I feel ashamed, weak and like a failure

[LoveMyKids1]

I have not posted in a while because I gave in to the date of Sept 16th temptation after being 23 days clean. I filled the script of percs, ran through them all already and I am back at square one. I was almost THERE!!! I was feeling like myself, the crying and depression had stopped, the physical withdrawls were over...and I went and fell right into the vicious circle again. I feel like a loser and a failure to my children and of course cannot stop crying. I cannot BELIEVE that I did this!  I had not felt like the normal ME in so long without opiates and it felt so good.  I am in utter disgust w/ myself that I let this drug control me.  I have such a hard time reaching out for support or help with ANYTHING for that matter & I am always that "level headed and in control" person  I don't even know what I am looking for right now. I don't know why I am posting.  I feel like I am wasting peoples time by posting w/ a relapse or whatever u want to call it-when there are strong people here who are TRULY beginning their recovery and have every intent to succeed.  I did also and can't believe I gave in.   I really just feel useless and ashamed and cannot believe I did this.  I appreciate this forum bc there are people here that understand.

[patsfan13]

I have relapsed so many times in the passed year i cant even remember how many times.  And every single time i feel the same way like a failure or like this must just be who i am and i cant do anything about it.  But through this forum ive realized thats not the case we are not failures we just need to get up and do it again.  and remember the feeling after the relapse.  i struggle everyday with not going to get pills but im determined.  i have to do this and so do u!  
GOODLUCK!!!

[worried878]

I feel ur pain.....and it is so easy to do..especially in the first 3 months....support and meetings are so crucial right now....and keeping pills where u can get to them is the culprit to most who think they can...cos u cant...no refills/no pills/no contacts that have pills...it sounds a bit ridiculous to have to go to suck extremes due to a thing we should be able to control...and i am a strong personality...the pills will beat me everytime if i keep them under my nose.....i am not sure that if one day i may could have them around..like a friend's or a family member....getting there maybe...am not going to test it

thing is dont beat urself up...u learned u can not have refills waiting at the pharmacy....dont let ur mind tell u otherwise...those pills will actually sing to u in the middle of the night from the drugstore...U just know they r there...and it is enuf to cause u to fail...do not set urself up for failure....put all the balls in ur court

[SFgirll853]

I am so thankful for your post!  I am a mother of two and pain pill addict with 20 days clean and at least 3 (maybe 4) relapses since April.  I really didnt think I was going to make it through last week but the weekend was better.  I still think about pills every single day.  I have a refill if I want to call it in but have "white knuckled" it through until I see a counselor in Wednesday.  Your post gave me strength NOT to refill today, or this hour.  Just because you relapse does not mean you are a failure.  You are strong because you admit a problem.  You are strong because you came back, and you are strong because you are going to try again.  Thank you for being here and posting!!  xo

[road2recovery]

I don't think anyone would be on this forum if we made it the first time, or second time we tried!....I remember it being the EXACT reason i was looking online for something like this..I could not do it alone..Every time we relapse I think it makes us that much stronger...Because the disgust we feel just builds up , and we Just really have enough...
WE are Powerless at that point....

Everyone gave you some great advice...you have to cut off all refills...I know you can do this...You are by far not a failure, you are the exact opposite, you are getting back on the horse and brush yourself off, and soon this whole cycle that just goes round and round will end...I higher recommend some kind of aftercare..anything you choose, that you feel comfortable..
We are all here for you....and will see you through this He!!.....
GOD BLESS and GOOD LUCK
r2r

[ochooked]

I hope you will read the above posts - -there are at least 10 on here now that are telling you the truth -- so, who are you going to believe??   Use this experience and move on --- you know you can go at least 23 days and maybe next time will be the one where you will make it all the way ----  I would suggest that you go and 'fess' up to your doctors and cut off your source ---- burn that bridge  -----  it will give you strength when you are weak.  Everyone here wishes the best and are here for you.  All the best.

[refusingbondage]

You are so not a failure.  Lots of people relapse.  I relapsed for 9 years!   You can do this.  Please don't beat yourself up.  Just begin again.  Every day is a new day and there is no reason to live in the past.  Move forward and move on.  You've done it before and you have the power to do it again.  Good luck!

[gizzy32]

WOW, look at the support already

[Cupp78]

I am sorry you are having such a rough time.  I know just how you feel.  BUT, you have the chance to start all over.  Learn from this mistake and 23 days from now, make sure and not do it again.  Always remeber how those devil little pills tell you, "It's all right", "Just one time", and you tell yourself "I will be in control this time".  Yeah right.  Once you open the door of addiction for ole slick...he grabs you and takes control.

I would highly recommend going to meetings or seeing a counselor.  You need to have someone to be accountable to.  Also, how did you get the pills.  In order for me to be truely committed to quitting (I am 18 days clean) I had to call ALL of my Drs. and tell them the truth and say, no matter what I call you saying, don't give me that **** anymore!!!  Once I closed that door, and I knew I couldn't get it easily, it felt like a giant weight was lifted from my chest and I knew I would do it this time.  This is the longest I have gone without using in 3 years.  I, like you, tried before and relapsed many times.  I had to forgive myself for those mistakes and move on, and concentrate on this recovery...ONE DAY AT A TIME!!.

You can do it again...you already we well on your way before.  Don't beat yourself up.  Just decide you aren't going to do it again.  I know you can do it!!!  Good luck!!

One is too many and a thousand isn't enough.

[gizzy32]

I remember your post and i said rip up that script, we are powerless against these damn drugs and they make us weak.

Now, you are not a failure, a failure quits. Every emotion in your post is what comes from a relapse, it's so painful and we are harder on ourselves than anyone. You NEED to be here, you need more support now then ever and YOU CAN AND WILL DO THIS. What you need is continued aftercare and a plan on how to stay clean. Get back on your feet, do this again and learn from your mistake. We are here for you and care, so end the pity party and welcome back:) Im proud of you for posting, now give yourself a break and get through this, your better than these pills.

[mtgoat911]

you are not wasting anyones time
your an pain pill addict who took some pain pills
its a natural thing for you to do that
what is unatural is for you to reach out and ask for help
i have tried several ways to kick my addiction, sub. , methadone, suboxone, religion, psychiatry
nothing worked, i was helpless, fighting a loosing battle
i found hope in na, maybe you can find the same help there as i have
read this, shoot me a message, let me know what you think
http://www.basicmeeting.org/basic_text/index.htm
everytime i relasped, it was because i was not placing my recovery first, even after 4 yrs, i fall into this insidious pattern of not doing my 10th step, not reaching out when i should, then i begin pulling away from program people, saying "i can do this all by myself"
thats where it sounds like you are, all by yourself, with no one to pull you out that hole
people in na can help, they have been there and know how to get free from pills

[GoingToMakeIt]

Hang on to your hat and start over again. Learn from this so you can gain strength. These drugs are more powerful than we ever imagined. Be sure to get onto vitamins and supplements. Very important if you want to stay clean.

[VicoMom]

You know what... That anger you are feeling with yourself... The disgust you have for your giving in... Use that to strengthen your resolve.

We as human beings **** up. Plain and simple. Everyone has a crutch of some kind... Some people say they won't eat cake and try to walk twice a week and don't... Some people can't help but speed on the Interstate even though they have had 18 tickets... Some people have a hard time with being faithful to a spouse... Some people lie just because it feels good... Some people promise they are going to clean out that hall closet that is a disaster and don't... We are prone to screwing up...

You are not wasting anyone's time by posting. Imagine, someone just like you, who obviously cares a great deal about their children and wants a better life, being at their 23rd day and considering using... And they read your post and change their mind...

So - now you know that after or around 23 days you felt like YOU. It is possible. It is there. You know that. There are no uncertainties this time. You don't face the question of, "Will I ever feel like ME again?"

Here ya go... Day 1. You have it in you. You have already proven that... Try for 24 this time... Then once that day ends... Push it to 25... and so on.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.

[Clamity2]

Hey so you found out you really are an addict. Like I said, if I had a script on a shelf and didnt tell anyone involved in giving them to me I would certainly go get them and eat them.  It's O.K  you can't do anything about 1 minute ago. But we control our future. Everyone (almost) uses again. You found out, as many of us did that using doesnt' fix anything.  I'm glad you are here.,  You know it gets better.  Now can you call your dr. and tell him or her what you are doing and NOT to give  you any more opiates?

[dominosarah]

You are not wasting anyones time here.  Most have relapsed before.  The important thing is you are back here and posting again.  Dont be so hard on yourself.  Just pull up your britches and get back on track.  Sometimes we have to learn the hard way.  Now get back on here and keep posting.  You didnt dissapoint any of us.  We are here for you so lean on us.   Stay strong        sara