I hate myself!

[feelinbad42]

Hi, I need some advice/help.  I have been addicted to hydrocodone/oxycodone for about 1 1/2 years now.  I do not have a prescription (except for the occasional one I can get from a doc with fake symptoms).  I have been stealing them from my ex-husband and my mom.  My mom gets 180 hydrocodone with ibuprofen a month and she doesn't use them all!  I know when my parents are gone and I go and take a handful and they have never noticed.  They are in FL right now and my mom asked me to go the pharmacist and pick up her February prescription of hydrocodone.  I of course was happy to do so.  I started off thinking I'll just take a few, now I have almost gone through the whole bottle and they are going to be home next week!!!!  I hate myself for doing this and I don't want my parents to find out.  I want TO GET OFF THE ****.  It's a horrible cycle.  You don't want it, but you have to have it.  I can't stand the sleeplessness and restless legs at nite when I stop taking it.  My husband doesn't know about any of this, no one does, and I can't keep it inside anymore.  I am crying as I write this.  I hate the fact I am powerless over this drug and that I am reduced to stealing from my mom whom I love.  Ihave toyed with telling my husband, coming clean with him and seeing if he can help me.  I don't want to go to a treatment center and have that on my health history, then have my insurance go up, maybe get in trouble because I have been stealing them.  Is there anyone out there that is in the same boat or has been?  What did you do?  Please someone talk to me so I don't feel so alone.  Thanks!

[firefish]

Actually both the wife and the doc were not only understanding, they both regretted not "seeing this coming."  

I can only imagine what you are going through.  But try to keep things in perspective.  You are afraid they'll be mad, that they will be disapppointed in you.  Well, yes, that's a distinct possibility.  But for sure, every day that you keep this from them is letting them down.  It just makes your hole a little deeper.  If they do react with anger or disappointment, they'll get over it.  You are you, and they love you, good or bad.  

Y'kniw, I just build airplanes for a living.  I'm not a counselor or a doctor, so I can't give you good advice on what to do.  All I can do is relate what happened to me.  You are not alone, you are loved, and you need help.  Take it.  Get some help.  We can offer words and advice on this forum but unless they've wired your brain to the internet, you'll need some other source of assistance and guidance.  

But please do stay in touch.  We're here.

[feelinbad42]

Hi Craig, I've been better.  Still think life *****.  I tried to do some things I enjoy this weekend, like scrapbooking.  Just can't get over the worry about everything, my parents finding out, etc.  I have to work this week and I'm going to feel like ****, don't know how I will get thru it.  I can't call in sick because I was sick 2 weeks ago with the real flu and missed an entire week of work, which I don't get paid for.  Oh well, when times get tough I try to think it could be worse.  My ex-husband (we are still friends) has terminal cancer in his bones and suffers excruciating pain everyday.  There's not a day goes by for the rest of his short life he won't suffer.  How horrible.  
Keep writing to me , I check my mail during the week.  Thanks for the support,
Amy
P.S. How is detox going for u?

[feelinbad42]

I am very happy for you firefish, I wish it were me three months clean, and I know it can be.  So what did your wife say when you came clean, and your doctor?  Wow, that's pretty brave I must say.  Thanks for the words of support, it really does help.

[firefish]

Yep, been there, done that.  Coming clean with my wife and my doctor was the hard part compared to the withdrawals, but it was also very cathartic.  I never understood the saying "The Truth shall set you free" until then.  

You need to make a decision regarding your parents too.  Don't forget they love you and will want to help you.  

But as just about everyone has said on this forum, you've taken the first couple of steps.  This is something you can do.  Heck, I did it!  Three months clean.

[ToWonderWhat]

Hey girl how you doing today?  Yeah we all wish we could turn back time. But we can only move forward. This is a new you coming out and your on a mission. plz keep posting :)   ..... Craig

[feelinbad42]

Thanks for the pep talk, Craig!    I think this is the hardest thing I have had to do in my 42 years of life.  I wish I could turn back the clock to the first day I tried my first hydro and NOT DO IT!!  I wish you all the luck in the world on getting clean.  Be strong...

[ToWonderWhat]

Wow talk about hitting close to home. I went through the exact thing with my parents. They vacation in Florida every year and of course being an addict im always needing to borrow money from them from time to time. So before mom leaves she would always stash some money for me in case i ran short. Well while lookin for the money what did i find? Yup a bottle of vics. Man a was so nervous but couldnt stop myself, id take 5 or so thinkin they wont notice it, then go back get 5 more before i knew it half the bottle was gone and of course the money... so i was stuck with feeling sooo low and guilty and broke. Thats when i knew it had to stop. I borrowed money AGAIN and bought the exact kind of vic's that i took and replaced probably more then i took, didnt take any pills home with me and havent looked back. WHEW it felt good. still ashamed i did it but told myself never again and now im 2 days into detox, Im gonna get clean and bust my azz pay back all debts and never get into that situation again. I know you feel helpless and like a chitty daughter, pills will do you like that, but u can change and not let these pills control you anymore. As an addict you can always hustle a way to get your next fix so instead hustle to get them pills back and start to get the real  you back, Its not easy but vary well do-able. I wish you luck and God speed to a new You :)  .... Craig

[feelinbad42]

Wow, what a great response, thanks to all of you so far.  It feels a little better to know there is a place to be able to talk to people.  Damn, I'm crying again and I just did my makeup!  LISCAMDAVE, I was taking about 20 mg a day, but in the last couple weeks I have been taking about 50 to 60 mg a day.  I tried to set aside like three for day one, two for day two, one for day three, etc.,to wean myself off, but I get stressed out over something and my addict brain says, hey, it will be all right, just take some and worry about it later, let's feel good.  What a nightmare.  Plus the fact I have to figure out how to refill my mom's bottle so she doesn't know what I've done.  I don't want to disappoint her.  I come from a family of addicts on my dad's side.  He has been an alcoholic since I can remember, every picture I have of my dad he has a beer in his hand!  I have tried to quit before and I did a year ago, but started up again.  My RLS lasts a good five days and the sweating and fatigue, not feeling like doing anything, not even my scrapbooking.   If you saw me you would never guess I was an addict.  I am a professional woman, attractive, two good kids, nice house, 2 dogs.... just goes to show I guess you can't judge a book by its cover.  Please continue to talk to me, I will check here often.  I know I can do this and I will, I just need support.  Thanks for listening and responding.  

[cathy5841]

glad you came to the forum for help.  sounds like you are really ready to do this.  i agree with lisa, if your hubby will support you then tell him.  if not you can get through this alone, its just a little more difficult.  check out the health pages to the right and get the thomas recipe and the aminos.   you will feel like you have the flu for about a week and then things slowly turn around....keep posting.

[liscamdave]

Welcome to the forum. You will see that many here have been in your situation. Don't hate yourself...we have all been there and the important thing is you are here and you want to stop. That is the first step. I think that if you feel your husband would support you, by all means, tell him. I had no support and it was harder. You can get through this. How many are you taking a day?

[bucksfan]

Well you have already started step 1 by posting here. The next step is to cleanse your system. You sound like you are ready to quit and that is the most important part. You need to want it like you wanted that pill at one point. The WD's vary from person to person. My RLS lasted 2-3 nights. Theere is something called the Thomas Recipe at the bottom right of this page. I have never used it but please take a glance. The key for me was IBprofin for aches,hot showers,excersize,vitamins,activities you didnt do while on pills is important in my current recovery to keep cravings away. Listen to good music, I kept playing a song over and over that basically is about not looking at what you dont have but look at what you have. Love life.