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Avatar universal

I think I'm doing everything I can.

Some of you know me from previous posts.  I post again, am still looking for a way out of this hole I'm in.  
#1.  Lot's of family drama the last 5 days.  I have a 26 yr old son who is addicted to marijuana and can't make it on his own.  
#2.  The doctors in this town, at least the ones I've been to,, don't want to look at me as a whole.  I think part of it is that I don't know how to communicate with them.
#3.  I'm in pain.  A lot of pain.  I went through 3 knee replacements in three years.  My knees are bearable.  But my neck and shoulder now have serious issues.  I don't know what to say.  My family tells me things like, "No more surgeries!"  So I feel like I should just put up with the pain, until I can't any more.  
#4.  The pain doctor is giving me 180 Norcos a month.  I take them in two weeks, then really, really,really, suffer as I continue to teach school and try to parent teenagers and be a wife.  I wouldn't have a clue how to buy drugs off the street.  
#5.  My husband and I are seeing a counselor.  I think she's good, but we can't fix things over night.  
#6.  I've had a killer sinus infection for the last 12 days along with withdrawal symptoms and significant pain in my neck, face, and head.  I just called the Dr. for an appt.  Ah, My 12 days of Christmas in 2012.  Add to this some serious family drama that has been healthy but painful, and I'm dying to get my script tomorrow.  This will put me almost out at the exact time I have to go back to work. The thought of continuing on this merry-go-round from hell makes me want to run away or go to sleep.  I'm 55 years old.  Why can't I figure this out?  What's wrong with me?  Why can't I talk to the doctors the way I should?  I'm not dumb.  
15 Responses
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Avatar universal
Isn't it sad...all of these posts?   What to do?  So very sad.  I know everyone wants out....out of the grips of drugs .... alcohol.....sadness.  I can only pray for us all.  I drink too much.  I am the happiest luckiest person God ever put on this Earth.  So, why drink?  I like the taste and being able to relax.  Forget the crap... I feel so guilty
newyears resolution.  Quit and turn myself over 100% to my wonderful husband.   He totally deservses all of my sober honest lov

Helpful - 0
4204073 tn?1361831476
That happens to me every single time I relapse.  I wonder what it was I missed about the drug (other than pain relief) until my body adjusted in a few days to being back on them.    Sounds like this is a really good opportunity to evaluate your behavior if the first thing you did was take 3 of them.   We can overdose easily after detoxing by going back to old behaviors.  
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Avatar universal
I refilled my script Thursday.  The pain in my head and neck is really bad.  I'm seeing the Dr. on Wed.  Remember how I said that the last time I had the pills they made me feel worse instead of better?  Well this time they are making me so nauseated.  I'm only taking them when I absolutely can't stand the pain.  I took three on an empty stomach (I know that's too many, but was settling back into old pattern) and I started getting the nausea that I used to get years ago when I first took them.  I was talking to my mom on the phone, and I was barely able to hang up the phone before I threw up the half a burger I'd eaten an hour earlier.  
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Avatar universal
Those are great comments.  Thank you so much.  I bet you are right about me knowing I can get them, and feeling the jitters about it.  And littlebit, it's good to know that someone else has gone through a similar situation.
Helpful - 0
4204073 tn?1361831476
Could you be craving the norco more so because you know you can get some soon?    Our minds can be tricky once we get past the ickies.  We forget how awful they made us feel when we ran out before.   Im not experienced enough to suggest other pain relief other than what others have suggested.  Have done surgical procedures with pain management that does help.   Do you have anyone that can only give you what you need?    Methadone can be very difficult to come off of too and its not a great pain reliever.  Its a tool to help you get off opiates.  
Helpful - 0
1801781 tn?1461629469
OK this is just a thought....it  may not be real..but something to consider.  You are going thru withdrawals about 2 weeks out of the month.  Your brain is going nuts and possibly giving you MORE pain to get you back on the pills.  So you are on this roller coaster every month.  Yes, you have real reasons to have pain..but, your brain is making more pain to get you back on the pills that you can't have for two or so weeks.  Until you are OFF of them for at least a month will you be able to see where your real pain levels are.  At least it would be a start.  You will never know until you try.  I know the pain scared me so much and tho my pain issues were not as deep as yours...I have found that they are manageable with chiropractic, massage and a little aleve.  I have no clue if you will get that kind of success, but you will never know it you don't try.  It seems like you are dealing with the Pain and the addiction...and the later is gonna kill you at some point.  Please consider getting clean first and then see where it takes you.  I was taking 180 a month only from my doctor and did not seek pills elsewhere....but it was madness and finally I had to stop.  
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Avatar universal
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer me.  Please don't take this as me making excuses for why I can't get off the pills, but....I can't take NSAIDS (gastric bypass) seven years ago.  And my stomach is already starting to bother me.  Plus I truly believe that the meds go through my system twice as fast as someone who hasn't had gastric bypass.  I've never said that to my doctors, but I've read of others who've had similar experiences.  I can drink a few sips of alcohol and get a little buzz and it will be completely gone in 20 min.

I'm going to pain doctor that Ive seen for several years.  He's not a good one, but only game in town.  He gave me 14  5mg methadone and told me to taper after 3 or 4 years of taking 3 a day.  He's a nice man, but I have trust issues.  I just can't open up.  Maybe I should talk to my therapist about this.  She was married to a doctor here in town and she gave me a name of a new doctor to go to, but he won't take my new lovely insurance at the moment.  

And I've been off Norco for 14 days tomorrow, but my body is craving it so bad right now.  I mean almost worse than during the bad withdrawals.  
Helpful - 0
1855076 tn?1337115303
I think you really need to formulate a good plan with your doctor to deal with your pain.  If you can find a solution to your pain, that will eliminate one of the reasons to take them.  Then you can work on the mental aspect of addiction.  Is it your primary care doc that is managing your pain issues or the surgeon who did your surgeries?  You may find more help for the chronic pain with a pain management doctor.

I have several chronic pain issues and have been in pain management for years.  I have fibromyalgia for the past 13 years and most of the time manage it with exercise and diet.  Initially I tried some meds but I didn't like the side effects and figured out what exercise helped.  I also have severe arthritis in many joints but my hands are very bad.  I had a joint replacement of the left thumb  nearly six years ago and it failed and I had 8 more surgeries trying to correct it without success.

I went into pain management and was put on a huge amount of narcotics.  I have always been afraid of addiction as I've seen it in my family and in my work with the court system.  Even though I was dependent versus addicted, I wound up in acute withdrawals several times due to a few different reasons.  I've never taken more of my meds than prescribed but still wound up going through terrible withdrawals (one was from Fentanyl and was very difficult.)  My pain management doc was not very supportive in me coming off and I tried to figure out a taper for myself and it was a disaster.  I got a lot of help from some people here and I finally did it.

I talked with my primary care and for a while, she had me taking them on as needed basis.  My pain became somewhat out of control a couple of months ago and it was affecting my blood pressure so I temporarily went back on a long-acting med but have since come off it.

Only you know if you can manage your pain without narcotics.  A good pain doctor will offer you more than just pills.  I use a number of different things:  I love the ThermaCare products as for me, heat can make me feel a lot better.  I also take large doses of ibuprofen (and take Prilosec to protect my stomach.)  I get a prescription gel called Voltaren and it can sometimes help and I also use Lidoderm patches.  Sometimes it takes a whole bunch of little things to get you through.

You clearly have a lot going on and going to a therapist is a great idea.  There are also specific pain psychologists/psychiatrists and that may be a help.  I saw one four or five times and came away with some helpful ideas.

Talking to your doctor can be scary but try to remember that he works for you ... it's his job to help you figure out how to manage your pain and get off the pills.  There have been times I've come across doctors or nurses who initially thought I was drug seeking, until they talked with my own doctor and surgeon.  For me, I'd rather have some pain than be chained to the pills.  Also, I think you're probably at a point that you're not thinking as clearly as you would off the pills and the pills and withdrawal cycle is fueling the anxiety.  After you come off the pills, it won't be too long before you can truly evaluate your pain and find that your thinking will change as well.  You'll be able to deal with the things in your life in a clear-headed way and I think you'll be surprised that you probably can manage using other methods to deal with your pain.

And just to remind you, as I'm sure you already know, while you're dealing with withdrawals, use the Thomas Recipe and other little tricks that help with the withdrawal symptoms.  I've found that those things really help.  I know I found Imodium to be particularly helpful with all my withdrawal symptoms, not just the tummy issues.  I was actually surprised at how much it helped as it sounded sort of too good to be true.

Give yourself the best New Year's gift you can and get your life back.  This is a great support.  There's also the pain management forum.  Unfortunately, it isn't as active as it used to be and a lot of the more experienced members have left, it still is a place to get information or just vent about the pain.
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
I agree about the pain thing.  It's a tough situation when there is REAL pain involved for someone who is an addict.  Not to say that there won't be SOME situations in your life where you would legitimately need an opiate for pain relief...but you have to be VERY honest with yourself, and those situations would have to be handled properly and VERY carefully...WITH your doctors all having the knowledge that you're an addict.  To use opiates for a the chronic issues you speak of now really isn't an option....as you will always abuse them.  

This is why it is so important to talk to your doctor.  He/she will work with you, both to taper you off, and to help you come up with non-narcotic analgesic solutions.  PLUS, by telling your doctor, you have accountability, AND you're removing your source.  You'd probably be amazed at how much doctors hear that their patient is an addict.  You're not telling him anything he hasn't heard before.  PLUS, depending on the frequency of you asking for pain meds...he may already have a very good idea.  Drug seeking behavior is usually pretty obvious.  The only person who THINKS the behavior isn't standing  out is the addict, usually.

While I'm sure it will be very hard to find the courage to tell him...you need to just do it.  Set up an appt, go in and just be honest.  You DON'T have to go into tremendous details...just tell him you have an addiction problem, that you abuse the meds and have been for "x" amount of years.  Ask for help...tell him you are done, and want to find other ways to deal with the pain...while at the same time, getting help for the addiction.

You may be pleasantly surprised.  A LOT of doctors will be very supportive, and your biggest ally.  Your doctor is one of the BEST people to have in your corner.

As for having your therapist "hold" your pills for you?  No.  Can't be done.  It's illegal.  They are a controlled substance and a therapist would lose their job AND their license very quickly.   Not to mention, as an addict, you will find another way to get them.  I think you have to come to terms with the fact that in order to get OFF the merry-g-round once and for all, you can NOT take opiates on any kind of regular basis, you just cannot.
Helpful - 0
4204073 tn?1361831476
Tylenol does absolutely nothing for me.   It is a worthless pain reliever in my opinion.   You need to tell your Dr you don't want to take opiates any longer.  You want to find another way to address your pain.    It will take some trial and error, but there is a way to help you live life more comfortably.   My Dr prescribes Indocin when my inflammation in my neck gets out of control.   He wants me to take Tramadol, but I won't go near that stuff after suffering withdraws from it in the past.  It is worst than opiates!    800 mg Ibuprofen works fairly well, but most of the time I take Excederin.  

I think the fear of being in pain for the rest of your life is what is keeping you from staying off the opiates.   The longer you are on them, the more of them and the stronger doses you will need.   Our bodies build a tolerance to them.  Then when we don't have them the pain is super intensified until our bodies and minds get in harmony again.   It can take a couple weeks to a month to know what your real pain levels are.   That's something you can talk to your Dr about as well.    

I also know that when on the pain meds, it sure makes you not care if you are hurting or not because you feel like a super person who can do anything.   In time though you need to take them just to feel normal.  
Helpful - 0
4204073 tn?1361831476
The only way to arrest the disease of addiction is to NOT use.   Taking opiates is not an option.   We are powerless over them.    You keep proving that to yourself by jumping on and off the merry go around by running out of 180 of them in 2 weeks and then being sick for a week or two.   Just get off and then do whatever it takes to not get back on it.   One pill is too many and 1000 isn't enough.    It all starts with just jumping back on the merry go round for the one pill for relief.   At one time I didn't know how to get them 'on the street', but trust me...when your desperation gets the better of you...we find out how and quickly!    Then God help us because we will beg, borrow and steal to keep us out of withdraw until that next refill comes through.  
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Avatar universal
I think I need help knowing what to say to my doctors.  I did go back and read the previous post, and thank you for that.  The pain in my head and neck is what's whispering to me right now.  I've done PT and massage for over a year for this condition with only temporary results.  I'm wondering if it could have something to do with my teeth.  I have one tooth out on the left side, and all the pain is on the right.  I've had an xray of shoulder which showed moderate arthritis.  My insurance changed (big surprise) in Sept.  The doctors in this small town are freaking out because they aren't getting paid what they are used to getting paid.  Only two big employers in this town.  They are cutting down on visits to PT.  I've been taking tylenol for days.  I can't get any relief from it.  When I was off of drugs for eight months in 2011 I had a lot of pain in my neck and knees.  I don't know if I can handle all this change in my family and getting clean and going to doctors.  It just seems so overwhelming.  I'm thinking about asking my therapist to hold the pills.  Is that just a ridiculous thought?
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
Only YOU can stop the merry-go-round. I hope you can and pray that you will get to the other side. Your disease is progressing--it's time.
Helpful - 0
4204073 tn?1361831476
As an experienced and chronic relapser myself; you just get to a point where you are sick and tired of being sick and tired!     I suffer chronic pain, but also found that whenever I relapsed, once I started taking the Norco again, the pain intensified.   Then when I would go off it, the pain takes a couple weeks to settle down.   It's really truly hard to tell what your real pain levels are when you keep going off and on every couple weeks.   Since you have already went through the worst of the withdraws, how about you just NOT refill that scrip and stick with us?    
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538

You say the following:

I post again, am still looking for a way out of this hole I'm in.  

Yet in your last thread....

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/Ready-to-get-help/show/1858586#post_8603826

....you answer all your own questions in the OP hon.

Like you said, you need to get off the merry go round.  Most likely, the opiates are actually making your pain worse.  You have to put a plan in place and stick to it.  

Beyond just the w/d and detox (which you will probably do well with, as you have experience with it...and you are in w/d's all the time anyway)...there HAS to be aftercare and HAS to be accountability by telling people in your life.  That doesn't mean you have to tell the world...but your close loved ones, and your doctors, for SURE....it's a starting place.

Very best to you.  Go back and reread your other thread...you got some great replies there.  I don't think there's a whole lot to say that is going to be different than what you were told.

Take care!
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