Aa
I need some serious help.. or support.. really i don't know anymore!
I've been on this site before about a year ago with a substance abuse problem of mine.. my name is Chris and I'm 21 years old, and a drug addict! I have 2 daughters they love me very much, I have a girlfriend who does everything she possibly can for me, she's so great because she believes in me even tho I might have given up on myself. With that said, I just haven't been able to quit, I struggle severely. I'm in a dark place, I'm on this website because my heart hurts and i have no Friends anymore,. I struggle with opiates, oxy/Dilaudid/morphine/heroin etc, im an IV user, and I use multiple times a day, I am just in my head scared right now. Ive been to treatment 3 times and been to meetings worked the 12 steps had a sponsor and did real good but I just isolated an never came back.. sometimes I feel the world will be better without me and the only thing keeping me going\alive right now is hope that one day I can be happy and have a happy life with a happy family.. if there is someone out there any feedback is greatly appreciated :/ plz no bashing I'm already very down in life and depressed..
Dear Chris,
I hear you loud and clear and my Heart reaches out to you.
I had used everything and anything off & on since I was 13-14. Usually could walk away, until a new drug came around to try. Came clean around 4yrs ago this month, at the age 56, now 60. I got really hooked on the opiates, in the later 90s, that lead up to the Methadone that I was snorting with street bought Adderral and taking a Benzo to come down..Wow, that was NO life, but a very Spun one. Since then I had worked so many programs and made SO many new changes. I have studied Addiction and the Brain, all of this time. It was not until I really, really gave my life back to my God and started to get into Bible Study with the Church, that really turned my Life around. Addiction is a Disease and WE need Help & Support. Staying in our own mind frame can drive us crazy. We groove Habits in our Brain that have to be Changed with New Habits. So many types of Substances change our Brain Chemistry and that info goes deep, with tons of studying & understanding on what happens to our Brain. It takes work and lots of steps to stay clean. Sometimes, we just stuff things in our life, in our back pockets and try to forget or escape. We need to let these out of that pocket. I used back then because of environment, but now I am realizing there was so much more that goes on in our Brain. Addiction can happen to anybody, but WE must not beat ourselves up, but take Actions to get the help we need. Every day is a new day. WE have to be around clean friends too.
You have your Babies to think about. I know you have gone to treatment and meetings, but I would suggest you go back and this time take a look at what went wrong. Also, try reaching out at Church. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk with a Counselor or Therapist that deals with emotional issues and addiction. You can get this monkey off your back, but it will take work and work indeed..I have the up most Faith, that YOU really want this. We are here for you all the way. You can also talk Private in a PM if you want to. Stick around for Support and Do NOT try to do this alone!!! Get some phone numbers along the way and keep in touch with clean friends at all times. Try to redirect yourself at all times. Do not let the Brain keep playing the tape over & over again. We have to replace a new tape in. Ha! There are some good books out here these days. I got some great info & support from one called "Healing the Broken Brain" by Elden M Chalmers and one called "Proof Positive". Staying busy in life and helping others will also help you. Our testimony in life gives us more Faith when we share it. You can also find some Addiction videos out here too. There is one called "Pleasures Unwoven" and he made some others too. Very good info to know. He shows you props on how the brain chems work or change when we use (just a few of them) and all about the Mid-brain, which is the Pleasure part, that is highly hit when we use. The mid-brain is responsible for survival, so when we use, we think of nothing but where we are going to get that next high. Nothing else usually matters in life, as far as survival. It is so sad and a down hill spiral. However, this disease can be arrested and healing will happen. We are here for YOU all the way!!!!
Praying for you!
Vickie
I hear you loud and clear and my Heart reaches out to you.
I had used everything and anything off & on since I was 13-14. Usually could walk away, until a new drug came around to try. Came clean around 4yrs ago this month, at the age 56, now 60. I got really hooked on the opiates, in the later 90s, that lead up to the Methadone that I was snorting with street bought Adderral and taking a Benzo to come down..Wow, that was NO life, but a very Spun one. Since then I had worked so many programs and made SO many new changes. I have studied Addiction and the Brain, all of this time. It was not until I really, really gave my life back to my God and started to get into Bible Study with the Church, that really turned my Life around. Addiction is a Disease and WE need Help & Support. Staying in our own mind frame can drive us crazy. We groove Habits in our Brain that have to be Changed with New Habits. So many types of Substances change our Brain Chemistry and that info goes deep, with tons of studying & understanding on what happens to our Brain. It takes work and lots of steps to stay clean. Sometimes, we just stuff things in our life, in our back pockets and try to forget or escape. We need to let these out of that pocket. I used back then because of environment, but now I am realizing there was so much more that goes on in our Brain. Addiction can happen to anybody, but WE must not beat ourselves up, but take Actions to get the help we need. Every day is a new day. WE have to be around clean friends too.
You have your Babies to think about. I know you have gone to treatment and meetings, but I would suggest you go back and this time take a look at what went wrong. Also, try reaching out at Church. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk with a Counselor or Therapist that deals with emotional issues and addiction. You can get this monkey off your back, but it will take work and work indeed..I have the up most Faith, that YOU really want this. We are here for you all the way. You can also talk Private in a PM if you want to. Stick around for Support and Do NOT try to do this alone!!! Get some phone numbers along the way and keep in touch with clean friends at all times. Try to redirect yourself at all times. Do not let the Brain keep playing the tape over & over again. We have to replace a new tape in. Ha! There are some good books out here these days. I got some great info & support from one called "Healing the Broken Brain" by Elden M Chalmers and one called "Proof Positive". Staying busy in life and helping others will also help you. Our testimony in life gives us more Faith when we share it. You can also find some Addiction videos out here too. There is one called "Pleasures Unwoven" and he made some others too. Very good info to know. He shows you props on how the brain chems work or change when we use (just a few of them) and all about the Mid-brain, which is the Pleasure part, that is highly hit when we use. The mid-brain is responsible for survival, so when we use, we think of nothing but where we are going to get that next high. Nothing else usually matters in life, as far as survival. It is so sad and a down hill spiral. However, this disease can be arrested and healing will happen. We are here for YOU all the way!!!!
Praying for you!
Vickie
1 Comments
Really good Vic
I found this in conjunction with what VICourageous was saying in her post, thought it might help you a little bit:
I like to think of the brain and the mind as being two entities with distinctly human qualities that are very relevant for anyone who is dealing with recovery from alcohol and other drugs. At the risk of being criticized by some as dividing the brain from the mind, it is important to point out that the brain is the physical organ of the body responsible for a host of human functions, and the mind is one of those functions. In other words, the mind is the output of the brain’s functioning. This separation is important in order to understand the nature of the disease of addiction.
Addiction is a brain disease, not a mind disease. Addiction effects the physical organ we call the brain, and it is the broken brain that has difficulty coping with the lack of alcohol or other drugs when a person stops using them. We call this difficulty the hallmark of chemical dependency or addiction. It is important to know that this addiction in the physical brain has certain side effects that affect the mind. The mind is the repository of our hopes, dreams, thoughts, ideas, morals, ethics, principles, reason for living, and willpower. Using drugs and alcohol causes these qualities of life to be suspended as the physical needs of the brain override the needs of the mind…the brain gets hijacked by the alcohol or other drugs.
These facts are not so interesting except when it comes to an understanding of exactly what it means to have the disease of addiction. Addiction is a disease of the brain, not of the mind. Problems within the mind – mental illness – may be caused by this physical dependence on alcohol or other drugs, but the disease of addiction is primarily a disease of the brain. We know this because an organ of the body (the brain) is changed (brain cells are altered by the drugs) and there are symptoms (intoxication, withdrawal, tolerance). This is the classic medical description of a disease and the disease of addiction certainly fits it. The illness within the mind that comes from addiction (loss of willpower, inability to make good choices, defensiveness, denial, etc.) is not the primary disease, but an after effect of the brain disease.
Mankind has been confusing this for centuries. There are even those today who do not agree with this analysis because they still feel that addiction is a disease of the mind…they are convinced that it is a lack of willpower, some moral failing, that causes a person to drink uncontrollably. Why else would we hear too often, “Why don’t you just say ‘No’?” or “Why do you drink even when there are consequences of that drinking?” There are others who feel that the “cure” for addiction lies exclusively in correcting the rational, thinking part of the mind’s functioning, i.e., that some people can drink or use other drugs in moderation and not suffer the mental or emotional consequences of that use, or others may stop entirely because the make up their minds that they will.
I like to think of the brain and the mind as being two entities with distinctly human qualities that are very relevant for anyone who is dealing with recovery from alcohol and other drugs. At the risk of being criticized by some as dividing the brain from the mind, it is important to point out that the brain is the physical organ of the body responsible for a host of human functions, and the mind is one of those functions. In other words, the mind is the output of the brain’s functioning. This separation is important in order to understand the nature of the disease of addiction.
Addiction is a brain disease, not a mind disease. Addiction effects the physical organ we call the brain, and it is the broken brain that has difficulty coping with the lack of alcohol or other drugs when a person stops using them. We call this difficulty the hallmark of chemical dependency or addiction. It is important to know that this addiction in the physical brain has certain side effects that affect the mind. The mind is the repository of our hopes, dreams, thoughts, ideas, morals, ethics, principles, reason for living, and willpower. Using drugs and alcohol causes these qualities of life to be suspended as the physical needs of the brain override the needs of the mind…the brain gets hijacked by the alcohol or other drugs.
These facts are not so interesting except when it comes to an understanding of exactly what it means to have the disease of addiction. Addiction is a disease of the brain, not of the mind. Problems within the mind – mental illness – may be caused by this physical dependence on alcohol or other drugs, but the disease of addiction is primarily a disease of the brain. We know this because an organ of the body (the brain) is changed (brain cells are altered by the drugs) and there are symptoms (intoxication, withdrawal, tolerance). This is the classic medical description of a disease and the disease of addiction certainly fits it. The illness within the mind that comes from addiction (loss of willpower, inability to make good choices, defensiveness, denial, etc.) is not the primary disease, but an after effect of the brain disease.
Mankind has been confusing this for centuries. There are even those today who do not agree with this analysis because they still feel that addiction is a disease of the mind…they are convinced that it is a lack of willpower, some moral failing, that causes a person to drink uncontrollably. Why else would we hear too often, “Why don’t you just say ‘No’?” or “Why do you drink even when there are consequences of that drinking?” There are others who feel that the “cure” for addiction lies exclusively in correcting the rational, thinking part of the mind’s functioning, i.e., that some people can drink or use other drugs in moderation and not suffer the mental or emotional consequences of that use, or others may stop entirely because the make up their minds that they will.
2 Comments
SJS, this is so good!! Thank you!
you're welcome Dee! Every since Vickie told me about addiction in a more scientific way, I've been fascinated with it, it's very interesting, and it has actually helped in my recovery alot! I just thought this was a good piece of information, especially with someone dealing with letting go of opiates the way this poor man is :(
Hi Chris! I was where you are. I have a 22 month old son that means the world to me, and looking into his sweet innocent little face is what gives me the strength to try to get off the pills. I owe it to him! I want him to have the best mama he can have! I also have no friends, and no one to talk to, coming to this forum was one of the best decisions I could have ever made. It let's me know that despite how alone I am in real life, I'm not really alone, and there are many many people in this situation, and there are many people in worse situations. You will not get any judgment here, only support. And man, I needed support. I have gone through withdrawals more than I wish to say due to running out of pills early every month (like 2 weeks early), and I used to buy them from a friend when I ran out, but I ended up not even knowing anyone to buy them from anymore, so I would spend two weeks in hell...until I looked at it a different way and set my mind on positive mode. I forced myself to do things (clean, cook, walk, go to the store), and I realized that the more I did, the better I felt. The more energy I got, and my all around mood was better. I've spent several withdrawals laying on the couch feeling sorry for myself, feeling miserable, and that was where I had gone wrong. Laughing and loving on my baby boy and playing and cuddling with him released alot of endorphins for me, and took me to a very happy place that made me look at life differently and made me wake my mind up and realize that that baby is my reason for living and for getting clean. I've had slips, and it is no easy fete, but with will power, patience and a positive attitude, you will be suprised what you can force your mind to overcome. The addict wants us to feel miserable and like we can't go on, because then it will eventually talk us into getting pills (any way we can) and taking them, but if you become stronger than your addict, you will feel alot better. I hope this helps you, keep posting for support and God be with you in your time of need!
Chris. Let me tell you this from the bottom of my heart. Thi is the hardest thing you will ever do. BUT you will get better. You will. I was where you are. I wanted to die EVERYDAY. I thought that there was no way I will ever feel better. It's just your brain!!! You have a disease. It is cunning baffling and powerful. It knows exactly what to tell you to make you second guess yourself. Just don't believe the lie. I know that it takes everything in you all day long to fight it. But someday soon it won't be all day. It will only be a part of the day. And then it will only be every so often. My own disease still has me questioning my life at times. My struggle is no different than your. We are the same. But it is not our fault. We have a disease. It has no cure but it will go into remission and allow you to live your life. You are so young with so much life ahead of you. Don't let this take once more minute of your life Some day you will walk your daughter down the aisle and think to yourself that you have had a blessed life. It can all start here just don't use! No matter what. Don't use. God bless you Love your brother in the fight. Bob
I'm 7 days sober from crack and 6 days from alcohol. Successful white collar professional with family, house in the suburbs. Made a decision to voluntarily reveal crack use to wife and family by admitting both crack and alcohol were problems and I needed help. I was at the edge of the cliff and continuing was going to result in much more serious problems. I say this so you have some idea of who I am. One thing that has worked for me in my very short period of sobriety is any time I start to feel seduced by either drug(crack, alcohol) is I recall the very short-lived high and turn my focus to all of the negativity that follows the initial almost irrelevant amount of 'fun' or 'feel good' or whatever you want to call the high. For crack, the guilt for using again, depression, heart racing and insane paranoia. All for what? Feeling like complete garbage, guilt and ALWAYS regret. This very short cycle also taught me that alcohol is EXACTLY the same trick. Short-lived 'high' followed a very long period of negativity: wanting more to maintain buzz(which is actually a high almost no different than crack - different in how it feels, but a high nonetheless), depressed system, dehydration, irritability, etc. It is just not worth it to me to start the whole process over again for a fake high just to deal with all the negativity immediately after.
Also, I have confessed to those around me and sought outside help. Started an intensive outpatient program. I know I will be facing some serious temptations probably forever so I want a fighting chance with assistance from professionals.
I am tired of wasting my life for little blips of selfish 'fun.' Hope this perspective may be of use to you.
Also, I have confessed to those around me and sought outside help. Started an intensive outpatient program. I know I will be facing some serious temptations probably forever so I want a fighting chance with assistance from professionals.
I am tired of wasting my life for little blips of selfish 'fun.' Hope this perspective may be of use to you.
hey Chris i definitely remember you! you have done some hard work in the past buddy and you can do it again! i know you can even if you dont feel like you can. your desire to get clean is a great start and your bonds with your girls and your gf will help. aftercare is really important, such as 12 step. i am not religious; you really don't need to believe in religion to go to AA or NA. how are you doing? give us an update, whether its good or bad. we're here for you!
And I wouldn't know how to do the methadone/suboxone thing anyways, there's no clinic anywhere around, I have no transportation... And I'm scared to physically say I don't believe I can get sober because then I won't even come on this forum to even try to get a start or anything. I just don't know how to get it and keep it I guess. I've been taking opiates since I was 12 and everyday since 15 its been tough. I feel robbed from many things. Also, I'm kind of scared of religion ATM, I don't know what to believe or who or anything, I try not to think about it right now cuz it feels like my brain can't take it. I feel like my head is constantly in a heavyweight bout me vs me just processing and thinking all the time.
Yes I'm 21. And thank you all for feedback and support. It's been a long road..
If you don't think u can stay sober try a methadone/sub oxide treatment center. I would stay sober for a year or two then always slip so now I am on methadone and it has given me my life back.
WOW!!!!
Look at all of your own Testimonies!!
I too, have so much I should be putting in my Journal. It has been a walk to remember and most of you know about all the Hardship I had in these past yrs.
YES..Life can be Great and always, always and always keep that Faith and Positiveness going.
Love the Honesty in this Post!
Bless All
Vickie
Look at all of your own Testimonies!!
I too, have so much I should be putting in my Journal. It has been a walk to remember and most of you know about all the Hardship I had in these past yrs.
YES..Life can be Great and always, always and always keep that Faith and Positiveness going.
Love the Honesty in this Post!
Bless All
Vickie
Great answers for anyone looking for help.
When I treated HCV I had, the treatment (Incivek) blocked my Prozac I was on to stop depression from Interferon, as well as my thyroid medication, it tripled or quadrupled the xanax I was on.
When I finished that medication (Incivek) I was a mess, did not know why. Then I found out my brain was looking for the extra xanax; while at the same time I was dragged down because I had no thyroid medication in my system, depressed because I had no prozac. I was still taking the same amount I had been but the Incivek was no longer there making the Xanax stronger. For two weeks I could not read or write or sleep, could not talk for a few days. My body was in shock but I did not know what it was.
My husband said my brain was looking for the medication I had been on, but that I myself was stronger than my brain and I could get through it. It took a while for my thyroid levels and prozac to go back up, It was the first time anyone had ever said that my will could be stronger than my brain. I hope this makes sense.
i.e. I don't "feel" like doing this or that. You have to kind of force yourself. One step in front of the other, one day or one minute at a time, baby steps.
Good luck!
When I treated HCV I had, the treatment (Incivek) blocked my Prozac I was on to stop depression from Interferon, as well as my thyroid medication, it tripled or quadrupled the xanax I was on.
When I finished that medication (Incivek) I was a mess, did not know why. Then I found out my brain was looking for the extra xanax; while at the same time I was dragged down because I had no thyroid medication in my system, depressed because I had no prozac. I was still taking the same amount I had been but the Incivek was no longer there making the Xanax stronger. For two weeks I could not read or write or sleep, could not talk for a few days. My body was in shock but I did not know what it was.
My husband said my brain was looking for the medication I had been on, but that I myself was stronger than my brain and I could get through it. It took a while for my thyroid levels and prozac to go back up, It was the first time anyone had ever said that my will could be stronger than my brain. I hope this makes sense.
i.e. I don't "feel" like doing this or that. You have to kind of force yourself. One step in front of the other, one day or one minute at a time, baby steps.
Good luck!
1 Comments
And to add to what Dee said...I found that FORCING myself to do things worked wonders for me, and believe us, it is definitely forced to do things, but the truth of the matter is, I didn't "feel" like doing alot more things when I was taking the pills, my brain just made me think I was doing more than I am sober, but that is just not true! Your mind is a tricky tricky place to be in, especially all by yourself. Try to get out of your brain, and into the moment, not the next hour, the next day or the next week, just in that moment, and you will find a little more peace and ease. I hope all we have said helps you, and you come back and talk with us.
Thanks guys. It's truly hard for me to say what's on my mind and heart. I know it's been a long brutal road and I'm tired. I don't know that I'll be ok any more, it's hard to explain I guess everything that ponders in my mind, I just feel hopeless, an broken. An only person I have to talk to is myself, and I'm just a mess. .
1 Comments
I have felt this way. I wanted to get better but I couldn't stop using. I was to depressed to even try. I stayed in bed until I got a shot in me, that was my energy. I thought I needed that shot to have the energy to clean/cook. To enjoy life/be happy. I dreaded when my happiness was going to wear off, n I'd be depressed again. I hated who I became/I wanted me back. So I just decided to stop /I couldn't take how low mentally I was. I forced myself to open the Bible, I read psalms 25:16 to 20. It touched me somehow. So I just started reading a little everyday. It was like once I made an effort and reached out, the lord like took the wanting to get high away. And I just kept at it. Then I started to love life. I felt free n thankful. I had my own natural energy/my own happiness. Come walk this path friend. Don't fight this on your own.
My dear sweet man. I want you to fight! Don't let dope continue to rob you. Look up a poem on the web called drugs , it will open your eyes n touch your heart. We get one shot at life. So I want you to quiet that evil inner voice that tries to tell you just one more time or go find dope. You will have to gain back your control. Try with all your heart friend. Happiness awaits you . Fight for your soul ,god loves you so very much. He's waiting for you to reach out to him. When you can no longer stand kneel!
Hey Chris, chin up ok.
life is never easy....what's that saying "hell" is here on earth, I often believe that :)
I've been to that deep dark spot many times in my life...different reasons, still very painful. Nothing ever stays the same. When we find ourselves feeling so hopeless is when we need to look around us just to take in all the positive we take for granted. You have 2 babies and a love that clearly adores you. ...that's your reason. 2nd ask yourself what can you do to chang your situation, that answer is clear.
don't for one minute believe because you've had several failed attempts that it CAN'T happen for you !!
My son was a very active iv heroin user with more failed attempts than I could count....one days something "clicked" for him. ...he's going on 5 years clean.
I feel youve made a huge step....just by reaching out.
don't give up. ...try again...you have people counting on you that clearly love you and that you clearly love...or you wouldn't be here ;)
Great support on this site. ..I say stick around and try again !!
life is never easy....what's that saying "hell" is here on earth, I often believe that :)
I've been to that deep dark spot many times in my life...different reasons, still very painful. Nothing ever stays the same. When we find ourselves feeling so hopeless is when we need to look around us just to take in all the positive we take for granted. You have 2 babies and a love that clearly adores you. ...that's your reason. 2nd ask yourself what can you do to chang your situation, that answer is clear.
don't for one minute believe because you've had several failed attempts that it CAN'T happen for you !!
My son was a very active iv heroin user with more failed attempts than I could count....one days something "clicked" for him. ...he's going on 5 years clean.
I feel youve made a huge step....just by reaching out.
don't give up. ...try again...you have people counting on you that clearly love you and that you clearly love...or you wouldn't be here ;)
Great support on this site. ..I say stick around and try again !!
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