I hate myself

[elefrog42]

Hi all,
I've been gone for a while due to school and work......I had quit tramadols a month back, but I'm an idiot and that didn't last long and I started up again and I hate myself.  I just don't know what to do!  Everytime I quit (don't even wanna tell you how many times by now) I find myself really tired and needing to do more work, and I start up with the pills again.  Maybe I really just need to quit school...or work?  I work all night sometimes, so those stupid pills are the only thing that would keep me going through the day on less than 2 hours of sleep.  And I'm just making excuses and don't know what to do.  I told my husband everything.....and he's hid the remainder of the pills.  Will w/d be really bad this time around?  I'd started up using again and I was using for less than two weeks (prob 1week and half), no more than 150mg a day.  Yesterday I took none, should I just keep going with this?  The problem is I have final exams this week and I don't want to do anything but sleep (I have to do well in school bc I'm on scholarships....if I don't do well, they go away).
I know I really just need counseling or something, but my insurance only covers the school doctor.  When I went to them with this and told them everything, all they did was hand me a script for lexapro....which I took once and was sick all night.  I just don't know where to turn.  I know I can probably quit these pills again, but I also know I can't stay clean.  And I have to be very careful to keep this problem a secret.....in my profession, I could easily be kicked out of school if someone found out.  And I live in a small town.
I'm sorry for the long ramble.  I just feel like such a failure.  Any advice would be really appreciated.

[worried878]

I think the need to superhumans often draws our attention to the pills...for me anyway....so I can go and go...get everything done I need to do plus more...I have been off hydrocodone for a month...vitamins, exercise, NA, posting daily on this forum have helped the most...also i do not try to do as much anymore and avoid un-necessary stress right now...I have a busy life as well...I work hard...my social life is slowed down right now but have spent more time with my family than ever...it is just choices I guess...and a will to stay clean...I am not all the way there I know...only 30 something days...keep posting

[dove3053]

You don't hate yourself, just some of the things you have done. That makes you human.
It sounds like you have alot on your plate with school and work. Maybe it's a good idea to try to  do a little less and that may help in any stress your going thru.

Good Luck,
Dove

[jenny8575309]

When I first started going to NA, I was intrigued by the look of hope and serenity I saw on the faces of other addicts.  I remember being so glad that I was going to do something about my problem finally, (Me) and that these people that genuninly cared were going to help me do it.  I've tried counseling before, but it was too impersonal for me, I couldn't really let it get past my head that they were getting paid to care about me, and that they weren't really my friends.  I'm so so grateful that I found NA.  Please don't beat yourself up.  Addiction is a hard monstor to combat.  Your not perfect, your a human being that's having a hard time right now.  Hating yourself will only make matters worse, and make it easier to use, because when you hate yourself, and your beating yourself up, it's hard to care about the future or see any hope at all.  Your life can be beautiful without drugs.  I am a living proof.  My life isn't perfect, and sometimes it's very frustrating, but today I can count on somthing other than my f'd up self  to help me through it.    best of luck to you!

[elefrog42]

I just realized the title of this post was stupid, but I was really beside myself this morning.  Have any of you ever joined NA?  I've gotten to the point where I know quitting the pills won't be that big of a problem....staying off them is another story.  I just feel pulled in every direction and I don't know what to do any more.  For those of you who've been successful at staying off the pill, what worked for you?  NA?  antidepressants?  Thanks for all the advice.  I really just needed someone to talk to.

[Chi_Chi_Lover]

You quit the pills but you have a lot stacked against you. I'm not giving you a way out but school, work, husband, scholarship and past relapse is a lot. You have to pick the right time and do some soul searching within yourself. Do you have spring break or the summer off from school and finals so that you can take at least a few days to get through the WDs? Some say the WDs are worse each time you go through them. I don't know about that because you will know what to expect this time. You also need to get plugged into a group and stick with it till you have months or more between you and the pills.
Here to help

Chi Chi

[gizzy32]

you can quit these pills again and you can stay clean, but you need aftercare or something. quitting is easy, staying clean is hard. have you thought about N/A meetings? like you said, seeing a counsellor will help. remember, you are not a failure, i relapsed so many times i couldn;t tell you, but you can't give up. im not sure how w/d's will be now, but you can do this, you just have to want it bad enough. don't let the guilt get to you, this is how addiction feeds itself. you can do this.

[GoingToMakeIt]

NA is free. Energy takes a long time to come back. Look into Low dose Naltrexene therapy. (google it)