I think my husband is addicted to pills

[nic2401]

I think my husband is addicted to pills, and I really need advice. I have been with him for about 5yrs and just found out that he's  been snorting lortabs on and off (so he says) since we have been together.Now he says he doesn't have a problem and that he quit because I told him I would leave him if he didn't. Now he wipes his nose on his shirt and he is leaving blue crusty marks and he his still moody. Is he still taking pills? How can I get him to stop if he won't admit he has a problem? Im not very experienced with drugs and I have no clue what to do, I would really appreciate some advice.

[smilezalot1]

based on my own experience as a pain pill addict, if he's wiping his nose alot and its runny, he may really be trying to come off. That is a huge sign of withdrawl. It's very uncomfortable and will indeed make one moody. The scary part is that sometimes, depending on severity of habit, the withdrawls can become so bad that one will go to abnormal lengths to get the drug that will make it just stop. Be there for him and maybe he can ween himself off instead of suffering, or get help from a doctor if he's up for that. Good luck! :-)

[whitie]

If he has blue crusty marks on his shirt, I would think he is still snorting them, because lortabs are blue if I remember right. I hope he is not, and its just wd's.......which would be really obvious because he would have many more problems going on.

your going to have to call him out on it,thats about all you can do. many here will say, that until HE wants to get clean, its not going to happen.


thats alot of acetaminophin to putting up your nose...man thats gotta be rough!

[nic2401]

Thank you so much for your advice! Ya im worried he's still using its so hard to trust him since he's been lying for the past 5yrs and we have two young kids I have to think about. I have tried telling him its ok to be honest but I guess he feels that he can't, even though everything has already came out and im still here. I would love to invte him on here but I think he would just get angry that im talking to others about it. I am just really glad I found some where I can talk to people about it and be able to ask questions.

[CATUF]

leaving blue crusty marks was all i needed to hear . . . i used to do that a lot.  He's crushing and snorting the light blue lortabs.

snorting itself is a sign of addiction.  it's a ramped up delivery method, getting you to where you want to be faster.  my routine to start every day a few years was to "snort one, take two" (i used to actually say that to myself in the mirror).

my personal opinion is that the odds of getting into sustained recovery from serious opiate addicton is next to impossible without treatment.

who knows how far advanced his addiction is . . . not me.  

i do know that over time, addiction always get worse.  it never gets better for any significant period unless it's arrested.  but even in its dormant state it gets progressively worse as it patiently waits for the day when it's let out of the cage.  i locked my beast up a little over 4 years ago and if i were to let it out tomorrow it would almost immediately be worse than it was then.

is he lying to you about his use.  yes: dogs bark, fish swim and addicts lie.  it comes with the territory.  he probably doesn't want to lie to you, it's more likely that he's very ashamed and can't come to terms with admitting to such "weakness" and/or he's afraid that if you know the truth you'll think (/find out) that he's bad.  

get him some help and hold him accountable .

the best help, if possible, would be in-patient rehab for as long as possible - they say that the longer you go the better the chance of staying in sustained recovery, with the maximum benefit being reached for most people somewhere between 3 and 4 months.  

If in-patient treatment is truly just not an option, all is not lost. there's what they call intensive out-patient treatment and there's always the option of very active membership in NA or AA (which is pretty much a must during and after treatment anyway).  

one way in which i was held accountable in early recovery (extending into years 2 and 3) was very frequent drug screens.  for that first year i was getting them several times a week, such that it was simply not possible for me to use and get away with it (which wouldn't have happened anyway, i might have used and then gone to hell on a rocket, but controlled use that no one finds out about is the one great dream of every addict)

meanwhile, it would help you to start going to Al-Anon meetings.

good luck.

CATUF
1569

[peaceinknowing]

Although it's easier said than done, don't automatically assume that he's using again. The reason I say this to you, is because after about six days of being completely off of the Percocet I was addicted to, I wiped my nose A LOT and my husband approached me and sort of accused me of continuing my use -- when in reality -- I was just going through the withdrawl from the pills. I'm not sure what to tell you about the whole blue coloration of whatever he's wiping on his shirt, but I think you should definately have a heart to heart like IBKleen stated and just be honest and up front with him.

Don't be shy around him either. He's your husband and you have the right to let him know how this is effecting you IF he is still using. Tell him that you're only trying to understand and help, because right now...it's what he needs IF he is coming off of them for good rather than continuing his use like some suspect.

[whitie]

good points............


and besides no one, that I ever heard of, snorts pills that did not have a serious problem

[nic2401]

Im worried becase he never admitted he had a problem he said he could just stop no big deal and I have been watching for signs of withdrawl but really haven't  seen any he did complain about his back he was in a lot of pain but after he went to work and came home he said he was fine. There are also nights were he is just wired he stays up till 2 or 3 in the moring after working a very long day. I have told him that he can be honest and that I am here for him but he said he doesn't have a prblem. I just can't be by his side if he won't let me and im worried he's  continuing his problem and just being more carefull so he doesn't get caught (even though the t-shirts r a little suspicious). Im just really confused.  

[peaceinknowing]

When I was going through the WDs from the pills, I stayed up all the time as well. When you go through detoxic from pain killers, you lack sleep that you used to have when you were on the pills. If you read through some of the other posts here on the forums, you'll see where members complain [because we all have, even myself] about wanting to know when the sleep will finally be coming back to them. It's one of the worse symptoms of going through withdrawl, in my opinion.

Once again, the best option for you right now is to sit down and talk with him about it. Don't come right out and say you think that he's still doing the pills, just talk things through with him and try to figure out where he is in his recovery. Addicts can be amazing liars. How do you think we were able to obtain so many prescriptions throughout our addictive days, you know? Try this and let us know what pans out. I wish you the best of luck, amd you're definately in my prayers right now.

[nic2401]

thank you I will try to talk to him again and see if he will be more open and I will keep u posted.

[taffy1020]

I know about this drug, since it was my drug of choice (Lortab 10/650).  Although I never snorted them, wow are they addicting, as any drug can be. I'm on my third day clean.  My husband is not a drug user, and this is hard for him to understand, as is it for you.  I don't think you should make him choose between the pills and you.  He needs a while to think about things w/o being on the drugs.  Right now IF he is using his brain is "numb" and he might make a decision that he will later regret.  Instead like the other's said, I would sit down and talk to him....seriously.....Remind him of your children, and how much they need him to be around......they need a dad.  They also need a mom and a dad that are happy and have a healthy marriage.  I've been married for nine years, and I was so good at lying to my husband about my drug use.  I needed the pills, and they still consume my every thought.  He also tried to make me choose him or the pills, and it made me resent him more.  Now I try to talk to him as hard as it is....and let him know how I'm feeling.  I wish you the best of luck, and you need to be strong in his moments of weakness.  Also if you could get him around other people that are going through the same thing...that is a HUGE help!!!  There are many WONDERFUL people on here that could help him tremendously!!

[theeagle]

Yes, he is doing them some. There is no other circumstance that causes blue colorization of nasal discharge - - -  Runny noses are a sign of cleaning up also, though. Most likely he is attempting to quit and making the textbook mistakes that most of us made. Trying to taper and still doing some to avoid the inevitable discomfort. There isnt an easy answer for you - - but you have gotten some good advice. Denial (dont even no I am lying) is a problem for all addicts. He will most likely see the light at some point.....but you may be able to influence his decision. I would suggest AlAnon (even offerred online) for you immediately, especially if you have not much knowledge of the whole drug scene yourself.  Knowledge is power with this one....but you must know whats going on to help. Best of luck with your efforts - - it is something that people can recover from ...... but it takes work and discipline from all parties involved.  

[Jules1866]

Hi Nic,

You may want to take everyone advice and the first stage should be you sitting down and having a heart to heart, if he tells you there is no problem and he is just in withdrawls then you should have no reason not to believe him untill he gives you are reason to not believe him.

Once and if you find proof that he is still using, I would confront him with love, kindness and tell him "in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer" I am here for you, we need to work this out, tell me how you want to handle this? (That is what I would say, being an x-vic user) if he confeses then you can set the boundaries to keep him safe.

If he says there is no problem, then you may want to ask him for weekly drug testing, it should not be an issue if he is not using. You may want to begin searching his personal things to see what you find, you may be surprised. You may want to talk to the doctor giving him the drugs and let him know what is going on and the doctor can set up regular check in to bring his pills and count them.

I hope that maybe one suggestion will help you out.....god bless Julie

[nic2401]

Well I tried talking to him I was calm I let him know that no matter what I will be by his side and he still said the same thing "I don't have a problem" he said he quit and its no big deal. I asked about maybe taking a drug test and he said if I made him do that then he didn't want to be with me and that even if he was using he could still pass it (why in the hell would h say that?). Then he went on to saying how its not really illegal (wich is **** because he does not have a prescription) and that everyone does it almost as if he wanted to convince me that it was ok but then went back to saying he quit and doesn't do it. I have no clue, how am I suppose to help him if he continues to lie? And he won't get help or go see a doctor because he says he doesn't have a problem.

[BrightHorizn]

When you figure this out, let me know your secret. In the same exact boat with no oars.

[Jules1866]

Nic,

Its Jules again, dead give away when he first said that he did not have a problem and then he said that even if he was using that it is not illegal (bull******) and then he said that there was no reason for him to drug test and he could pass it anyway even if he was using. Wow!!!! You are at a crossroad in your life, it is only a matter of time before he gets caught at work, on the streets by the cops from buying these illegal or he may hurt you or the kids. If it were me I would purchase a drug test from the drugstore and leave  it on the kitchen table with a letter and say, "I will be at my mothers with the children and since there is no problem with drug testing when you get home you need to call me and I will come to the home alone, we will do the test together and see the results. If you refuse the drug test, then I will be with my parents until you decide between your family and the drugs.

I dont know if you have family that you can stay with? But you cannot stay in the situation that you are in. What if my accident one of your children get ahold of the drug and think it is candy? What if you push him to far and he hits you or one of the kids? Or the kids could find him overdosed. You need to put yourself and the children first and you need backup (family)

I am praying for you, keep us all posted! Jules

[ginsa]

The advice to get involved with Al ANON really is a good jumping off point for you. You will learn things there about how you can aviod being an enabler. It gets to a point with an addict that the more you talk about the problem, the more they are empowered in thinking that they have you bamboozled. The only way to send a clear message to an addict is to act. Addicts are master manupulators. Help yourself with the support and tools you can get from Al Anon.

[ginsa]

Oh, and do what you have to do calmly and firmly. Don't get sucked into any drama about it. It will just allow him to shift the blame for his situation on you.

Best wishes. Gins

[Axl_0113]

Nic- he's still using. No doubt about it.

I don't know if I would put him in a situation where he has to pick between you or the drugs though.  Addicts dont think right.  They will choose the drug over ANYTHING in life.  I know from experience.  It's not that I didn't love my wife, or my kids, but when it comes to the drug, it comes before anything.  And dont take that the wrong way...I'm positive that he loves you and the kids, but if he can't admit that he has a problem, then he's not ready to deal with it.  If you put him in a position to choose, then he will more than likely choose the wrong choise right now. He's sick and he's not thinking clearly.
Support him.  Keep talking to him. Keep pleading with him.  Trust me...  In the back of his mind, he KNOWS that he has a problem.  He knows it!  If he has ever tried to quit before, then he knows he has a problem.  Just please keep supporting him.  It will mean soooo much for him to know that you are behind him on this, when he does finally come around.  Keep us posted.  Much love..

[nic2401]

I am just in a bad situation I don't have a job and we have 2 small children. I left him about three weeks ago when everything came out and what he doesn't know is that my very close relative told me that they use to get each other pills and she told me how much he does it, now he doesn't know that and I think that's why he's trying to get away with saying he doesn't have a prob. but after I left for a few days he swore on our marriage that he would stop but I kept finding the stuff on his shirt and that's when I came here to try and find some help. I could leave again but financialy with two kids im not in the best position to, plus it didn't work the first time. I am at a loss right now and I tried asking him again if he has been using any pills and of corse he said no I keeping hopeing he will just be honest and he won't. I think if I can get the money I will buy a drug test I just worry he will flip out on me and kick me out.  

[Jules1866]

Ok, plan b......church, do you belong to church? You may want to begin going to church along with  your Al ANON meetings. I would begin to pray everyday and every nite for your husband and your family. maybe your husband will even begin to come. I know that deep down inside he knows that he has a problem just like Axl said above. You also need to strengthen yourself as far as, how old are your children? i know you cannot work with 2 small children, but think about when they begin kindergarden, you may want to begin to work and put money away so you never feel trapped again. I learned the hard way........also, who handles all of the money in your home? I am sure he is paying for these drugs? it sounds like you do love him? right? how old are the kids? trying to help.....you can tell me to hush if you want to...jules

[nic2401]

Well we use to go to church for a little while but then we stopped sundays r his only day off. I would like to go back and I have been praying. Ya one child is actually in pre-K and the other just turned 2 I have been trying to find a job just incase things keep going down hill and I am 24yrs old. I hate to say this but Im not real sure why I love him anymore he has been lying to me for the past five yrs and continues to lie plus we have had other problems he is NEVER home he owns his own business sometimes he doesn't get home till 10 or even 12 at night and he doesn't exactly make the effort to spend time with me when he has the opportunity he usually just lays around and sleeps. Oh and he handles all the financial stuff I asked the other night if I could help budget our money because bills are always late and he said no he pretty much doesn't want me to see what he makes and where it goes. And he doesn't know this but I know one person he gets his drugs from and he just got a call from him this is killing me! Oh and jules the questions are ok :) I really appreciate all of the help and support I have gotten here.

[Jules1866]

Nic,

I think you need to decide if you love him and want to stay with him, even if the answer is no, you may want to just stay in the home with the children until you build up your support system.

Church, you meet people and you will make friends.You may confide in your priest and ask him if he knows of anyone going thru the same thing as you or has gone thru it.

As for your husband, I am pretty sure he is still using and as many people have said that if you push him he will lie, tell you there is no problem and as long as him does not hit you or the children you will just have to watch for signs of using.

if you know who one of his suppliers is, why havent you dropped an anomynis call yet? if you cant get thru to your husband, they maybe you can get thru to his supplier thru the proper channels, never endanger yourself. you could drop a call not giving your name to the police department to watch this person giving the drugs.

do you have any family member around that are helpful? I know that some would help and some are useless???   praying for you in church in the morning. (trust me that i am not some holier than thou) but i have seen gods work and he is real and he will help you ....hang in there....jules

[jt808]

sry to hear about this and i may be way off and out of line but ths may be a blessing in disguise from the way it sounds u are being treated and neglected by the father of ur children i mean he doesnt sem to even care but like i said and i am sry if im way outta line but as a outsider looking in just from the few thngs tht u say he does or doesnt do is just not the way a loving relationship goes. well i really hope that u do what is best for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN and if u need to talk just ask ill be mor thn willing to help.  and once again sry if im out of line

[NautyOne]

He is still using.  Blue snot never lies......unless he is a smurf, he is still snorting them.  be very careful how you confront this.  As Gins said....somehow he may very well find a way to turn it all around on you, make you crazy cause you know blue on his shirt is not normal.  He may lie, but don't let him make you lose sight of the fact that he is still using......

luv,
Nauty........

[nic2401]

I would love to make a call about his dealer but unfortunately I don't even know his last name and I can't say anything to my husband bc he doesn't know I know about him. I really want this to work and I even asked about seeing a counseler just for our marriage and he said NO. I think I will stay at home and once I can get on my own two feet I might surprise him with a drug test and if he fails or refuses to take it I will probably leave him. Does anyone know how accurate the test are?

[theeagle]

If you want to make that call about his dealer all you need is his phone number......the police will know what to do and take it from wherever you leave off after that.  Just dont get personally involved and do not EVER let hubby know that you made that call.  

You also need to establish those personal boundaries - - but its highly likely that he will wake up and quit at some point here...... establish plans of action for several hypothetical responses.  Remember - - once you burn this bridge with divorce action or something similar it will be highly unlikely that you can reverse your decision.  And he will be the father of your children no matter what you do or when you do it - - -  I would hate to see you having difficulties even after he straightens out from the narcotics......  If you are at all conflicted about your choices, leave yourself an out.....

[Jules1866]

Nic,

I think you are on the right track with your plan! And I agree with Theeagel when they said to just give the police the phone number and they will find his dealer and possibly stop the selling of drugs.

I think that you are wise to quietly strenghthen yourself with a job and network of people to help you out....also remember that if you ever did really need to leave him (and I am not a fan of divorce unless someone is knocking the **** out of you) but if you do need to leave him, remember that there are public services that will help you out there while you get on your feet. Like the medical card for you and kids for health insurance and child support for the kids and medicaid, but I hope it does not come to divorce.

You are on the right track, I will google the drug tests from the drug store and let you know how accurate they are.......I did pray for you in church today. hang in there girl.....jules

[loki123]

hi there,

Before you give him the ultimatum, can you answer a couple of questions? Was something changing in the way he is acting? Was he missing work or being unjustifiably angry with the kids? Has he always kept you from the financial information? I lost my wife in a similar situation, even though I had checked myself into rehab to try to prevent her from leaving. The extra pressure she was putting on me actually gave me reason to keep using the pills, since i wasn't ready to quit. We both no know we made a mistake in giving up on each other. I accept much of the blame, but she also says she should have hung on longer then she did.
   She thought leaving me would have made the difference, would have forced me into rehab. It did, but I resented her for leaving me and it that resentment corrupted my ability to patch things up. I couldn't handle staying clean, working clean and trying to romance her back into my life. What he needs now is your support, not ultimatums. Write him a letter explaining how you feel, how you will hang on for as long as you can, and ask him to be strong for your family.
   If the marriage was doomed anyways, and I think you know whether it is or not, then protect yourself by buying sometime to get finanically ready to leave him. Who knows, maybe in that time he will see the light and reach out for help. Mainly, don't make him choose between the family or the drugs, because he truly isn't ready to amke that choice. Don't interfere with his dealings in regards to the drug dealer because the police will take your husband down along with the dealer. You can never, ever trust a police officer.
   Being addicted to pain killers is like walking around Mars with an oxygen tank. You are always worried you will run out, whether the doc or in this case the dealer will run out of replacement tanks. It's not just the withdrawals, but for most people, taking these medicines fixed something inside his head, something that has been hurting him for as long as he can remember. It is so hard to give up something that makes you feel normal or happy knowing what it was like before you tried the drug. This issue is far more complicated then it appears on the surface. Have mercy on him, but be strong for yourself at the same time.
  If you know you are an enabler, try to stop as much of that behavior as possible without pushing him away. If you don't know what enabling is, go to Al-anon. they will be happy to explain.

[nic2401]

Ya I don't know the # he calls on the cell and my husband won't let me touch his phone. I definitely don't want to divorce but I don't know what to do if he doesn't put some effort in it. I try to be supportive and understanding but he will not be honest with me and I don't want to sound mean but when u have two amazing kids and a loving wife why can't u make one sacrifice for them and quit or get help? Im sure it is a very hard thing to do but shouldn't ur family be worth it. And im not trying to push him but when he works 6 days a week till at least 9 at night and we still can't pay the bills bc his money is going "else where" its just not fair especially to our kids he could spend a lot more time with them if he didn't have an expensive habit. This is just frustrating, its like all of the sudden my world is spinning out of control. And I can go to my parents if things get bad but they already have my sister and her daughter living there so it would be a little crowded. I don't know hopefully I will find a job just incase things don't go right. And thanks for the support and prayers jules.

[Jules1866]

Nic,

Things will be ok,you have a good head on your shoulders, take a few deep breaths and just watch him for a few days and pay attention to his behavior.

I was taking 3-8 vics per day, 60 mg of time release morphin and anything else I could get my hands on. I am a vp of marketing for my firm, 3 kids, my parents living beside of me, my brother in law just overdosed on herion and NO ONE ever knew what was going on with me!!! So what i am saying is that you can still be taking alot of drugs and still function in life, to great extents!!!

with myself, I was not ready to quit until i told my husband and for the most part he understood. So things you may want to know about addicts......we will take meds to get high (we are escaping something in life) maybe our job, stress, bills, family, kids or ill family members. So if I was having extra work dumped on my desk I would pop a few vics, or if the kids were being kids and driving me crazy that I would pop some more and before i new it i had to keep poping them just to feel normal. it is a vicious cycle.

Your husband will eventually come to terms with his habit and he will need you. If you do tell him that it is you or the drug test, this will be a reason for him to go for the drugs even more. I know you cannot live your life in fear of upsetting him and he will turn to drugs everytime he gets upset but I am trying to help you understand what you are up against.

The drugs will win until he is ready to not be a prisoner to them anymore.

Please just hang in there, take care of you and the kids, begin looking for a job and build up yourself so you can take care of you and your little ones.

jules

[nic2401]

This just ***** and last night he blew up on me over something stupid and this morning acted like everything was fine.(he does that all the time and expects me to just sit there and be ok) I have been trying to watch his behavior and its pretty much like a roller coaster one min. he is happy the next he is angry then he just wants to sleep all the time and some nights he will stay up to 1 or 2 in the morning. And of course every day I find the crusty stuff on his shirts and they have been blue, yellow or white (not sure what the white is) And when we first started dating I walked in on him snorting a line (he use to do cocaine plus pills) and I told him I didn't want to be with someone who does that, he could have just let me go then, but instead he swore he would stop and now 5 yrs later he is still doing it in 5yrs he hasn't wanted to quit how is he ever going to want to? I just don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying that he's on pills. He is stubborn and proud, I  don't see him going to rehab or getting help. I don't want to be negative about this I want to be supportive and patient but I just don't know if I can sit and watch him throw our money away until he's  ready to stop. Maybe if he could be honest with me I would me more willing to wait and I have done my best to let him know that's its ok to tell me. This is just confusing and I never pictured our life going this way.

[Jules1866]

Nic,

you are in a tough spot, I am not sure what is the best thing for you to do other then just strenghten yourself while watching your husbands behavior and actions.

I know you are frustrated and feel lonely, but you will be ok.....

if you do decide to leave him you will have support from your family and friends.

Keep posting what you see in his behavior so we can help you figure it out.

hang in there jules!

[loki123]

Sorry for the long post but,


You have answered my questions about his behavior. I was wondering if it had gotten worse recently. When this abrupt change, or a noticeable increase in the bad behavior may mean he has upped his habit or changed to something stronger. The fact that he will NOT let you see the money info, and the fact that he is not paying the bills on time tells me you are in trouble.
  If it was just the anger and distance between you I would say to hold on. It is getting worse, especially with you being aware of the problem now. Pressing him more and more will absolutely do nothing at this point, I feel. This is why I suggested the letter. Now may be the time to back it up with action. Maybe a week away to start? It will help if you give him a date when you will be coming back so it doesn't seem like you are giving him the big ultimatum, just a significant one. I suggest a letter so you don't have to listen to him lie and he doesn't have a chance to talk you out of it. If the letter is clear and concise he will not be able to read into it.
  Setting rules and guidelines will help if you stick to them.  When my wife started to do these things to me, I didn't take them serious until I started seeing the evidence she was serious. In my case it was the appraiser who came to the house so she could start the divorce proceedings. Boy that shook me and I went right into rehab.
  In your case, perhaps getting a job? This is something you need to do anyways since he has control of the money and there probably isn't any to spare. Things that show you are serious, but do not indicate you are leaving him permanently will help him think about the consequences. Don't worry about knowing what all of the streaks on his shirt mean. It really doesn't matter. He is using and is out of control. Same thing with the drug test. It's just another attempt to get him to admit it, and he is not ready to do that yet.
  Either way, I don't think you can stay and wait it out. You may not be able to force him to admit to anyone, including himself that he has a problem. You can make him realize that you ARE going to do something about his behavior since he won't talk about it. Nobody has blue snot. The curious thing is that he doesn't try to hide that from you. I wonder why that is. Maybe he just really doesn't care. When my wife threatened to leave, I was so overcome by the meds that i really only cared about losing my lifestyle. It's cold, but then I had no soul back them. I hope this helps and I keep you in my thoughts.

[Axl_0113]

I hate to be so negative...but you can't usually make an addict quit.  They have to want to get clean on their own.  For most people, they have to hit a "rock bottom" to finally snap out of the drug indused coma that they are in, and see things for what they are.  Now, Im not sure what his rock bottom would be, but maybe he hasn't reached it yet.  Im not saying you should leave him....I guess I am just saying be patient, but yet persistant.

And the white stuff on his shirts is probably pill dust too.

[nic2401]

wow today was a bad day my husband is angry he got mad because dinner wasn't ready when he stopped by our house B4 going back to work then he was saying he has absolutely no money and maybe we should cancle our cable and then he told me not to be mad he's having a bad day. Im wondering if he's  mad because he doesn't have money to buy pills? And I think he leaves the marks on his shirt because he has no idea I check them he has always done his own laundry and I always put his shirts back the way I found them.Uh im just so mentally exhausted. I think as soon as I get a job I will write him a letter and say if he's  ready to admit he has a problem then im here for him but he has to get some kind of help and if he doesn't want to admit or if he is just not ready to (which seems to be the case) then im going to leave and when he is ready I will come back and be by his side. Does that sound ok? Im sorry for being all crazy and emotional and going back and forth but I really and can't even begin to desrcibe how thankful I am for everyone's  advice and information.

[Jules1866]

Hi Nic,

That sounds like a perfect plan for you and the kids. you are putting you and the kids first and realizing that he first has to be ready to admit there is a problem and you are still willing to come back and support if he does finally admit and wants to get clean.

that is what you need to do for yourself, if you stay where you are it is only going to get worse and worse.

i am happy you have finally figured it out! keep posting, we are all here for you.....jules

[loki123]

  I think that is a good plan. If possible, try to avoid the whole confrontation when you leave. Drug addicts are very clever in convincing those who love them to keep enabling them. I totally feel for the guy and I wish I could transfer all my knowledge to him so he will see what he is risking, It must be very hard for you to understand how he can choose the drugs over his family. There is little you can do at this point, but take care of your family and, of course, yourself. It is very important that he knows you are not leaving him permanently and your letter will make that clear. My thoughts are with you. Try to be strong, for him and for you. Please keep us posted.

[HideandSeek]

Nic~
I am just catching up on all of the recent posting and I have to say I feel for you and your children.  I completely agree w/ the others on this post in the fact that an addict will most likely choose the drugs over you and the family. Sad but true.  You have to know that it has NOTHING to do with you, you aren't in the wrong here.  I have to say I think you are very strong and brave.

While I myself do not have a husband or any children of my own I did do this to my family - mom, dad and sister, who I am very close with and her children, who are the most important things in my life. I spend a ton of time with them and they are like my own children.  I was so deep in my addiction that nothing else mattered, just my pills.  I can't even imagine how that would make someone feel nor the financial burden it causes on a family. My scripts were all covered by insurance and it was still expensive. A little history -  I was getting over 240 vic and/or percs along with 240 soma, a very addictive muscle relaxer.  And of course I would constantly run out early every month. Sometimes they would be gone less than a week.  I know that my family had had it with me and would often try to tell me that they didn't want anything to do with me until I was clean. I get that now but really at that moment I didn't care.  The more they left me alone the more I had time to use and not hear about it.  While I do not think it is okay that your husband treat you and your children like this I too am afraid if you threaten to leave he will only turn to the drugs even more.  Especially if you are only gone for a short periods of time.  To me that would just be more time to be "alone" with my habit. It can cause an addict feeling abandoned by the people who should love them the most so in turn to not feel that pain, we numb it with the pills. Yes, I agree that this is a complete double standard as you have to be feeling very alone and angry.  It is def not fair to you or your little ones. I do not think you should have to go thru life feeling this way and really hope things change soon.  You are in an extremely tough spot and I am glad you are sharing so you can get some advice and sort through your thoughts and feelings as they are very valid.  I think the ppl on here have given some great advice and I do hope that your husband "wakes" up and begins to work on himself so that your family can be put back together.  Try and hang in there and I too will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[HideandSeek]

One other thing in addition to my extremely long post (sorry).

I also itch my nose like crazy when I am using, sounds like others do it when w/d but for me it is when I am using and I also become very angry and aggressive.  I think his behavior, itchy nose, frequent bouts of excessive sleeping along w/ the blue crusties pretty much point to the direction that he is still using, but I think you already figured that out.

[nic2401]

Well I had a talk with him last night he started by telling me someone gave him a pill for depression but it made him sick. So I asked him to be honest and that I am here for him and if he was still snorting or taking pills and he said that he did have a hard time quitting and he did take pills last week, that he wanted to do it on his own with no help and that last weekend when he slept for 3 days straight was him having w.d's and that he has quit. I really want to believe him but on his shirt from monday (when he said he quit) there was still crusty stuff on his shirt. Im really not sure what to think I don't know if he's lying again or maybe he's  still trying to quit and just doesn't want me to know? But why tell me he's  using at all? Im a little confused. I also brought up the finace thing again and told him that I was worried about how much he spends on the pills and he said he buys them but I guess sells them to make his money back. I don't know about that either. Im glad he was honest and I showed him that I wouldn't flip out about it and told him that he can tell me if he ever has a problem or feels like he needs them again. Im trying to stay positive but im still a little worried.

[loki123]

  It's progress. Now you see why I tried to convince you to not call the cops. He would have gone down with the dealer. He is starting to talk to you about it, which is a huge step. Unfortunately, now you know he is selling pills to support his habit. This now becomes a balancing act. You have to stay strong for him, but also make sure you and the others are safe and secure. I know you want to be sure of everything, and want him to tell all, but give him some time. If he improves in any way, reward him. If he goes in the other direction, keep a log to show him at a later date.
  Patterns will surface. If you see the blue streaks you know what he is doing. It's going to be one day at a time from here on out. Be ready to leave according to your plan, but also be ready to stay if he continues to bring you into his addict world. This may seem confusing, and I am so sorry you are going through this alone. We will be here either way. These are all just my opinion and others might have better ones. I am just drawing from my own experience.

[Some_life1976]

hey i have been following your posts and i am sorry your going through this! my husband had no idea i was useing for 3 years! when he cought me i thought he was going to take the kids and leave but he did not! he stayed with me and helped me though the worst of it but i did start useing again he never new i am on day 8 clean! but anyway the things he did to make sure i am not useing are i have no accuess to money if he leaves money i have to have reciptes for what i spent he checks my phone on the internet everyday to see who i called i know it sounds extrem and at first i was pissed but i did this i destoryed the trust and its what i need to do to prove to him that i am done oh i also called my doc and told him. just knowing i couldnt get any even if i wanted to helps! And it makes him feel better knowing theres no way i could maybe you too need to talk about about doing something like this even for just awhile like i said at first i was pissed i thought he was treating me like a child but i needed that and its not all bad i want my family and will do what it takes to keep them good luck

[nic2401]

When we had that little talk I asked who his dealers were and he got upset he only gave me two names but he said he gets it from a lot of different people. Oh and his shirts still have the marks on them so I know he's not being honest. I just really don't think he will let me check his phone and show me where all his money goes. Im really scared that he's  not ready to quit and I don't know how much longer I can sit back and watch him do this to himself and our family.

[Some_life1976]

you cant hun my husband made it very clear it was going to be done is way without fighting about or he was leaveing with the boys! i hated it i felt like a child but thats what it took to keep my family and quit the pills. you have hard choices to make! i loved my family enough to go through the thrid dagree every time i left the house alone. he did what he needed to , to make sure it would never happen again and i was in no place to dissagree i made the mess he help me clean it up. good luck

[loki123]

We haven't heard from you for a long time. Can you give me an update?