I haven't been to this board in a while...

[Jen777]

I used to come here all the time about year and a half ago when I was heavily addicted to oxy. Some of you may remember me, some not. I was with my husband and he was prescribed major pain meds for neck pain (Dystonia) and he was giving them to me. I rode that roller coaster for about 4 years trying to quit on and off until I said I cant do this anymore. My husband was on board 100% when I decided to quit for good (he was still on them because they are medically prescribed). I checked myself into detox and was there 5 days. When I got out of detox I went back home and was finding that I had no coping skills with being off of drugs and I was freaking out and thinking about going back on them. Instead of that I checked myself into a 30 day inpatient rehab. I was a complete wreck when I checked in! The whole time I was in rehab (which actually was only a few miles from my and my husbands home) he was completely non supportive telling me I was on a vacation while he had to take care of the home and our daughter. Every time I was able to talk to him on the phone he was arguing with me and acting jealous. While in rehab I got to visit home every Sunday from 12 to 6 pm and I found that I was constantly staring into my husbands eyes (which were pinned from the drugs he was still on) and did nothing but think about how good it felt being on pills. I worked on this in rehab with my counselor and I made peace about it.

So, it was finally time to go home.....I was looking great, feeling great....I was voted most improved in rehab and I was ready to take on life and live my life off of drugs! I go home to my husband and daughter and I am full of energy and feeling great that I can now be an awesome mom and wife. Oh no....this is not what happened....I found that I went home to a controlling husband who said he didn't know me anymore, got jealous every time I wanted to go to a meeting, was negative to me and about life all the time (he was and is still on pills). I took this as long as I could and I told him to stop being so negative and be happy that we can be a normal functioning family again....instead of that he tried giving me his pills again! I took the biggest step of my life and left him....I was with this man 14 years....it was the hardest thing in my life but I wasn't about to let him take me down that miserable path again!!!

Sorry this is so long! So 3 months after I left him he already moved in with another woman, every time I talk to him he calls me a crack head or some other sort of name, he has called social services on me for no reason, he keeps telling everyone in my small town that I am still on drugs (he still abuses his "medically prescribed" pills). He has taken me to court numerous times for custody and divorce issues, he wont even have a conversation with me when his new girlfriend is around but he will go out of his way to try and talk to me when she isn't around, he is telling my daughter all sorts of things that she repeats to me on the phone, he won't even look me in my eyes when I see him and the sad thing is.....it's been a year since I left him and this still is going on! I have been out of rehab since May 20, 2011 and I have never looked back and have been clean since!

So I guess my question is....why is he still doing all of this to me? I have been going to drug counseling and I am doing really really well. I have been working on "why is he still doing this to me question" but I was wondering maybe some of you have had a similar experience and can tell me? Is he going to be like this to me the rest of my life that I have to deal with him (we have a daughter together)? Why isnt he controlling his new girlfriend and just leave me alone? I have tried everything with him....being nice, being a jerk, ignoring him....he is a different person every time I have to deal with him! Some days he will be nice, the next time he will snatch the phone out of my daughters hand and call me a crack head in front of her and other days he will just act like I don't exist! What can I do?

[Bearclaw2]

With your husband it is his shame. Addicts are ashamed of their behavior but can shove it deep down inside them. It was easier for him when you were an addict also. Now you are clean, the type of person he wished he could be. When he sees you living a clean healthy life it's a severe threat to him & his addiction. It brings his self shame right to the surface seeing you clean, a place he wishes he was. He handles this shame by beating you down, you see his ego is attempting to feel like a better person than you by degrading you, however it is shallow and fake and won't work for him. The longer you are clean, the better life you live, the worse he will become. Your clean healthy life is like holding a mirror in front of him and seeing his ugliness reflected back. You are now living in the light, he's still in darkness, he doesn't like seeing your light because it shows his darkness. To his darkness, your living in the light is like a cross being held up to a demon or dracula. You being clean shoves his addiction right in his face. Now you know why he wants you on pills & why he treats you horrible. Dealing with this craziness is tough, but understanding why it is happening makes it a lot easier. You might even try having a little fun with it, or test this theory by telling him your back on pills and watch his delight. This will verify to you he hates your sobriety. Tell him you were just kidding about being back on pills and watch him writh in pain and attack you again. You could do this several times and it will likely make him stop because he will be found out and called on his game, they hate that and will often back off. Another test is to tell him he is just angry because you are clean, if he becomes furious then you'll know it's true. He does not hate you, he hates your sobriety and you can bank on that. Also, the reason he won't look you in the eye is because of his shame. That is a very telling sign...  

[dominosarah]

Congrats Jen on your clean time!!  I am so happy you are moving forward!

As for your him...You have taken back the control of your life, now take back your control with this relationship.  You dont have to listen to his rants.  You have a child together and this is what the focus should be on.  It doesnt matter what was done in the past, who's fault anything is etc.  Does he have visitation?  If he is saying harmful things to your child i would seriously look at his rights as a parent.  Maybe supervised visits?

[IBKleen]

First off, congratulations on your clean time. I know getting a divorce was a huge step but you did what you had to for you and your daughter and you took control of your life back. That is wonderful!

As far your husband..he is very sick. Medically prescribed or not, he is using. It is so much easier to point the finger at some one else then it is to take responsibility and that is exactly what he is doing. If he focuses on you then he doesn't have to focus on himself. And somewhere deep inside he is jealous. I remember feeling like he did when I first got clean and relapsed. I blamed everyone around me but I did not take responsibility. He may never get it hun, who knows. I do know that you can't fix him and all you can do is go forward.

Best of luck to you. It is good to see you here.