I need some help friends.....sorry to be so needy

[Flutterby111]

I'm sad I'm back to a state of being in need, rather than being able to help.  First off, WOW to all the new faces here.  2 weeks ago I found my father, my best friend, my rock dead.  and that just messed my already tainted world up.  I was 6 weeks (?) clean at that point.  I relapsed last week, slowly at first due to bad headaches-stress,crying,sinus infection, yada yada and then scored butabital WITH codeine and a script for percs-my DOC.  So, I went through both bottles in 3 days JUST to numb my pain.  I knew that's what I was going to do.  Knew the outcome would be the pain would still be there but I just wanted a break from the sobbing.  I mean, some of you know, I went through hellified withdrawls for almost 2 weeks then got blindsided with depression 2 weeks later, and I'd never been depressed, so this just ripped my life apart.  I'm trying to be strong.  I gave my husbad permission to flush all of my pills, even the non narcotics because I just have an overall addiction to pills.  I find a remedy for everything in a bottle.  and to ease his mind I said flush them, but hurry before I change my mind.  Goodbye Xanax, flexeril, fioricet, Visteril, and every other random pill I had...except the Topamax and Cymbalta....  but I got another script for fioricet with codeine today....**** on me.  People used to always talk about abusing drugs because of some deep rooted issues and I was always like, I just like a buzz!  I was never molested, didn't come from a bad family, etc.  But now, with my hero, my father dying at age 51 so unexpectedly, I now have a pain so deep that I want to numb....and I understand what so many of you have been saying.  I've abused the pills this weekend worse than I was before I quit last time, and feel a larger threat than before.  I can't crumble, I have so much on the line.  I have my father's estate being left to my sister and I.  I have my children and husband.  I have my health.  What am I going to do?  I'm in therapy.  both physical, and mental.....and it's sad, because I felt so good before the day I found my Daddy....and now, I'm just lost.....

[Flutterby111]

Thank you so much for adding me.....I just finally found a connection with GOd.....always been spiritual, always....but never religious....still unsure what "religion" I am, but oddly I don't have any anger, still have faith, and am praying every day for strenth and peace, and that my Dad is safe.  Thank you so much for the thought.  

Worried,
THanks honey.  I just feel bad I can't help like I used to.  I just can't.  I know I'm strong, and in time I'll heal a little, but right now the wound is too raw.  My dad and I were just so damn close, it hurts so damn much.  Thank God for family, friends, and my dear husband and children.  And sweet memories.  Though those aren't holding me up yet....I know they will.....Now if I can just get clean I'll be so much better......I think I can I think I can......I KNOW I can I KNOW I can.....

[catmagnet]

I really am sorry about your dad- I dread that day -I'm lucky to still have my parents at my age. I didn't mean to bump your thread with my relatively trivial question-you have my prayers... I will add you to the list at church... cat

[worried878]

I think that from time to time our roles may change...you were strong and giving much in the way of helping others get clean...now you need support...you are not the rock of gibralter you know...close tho!   u will be ok and i will be happy to lend u support as long as need be...will u do the same for me if i needed it? (:

[confused456]

Good to hear it!! I am praying for you! You are a sweetie and you will get through this. Have faith. Big hugs!!

[Flutterby111]

Thanks you guys....It means alot...in this awful time of dealing with the worst pain of my life, coupled with fighting an addiction...I must honor my father, my god, I must.  and this physical pain......it's been an ugly couple weeks.  But I'm going to pull some strength out of inside....I feel it.  I really do.  

[sortamental]

I'm so sorry you lost your dad. Your family is in my prayers.

[jetsetgrl]

I just want to say HUGS! I remember going through sorta what you are going through. I lost my Dad at 18. I am so sorry. Please keep you chin up... :)

[corey411]

SOO sorry for what your going through. I lost my dad at 53 and was not using then. That crazy old saying you always hear..time heals is soo true. My dads been gone over 20 years and at first I could not talk or think about him wo crying. I had to look at his pictures bc I started to think I couldn't imagine what he looked like anymore. Pain from losing a loved one is like our addictions...they need time for us to work them out. I think of my dad with great joy to this day. When something in my life happens that he is not here for I feel him...I know exactly what he would say and do and even can see him roll his eyes at me the way he used to. Honey, I know this is tough, unfair and just plain sucks but you have to move forward and do it drug free in order to allow the pain to be felt so it will lighten. God Bless and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[mommy52713]

YOU ARE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TODAY. I LOST MY FATHER AT THE AGE OF NINE  AND TO THIS DAY IT STILL HURTS. IT IS OK TO BE SAD LIKE YOU MY DADDY WAS MY WORLD IF YOU EVER NEED TO TALK I AM HERE 4 YOU HOLLY

[dove3053]

Sorry to hear about your Dad. I truly believe that the people we have loved and lost are still with us in a spirital way, looking over us.

God Bless,

Dove

[worried878]

If you need to talk..please let me know...only thing we all know for sure is the pills are not the answer...they will end up making you more depressed...this was such awful timing and i dont think it is fair...but i guess life is not fair often..please hang in there and dont use the pills to feel better...we know that is sooooo temporary and does not fix anything...just makes everything worse....my prayers are with you

[VOsRose]

First, I want to say that I am so sorry for your pain.  I, too, lost my father and that was the turning point for me and the beginning of my addiction.  Before, I would have pain meds prescribed for severe menstrual cramping and a bottle of 30 would last me a year.  Just after he was diagnosed with terminal cancer I developed a kidney stone and was given Lortab for the pain.  Something in my brain chemistry changed during the "pre-grieving" stage of his death and, suddenly, those hated pills (I literally HATED if I had to take one for pain - they knocked me out and made me grouchy) did something totally different to me...they gave me a euphoric "everything's going to be okay" feeling.  Weird, huh?  So, I can totally relate to your statement about the abuse being worse now.  In addition, only yesterday I was thinkin about how true it is that the human brain cannot remember pain.  Sure, we can remember it was bad or whatnot, but we cannot actually recall and relive the pain.  I went through the worst detox a person can go through a year ago and I'm back in detox right now.  I remember swearing to God and whoever else would listen that if I just lived through that last detox I would NEVER take another pill.

I have been fighting this addiction for many years now...my beloved Daddy passed away almost 12 years ago...I was laying in bed (he was able to die at home with the help of Hospice) holding his hand while my mother and brother were standing next to the bed with him.  He was awake and trying to say something to my mother as he took his last breath.  We could not understand what he was saying, but it must have been important...he was saying it over and over.  That memory haunted me for years and the pills helped.  

Last year, when I got out of detox I stayed clean for about 2 1/2 months and then had a brief relapse.  That is when I found this forum.  I met some wonderful people here and, with their help, was able to find the strength to taper myself and stop using again.  I realized then that I had to let my Daddy go.  I went home for a visit and went to his grave...there I had a long talk with him and told him good-bye...finally.  I had not been able to do that.  It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.

Yes, I have relapsed again...and this time it was simply because I wanted the "buzz" - I was sick and on my honeymoon and wanted to feel well enough to do things in the time we had left.  The psychological compulsion to seek drugs has not been with me this time...they have been rather easy to obtain, but I have not had the panicky, desperate I have to get them feeling even when they were running low.  I've known all along I was going to stop again soon and if fate stepped in and I ran out at any time I was ready to detox again.  I don't know if this makes any sense...I'm probably rambling.  

I just wanted to say, I can totally relate and what you're experiencing someone else has also experienced.  

Now...you can stop using.  You know you can.  You are very early into it again, so please, for yourself and your family, stop now before it gets any more out of control.  Depression can be a strong motivator in abusing because the opiates relieve the depression, so be very, very aware of that, as I'm sure you are.  If you continue in your current mental state to abuse you may find you reach a level of abuse you never dreamed possible...at my heighth, I was taking 80 Lortab 10 a day.  I stayed at that level for almost 3 years before I did the detox last April and it was pure hell on earth...that much I do remember.

If you want to talk, I'll be happy to talk to you.  Hang in there and pull yourself up.  You can do it!

Rosie

[TT1979]

I can relate to your situation. I lost my mother at 57 to cancer.She was my bestfriend, my rock, my everything, just like your dad was to you. My mom passed on Sept.29 in hospice as I was holding her hand. She cried a single tear as she passed. It was just too much.I too turned to pills to numb the pain and every time I took one I knew momma was lookin down on me not wanting me to do that to myself but the pain was just so bad. So I know what you are feeling. Try to think how happy your dad was knowing that you were clean and getting your life back before he passed. He wouldn't want you doing this to yourself because of him. He knew you were stronger than that. Remember that. You can do this. Make sure you are taking your anti-depressents and forget about the other stuff. Lean on your family right now and you will get through, I promise. Grieve and cry alot it does help. Don't let this demon defeat you. Good Luck to you Flutter you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[flmagi]

Hey Flutter. I understand your fathers death is tearing you up. To loose a parent is one of lifes biggest blows. But your going to greive with or without the pills, and the pills will only make it harder to get thru. The pills will only numb you for a while,  the emotions will catch up with you eventually. You need to be able to greive for your Dad, not try to put it aside with the pills. I know the pain from his loss is overwhelming, but its not fair to your Dads memory to try to numb it. You need to feel it....because its real, and its the only way you'll get on with life, as impossible as that seems, you will.  I know you can do it.
My prayers are with you and your family.
Magi

[GoingToMakeIt]

Gong to NA is a good idea. You can do this. Even though this a very traumatic event, there will always be events or reasons to make us use. The more you say no the stronger you become. You can do this. You need to do this! We are all behind you.

[Flutterby111]

No, I've had the same 4 Xanax in the bottle for weeks....I just have them....I didn't even take all of the pills I have daily, but it's like a security blanket.  Grief huh?   I'm going to check it out tomorrow.

GTMI,
you're right...and I don't need any new problems whatsoever...life's already given me more than I need right now.....

I just miss my Dad so much.  God I love him so.  He really was the best man I know.  But My husband is stepping up to plate for the WHOLE family, my aunts, me, our kids, my sister, I feel so lucky, I can't screw this up you guys....I'm going to need your support.  And I'm going to physically get my butt to NA meetings I think.  This is worse than before.  The withdrawls were bad and vivid enough to scare me straight, but now that memory has faded....and I have this pain to numb, but I can't..........I'm going to be strong......

[Jacqui805]

O.k. then.  You asked for it.  Pep, you've got it.  You know that any **** you have to feel related to w/d will go away then, and you're seeing a couple of therapists, so you need to do exactly what you said.  You need to pick yourself up for yourself, that rock of a father of yours, and for the life that you're gonna have when you kick this &hit!  You are so sweet, and you deserve the life that's waiting for you, the one you want, and the one your father wanted for you.  You can do it again.  Don't look back to when you took that first pill again, look ahead to times you are smiling and having fun, and the people who're lookin' at you can see your father's gleam in your eye.

[GoingToMakeIt]

Fluterby You know already that the pills are not the answer. remember what bad things they did to mess wih your body and mind. Yes they cover up problems but in reality, they create new problems. Quit messing up yu mind and get back on the program. No one here will blame you. We all understand their power over us. You can do this!
Yu will be better able to hep your family if you are clean.

[wait2long]

honey, i can tell your obviously in pain...but i HAVE to bring this up...were you taking xanax everyday on a regular basis?  if so, you cant just stop those, it can be very dangerous...i seriously hope your going to tell me they were used on occasion only...people who have been on benzos for an extended time then suddenly stop, can have seizure, stroke and/or coma...or worse...i really just wanted to warn you just in case you didnt know.

as far as the pain your feeling...i am sorry.  i cant imagine...i can tell your having an awful time of it...if you need to chat privately send me a PM...
from what you say, it does sound like you are doing all the right things...i think there is a forum here at medhelp for "GRIEF"...IT MAY HELP...
you were obviously close with your father and he sounds like he was a wonderful influence on you and left a great impression.  i hope your able to deal with this grief in a way that you will soon think of all the wonderful memories you had with him...i am not sure of this, but they say there is a proper way to grieve, there are steps to the process...i wish i could be more of a help to you...i am so sorry and my sincere condolences to you and your family...

[Flutterby111]

I'm not that far in that I'll be suffering withdrawls.  I had leg aches on monday and that was it....I think I'm ok.

[Flutterby111]

I just need some people to start kicking my a$$ back into shape about the pills!  I need to quit feeling sorry for myself and get clean, for him, for me, for my family....so help with some pep talks......please!!!!!!!

[confused456]

If you need anything, please let me know.

[confused456]

Flutterby, Honey, I am SO sorry for your loss. I wish there was some way to take your pain away. I can't imagine what you are going through. I have been praying for you and I will continue. You are such a wonderful person and are so sweet and caring. I hate to see you like this and wish there was something, anything I could do. I have you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Jacqui805]

Is there anything I can do?