I am new and need help ASAP... I am in severe w/d

[hydrocodonegirl78]

It is 4am, on day 3 of stopping my best friend hydrocodone 10/325mg.  However, this best friend has also ruined my life at the same time.  I have lied, stole, and spent 1,000s of $ on this little magical oval friends.  For now, since I am in w/d so bad, I will just say that these pills have cost me my RN license which I had only for three months, my job at a Doc's office who has been best friends of our family for years, sole mate/ fiance of 10 years, and love and trust of all of my friends.  And the reason why I even thought of stopping using them is b/c I got caught writing false prescriptions under my parents, and fiance name.  

[hydrocodonegirl78]

And even after the fact that I got caught and a detective came to my house and basically did me a favor by not arresting me, the only thing I was really upset about, was how i was going to get more pills.  And two days ago I had to go to court and get arrainged on 126 counts of drug charges, and that afternoon I had driven 50 miles to try to get a script filled because I was out....  And now basically because I am broke, got caught trying to get the last prescription filled, and the internet shipping of meds are too slow for me, I am sitting here alone in my parents basement wanting to just die b/c of where my life is now.  And the worst thing of all, is that I haven't been able to admit to anyone, that I have a problem.  They all think that I was selling them to make money, b/c I couldn't work b/c of my herniated disc.  And why is that better than just admitting that I need help???  B/c I have always been the strong person, and can't ask for help....  Well, I am asking for help from all of you on this forum right now....  Because you understand the way that I am feeling right now...  Hopeless, useless, depressed, having no engery, yet can't sleep one wink...  I am going crazy right now, and hope u can help.  After reading past posts, I just took some Immodium, a multi-vit, and are drinking a lot of OJ.  I never realized that Valium could help with w/d's, well b/c I never wanted to know before now.  I know my mom has some, and will take her up on her offer for them.... Though she thinks I just need it to relax, because of all the other things I am dealing with right now.  And I know for a fact if I had a brand new bottle of a 120 count sitting in front of me, that I would be gobbling down at least 5 right now, waiting for that wonderful feeling to kick in about 30 minutes later.  You know that feeling of you can do anything that day is going to bring on...  There is nothing like a breakfast of 5 hydro's, a x-large coffee, and a few butts, and if I was lucky some Adderall for an extra kick, though I found out too late that snorting them really is much better.  I was super women thanks to those pills, and now I can't even make it to the bathroom, b/c I have no energy, and I feel like I am coming off a 12 hour coke binge...  I feel like a crack head, and I hate it.  And yet you would think after all that these little white pills have caused me that I would want to stop ASAP.  I went from living with my fiance in a nice apartment, to sleeping on an Areo-bed in my parent's basement.  I was so into writing false prescriptions for myself, that I got a little mini- calender to carry with me, so I would know, where, and when I could pick up my next script, and not get confused.  I had script numbers, refills, dates, everything, and I got so spoiled b/c it was so easy to do.  Before I was able to get the blank scripts, I just ordered them off the internet, weekly.  At first Darvocets would come in from India, and nice shiny square packets, at hundreds at at time...  Then the Fed's cracked down on imports, and I was then resorted to online scripts of tramadol, and when I was lucky the hydro's would arrive at my door from Fed Ex.  And if I needed them and missed FedEx I would drive 45 minutes to the Fedex place to pick them up.  I don't even want to think of how much $ I have spent over the past 3 years of using them.  And it all started with a women who I worked with who ran around like crazy all day, and had so much energy.  She told that she took Vicodin for a boost, but at that time I didn't understand how those little pills worked like that.  She gave me one pill, one night, and at that time I was just a drinker, and it made me sick.  And before that I had ankle surgery, and had these little pink pills for the pain, and never took them because they made me queezy.  It wasn't until I hurt my back and herniated a disc, that I found out, that wonderful feeling they could give you.  And since that time in late 2003, they have been my best friend in the entire world.  And now look at me... I am desperate, pathetic loser, alone 28 years old, in my parent's basement.  I am freezing to death, my hands are clammy and cold, and my entire body feels like little electric shocks are pulsing through it.  And worst of all, I have to pretend like there is nothing wrong with me.  I had to go the store for my dad tonight, and the effort it took for me to do that was more than I could have ever imagined.  And all I could think to myself is how all of these people are walking around the earth, not on any substances at all.  I have let so many people down in my life already, that I can't tell them the truth of what I am really going through.....  I will stop for now, though I have so many more things to confess to; like searching high and low,through every inch of my house for a pill that I might have dropped, b/c I am out of them.  i even suck as low as to steal percs and hydro from my dad, who has had triple bypass surgery, rotator cuff repair, and next week a hip replacement.  And so he would know I took them I used Aspirin to replace the Percs, and these tylenol blue pills to replace the hydro's.  I am such a sucky person, yet when i found on my hands and knees one perc that he had dropped months ago, yesterday, I thought I hit the jackpot.  I knew I needed just enough energy yesterday to pick my parents up from the airport....  So, in the past 4 days, since monday, I have only had 12 hydros, which were only 7.5's, which I ran out of on Tuesday after court, then nothing on Wednesday, and yesterday one Perc.  And today nothing at all, and now it is Sat.  And that was from going through a 120 count bottle in 4-days before.  I was eating them every 2 hours around the clock, little at a time.  Really the only thing that has stopped me is getting in trouble....  But, I know if I have to go to jail, that I rather detox at home then in a prison cell.  And really my lawyer said that I would probably have to go to rehab to look good for the judge anyway, and to get back my RN license.  So, someone please tell me, why  I should be positive at all, right now????   Sorry for the rant, but 3 years of secrets catches up with you, when you don't talk about it at all......

[tammyk_40]

i feel so bad for you! i know what its like going through w/ds. you might want to tell your parents the truth. that way maybe they can get you into a detox program. i know the only thing you want to hear right now is how can i feel better? you are going through alot right now. i didnt get to read your post until 7:30 am. you posted at 4 am. hopefully you are sleeping now and i wish i could help more. my name is tammy

[Gypsygirl66]

Hydrogirl, I hope you in getting some zzzz's too. I agree w/ Tammy it will be such a relief to you to get this off your chest to your parents. I have two grown daughters, parents love and they would rather have you as an addict than as a dealer, at least I would. Either way they are not going to judge you, all they want is for you to get the help you need. You need to fess up you don't have to tell them everything you told us or if you want you can, but they are your best help, because they love you unconditionally.
Sorry if my post is choppy but my brain isn't working well.

[Marce4]

Hey....welcome to the forum. Your story is eerily similar to mine!  We would do anything for those pills.  We put them above everything else in our lives so I know where you are coming from. I am an RN too so I know how that must hurt to have had your license revoked. First, get off this crazy rollercoaster if you are ready to admit that it's time. Obviously, you are the only one who can make this decision but this is a hard fight to tackle on your own. Your family could be a great support!  It sounds like you have all the remedies to help tackle the w/d and this forum is a great support system as well!  I will pray for you to beat this! It is a tough road but worth it to get your life back!  Does your lawyer think you will be able to get your license back?  I know you have so much to think about! My heart goes out to you because I know how helpless and lost you feel. I was there!  Many of us were there!  Take charge of your life and fight as hard as you can! We are all pulling for you!
Peace,
Marcie

[sosad5306]

Oh wow, I really feel for you.  I am currently in withdrawl hell and I feel like I coudl die at any minute.  Just remember that the w/d's don't last forever and you can do this...you only have to do it once to get clean.