I can't seem to shake this monkey

[billyb]

It's out of control. I can't stop this train, and I'm getting scared. COCAINE  Nothing in my life has ever had this much control over me. Not even a woman. I am 35 yrs, in a wheelchair with a spinal cord injury  ( 4 yrs ) My wife left me about a year ago, and this **** took her place. On top of that, I am injecting it. I feel so bad, because I am so weak. The way I am using it, absoulutly sickins my stomach. If my X would ever find out, I would lose my kids.  I love my kids very very much. They areeverything to me. But when I drop them off, Lucifer comes a calling. Being alone sucks the big one. I am scared of what this stuff is doing to me. My arms look like hell, and I am losing my self worth. I cannot love myself like this. This is not the road Iwant to travel. I picked up a ball last night, and haven't slept yet. It's gone now. I sure wish it could be gone forever. Is there anyone out there that has kicked this monkey in the ass ? I told a couple of my friends, hoping they might be able to help me, but they juststoped coming over. It sucks to be me...Yup it sucks to be me. I tried to get into something that would occuppy my time, by building a website, to try and make some cash, but I can't even do that. I'm thinking about suicide, before I overdose. I would hate for my kids to come over and find me with a needle sticking in my arm. Doesanyone have any advise for me ?  Fricken Columbians. Sorry for being so weak. Rick

[skipper]

welcome to the forum, there is always room for one more!
it has been many years since i have touched cocain. when i did do
cocaine i, like you injected it. i can still remember the blown
out frazzled feeling when the coke is gone.
2 things:
1) Get some help. i don't care from who or what. this is the most
important thing. the condition is very fragile. it's time to go
into survival mode. call your doctor,or suicide hot line! the
condition your in, you can't go this alone.
2)on this forum, are many caring people who have been where your
at. believe me when i tell you THERE IS A WAY THRU THIS! please
stay in touch with this forum as we wish to assist you any way we
can!
keep an angel on your shoulder!
kip

[jule1]

Hi everybody.  What a wierd couple of days it has been my husband works in NYC and wsa supposed to be at aconference at the world trade but thank god he didn't go.  It was like planes, trains and automobiles to get him home yesterday.  It is so scary to see terrorism in your backyard I look outside of my house and can see the smoke and it seems everyone we have contact with is personally affected by this.  My husband is in the financial business so he had a lot of associates that could have been there.  So far we don't know anyone who has perished.  I am just counting my blessings and just feel it could have been any one of us my addiction seems so trivial compared with what others are going through.  
JENNY - Hang in there I am here for you if you need anything!!! How was the visit with the parents?  

[skipper]

rick:
please let us know if your still reading the postings on this
forum. all thru out today i thought of you and your posting. i
must admit i am some what dissapointed by the lack of other regular
posters. perhaps the current events in nyc & washingto dc has up-
set the routine. hang in there and let us know whats going on with
you!

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[Witchywoman]

Hi all..
Kip, I've been so busy fielding emails and coordinating efforts in the Pagan community in response to the tragedy, that I've been having a hard time keeping up with anything else...

but billyb, I do want to respond to you. You sound like you are either at bottom, or about to hit it..Please don't try to go this alone. It is a great step that you came here and told us what was going on. This is an amazing and compassionate, non judgemental group of people.  Keep posting and reading and you'll see what I mean.

But also..your suicidal feelings worry me alot.  Your kids need you alive and here. Trust me on this..let them be your reason to cling to life and to reach out for help.  Taking out of the realm of secrecy and sharing it with others who have been there will be a powerful step toward healing. You are not alone and you are not a bad person. You are an addict, just like me...and among other addicts you are likely to find your healing.

Call NA, or CA, talk to a counselor..just don't give up.

let us know how you are doing..
love,
WW

[cindi]

I'm sorry I have not been to the forum in a day or so.....Yesterday was too crazy and I was not online....I am running out to work no but your post grabbed my head as I was reading...I have stuff to say butI have to leave..Hnag in there and I will get back later   love to all         cin

[Kristen]

Hang in there buddy.....I have thought to myself soooo many times that I would rather die than to get off of drugs....but my girlfriend asked me one day....."how would it make your kids feel to be coming to your funeral and placing a rose on your casket???  Just that thought made me cringe....Life is so precious and we should all feel fortunate that we have a CHOICE, unlike the ones in NYC....thousands of people died and they had NO CHOICE....we do....so do whatever it takes to get through this....you will get so much support in AA and NA....those people wouldn't leave you alone in your time of need like your friends have.....they understand the pain your in and will be there for you no matter if your clean and sober or if your using....This forum has SO many wonderful, compasionate people that will listen and be here for you....Please take care of yourself and let us ALL know how your doing....and LOVE those kids....they need you....

Love, kristen

[jennyfla]

The innocence of a child!  :(
http://growthspurts.com/images/photos/15765333814.jpg

[Shea]

Hi all,

I was so happy to read that those who have posted are safe. i have had a terrible time with aol these last couple days. As soon as I would log on it kicked me right off.

Rick, before I was a pill junkie my addiction took many many avenues. I would like to think of myself as a pharmacology engineer. (without the degree of course) I loved anything white and powdery..coke, pcp etc.  And YES Rick as with any addiction you can get hold of it.
But in your state of mind I think you need to get some help soon. As someone suggested go to a hospital, suicide hotline.
Remember your kids Rick. And know suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a Temporary problem. You have made a step by reaching out to those on this forum. These people are in various stages of their addiction. They are non-judgemental and EXTREMELY supportive. I think you will find a lot of support here. Read back through the past threads and post often. Welcome aboard Rick.

God bless you all at this time when we realize how fragile life is.

Shea

[Shea]

Hi,

Not to steal your thunder on this thread Rick but I have a question. I have been taking Thomas recipe for almost two weeks. anyhow, over all i think it is working great. I do the 5htp also. One and night and one in the morning. QUESTION: I have a pins and needle feeling in my hands, more so my left than my right. Any ideas if this is a side effect to the 5htp? Also an odd taste in my mouth. It did say muscle weakness to be aware of on the bottle. But this isn't that. It is pins and needles feelings and numbness in the finger tips. I would ask my doctor but he is still trying to distinguish his ass from a hole in the ground. thanks as always for any info.

Shea

[Witchywoman]

I've searched sites on 5 HTP and have not seen numbness in the extremities as a side effect of it. Did it start once you added the 5 HTP to your supplement regime, or after?  How many mgs are the pills you are taking, 50 or 100?

I know that when I take the L-Tyrosine, I get a distinctly funny taste in my mouth, and it makes me feel very jittery, as if I've had a bit too much caffeine.  That may be where the funny taste is coming from.  I've not noticed any pins and needles myself.

To be on the safe side, try stopping the 5 HTP and see if the pins and needles goes away.  Also, it would be a good idea to see a doctor if you can, just to be sure it isn't something else.
Anxiety can cause that kind of pins and needles, but so can a lot of other things.

keep us posted!
WW

[Gina]

Just thought I would let you know that I would ALWAYS get the pins and needles in my pinkie fingers and that side of my hand also when I was detoxing. As soon as too many hours went by without a pill, that's exactly how my withdrawl would begin. Compared to what was coming, this was just annoying but still reminds me of the horribleness yet to come. Hope this helps!!

[Thomas]

my friend, you're addicted to the worst brain poison on the planet. Cocaine's effect on the human brain is enslaving and evil. Long-term use of cocaine nearly destroys the pleasure center in your brain. Think about it: you clean up and still can't experience pleasure -- for the rest of your life. You need expert in-house medical detox and right now! Please go to an in-patient detox right now. Everything depends on this. Call one now and arrange to come in tonight. They know how to bring you down without a lot of discomfort. Save yourself and your future with your family tonight!

Thomas

[shane]

Thomas, your views on drugs and addiction are truly unique! In an earlier post you couldn't understand why yourself, as a Responsable card holding adult could not go to the pharmacy of your choise and obtain narcotics for your own personal consumption.Great Idea! We need more drugs on our streets for our youth to O.D. on. Oh have you heard,Heroin is a major problem amoung our societys young today. Maney started with just three or four ( or 75 ) vic's a day. I know two high school students where I live that are gone do to Oxcy OD's. So sad and such a waste. If you can stay home and jones with narcotics why did you stop? Why are so maney on this forum  because there live's are in ruins from these drugs.Now your saying how terrible cocane is. Why can't I walk into a pharmacy ond buy a bag of coke to do in my on home? Just because you like a certain drug, that drug should be legal? This is an open Forum,and to paraphrase;If you don't like what I have to say, don't read it. Best always, shane

[billyb]

Hello everyone

Well, I made it through. Oh the guilt. I tossed the rigs in the trash. I can only hope I will never touch another. I am scared to go to a detox, because of the system. They had my number when I was drinking. Made my life hell, and I didn't quit drinking. I have now been clean from drinking for 4 yrs, because I wanted it. This is more powerful though. I'm just scared of what people will think of me. The last thing I want, is to be known as a junkie. Even though that's exactly what I am. I feel better today. I would like to thank you all for your words of compassion. I will get through this ****.

Rick

[skipper]

rick:
first of all let me tell you how glad i am to hear from you. i've
not forgotten  what it's like to feel the anguish you must have
felt when you posted yesterday.

rick, stop worrying about what people think. start worrying about
what could happen the next time you do up all the coke you can get
your hands on!

there is always room for one more person in this forum.
kip

[Frank Lee]

Hey Shane,

Thomas doesn't need anybody to defend him, but, excuse me, what did you say? I can't find your previous post.

If you think you are going to find most of the people in denial here, you have another thought coming. As one of the folks who posted about the inherent inequities in being able to purchase booze but not vicodin, I will make a value judgment - cocaine is by far more destructive than vicodin. That doesn't mean that we (I) don't have substance abuse problems. It doesn't mean that I can't offer advice without being hypocritical. It's called support and you'll find Thomas has given a lions' share of support for months on this board.

No one's endorsing abuse. I'd refrain from flaming folks here. This is a place to help others. Disagreements are fine (you and I disagree about cocaine) but I wouldn’t take the holier than thou approach. Ain't a lot of saints here. Just folks struggling with common problems.

Frank

[shane]

Hey Frank, My post with Thom is from an earlier thread that was disrubted by the horrible events in NY and Washington. Frank, to compare the dangers of two dangerouss drugs is moot. Its' like comparing a 9mm to a .45. Two children I knew are dead from oxy's, how dead is dead? Also the last thing I want to do here is appear "holier than thou" I'am the last person to even think of it. I have been through it all and caused a lot of hurt and damage to people I love and who loved me.This is nothing to feel holier about,EVER! Thomas didn't like what I said and I didn't like what he said. That's Freedom of speech. I too am here to help whoever I can and will continue to do so even if it's not as often as some other's. Mabey I don't have as much to offer in terms of quantity so I'll reserve my posting's to when I think they are relevent. Thanks for your input Frank.And I pray we can all work in accord, towards heping others who are were we once were.  Shane

[shane]

Hello Rick, Please let me apologise for any disruption I may have caused in your thread! Your problem with coke is by far the priority hear.Listen to the maney wonderful people here; there is much advise that can help you. You do need to take whatever step's neccecary to end this addition. Please get help with a Reputable detox facility. They will aid you tremendously. God Bless you and keep posting. Shane

[shane]

Hello Rick, Please let me apologise for any disruption I may have caused in your thread! Your problem with coke is by far the priority hear.Listen to the maney wonderful people here; there is much advise that can help you. You do need to take whatever step's neccecary to end this addition. Please get help with a Reputable detox facility. They will aid you tremendously. God Bless you and keep posting. Shane

[Shea]

Thank you both for your reply on the pins and needle sensation in my hands. I appreciate your response. I am going to give my doctor a call WW. Gianna I don't think or at least hope it is not due to detox still as it has been about 5 weeks for me. Even though from time to time I feel post acute withdrawls. Either way I am all for the 5htp. THE GOOD OUT WEIGHS ANY BAD.

I seen katie r posted on tuesday. I hope she isn't beating herself up too much. As i haven't seen anymore posts since. though I realize with the nation in turmoil our minds are elsewhere.
KATIE R even if you scored a few pills the point is look how long you went with out them. Next time might be longer and maybe your will shall increase. And as you said you managed to spread them out some. PLEASE DON'T SEE THIS AS A FAILURE.


Shea

[niccee]

My husband is a chronic pain patient who has had trouble finding doctors to treat him. He is not an addict. I think it is ridiculous that people can buy alcohol, but he can't walk into a pharmacy and get the meds he needs. I on the other hand am an addict even though there are laws in place that stop me from walking into a pharmacy and getting meds. As for Thomas, he does not need me to defend him either, but I want to say that he has been a wealth of information to me. I respect his opinion alot and hope that he keeps posting, because I still need help as does many others.

[cindi]

I agree with Frank and those other forum members that find thomas pretty high up on our list,(I have always valued views and opinions of everyone here that shares on this forum,,,good, bad or indifferent)...,,He does not need defending however, I have this bad habit of finding the good qualities in those I care about and have helped me out,,,Thomas qualifies as both for me..I really see where he has written anything so wrong..I don;t see that he was glorifying opiates in any way..I think I am the one that started this whole thing by stating a fact...In the beginning the opiates made me feel pretty damn good,,,,why else would I have started using?  why did anyone start using? Other than those that feel victim to the addictive tendencies that opiates posess....such as chronic pain people...and I  myself would like to know why is it that we can go into a store and buy booze easily and not opiates when the booze is as deadly, if not deadlier than narcotics..alcohol kills your liver, just like some opiates, and you say teens are dying from oxy od's  what about alcohol poisoning?  it happens more frequently than you think....it kills innocent people....behind the wheels of cars etc....and opiates do have medicinal value....more so than booze..none of it is good for you.....I simply asked Thomas a question about a thread that we had going on here several months ago about us as addicts enjoying the feeling we at first got from the opiates...so go ahead and blast ME....I really don't care...i expressed my feelings and my opinions...and of course I do see the downside of addiction....I was there,,,a place I don't want to go back to but I do at times have questions in my head...maybe alot of us have the same questions but for fear of being bashed or feeling humiliated they don't ask these questions..I don't think it was my intent or Thomas's intent to glorify or justify anything..I hope everyone has a great weekend.....and God be with us all during this devasting American massacre...love to all  cin

[cindi]

Sorry  I was not able to get back with you last nihgt..You have received some good advice from these people here...Listen to what they say...Kip, WW and Thomas among the others are so very helpful and insightful...There is help and there is hope....have you considered a 12 step program....PLEASE  SOMEONE CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG...I don't know much about coke,,I briefly smoked crack and that was horrible enough but I heard the psychological addiction is worse than the physical addiction as far as little or withdrawals that are not as bad as opiate withdrawal..I know when I smoked it the psychological **** was the bad part....i had no withdrawals and I smoked pretty much for about 3 months.12 step programs..CA, NA, AA some type of support  etc......hang in thnere and best of luck to you my friend   love to all  cin

[skipper]

hey people:
i guess if i had to take sides, i'ld have to side with Frank.
thomas can take care of him self. how ever this whole little side
track reminds me of a phase i went thru the first time i cleaned
up my hand in a 12 step program---
lets see it went something like this--
"be carefull of my fragile feelings, i'm really quite vulnerable-
so please remember about my fragile feelings-
yes, yes REMEMBER MY FRAGILE ******* FEELINGS WHILE I STOMP JOY-
FULLY ALL OVER YOUR FEELINGS (there not as fragile as mine)

(it doesn't always have to make sense)

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[Kristen]

Well put GIRL!!!!!

[shane]

Cindi, I agree with you on everything you said.But just because booze is also deadly,(it is) there is no reason to add another easily accesable drug to the mix. It would only put more on the street.I love the feelings from opiates as much or MORE than anyone on this forum. I tried every conceivable way known to use without being consumed. I just don't believe anyone can use opiates in an addiced state without them taking a very heavy toll on their life's and the life's on people close to them. If anyone here can do so, i envey them!I had someone very close to me who recently had confesed his addiction to heroin, as he started with oxcy's and vic's it really put things in a different light. I was just expressing my feelings at the time. Not judging anyone. I thought Thomas got nasty with me in his post and I responded. Over and done. As far as anyone stating who's side there on (kip)? I don't really give a F*** and a half. Who ask you. What's a twelve step program?  Anyway, Hope this settles things a little. Bless you Cindi.And Addicts everywhere. God bless our country during these trying times.. Shane

[cindi]

Thank you for the post,,,Shane,  I had never imagined that my simple post re; opiates would stir up all of this...I really think that neither Thomas our you have meant to cause any problems and I know skipper never meant ti create problems either...I understand what you are saying about the opiates   truly I do.....I know all too well were opiate use will lead....I don't think I have ever talke to you in great length about my life but for a very long time I was at the bottom....I gave up a great nursing profession to save myself and when I relapsed I almost lost everything I worked so hard to get...this is the 2nd time i have tried t post,,I lost the 1st one in the cyber hole so i have to try and keep it brief....at the risk of repeating myself I lost my mom this past Christmas morning....for the past 11 years throujgh my stuggle with drugs my mom was my strength...loving me like I will never be loved by anyone ever again....shen she died, I felt this emptiness I had felt in the past,,,,emotionless and void of all human feelings....I had nowhere to turn,,,,,I felt I had lost my faith as I was so angry at God.....my sister told me about the forum,,so I reluctantly started to read these posts and soon I chimed in......the first people to my rescue were Thomas, JB Angelica and another woman..they listened to me blubber at all times of the night,,,,they heard me repeat myself over and over again and they understood...the pulled me from what could have very easily been the beginning of the end for me.....yes, it is the internet, and it is a monitor and a keyboard and people have much better things to do that sit and listen to some stranger sit and blubber everynight..but guess what,,,they did...and the caring and concern was genuine.....and they, 9 months later are still here for me..should i get into my blubbering mode again,,,they are here...I am approaching my 41st birthday this coming tuesday...and it is the first birthday that I am having since my mom has died....the woman that gave me life is not here.and to be really honest the only only thing I want to do right now is be numb and not feel one damn thing....but I can't...so I look to these people once again for suport and love....that is the kind of place I was in last weekend when I wrote that post...now,  with all of that sad and done,,,this whole thing behind us....maybe we can look to the future....and stand together as Americans during this horrible cowardly mess..the terrorists did just the opposite...instead of driving a wedge between people of this country they have only succeeded in drawing us closer together.....we hve got to show them that they have not won.....we are a strong, brave country and we can look at these cowards in the face and laugh at them....we have proven to them what has already been staed many many years ago...we are ne Nation,,,under God, INDIVISIBLE>>>>I hope you have a great weekend my friend     love to all   cin

[shane]

Thank You Cindi, that was very sweet of you to write me! I'am done with all this trivial ****. We all need support or we wouldn't be on this forum. I apologise if I disrupted that vien.I fear for the future as I have a son who is of age for the draft.This certainly has brought our country closer together and we will need to remain that way. God bless you.   shane

[cindi]

I know what you mean....even though I am at the 41 mark,,,I have a brother from my dad's 2nd marriage that is just 18 and a freshman in college,,,,my husband is only 33  (ahem,,,,I like em young)   now,,,correct me if I'm wrong but didn;t they do away with the draft?    my understanding is this:  first they get all the military men out there...including the national guard and the reserves....then if we don't have enough Congress has to have an emergencey session to re-instate the draft....my husband is only 33,,,if there was a draft he would go if need be  up until the age of 35......Thank God I dont have to worry about my boy   he is only 3....I think I am a tad to young to recall every detail of the Vietnam war..I do remember my neighbor going off and we were crying but,All we can do is hope and Pray to our God and everyone else pray to their higher power that it does not come to that....like I said   it is time to show them we will not tolerate their ****.....to Unite and be strong together.....and yes  put our trivial differences to rest.....love to you and all my friend      cin

[Poopypants]

Dude,

   GO GET HELP.

[CKivlan]

Hi Rick... I just read your post... I have not been to this site in a while.  I am 20 years old and I use to have a bad cocaine attack.  Most people probally know me here. I posted... I THINK I AM DYING.  I did so much cocaine one night... I thought i was going to die but i was too scared to say anything to my mom.  After a week of not being able to sleep and breathe properally i went to the E.R. My mom wanted to kick me out  but i couldn't function right... i couldnt do ****... I now have bad panic attacks/anxiety disorder.  Everyday... My heart starts racing and i freak out...throw up...black out.... Its the most horrible feeling.  I wish i never ever touched cocaine.  I am only 20 and i sometimes feel that if i were dead... i wouldnt feel such pain.  Doctors put me on stuff like Prozac..PAXIL.. Zolost...but I am so allergic to SSRI's.  They made me sicker... I alreaady had sleeping problems and it only made it worse.  Shaking...my heart racinggggg.... and just felt like i was dying.  Ill never touch such a drug in the rest of my life.  I still have a drinking problem that I wish i could kick... but its really not easy.  Im afraid your going to learn the hard way from a heart attack or something.  I learned the hard way.  My heart hurts everyday but i dont have insurance to go to a doctor and im scared.  PLEASE give up cocaine... the aftermath is horrible and you have so much to live for.  Give it up and you will see in 2 weeks how much better you feel and healthier!  Give it a try!  God Bless You and Everybody... ~*Cynthia*~