I need advice... My boyfriend goes to the clinic for methadone.....

[Rachaelann86]

My boyfriend and I have only been together for 3 months, and I didn't know he was going to the methadone clinic until about a month and a half into the relationship because he thought I would leave him. I don't know what his dosage is, but he goes every day. He spends $400 a month at the clinic. Falls asleep a lot, has gotten into car accidents, where he "slid off the road". Calls himself an alcoholic and drinks quite a bit. It's gotten to the point where he blows through so much money on god knows what that we're about to not make our rent. I've never had a drug problem. So I don't know what to do. He says he wants to stop taking methadone, but he doesn't want to stop going. He could go every other day, (he's done it before) but he doesn't. He just recently got laid off and pays child support, and the clinic being $400 a month, I'm not sure what to do anymore. He says he doesn't want to stop going as much and go through withdraws because he can't have that on top of all the stress about the bills.... But going half as much, would save $200 a month. Now that we have our own place - & I'm supportive you would think he would want to try to get off the methadone. I feel like maybe he's making excuses. I don't know how to speak to him about it without him thinking I'm attacking him. His ex of 9 years left him partly because of the pill/methadone addiction... And I don't know what to do now either. He knows I'm patient, and I want him to wean himself of methadone the "healthy" way....so I feel like that's an excuse to keep going everyday. Like I said I don't know what his dosage is... But I feel like we need to talk about it soon, I just don't know how to make it a positive conversation and not make him feel like I'm setting an ultimatium. Like "if you won't stop next week I'm leaving you" I know you can't stop taking methadone like that. I just really need help with this situation. I'm lost.

[Shakira36]

I am going through something similar. I'm 36 with a 12 year old. I own a home and I'm very responsible with my money. My boy friends a roofer and I don't see his money. I said just give me 150 a week to help me out in hopes to guide him better. He was on 100 mgs. I found a bottle and freaked out on him. No wonder why he's nodding out and so relaxed. Since I saw that bottle he's gotten down to 70 mgs. We can't even have a relaxing night and have a couple drinks because he gets completely smashed. It makes no sense. I'm familiar with drugs and feel like he's lying. I also think he's abusing methadone. His plan is to detox this winter when he's laid off.. I love him but he can't even save his money which has effected me financially. He spends 125 on gas a week just to go to the clinic and to work and back home. He's really sweet to me but I think being on methadone contributes to his good moods. He also smokes and buys scratch tickets so when he gets paid his money's gone very quickly. I'm just really upset because he keeps saying thing will get better. I helped him get his license back and a car, but what does he do for me other than love me. My daughter feels like he doesn't even make time for her which is true because when he's not working he's so tired. He says he wants to marry me, but sometimes I feel like I'm his crutch or mommy. I can feel his love a lot but a part of me is holding back in fear that he will just hurt me like everyone else. I want to go to couples therapy. I want to help him.. When he sees me upset he says he can't wait til he's off it. But inside I don't know if that's what he really wants. Once he's off methadone I'm scared he'll go back to Percs or heroine.. This is the scariest feeling in the world in terms of relationships.:( our weekends are great when he's not working we watch movies and spend quality time together but every morning he's at that clinic at 5:30 am.. I just want a normal relationship.

[weaver71]

Really think about what nursegirl posted. My mother enabled my father for many years, and I was the one who was hurt the most. My father never changed, he still passes out half way to the house from his truck. We used to put him in bed, but then he never knew he even fell down in the yard. He was able to continue to do exactly the same things, and we picked up the mess. You can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink. It may take some drastic measures to convince him he needs to get it together, be ready to do whatever it takes. I'm not saying give up at any point, though avoid being drug through the mud with him. Like I shared above, I had to feel all alone in my addiction and almost die a few times to realize how bad of shape I was in. I hope he's not as stubborn as I am, but addiction is very intense for all those in or around it. Definitely keep your money separate and form some accountability for him and security for you. You are welcome to come and ask for advice or encouragement here, but if you read the doctor's opinion through chapter 3 of the Big Book of AA or NA, you will get a more clear idea of the nature of addiction. Alanon could be an amazing source of info and encouragement from families who have been through what you are going through. Just like us addicts need each other to recover, the addicts loved ones need each other in their recovery. My wife had formed a lot of responses to my addiction and she kept treating me the same, even though I was changing. You have likely formed some unconscious responses to your situation and those things need to be addressed to prevent the two of you from going around in circles. I believe that every addict has the potential to put their disease in remission and be an amazing, wonderful person. I also know that much of the worlds potential is lost forever in this disease that can only be described as a form of insanity. I hope he chooses life. So was he unwilling to come and chat with us? What's the next opportunity you are going to present to him?

[ricart70]

You don't nod out and wreck cars when you are not high.Just really try and be objective here.We know this guy -we are this guy. Keep letting us know what He is saying and when He says something that indicates He truly is interested in recovering we will let you know.We have not heard a single thing so far that indicates anything other than deception and the desire to maintain the status quo.   Sorry to be blunt but He is really at risk here and there really is not much time to wait around. Sorry you are having to go through all of this.

[nursegirl6572]

"Thank you very much for your imput..I've talked to his sister about it & as a family we're going to so whatever we have to with love to help my boyfriend. He needs to be happy again... And helping him if he wants it, we will never leave him to deal with his addiction alone. I will do all I can ."

Sweetie, just be VERY careful.  There's a fine line between supporting someone in their recovery, and enabling and being codependent, which nly helps an addict continue being an addict..  I think it would do you a world of good to seek out some alanon and/or naranon meetings, where you can learn more about the loved one's role in addiction...and maybe even some private therapy.

You have to understand that you cannot "love" someone well.  All of the love in the world will not make him want to get clean and sober.  HE has to want it, and HE has to do the work.  

He's already been manipulating you and taking advantage of you, so be very careful here.  Once you learn more about enabling, you will learn the things not to do.  For starters, you shouldn't give him money.  If you're paying for his methadone treatment, then you pay the clinic directly.  

Very best of luck to you, I hope your BF gets well.  Let us know how he's doing!

[Rachaelann86]

Thank you very much for your imput..I've talked to his sister about it & as a family we're going to so whatever we have to with love to help my boyfriend. He needs to be happy again... And helping him if he wants it, we will never leave him to deal with his addiction alone. I will do all I can .. Hopefully he'll realize that& want to start tapering his methadone. I can understand the addiction, he says it doesn't even get him high...he knows he'll be sicker than a dog when he stops taking it. Like he almost feels like tapering will make him feel awful..I don't know if he's scared of the unknown and being sick or how he'll actually feel sober and completely clean. Thanks you guys for all the advice.

[weaver71]

I think he is taking more than his clinic dose. If you take a steady dose over time, he should not be knodding out at the wheel. The alcohol makes it even worse. That's a recipe for respiratory arrest, I know, I've done it a few times. It sounds like he doesn't want to do anything, he doesn't want to talk about it, and is simply trying to put you at ease for a little while longer. He knows the cost of what he is doing. He's lost his last relationship from the exact situation, which hasn't changed in 9 years. I would never tell anyone to divorce or breakup, but sometimes time and space is a good motivator for the lonely addict. My wife stopped helping me. She didn't leave me, but she stopped doing anything for me, including CPR. I am so glad she did that. We are a happy family going in a positive direction now. I agree that an ultimatum is not a good idea, but there's nothing wrong with taking action and expecting your partner to meet you have way. Threats are more harmful than helpful, but action speaks very loudly. Being firm right now could very well be the thing that saves his life. You, he, or the two of you need to take some form of action. You deserve to feel free and so does he, but the act of going to the clinic, keeping secrets, and continuing on the current path aren't going to get you there. Einstein's definition of insanity: Trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results. See if he will come and talk with us. That would be an action that shows you that he's willing to try. I'm sorry for your situation, I pray you both find peace soon.

[ricart70]

It pretty much sounds to me like He has already taken for granted that you are going to put up with this. I am sure He thinks he's worth it,as opiates inflate our sense of self worth as well as decreasing our ability to pull our own weight or care about anyone else or what kind of stress we are putting them through.When we are using we tend to think we deserve alot more breaks than we actually do deserve.

[clean_in_ks]

His unwillingness to talk to you and his defensive behavior is your answer.
You've only been with him 3 months....addicts ONLY get clean and WORK on a life of recovery when THEY want to..

Here's a dittie I'll pass on that has helped me A LOT:

"At some point, you'll have to realize that some people can stay in your
heart......but NOT in your life."

[Rachaelann86]

He's going to the methadone clinic because he was taking pills. He isn't tapering his doses, makes me think he doesn't want to quit taking it. I tried asking him his dose and he said it doesn't matter and he got defensive. I'm not sure what to do.

[VICourageous]

Hi I just wanted to give some Support here..I did go c/t from the methadone and 2 other meds..Not a Good Idea..Like gnarley said..The Slower the Better..I did stop drinking because of the mix with the meds is very dangerous..Why is he going to a Methadone Clinic in the First place??They usually do this to help you come off of another drug..From my experience if it is for pain management that can be done by a regular Dr...I did not notice you said any thing of why he is on the Methadone..Maybe if we knew this then we can see where it is going..He is the only one that can make this choice of wanting to get his life back..Does he want to quit all of this???You said that "He wants to stop the methadone but does not want to stop going" That is a big issue there..If he wants help or support he should sign on here..We have a lot of experience people here that have walked in those shoes more then once and for many, many Years..Keep in touch and let us know whats up..OK

[atthebeach]

if he is falling asleep "nodding" , getting into car accidents, he is at too high of a dose. if he got laid off it sounds as if you will be funding his methadone. this is a bad spot for you do be in. he needs to be honest with you. if he gets defensive or argumentative when you want to talk to him about it that isn't a good sign. drinking on top  of the methadone isn't good, that only makes him higher and they are both respiratory depressants, the combination is dangerous.
I would seriously consider your living together. if he has no income, has to pay child support, is on methadone and drinks.
check into alanon meetings for support of loved ones, you will get an education on addiction there.
Debbie

[ricart70]

It sounds to me like you have taken on quite a project guy here.
If you start to realize the fact that you are banging your head into the wall and making no progress,that the best thing you can do for you and for him is to leave and cut your losses.It sounds like right now you are going to be footing the bill so he can continue his addiction.The main thing that strikes me about him is he is drinking along with the daily visit to get opiate in his system.This does not indicate someone trying to get their life together and getting your life together is what the methadone program is supposed to be for. Sorry to be blunt but just wanted to let you know what I see here.

[Rachaelann86]

Thank you for the information. His sister knows more information about him being on the methadone (time frame) and stuff like that. My guess is that he's been going to the clinic for awhile now.. Possibly a couple years. Maybe without even lowering his dose. I have to get more information. I just don't know if he truly wants to stop taking it or not. It scares me...I want him to be healthy. Plus we can't afford the $400 a month for the clinic.

[gnarly_1]

Hi   I was a methadone addict for 7 1/2 yrs  it is tuff coming off the stuff but it can be done   its hard to say how long without knowing is dose but once you do let us know   most people come off in about a yrs time  they will only move you down slowly at the clinic  we are not aloud to give info on tapering here on the forum but we can speek breifly about it  slow is good  I know thats not what you want to here but trying to break loos at a high dose is just crul  methadone is probably the hardest of all narcotics to kick  but with some perservince it can be done  keep posting for support  one thing  he has got to want it bad to have anny hope of getting clean
good luck and God bless.............Gnarly