Aa
I can't stop this, all I am is a drug addict.
Hi,
I just joined this forum, I am a 21 year old girl, and I'm hopelessly addicted to oxycontin. I don't know where to turn anymore, I have been doing it for two and a half years now, and it completely consumes me. I am from a really good neighborhood/town, a really good family, i've been given the best of everything, and on the outside everything seems perfect. But on the inside I am empty, hopeless, and undeserving of everything. Everyday I wake up sick in withdrawal, the only reason I get up is to do that first line of oxycontin. I worry all day if I have enough, will I get through the day, will I have enough for the morning, should I get more now or later? Worst of all, i've tried rehab, gotten a sponsor, gone to meetings, and for a small small amount of time I was able to barely hang on to a bit of sobriety, but not for long. And i've been back at it for several months now, even worse now because I have to lie to everyone. And the worst part is, I don't even know if I really want to be sober now, or maybe I do, but I am so in my disease, that it's telling me NOO! You don't want to be sober anymore! I am scared, and I feel absolutely hopeless and lost. I am scared to work the steps, there are things in my past I don't want to deal with, and I avoid things at all costs. I think I am in a lot of denial right now, telling myself it's okay to be using because I still work, and am really productive throughout my day. In some ways I feel like I am more productive when I am on oxycontin than without. Regardless, I am trapped again, back in the midst of using, withdrawling, using, and withdrawling, and I just don't know what to do anymore, I have put so much energy into using, and into being sober, lost so much from my disease, and now I am right back where I was. If anyone has any advice, I would so appreciate it. Thanks for even taking the time to read this.
I just joined this forum, I am a 21 year old girl, and I'm hopelessly addicted to oxycontin. I don't know where to turn anymore, I have been doing it for two and a half years now, and it completely consumes me. I am from a really good neighborhood/town, a really good family, i've been given the best of everything, and on the outside everything seems perfect. But on the inside I am empty, hopeless, and undeserving of everything. Everyday I wake up sick in withdrawal, the only reason I get up is to do that first line of oxycontin. I worry all day if I have enough, will I get through the day, will I have enough for the morning, should I get more now or later? Worst of all, i've tried rehab, gotten a sponsor, gone to meetings, and for a small small amount of time I was able to barely hang on to a bit of sobriety, but not for long. And i've been back at it for several months now, even worse now because I have to lie to everyone. And the worst part is, I don't even know if I really want to be sober now, or maybe I do, but I am so in my disease, that it's telling me NOO! You don't want to be sober anymore! I am scared, and I feel absolutely hopeless and lost. I am scared to work the steps, there are things in my past I don't want to deal with, and I avoid things at all costs. I think I am in a lot of denial right now, telling myself it's okay to be using because I still work, and am really productive throughout my day. In some ways I feel like I am more productive when I am on oxycontin than without. Regardless, I am trapped again, back in the midst of using, withdrawling, using, and withdrawling, and I just don't know what to do anymore, I have put so much energy into using, and into being sober, lost so much from my disease, and now I am right back where I was. If anyone has any advice, I would so appreciate it. Thanks for even taking the time to read this.
I am going cold turkey tomorrow. I have several people I have to be accountable to tomorrow to prove I am stopping, and mostly, I just want to stop for myself. I hate who I am on this and I want to get off.
It may be fear of withdrawal that keeps you from cleaning yourself up. The trick is to get off it extremely slowly, that is assuming you really want to get off it. Cut back only five per cent and stay at that level for two weeks, or even three weeks if you have to. Then another five per cent for two weeks. It will take a long time, but that doesn't matter. It's like going on a diet. You don't lose much the first month or so, but the improvement accumulates. Your big hurdle is wanting to quit in the first place.
And avoid spending time with fellow addicts. They may try to undermine you.
And avoid spending time with fellow addicts. They may try to undermine you.
I am going to. If I can keep an open mind, and listen to people who have lot's of time, and take their suggestions without argueing, and truly want to stop, then I am hoping this time I can get it.
Please quit, but only you can make that decision---I will pray that God gives you wisdom to make the right decision.
Thanks for all the support. I have a few oxycontin 80's left and when I finish these I plan on stopping. It is going to be tough because I have fully packed days of work every day for the next two months, even on weekends. I know they say whatever you put in front of your recovery is the first thing you will lose. I am really going to try, I am thinking I will start fresh on Monday, face the WD and get through it. I hope I can do this. The discouraging thing is how much work ive got these next few months. When I was on oxycontin I could work a million hours a day, now I won't be able to, and everyday I go to work it will be a constant trigger thinking, just a day ago I was high doing this work. Now I am sober, and sucking at it....
Hi,
Your story is not unlike any other addicts here or me, your 21, smart with your whole life ahead of you. I did treatment at your age for all the wrong reasons...guess what it failed...few years more of hardship and addiction brought me to all the places I didn't want to be. You have to hit rock bottom, maybe a few times to make sure you hit that bottom where its either lie down and die or get back up. Its not easy, It cant be done alone...Find an N/A meeting even when ur still using. Bring the body and the mind will soon follow. AYou will meet people just like you who can help.. Go to your g.p and try get into a detox unit if possible ...YOU CAN DO IT!!!. you have to accept that you cant that mind altering substances like a 'normal take it or leave it person'...Acceptance takes time, go to the meetings and you will have seeds planted in your brain which makes using a mental conflict from this point on. In short you wont feel the same about getting high with a little N/A in your head. It's a struggle, life's a struggle.. I'm struggling myself but ts possible...
Best of luck.
Your story is not unlike any other addicts here or me, your 21, smart with your whole life ahead of you. I did treatment at your age for all the wrong reasons...guess what it failed...few years more of hardship and addiction brought me to all the places I didn't want to be. You have to hit rock bottom, maybe a few times to make sure you hit that bottom where its either lie down and die or get back up. Its not easy, It cant be done alone...Find an N/A meeting even when ur still using. Bring the body and the mind will soon follow. AYou will meet people just like you who can help.. Go to your g.p and try get into a detox unit if possible ...YOU CAN DO IT!!!. you have to accept that you cant that mind altering substances like a 'normal take it or leave it person'...Acceptance takes time, go to the meetings and you will have seeds planted in your brain which makes using a mental conflict from this point on. In short you wont feel the same about getting high with a little N/A in your head. It's a struggle, life's a struggle.. I'm struggling myself but ts possible...
Best of luck.
Well you are a lady not a girl you need to tell your family what u are doing and get help your family will help you your a young lady and you have a HUGE future in front of you i know you knowthat god is a loving giving god and be real with him to STOP NOW if you havent stopped then do so and be real with everyone and i think you will come out just fine your not a loser in life you are here for a reason so just stop now beforeit gets any worse and you think its bad now imagine 5 6 yrs down the road im sure you have done things your not proud of and wuld crawl under thetable if anyone found out well if so just think how many more of thse things could happen thru theyrs trust me you dont want to end up with the skeltons falling out of your closet i have done this so im just telling you maybe you wll think abt it!!!!!good luck
I am a newbie here too redplum, but I want to contact everyone on here as much as possible. I cannot say our situations are similar, but truly we are all in the same sad boat I will pray for you kiddo and I hope you stay on here...we can be newbies together and hopefully defeat our demons together! I am here for you my new friend!
Dear still lost,
I can't tell you how much you remind me of me. I am reading your posts and thinking this is me.I, too, came from a good home, was productive in my working life and thought I was a better person when I was using than when I wasn't. I felt like I had so much energy when I was on oxy and felt like complete and total crap when I wasn't. I also went through the cycle of using, then quitting, then using again. This is something I continue doing to this day. I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain and have been in your shoes. Please, don't give up! You are worth it and it does get better. I know it is a long and difficult process but you are not alone. My thoughts are with you.
I can't tell you how much you remind me of me. I am reading your posts and thinking this is me.I, too, came from a good home, was productive in my working life and thought I was a better person when I was using than when I wasn't. I felt like I had so much energy when I was on oxy and felt like complete and total crap when I wasn't. I also went through the cycle of using, then quitting, then using again. This is something I continue doing to this day. I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain and have been in your shoes. Please, don't give up! You are worth it and it does get better. I know it is a long and difficult process but you are not alone. My thoughts are with you.
hi, redplum
you can copy and paste your first post here on a new thread , ie... :)
you can copy and paste your first post here on a new thread , ie... :)
Ok...I wil. Thank you guys. I'ts so nice to know that there is help like this. Just don't know If I can muster up the strength to go to a group or meeting yet. Probably for sure after all the hard stuff is over. I know I will need it. I feel good knowing that during the whole detox thing I can hop on here and get support. I have absolutely no one to talk to anymore. How did this happen??? Retoricle of course. tee hee. Maybe I will see you all in my thread. Thanx again y'all. And god bless.
It might be better if you started your on thread (post) as this one is old and u may not get too much traffic.
You didn't bust on anything. It would just be easier for you to follow and for the people who are helping you to follow.
Someone is always here, day and night. It's an international site and we have addicts from all over the world ... yup, you are not alone.
Someone is always here, day and night. It's an international site and we have addicts from all over the world ... yup, you are not alone.
I can't believe it...I can't stop crying....THANK YOU! You both made my whole week...You don't even know...I've been so depressed. And for fine folks like yourselvs to care like that makes me believe in myself again. I have been thinking the worst lately. Already gave away alot of stuff...Drugs have really messed up my life...guess I don't know how to use this forum all the way yet. So why should I start my own thread? Hope I didn't bust in on a private deal here. I appologize if I did. sort of new to the whole forum thing.
You have God and the people in this forum in your life now so you aren't alone anymore. God directed you to this forum because he feels your pain. Get clean and you can start worrying about all that addiction stuff in aftercare. I am pulling for you you can do it.
Hi Redplum,
You are in the right place. this is a great site for support. That being said, it does not replace real life contact with the outside world. I think joining an outside support group would benefit you. There you would have a chance to meet new people who living life clean and who can share their experiences with you. We tend to isolate when using and it can become a lifestyle. I don't want to see that happen to you.
"H" is my drug of choice and was for more years than I care to admit. I know what comes with the use of it and believe me, I feel your pain. It makes mine very fresh when I read your posts.
Have you considered counseling of some kind and/or meetings? It was the ONLY thing that saved me and so many people said I was hopeless. there is no such thing. Let me know if you will give a meeting a try and I will help you find some in your area.
In the meantime, try not to dwell on the past. It is gone. You need to look to the future and know that there is hope..always.
Please keep posting and talking. It does help. You may want to start your own thread because it gets hard to follow when someone else starts one. You can go to the top of this page, hit the green "Post A Question" button and follow the instructions. If you need help, just yell.
Hope to see you post again.
You are in the right place. this is a great site for support. That being said, it does not replace real life contact with the outside world. I think joining an outside support group would benefit you. There you would have a chance to meet new people who living life clean and who can share their experiences with you. We tend to isolate when using and it can become a lifestyle. I don't want to see that happen to you.
"H" is my drug of choice and was for more years than I care to admit. I know what comes with the use of it and believe me, I feel your pain. It makes mine very fresh when I read your posts.
Have you considered counseling of some kind and/or meetings? It was the ONLY thing that saved me and so many people said I was hopeless. there is no such thing. Let me know if you will give a meeting a try and I will help you find some in your area.
In the meantime, try not to dwell on the past. It is gone. You need to look to the future and know that there is hope..always.
Please keep posting and talking. It does help. You may want to start your own thread because it gets hard to follow when someone else starts one. You can go to the top of this page, hit the green "Post A Question" button and follow the instructions. If you need help, just yell.
Hope to see you post again.
Thank you so much for the reply. Looked up the Thomas recipe a couple of days ago...have it all but the L-Tyrosine (500 mg caps) and getting that today. Thats what's going to save me I hope. Going to add some Echinacea-Goldenseal and a few other things to the mix. And no.. I agree with you about the whole social thing. I'ts just that I am so different on Oxy's...more outgoing. I guess I'm scared to feel again and to get to know myself all over again. I've been on some sort of mind altering substance my whole life pretty much that it terrifies me to be sober...thank you for adding me in your prayers. I practicaly have no one in my life anymore. I use have so many friends, but this abusive relationship and oxy's and "H" have isolated me. Besides I have lost a bunch of people in my life over the last decade...I have never been this alone in my life and I don't know how to get new people in my life if I'm going to try to stay out of the bars. I'm still extreamly depressed over the death of my best friend and now another friend is dying of terminal cancer. Lost two of my girlfriends a couple of years ago as well and yet another death the day before memorial day. My support group I use to have has vanished. I cry everyday.
Great to here that you are going to get clean. I am in Day 6 of oxy cold turkey. I think the worst of it is over for me. You said oxy maid you feel social think about that statement as it is not to social to have to hide your addiction. You have taken the first step to getting your life back and you WILL make it, attitude is everything. As far as some things that will help you through the w/d's look up Thomas recipe and the Amino Acid protocol it was a great help for me. I am pulling for you and I will pray for God to send you the strength to bet this.
Hello,
It sounds as though you and I have some similarities...I too am blocking out some dark stuff in my past. I have been self medicating for ever. I managed to stay clean for 18 months during my pregnancy and breast feeding. Thank gaud! I have seen drug addicted babies and the long term effects on them and am so thankful I found the strength to do everything in my power to assure my son would have a healthy start in life. I have always managed to hide my addictions until recently. It's definitely all caught up with me.The last six years have gone by so fast...feels like one big long weekend. I could have accompished so much. Oxy has made me forget about prioities and made me numb...to everything. I think there may be some major counseling in order once I wake up from this crap. All the stuff I have been repressing. plus the new stuff. Despite childhood abuse issues and abandonment at age 15, I managed to put myself through college and hold jobs with perfect attendance. One of which lasted 12 years before I moved on. I've never had a job that lasted less then three years. And always managed to move up the ladder. I have always considered myself a survivor with the exception of picking the wrong relationships. Except the one I let go of course. Homeless at 15 I took anything I could get my hands on. This Oxycontin thing though, is by far the most wicked. And now Heroin??? Who the H*** am I? I wish I would have never taken my first pill. Crushing it, smoking it, snorting it and so forth. Popping them got old after the first year. Anything to get more bang for your buck you know. Things got so bad two years ago I took a crap load of morphine and said the heck with it. How selfish could I have been. I thought of my son (the only good thing in my life besides my mother) and went to the ER. I thank God everyday I made it there on time. The Oxy has clouded my mind so much. I have lost so much weight. Throughout the last year It was nothing for me to go 3 or 4 days without even wanting a bite to eat. Just recently I have gotten back on track and have been forcing myself to eat/drink (juicing) and take vitamins/herbals. And to think I use to be a health nut. I participated in marathons, bike racing, volksports, hiking and the like. Pictures of myself receiving medals and awards are plastered all over the internet for the last 20 years. This is why I am so ashamed. Disgusted is more like it. I don't like who I am anymore. I don't feel proud of myself. I literally feel like I am dying. Since my last post I was one day in and the shaking, diarrhea, headache, muscle/bone aches, sweating, insomnia, confusion, etc. was so unbearable I broke down and got some stuff. I feel great physically but now I feel like a failure. I took that energy to the store and bought everything I need to start over and am gong to lock myself in for the next week...by the phone of course. If I don't kick it this this time I will be homeless after 26 years in the same house. I have exhausted every dime I have just to stay "well". Anyway StillLost21, I want you to know that my heart goes out to you, and you will be in my prayers. Like you I have always done for others and neglected myself. Today I have made the decision to put me first for a change. Before I end up dead. I have said good-bye to some toxic people, finally. You have your whole life ahead of you. Hang in there and be strong. I'll be rooting for you. ;-) ~redplum~
It sounds as though you and I have some similarities...I too am blocking out some dark stuff in my past. I have been self medicating for ever. I managed to stay clean for 18 months during my pregnancy and breast feeding. Thank gaud! I have seen drug addicted babies and the long term effects on them and am so thankful I found the strength to do everything in my power to assure my son would have a healthy start in life. I have always managed to hide my addictions until recently. It's definitely all caught up with me.The last six years have gone by so fast...feels like one big long weekend. I could have accompished so much. Oxy has made me forget about prioities and made me numb...to everything. I think there may be some major counseling in order once I wake up from this crap. All the stuff I have been repressing. plus the new stuff. Despite childhood abuse issues and abandonment at age 15, I managed to put myself through college and hold jobs with perfect attendance. One of which lasted 12 years before I moved on. I've never had a job that lasted less then three years. And always managed to move up the ladder. I have always considered myself a survivor with the exception of picking the wrong relationships. Except the one I let go of course. Homeless at 15 I took anything I could get my hands on. This Oxycontin thing though, is by far the most wicked. And now Heroin??? Who the H*** am I? I wish I would have never taken my first pill. Crushing it, smoking it, snorting it and so forth. Popping them got old after the first year. Anything to get more bang for your buck you know. Things got so bad two years ago I took a crap load of morphine and said the heck with it. How selfish could I have been. I thought of my son (the only good thing in my life besides my mother) and went to the ER. I thank God everyday I made it there on time. The Oxy has clouded my mind so much. I have lost so much weight. Throughout the last year It was nothing for me to go 3 or 4 days without even wanting a bite to eat. Just recently I have gotten back on track and have been forcing myself to eat/drink (juicing) and take vitamins/herbals. And to think I use to be a health nut. I participated in marathons, bike racing, volksports, hiking and the like. Pictures of myself receiving medals and awards are plastered all over the internet for the last 20 years. This is why I am so ashamed. Disgusted is more like it. I don't like who I am anymore. I don't feel proud of myself. I literally feel like I am dying. Since my last post I was one day in and the shaking, diarrhea, headache, muscle/bone aches, sweating, insomnia, confusion, etc. was so unbearable I broke down and got some stuff. I feel great physically but now I feel like a failure. I took that energy to the store and bought everything I need to start over and am gong to lock myself in for the next week...by the phone of course. If I don't kick it this this time I will be homeless after 26 years in the same house. I have exhausted every dime I have just to stay "well". Anyway StillLost21, I want you to know that my heart goes out to you, and you will be in my prayers. Like you I have always done for others and neglected myself. Today I have made the decision to put me first for a change. Before I end up dead. I have said good-bye to some toxic people, finally. You have your whole life ahead of you. Hang in there and be strong. I'll be rooting for you. ;-) ~redplum~
Just another thought. I used to take one day at a time but when this became to much I would break it up into 15 minutes at a time, hope this helps. Nicky
You can do this! It can only get better, hang on in there, we are thinking of you. Nicky
Hi im so sorry for what ur going through right now im 61hours in my detox i never thought i would be this far into it but i am, I dont think ur pathetic or worthless i think with the right people behind u you can soo do this i really do, i was so afraid of telling my wife and i did tell her on mon. and here i am in the thick of it ,she has been so supportive and i belive we all need someone next to us.. My dealer called me yest. and for a min. i stayed quiet on the phone but i kindlly asked him not to call me anymore and explained to him the situation.I didnt think i could get through day one or two but here i am at day three and i think i feel better today to early to tell. Be strong StillLost we are all in this cabboose on this horrible train ride, to a great life together.
Hi,
Just joined last night but think I may have posted on a very old thread. Anyway...
I'm so ashamed...I am in my 40's and have been addicted to Oxycodones and "contins" for 6 years now...and have recently graduated to the big "H" when I temporally ran out. I guess it's been a good six months on that garbage now. This all started when I lost my great paying job as an online consultant for a medical firm and lost my best friend of 17 years. Also a wonderful 8 year relationship which I through away for another and not to mention having my 14 year old son at the time stolen and taken to another state. I do have contact with him now quite regularly. I might add we are very close and he is aware of my situation. He is rooting for me. I decided to quite last night...everything (30 years of alcohol abuse as well). I am so scared. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have been been making some very poor decisions lately. I am going to attempt this at home on my own due to no insurance. I have the clonazepam. Thank gawd. Just need to get the rest of the survival kit. I have horrible anxiety about the whole thing. I recently lost a different job of three years due to false allegations which I won't get into to. I actually was a functioning user...I think. Anyway whole different story. Needless to say, that added to the depression. Next week I need to look for a job once again and am so worried about interviews and just talking to anyone for that matter, but have decided to "bite the bullet" so to speak. I gave this quitting thing a shot a week ago and was so miserable that I gave in. I know that this is not how I want to see myself 20 years from now. My friends have either passed on, or are in the same boat. My dad is a full blown alcoholic. I'm ashamed to talk to my mom about this and to top it off I am in an abusive relationship. I feel so alone. I need to do this to get better and gain my self esteem back so I can start living my life the way I imagine it to be. I have always struggled with depression and am worried that it will get out of hand. I have made a fool out of myself by calling other family members and friends while so loaded over a six year span that I have shut myself down from them until I can make the sense that I use to. I'm am so grateful to have stumbled upon this forum and wish everyone the best with their detox and recovery. I guess what I would like to know... is if anyone out there has really experienced getting themselves back and if I am being overly scared? It terrifies me to loose all I have known for the past six years. I feel like I'm loosing my best friend. How am I going to function??? Oxy's sure did help me to feel social and fun. They were my self confidence. I fear feeling lost and alone. Also does anyone have a detox story that's not quite so scary? Any advice would be most welcome.
Just joined last night but think I may have posted on a very old thread. Anyway...
I'm so ashamed...I am in my 40's and have been addicted to Oxycodones and "contins" for 6 years now...and have recently graduated to the big "H" when I temporally ran out. I guess it's been a good six months on that garbage now. This all started when I lost my great paying job as an online consultant for a medical firm and lost my best friend of 17 years. Also a wonderful 8 year relationship which I through away for another and not to mention having my 14 year old son at the time stolen and taken to another state. I do have contact with him now quite regularly. I might add we are very close and he is aware of my situation. He is rooting for me. I decided to quite last night...everything (30 years of alcohol abuse as well). I am so scared. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have been been making some very poor decisions lately. I am going to attempt this at home on my own due to no insurance. I have the clonazepam. Thank gawd. Just need to get the rest of the survival kit. I have horrible anxiety about the whole thing. I recently lost a different job of three years due to false allegations which I won't get into to. I actually was a functioning user...I think. Anyway whole different story. Needless to say, that added to the depression. Next week I need to look for a job once again and am so worried about interviews and just talking to anyone for that matter, but have decided to "bite the bullet" so to speak. I gave this quitting thing a shot a week ago and was so miserable that I gave in. I know that this is not how I want to see myself 20 years from now. My friends have either passed on, or are in the same boat. My dad is a full blown alcoholic. I'm ashamed to talk to my mom about this and to top it off I am in an abusive relationship. I feel so alone. I need to do this to get better and gain my self esteem back so I can start living my life the way I imagine it to be. I have always struggled with depression and am worried that it will get out of hand. I have made a fool out of myself by calling other family members and friends while so loaded over a six year span that I have shut myself down from them until I can make the sense that I use to. I'm am so grateful to have stumbled upon this forum and wish everyone the best with their detox and recovery. I guess what I would like to know... is if anyone out there has really experienced getting themselves back and if I am being overly scared? It terrifies me to loose all I have known for the past six years. I feel like I'm loosing my best friend. How am I going to function??? Oxy's sure did help me to feel social and fun. They were my self confidence. I fear feeling lost and alone. Also does anyone have a detox story that's not quite so scary? Any advice would be most welcome.
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