I have never felt this way...

[LoveMyKids1]

I posted a few weeks ago about a long term hydro addiction I have- just going to give a brief recap- decided to go for inpatient detox treatment and came out on a suboxone maintenance program.  Before treatment I was taking 30-50 vikes per day (or norco, lortab etc. didnt matter).  I got out of the center on 7/14 and stopped taking the sub last Tues 8/4.  Took 15 vikes over the last 5days (approx 3per day-which is a normal dose for a normal person) Bc the back pain just got unbareable.  And to my surprise, I truly feel something "different".  I knew I was taking a risk by taking those vikes but, it felt so good not to care about how many pills I had, or feeling in such a horrible fog like the dangerously large doses I was taking did.  Today, I was expecting to be in HORRIBLE w/d's, because thats all I have ever known but surprisingly.... I have felt very calm and somewhat "at peace" today.  I know what I did is not recommended and in NO WAY am I saying I am "cured" whatsoever- but I just have to say that it felt really good to FEEL today... just plain FEEL happiness, sadness, joy, pain- rather than not caring about how I felt.  I was able to laugh at and with my kids today like I have not been able to do in a very long time.....   This almost scares me.
Do you think I should have been in w/d's? Or do you think they are yet to come? I know sub has a very long half life, 3days or so... and this was the first time ever being on it.  I dont feel sad... no crying.... and the air actually smells differently.  I think I am trying to sabotage these feelings by worrying about when the w/d's are going to come  when, they most likely are not.  I dont know, just very confused but I feel good.  I did go through some horrible w/d's the first day in detox but the sub got me thru them.  Again, let me say again, that I am not screaming I'M CURED, I'M CURED!...I know I am an addict and that everyday is a battle for me and my aftercare plan is what is going to get me thru but... just wanted to say that I feel good... and it half way frieghtens me, as crazy as that sounds.

[mom_of_two136]

You say you will probably be on some type of narcotics for awhile because of your pain issues. I too have chronic pain and found that a small piece of suboxone helps. I would just worry if taking narcotics because of the tolerance issue (having to take more over time). I do not have that problem with suboxone. Actually, I find that smaller amounts of suboxone helpls me more with my pain. This may be just me b/c I know suboxone does not help some with pain. I just know personally I would rather take suboxone that go back to narcotics. Just a thought. I really hope everything works out for you. Best Wishes

[corey411]

Sorry if we misunderstood or hurt you. We are an addiction forum and  out thinking and goals are no narcotics. Many on here have pain issues and chose to not take opiates. That is something only you can decide for yourself. We do not judge people who take meds for pain but that is not what this forum is about. There is a pain management forum that would be more appropriate for you as they understand what you are going through better than us. Please dont take offense. I'm just not sure why you posted. I thought you wanted to quit. Respectfully, Corey

[LoveMyKids1]

Wow.... I think I was totally misunderstood.  I see one person jumps on one part of the post and runs with it and then everyone follows.  I have generally LOVED this forum and use it frequently as well as recommend it to others. Let me clear some things up-
*I am seeing a counselor as well as a phsychatrist
*I attend my NA/AA meetings 3x per week.
*The point of my post was to say how thankful I was to actually "feel" again.
*With my aftercare plan in addition to disc problems I have with my back I will be on some type of opiate for the rest of my life- I have had stomach surgery and will never be able to take any type of Motrin, IB Profin, anti-inflammatory etc...
*My husband who I trust and is wonderful at supporting me is dispensing them to me as they are prescribed by my Dr.

To: Ella.... please continue reading as you will see, part of addiction is listening to people stories and in your own mind "comparing" yours to others however, you will realize quickly that just bc you only take 7 or 8 of your DOC, doesnt make your addiction any better or worse.

I think any addict who faces the issue of having a health problem that requires them to remain on a narcotic has this internal battle.  I am just thankful that I did voluntarily choose to go to inpatient detox, go on Sub and work on my after plan.  

[corey411]

Do you have a plan for dealing with your back pain in the future.....moist heat, ibuprofin? When you first come off of opiates your pain is exacerbated for awhile. Stop taking the opiates. You will be back to square 1 so fast you won't believe it.

[salsinator]

I agree with Ga Guy, I think that you are playing with fire.  Since you completed a detox and have been on suboxone, your tollerance for the vicodin is probably much lower.  The combination of the long acting suboxone with vicodin on top is probably why you have not experienced withdrawal yet.  Being clean and staying clean does make you feel and experience the simple things in life like you have never before.  I can't advise you on what you should do if you are in pain, suboxone is an opiate and can help with some pain releif, but going back to your drug of choice is very dangerous.

[Ella789]

My family thought it was just horrible that I was taking the 6 little 7.5mg norco  !!!!!!!!   It made me feel so bad!!  Even tho that was my prescribed dosage per day!  Comming to this site has been a real eyefull for me.  How can a person actualy live for very long taking such large amts.(20-30 of anything!)  My pm dr. gave me all kinds of heck if I went over 6 a day.  I was thinking,what an awful person I was for taking 7 or 8 !!!  
Doesn't all the internal plumbing shut down from such high usage!!?
Wow....

[avisg]

The guys have it pretty much nailed .You don't control it ,it controls you .If you are not doing a recovery plan make sure you do.If you are in one let them know about your usage .Could you still go threw subWD you may .Some members have gone a week before they felt sub WDs. As soon as you stopped the sub you took hydro maybe not 30 but you still started taking your DOC again perhaps you should take the sub for a longer period of time .Sub is far safer then 30 hydros a day .

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

At least you know that you are not "cured'.  But do you know how much you are flirting with disaster?  30-50 vikes is a life and death matter. Maybe not this second. But sooner rather than later. And now you are trying to rationalize within yourself that you may be able to handle what a "normal" person would take. A normal person could never understand a person taking 50 of a narcotic. I do, but thats different. Thats why I am here. With any luck you will live long enough to understand the true nature of what you are trying to deal with. And until then you better try an NA/AA meeting or get a really good counselor.

[GA Guy]

If you're an addict and able to control your using then you're the absolute first one I've ever met or heard of. I honestly think you're playing with fire. Good luck to you.