I need help and strength

[Perkymom]

I'm a single mom of two and severly hurt my back 4 years ago. I was prescribed percocet 5/315. My pain went away, I felt happy, I could do anything. I would go a long time without any bit casually mention them to the dr when I did go and have a happy week. Then it got bad, I was going from dr to dr and they were going them to me, still are but now the pharmacies have a flag system and I can't keep going. I really want to quit but I can't take the pain and the anxiety. I want to give in, try a taper or something but never get enough to do that. My mind won't shut up it's driving me nuts. I'm only 33 hrs in to this he'll and I wish I had a "guy" I could go to. I even googled where do you go and how do you find strangers that have your doc??!! Pathetic I know but I need this to stop even if just for a little while. Someone once said to try and to fail is still a step forward to stop trying altogether is when you really fail :(

[jethro733]

I really don't think you'll be able to taper with that many.  Also, tapering is horrible anyway with a withdrawal at the end of it still.  Just jump now.        

Your only taper option I can think of is to make the 60 last until the 21st.  What, 8 days or so?  Then talk to your doctor and get a taper plan going.  I tell you though taper is horrible anyway, it just feels like prolonging the agony.  Then you have to go through the agony anyway at the end.  Bear in mind too that most people can't taper, so by taking the pills off your mate you're possibly just going set yourself up for another withdrawal right from day one a few days down the track.

   I'm sorry to hear about your work situation too, the opiate piper is a real PITA when it comes to payment.  I wish there was a way for patients to truly understand what they're setting themselves up for without having to go ahead and actually set themselves up -_-

[Kimby34]

When I was tapered by my dr I was to go down 1/day for a week, then continue until off. But I was on a much lower dose (4-6/day) and I have to tell you having a supply around, with no one to monitor them for you, is going to be awful. I couldn't do it. My addicted part of my brain kept telling me to just take one more, or just to finish them off. It was terrible. If you can ride it out a few more days, it does get better. Try soaking in the tub, taking Pepto and Imodium. Ginger ale too.

[Perkymom]

Lol the typos have been cracking me up I think it's from the shakes and I'm using the keyboard on my phone, auto correct is hilarious. I can't take time off they are letting people go and I just can't afford to be on their radar. If I took the 60 pills, what would be the best way? I know I can find the will not to chew them all....

[weaver71]

Can you take a little time off work and ride this out? If you can work through the general symptoms, the vomiting should stop pretty soon. I only vomited for 3 or 4 days, though I was on high dose methadone, a much longer acting opioid. I understand if you can't do it that way, and each body is different. If you can't, is there anyone you can share your addiction with that can give you your daily dose or a doctor who can help you? You just went through upping the dose, I found it hard to taper, but many do it. I am so glad you are being proactive, I can't tell you how happy my kids are to see me clean.  

I love the typo, by the way, I had the 'swears' too.

[Perkymom]

I had a friend call and say she has 60 for free. She doesn't know I have a problem all but my real pain and gives me "left overs". I told her I have a bit of the flu and may have to wait. Without judging me please help me, I want them, I want to try a taper so I can work. I'm 54 hrs in and have not stopped vomitting. I was taking 15 5mg perks a day, the 15 is recent ive been on them for years but usually max 8, I bumped from 8 to 9, 9 to 10, etc pretty recently (maybe 3 months) is 60 enough to taper? I have the will and have asked in another chat for help finding na or as in my area. How would you suggest a taper? Should I take 1 or 1/2 only when incredible I'll? Would that even be enough to stop the symptoms? My biggest concern to go to work is to stop the vomitting, be able to decently concentrate, and not cry. The legs, the swears, the chills,'all of that I can work thru. Thoughts?

[Perkymom]

Well I'm almost at 48 hours and I had to call in sick to work today which I cannot afford to do :( a magic pill got me free of pain both physical and mental, a magic pill got me high, a magic pill got me addicted, I want the magic pill that will give me my life back. This morning with lack of sleep and a lot of hating myself for being such a loser, I'm really feeling sorry for myself. I have to work tomorrow, no excuses. Please tell me how to fake it, I do I go on with life while going thru this he'll???

[clean_in_ks]

Welcome to the forum!  As I've read over all your comments...I found myself remembering saying the same things and feeling the very same way....just last Summer.  "I'm so scared, I'm scared to stop and I'm scared not to stop."

I am one of many people that became addicted to pain meds after an accident where I broke my pelvis, tailbone & sacrum.  Then several major crises with my back followed....and by the time I was able to have a much needed surgery and finished PT, I was so completely addicted I contemplated ending things rather than face getting off the pain meds.  I, too, was scared sh*tless!!  

Most of us initially felt like "super" humans and had more energy...had great pain control, and functioned quite well while taking pain pills.  But the thing about narcotics...it always requires more and more and more and we begin doing things and acting in ways we never would have before we became addicted.  The portion of our brain affected (the mid-brain) begins calling the shots.  It's like an "animalistic instinct" that drives us to get our drug at any cost.  Hence, the dr shopping, the lying, cheating, re-arranging our whole lives around when we can get more pills.  I did CRAZY things to obtain my pills.  I didn't dr. shop like you, but I breezed thru my own scripts, my husbands and still went to the street for more towards the end.  

We have been given the "power of choice"....even tho our mid-brain tries to convice us we don't really have a choice....but we do.  That battle you have going on will begin to quiet as you resolve yourself to quit.  

Your son....oh my....what an insightful, wise, tenderhearted young man!!
His analogy of the bus always going back to the mall.....is priceless!!  It obviously moved you to tears.....it wasn't a coincidence.  You were meant to have that conversation with him today.

You said you were scared that you won't like who you are "off" pills.....but I promise you.....underneath the bitter snow....is a rose that will bloom.....and your will discover the caring, tender, loving mom and woman that you are~
  

[ricart70]

All you have to do is get through the day without taking a pill. That is all you have to do right now.  

[Perkymom]

Lol by the way im an English major and copy editor and the typos and auto corrects are making me laugh a little I wonder if it's the. wd for or the opi's

[Perkymom]

He has no idea how proud I am of him having that mind set. I will do my best to use his words as encouragement and I am not ready this minute but will try to use those words to cancel my appointment, I'm scared to try and do too much too fast. But with his words, all of your words, and all the willpower that I can muster, I will work towardsaking that call. I don't do well with anything that is overwhelming and right thisinute at exactly 36 hrs in I find that thought way too much. I will not go looking today, no fake injuries in the er. That is asuch as I can do on this moment. Thank you all for your support and listening to my rants, you truly are god sent :)

[Kimby34]

I started mine due to daily chronic migraines. I also feel like super mom on them! I have great energy, I'm happy, I'm fun,outgoing! I definitely miss feeling that way, but the lows were low. Counting my pills, spending tons of money, going to different drs in the practice until I found one who would give me them, making up excuses to get them filled early. It took me getting a script flagged st the pharmacy to scare me straight. I'm on day 4 as you know, and Im alive!:) I really recommend the Epsom salt baths, it's the only way I sleep. And I have been taking Ativan at night too. I sleep with a heating pad on my tummy. Please message me if you want, ill help you as much as I can! I need it too. There are moments when you want to cave so badly. The scary part is that you're googling things like that-you need to remember, your dr shopping was illegal too, so count your blessings you never got caught for that! And like me, take that as your one close call and get out now! You can do this!!!!!!!!!! We all can. You found this forum for a reason. We are all cheering you on. I found the brain part the hardest for me too!!!!!!! That's why I was on here earlier begging for help. And they got me past day 4. Eventually, our brains will learn to function without it. We just need to win this first battle. Sending tons of hugs.

[ricart70]

Smart kid !  no you don't want to go back to the mall. Most of us have been back to the mall and it is not a good place to go back to after a while.

[ariley13]

Wow! What a very smart boy. And his timing is perfect. Sometimes we just need someone else to point out the obvious to us. As addicts, we get wrapped up in our addict way of thinking. Our brains will do anything to rationalize using. Write this story down so that you can look at it every time you are tempted to 'go back to the mall'. Give that boy a big hug and keep at this so he can have his mama back!

[Perkymom]

My kids have no idea however just a few minutes ago my 15 year old came by with a gloomy face. I asked what was wrong abd he said that he thinks his best friend is smoking pot. I asked him if he was worried about peer pressure and he just said no I have no desire. He continued to say that it's mind over matter. I asked him then if he thinks addicts are weak, he said no and then told me a story. He said he lost his bus money one day in the winter and had a two hour walk home, he said that addictio I his head is the same thing. I said what if a free bus came by and you could get on, get warm and feel better. His answer was it does come by andnits always free but it only ever takes you back to the mall. One day an addict is just going have to endure it to get home, or keep going back to the same place. I'm hiding in the bathroo in tears. How smart he is, I've never touched any kind of drug or alcohol, just this and it started by accident. His words really hit home, I don't want to go back to the mall over and over :(

[ariley13]

Try some ginger ale or a slice of straight ginger root for the nausea. It really helps. A hot bath with epsom salts will help with the general aches and pains. Silly movies/TV/Youtube clips, surfing and chatting on this site can help to distract you some. Exercise (even though you don't feel like it!) will help the anxiety and poop you out so that you can rest better. Even if you just walk around the block a couple times, it's better than nothing. It'll help the leg pain too. As far as the script goes, I would seriously do some soul searching about that. If you don't cancel it and be honest with your doctor, it is almost a guarantee that you will relapse. (Any of us addicts would!) Just ask yourself if you want all of this suffering to be for nothing. If you relapse, then you will just have to go through detox again in the future. Maybe keep a journal of what you are feeling and going through right now. It might help you in the future to have something to look back on. That would be a heck of a deterrent for me!

[Perkymom]

Thanks everyone it means so much to know that people understand and care. My current symptoms are extreme weakness, nausea, and anxiety. I took ammonium for the diarrhea, and 1m of Ativan earlier today for the anxiety but it didn't help much so I don't know if I will bother. I've heard lots of people mention rls I don't seem to have that yet but my legs hurt the most, any way I move them it's pure pain. The worst part if this so far is my head, it seriously won't shut up, I've tried movies, music, played a board game with my daughter, I cannot concentrate, it just keeps focusing on what I don't have, get it, find a way, my back hurts my head hurts my legs hurt, just find it.! I have no where to go to find it until the 21st andni just pray by then I have the strength not to go. I just want my head to be quiet for a while, I feel like I have the devil and the angel sittingnon my shoulder, it's distracting me from everything and I can't turn it off!

[michael1953296]

It takes time and not easy but a good thing really with the flag system if you can't get the pills you will be forced to stop using. The pills make you feel like you can do anything at first but in truth that feeling will go away and you will just use to feel normal and that normal will not even be the normal you before you started using.
Pills are bad they cover up all your emotions and numb your brain and body as well. As the other poster wrote detox does not last forever and believe me after a couple of weeks off the pills you will feel better than you did while on the pills.
Hang in there and keep posting
Michael

[ricart70]

Hey just keep going and do not speculate. I will speculate that after a week or so you will be feeling much better and these questions you are asking yourself will not have near the weight that they do today. That is the addiction trying to force doom and hopelessness to the top of your mind and magnify those bad thoughts by a hundred. We know this because we have been there and it does get better and the longer you are off of these the more you will heal and get your life back. There is no future in continuing to use.It just gets worse. You can't stay where you are at with opiates.You canonly chase the high until you are exhausted,broke and broken.  Hang in there and stay hydrated.  Rooting for you

[ariley13]

Hi there and welcome! You got here the same way that many of us did...an injury, or chronic pain. I would highly recommend speaking with your doctor and being 100% honest with them. They can set up a taper plan for you if you feel that quitting cold turkey is not going to work for you. The issue most of us have with a taper plan is that if the pills are around, we will take them. Do you have a trusted person that could hand them out to you at the appointed times? Another reason it's so important to tell your doctor is to cut off your sources. Whether you get your pills from a doctor or a dealer, if you still keep that access to the pills, you will have a weak moment in detox and probably use. If you decide to do this cold turkey, there are several things you can do to make things a little easier. Be sure to stay hydrated. Try to stay away from caffeine, it just increases your anxiety and makes sleeping that much more difficult. Stock up on healthy, easy to digest foods. Have some Imodium around, because you will probably need it. Check out the Thomas Recipe at the bottom of the page. It's full of vitamins and supplements that aid the detox process. This site can be a great tool during detox and beyond. It's full of wonderful people who will offer you advice, encouragement, and support. Let us know any specific symptoms you are having and we can share things that have worked for us in the past. Please, just know that you are not alone. We are here for you and want to see you succeed. You can do this!! I wish you the best of luck. Take care.

[Perkymom]

We all got here for different reasons I started like many others with real pain and now my head can't seem to function without it. I'm so scared, I'm scared to stop and I'm scared not to stop. I don't even know menanymore. To be honest I was content with myself on them, I was superwoman and super mom. What I hate is the where do I get it next, how am I going to pay my bills etc. But I'm scared of the real me, I must not have liked something about myself to begin with to start this crap and let it take hold but my oxy memory is shot and I don't know what those things were. What if I don't like me sober? My fear is I go thru this pain (which even this soon seems too hard) and then I hate who I am?

[ROSYouralright]

Oh girl. I feel you. Detox doesn't last forever and u can quit the nasty habit one hour at a time. DONT GIVE UP! Keep your mind occupied so u don't have time to think (music really helped me). STAY CLOSE TO THIS SITE and post WHENEVER you NEED TO. their are many people here..all in different stages of recovery to help you through this. HANG IN THERE. YOUR DOING GREAT.