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Avatar universal

I want to stop, but I don't want to stop.

I know I need to stop, I'm very intelligent, I am not looking for lectures, because I know all about all the reasons why this is bad for me; that is why I want to stop.  Yet, I continue to "not" stop.  Obviously I have changed my chemical make-up in my brain making it harder for me to experience pleasure without snorting ritilan or cocaine, but I know that that is a symptom that will pass.  I know this.  I also drink too much, but not enough that if I stop I would need physical detox.  I know that these behaviors are habitual, and that I can stop them (I will not go to treatment; I know that would be a good thing, but I won't go) but I will do other things like Smart Recovery groups, and that is why I have joined this forum.  No one knows about my drug use, so I feel very alone.  I know that being around other people who understand will help me stop, but I just can't do that physically, so I am trying it online.  I know that some people will tell me that the reason I don't want to stop is because I am physiologically addicted to substances, but that is not actually the case (I am not in denial either).  I mean, I am NOT denying that I am obviously physiologically and psychologically addicted - I know that I am, but what I mean is, that is not the reason that I can't stop.  I can stop because I have before - I quit smoking cold turkey a couple of years ago, for example - but it's like... I don't want to stop because I actually really really like the way I feel when I'm drinking and snorting.  The drinking is tough b/c even though I am outgoing, a lot of times people annoy me (that I don't know very well) and I just don't have a lot of desire to interact with them, but of course this goes away when I am using.  I guess I could just stop hanging out with people, but then that would be isolating... and I think I would just use alone (which I do anyway sometimes) because it's more fun that doing other things alone.  Basically, everything is more fun (alone and with people) when I am using.  I know that is a selfish way to think, but it is how I feel.  I wish I didn't feel that way, but I do.  I keep saying I am going to stop, but then... I don't like it.  My old therapist told me that sometimes in life we all just "have to do things that we don't like" and I recognize that when I do stop, I won't like it and I'll just have to deal with it... but it's like... I am not ready to stop for some reason b/c I think I am, but yet, I don't do it.  This of course creates a ridiculous cycle in my mind of shame and I start hating myself for breaking promises to myself, so it is almost easier to just say, "well, I know I am going to use, and I am fine with that" and then I still feel like **** for doing it but it is way less shameful, because I didn't break a promise to myself.  I realize this is absolutely absurd thinking.  I realize that I am completely rationalizing my use (of course I always have a reason -- oh, I don't want to go to dinner with these people that my husband has made plans with, so it will be fun if I use -- oh, I have a big deadline due at work, and I won't be able to stay awake to get it done unless I use -- oh, my husband is really stressed out and I don't feel like dealing with it, so I won't care so much if I have a few drinks (and I'll actually listen to him and help) oh, I can't fall asleep so I will take these Klonopin b/c I have a big day tomorrow and I need the sleep (even though obviously I can't sleep b/c of the stimulants), oh, I have nothing to do today and I don't feel like watching tv, and I don't have a lot of things that I can think of that sound fun, and what I need to do is actually organize a bunch of stuff around the house, and that will be a hell of a lot more fun when I'm a bit tipsy and speedy.  Then of course if I feel anxious which of course I will, oh I need a Klonopin to calm me down.  Or a few drinks to counteract the stimulants.  Oh, this is so annoying and pathetic.  I am caught in a cycle and it makes me feel depressed to even write this out.  But yet, if I really felt that depressed then don't you think I would stop??  I've never gotten in any trouble for any of my use, so I feel like I would stop if that happened (which obviously I do not want to happen - which is another big reason that I want to stop, aside from my health) because I should have been in trouble so many times, and so why don't I f-ing quit while I'm ahead?  But I don't.... because I enjoy it.... that is so selfish.  Maybe I need to find things I like to do.  But I never feel like socializing with people, and so I just don't WANT to go join a club or some random thing.  I like to read, but, oh I don't know.  It's hard to read when I'm tired, and so then I want to use a stimulant so that I'm not tired and I can read.  Like, for example, when I go to take a break from working, there is nothing that I can think of that is a fun little break.  I used to smoke, so that worked.  But I stopped... so I don't know what to do.  I tried doing like five push-ups or jumping jacks, but that really wasn't fun, I tried rewarding myself with a diet soda, but that really isn't that great, I have rewarded myself with food before, but I used to have an eating disorder (many years ago - no longer an issue at ALL) in my life now, but I don't want to even go there with using food as a reward, I've tried calling people, but like I said, I just don't ever want to talk to anyone... I've tried taking a nap, but then I feel unproductive.... any ideas?  Sorry for this long rant, but obviously I know that things cannot continue like this forever.  My biggest fear is that I am screwing up my body and I won't be able to have kids in a couple of years when we are ready to.  I have no physical proof or anything at all to make me think this, but I am glad that this is a concern for me because it at least gives me some motivation.  I also know that I would never use when I am pregnant, but the problem is that I do not want to have a child for at least a few years... so until then I need to find something that will make me actually WANT to stop.  Other people's horror stories for some reason aren't enough.  They should be, again, I know I am being selfish.  But I don't know what to do.  I am very confused and frustrated and alone...  Can someone please talk to me, but without getting angry at me?  I know that is even selfish to ask, but I am very sensitive and afraid of even posting this, so I know that if someone responds angrily I will probably not come back to the site...  I will try not to do that b/c i know I do not control the actions of others, only myself, but I feel like this is the first time I am reaching out and I am really just looking for a safe place.  Thanks....
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7163794 tn?1457366813
COMMUNITY LEADER
The title of this article should be "I KNOW"....lol
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Avatar universal
Did you ever find a reason to stop?
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82861 tn?1333453911
You are the most honest person, addict or not, that I have ever seen on Med Help.  That honesty alone will see you through getting clean.  You've made a huge step tonight telling the world where you're at. I hear a lot of determination in what you write, and think you'll eventually get to where you want to be.  Congratulations on taking that first step, and I think you are an amazing person. :-)
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Avatar universal
Right back at you.  Thanks.  :)
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597547 tn?1251036764
you are so awsome!
dont apologize for your posts.
this is what this place is for, to vent, to find encouragement, and to give encouragement that we are not alone.

come back, and keep fightin!

J
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Avatar universal
So anyway, now, I drink every day, but I can stop with no symptoms (shaky hands - bad sign I know) but still that's the only symptom of withdrawal (and anxiety which I fix with the benzos of course) but it's easier just to drink again and not care (which is so dumb I know, and I am worried about my liver).  It's only been like 4 real years of intermittent alcohol and methylphenidate abuse, so I think that I will be okay when I stop, but I have always been an athlete and really healthy, and now I do not exercise AT ALL, nor do I eat well (but of course I'm still the same weight as when I did work out b/c I lost muscle and I eat less).  Not healthy at all, and totally against how I want to live.  so now I found a friend by accident that does coke like everyday, and he drinks all the time, and so I've done some with him over the past few days.... but unfortunately, it didn't get me high again, it just made me jittery, and i even could fall asleep soon after.  (with a few benzos of course).  So, this is NOT a path I want to start to go down, b/c at least with my Ritalin, it is totally out of control, but not illegal.  (well technically it is, but I won't get in trouble if I get stopped with it because it is legally mine).  And obviously alcohol isn't illegal, I just need to stop driving after.  (which I am totally against btw - and actually counseled people who had gotten DWI's as I stopped at the bar on the way home from work and drove home under the influence.)  I am a walking hypocrite, and I don't know why I do what I do... (well, actually, I have done a ton of therapy and I know all the reasons from childhood, etc. etc., and although real, knowing that isn't going to make me stop.)   I was even prescribed a medication for bipolar disorder (though not diagnosed with it) b/c of my mood swings and crazy emotional arousal.  Now, I didn't take this, b/c I knew that my mood swings, etc. were actually caused by the fact that I was totally abusing substances this whole time -- so obviously I looked like I might be going a little off the deep end mentally, I was actually just in the depths of substance dependence and no one knew.  (or knows).   So, my moods have leveled off, and I've started to realize very solemnly and seriously that I have to stop sometime.  I don't like myself like this anymore.  It's not me.  It goes against who I want to be, and although it makes things fun, it also prevents me from actually pursuing things that I want to get into.  (it's hard to make a 8 am pilates class after an all-nighter organizing my coat closets.)  and who the hell does that anyway??  Well, I do, b/c i no longer get high, I just get awake, and I can do my work (whereas otherwise I feel apathetic and depressed) and then since I have no desire to spend time with anyone, I actually enjoy taking on random projects that I want done, but would otherwise be totally boring and I wouldn't do.  I realize how ridiculous I sound.  But maybe it's not actually that ridiculous to others who have been there.  

so, now I am worried about my health (no reason to think this again) I mean, no signs or anything, except my knowledge of what I am slowly doing to my body and my brain.  So, I need to stop.  But now in all honesty, I think I don't want to stop for two reasons.  One, I don't want to feel down and sad and not excited about anyhting (even though I know it will eventually pass) and two, I am actually scared of what life will be like without my own little sick secret world.  I actually hate it, but I love it at the same time.  It makes me feel powerful in some weird way, like I can control what I do and get away with it... (except that I'm damaging myself, which is the most important thing in the world.)  I do not want to live this way anymore.  I just don't know how to stop.  and I keep saying that this is the last time... and then I say that the next day, and then I say that the next day.... and I know that is absolutely the most common thing in the world, and I have helped others through it.  But i can't seem to do it alone.  So maybe here I will find that support.  I really do want to stop.  But, I guess I have to admit that I am addicted, because thinking about not snorting ritalin or coke again gives me a pit in my stomach like I'm losing a friend.  I can't believe this is ME talking.  I always think I can do anything I want without consequences (well, b/c I kind of have always done that... and b/c I do so much good for others and am so caring, etc. (really) no one would suspect that I have this secret crazy life.  It's frighteningly isolating and fun when I'm no longer caring, but then really depressing when I try to stop.  So I just decide not to stop (I'll make up a good reason) so that I don't have to deal with reality.  But my real reality is actually good, it's not like my life *****, so i'm not actually using to escape anything painful, i'm just using to make the mundane fun.  (why do i think that i have the right to have everything be fun??)  

Okay, if someone has read this much, WOW.  thank you.  But it felt good to get that all out.  I am addicted to stimulants.  I do not feel addicted to alcohol, but obviously my behavior shows otherwise.  I dabble in other things, but don't like them.  I have always wanted to try heroin, LSD, XTC, etc., but never had the chance.  Well, now I have DEFINITELY decided that I will not try any of those ever.  But I do have a very addictive personality (I know that doesn't actually exist scientifically, but what I mean is that I will get totally obsessed with different things) - so I know that I have to fill my free time when I'm not using with something else, or I will go back to using, but I don't know what.  I really do not want to join anything right now, I really do not want to talk to people.  And I know that will change, but I just don't like talking to people unless I'm f-ed up, and thus, talking to people sober will be a huge trigger.  (I don't mean not talking to ANYONE obviously, I just mean new people or people that I am "kind of" friends with, etc.)  

I crave a life of serenity and gratitude.  I am grateful for my life and for all that I have, but I am crippled by the insanity of the fact that every day I am putting myself at risk for losing all of that for whatever reason.  I crave to be able to feel pure joy without any substance.  I just don't see how I can reach that point.  I'm scared to try.  But I will, I just need to figure out how.  I mean, I know many ways I can do it, but the main thing lacking for me is support.  Whew.  I feel stronger already.  I have been really feeling lost lately.  I crave a life where I can get up early enough to see the sun rise and watch it with a cup of tea and read a book.  Really, I do.  But that life looks so idealistic and unrealistic... kind of like how this life I'm living would've looked to me 15 years ago....

Thanks guys.  I'll be back.  (with shorter posts)  ;) ;) ;)  
I do not mean to abuse this forum.  It's my first time here, and I will not post this many posts again, I'll PM :) or something.  I just didn't even know how much I was typing.  But thank you guys.



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Avatar universal
So, additionally, life situations (outside of our relationship) were getting even worse for my husband and he ended up going on anti-depressants - which like, for most people unfamiliar with the psychotropic world was a bit scary and stigmatic, and just not good.  But of course, I would tell anyone anywhere anytime that I took antidepressants, etc.  (b/c again, once you are around something enough, it really does seem normal).  I'd forget that people don't normally talk about that while at dinner or at a bar...  But, I was always hopped up on ritalin, so of course I thought what I was saying was important, b/c i was helping to decrease the stigma of mental illness and taking medication to correct chemical imbalances in people's brains that they couldn't help - and coupled with psychotherapy, these medications could work wonders - just enough boost to get you to be able to sort out the real problems.  I have no idea if these people cared or even if they were horrified, b/c I really never let anyone else talk, pretty much ever.  That must be annoying.  In fact, I've been told by my close friends and family (who do not know that I do the ritalin thing) that I need to work on that.  I think it's funny, b/c i've always been like that, but on Ritalin it's like a hundred times worse, and I cannot tell a story without drifting into seven other stories (that no one cares about) but since i was like that before, people just attribute it to my enthusiasm (which i did have lots of before the stimulant use) and my zest for life (which i did have lots of without the stimulant use).  

So, anyway, you may be laughing now, b/c i have just done in this like 10 page post what I just described that I do when speaking with people.  Or else you are annoyed.  Or else you stopped reading a long time ago.  Anyway, if you are still reading, I will continue.  (actually, I'm going to continue anyway... b/c I don't know if you're still reading...) LOL.  Okay, so, my husband and I moved states, and the whole move is a blur b/c I couldn't deal with it and so I just stayed f-ed up so that I wouldn't have to deal with it -- we were going somewhere we didn't want to go for something he didn't want to do, but we had to do it b/c of financial reasons.  So, he's depressed, I'm constantly f-ed up (and not working b/c of the move - so I could get things ready) but of course, high on alcohol and ritalin made me over obsess about little insignificant details (like - priority number one is going around and collecting boxes from different bars, while stopping to have a friendly beer at each one) and then just never filling the boxes b/c all was disorganized, and as a perfectionist, I hate disorganized, so instead of organizing, I just drank more and did more ritalin.  then, in my going away party plans (obviously also more important than packing - my husband is still working up until moving day btw, so it really was my responsibility to do my share) - but, I ran into some old friends who I knew back from the good old college days that I knew had done coke in the past, and you know, over a few drinks, we made plans to make that happen before I left.  so, I did that several times before leaving (and was totally totally disappointed -- the coke didn't even get me high b/c it felt exactly like the ritalin except that it numbed my lips like i like.  Honestly, I think that was the first time I started to actually step back and think (oh, and don't worry, this was a VERY fleeting thought) that maybe my behavior was potentially becoming a problem?  I mean, in my real intellectual mind, I obviously knew that everything I was doing was ridiculously not normal and dangerous and not healthy, and if I told my story to ANYONE they would freak out and send me to detox.  I mean, who does an eight ball and doesn't feel a thing b/c she's done so much ritalin all day that it just seems like a waste of money?  Well, that was me, but of course I didn't tell anyone that, and since I pulled all nighters on a regular basis (you know, to do totally normal things that people do at four am, like clean out the oven...) it was no prob for me to be available to share in the occasional all nighters that came with these friends using coke.  Plus, I still have never ever experienced the dreaded "come down" that everyone talks about.  So I guess that's good, but it also is not a deterrent.  Well, also, maybe not everyone else just takes benzos when they're ready for bed, and maybe some OTC sleep aids (not too many, and not tylenol, b/c that's bad for your liver if you've been drinking - please note my sarcasm) ;) and maybe a couple of barbituates or opiates that i'd acquired as a result of my migranes that suddenly came out of the blue.  No one could figure them out... but I also didn't tell them that they only came about when I was really hung over or had gone over the limit on my usage....  Well, anyway, I did start to feel a bit scared, so I did confide in my one friend in recovery (the great guy who's in NA) but then I regretted it completely b/c although he knows like everything about me and everything i've ever done (and vice versa) he now was clean, and this was totally totally not okay.  (and granted, all I said to him was that I had snorted my ritalin a time or two.... )  So, I promised that I had stopped, but I know he knew I hadn't (so we have kinda drifted apart, which makes me sad) but what else can I do?  I also told my husband I wanted to drink less (he has no idea how much i drink) and he was totally supportive, but my resolution lasted like a day.  I kept feeling like I needed to reach out to someone, b/c like i said before, for some crazy reason, I really just want someone to hold me accountable for my actions.  Not to punish me, but to be aware of what I'm trying to do, and help me stay resolved to stay on track when I get the urge.  But I keep feeling like I can do it alone (though I know I can't) but until I got the idea of checking out an online forum, I had just given up the thought of getting support while stopping, b/c I just can't.  Well, I could, but I won't.  But I will stop, I just know I need help.  I feel relieved to have discovered this place.  It's really scary to try to get support from someone who doesn't understand.

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Avatar universal
Annnnyway.... so.... now this is where things get fuzzy.... I really believe that up until this point I didn't actually have any real issues with alcohol or drugs.  Obviously I abused things, but it just wasn't an issue ever in any way.  So... I guess my husband started having a really hard time with his job, and started getting a bit depressed, and (I am definitely codependent - whole other story for a different forum) ;) - kidding, but only kind of.  :)  But so of course I took on his pain and it was really ****** b/c nothing I could do could fix his situation (obviously) but that sure didn't stop me from trying.  Now, fyi, I have the most wonderful relationship in the world, and even he tried to get me to stop taking on so much of his pain, but this just made me feel worse.  I knew that he was never unhappy with ME it was just ****** life circumstances.  Anyway, I think that was about the time when I just started to get bored with things.  I stopped really enjoying my job, people started annoying me in general, and I just never wanted to talk to anyone anymore (sounds like depression, I know, I'm sure it was, and don't worry I got more drugs to help that too) but, for some reason, I just started drinking a beer every now and then when I was doing work at home.  It relaxed me, made the work more fun, and took away the boredom.  Also, I liked talking to people again after a couple of beers.  But, this made me tired (I can never do good work while drinking) so I would couple that with popping some ritalins.  Good combo.  I still remember the first time I went out with my husband and another couple, and I actually had just taken Ritalin b/c i was about to do work, but then changed my mind and met them out, and whoa.... that was the MOST FUN I'd had with this couple that I normally find rather boring and irritating.  I loved it.  And so, it began.  Every time I went out somewhere (even just to dinner or something where there would be wine) I'd make sure I took the ritalin first.  Then I decided it was more fun to drink while getting ready and popping the pills b/c then I enjoyed both the getting ready part, and I was already in the mood when I got wherever we were going.  I really don't remember the first time it crossed my mind to crush and snort my own legitimate prescription of Ritalin (somehow it was different when it was just another drug) and I remember I felt guilty b/c it was obviously not normal behavior.... but I just wanted to try it... and again, WOW!  So, then I pretty much just decided to snort my meds instead of take them orally.  If anyone has read the book: Now, More, Again by Elizabeth Wertzel, she describes my life.  (except that she has money and is a published author).  She got to the point where she didn't think it was odd to snort her meds, b/c they were hers, and she was just taking them in a different manner.  Now, I, since I was already a therapist with another degree in addiction counseling (I've always been obsessed with psychopharmacology, and would have become a psychiatrist if I didn't have to learn about all the other parts of the body... lol, it's just the brain that fascinates me.)  Anyway, since I already knew about mechanism of action and methods of delivery, I actually did know that snorting ritalin isn't THAT much better than ingesting it - you feel it a bit quicker (that's subjective) and potentially the high doesn't last as long) but I also really liked the act of doing it.  You know how when you do something enough it no longer seems taboo?  Well, it was no longer taboo.  it was just secret.  Very secret.  And still is.  

So, I started drinking during my lunch break (I worked at a rehab place) and was snorting my ritalin in the bathroom between counseling sessions - but mind you, this was only b/c I couldn't stand my boss unless I had something that made me not care so much, and plus, I'm a perfectionist, so I really didn't care about details after a couple of beers, yet I was still right on b/c I was also on uppers.  I don't know how know one knew.  I have no clue.  I know they didn't know, b/c these people were all in recovery (major AA style -- good for them, really, just not my thing.  I know, I've been many times, to AA, NA, OA, CODA, ACOA, etc. -- it's just really not my thing).  But I still respect it to no end, I just wanted people to stop trying to brainwash everyone with a problem with drugs or alcohol that it is the ONLY way.  But whatever, that's a tangent.  Point is, I still cannot BELIEVE that I drank before work at this place and used in the bathroom - I do not know what I was thinking.  Unless, maybe it was some subconscious desire to be rebellious, or I just was caught in that "I'm so good that no one will know" or maybe even, "I'm actually better at work like this."  And I actually was better to a degree, b/c I'd started becoming really shy without drugs, and even fearful of making phone calls that would have never bothered me before.  I've always been in sales roles before, and was never even afraid of cold calling.  But, I started feeling like I couldn't run my groups unless I got rid of that anxiety.  And plus, I had a huge tolerance by now, so I was no longer getting high by taking the Ritalin, I was merely awake and sharp.  No more euphoria.  that sucked.  And also, I could drink three beers and not even feel tipsy.  So maybe with no smell on me, that's how no one knew.... oh well, I'm damn lucky.  I left the job for totally different reasons, (on good terms) and ended up with a different job where I work from home.  Now... that became a problem, b/c I did not need to worry about anyone finding out.... I could be sitting at "work" outside with a corona in hand, doing my stuff (and really actually doing it well -- I know this from performance evaluations -- in fact, this was positive reinforcement that I worked better with a few beers and several Ritalins snorted.  I knew always that this was totally screwed up, and i didn't believe it for one second, but the truth of the matter is that by now, withOUT that stuff, I was anxious, apathetic, tired, had total anhedonia (lack of pleasure in anything) so I really didn't give a **** about my job.  So, the only thing to do was to keep drinking and snorting, b/c then I cared again, was able to call people with my liquid and powder courage, and no one still knew a thing.  Damn.  

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Avatar universal
So, I drank like a fish in college, but for some reason, I really never craved alcohol, never drank alone, never had alcohol poisoning, nothing like that, and it NEVER crossed my mind that my behavior was out of the norm (b/c it actually wasn't compared to who I hung out with).  I finally started smoking cigarettes, which then allowed me to actually get high on weed the occasional times that I'd be at a party where it was offered to me, but I really didn't like the way it made me feel.  I felt so out of control of myself, and I couldn't talk in complete sentences, and it was funny, but I just didn't like it.  It didn't make me want to be social, or even go and be creative, it made me incomprehensible.  (but funny to watch).  So that was never a problem (weed) i just didn't like it.  So of course I could turn it down.  (I usually didn't but I did sometimes.)  -- especially if i was going to be driving.  (Irony again - drinking okay, smoking not okay...)  

Then, came the big day.  I met ONE friend who did coke.  (but didn't have real connections where we went to school) - but we went to her home town, and man, I had the best night of my life.  Everything was so awesome.  I had the most articulate, sophisticated conversations with complete strangers with whatever they wanted to talk about.  (I don't remember any of them - the people or the conversations) and I also never experienced "coming down".  So, I did coke every chance I had, which was like, maybe three times a year, but at this point I had the free never ending ritalin supply from my friend so I could study, and the friend who got me the coke the first time told me that I could crush it up and snort it and it was almost the same as coke.  Damn, she was right.  I'd crush up five at a time, and go out - drink less, less hangovers, have more fun, remember more, (and just have to be very cognizant of not grinding my teeth in that weird funny way your jaw moves).  So, she and I did that together a lot my senior year of college, had a few more fun coke times, and I always always craved coke and would do anything to get it if I knew that I could.  (I mean, not anything, I'd just change all my plans to make it so that I'd be where it would be).  I had to keep all of my friends separate, b/c most of my "real" friends had NO idea that I did anything ever than drink way more then them.  

So, then I traveled, and made sure while living abroad that I visited the infamous Amsterdam, and of course did shrooms, and of course, that is still the best experience of my life (as pathetic as that sounds) i really did find what felt like God, yadda, yadda, and came home and wrote like twenty five pages about it.  All I ever wanted was to seek that feeling again.  (oh, btw - during this whole time I was suffering from depression and anxiety and on zoloft).  So, I never did shrooms again in the states (again didn't know anyone) but I did go back to Amsterdam once and tried so f-ing hard to recreate that feeling - I'd spend ANY amount of money, but, to no avail.  I got really f-ed up, (and apparently scared the **** out of my husband who was on the verge of taking me to the hospital) but I was having fun as the universe was flying through my mind at a crazy speed, and our hotel room became a maze to me, and I wanted to pee in the trash can to avoid having to leave the room).  But I never did shrooms again, and never got that feeling again, but oh well.  

So, at this point, alcohol was not a problem (drinking stopped to only a glass of wine here and there with dinner) - didn't even think about it, it just did... and that's all.  Until I met that guy at the chemical dependency conference who thought I might have ADD like he did.  He was a therapist that diagnosed people with that (that was his specialty) lol, and all of the symptoms that he described actually DID fit in with my subjective experience of reality (I really DID lose everything all the time, I really DID start a hundred projects and couldn't ever finish any of them, I really DID procrastinate on all my grad school papers and exams until the night before when I'd pull an all nighter to get the adrenaline rush that would finally make me focus enough to do it.... So, he gave me the name of his psychiatrist, and suggested I call.  I did, and went again through a battery of tests, (but now I was way older and had my own insurance) and this time I actually did believe that I had ADD.  Really, it would explain a lot.  And thinking back to childhood, I didn't have the hyperactivity, but I did always lose everything, procrastinate, forget things, jump from thing to thing, etc.  So, who knows?  Anyway, she wanted me to try out different stimulant drugs so that we could get the right dosage.  So I got prescribed all the different array and got to test which ones made me feel which way.  And then when one wasn't right, I obvioiusly still had the rest of the pills, but then she prescribed me a different one.  Or the same one, in a different dosage.  5mg four times a day, 10mg four times a day, 20 mg four times a day, Concerta, etc. etc.  And for some reason it wasn't weird at all to her that 20 mg four times a day plus 2 concertas in the morning wasn't a lot for a 100 pound woman.... (many pharmacists cautioned me, but it always pissed me off, and when I told my doc about that, it pissed her off too, and made her even more willing to just prescribe whatever.)  But, at this point in time, everytime I took the meds, of course I felt euphoric, talkative and on top of the world, but I also LOVED my grad school, wrote amazing papers, aced exams, and so obviously the medication was working.   (or else, you could say i was doing grad work on speed, and so of course i loved it and it was fun).  My husband was really excited about my new outlook and ability to stop procrastinating (and of course my mood was elevated b/c it was kind of masking my still lingering depression - my anxiety had waned so the shakiness I could handle, and additionally, I had developed an eating disorder somewhere along the way in college that was off and on for years (binge eating, throwing up, got therapy, didn't help, it just sucked) but when on Ritalin, I had less of an appetite, and I actually learned how to stop eating when I was full.  Really, ritalin did cure my eating disorder, but obviously it is ridiculous to say that.  It did though, only b/c of the way it made me cognizant of my eating patterns and I no longer ate when I was depressed b/c ... well I guess I wasn't really depressed?  Anyway, I still got over the eating d/o and still have no issues with that at all anymore.  I give credit to the ritalin, but clearly can't say that outloud.  (I can type it out loud though) ;)  

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Avatar universal
Anyway, looking back, that is really where i see my addiction really beginning, but i didn't know it at the time.  When i was in high school, my parents were uber-strict so i wasn't allowed to go to parties (and i'm an only child) so my few and far between mischief was limited to drinking their brandy with my best friend when they were away, getting **** faced outside on my trampoline and then getting sick and trying to explain how we ate bad mexican food... and the occasional cigarette - which made me sick to my stomach (how could anyone like that?? -- i mean, that was before i started smoking) and then the occasional joint or weed out in the woods with friends.  (but i didn't know how to inhale b/c i couldn't smoke a cigarette, so i never actually got high).  I was just really randomly lucky that i never knew anyone who did drugs.  I actually was pissed about this, b/c i am totally impulsive (and considered myself proudfully rebellious) and wanted to try everything in the world at least once.  (I've skydived, traveled, etc. etc., but i also wanted to try every drug there was -- i just didn't know how to find any!  (I know, almost everyone has the OPPOSITE problem -- how ironic, i wanted to change my friends, place, and situation in order to find people who USED drugs, not get away from those who did...)  Well, that never happened, but I did go to college and become a HUGE binge drinker.  (ultimate what happens when you don't let your kids do anything ever in high school, i went f-ing crazy in college) -- but fortunately for me, i still never met anyone who did drugs other than alcohol and weed.  So, i partied every night of the week, like, still drunk for my first three classes that started at 11am, and never really got hangovers - I'm very small, but i had a lot of fun beating the guys at beer pong and drinking them "under the table" -- sure, i had my share of small consequences (I missed an important sport meet i was supposed to compete in - i was captain of the team) but, then again, i was in a sorority, so my drinking habits were totally normal. ;)  And, of course, I did care about my schooling, so although all indications were that I was going to fail out (as were the people that partied with me each monday night, etc.) everyone was astonished that I actually made straight A's.  (again, no consequences).  I am lucky, so so lucky, b/c i have passed out in bars on toilets, I once passed out on the side of the road, I have woken up in strange places with no shoes...... (you'd think these things would be warnings, but in my little college world, they were actually awesome bragging rights... shows you who my friends were...)  And all of this, for four years, with nothing bad at all ever happening to me.  (except once I got my laptop stolen because at a party at my house I drunkenly  let a stranger with a backpack into my bedroom to use his cell phone and close the door, then waved goodbye to him as he left with my computer in his backpack....  that was dumb.  But very fixable.  

Anyway, I did NOT intend on typing this much, but I just realized that I have actually never in my life been honest to anyone about all this stuff, and I actually don't think I've thought back to when it all began, b/c it never really was a problem then, so I seem to be concentrating in the here and now and just depressed that I feel i can't stop....But, to your detriment, I will continue.  ;)  (but you can stop reading and come back later.)  ;)  
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Avatar universal

Thanks for the comment that "we all could have written your words at some time in our life."  It is so comforting to know that others have been there.  I don't know why, but it is always that way.  I guess it's hard to struggle alone.  Well, duh, I don't guess, obviously it is hard to struggle period, and alone is a *****.  It's depressing, and really easy to stuck in your own head, and that is a very dangerous place for me to be - stuck in my own head.  There's no telling what it will convince me is okay. ;) ;)  

Anyway, enemy, to answer your questions, I can't say that I've ever "detoxed" really, because I don't know that I've ever stopped using for that long.... and I've never gone through withdrawals (well only little ones) but only b/c my DOC is cocaine (but I don't hardly ever do it b/c a) I have never had real connections; only did it when I stumbled upon it -(until now, I met a hook up - which was accidental and now dangerous b/c we became friends... probably going to have to let that one go...), so anyway, my DOC for sure has always been coke, but I probably have only done it maybe 20 times in my life - what happened was that in grad school (ironically, at a continuing education seminar focused on best practices for treating chemically dependent families...) i met an older gentleman who was also a therapist, and since we were both late, we became partners for the role play exercises.  Well, he noticed that like him, i was late, unorganized, totally interrupting him (b/c i was excited and wanted to learn, but i was too impulsive to contain myself) and he asked if i'd ever been tested for ADD.  I told him that I actually had (well, see in college I used to take my friend's Ritalin for exams, and the difference was AMAZING so i got tested as a big ploy to get a prescription just to use for exams - but since i was in college, and ritalin abuse is so prevalent on campuses (lol - made me mad, but wasn't that what i was doing?) they gave me a battery of tests (which of course i studied for...) and i passed - i had mild ADD, but they would only prescribe me strattera and said that i needed to go to a non student health doc (psychiatrist) if i felt i needed something stronger.  well, i actually did accompany my friend to her psychiatrist, but he obviously couldn't do anything for me unless i paid, and i obviously did not have $275 for the initial consultation plus $110 for weekly check-ins to keep getting prescriptions because you can't do refills with a schedule II drug.  (and obviously i couldn't use my insurance b/c then I would have to tell my parents...  )  and i was so adamant about getting this damn prescription (by then i actually think i had convinced myself that i really did have it) that i did end up telling my parents so that i could go to our family doc on the insurance (and my mom flipped out b/c she's a mess anyway - borderline personality (really) who doesn't know it - and my dad was reasonable and said that all indications to him were that i did not have that (esp. b/c onset needs to start before you're seven, and i was actually a very calm child who had no trouble at all sitting still in school...) -- but even so, it still could have been possible that i was ADD just not ADHD.  So he said that if i felt this strongly, i could go to the doc and use the insurance.  (I didn't need his permission obviously, I was over 18, but he would get the bill and then that would not have been a pretty scene).  so i went, but the doc was skeptical, and would only give me strattera too.  Of course, that did nothing, b/c it didn't give me a rush that made reading about advanced chemistry actually exciting, so I decided it didn't work.  so, I gave up my quest, and relied on my friend giving me her ritalin (and stealing it from her -- she had a psychiatrist who was like 90 and waaaay over-prescribed her meds -- if she actually took all that he gave her she would've had a heart attack for sure -- so needless to say, she had such a supply she never noticed if some were missing.  Then one time she lost her meds for real (ADHD people lose things) lol, and so it was the night before a big exam and that was the first time i ever "bought" drugs -- it was so freaky (and really ridiculous remembering it now after all these years) but we met in this dark ally on campus and "did the exchange" -- I paid like $20 a pill, and went to the ATM and took out $200 so I could make sure that I wasn't going to run out before the exam (and who knew when my friend would get her supply refilled - we didn't have cars so she had to wait til her mom could take her back to the doc for more) - so I was really worried about running out.  And... not just running out for that exam, because... at that point in time, I think these were like 10mg, and I had no tolerance yet, so if I actually took 10 in one night, I myself probably would've had a heart attack.  (or at least talked so much that I would miss the point of studying and instead pontificate for hours (with myself if there was no one to listen) about how amazingly fascinating the periodic table really was, and how had I never noticed that before??  ....
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Avatar universal
PM would be Personal Message me....there will be a place on your home page for that....upper right hand corner of page - 6 point type that says "inbox" - if there is a # visible there - inbox (2) - you have a personal message. Mouse on and click it. Communication that way is private and not even censored by med help - like the forum might be...check yours in a while - I will drop you a line - - eagle
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372416 tn?1242665752
Hi there~

Whew!  That was quite a read.  I agree w/the eagle when he says that we could have all written your words at some time in our life.

A lot of people come here comtemplating this difficult problem.  I think you sould just stick around and lurk here.  Give some imput & ask more questions.

I have detoxed many times.  Have you ever been through the withdrawals?  How long have you enjoyed your use?  Did I understand that you like ADD meds? Or more than that for the energy?  Energy is mostly what we all loved about our DOC.

This is a great place to consider as far as a program.  I too was alone in my use, and no one knew.  Without these people, I don't know if I'd be alive, or maybe in jail.
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199177 tn?1490498534
Welcome to the forum .You are in the right place .We have all been in your spot .This is one step closer to getting clean .Stay read posts it really helps just to be around people who know the struggle between what we know we should do and doing it . Have a great weekend.
avis
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Avatar universal
What is PM?  (If you wish to PM me, that would be fine)?  

Well, I feel for you regarding your story... I definitely have a lot of "that could never happen to me" stuff... I've never sold anything "except" a couple of bottles of Klonopin... (still enough for jail) and I've never bought anything directly from a dealer "except" ritalin before I had a script for it.... unless you count buying as giving money to the friend of yours who got it for you from the dealer.... (lol) - rationalization here - I'm being sarcastic on purpose, because I realize how ridiculous that all is.  Point is, I could easily have gotten in major trouble many times, and not just for those incidents, and if I did get in trouble my career would be over... see about the knowledge part.... i actually am an addictions specialist.... and i am successful at helping others.  that's the hypocritical irony that eats away at me...  

I don't want to hit a bottom before I stop.  I guess i just have to make up my mind.  But i also don't want to have to be "sober" either, I want to still be able to drink.  Many differing opinions as to whether that can happen, I see both sides.  Most people can't do that, and it's not a good idea to think that I can, but I'd like to.  Plus the fact that I actually can legally get ritilan is not a help at all.  (justification again).  

*sigh* i am of the belief that addiction isn't actually a medical disease and that it can be cured (I know that the AMA and practically every other professional organization disagrees, but there are many tx centers and schools of thought that do agree with me too) -- don't mean to start a debate here at all about what is right; i think each person is completely entitled to believe what they want.  My point in bringing that up was simply to say that i don't want to say that i am an addict or alcoholic and will be for the rest of my life, b/c i won't be.  (i.e. i used to binge eat, and have been to OA, but if i went now, i wouldnt say, hi, my name is... and i am a chronic overeater or whatever, b/c i am not anymore.)  so, i know that i am an addict right now, but i will not always be.  i just need to make a decision i guess.  thanks for your post.
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Avatar universal
Nobody angry with you here. Virtually everyone on this site could have written your post at some point in their lives. I lived a "chemically enhanced" life for quite a while. Goes clear back to Vietnam days. Even kept a vanity mirror clipped to my clock radio so I could lay a line out at night and just roll over to snort it when the alarm went off! And how about a qualude for sleep? About every night. I even did the old hippy trail and followed the hemp harvest around the world. Kif in Morrocco and temple hash in Nepal....anything you want in Nam....plenty of stories. Unfortunately my own story even has a sale of a kilo of coke to the DEA...and 3 years in a real (no country club) Fed Prison. And when I was there i got a case of hepatitis thats slowly killing me. You are right. You cant keep it up forever.........I cant tell you how to learn to want to stop....if you keep it up, the negatives will outweigh positives at some point before long...and you will quit for one reason or another....no money or health or legal problems. Something will open your eyes. If you wish to PM me that would be fine...right now you should learn as much as possible about this drug process and gain that knowledge. Knowledge is power. You will want to quite at the right time. That time is different for all of us. I doubt that you were even close to alive during Nam when I started..........drop me a line if you wish....eagle
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Avatar universal
Thank you for responding.  I feel silly, but I have tears in my eyes that someone cares and doesn't think I'm completely hypocritical and stupid.  Here's my problem... I think a lot in black and white terms (I try not to..) but so, it's always, "well, I wasn't going to use today, and I did, so I f-ed up, and so I might as well keep using until tomorrow."  I know this is insane thinking, my best friend who is in recovery and a proud NA member, etc. tells me that when I start thinking like that, I need to say: "no, not f this day, f this moment - the next moment is a new moment to start."  that helps a lot, but the reality is... I think I actually want to say f this day so that I have an excuse to keep using.  I feel like I need someone to hold me accountable for my actions or something!  I know that is childish and not actually necessary, but for some reason, when I try to hold myself accountable, that just never works.  

Anyway, thank you thank you thank you for responding.  I will stay here and keep coming back.  And I will start positive talk.  Until you wrote that, I don't think I even realized how much negative self talk I had been doing.  My husband has been really down lately (totally different reasons) and I keep telling him about the importance of positive self talk, but I am not practicing what I am preaching.  I will start working right now on being positive.  

Also, what is Nick Saban?
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597547 tn?1251036764
I read about by Nick Saban ( i know alot of people proabably are not fans).

its called How Good Do You Want to Be

He talks a little about the fact that we have hundreds of thousands ( i may be off drastically with the number) of thoughts about ourselves, almost constantly, everyday.

I use to be a great baseball player, even in college, I always had a great bit of confidence in myself and in achieving my goals.

Then i lost my gf of 3 years, and became ridic depressed, i was getn ready to propose.  i started taking drugs, eventually OC, and i found myself thinking i was hopeless for months, having thoughts that i was a loser, theres no hope, im alone, im worthless.

its past day 3 working on day 4 and i started by constantly telling myself positive things.

I sound alot like you, i use to alwasy be out, with friends, socializing, the past 2 years all i have wanted to do is get bent and be alone.....

I know it sounds ridiculously useless, but start telling yourself,

"im better than this drug"
"im stronger than this addiction"
"i wanna do it for me, for my future, for"

im talkin about constantly, talk to yourself positively EVEN though at first youll feel stupid like your lying to yourself, you will start believing it i promise.

if u just start telling yourself positive things, they will eventually become engrained inside and youll start believing in yourself.

also, try googling stories of success, and reading on here as well .
maybe try "stories of overcoming addiction, depression, etc"

it's now or never, start telling urself that too.

we are here for you!
stay around, come back, read as much as you can, and realize others just like you have overcome and it starts with you, in your head (even when u dont believe) and eventually moves to your heart.

J
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