were strong enough to go 3 months hun, you can do it this time. I am sure you are hurting and bigtime...but don't use until you absolutely HAVE to. ANother suggestion you may want to consider? Is tell your Dr., tell the dr your perdicament. I am certain they can give you something other than those.
Please try not to go back....you made such huge progress!!! I am here for you no matter what..and so is everyone else here. But just at least try and consider the suggestions I just threw out there for you.
Man hun I really am sorry this has happened and what your going through. I am here if you need.
Tracy

[mema3]

DAMN!  I do feel for you.  I am in much the same boat right now.  I think I really did a number and might require extensive surgery in a couple months - and I DO NOT WANT TO GO DOWN THAT ROAD.

What I am currently doing for the pain - is analyzing EVERYTHING.  I posted yesterday, what do you do if in PAIN?  I am truly in pain.  BUT- I do not want the pills to control my life - I want to be in control.  Before, that was never a thought.  I never even thought like that.  I would just take my meds and feel good - more like - feel normal.  I never got the "high" - I was just able to function. (When having legit pain!)

Like others have said - you are posting - you can and KNOW the difference.  It will be a struggle - but one you can obviously do!  My plan is to be upfront with the doc - help them help me.  But at the same time, be upfront with me.  I think I am the most powerful factor in this equation.  Do I pop the pill - well, am I in pain or imaginary pain produced by my brain?

Please let us know.  I truly do feel your situation - hang in there.