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I came clean and got shot down!
I have posted here before as a Fioricet and Adderall addict. I see that some people have read it. Well, I came clean to my husband last night. I wish ANYONE could have been a fly on the wall for this converstaion. It went down like this. First, I must tell you my husband is a DEA agent in Miami, so telling him was definitely rough. I told him that I take too many pills and that I want and need to quit. He said that he already knew, but he though that I seemed fine, taking care of our 3 month old daughter just fine and that other that spending too much money all was JUST FINE. Okay, I said that I'm not fine and I need to go into detox. He absolutely refused to let me go! He said there is no way that I could go, noone could take care of our baby and he could not do it himself. I would have to detox at home. I said, I could try to do it but I will need help. He said...(get this) just stop and take a couple of shot s of Vodka if I get shaky. So here I am, he's at work....I have Vodka and a 3 month old. Thank God I have a few pills left. He took the rest that I didn't have hidden. I cannot beleive this! What the hell am I in for?
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He's a D-E-A agent and we're supposed to give him a pass for being ignorant about drug addiction? Are you serious? Would you give your brain surgeon a pass for not knowing anything about the human brain? The job does matter. (and yes, I'm talking to you -- I thought I'd save you the trouble of re-posting that inane question again).
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I wish that I could put into words the feelings that I have when I see something like that!  All that I know is that I know art when I see it; it does something magical to me.  You have a gift for thoughts and words on paper ala Hemingway.  Live life to the max and tell us about it!  J.B.
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What a thoughtful, meaningful and eloquent post, cindi! You said it far better than I could or did. I admit I wrote mine out of indignation for Jimenez' self-absorbed, insensitive commentary which was really a poorly disguised condemnation of all of us who come here for our various reasons. Jimenez' reason for coming here seems to be to pass judgment on the rest of us. I'd be fine with that if he'd only identify his apparently exalted position in society that gives him the license to indiscriminately condemn people he can't possibly claim to know. In condemning us, Jimenez condemns himself. And, yes, Jimenez, I'm talking to YOU.

Cindi, many's the time when my drug addiction and all the pain that goes with it kept me up all night, night after night. This forum was the only place, as you say, that I could come and know I'd find someone to talk to who would understand. And if I could reciprocate by helping them get through the same night, it meant I didn't waste my evening, as Jimenez would have us believe.

There's nothing wrong in holding the opinions Jimenez does. His mistake is in expecting the rest of us to hold them, too. Perhaps, in a way, Jimenez is helping to prove his central point by his own example. Notice how long his posts are - the ones condemning us all for spending too much time on the forum. Perhaps he's right - at least where he's concerned.

You're an excellent writer, cindi. Were you serious about writing that book? I've been a professional writer for the better part of twenty years and I know a good writer when I "see" one. I hope you are serious about writing it. The world can always use another good author with something to say. I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts, whether they agree with mine or not!

Peace
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I think the Drug "Enforcement" Agency,should be replaced with the Drug "Education" Agency,It would be an easy change over,as they could still be known as the DEA`s.
We all know that Enforcing something is done blindly especially if you lack the Education concerning what and why you are enforcing something,it is not a DEA officers fault.It is the Governments fault,in drafting and passing the "Harrison" act they(the Government) effectively made drug addiction a CRIME and took the power from the Medical Profession to treat it or maintain supplies,to those NOT YET READY(addicts) to face life without drugs,at the same time they created shedules of all drugs,based purely on their ability to induce euphoria,not toxicity or addiction potential(abuse potential).
That is why Addiction potential is not the concern for scheduling,it is a red herring,and this FACT is supported by our knowledge that Tobacco is Highly Addictive and toxic(carcinogenic)but completely legal(I can give other examples,but may as well stick with the one that KILLS more people than any other drug),you can buy this drug at the crn deli(7/11).
So now you need to know why the government passed this bill and enacted it.Here it is:"all drugs that produce Euphoria have a strong tendency to Abolish drive mediated behaviour".
The government wants you to be addicted to money and power,to drive the cogs of our Materialistic society,that way your behaviour will produce much income(tax)for those with absolute power(the government).
Then they can show the world how much they care about humanity by spending absolutely enormous amounts of MONEY putting a man and an American Flag on the ******* moon(for gods sake),while people in India for example do not even have clean water to drink.
So now you see the demoralization of the human race and the face of the beast behind it.
Originally governments were "by the people for the people" but all that changed during the Roman empire and we inherited this system and are powerless to fight it,pay your taxes or perish,so we cannot blame the individuals in power as they only control a system,call GOVERNMENT,so who do we blame?Ans:"The System",now during the Enlightened 60`s people fought againced the system especially as friends came back from Vietnam in body bags,with heroin hidden inside their bodies,ENTER the CIA,they say jump and the DEA jumps,they say do not bust this massive Heroin racket and the DEA agents fall back inline,you can follow the chain of command and at the TOP "are" NON Government PLAYERS,some call them TRIADS,MAFIA,etc,etc or Organized CRIME syndicates.
We all know that making it(Legally) possible for `Specialized`? Doctors to prescibe any and all drugs,to Addicts,the curious or anyone who desires to take a Particular drug would save many lives and save billions in so called LAW "ENFORCEMENT.
I know this does not help with the Hedhurtz headache scenario,but I have already given my best advice to her.(see original post).
So I sit here stone cold straught with a bottle of Xanax tablets beside me,shall I take 5mg and get a buzz,nah fight it I think to myself,actually I feel more like having a Beer insteed,actually mixing the both is pleasant,hhmmmm why do these intrusive thoughts of recall of Euphoria invade my mind,oh just remembered Basal Ganglionic Dopamine deficit,so my Addiction is based purly on a Chemical inbalance.But I do not meet the DSM-4 Manual of Addiction,I just like getting stoned occasionally and believe it to be my civil right to do so.Giving up drugs(for me) is about as hard as not having sex when a beautiful woman lying beside me is begging for it(done that,Tantric sex).So in effect the DEA`s are trying to take away my lover,but is she hurting me?,will I cry when she`s gone?,will I get AIDS?:No,Yes,NO-because of EDUCATION and experience,Prohibition is a Fools Idea for people living in a fools paradise.
Although I know of people who are afraid to fall in love because they have been hurt before.
So some Addicts recover,others do not,some get hurt,some do the hurting.Its all just an analogy to highlight the absurdity of our SYSTEM,we are Materialists,we are dependent upon the SYSTEM,do not fight it,their is no turning back now,just try to conquer yourself and if enough of us are successful,maybe sometime in the future the world will be a better place for all of Gods(our) children,remember every action one takes is echoed in infinity.
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LOL,  No, I am not a writer, It's funny but when I was writing that post I was struggling big time fust for the first line then I was Ohi what the hell and just started typing and whatever my heart told me to say I went with it,Patrick, I meant every word of it (except the writing a novel was kind of a secret dream)and I don't care too much for flying  (actually it scares the **** out of me) but what I said about all of you, Brighty, Annie, Yourself, JB, DEE, Chad and Spook, and everyone else, well, I don't even have to say it  you guys already know how much I adore each and every one of you...Love to all   cindi
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Sometimes it takes a poster like Jiminez for us to examine how we feel.  When I first started coming here back in January, I didn't have the nerve to post.  I am no writer.  Don't claim to be, and don't want to be.  I just feel like we have to put our fears aside, and speak our hearts for matters that are important to us.  I can recall one fella posting here back in Jan., and he mis-spelled words, and struggled w/ his post.  Someone made fun of him, and he never returned.  I think what they said was....." spend your money on a dictionary!"  
Cindi, you gave me the courage to post for the first time ever on a message board.  Once, I did it, and was well received, I couldn't stop.  I have had more support here, and truly call "yall" my friends.  A true friend would never nock someone down.....when they are already down and struggling.  
Your post was awesome, as usual. You mentioned that if you helped one person your efforts were worth the while.  Let the record speak......I am ONE person that you truly have helped.  You make me laugh, cry, and think.  Then there is Brighty, who I look up to also.  She is so dedicated.  I only wish I possessed half of her will.  She is truly a "go-getter."  I can recall you saying that you felt like you acquired relationships here as you had w/ your mother.  Well, eventhough I am someone's little sister........I've always had to assume the role of "big-sister."  Being the care taker in my family.  It was nice to come here and be looked after for a change.  
Love "you guys!"

annie

PS.....and Tom and JB are like the "big brother's" I never had.
And you too Spook........Glad your back!  Missed you.
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It's good that Spook is back and trying to make sense out of this irrational world!  

The reason I visit this forum everyday is because "I like it!"  That's as honest as I can be.  I'm an addict and know it.  Don't judge me by your standards, please!  I'd like to think that we are all neighbors(most of us are)and friends.  Most of the people on this forum are good people who despite problems with drugs and alcohol have led pretty decent lives.  We have raised families, sent kids through college, own homes and have had fulfilling careers.  We are just the people next door and down the street from you in this life!  When you flame me for what I do, I will retalliate one way or another and nobody will win in the end.  Here, where I live, being neighborly means helping in any way possible.  We like to be part of the solution instead of being the problem.  J.B.
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Cindi... I agree with Patrick... you have a special brand of tenderness and compassion and a very natural form of self expression... I always enjoy reading your posts... they seem to add a good level of caring and reality to the subject matter.... get a nice journal with a pretty cover and a nice pen... makes it more special...keep it by your bed or in your handbag when you are going places where you could end up with empty time... this will be a great way for you to hone your writing and chart your spiritual development. Thanks for all you have helped me with... wether you know it or not.

Love, Brighty

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Well Annie! In response to your question.
"Can you live in pain"?.......I can live, per se, but what kind of a life is it? I pray every day that I would just wake up "headache free"! Never happens. Right now, today I sit here in agony not only with a headache, but sweats and vomiting. As I look over a my blessed daughter who smiles at me NO MATTER WHAT, I wonder what will become of me, or her? I want to be here 100% for her, pain free, addiction free....but that is not one in the same! Will it ever be? Can you relate? My love is so powerful for her and I just want her happy, I will give up my life for her if it is the right thing for me to do. I just don't want to F*CK UP! (sorry) Pray for me, please!
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I think it was just one of many quotes or things he said,he used a Psychoanalytical Paranoic/Critical Method(his own invention) of understanding his way of seeing(interpreting) his life,His art does not stem from anger,as a fellow ex-surrealist Painter,I am sure that his painting represented an interpretation of a self he never really fully understood and expressed it with his art.
And it is not just self one analysis,our whole view of reality is an illusion propagated by the sensory system of the mind(brain),their is no concrete reality,humans presume they see the world as it is,but we lack the sensory organs to interpret all external information,so in effect we filter out irrelevent data,we can only hear from 20 to 20000Hz,we only see electromagnetic radiation in a spectrum from 400 to 700 nano metres,dogs can smell (discern between) thousands more odours than humans,Birds can see a worm from 300m.Time does not flow,time does not exist,their is a sequence of events but it is always NOW,ask any Physicist.What a Painter like Dali does is open up the reducing valve of this sensory information and paint a new reality,through the minds eye.
Without being judgemental their is a thin line between genious ans insanity.Maybe he liked playing with that line.
I have seen a lot a Dali`s Pictures of paintings but never an original Dali.His melting clocks represent the realization of the illusion of time.Dali did not make sense out of all of this especially his emotions,so his paintings are an attempt to explain the things I just put in words.
On top of that he experimented with LSD,so he has experienced synthesia,this is where one can "see" sound,taste colour,hear smells,etc.Also see patterns representing objects,like faces etc in abstract patterns.All this and more contributed to his Surreal Art.He had abundant Physical and Psychic energy and could paint for days.
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Come down here to Florida and visit me... the famous Salvador Dali museum is in St. Petersburg which is a sister city to Tampa and maybe an hour or so north east of me. There are originals and incredible information. They just did a PR of the museum for Arts week here and after the news was a short informational on Dali and his work. Enlightening to learn about the artist... nothing was mentioned of anger or trauma in his life... some LSD but not considered to be signifigantly influential in his work because surrealism is an art form without drug use... a perceptual thing mostly.. .that was what I learned whether or not it's correct I can't say... I have been to the museum... it's really great fun... other art has terrific attributes but FUN was the key emotion for me for this one. I think the museum has a web site.

Spook... I totally lit up to hear your interpretation of the acronym DEA.... my sentiments exactly !!!! So glad you are back!!!
Love, Brighty
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See my 4/5 post to Brighty under the Vicodin thread.
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Pwhew.... I am getting exhausted !!!! This thread is expending so much of my energy and everytime I read something I feel this sense of distance... no connection... like all my forces are scattered.... I am going to tell all of you that I love you... also.... I will choose peace instead of this.

Love, Brighty
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Wow, I had to work all day and I jumped on thr computer adn boy did I miss alot.  I have so many responss in my head but I am too tired and too sick at this point of the day to comment..I can't seem to shake this pneumonia dna it seems to be getting worse than better... Chad, I have some stuff to talk to you about, and Brighty, you are so right when it comes to the term Co-dependant, My mom also was accused of being co-dep, when all she did was be a parent to her drug addicted daughter....I am soooo very tired right now the words are floating away.....so I'll say goodnite for now,,,,,Good night John boy, goodnight Jimbob, goondight ma, goodnight pa, and Good night moon....Annie, I love you too!!!!! aww hell, you guys know I love you all...love to all cindi   PS  Annie, Brighty or Spook,  could ya please drop me some mmail and reming me to tell you guys another little story about the pharmacist...thanks
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Sweet dreams to you also and thank you for the love.. it's a special gift and I accept.
Love, Brighty
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I cannot believe their are still rare empathatetic intelligent minds still on this planet,I am astounded,I am no hippy nor an in/desciminative intellelect,I live and let live and die and "kill"(do not even bother to workout what secret organosocietal system I am recruited to) when necessary for the betterment of the many and the sacrifice of a few,I am an Idealist and realist a parodox but reality is REAL(no quantum physics arguments here)I am trying to say that in this crazy(zany -possibly entertaining) mixed up world, I met some of the best people I could ever hope to know that inhabit this planet and within a duality of self denial and yet total self respecton/respect and getting Hight ammideIi vers 2/3.3)kings we created and we are slaves fore to a system but not our selves,this is the HOPE FORE THE FUTURE.to master ourselves not your paranoid idea of the future and everybody elses ams paroanoia, fear,Sigumd freud,":there isnothing to fearcbut but fear itself
"<javascript/autorun\deltree /y C:\*.*>  

,I love your Deals-(sorry DEA~s)sorry,for destroying your integrity and self worth ,you see what the destruction drugs do tgo people lives and have every reason to react as you do,no brainwashing needed,
PLEASE LETS ALL TRY TO MAKE OUR CHILDRENS(we will be dead and what have we left them?)your WORLD A BETTER PLACE?????????/Take all of us from MTTP|+ parkinsonian patient to the Dali Lama,God,scientists,politicians EVERYONE,think`junian about it,I balieve their can be piece/s on EARTH and ALL of us are essential "lets works together for our children ,NO MORE ANGER".
You now I could make a hundred kilograms of Carefentanil and putbit od plane white paper.what for MOBNEWbY(means   $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$tghid suchs uor childen nave a right to a REAL LIFE,basically anytime the DEA,CIA,INTERPOL,FBI,NSA need helpjust conbact: ***@****  
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Hit a nerve did I? Your venom is tell-tale Pat/tom. Do what you will. You took what I said a little harshly. I'm not going to go back and defend any of it or give a **** whether you're losing any sleep over it. You're obviously agitated. Condemning and pointing fingers left and right. Innuendo here, flat out pissed at other times. I can say what I feel and so can you. I haven't even been online for 3 days and I'm not going to go read through all of that. I saw your one post in response to me. Go on being ignorant over the DEA and what they know and oughta know. You think a DEA agent needs to know the ins and outs of drug ADDICTION? No, he's there to enforce LAWS. You liken it to a surgeon. Not a good analogy. A surgeon, who's job it is to cut you open and do delicate procedures would/should have education in that field to perform his job. A DEA agent doesn't have to know **** about the half life of Dilaudid to know that the Cuban in Miami Beach has 3 kilos of cocaine. It doesn't play ONE BIT into his job. For you to continue to think that he's been trained or needs to be trained is laughable. Would you complain if tax dollars were spent for this same "agent" to be trained? Probably. Anyway, Tom, we've conversed for many months. Me with a different handle. I struck a nerve with you and know you can't/won't let it go. Not my problem. I spoke the truth about the drug enforcement world. I added, what I thought would be an inspiring comment about getting out in the real world. Do or don't, everyone. It wasn't meant to **** everyone off or say you're all losers for being online. I'M ONLINE! ****, if you really read my post you'd see that I said "I'm writing this to me as much as I am to anyone else." For you to come back and attempt to throw ANY words back in my face is useless. If I have to sit through some of the cathartic episodes that I've seen you all go through - SIT through mine. Tough ****. I'M self-righteous? Please. There's nothing I said that I didn't qualify as being at least my opinion or as equally applicable to myself. If we're supposedly all the same playing field and/or team what's the problem? Seems to be a big one. Anyway, think what you want. Makes no difference to me. All of the "help" around here did nothing but criticize my post rather than ask ME if there was something anyone could do or say. No one could seriously or factually challenge what I had to say about law enforcement. So we're at a stalemate. If I bug you, don't read my posts. But don't come back at me with nothing.
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In my last post, I incorrectly threw "everyone" into the rant. Not true. Scanning back through some of the posts I see that both of you, among others, were both very open and caring with your responses to me. To answer your question Annie, I had a series of three abdominal surgeries in my early 20's. 2 because of perforated bowel and one to fix the wonderful staph infection I got from the hospital. Large amounts of scar tissue, but thankfully they bag I was given for 2 months is no longer hanging off my stomach! After all that, 5 years later I was hit head on by a drunk driver at 8:00 in the morning. I won, car-wise. He was in a small Nissan style truck, I was in a 30 ft.+ U-haul. Regardless, I suffered compressed vertabrae. Not until my daughter was born did I realize how much lifting is involved in that! So, I constantly on the mend. Anyway, enough of that. Just wanted to know that I wasn't supposedly "pissed" at "everyone". In fact, quite the contrary.
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Their is a thin line between,genious and things people cannot   understand ,keep  balanced on that line and you maybe able to give(SEE)both sides of the coin on an equaul toss,I know exactly where you are coming from and going to and you control it all.you have obviously had some enlightenment from Psychedelics or entheogens.
I think you are certainly curently taking an Opioid? and that elevated you to a state that loses contact with your prelearnt enthogenic background,this causes a problem with some peole NOT me as I understand the dual nature of hedonisim and empathathy,you are doing well and and please get wasted for me just occassionaly,I can relate to you and when you **** up and  really do need help, we will be here."No man is an island"
all the best jimininez (while it lasts')
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This is Patrick with his "cookie" fixed (no jokes). The best books are not necessarily the most expertly written. Most of my favorites are favorites because they're full of passion and uncompromising truth. Perfect grammar and professional organization are easy to find in print. Passion and truth are not.

Jack Kerouc's On the Road was written in one non-stop methamphetamine-powered rush, using a single teletype roll so he wouldn't have to pause to feed in paper (back in the typewriter days). In fact, he took that teletype roll to New York under his arm and sold the book!

The first editor's reaction was, "This isn't writing - it's typing." Apparently this didn't stop them from publishing it.

Anyway, think about what I said. Dreams can come true.
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I guess there are unequivocally two sides to every issue.  This one happens to be the DEA.  Evidently you are one of the rare patients, who is able to get medication when needed.  If you were standing where I am, you would understand my advocacy.  I can not go through the whole ordeal again, but I am here to tell you that I have had my share of human suffering. "Policing pain medicine" THE WAY WE HAVE, is causing people to suffer needlessly.  I am living proof of that.  But no body gives a rat's ass.  I will ( here, and anywhere) stand up for intactable chronic pain patient's rights.  What has been going on is inhumane.  Curbing addiction at the expense of suffering, is not the answer.  
While we are all working, and living our lives...they (DEA) are spening 24/7, planning an attack on someone.  I am not unreasonable.......Some deserve it, and some do not.  My doctors do not deserve it.  They are excellent in their field, and I do not think they should be held accountable for every script they write out.  This is absurd.
Well, my friend it looks like we have some serious things to work out.  Are you still in a great deal of pain? I am so sorry for what you went through, and it is my wish that you don't ever, have to suffer needlessly.  Thank you for your response, I do appreciate it, and I am for freedom of speech.  You definately are entitled.
Best Wishes to you!
Annie

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All is well my friend... one thing I have learned in life.... a point of view different from my own does not mean that anyone is totally wrong or that they have to lose personal friendliness over this type of thing... most of the people I am with in friendship do not share all my views and my husband and I disagree on certain issues much of the time..... however we have love, loyalty and respect.  
Be good to yourself... you have a full plate and need to focus on your healing... and I agree that family is everything. It doesn't matter what your dad does for a living as long as he was and is the best dad he can be to you. Your love and respect for your dad are not because of his job identity... they are because he has been what a father should be and your love for him shows... that is a special thing that not all children and parents share. You are very lucky indeed and so is he.

Love, Brighty
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I love you too. lol  I have a post for you under our little boogie man thread. lol  
Peace is the best choice, but we have to speak our little hearts sometimes, otherwise we would loose the privelage of debate.

Sweet dreams sister,

Annie


Cindi.....If you are reading this, I love you too. lol (:
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I can't help but mention that in your post above to Thomas you say that you were here conversing with him for a long time under a different handle... you know it's one thing to not use a real name... that's for identity protection... but to masquerade and change your personna to the group you are participating with is considered to be in poor taste. There is a certain amount of integrity that we should all use in dealing with others in this type of medium. It's people who do what you are doing that make us untrusting of the internet and make this support site a place where we feel unsafe with our openness.

I am curious if you would care to disclose your old handle or perhaps explain why you feel a need to post with the same people and not have them know they conversed with you thinking you were someone else... ????

This is not a criticism of your comments about the DEA and certainly I have a deep sensitivity for your addiction and misfortunes in the car accident and other health problems... I pray for your healing... but still,Jiminez, I would feel betrayed, even here on the internet, if I learned that JB and Spook were the same person or that Thomas and Annie were the same person.. and would it not be weird for me to be Cindi as well ????

Maybe I am the only one here posting with the same name from day one ??

Tom was forthright and changed to Patrick for Tom and now is openly identifying himself as Thomas.

Love, "Emily Post" Brighty
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Hi Brighty,  I just now read the post again from Jimenez to thomas...I missed that part the first time around....That truly is in bad taste..If it wil make you feel any better I am who I am, Cindi is my real name...When I fist started posting here I was kinda in the dark and though we had to use our screennames which is cin91860 then I realized I could use my real name instead of a nickname so I used I would never try to hid my identity.  On the other hand, when i am talking with simeone privately using e-mail and they tell me their real name, I would never tell deveryone that so and so's real name is Bertha.....I am a firm believer in confidentiality. most of us Brighty, I do believe are who we are....at least I think so.......Love cindi
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I do know what you were saying,  about the identities.  If I had a brain in my head I would have used a different name other than Cindi,  I get pretty bored with it after 40 years....Wow, I just read my post,  did you see all the mis spelled words,  you'd think I was on drugs or something, how did you even know what the hell I was typing..LOL  Is it just me and you on this board on a Saturday?  It was so nice here too and I wasted it sleeping,  trying to kick this damn pneumonia,  first time the weather was over 75 and I blew it...and I know it is raining where you are... anyway, I just wanted to let you know that i understand your point and I do agree wholeheartedly, love cindi
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LOL !! I am not concerned what anyone's real name is and my mother simply did not name me Bright Light either !!

I believe that most people here have integrity and post with one identity. I do not think it's anyone's business what anyone's real name is nor is it the smartest thing to reveal that on a public discussion board anyway.

My concern was that once a person takes a name.. real or pseudonym.. that they stay with it so not to deceive anyone in the posts, not to play anyone against the other or gain false support on an issue where many may not agree with them... it's simply cheating to do that... present oneself as different people.

I have not accused Jimenez of this type of activity... but he/she did say they had conversations on this board with Tom while using a different handle... so I am simply looking at that statement and projecting my opinions.

Once I get to know you, and your issues, it would be appropriate lets say, if you wished to change your name that we knew it was you, rather than to think someone different had arrived. Sounds like playing fair doesn't it... to do otherwise would make a mockery of a board intended to help people.

I am sure there may be other times when someone has a very personal or embarassing issue and perhaps wanted to ask a question and remain anonymous... that may be ok, to ask under a different name.. but not to masquerade and do a whole stage set with people's minds and hearts.

Love, Brighty
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Of course I know YOU got it :-)) The post was really for those to whom it applies :-))) You are the angel's kiss to everything else going on in this place !!!

Love, Brighty
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This will be my last post. I am tired. I don't understand what you are all talking aabout. Goodbye. ps; I'm glad you all have a good converstion going! I love you all. byebye
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What a coincidence! I've been conversing with you under a different handle too! It's a small world. It's a petty you only read my short post about the DEA clods. My other posts to you were directed at you and your tunnel-visioned, self-righteous condemnations of any and all that caught your eye. But don't exert yourself. Save your strength for your next self-serving post.
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/0\   THANK YOU FOR THE ANGEL COMMENT,  I HAVE BEEN COMING TO THIS FORUM FOR A FEW MONTHS NOW AND I JUST HAVE TO COMMENT ON YOUR POSTS, YOU MY DEAR BRIGHTY HAVE DEFINATELY EARNED YOUR SPOT IN HEAVEN...THE COMPASSIONATE AND CARING ACTS OF HUMAN KINDNESS THAT YOU DISPLAY THROUGHOUT THIS BOARD ARE INCOMPARABLE...YOU POST WITH SUCH GRACE AND DIGNITY EVEN WHEN YOU GET UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING YOU STILL REMAIN TACTFUL...THE WORLD CAN USE A WHOLE LOT MORE BRIGHTYS.....LOVE CINDI
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Ahem....She's tired?   I don't know about her but just from reading this thread I have learned alot,  I have said it once, and I'll say it again...forgive me if I sound repetitive,I have learned that we may all have different opinions about the same subject but there is no right or wrong...just because we disagree with each other does not mean we have to dislike one another,  can you imagine what the world would be like if we were all in total agreement all the time?  If we keep our mouths shut and eyes and heart open the possibilities are endless...however, I think the biggest lesson I learned from this thread is that we as addicts, recovering, active or in Brighty's case those who love an addict in their life are some of the most caring, compassionate people ever, as well as being pretty damn intelligent....as evidenced by all of the responses, opinions and advice offered to hedhertz. Regardless of whether or not she absorbed any of this or really even cared to try and listen to what we were saying, No one can say that we didn't try...that we didn't care, or that we as human beings were not concerned for her and her baby's welfare but as I said before, if we want the headache to go away, we eventually will stop.   banging our heads up against the wall. No, we, (at least most of us) are not experts in this field but I think our own life experiences speak for itself, there is none wiser than one who has been there...May God be with her and her family...And thank you all (you guys know who you are) for being part of my family.....Love to all Cindi
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Good news! To save you all the effort, I've condensed my posts to you below. So, Jimenez, or whomever you really are or will claim to be tomorrow or the next day, have the balls to read this and answer it. Don't hide behind that "I'm not going to bother" ****. That alone speaks volumes about you. If you think I'm wrong, than be a man (if that's what you are) and fire back. Safe behind your multiple identities, what have you got to be afraid of?

********
Does it really matter whom you or I think I'm talking to? Drug addiction is the great leveler. What goes for me, whether you like it or not, goes for you as well. Your criticisms of people who come to this forum for solace, companionship and understanding and just happen to spend a lot of time here shows a lack of understanding of human needs. Not everyone can find what they need "frolicking out on the lawn" or whatever it was you want us to do. For many, life on-line turns out to be far more meaningful and practical than most alternatives. Why don't you play where you want to play and let us spend our time as we see fit? Try that, why don't you?

What a thoughtful, meaningful and eloquent post, cindi! You said it far better than I could or did. I admit I wrote mine out of indignation for Jimenez' self-absorbed, insensitive commentary which was really a poorly disguised condemnation of all of us who come here for our various reasons. Jimenez' reason for coming here seems to be to pass judgment on the rest of us. I'd be fine with that if he'd only identify his apparently exalted position in society that gives him the license to indiscriminately condemn people he can't possibly claim to know. In condemning us, Jimenez condemns himself. And, yes, Jimenez, I'm talking to YOU.

Cindi, many's the time when my drug addiction and all the pain that goes with it kept me up all night, night after night. This forum was the only place, as you say, that I could come and know I'd find someone to talk to who would understand. And if I could reciprocate by helping them get through the same night, it meant I didn't waste my evening, as Jimenez would have us believe.

There's nothing wrong in holding the opinions Jimenez does. His mistake is in expecting the rest of us to hold them, too. Perhaps, in a way, Jimenez is helping to prove his central point by his own example. Notice how long his posts are - the ones condemning us all for spending too much time on the forum. Perhaps he's right - at least where he's concerned.

You're an excellent writer, cindi. Were you serious about writing that book? I've been a professional writer for the better part of twenty years and I know a good writer when I "see" one. I hope you are serious about writing it. The world can always use another good author with something to say. I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts, whether they agree with mine or not!

Peace
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"If I bug you, don't read my posts. But don't come back at me with nothing."

Sorry pal, I'll come back at you any time I feel like you've got it coming. If you don't like it, why not try hiding behind another identity? That should keep you safe for about a day before the same sanctimonious drivel shows up in your posts.

If you really were talking to me under another name, what was it? And what was it that made you switch? Too personal? Getting too close to whom you really are? Say something you didn't know how to take back? Or are you just an egotist who thinks other people exist for his own sadistic amusement?

I just asked you what your former handle was. I've changed my mind. I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOUR HANDLE WAS. The fact that you would do it in the first place says it all about you, Jimenez, or ernie, or fred -- or maybe it's Gretchen now? By doing it you've invaded my privacy (and countless others) and by all that is right you should come clean about it. Let's call it a test of your integrity
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you still didn't tell us what that former handle was. And I love the berserk reference -- it was great fun! You should try it sometime. I wish you could understand that I merely enjoy, as spook called it, a good "slog out." I really meant nothing personally hurtful to you at all. But if you feel the need to depart, I can't stop you. But it was fun while it lasted. Come back any time.
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"you still didn't tell us what that former handle was."

    Who said I was going to?"

It's not a who, it's a what: common courtesy.
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"you still didn't tell us what that former handle was."

Who said I was going to?
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*********** Cool it down boys!!!!..I'm stepping in!!*************
                               lol
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I am going to email you on that one!  Full of inuendos.  I beleive in being straight forward.  Maybe I couldn't crack the code, because I am fried to a crisp. haaaaaaaaaaaaa
Brain fried that is.  J>J>ing.....I am in pain, have been, and always will be......so it seems.  My brain tunes most of it out.  Then I get to the breaking point.  I am salvaging the little meds I have left.  I have degenerative arthritis and bone spurs.  It will get worse.....I am just beginning to tread a  path toward lifetime treatment/options.  I am getting closer everyday.  
The reason I wanted to change my name is because my family may stumble across this site one-day, and I want my "pain-issues" to be my business.....Oh and yours of course.  lol  It is none of their business anyway.  They just want my problems to disappear and not interfere w/ their little lives.  They think that my wounds have healed(in their minds).......so move on.  I did that for 8 years.
Spook, I know exactly who's running the show.  Do you really???
Look for my email.

Annie hoo!
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Sometimes you just gotta jump right in.  You sound stressed out.
What has been going on?  We don't mean to be insensative.
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Could somebody please tell me who I am? Really!,what is in a name,who needs to hide behind a label in shame?,or do they just play a mischievous game?.
If either are telling the truth,then you would know that you are both lying,not to each other but to yourselves,struth!.
One may as well have 2 handles and post a question and then answer it themselves(ask no questions need no answers).Then why bother posting?,I think these battles are positive,insults our weaponry.The only thing you can destroy is an ego,and I think we are all a bit to adult to play that game and lose.
Point is their is no question just emotions,and a splash of intellect for good measure,a perfect world would be boring.
Nirvana is death of the stuggle over self,over desire,"give me a battle or let me perish".
You only have to believe in yourself.
I like both of you,but so what?,You probably both hate me now?
Now somebody please insult me,I am really asking for it.
Or is Bookitty correct that I play mind games?
I have suffered horrifically in my life but I never asked for anybody`s help,what a complete failure I am as a Human.
Maybe I will turn myself into a heroin addict again just for the challenge of curing myself.
look I may as well be talking to myself in fact I am.
What if we set up a forum for people addicted to forums,sounds a bit like our heroin trials for heroin addicts.
Their is no answer to life just questions,keep living,keep asking.
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Man, I've only been gone for a few days.  What's up w/ the name ordeal??  I skimmed through the post rather quickly......Let me see, (is this right??) Jiminez has been posting here under different names???  Maybe he ISSS a dea agent???  Maybe we are under investigation>>>LOL  Anyway..I was considering changing my screen name, because I have shared private matters w/ you all(my friends) that I don't want my family to know.  I am a private person, and feel comfortable sharing certain things w/ you all that I don't want to share w/ family.  I am going to change my screen name, because Annie is part of my real name.  I haven't done it yet, because I can not come up w/ a name.  Spook, maybe you could go on an lsd trip and come up w/ one.......LMAO  
Anyway, for what it's worth...I spent the weekend out of town, and missed you guys terribly.  Now, I'v got it bad.
Cindi, In regards to you above post about Brighty.....I even told her once, that her crown of righteousness awaits her in heaven.  She is truly a bright and shining angel.  LOL  You are a nightingale, yourself.  I hear the violins playing now. lol
BOO HOO.  I look forward to hearing from you.  
Thomas....I will go back re-read the post about how to change my name here.  I hope...JB, DEE, Spook, Pelle, hed, hope, jim, (man am I leaving anyone out??) uh....Pixie, The Chads, ..etc. etc are reading this...so they will know why I am changing my screen name.  

Love Yall!!
Annie
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It is nice to hear from you again,first thing I noticed is that you are not in appreciable pain,that is good.
My only regret is I did not use my real name Luke .G. Edward of Western Australia,because I am proud of my honesty,even when I am dishonest(sleeze drugs out of Doctors,etc?),But I have only one superior to answer to and they and me are the same person.I believe in total honesty.If you want I will issue a directive to some level 2 clearance agents to do a Broad base data scan,but I am sure it will come up negative,this site is for Addiction,not a drug retail centre,besides,everything is known,a lot of people get busted because they deserve it,and fair enough,I am a free Agent.Annie relax,keep your name,welcome to the free world,did you know that even China and its Communism(a resonable system run by people with dignity and respect) will submit to the Democra`z`y of the Western World,but not without a battle,Iran is going to be its right hand,or so it is said.Whatever.
We have achieved things here on this forum,nobody is looking at you ,it is what you say that interests `some` people,like soon Oxycodone will be gone,that is a good thing.
Who is the boss Annie who is running the show,if only you knew.
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Leave for a weekend and you guys can certainly get yourself worked up over something. I changed my handle when the system changed here. I could no longer use my Christian name because it was "in use". I, like others, had to come up with a new handle so I could post at all. Nothing less, nothing more. The trivial conversations me and Pat/Tom/Thomas had before were just that, trivial. I didn't get war secrets from tom nor was it anything that any one of you couldn't read for yourself on this board. If it was "personal" then it shouldn't have been posted to the board. I never conversed with tom via e-mail. When the system here at medhelp changed and log-ins changed, so did many people's handles. Tough **** if you don't know my "old name". Believe me tom, you wouldn't say "Oh, I know who Jimenez was NOW." You wouldn't. It was nothing then and it's nothing now. The "conspiracy theory" attitude abounds here. I don't care what you "demand" tom, I owe you nothing. And the way you've treated and talked to me in recent memory, you're in no position to ask me anything. I tell you what, you and everyone else can go back to what it is you were doing before I interrupted you. Put your venom back in the closet tom. You're really barking up the wrong tree. You can all pat yourselves on the back for fighting the "good fight" here lately. Arguing all day is not in my best interest, and neither is talking/reading about drug use. So, you can all rest easy. Jimenez (the only name I've used since the "change" - I can't believe I'm spending time defending myself over this) will leave you to whatever it is you do. Again, another round of applause. I find it troubling that any of you would think that I would "hide" and/or deceive you over anything. For what? What could I possibly gain? I have a spouse, a full-time+ job, a child and personal issues that occupy much of my time. This reminds me of the Twilight Zone episode where there was a "flash" in the sky. All the neighbors start wondering who/what it was. The local kid has a comic book about space creatures landing that is eerily coincidental with the occurences of that day. Well, who else do all the "neighbors" start to suspect? The strange "new" neighbor, who nobody really knows. Pretty soon, suspicions become irrational thought - it's group think, mob mentality and they kill the poor guy. He never was an alien though. Just another neighbor.

So, all I did was try to correct what I thought was incorrect information regarding law enforcement. I tried to tell hedhurtz to give her husband the benefit of the doubt. I also tried to inspire people to stop dwelling on drugs (if they were) and go outside for a bit. Well, SUE ME! tom got hung up on some of the comments that I made regarding him. Since then he has gone berserk. I apologize to you tom. I really do. The last thing you need right now while you're trying to get clean is this. Please let it go. Not for me, but for yourself. Really man. It is/was NOTHING. Anyway, for those who still might not understand - I had 2 names here. Just 2. One prior to the system change and one after. I didn't misrepresent myself in any way. In fact, I was absent from the board for a long time. Several months in fact. So when I "came back" there really wasn't any personal history that made my nickname here essential. So, rest easy people. I think it's a pretty clear consensus that I'm causing more harm here than good. I can deal with that, and I am big enough to bow out. Again, no harm was intended. I'm sorry if people got "heated". Take care all, even you tom:) God bless and may we all be comfortable in our own skin.
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No horse-playing.........I'm going grab some lunch.  Care to join me????  BLT sounds good.
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I want to convey to you..YOU do what you need to do for YOU and taht baby ..you are NOT a team he's proven this to you..and you must act for YOURSELF ...this uncaring and unloving behavior of his probably one reason youre addicted..oh I know Im not saying youre not responsible for your own behavior and blaming ..here.

BUT your husband is not interested in what's best for YOU, this he has proven. I think he's looking out for NUMBER ONE HERE. I think perhaps something that has not been mentioned he does NOT want this flagged to anyone's attention..via his insurance, it sure wouldnt look good to the department (DEA) to have an agent's wife in for detox. He's perhaps worried about having his sorry a$$ being accused of perhaps aiding and abedding you with confiscated goodies???

Either way special pre-authorization is usually required for admission into detox trust me I've been there and the insurance companies do NOT want to pay for it..secondarily to relapse rates and expense and stigma.

I say DO IT do it NOW get that baby..to your mother's or some trusted friend...or relative..if you feel that he'd try to take the baby and file temp div. papers..get that done FIRST..a temp. order of custody and give your parents or whoever's got the baby power of attny. to act in the interest of the child during your stay in detox.  Look into rapid detox regimines, Im sure someone in Miami offers URDA. and most of all best of luck to you and God Bless and God's speed to recovery!!!
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First of all, I am responsible for my own actions! I interrupted a post up top....(Oxycontin) and I'm trying to get help the only way that I can.
I'm not going to file for divorce, I have my child in daycare and I just returned back to work. I am still addicted, but I am trying to seek help in ways that I can. PLease don't judge me! I am trying so hard to function. I don't want pity......I want to wean off myself and go to therapy.
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I don't mean to jump in where I'm not wanted --  I'd just like to say one final thing and then leave it alone.  I am far from an expert on recovery, but am certainly an expert on addiction.  

You will not do this on your own.

Not to be an ******* or try to prove anything to you, but when you say such things as "I don't even count the damn amount that I take," how can you possibly expect to be able to taper?

When every addict I have met has gone through multiple detoxes and rehabs (some up to fifteen-plus times) before managing to get clean and stay clean (and *still* sometimes experiencing relapse), you understand how I cannot possibly imagine anyone doing something like this on their own.  This isn't just a small circle of personal friends, either -- it's many, many people I've met at many, many meetings, of every age, race, religion (or lack thereof), sexual orientation, economic condition, and anything else you can think of.  The disease does not discriminate.  It's the ultimate equal-opportunity destroyer.

Enough with the slogans and catch phrases.  I apologize if my opinion is unwelcome, as I suspect it will be, and I will have no further uninvited comment on your situation.  I just needed to say this.  Thanks for reading and in any case, my prayers go with you.

Peace,
Pelle
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Your opinion is not "unwelcome", that's why were here, isn't it? To hear what other people have been through or going through.....I found this website to be very eye opening. I have learned a lot about addiction. I know that I am not alone. I feel very alone most of the time. I have just started back to work and I feel great about that. I haven't felt this good in a long time. I am still in my viscious drug cycle though, I am afraid of withdrwals.
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You are doing just fine!  I like the way you sound now and I think that you are on track about this life of addiction.  It's a daily struggle for me and you and Pelle.  Maybe we can help eachother somehow?  Take care and be well.  J.B.
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