I did it!

[pinkgirl73]

Hi MH family!  As anyone who is following my situation knows, I had a perc scrip waiting for me at my doctors office.  I had my husband pick it up for me and he took it to the pharmacy and then brought it home.  We sat at the table and I counted out the pills that I had to give my dad and my hands WERE SHAKING!  I couldn't believe my reaction to just having the pills in my hand.  It was so weird.  Anyway I put his pills in a baggie and I left the rest at my house.  I was gonna dump the rest in the toilet but I didn't want any reason to get into my dad's pills again so I decided to wait til I got home.  I told my husband to stay home cuz my son wasn't home yet and he would have been alone and I drove to my dads.  On the way there I was thinking about last week when I stole my mom's husbands pills.  they live 2 towns away.  I decided to call her and tell her that I stole them and that I had an addiction...just because the anxiety about her finding out on her own that they were missing was really stressing me out lately and also because I wanted to be honest.  She probably would have never noticed cuz he never takes them.  Anyway I told her and she was not mad at me...I told her i'm addicted and she said she'd get rid of them.  It was a one time thing that her husband had them from his broken foot.  I hung up and pulled over and bawled becuz I was so overwhelmed about telling her.  I was so scared she would be mad and tell me I was a theif and not to come around anymore.  She thought I haven't been on these pills anymore since I quit doing them daily in 2012.  Anyway I pulled myself together and went to my dads, gave him his pills and told him not to let me borrow anymore and I told him I wasn't going to get any from my doctor anymore because I am addicted to them and abusing them and I told him that I am telling my doctor that at my apt on the 25th.  He was sad that I am going through this but he is happy I am getting off them.  So then I was driving back home and I was on a long stretch of road in my town that goes back to my house.  It was sunset and u can see the horizon directly above the road.  Suddenly it looked so different to me.  I looked at it a different way than I had ever noticed it before.  It looked like the sky was so much bigger and that there were a whole new world of possibilities up there in front of me...I looked around at all the cars and felt so weirdly connected to everyone.  I haven't felt this way in over a decade.  I recognized it to be hope.  It made me cry and smile.  It was just so odd and I wasn't expecting it.  It was a vague feeling and it only lasted a minute but it was there and I felt it.  Suddenly my world didn't seem so small anymore.  I went home and my husband and I went in the bathroom and I immediately flushed the pills.  It was scary cuz I realized that I have to learn how to deal with my feelings without meds.  I have to "feel" my feelings.  Its a new concept but I feel ready.  I am just taking it as it comes and one day at a time.  I will find a meeting tomoro.  I just wanted u all to know how it went today.  :)

[devisatedandscared]

Wow...i haven't been on here in a few days as I've been moving to my moms, after losing everything due to my addiction...im so proud of you, a cannot put it into words. I hope you continue to succeed and get off the tramadol ...your epiphany you experienced was so dramatic and beautiful...just think of all of the other great things in your life you will actually start seeing as blessings again..i hope to get there too my friend...you've given me a great deal of inspiration <3

[mlynn2014]

And great job!! I've been reading your posts and they have helped me a lot on my journey. It's amazing that you flushed the percs!!! Be proud!!! You are doing great. I can't wait to feel that glimmer of hope!

[mlynn2014]

I'm on my last few days of a taper that I'm hating and ready to jump from but have to make it through work the next couple of days. I've decreased my dosage dramatically and felt that. I'm basically living in withdrawal this week. I'm not asking for a schedule with tapering these last few days or anything but I've got norco 5's I cut in half so I have 16 2.5 doses. I would like to take as little as possible and I'm tossing whatever us left Friday night to kick this weekend. Is it better to take even and smaller doses throughout the day these last couple days? Should I wake up an hour earlier than I have to and take only 2.g to see if that gets me out if withdrawal instead of taking the whole 5mg? Then would I just take 2.5mg only when I really needed to through the next two days? I'm just quite ignorant on this because the last thing I tapered from was oxycontin that was extended release so this is a different ballgame. I'm feeling the taper much more mentally and physically. Last time I was way more comfortable during the taper and didn't even have a hard time stepping off. This time feels a million times worse on a weaker narcotic. Just thought I would vent and ask for some advice too.

[lulu747]

haha the computer let you say badass!  Did it let me say badass?
Yes Pink I would concur.
You took the advice and acted on it.
Good on ya girl.  You are a certifiable badass (:

[Junip]

Congratulations, what monumental steps you took toward your recovery and toward building vacation foundation of support in conjunction with this site!  Great job!!

[pinkgirl73]

thanks jinx:)

[Jinx_777]

absolutely amazing and inspirational.

just think how many people will read this in the years to come and be inspired by you.

great job

[pinkgirl73]

thanks nursegirl and motye!  Its so nice to hear some nice things instead of my usual negative chatter in my head!

[motye51]

I have to agree with everyone above. When i read the post about u going to the pharm to get your script i was like, uh oh :(   It just seemed like a setup for disaster. I was going to write yesterday about just sending your husband to go to pick them up, and thats what u did! Very strong!!! You are a badass! Keep pushing yourself forward b/c honestly, it does get better. Every day seems to get a little bit better and less chaotic! I can honestly say, today, i am clean and happy! U will b there soon.....

[nursegirl6572]

I've been following your posts, and I have to say I'm very impressed.  It's so awesome to see a person actually TAKE the advice that they're given.  You're well on your way to a new life.  Sure, it won't be easy GETTING there, but it will be SO worth it.

You've got a whole lot of beautiful sunsets ahead of you to look at and appreciate.  Keep up the great work!  I'm cheering you on!

[pinkgirl73]

thanks guys. its soooo crazy that I came here for advice on my tramadol taper and I happened to comment on someone else's post about the danger of their weekend parties with street drugs and a few of the girls saw that and called me out.  I wasnt hiding it on purpose.  I just thought it wasnt relevant, which I now realize is completely insane!  Prior to that I really didn't plan on stopping my own parties of percs and booze..  Its crazy the ton of bricks that fell on me that day.  Its just crazy how things happen.  Thank God for the girls seeing that post and thank God for this sight, of which I have actually been coming to for years, but apparently I wasn't ready back then, even though I was in worse condition.  All this time I was waiting for my "bottom"  or for some big epiphany to happen that would make me stop...but it was nothing like that.  It was out of nowhere and it was a beautiful day when I realized the truth about myself and my addiction.  @weaver, I am just going to keep jumping through the window, over and over.

[weaver71]

The day you had a window of clarity, I said jump, don't stare out the window, jump out of it. Well, that is what you did and now you feel hope. That is the sign of a person getting humble and honest in a real way. Way to go, when you tell your doctor, you will feel even more free. Every step brings freedom and progress. We place progress over perfection, ever reminding us to place principles over personalities. I too was shocked at lack of judgment of telling my secret, see, the pills are liars and make us think we will be rejected, but most times we are greeted with acceptance and people are glad we are getting help and want to help. Keep up the good work.

[lulu747]

I am so happy for you and proud of you.  This post brought tears to my eyes and reminded me of why we all do what we do here.  This is the dawn of your new life.  What you saw on the horizon is your bright new future.
Congratulations honey.
You have a long road ahead.  Hang on to these moments of clarity and shore them up with some good aftercare and you are going to be better than okay.
I pinky swear promise.

Lu

[pinkgirl73]

thanks everyone...it means a lot!

[dominosarah]

I am happy you told your secret.  Now the healing can begin.  Please dont put yourself in that type of situation again tho.  Being alone with pills isnt a good thing.

[10356]

Congratulations Pink !! I have been following you and watching you come to grips with your addiction.. I do not know you but I feel so proud for you !! You definitely sound ready to reclaim your life and I really could not be happier for you. Keep doing what you are doing and keep that Positive Attitude it will take you far in turn making the whole process much easier.. I wish you well, lesa

[meegWpaw]

yay!  congratulations!!!!  so very impressed with you and happy for you!

[Ejm7263]

I can relate I've been on the couch for 18 months doing nothing. I have kids, grandkids, a wonderful church but I couldn't get up or get out. Just getting dressed the last 6 days & going to a meeting has been amazing. Hang in there. We're all behind you & walking with you.

[pinkgirl73]

Thanks guys.  Also I desperately need to change my routine at home.  I usually am in my room.  Everyone else is out and about living there lives.  When I got clean from the pills/booze before I purposely staryed out of my room except when I needed to rest my back and at bedtime.  I do have to rest it quite a bit but I don't have to LIVE IN THERE.  So I am going to start doing different things...its going to be weird at first to start trying to LIVE again instead of just existing but i'm just going to try.  Also I am going to start spreading my tramadol out more tomoro.  probably 3 times a day.  That way I wont spike the doses like u guys said.  I have learned so much from everyone here.  I know it will be hard.  Its been hard.  Even today is hard and also the fact that I have to do this tramadol taper is hard...but I am thinking of giving them to my husband just in case.  I haven't had any problems yet but the one day when I was alone and sad cuz he left me alone it did cross my mind to take some extra "just this time" which I luckily decided against.  I am excited to get 30 days clean from the percs/booze cuz I have never gone 30 days before I don't think.

[Ejm7263]

What a great job. Thank GOD. Your amazing!!!
Keep it up. I had to shop a little before I found the right group for me but I have. I went to 2 meetings today because it gives me something to do & keeps my mind off the way I feel. I have literature from NA & AA and I'm reading, gots some women's phone numbers and even called 2 of them. What a blessing this is & I'm so glad for everything you did today. Give yourself a break & feel amazing about what all you accomplished today. Keep us informed, ask for help & hang in there.

[atthebeach]

I am so proud of you. I am so happy for you.
You did so awesome.
Telling your dad and your mom.
Flushing the pills with hubby.
Seeing the world in a different and brighter way.
Going to a meeting tomorrow.
You are going to be fine
Girl you are doing wonderful.
I see such progress in you in a short time.
That is monumental.
Have you spread out your pills through the day?
Keep the faith.
Keep on keeping on.
Sending prayers for continued strength and healing,
Debbie

[vicki595]

Perfect. Very proud of you and you should be pleased as punch with yourself!

You've had quite an epiphany...

[VICourageous]

GREAT JOB..You finally Surrendered again..This time stick to a support group of your choice and keep stepping forward into Recovery..Each Day to Day and Month to Month and Year to Year will get better & better, BUT it takes SO much work. I came clean at the age 56 2 years ago and have been using and drinking for over 40 years off & on..It has been the HARDEST Job in my Life but it has many rewards on the way too! This is why I am so pushy about getting out at a young age or even middle..It just gets harder and harder and we do some damage along the way.
PROUD OF YOU!! Keep it up!! Give it to your God and move forward!
Bless