I am new here and I need help

[Leanne_88]

I have been taking Vicodin or Norco for about four years now but have had very heavy use over the last year. I am 30 years old and a mother of four kids and I have horrible back pain that I'm getting ready to go in for surgery for. It's mostly been taking the medication because I needed it for pain but yes there are times when I take it just the help myself feel better or help with the stress that I have been experiencing in my life. I never thought that I would be here but my life has been so stressful over the last couple years with losing so many people so close to me. Especially with the loss of my grandmother two years ago. She was the one person that was always there for me and the one person that I feel like I can't do this without. I have been wanting to stop taking them for a while but every time I get them I take them and I can't stop it. I know that I'm not being fair to my family my husband knows that there is an issue but he doesn't know just how bad it is. I love my kids with all of my life and I want to be a good mom to them and even though I am making sure that they're taking care of and I'm doing the best I can for them I know that it's not the way that is supposed to be. I have been so depressed since I lost my grandmother and then my grandfather and then my uncle that's when my addiction spiraled out of control. All those deaths occurred within a year and a half time. And it just caused me to sink into horrible depression that I have not been able to get out of and the pills are the only thing that seemed to help.
I don't want to be judged I know I haven't made the greatest decisions but this is the first time that I've tried to get help and I know I have a long road ahead of me. I have made an appointment with my doctor today to discuss with him getting on Suboxone which is something that I've been thinking about for a while. However this scares me as well as I'm afraid I will also become addicted to that. I feel like I will always be an addict and I will never get past this. I just want to get past this and be the person that I used to be.

So here I am new in this forum hoping to get the help and support that I need because I don't know where else to go to get it. There are a lot of people that I don't want to know about my problem so I've been trying to hide it even most of the problem from my husband. I just don't want things to get any worse than they already are And I'm hoping that after I have the surgery my pain issue will at least decrease where I won't feel that I need to take them for the physical pain let alone the emotional pain that I'm feeling.

I have so many questions that I know are going to take time to be answered but am I going to be like this for the rest of my life and my going to have this constant fear that I'm going to want to take pills? What if I do get clean and years later something happens and I need pain medication is it going to instantly bring the addiction back?

I know that it's going to be hard doing most of this alone and that's why I'm here. I just want to be able to get clean because my addiction and knowing that my addiction is interfering with my family and my finances is causing even more depression.

I think right now I need all the support and encouragement that I can get. Thank you all for reading my story and I will continue to share with you on my journey to get this drug out of my life.

[Shelly3577]

I understand completely.  I gave birth to a premature baby, lost my mom (who was my world), my half-sister and brother...all within 2 years.  I started medicating with hydros to deal with all of the losses and now I'm here. I was only 31 when I lost my mom unexpectedly.  I was way to young to be without my mom.  She was only 63.  Yes.  "Dying is a part of living", but that doesn't make it easy to deal with, especially when we're young.  

Send me a message if you need someone to talk to who can relate to what you're going through with addiction and grief.

[conhall]

sounds like your grandmother was a very special person .
She believed in you and wanted you to live a happy life.
You can do this you are taking the first step and thats asking for help. So you are stronger than you think Just take it one day at a time make a plan and take the steps you need to achieve your goals.
I am glad you came to this forum you are not alone. keep posting okay :)

[ImDONENoMore]

Leanne, I understand your grief.  I had the same close relationship with my Mom that you did with your grandmother and it took me a long time to get through that grief.

Only I want to mention one thing and this thought has helped me get through a lot of tough moments.  My Mom told me I was strong because she believed in me.  And she wouldn't have wanted me to live my life the way I was when I was abusing the drugs.  And even though she is gone, I honor her by being the strong person she always told me I was.  May seem silly, I don't know.  But it helps me get through tough times.

[Leanne_88]

I didn't really have much experience with
Death until I lost my grandmother. She was like my mother and raised me. She died unexpectedly after having surgery at the age of 64. We were very close and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her and miss her. I don't try to dwell on the many deaths over the last two years it just mostly her. I just can't let go and I have never needed her more. I know I could do this if she was here. She was like my backbone and was there for me for everything in my life more so than my own parents. She gave me the strength i needed to accomplish the things i have in my life. I don't really have anyone else and i feel so alone. Thats why i have been so depressed since i lost her and why things are out of control.
I don't even know how to tell my husband just how bad it is. I know I have no one to blame for this but myself. And trust me I am so angry with myself for it getting to this point. I am a nurse and I have taken care of many ppl with an addiction and I never thought that I would be one of them. But here I am.

A friend of mine also has an addiction to narcotics to the point that she lost her job destroyed her marriage lost her home and her kids. I don't want that to be me. my family means everything to me so why can't I just stop for them?????? I don't understand. I feel like the worst mother in the world even though my kids are still well cared for. My grandma always told me that I am a strong person and I can do anything I put my mind to but everything I have done I had her help and support with so on my own I guess I an not so strong. Right now I am so weak scared and alone and I just wish I would wake up and this would all be a nightmare.

Thank you all for your words and support.......I am really glad that I came here and to know there are ppl I can talk to that won't judge me and actually want me to get through this.

[conhall]

I would do research On suboxone I did and for me i felt like it was trading one thing for another and from what I read in my opinion Subs are much harder to come off of as far as Wds. It has to be done with a good Doctor and it takes time.
I am sure you have goggled it there is alot of info out there Both praising it and also saying they regret it.
You have come to a good place with alot of great support and I wish you Lots of luck and please keep posting.

[mary577]

As we grow older, we lose many of our beloved family members and friends.   There is only my brother (age 81) and me left from our generation.   Our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles,  and several cousins, nieces and nephews....have all died.   I remember my mother lived to be almost 100 and out lived all of her friends....and even though I am about 35 years away from that, I have already outlived many of my friends and the same is true of my husband.   What I am saying is this....dying is a part of living.    We love and miss people but we have to go on.   You should try and not dwell on things that you have no control over.  

If you have a problem taking pills....because you have them around....the answer is....don't have them around.   Make up your mind that you can do this and you can do it.   You can live without narcotic pain pills.   I don't know anything about Suboxone, but what I have read here, and that is not an answer for an addiction to Norco.  

So many people are afraid of withdrawal.   Don't be.   You will find a lot of help here and people will help you get through it.  

Good luck to you.

[ready4mylifeback]

there is a "thomas recipe" at the bottom right hand of the page that lists some vitamins to help ease the w d a bit.. it does not completely help one ting i did was call my dr for a non addicting medications for the restless legs.. not sure if u know what that is but it is something nearly EVERYONE faces while w d 'ing and for me and many others it is the WORSE part.. the medicine is called requip u could also get something like zofran from the dr for stomach upset.. it is basically like having the flu really bad u will exp hot/cold chills, stomach upset, wont want to eat or drink but u HAVE to stay hydrated as hard as it is FORCE yourslef keep posting on here people will help u i think u r making a wise decision for getting off them and not waiting till after ur surgery if it is 5 weeks away there r other things they can give u but even if u need something very short term it doesnt mean u will have to completely go throught his again as long as u take them a SHORT time and as directed u prob will not get hooked again

[IBKleen]

Good for you wanting to get off. There are medications that can help. Toradol is one of them and you may want to ask your doctor about it.

I suffer with five herniated disks, sciatica and deteriorated disk disease. I am also considering surgery for a recent herniation but will be going for a surgical procedure tomorrow in hopes that it will relieve the pain somewhat for now. I had major back surgery in 1985 and it was very helpful for my lumbar disks. Keep a positive attitude. The doctors will always tell you that there is a chance the surgery will not be successful. That is for your protection as well as their own.

Cold turkey is an option and it is exactly what it suggests. You just stop taking them. If you go that route then it is best to flush any you have left to avoid temptation. You may also consider telling your prescribing physician so that he is on board and understands not to give you any additional refills. If you make that decision then follow up on it and set yourself up for success.

You will be uncomfortable for about a week during the physical withdrawal. You will feel like you have the flu if you have ever had it. Unless you have other medical issues it should not be dangerous---just uncomfortable.

Let us know what you decide and we can make recommendations for home remedies to help ease the process.

[Flowenb]

Leanne you came to the right place for sure.
Now I am going to say it. I'm an addict. Trying to get my world back too. These people on here have done nothing but share GREAT advice and more over, love. Just listen to them. I couldn't judge you. I am you. In away. 49 and strung out!  Following what my doc told me to do for my screwed up back.
No one here has shown any type of judgement at all.
I will win, with the help of my family and the people of this site.
That means you too!
God Smile on ya

[Leanne_88]

Is it normal to feel right now like I will never be happy again without taking them? Because that is how I feel......

[Leanne_88]

I know it doesn't sound like it makes any sense to quit now when I am about to have surgery but I was kind of hoping that I would be able to maybe take a nonnarcotic medication to manage the pain after my surgery I have two severely herniated discs in my lumbar spine as well as a torn tendon. They have told me that there is no guarantee that the surgery will rid me of my pain. And I am also afraid that I will use the surgery as an excuse to continue to take the medication I'm trying to get away from that is why I was thinking maybe I should get off of it before then. I am just sick of letting them control my life and I am sick of the way I feel when I run out. My surgery is almost 5 weeks away and I just don't want to wait that long.

If I were to do CT how do I do it I don't know how to do it or how to manage the WD symptoms.

[ready4mylifeback]

reaching out and knowing u have a problem is a start and a GOOD one.. u will NOT be judged ALL of us here have the same problem.. i myself was on these for the better part of 5 yrs and a HEAVY dose eating at least 20 a day sometimes more.. i stopped for 3 yrs and was happy it was the BEST part of my life had 2 babies (after struggling w conceiving for over 5 yrs) i now have a 19 mo old and a 6 mo old.. i hear u on them being so important my husband and kids ARE my life.. i had to have a few surgeries over the last few months and YES got hooked again once u have had a addiciton to these pills if u r on them for a few weeks or more u have to do it ALL over again:( i was on day 2 relapsed got 10 pills and now back on day 1.. but more determined than EVER to quit.. i know i am shortchanging my kids and they deserve their mom and i am short changing myself too.. best thing i can say is u have to make the decision YOU want off them.. most if not EVERYONE i have ever talked to w chronic pain have said that once they r off them and clean there pain is 90% gone if not 100 % these pills actually keep ur body screaming for more for the pain but once u r clean the pain actually decreases and sometimes goes away.. one thing u can't look at is what if i need surgery in the future this is something u have to take 1 day at a time not looking too far ahead.. that is all we have as addicts is today.. anyway i hope this helps a little the w d is NOT pretty esp the longer the use BUT it only last for about a week and after a few days it gets better and better.. u will still have off days but NOTHING compared to having your life back there is nothing better than laughing and it be REAL,.. not having to chase pills, lie, count pills, plan ur day around iof u will have them or how to get them etc etc.. i would tell your husband tho u will need his support while getting off them.. some people choose to taper but it is a LONG SLOW HARD process and it is just putting off the inevitable u have to face it at some point and the deeper u get the worse it is.. i will be praying for u as i do myself and everyone on here reclaiming there life.. keep posting there is help here

[IBKleen]

Hi & Welcome,

No one here will judge you. We are a community of addicts--some still using, some clean. We are in all stages and have walked in your shoes. We know what you are feeling so please feel at ease with that.

I have to be honest and say that I don't believe that Suboxone will help you and it is VERY difficult to withdraw from when the time comes so for that alone I don't recommend it for you. Suboxone is not a magic pill that takes away the withdrawal symptoms and so many people get trapped by that and so many of them will tell you that they regret ever taking it. Suboxone is a program that should be followed under a physician's care and to the letter. It should always be used in conjunction with some form of aftercare and by that I don't mean typing on the internet. This community is wonderful and will surely help you but not for that. Suboxone gives people the chance to get their lives in order while working on core issues and learning relapse prevention and other tools necessary for recovery. Those things should always be done person-to-person. In addition Suboxone will NOT help with your depression. In addition, if you are soon to go for surgery I assume you will need to take pain medication short-term--hopefully very short-term. If you are Suboxone you will not be able to do that. The pain medication will not work while you are taking Suboxone. I truly hope you do a lot more research before making this very important decision and continue to speak to members here who will share their experiences with you.

As for getting off of the pain medication right now while you are readying yourself for surgery, that seems not to make sense to me. I assume you need them for pain and I will also assume that the surgery will correct the problem and you will no longer need the medication after the procedure? If that is incorrect I apologize. Maybe you could further explain your situation and maybe others can advise.

Addiction is a disease for which there is no known cure. If you stop taking the medication and start again years later, for whatever reason, you will always need to be vigilant and mindful that you can and probably will slip back into old habits and behaviors. That is what we do as addicts and we are addicts for the rest of our days. We can be using addicts in active addiction or we can be addicts in recovery but the disease is always there.

Again, if you explain a bit more about this upcoming procedure it would be helpful.

I am glad you found your way here and hope to stay around!!