I can't stop this, all I am is a drug addict.

Hi,
I just joined this forum, I am a 21 year old girl, and I'm hopelessly addicted to oxycontin. I don't know where to turn anymore, I have been doing it for two and a half years now, and it completely consumes me. I am from a really good neighborhood/town, a really good family, i've been given the best of everything, and on the outside everything seems perfect. But on the inside I am empty, hopeless, and undeserving of everything. Everyday I wake up sick in withdrawal, the only reason I get up is to do that first line of oxycontin. I worry all day if I have enough, will I get through the day, will I have enough for the morning, should I get more now or later? Worst of all, i've tried rehab, gotten a sponsor, gone to meetings, and for a small small amount of time I was able to barely hang on to a bit of sobriety, but not for long. And i've been back at it for several months now, even worse now because I have to lie to everyone. And the worst part is, I don't even know if I really want to be sober now, or maybe I do, but I am so in my disease, that it's telling me NOO! You don't want to be sober anymore! I am scared, and I feel absolutely hopeless and lost. I am scared to work the steps, there are things in my past I don't want to deal with, and I avoid things at all costs. I think I am in a lot of denial right now, telling myself it's okay to be using because I still work, and am really productive throughout my day. In some ways I feel like I am more productive when I am on oxycontin than without. Regardless, I am trapped again, back in the midst of using, withdrawling, using, and withdrawling, and I just don't know what to do anymore, I have put so much energy into using, and into being sober, lost so much from my disease, and now I am right back where I was. If anyone has any advice, I would so appreciate it. Thanks for even taking the time to read this.

[lucyred68]

Hun, you are far more than just an addict.  The title of your entry broke my heart.  You were made by God with a purpose for your life.  Maybe it's to help other addicts after you kick this stuff.  I know it seems hopeless now, but if you want to stop, there is a lot of help in here.  You will have to admit you fell back into it and get help again, but your life is worth so much more than the pride of hiding your addiction.  You need to make sure you have aftercare when you kick your addiction.  that seems to be the thing missing from your life now.  I will be praying that God will reveal how much He loves you, and how you are worth His very life.  When you are ready, there is a lot of help in here who feels the same way that I do, YOU ARE WORTH HELPING.   Lucy

[dominosarah]

Hi and welcome to the forum.  I can feel the desperation in your words.  You are important and worthwhile.  I remember feeling like this too but there is hope.  You can stop this insanity.  You mention not wanting to do the steps cuz you dont want to deal with the pain of things.  I can tell you that the pain you are feeling right now is way worse then dealing with the demons that haunt us.  I know its scary and uncomfortable but it is necessary to do this.  Using is just a symptom of what is really going on.  You have to make YOU the no.1 priority and get yourself better.  Your tolerance will go up and all you will be doing is chasing a high that doesnt ever happen.  Keep talking with us, we understand what you are feeling.....You are important to us.......sara

[StillLost21]

Thank you both for responding, I appreciate it so much. I just feel like I have tried to stop so many times and I can never stay sober, it seems like just a matter of days before i'm back getting high again. I just don't know how to be sober. I can get sober, but I don't know how to stay sober. Even with all the help in the world, I destroy myself. It seems like I avoid situations where people might actually care or want to help. There are some dark things from my past that I choose to block out of my head, and I guess I am scared to talkabout it or deal with it. All i know how to do is run from things and get high. People have put so much energy into helping me and I just destroy it, it's like I am my own worst enemy, and I just don't feel worthy of anything anymore, especially love or care or help from people. I put others first, I like to help other people involve myself in other people's problems, anything to avoid ME. Sometimes it seems like I am running from myself. I don't know if this makes sense, this is the first time i've tried to sort through what i'm thinking in my head in a while, so it might be a big mess. I just feel lost right now, but I appreciate you guys taking the time to read what i've wrote and respond to it so much! Thank you. I am still using right now, but i've been trying to cut back, I have bad wd's when I don't do oxycontin, but I think deep down I know that if I want anything in life then i've got to stop, I just feel like I can't do it, and at this point i'm wondering if it's even worth it.

[dominosarah]

Everything you have said makes sense to me.  I remember feeling like that and thinking i would never get better, that i deserved this and didnt deserve to be happy.  I was soooo wrong.  I used for the majority of my life and now at 49 i am finally living.  The answers are right in front of you, just keep reaching out to us okay?  We arent going to give up on you so dont give up on yourself.  You are a good person.       sara

[jamajessie]

I know a lot of people wont agree with me but have you tried suboxone therapy?  I think that sub could help you. I think it could help stop this cycle your in and while your own it you could get some help with the things in your past that are haunting you without worrying about withdrawing   and where your going to get your next pill from. You could focus on the things that are bothering you mentally first so that you can work on your addiction. The only way that you will ever get clean is to try to get past the mental things that keep haunting you. Those things are the reason you are abusing because the pain you feel from the past.

[StillLost21]

I haven't tried suboxone before, maybe I will look into it, thank you. I always thought that the things from the past weren't bothering me because I never thought about it, so it didn't cause me pain. I have pushed those things deep down and I don't think about them. I just want to have a life off oxycontin so badly, I want to break free of it's chains, but then once I get sober, it seems like all I think about is oxycontin, and wanting to do it, and it still is consuming me so much and ruling my head, that eventually I just give in and think well, if this is how I am going to feel sober, and if I am still going to be thinking about it non stop, then I might as well use. I mean how do you guys stay sober? Do you still think about your drug a lot?

[dominosarah]

Short term Sub along with therapy may be the ticket.  Just know that sub wd's are no fun.  Do your homework on this before you decide.

Staying sober is hard work but it gets easier with time.  Aftercare has given me the tools to use in my daily living.  I have a choice everyday and today i have chosen to stay clean.  We have to live in the now as today, right now is what is important.  I was looking death in the face at the end and i decided it was either that or change, so i did.  I still think about my drug on occasion but i know that it will kill me and i have so much to live for.

[StillLost21]

You are so right, everyday I am killing myself, and it frustrates me so much that it seems that is just not enough to make me stop. I am trying to make tomorrow day one. Hopefully I can do it. I'm scared, but maybe this time i'll get it.

[dominosarah]

Keep posting here and we will help you...You are important to us        sara

[GA Guy]

I think the key is that you haven't worked the steps. There's a magic that comes from interacting with sponsors and people in meetings. It will keep you clean for a while..but the steps get us into recovery. You simply MUST jump into that 4th step and face the old demons if you want this long term. The Oxycontin isn't the problem...it's these repressed feeling and the fact that you're using to suppress them. It's a simple program, but nobody said it was easy. Please, give it another shot and stop letting the past be a prison for your future.

[surfin]

I know you can do it!  Don't give in, summon the strength!

[dominosarah]

How are you feeling today??

[StillLost21]

I was going to make today day one, but i've had to work all day and tomorrow i've got a really short shift so I am trying to make tomorrow day one. I really want to stop tomorrow, but I feel like I always say "oh tomorrow is day one" and then I wake up really sick and say oh no i will make TOMORROW day one, and the cycle just keeps continuing. I really am going to try to make tomorrow day one though, I have to stop this sick lifestyle. I am really affecting my health, and my whole life is a lie. All I know how to do is avoid things and push things back another day, and then another day, I don't know how to deal with stuff, and I guess I live in fear. I am mad at myself, I am frsutrated, and i guess scared. Thank you so much for asking how I am though, I appreciate you guys caring, and you dont even really know me. It means a lot, thank you.

[calejea2625]

Hey I have been reading all of your post this mornin and my heart breaks for you, I am a addict from tramadol just day 8 being clean for me!!  But im 31 got a wonderful family with 2 boys and a wonderful husband. I felt the same way u did last couple of weeks, but let me tell you all of the memories that keep coming back to you is nothing but the devil reminding u of all what u went through and the pill is the only thing that will help u well Guess what He is Wrong!! U got to believe this God planned u before u was even consieved and had your life planned out and he already new u was going to go through this.  But sometimes God put us through trials and tribulations just to test us just because he knows u will fall right back and do it all over and over.....agian. Well God still loves u just as much as when u was born to now i may not think so but he does, and he is here to hold your hand but the big thing is u have got to ask for his help and let him hold your hand while u go through this. Once u ask for his help I promise the memories may come back in your mind and agian its the devil testing u but u have got to lay them memories down and give it to God and walk away let God handle it that what he is there for. Give it to Him!!! I know i may sound like some christian freak but I know with out Him nothing is possible. Go look in the mirror and look really deep and say to your self this is not u and tell your self  I want my life back, keep saying it and mean it from the bottom of your heart. U Can do this I promise I don't know if u r a christian or not but I know if u can find a raidio satation that plays praise music now not the hymnal old baptist music I talking about some up beat praise music listen to the words and for some reason the words seem like it is directly to you. Just remember God will NEVER AND I SAY NEVER PUT U THROUGH ANYTHING U CAN'T HANDLE!!!! Just put it down walk away give it to him he died on the cross and gave us enternity life. I know this may sound stupid, but when memories start coming back or the pills r in your mind start singing Jesus loves me, it is a childerns song but he does love u and I do to and I am praying for u.....Candie

[StillLost21]

Today I tried to stop, I woke up sick in withdrawal, soaked in sweat, my body ached all over, I could barely walk, my eyes were watering, I was sweating from being hot, then the next second I was freezing, my eyesight was blurry (is that even normal) my stomach hurt so bad, I couldn't eat, getting up to walk over to the bathroom from the couch was a task just in itself and this was just in the first 18 hours. I kept going back in forth in my head, do I really want to stop? Yes, I need to stop, No I don't want to stop, back and forth, and the addict part of my head was coming up with a million reasons why I shouldn't stop. THen my dealer called, said I could come meet him and get some oxycontin 80's and of course I went. I just don't know how I am going to get sober,  Ican't even make it one day through withdrawal, kind of pathetic. It is so horrible feeling, I am scared of the withdrawal, and down on myself because I don't even think I can stay sober, and then I just think well what's the point of going through the WD if i'll just be back on it in a fewdays or weeks anyways. I don't know, I am just so hopeless with this right now, I don't know what to do.

[quitinoxys]

I am sorry to here you gave into a moment of weakness and you are not pathetic you are an human being just making bad choices. If you really didn't want to get sober you wouldn't be here asking for help. PLEASE PLEASE take your life back. You can do it and when you are in a moment of weakness just come here and post. You are not alone becuase  of this forum I am off oxy @ day 5. Wow day 5 didn't think I would be here but I am and you could be here to posting to someone and telling them to hang on. So make right now minute one and then hour one then day one that's how you have to do it. Why don't you try again. I am praying for you and asking God to give you the strength to beat this.

[surfin]

you CAN do it!!!!!  you're talking to a community of  people who battle addiction every day, and you're not alone.  if you're running out of options, maybe try going to an NA meeting and see if they have any ideas.  you just may find the support you need.  your life is yours to take, god bless you

[redplum]

Hi,
Just joined last night but think I may have posted on a very old thread. Anyway...
I'm so ashamed...I am in my 40's and have been addicted to Oxycodones and "contins" for 6 years now...and have recently graduated to the big "H" when I temporally ran out. I guess it's been a good six months on that garbage now. This all started when I lost my great paying job as an online consultant for a medical firm and lost my best friend of 17 years. Also a wonderful 8 year relationship which I through away for another and not to mention having my 14 year old son at the time stolen and taken to another state. I do have contact with him now quite regularly. I might add we are very close and he is aware of my situation. He is rooting for me.  I decided to quite last night...everything (30 years of alcohol abuse as well). I am so scared. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have been been making some very poor decisions lately. I am going to attempt this at home on my own due to no insurance. I have the clonazepam. Thank gawd. Just need to get the rest of the survival kit. I have horrible anxiety about the whole thing. I recently lost a different job of three years due to false allegations which I won't get into to. I actually was a functioning user...I think. Anyway whole different story. Needless to say, that added to the depression. Next week I need to look for a job once again and am so worried about interviews and just talking to anyone for that matter, but have decided to "bite the bullet" so to speak. I gave this quitting thing a shot a week ago and was so miserable that I gave in. I know that this is not how I want to see myself 20 years from now. My friends have either passed on, or are in the same boat. My dad is a full blown alcoholic. I'm ashamed to talk to my mom about this and to top it off I am in an abusive relationship. I feel so alone. I need to do this to get better and gain my self esteem back so I can start living my life the way I imagine it to be. I have always struggled with depression and am worried that it will get out of hand. I have made a fool out of myself by calling other family members and friends while so loaded over a six year span that I have shut myself down from them until I can make the sense that I use to. I'm am so grateful to have stumbled upon this forum and wish everyone the best with their detox and recovery. I guess what I would like to know... is if anyone out there has really experienced getting themselves back and if I am being overly scared? It terrifies me to loose all I have known for the past six years. I feel like I'm loosing my best friend. How am I going to function??? Oxy's sure did help me to feel social and fun. They were my self confidence. I fear feeling lost and alone. Also does anyone have a detox story that's not quite so scary? Any advice would be most welcome.

[ahhhhhh76]

Hi im so sorry for what ur going through right now im 61hours in my detox i never thought i would be this far into it but i am, I dont think ur pathetic or worthless i think with the right people behind u you can soo do this i really do, i was so afraid of telling my wife and i did tell her on mon. and here i am in the thick of it ,she has been so supportive and i belive we all need someone next to us.. My dealer called me yest. and for a min. i stayed quiet on the phone but i kindlly asked him not to call me anymore and explained to him the situation.I didnt think i could get through day one or two but here i am at day three and i think i feel better today to early to tell. Be strong StillLost we are all in this cabboose on this horrible train ride, to a great life together.

[Purbeckgirl]

You can do this! It can only get better, hang on in there, we are thinking of you. Nicky

[Purbeckgirl]

Just another thought. I used to take one day at a time but when this became to much I would break it up into 15 minutes at a time, hope this helps. Nicky

[redplum]

Hello,

  It sounds as though you and I have some similarities...I too am blocking out some dark stuff in my past. I have been self medicating for ever. I managed to stay clean for 18 months during my pregnancy and breast feeding. Thank gaud! I have seen drug addicted babies and the long term effects on them and am so thankful I found the strength to do everything in my power to assure my son would have a healthy start in life. I have always managed to hide my addictions until recently. It's definitely all caught up with me.The last six years have gone by so fast...feels like one big long weekend. I could have accompished so much. Oxy has made me forget about prioities and made me numb...to everything. I think there may be some major counseling in order once I wake up from this crap. All the stuff I have been repressing. plus the new stuff. Despite childhood abuse issues and abandonment at age 15, I managed to put myself through college and hold jobs with perfect attendance. One of which lasted 12 years before I moved on. I've never had a job that lasted less then three years. And always managed to move up the ladder. I have always considered myself a survivor with the exception of picking the wrong relationships. Except the one I let go of course. Homeless at 15 I took anything I could get my hands on. This Oxycontin thing though, is by far the most wicked. And now Heroin??? Who the H*** am I? I wish I would have never taken my first pill. Crushing it, smoking it, snorting it and so forth. Popping them got old after the first year. Anything to get more bang for your buck you know. Things got so bad two years ago I took a crap load of morphine and said the heck with it. How selfish could I have been. I thought of my son (the only good thing in my life besides my mother) and went to the ER. I thank God everyday I made it there on time. The Oxy has clouded my mind so much. I have lost so much weight. Throughout the last year It was nothing for me to go 3 or 4 days without even wanting a bite to eat. Just recently I have gotten back on track and have been forcing myself to eat/drink (juicing) and take vitamins/herbals. And to think I use to be a health nut. I participated in marathons, bike racing, volksports, hiking and the like. Pictures of myself receiving medals and awards are plastered all over the internet for the last 20 years. This is why I am so ashamed. Disgusted is more like it. I don't like who I am anymore. I don't feel proud of myself. I literally feel like I am dying. Since my last post I was one day in and the shaking, diarrhea, headache, muscle/bone aches, sweating, insomnia, confusion, etc. was so unbearable I broke down and got some stuff. I feel great physically but now I feel like a failure. I took that energy to the store and bought everything I need to start over and am gong to lock myself in for the next week...by the phone of course. If I don't kick it this this time I will be homeless after 26 years in the same house. I have exhausted every dime I have just to stay "well". Anyway StillLost21, I want you to know that my heart goes out to you, and you will be in my prayers. Like you I have always done for others and neglected myself. Today I have made the decision to put me first for a change. Before I end up dead. I have said good-bye to some toxic people, finally. You have your whole life ahead of you. Hang in there and be strong. I'll be rooting for you. ;-)    ~redplum~

[quitinoxys]

Great to here that you are going to get clean. I am in Day 6 of oxy cold turkey. I think the worst of it is over for me. You said oxy maid you feel social think about that statement as it is not to social to have to hide your addiction. You have taken the first step to getting your life back and you WILL make it, attitude is everything. As far as some things that will help you through the w/d's  look up Thomas recipe and the Amino Acid protocol it was a great help for me. I am pulling for you and I will pray for God to send you the strength to bet this.

[redplum]

Thank you so much for the reply. Looked up the Thomas recipe a couple of days ago...have it all but the L-Tyrosine (500 mg caps) and getting that today. Thats what's going to save me I hope. Going to add some Echinacea-Goldenseal and a few other things to the mix. And no.. I agree with you about the whole social thing. I'ts just that I am so different on Oxy's...more outgoing. I guess I'm scared to feel again and to get to know myself all over again. I've been on some sort of mind altering substance my whole life pretty much that it terrifies me to be sober...thank you for adding me in your prayers. I practicaly have no one in my life anymore. I use have so many friends, but this abusive relationship and oxy's and "H" have isolated me. Besides I have lost a bunch of people in my life over the last decade...I have never been this alone in my life and I don't know how to get new people in my life if I'm going to try to stay out of the bars. I'm still extreamly depressed over the death of my best friend and now another friend is dying of terminal cancer. Lost two of my girlfriends a couple of years ago as well and yet another death the day before memorial day. My support group I use to have has vanished. I cry everyday.  

[IBKleen]

Hi Redplum,

You are in the right place. this is a great site for support. That being said, it does not replace real life contact with the outside world. I think joining an outside support group would benefit you. There you would have a chance to meet new people who living life clean and who can share their experiences with you. We tend to isolate when using and it can become a lifestyle. I don't want to see that happen to you.

"H" is my drug of choice and was for more years than I care to admit. I know what comes with the use of it and believe me, I feel your pain. It makes mine very fresh when I read your posts.

Have you considered counseling of some kind and/or meetings? It was the ONLY thing that saved me and so many people said I was hopeless. there is no such thing. Let me know if you will give a meeting a try and I will help you find some in your area.

In the meantime, try not to dwell on the past. It is gone. You need to look to the future and know that there is hope..always.

Please keep posting and talking. It does help. You may want to start your own thread because it gets hard to follow when someone else starts one. You can go to the top of this page, hit the green "Post A Question" button and follow the instructions. If you need help, just yell.

Hope to see you post again.

[quitinoxys]

You have God and the people in this forum in your life now so you aren't alone anymore. God directed you to this forum because he feels your pain. Get clean and you can start worrying about all that addiction stuff in aftercare. I am pulling for you you can do it.

[redplum]

I can't believe it...I can't stop crying....THANK YOU!  You both made my whole week...You don't even know...I've been so depressed. And for fine folks like yourselvs to care like that makes me believe in myself again. I have been thinking the worst lately. Already gave away alot of stuff...Drugs have really messed up my life...guess I don't know how to use this forum all the way yet. So why should I start my own thread? Hope I didn't bust in on a private deal here. I appologize if I did. sort of new to the whole forum thing.

[IBKleen]

You didn't bust on anything. It would just be easier for you to follow and for the people who are helping you to follow.

Someone is always here, day and night. It's an international site and we have addicts from all over the world ... yup, you are not alone.

[quitinoxys]

It might be better if you started your on thread (post) as this one is old and u may not get too much traffic.

[redplum]

Ok...I wil. Thank you guys. I'ts so nice to know that there is help like this. Just don't know If I can muster up the strength to go to a group or meeting yet. Probably for sure after all the hard stuff is over. I know I will need it. I feel good knowing that during the whole detox thing I can hop on here and get support. I have absolutely no one to talk to anymore. How did this happen??? Retoricle of course. tee hee. Maybe I will see you all in my thread. Thanx again y'all. And god bless.

[laurel453]

hi, redplum

you can copy and paste your first post here on a new thread , ie... :)

[mary24609]

Dear still lost,
I can't tell you how much you remind me of me. I am reading your posts and thinking this is me.I, too, came from a good home, was productive in my working life and thought I was a better person when I was using than when I wasn't. I felt like I had so much energy when I was on oxy and felt like complete and total crap when I wasn't. I also went through the cycle of using, then quitting, then using again. This is something I continue doing to this day. I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain and have been in your shoes. Please, don't give up! You are worth it and it does get better. I know it is a long and difficult process but you are not alone. My thoughts are with you.

[paintedangel]

I am a newbie here too redplum, but I want to contact everyone on here as much as possible. I cannot say our situations are similar, but truly we are all in the same sad boat I will pray for you kiddo and I hope you stay on here...we can be newbies together and hopefully defeat our demons together! I am here for you my new friend!

[kittycat1433]

Well you are a lady not a girl you need to tell your family what u are doing and get help your family will help you your a young lady and you have a HUGE future in front of you i know you knowthat god is a loving giving god and be real with him to STOP NOW if you havent stopped then do so and be real with everyone and i think you will come out just fine your not a loser in life you are here for a reason so just stop now beforeit gets any worse and you think its bad now imagine 5 6 yrs down the road im sure you have done things your not proud of and wuld crawl under thetable if anyone found out well if so just think how many more of thse things could happen thru theyrs trust me you dont want to end up with the skeltons falling out of your closet i have done this so im just telling you maybe you wll think abt it!!!!!good luck

[falconflyer]

Hi,

Your story is not unlike any other addicts here or me, your 21, smart with your whole life ahead of you. I did treatment at your age for all the wrong reasons...guess what it failed...few years more of hardship and addiction brought me to all the places I didn't want to be. You have to hit rock bottom, maybe a few times to make sure you hit that bottom where its either lie down and die or get back up. Its not easy, It cant be done alone...Find an N/A meeting even when ur still using. Bring the body and the mind will soon follow. AYou will meet people just like you who can help.. Go to your g.p and try get into a detox unit if possible ...YOU CAN DO IT!!!. you have to accept that you cant that mind altering substances like a 'normal take it or leave it person'...Acceptance takes time, go to the meetings and you will have seeds planted in your brain which makes using a mental conflict from this point on. In short you wont feel the same about getting high with a little N/A in your head. It's a struggle, life's a struggle.. I'm struggling myself but ts possible...

Best of luck.

[StillLost21]

Thanks for all the support. I have a few oxycontin 80's left and when I finish these I plan on stopping. It is going to be tough because I have fully packed days of work every day for the next two months, even on weekends. I know they say whatever you put in front of your recovery is the first thing you will lose. I am really going to try, I am thinking I will start fresh on Monday, face the WD and get through it. I hope I can do this. The discouraging thing is how much work ive got these next few months. When I was on oxycontin I could work a million hours a day, now I won't be able to, and everyday I go to work it will be a constant trigger thinking, just a day ago I was high doing this work. Now I am sober, and sucking at it....

[quitinoxys]

Please quit, but only you can make that decision---I will pray that God gives you wisdom to make the right decision.

[StillLost21]

I am going to. If I can keep an open mind, and listen to people who have lot's of time, and take their suggestions without argueing, and truly want to stop, then I am hoping this time I can get it.

[Purbeckgirl]

Keep going, every hour counts. Thinking of you, Nicky.

[allmymarbles]

It may be fear of withdrawal that keeps you from cleaning yourself up. The trick is to get off it extremely slowly, that is assuming you really want to get off it. Cut back only five per cent and stay at that level for two weeks, or even three weeks if you have to. Then another five per cent for two weeks. It will take a long time, but that doesn't matter. It's like going on a diet. You don't lose much the first month or so, but the improvement accumulates. Your big hurdle is wanting to quit in the first place.

And avoid spending time with fellow addicts. They may try to undermine you.

[StillLost21]

I am going cold turkey tomorrow. I have several people I have to be accountable to tomorrow to prove I am stopping, and mostly, I just want to stop for myself. I hate who I am on this and I want to get off.