I am messing everything up

Things have gotten really bad for me at school. I am always around drugs and alcohol and it just breaks my will power down and I just use whatever is around. If I try to get sober and then just drink or something on the weekend, eventually I find myself back to oxycontin. Im having trouble seeing how there is anyway to be sober in the environment I am in. But this is where i'll be for the rest of the year. I am really down, I don't see how I will ever be able to do this. I am also in the process of screwing up all my classes as usual. I have been taking suboxone (abusing it really) for the last maybe like 3 or 4 weeks. Then i tried to taper off it myself and felt really sick and starting taking oxycontin and then anything else around me. I think I have a wd coming, but I can't sleep or get out of bed for school when I am wding and I can't take any time off so then i end up doing more to get me through that day and its just never ending. I dont no wat to do. Sry if i disappoint anyone with my constant failure, at everythng. i dont really feel that i deserve to post anymore, but if anyone can help me get back on track, i wouldd appreciate it.

[dominosarah]

This is the time you DO NEED to post.  We are not disappointed in you Cassie.  There has to be people at your school that do not use drugs or alcohol.  Get ahold of the school counselor and tell them what is going on.  You have to change who you are hanging out with.  We can and will give you all the support you need but you have to be the one to do the work. You have to want to get and stay clean and be willing to do whatever it takes.  Cassie you have it in you...Now start fighting for you.         sara

[Memory222]

Cassie honey...I just read your story. I may not be of much help though. I am in day 3 of withdrawals from Vicodin and fighting the demons myself but I wanted you to know someone is listening. I know some of the veterans on this site will write you with good advise, I'm barely hanging on myself today. I'm 51 years old and assume you are much younger since you are in school....all my love and hopes and prayers go out to you sweetie. Your in a tough environment, making it hard to succeed. I wish I could tell you to just go home to your family and let them help you. Your educatin can wait. If you dont get clean, nothing else will matter honey. Your young...messing up is part of life, but you must get control of this FIRST. Please let your family know and I bet you will be suprised...I'm sure they love you...............

[dominosarah]

Cassie where did you go??

[IBKleen]

You did not disappoint us Cassie. The only one you disappointed is YOU.

So many members here have given you suggestions on what to do but I do not see that you have taken the steps to do any of them. When we suggest something is it because we have been where you are and we have the experience to help you. We try to guide you in the right direction. Now you are back to the beginning and nothing has changed. I personally do not know of anything else I can tell you that I haven't already in the past couple of months so I am no help to you right now.

When I finally made the decision to get clean there was no turning back. I could have stayed clean in a crack house at the point but still I DID change my environment and I did change my friends and I did change my Stinkin' Thinkin'. I got the outside help I so desperately needed and one day at a time I am still clean today. It takes a lot of work but it is worth every minute of it.

It is not going to come to you. You are going to have to do the foot work and fight for it. You are worth it Cassie and I honestly hope that you see that someday.

You are a nice young lady and you have your life ahead of you. I wish you the very best and pray that someday you see that life is good without the use of drugs.

[Cassie415]

Thanks for responding. it just seems that i will never be able to do this. i always mess it up. now im having trouble trying to stop because i always feel sick but i have a lot to do every day. ive already missed a lot of school and my grades are going down for it. Memory222, i dont think i could leave school and go to my family, that would be a huge disappointment and dominosarah, i have yet to find these sober ppl, but i have gone to my school counselor, and ibkleen, i no that i am bad at taking advice and i dont listen well. i no it. but i do thank u for the well wishes and advice.

[Cassie415]

also it doesnt seem like there is any other lifestyle here then drinking and drugs. its just what everyone is always doing, i just cant seem to control it like some people. i cant stop on monday morning.

[dominosarah]

Cassie, i in no way am trying to be rude here but i am going to tell you the way i see it here......You keep saying i dont think i will ever be able to do this......your right you wont with that attitude.  As for being sick.....what do you expect when you abuse pills?  They are not meant for abusing.  There are people in your school that are not using any substances, you just arent looking hard enough.  I dont believe for one minute that everyone in that place is using.  I know your self esteem is suffering right now and that is part of this addiction but until you have had enough and finally are ready to say i choose life and are willing to do whatever it takes you will continue on this roller coaster ride that only has one way on it and that is down......Get yourself into some sort of aftercare.  There is hope cassie.  You hold that key that will unlock the chains that are keeping you down...........sara

[goodmom809]

Cassie,  GO HOME NOW!!!  As you said, your grades are going down.  Are you getting anything out of your classes?  Do you want to finish school with a bad GPA?  What happens if you flunk out anyway?  You are wasting your parent's money (if that is who is paying for school)  Yes, they will be disappointed if you quit school and go home.  They will probably also be proud of you that you took the huge step to get away from the environment and to ask them for help.

You've got to accept that your life is not happening the way you thought it would, or the way your parents thought it would.  That's sad, but it's the way it is.  Now deal with it, or die.  

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it sounds like you need some reality right now, which is indeed harsh.

Good luck, Cassie

[Memory222]

Cassie honey...of course your parents will be disappointed if you drop out this semster and come home, but TRUST ME.....when you end up in jail or are found dead of an overdose.......well, you get the picture. Be honest with them, get hslp sweetie NOW, before it is too late.

[ImGettingClean]

Hey Cassie,

It seems like A LOT of people care about you here, myself included. There's obviously a reason for that; you're a good person...you're just @ a tough point in your life, but as Sara said, with that attitude, you wont be able to stop this cycle..

1st, dont be ashamed...we're all here to help on another out...
2nd, you need to do whats in the best interest of your health and well being...if that means leaving school for 1 semester, so be it...

To be honest w/ you, the last 2 months, i've been studying for my GMAT, to get my MBA...i put it on hold right now, because of my addiction...i needed to get my head and life in order before i could commit to school again...i would sit in the GMAT classes and daze, think about pills, not fully comprehend what was being taught, etc etc and i paid a lot of $$$ for a 4 month class....

School is obviously VERY important and no one here is telling you to drop out of school, but your health and well being are very important...you CAN do this...

your friend,
Nick

[qiut4myself]

Take the break from school, ask your parents for help, beiieve in yourself and them. I would much rather help my child than not know and have them suffering. If you do go home, get clean, start over at a new school..be a new you..find different groups of friends at a new school. You have to change your self, then change your surroundings to be successful. I agree with an earlier post, school can wait a semester or 2, your life cannot!
Keep us posted, trust your parents, they love you.

[beatingthis]

I agree Cassie,

Time to make a break from school for awhile.
Time for a change. Come on Cassie. You know what you have to do.
We care about you here ya know that.

Terry

[10356]

Hi Cassie.. it must seem a lil like we are ganging up on you here but that is not the case at all.. what it boils down to as a addict we have to tell the truth.. about ourselves to ourselves to our family loved ones. anybody that can hold us accountable.. then do we start the road to recovery.. What I read in your words you have no choice.. You and I both know this is not true. You can tell the truth to your parents. let them know you are going down and your future is in jeopardy your scared.. If you have to Yell it to get their attention.. then do this. It is not a Party for you Cass. If you stop you get sick You are addicted Just as I was as a Junkie. What is the difference.. do you want to be 53 years old with damaged organs and much pain behind ?? This is what long term addiction leads to No matter how educated you are how pretty popular none of this makes a dent in addiction. the only way out is to get Honest With people behind you that are invested in your future You have a much better chance to escape almost unscathed from this ravenous disease.. Reach for your dreams your future and get Honest with your parents. They are in the position to help You Help Yourself.. Your friend in Cali lesa

[gizzy32]

Nobody is disappointed in you, but it is frustrating cause I see you making the exact same mistakes I made and that many others here have time and time again. We care and something HAS to change for you to get better. You need to follow through and work your *** off at this right now and accept your an addict. Your to damn young and smart for this.

I think it is even tougher for people your age with pressure and all the drugs around constantly and the feeling that your invincible. I used to think that, but if you don't get a handle on this, it will continue and life will keep getting worse. I say this cause I care, not to sound mean. I wish it was easier, but addiction (an addict) is a disease and it took me a long time to realize that, but we don't have to live like this, there is help out there. Please come up with a plan and stick to it and if that means leaving school till your better, than do what it takes! No more excuses. Your a friend and i don't want to see you dead. Send me a pm or IM if ya need. Don't give up Cassie. Hugs

[LateAugust]

I have responded to your other posts thru the last several months  and I have the same advise I did the first time....   You need to have a very candid and honest conversation with your parents......  I know you think they will not be supportive  and really don't want to deal with your addiction, however, in one of you earlier posts you talked of your mother sitting up with you all night long because she thought you had the flu  when actually you were in w/d........that sounds like the actions of a mother that does care for her child, rather than parents not engaged with their child's life.

If you are failing classes now,  how long do you think that can be hidden before you flunk out........I think I can almost guarantee   they, your parents,  would prefer to hear the truth from you before they get the letter of term. for you grades from your college.     You have the control of what you do,  regarding  school and whether you are truthful with your parents..........  but IMHO, once again I will say  you need to get honest with your parents...... I am assuming they are paying for school  your insurance  and all additional that you need......  if not, then I am wrong  and I pray you can work it out on your own with some great help.  

Honey this is from a mom  whose  daughter did flunk out of college    lost her  job at the bank     and was so  deep in oxy  it makes my head spin.  IF  only she had been honest sooner,   perhaps  the heartache would have been less for all involved and we could have gotten help for her sooner before her addiction became insane and caused her such grief and loss.      

This is not going to get easier for you  unless you are willing to take some drastic actions,  and again  you are the one that holds that key and is in complete control  for today of what you need to do.  But trust me dear,  your control will diminish as your addiction grows  and it will   until you get  and commit to some serious help.

I wish you well,  and hope you make the right decisions....  my thoughts are with you.

[Cassie415]

Thank you all for the responses. I get that everyone thinks I should drop out of school and go home and tell my parents. That is a terrifying thought to be completely honest. Saying to my parents that I am an addict is so scary. I dont care what my mom thinks, but my dad and all his family I am so close with and socializing and partying and drinking is part of life for them. I feel the pressure to live up to their standards and drink with my dad and grandpa they always want to hear about parties I am going to, and my dad goes out all the time in the city. I feel like that aspect of being sober in itself and not being able to partake in that stuff would be a huge disappointment to them. My cousin on that side, (dad sister's son) already had a massive addiction and went to rehab and pretty much ruined his life, and I feel like because he can't live up to their expectations then I need to even more so. Ugh this is a scary thing to think about.

[10356]

But think about it you should Cassie.. This is not a game but your life.. Do you really think your dads family would put their drink above You ?? People do Party and tell everyone it is fun when young but as a addict the fun is not there anymore and you are soon battling for your very survival.. Do not go it alone. You are not beyond help but keep continuing and it will be more difficult to reach out.. It is for your very life that you are fighting.. Do you think they would be Happier going to your funeral. I do not think so.. They Love you..

[Memory222]

Cassie, I've sat here and read all these entries from people trying to help you and I think I see a recurrent theme. You do what all your friends do at school, then you come home to drink an drug with your Dad's side of the family. Cassie...at some point you MUST make choices as to who you hang out with. It's all up to you, So what if you hurt someone's feelings. You must put your well being first. Tell Dad and Grandpa "NO", tell the cousins, "NO". Stop being a "people pleaser" at your own detriment! LEARN TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!!! please honey!

[CATUF]

Cassie:

There's not much I'd change in my post to you of Septmeber 20:
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/Relapse-after-18-days/show/1003249?personal_page_id=421466&post_id=post_4891457

I would add that your thoughts that you are unworthy and/or a disappointment are another lie of addiction.  Those thought keep you alone, in the dark and afraid.  I've been there and stayed there for too long.  It's much better in the light.

CATUF
1581

[avisg]

I just want to say my daughter is a freshman in college and it would kill me to find out she was struggling with drug addiction and find out she did not come to me for help.Parents only want the best for there kids and make sure they live long happy lives .Will they be upset maybe but they will have there daughter and they will be able to help .
If what you have been trying has not been working it time to try something new ,talk to your parents and go from there in the end you will be happy you did
avis

[CollinContin]

yo I was just lookin up oxycontin on google and saw this
youre in the same situation as me...
about 80% of my school uses some type of drug, but in my town opiates are the drug of choice. I started using vicodin at 15 and then moved on from my own prescription from jaw surgery to buying oxycontin from friends at school. By the time I turned 17, I was using heroin because the oxy just didnt cut it for the price. Thank god I havent started shooting up like the majority of the junkies here in town. Many old friends are now in jail for burglary or some type of theft or robbery in efforts to support thier nasty habits. It took me till about a week ago to realize what Im doing to me and my family. Its not fun having your mom come bail you out of jail and see her bawling her eyes out when you nod off the next day at the dinner table. Just think of what you are about to get into. Oxycontin is just the middle of the opiate pyramid. Ive lost respect from my closest friends and family because of a stupid chemical my mind and body begs for every morning. If people like us keep following this path, we will be pan handling money on a city corner when we should be enjoying our accomplishments.

keep in touch if you wish,
Collin

[Cassie415]

avisg u are a really caring mom and your daughter is lucky. I dont even think my mom deserves to know, she is so in her own life she doesn't notice me and I rarely speak with her. i wish i felt that unconditional love from a monther, it would be nice, and it would probably make me not want to be doing this to her, but  i have a lot of anger towards her and sometimes it makes me want to just go out of control to just throw it in her face. but i had a really good suggestion from sophie to get sober on my own and be able to tell her i did it without her like everything else.  to everyone, thanks for your honesty and advice, its really scary to tell my dad, as it is i dont do much to make them proud and this would just add to it.

[dominosarah]

I understand how you are feeling about your mom.  My mother is a very angry self centered woman too.  I used to fight tooth and nails with her as i wanted her to be the mother i wanted her to be.  After i cleaned up and started seeking help i finally realized she will never be the person i want her to be.....I cant change that.  The only thing i can do is change the way i respond to her.  As for your dad, he is proud of you but i think he has his own issues with alcohol.  You need to be proud of yourself.  Do this for you as you cant change your parents.  You can stop this cycle of abuse Cassie......We are proud of you for coming forward and sharing with us.......sara

[worried878]

Staying in this social situation is gonna make getting clean veritually impossible unless u work real hard..meetings daily..posting daily..telling those who take them to steer clear of u..if ur grades are suffering like domino said..u r wasting ur time and money at this college anyway..if u dont make some changes u will get a diploma for becoming an addict!  I am sure studying and getting a degree on becoming an addict was not ur original intention

U need to reach out to someone..most cmapuses have a counselor..maybe start there?  but do sumpin...dont sit there and sink

[worried878]

correction....campuses....sorry/typo queen i am!

[Greatgreebo]

Don't this to yourself. by staying some where you don't want to be doing things you don't want to do. Your family will understand. You can start school next semester or whenever you are ready.
use the 20 year test....as in '20 years from now, once I have my degree and the life I want, will it matter that I took a semester off college to kick my drug habit?'
The answer is NO...it won't matter a bit. You will have your degree and your life without drug addiction.
Or you can make excuses...stay in the crappy situation you are in and go further down this destructive path.
It totally ***** you don't have parent's who you feel support you. I feel for you. I moved out when I was 16.....got emancipated when I was 17...went to college and didn't qualify for a pell grant because I was under 24 years old and they wanted to know what my parents made each year...I didn't even know my mom's phone number and I couldn't get a hold of my dad. Talk about a low point........BUT, you are your own person at this point.!! That is the beauty of life..... Family is what we make it. You have people you love and trust and you can lean on as your support system. Now is the time to find the people who truly care about you and go to them.
Hang in there and know you are not alone. Drug addiction makes us feel so isolated and ashamed....
don't fall into addiction's trap of making you believe nobody is there for you. It is not true......that is your addiciton talking-pleading-insisting you need it because you have nothing else....Poppy **** I say. find the people who love you and go to them. You are not alone.
You can do this. Pull yourself up by the boot straps and prove your addiction wrong!
You are loved and you are valuable and you will make it.
tell yourself these things every day
Stay strong
greebs

[Greatgreebo]

all the things you are feeling....trust me, we have all been there before. Listen and trust us....like I said: we have been where you are, in that dark, lonely place, and if you can't trust yourself then please trust us. Reach out to from where you are and trust us...we will help you.
You can do this........
Just take a deep breath and live life one day at a time or one hour at a time or one minute at a time...whatever you need to make it through this..

[Cassie415]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. Ugh i think ive got a lot to do to get this right. Sometimes i look at my rooommates and watch them drink and party or do a line of oxycontin or coke and then not need another one for weeks. I wonder how come im like this and theyre not. When u get sober, every single day is so hard u have to fight all day, and yet some people will never experience that. i took for granted wat it was like to wake up and not have to fight myself. I am so stressed right now i just feel drained. i thought i had this under control in the summer, i should have realized how lucky i was then. Besides work I had no responsibilities, it would have ben the best time to get this under control. I just dont want to get behind in school now because if i get bad grades it will be wwwIII with my dad, that is one of the worst things i could do in his eyes, especially since i have nothing else going for me. ive just got so much to do, i cant afford to get behind in anything. i really dont no if ill ever be able to leaeve school or tell my parents. i am goingto really think about it tho. thanks to everyone whoshared their experiences with me and gave advice and there for me. it means a lot.

[Cassie415]

also, at my school i do go to a counselor and a group therapy meeting once a week. I stopped going the last two weeks though because, well, i thought ppl shudnt help me, like maybe i dont deserve it since there are people out there with worse problems i should just suck it up and deal with things myself. that is how i usually think about things, but since coming here (to MH) ive learned it is better to deal with stuff then to not think about it. I will go back this week and tell them about what ive been doing though.

[stilltrying1965]

cassie i think you have a lot of personal issues here which maybe you are trying to avoid by doing all these drugs the only thing i can say to you is believe everyone here we do all care and we have all been were you are but its time to look after you now i think your dad would be a lot more dissapointed with a phone call saying you were dead than him knowing about your addiction i know this may sound harsh but its true i also know how hard it is to tell your family but get back to your counsellour and just start all over again you can do this i know you can and if you have to take time off school so be it rather now than later when your addiction will only be worse please hang in there and take the advice of everyone here you can do this you MUST do this good luck hun ill be thinking of you

[Cassie415]

I wanted to add one more thing. The most important reason I don't want to tell my family is because of my sister. I am always there for her no matter what, especially in place of our parents. My mom is just mentally gone and my dad is hard to explain so I am always there to protect her, take the hits, fight her battles for her, and be like a normal person she can always count on. She gets straight A's is really talented at sports and I know is going to be successful. She barely drinks, parties, and definitly does not do drugs. I cannot tell her I am a drug addict and make her feel alone, like she has nooone. It  could destroy her. Basically she is so important to me and as her big sister i have to protect her. What I am saying is, she is so successful at all she does, and i don't want her to ever suffer or be in pain. I will openly admit that i will sacrifice my own well being for her.

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Cassie - - Its along the line of the old military philosophy's.........You dont win wars by dieing for your country - - you live for your country.   Same with your sister - you wont help her by sacrificing yourself for her.......Make up your mind to live for her. Thats the absolute best thing that you can do for her. And you.

[mego579]

holy moley that 1st post sounded just like me.
please get yourself off the oxy, im in day 4 and its hell but it will be worth it cuz keep taking it and you'll fail school and everything else. it only leads to heroin and we all know you dont want that.
please get youself clean. this message boards savign my life right now. i hope it does the same for you.
it cannnot be overstated how important positivie reinforcment is.

[leeisgettingclean]

girl hang in there, you are a wonderfull person and i know you are going to go far in life! You have a strong will, a big heart, and the desire to be clean, now you just have to do it! I know you can, please PM me and lets talk! I want to help you any way I can. Please do what you know you have to. You are a smart young girl  and you have so much life to live, you have so muck to teach, You can do it, Be strong!!!!

[Cassie415]

thank you lee and mego, i appreciate the kind words.
Eagle, if i admitted this to her, i dont want her to feel alone, like im screwed up too and now she has noone. i need her to be able to count on me no matter what and not feel like she has to tip toe around me or like i cant be there for her. i dont want her to see me in that way. im her older sister, i no she looks up to me ive got to protect her i cant seem weak

[madtram]

Cassie, Eagle is right, you won't be any use to your sister if your own life is falling apart, she will eventually sense that something is not right with you.  I don't know how much younger your sister is but this could be an opportunity to give your sister a gift of wisdom.

  Sometimes having someone in the family we look up to can be a burden as well if we don't know their inner struggles.  If it looks as though they never stuff up, it can be a lot to live up to. It's great that your sister is doing so well with her life but sooner or later most of us will hit a challenge that really tests us.

The very best thing you could do for your sister is show her how you deal with tough situations.  You don't have to share every detail if she is too young but  showing her that it's ok to ask for help & reassuring her that you will still be there for her, (stronger than ever because you won't have the distraction of the pills) will be more valuable than playing happy families.

You have so much going for you, you are clearly an intelligent, caring, thinking person.  Please get the help you need.

Best wishes,
Michelle

[broknbck]

sounds like you need to get in a different place to do this. it really is much easier if you change all your surroundings. like new place to live, new job, school...people, whatever.
a different routine.
if it was only a couple of months to finish, it might be worth it. but you are going to be a mess by the end of the year if you keep this up. and the longer you wait , the worse it is to quit. if you drop a class it is better than a bad grade. you know that.
hey you could lighten the load a little and drop the hardest classes for you. tapper down and get it under control. than quit. the tappering is uncomfortable but nothing like cold turkey. give yourself a quit date and stick to it.
you have to quit CHASING THE HIGH for this to work. that means never taking enough to actually feel high, just to keep the withdrawls down. the vicodin is easier to come off of than the oxy.
give it a shot. it may be better than blowing the whole year. if it gets to be to much-----
well head for home.
as far as sis goes......use it as a learning lesson for her. warn her about how easily one can get trapped.. anyone can.
also drinking too much impairs our good judgement. hah we simply don't care about anything when we get drunk. so not a good idea.
best to you. you are gonna do this. you just have to decide which way to do it.

[Cassie415]

thank you everyone who posted on this. to be honest i was nervous and scared to post and i really didn't want to, but you guys have been really supportive and caring and it means a lot. thank you.