I walk around like i got an 'S' on my chest!

I feel good today and although I may not have any Superpowers I do feel like I can take on the world today. Its crazy... I'm sitting in a train station right now in the south of france waiting for my train and I see alot of people hanging around here that surely spent the night here and equally sure are looking for their next fix. Although I never have been so low I cant help but think that had I continued and continued down this destructive path ...could I be somehow looking at myself in a 'this could have been you' mirror? ' as well as 'this can be you if you ever do that again!'  so crazy to feel so good and powerful today but on the other hand I am forced to confront my addiction everywhere I turn.

[jngemera]

confronting addictionsaren't always a bad thing because you always run into reminders of why its good to stay away from the cause

[rizboy]

nice one!get your weapon were going into battle and we will fight to the bitter end!!we will never surrender!!!!!!

[MikeInFrance]

Never surrender.... Take no prisoners.... I was held as one for too long! It was an eye opener though. I have seen the same scenario so often in my past but today I really looked at it ...at the people I saw... In a whole different light. I wanted to try to help but whg could I do? Rhetorical but seriously if someone had ever stepped to me in the height of my using I wouldn't have paid them any attention so I know firsthand how important getting that fix is to them. The only thing they want to hear from me is if I have a bit of change for them for 'food' . Funny but I was always the person (still am) that when I was asked for money in that situation I would always offer to buy them something to eat and sometimes I'd see the disappoinent on their faces that I would spend 5€ on them but not put money in their hands. My entire perspective has changed this morning and it continues to change each day for the better. Being more aware of your surroundings is a good thing and being cognizant of all that happens behind the scenes is so valuable a lesson to learn and to understand my own addiction issues.

[rizboy]

couldnt have put it better myself, i have a simaliar outlook i see people on drugs as lost souls looking for a place to get better,you can see the hurt in there eyes the pain.its a sad sad place to be!were on the other side looking in and its a beautiful place a happy, pain free place.all the best for your day ahead.chris

[MikeInFrance]

Yeah ... definately in the eyes.... You can see so much.... They really tell a story about a person ... Especially someone in that type of situation. It's so sad because even though I may not know them , i do know what they need. I can totally understand now why so very many former users stay on and make a career in this field of helping others. It's as much for their own recovery as it is for helping people only they (us) can truly understand.

[MikeInFrance]

Back home and still feeling great! Moving around ad keeping busy is so critical for me at this stage. Aftercare is what I am missing though. So far it's just here and you all which I wouldn't trade for anything right now.... Such a supportive community overall for the most part! Love it! Still facebooking more but totally different subjects.

[rizboy]

been to see drugs workers myself who aint a clue whats goin off.its quite frustrating sometimes.No NA in le france? just getting into this site but so far so good.

[MikeInFrance]

I will go to NA if I don't find some good one-on-one counseling like I am (semi) trying to do. My French is not so good yet so it's a bit difficult. Working alot on the physical reconditioning each day now. Especially cuz I am eating so dam much these past weeks. Like unbelievably much!

[rizboy]

yeh know what your saying with the food.peanut butter on toast oorrr i cant get enough.my waist line is getting out of control it aint funny anymore

[MikeInFrance]

And I never really had a weight problem or even thought about it. If clothes ever got a bit tight I ate less. Lol  and I prob lost 8kilos in the last year but I surely put on more than 10 in the last month.  I guess I was eating alot and not moving so much in the beginning but now I am back to pretty normal routines again so hopefully it gets better. I still have a huge appetite that wasn't there before... Don't get me wrong..I love food but it seems now that food is loving me too!

[Jimmy1975]

Congratulations ! Enjoy that S ! It is a wonderful feeling when it finally comes . Try and get a little more exercise even if it is just walking around the block . That really helps trust me !

[MikeInFrance]

Thanks Jimmy.... I'm pushing myself more and more each day. The soreness throughout the body is really THERE ... Like with every move i   make but I know it's temporary and so I deal with it. I used to make groaning noises each time I got up or sat/lay down but now I just say ' is that it?' when i get out of bed. I laugh to myself a lot cuz this is really a one on one fight for me and thats where I function best in life! The ever lingering symptoms of wd try to gang up and tag team but their ways are getting played out now. Even if I feel like doggy doo doo (that can never get bleeped out!) I still manage to convince myself that it's so much better than before. And in all actuality it is!

[LeaAnn807]

Mike, do you have 12 step meetings available in your area?  I think you might really benefit from it??  I didn't think I would, but you have to do something, right?  Can't sit in a train station every day looking at "what might have been!"  It's insightful and all, but it could be depressing if it hit you on the wrong day.  Ya know?  You need that support behind you so that when you do have to confront addiction head on, it's NO problem!!

Good luck!

[MikeInFrance]

There are meetings here but in French and a bit difficult for me to participate in at this time. I am lookin for a counsellor or therapist that I can begin speaking with. I tried one last week but she wasn't for me so the search goes on. I  am sure meetings are great but they aren't always for everyone. I do realize that aftercare is important and I am trying to prioritize that in my life now. Thanks LeaAnn!