I thought I'd made it

[new2thisAZ]

- and then I didn't. I relapsed today. I went through w/d and my at-home detox 6 days. And then 60 Vicodin fell into my lap. And I took 1. And hid the rest in the house.

How could I think this is a good idea? I had a terrible w/d experience when I went cold turkey, a milder but miserable w/d experience last week - I finally started to see the light and... I popped a pill today. REALLY?!

Does this EVER get easier? I don't want to be dependent. I don't want to be looking for my next fix. So how could I fall so fast?

[new2thisAZ]

A final thank you to all. And I really mean it - to each and every one of you. You have all provided me something I could learn from and that will make me get one step closer to beating this disease.

However, I'll be signing out now and requesting my account be deleted. I need to find other ways to begin coping.

On top of that, I just found out I'm being relocated by my job to another state, so needless to say, there are about a million things I've got to focus on. Staying clean to pass the drug tests is only one of the minor things. Oh yes, and this comes on a very tragic anniversary of death for someone extremely influential in my life. She wasn't my biological mother but she played the part. Brilliantly.

In my own special way, I love each of you. And I thank you. Part of me wants to commit to check in and continue here, but I think it's becoming more work than help. I used to look forward to logging in, reading, posting - but now I find it exhausting and like a chore. I'm also not feeling like I'm gaining as much as I used to - NOT because of the people (you are all wonderful), just overall. So it's time to get out from behind the computer and make it work. Don't know what that is going to look like.... but it'll be something.

For my last report: I'm free of narcotics and opiates since my lapse last weekend... so I'm somewhere around day 5. Had made it almost 27 days before that, and 20 before that. I have nothing in the house or stashed except for a prescription of Ambien which I'm using every night. My dr is aware and next visit I'll ask him about those... but for now, they're helping.

So. My very best to each of you. You make such a difference, you may not even know.

[gnarly_1]

Hey .....well keep reading the books there is more then one way to skin a cat .....it not that you cant get well its just going to be harder on you....one thing this forum has tought me is patience so will work with you the best we can ....on the postive side of things your smart
your willing to admit it a problem and know its going to require work to get past it.....look your a nurse you make good money take the money you wold be spending on pills and put it tords a substance abuse conslor....like you said do it privately it blows that you have to do it that way but I totally understand you not wanting to mess up you job records the money you spend will be the best investment you can make right now....the last thing you need is a random  u/a  and have pills show up.....I know how bad that would be it happened to another nurse that was a member they made it nearlly imposible for her to keep her license so you invest a grand in yourself in the long run you will come out ahead...keep reading on the forum you will learn a ton here ....post when your weak or craving we all want to see you make it....good luck and God bless.....Gnarly    

[new2thisAZ]

Thanks all. I knew I was in trouble on the 31st, too.

Gnarly: I've read lots of book on the topic. Have four right now that I'm reading on my Kindle. A local public local meeting is absolutely not going to happen while I'm in my current job and role. Not trying to dismiss the importance of one, but trying to be extremely honest and not pretend it might happen. Absolutely agree I'm an addict, no doubt about that.


Considering going to 1 on 1 counseling and paying out of pocket. I don't want that ICD-9 code of addict on my record. I know, I know, I know everyone wants to promote it's a disease and it's confidential - but I work in the field. And I organize nurses - and we DO find out this information and we DO use it in our decisions, whether or not we can disclose it.

A total job change is always an option, I suppose, but not one I'm willing to entertain right now. That could be an excuse and a mistake, but that's where I'm at.

Feeling fortunate that I'm not having heavy duty withdrawals from last weekend. Putting together an absolutely ridiculous schedule of events for this weekend to keep me running and busy - exhausted just thinking about it.

I hate this whole process. It's frustrating, exhausting, cyclical, and just plain blows.

[dominosarah]

There is no happy ending with this addiction.  Those pills are giving you a false sense of security and will soon ruin everything you have.  I hope and pray you find your way out of this.  Using is only a symptom of what is going on with you.  Get the help you need.  You are worth it~~~sara

[gnarly_1]

HEY GIRL ......so your going to learn the hard way.....I new you where in trouble when you posted on the 31st.......did you by a good book on addiction yet ?? you know phx has a good n/a meeting at night outside up at north mountain thay have a fire pit and everything plus it dark except under the pavilion but theres plenty of places you could sit and blend in with the scenery ...I know you not crazy about going but you just may have to come out of your comfort zone to get past all of this.......I only have know you for a month or so but your posts scream addict out loud you really need to treat this b/4 it bits you in the a s s
I agree with julie time to pick yourself up dust yourself off and move on it took guts to post this today so I know you got what it takes all I got to do is convince you.........Gnarly  

[jewlz2626]

Your so right! I have days where I lose my patience, and that's when I try to find something to make me happy (besides pills) or it will drive me insane. So you buying lottery tickets (I do too) eating more, etc. is all healthier than pills, just remember that! Like you said about the weekend, thats exactly what gnarly speaks of, to stay busy because idle minds will wander to those dark places! I can't wait to start classes again, school, studying, etc. so that will help me some! I want to go into my volunteer hours & clinicals clean as a whistle! I've postponed my volunteer hours until I have some energy, so I am trying to patiently wait for some, but it feels like its taking forever! So I keep repeating the word "patience" to myself, the constant reminder to myself helps some :)

[new2thisAZ]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I WISH I *could* say they made me feel bad... but they didn't. It was wonderful. Energizing. All the good things that got me hooked in the 1st place.

Nevertheless, I want to be pill-free. The 10 were just enough to give me the good stuff without enough of the bad and the longer term issues... at least I realize that. Today is going on day 4 clean again - I was extremely lucky to only have about a day of mild detox symptoms. I'm restless and tired, but it's not overwhelming. And it's about to be my time of the month, so those symptoms are to be expected anyway. Heh, so maybe I don't have any detox symptoms at all.

Either way. I do want to be free of this disease. I figure I'm in for more cravings and I think I'll always WANT to be using. I need more of that patience you speak of Julie. :-)

It's funny in a not funny way. I expected myself to be mad-pill-craving when I had to put in all the extra hours and was insane at work. But it wasn't until the weekend and I had time to take a breath that I fell down. I guess I just really need to keep myself very, very busy. How exhausting. Especially when I don't have the desire or energy to begin with.

What a vicious cycle.

On top of the use, my other addictive behaviors are screaming for attention. I've gained and lost the same 30 pounds at least four times in the last year. I'm in the gain stage now and I can't seem to shut my mouth. I'm spending more than usual on lottery tickets. It's not out of control, but it's unusual. I used to be an exercise freak, but that's the one addictive behavior that ran out on me - I WISH I had the energy and desire to take that back up. I find myself buying things I don't need. Luckily, I can afford a few splurges - but it all seems like a pattern to me. It all says I'm not in control of myself. I'm sure most people feel the same way if they're like this, but I hate it. I'm a control-freak about most things, so it's an extremely uncomfortable realization.

Sorry for the ramble. I should be working. And I'm slacking off. That's something else that is unusual. I'm a workaholic that's lost her mo jo. What an awful, crazy, sad ride.

[jewlz2626]

Aw well don't beat yourself up honey, we are all human, just dust your self off & do it for good this time! Now that you know how bad you feel for taking them, just remember that next time! It will help push you! It's not worth it. I still, 36 days in, am lacking energy, but I know the day will come when my normalcy is back. We didnt aquire this addiction in a few days, so it wont go away quickly, it takes patience. Keep your head up! Julie

[new2thisAZ]

Resetting my ticker... you know what that means.

10 Vicodin sought out and taken last weekend.

[gnarly_1]

hang in there try to get your mind off the pills exorsize go for a walk I know its hot out but even around the block might help.....turn up ther music and go on a cleaning spree you need to get out of the idle mode here YOU CAN DO THIS just dont give in its times like this that they invented aftercare for......get that book and start reading!!!!...........Gnarly

[new2thisAZ]

Checking in sooner is now - 'cause I AM TEMPTED as heII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG. From nowhere: was doing fine, then BLAM! It's like being back on day 5 or 6 - all I can think about is how much less bored/irritable/tired I'd be if I just found a pills and popped them.  Holy crap!

[gnarly_1]

YOU DID great under stress now come idle time this is when your head can mess with you remember GUARD UP......your going to be fine just dont grow complacent get a good book on addiction and start to read it knowledge is a powerful tool hang in there and congrats on your clean time.......Gnarly

[219angels]

I just spent the past couple hours reading this entire thread. Congrats to you!! I'm so glad you haven't let ur addiction get the best of you! I'm a month clean tomorrow!! I feel fine. I now realize that I have always had the power to stop its all in ur mind. Looking at the dates, u should be done with ur 16hour days very soon!!

Honestly I wrote my own thread and have been so selfish in my recovery, tht I haven't taken the time to read thru others thread tht are going thru the exact same feelings n issues. I'll have to read thru these more often. Enjoy your weekend!!!! Take care and congrats on being clean. :)

[new2thisAZ]

WHEW!

Almost made it through the work-craziest two weeks of my life. I'm looking forward to this weekend where I can take a breath. Of course, that also means I'm going to need to be hyper-vigilant and guard, guard, guard against temptation. But I'm thrilled to say I've made it so far!

I will check in again after the weekend, and sooner if I become concerned about a potential fall. Hope everyone is doing well!

[tryingtocope39]

Good girl! You're doing awesome! Really proud of you, keep it up!

[new2thisAZ]

Hello, All!! Typing on my actual computer this time, so should be at least a little more eloquent!!

Hanging strong, nutso busy with work and new responsibilities. Stress if over the top, but too tired to do anything but get through it all and collapse into bed.

Yay me!

[gnarly_1]

HEY GIRL good to see you post.....dont like what im reading about taking a pill to relax THATS NOT AN OPTION and it is addictive thinking....remember I told you you would have to change the very way you think this is the kind of stuff im talking about the pills KILL lead to institutions and jails mabe not one but very few addicts can take just one and even if you get away with it it will mess with your head the failure and shame comes in DONT DO IT
we all get these feelings I even had them last week but it what we do with them that makes or breaks us your doing great your under a lot of stress and managing but I always watch for the red flags because a relapse starts days ahead of time when we start romancing the thought of using.......hang in there you can do this but dont treat your self to a pill cocktail
good luck and God bless......Gnarly  

[new2thisAZ]

Congrats on day 4! I'm still clean and busy as hell with work. Crazy work demands but I.m xtepping up to all of them. Typing on my smart phone so not very good with the typing. Anyway. Still clean! Still having occassional thoughts about how I deserve to relax and taking just 1 won't hurt... resisting now. Now off to bed for a 4am get up and busy day. Hope all are well.

[dkny_ny]

Hi :).  I wanted to check in.  I am on day 4.  Ive been weaning.  Im down to about 5 mg oxys per day. I am dying to snap a pll in half and take it cause i cant sleep.  i took a .5 xanax like my doc thinks that does anything for me and just snapped another .5 in half and im hoping it will put me to sleep. the pain is going away. i just now feel it in my ankles but enough to keep me up.  this soooooooooooooo *****.  i am so really glad to hear that you are doing good.  Keep it up you know we cant wish this type of uncomfortability on our worst enemies.  should be done to terrible prisoners make them addicted to high doses of opiates and then stop them ct over and over again. what to do about my ankles?

[tryingtocope39]

I'm glad to hear you're doing well. keep up the good work!

[new2thisAZ]

Hi, All. Thanks for your questions and checking in!

I'm doing GREAT! I actually feel like my old, pre-pill self! I know it may not last, but I'm taking it for what it is right now.

I've started to realize my pill abuse started months ago, almost a year now - at the same time my work life slowed down and I became bored overall. Prior to that, while I'm aware of my addictive tendencies, I had never abused a drug, alcohol, or anything. It's been an interesting, sad year to say the least.

So as much as I was dreading this crazy upswing of workload, it's been good. I thrive on chaos. I feel needed. It's helping that the physical w/d have abated. But my mind is starting to shift some. It's actually the first time in months that I don't wake up and go to sleep thinking about a pill.

So, doing well. Really well. Hope it lasts. You may hear less from me as I begin taking back my life. The long work days will continue, and I'm going to being training for a biathalon. I'm also getting rid of my cable. If I have any free time, it's going to be spent in training or with my family.

I will continue to check in, but less frequently unless I see some yellow flags.

I cannot tell you how helpful you all have been, and continue to be. Thank you so much.

[gnarly_1]

HI HOW goes it ....its never any good when we dont here from someone you still hanging in there you got a lot on your plat kinda the fire and ice test hope you make it.....Gnarly

[tryingtocope39]

Hey, girl! How you doing today?

[gnarly_1]

HI stress itself is not so much the problem as is coping with it ......as addicts we have always relied on pills for that coping mechanism you need to learn to funnel the stress away in constitutive ways ....hard exersize is always good workout till you drop it really does help
prayer or meditation is a good way ......I had my burdens over to God to keep daily
the key here is to know your limits and operate on the principals of H.A.L.T ....Hungry Angry
lonely Tired when any one of those is bothering you your at risk.....repeate after me
'' I will do nothing to put myself at risk ''....this is your life where talking about and if you mess this up you very well be on the list of nurses that need addiction consoling congrats on 14 days put in to practice the stuff we tell you and you got a shot at making it out of this.....never forget your adversary is cunning baffling and powerful and you are powerless to it remember GUARD UP keep pushing forward there are lots of good books out on addiction I know your time is limited but an hr in a book a week will help you gain a uper hand on this and remember pills are not part of a reward system for hard work when the work is done and you want to relax it just cant be an option your doing great lets keep it that way im proud of you your making it one day at a time good luck and God bless.....Gnarly