If the "shoe" fits.

[SoSorrySara]

I am a 43 y.o female diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006. I had bilateral mastectomy with radiation and chemo. also several reconstructive surgeries. During radiation, my husband fell from balcony and died. I have been suffering depression and have been on Zoloft for 15 years. Tried other anti-depressants, but they only made me suicidal (cymbalta was horrible). After chemo had alot of joint aches and pain, and test showed RA level evevated. Dr. said I have symptoms of fibromyalgia. Anti-inflamitory medication causes severe pain in my kidney area, and renders my Zoloft useless. I'm always exhausted and never without some pain somewhere in my body. A recent CT scan showed a lesion on my C1 vertebre, and every thime I move my neck it sounds "crunchy".
I lost my job 2 years ago and have no medical coverage, I don't qualify for medicare, and have been denied SS disability the only thing that works is vicodin or tramadol, and I only take enough to control pain, but have to get illegally because no doctor wants to prescribe out of fear of "Big Brother". I wish to God I didn't have to take anything at all, but with the pain I am constantly in, I can only pray that God has mercy and will let me die in my sleep. All I hear is negativity about taking "drugs", but my alternative is to suffer and have no quality of life. Can anyone offer me any hope?

[SoSorrySara]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, its been so long since anyone has listened. I dont think my living situation helps either, but I am "trapped". Two years ago I was a Licensed Property Manager for 486 Condo units making $42K a year in Orlando, Fl.   Now the grey skys of Ohio match my mood and income. Made more calls this morn, got the usual reply,.."we'll call u!" In my head, i fight with turning to "street" drugs. They are easier to get and less expensive, however my 20 y.o.son recently overdosed on heroin and is now in trouble with the law. I know I need to be a good example, and do whats right for him.  He's trying to stay clean, but living on the streets. My boyfriend doesnt want me to have anything to do with him. I wonder how much less my pain would be if I werent under so much stress. Think i'm gonna call Binder & Binder and lt them handle the disability.  I have enough on my plate and just dont have the strength to do myself. Asked my daughter (18y.o) to help, but shes too busy with work, school, and boyfriend.    (Where did I go wrong?!)

[mellie4]

Oh, please, please post on the Chronic Pain forum.  So many there will be supportive.  Chronic pain is terrible.  And it's a tough path when you look pretty good on the outside.  Take it a minute at a time.  I get how you feel.  Sometimes I get sooo discouraged when I think is this it?  For the rest of my life??  I was a really active mom.  I worked, had 4 kids, volunteered, traveled.  I had it all.  And then it started with arthritis and fibro.  My fibro comes and goes but when in a flare (like now) it seems nothing works.

I didn't care for Lyrica.  It put weight on me (16 pounds in 2 weeks.)  Neurontin made me feel "high," though I'm thinking of giving it another try.  Have you ever tried a lidocaine infusion?  I've had two.  Not loads of relief but a little.  Sometimes you have to piece together a bunch of stuff.

I was on very high doses of narcotics and want to taper down and am having a tough time with that.  But I have other things that all help a tiny bit with the pain.  There are lidoderm patches, compounding creams.

One thing (and I haven't been able to do it for a long time for financial reasons) that helps is swimming or even walking in a pool.

And Vicki is right, keep apply for disability.  It's a game.  It's almost a given you get rejected so many times.  They want people to just give up.  You'll get it.  And I agree with her about pain management.  The only sort of warning I would give is think and research for yourself your medications, side effects, etc.  I let myself go on Fentanyl and it really wasn't the right drug for me.  I got off it about a month or so ago.  Though a lot of people in pain management use it and like it, it wasn't for me.  I think I'm just saying don't let your pain cloud your thinking.  It's easy for that to happen.  You get nearly desperate for relief and you'll take anything, agree to anything and then find out it was a mistake.  Just make sure you really know everything you're getting yourself into.

Chronic pain is so wearing.  And people don't understand.  My family doesn't get it.  They think I look fine.  I wonder if they're blind sometimes!!!  I mean, can't they see it takes me ten minutes leaning against the wall to go up ten steps?  Or that I have to shift and pick up my legs to get in and out of the car?

You need to find support where you can find it.  Most people without pain issues just can't get it.

While waiting for a doctor to see you, if it gets really bad, try the ER.  They'll usually give you a shot or an IV for pain and a small prescription.  And I know the depression is tough.  I mentioned I had tried Cymbalta for nerve pain and it threw me into a dark depression.  But recently I asked for Prozac (I had tried it over 20 years ago for anxiety and depression on a short-term basis.)  It's helping me now with this (not so much the pain but the depression.)

Listen to Vicki.  Get on the phone today and make all the calls you need to get some help for yourself.  (And ask the pain management docs if you can pay on a sliding fee or reduced rate.  No one should have to live with bad pain.)

Let us know how today is.

[0421]

Please don't go towards death thinking, my brother did it and even though I understand why he did it, he was in bad bad pain. It tore my sister up and she still feels guilty about it.    
I had just lost my husband 4 months previous to this and I had so much to deal with I hardly had time to grieve for my brother. Go some where for help, there has to be something around for little or no money. Please get help, and good luck , I am also a pain pts and I see a pain speacialist. I hope the best for you, good luck and prayers to you, Bethany

[vicki595]

Hey listen!!   You're not sounding good AT ALL.  Don't make me worry about you!!  You need to help yourself here. If you're in pain(and I believe you are) then do what you can to get some meds. No one should suffer in pain. That's the point of taking meds!!! So get working on that. I agree,being in constant pain makes death look good but it's pretty final,
you know??  It's not time to give up yet...it just isn't!!  And don't start thinking that you'll
"show them" how awful you feel!   That seldom works because they'll forget all about this and you'll still be dead. So,knock that off right now.

Tomorrow is a new day! Get on that phone and make something happen for yourself!!

[SoSorrySara]

More now than I use to, but I use to scare me when I thought of it, not so much now. It's relief. I guess I've been depressed for so long, I don't bother to talk about it, people don't take you serious until it's too late. Besides I think everyone that lives in constant pain must think about it.
"Somrtimes strength is knowing when to give up. When I got diagnosed with the cancer, my mother told everyone that I was just trying to get attention.  If I talk about being depressed, I feel like that's what everyone is going to think.

[vicki595]

I don't know if anyone else picked up on your "death references" but I sure did!!

So,what gives in that area???   Are you having suicidal thoughts???

[SoSorrySara]

I guess I getting angry at having spent mony I dont have on prescriptions that Dr.'s want me to "try" when I already know what works for me. I have become a giunea pig in a "government controlled" study. I't no wonder the suicide rate is rising by leaps and bounds.

[SoSorrySara]

I'm too young to feel this old, and I feel like any dreams that I have left are slipping through my arthritic fingers.

[SoSorrySara]

Taking nothing right now, I have to shift my back position every few minutes or so because the longer I'm in one position, the more it hurts. I did see a  Dr. a non profit clinic and they refered be to pain management, but when I called the pain mgmt office, they forwarded my info to their other office, so I called them. They said they never got it, called here, there, and everywhere, left messages, waiting for someone to return my call. It will cost me $300 for the first visit, im on unemployment, and thats gonna run out soon. I tried to get Ultram from the Dr. to hold me until I got into Pain Mgmt, but was told that Ultram is a narcotic, so she has to see me to give me a script. I don't know what she thinks she's gonna find that wasn't there when I saw her 3 weeks ago. They even did blood tests which included a drug test for which I was clean.  My son says I can get Oxy online, but Ive heard too much about it that scares me. I just want legitimate help from a Dr. that believes me.

[vicki595]

Have you considered going to a Pain Management doctor?  I think that would be a good choice for you but , again, it may be costly...

There's a huge distinction between addiction and chronic pain management.

Are you without pain med now?

[Happie1]

Oh, I feel for you. Have you tryed a free clinic? We have a few in our town and they do like to give out the meds. Keep trying for ssi they will look at you case if you keep bugging them.

I will keep you in my prayers.

[SoSorrySara]

I take about 3 to 4 vicodin (7.5) or ultrams (50mg) a day. The lesion is sclerotic(?) but they need to do more tests that I can't afford. I tried Lyrica, which worked, however it made me "drunk" i.e. dizzy, slurred speech, impossible to drive while taking. Sometimes the neck pain gets so bad that it becomes a headach with nausea. I sometimes have numbness in my arms and hands and the joints burn from the arthritis.  Sometime certain arm movements trigger what feels like I'm getting an electrical shock, that travel down my arm to my fingers. marijuana is out of the question, as I recently (as of 11/10) started dating a "recovering (as of 7/10) addict", and he sometimes calls me an addict, and doesn't even think I should take Zoloft. But, with this pain, it's impossible to work and therefore support myself, so I guess I've "settled" while silently mourning my best friend and the love of my life. My anxiety has become so bad that I have panic attacks when I leave to house, but I look outside and want to feel the sun again.

[vicki595]

Hi-  What sort of lesion is on C1?     I don't know why the doctor can't give you any pain meds for that...that's very curious!  Does your neck hurt?  Do you have other pain?  With the fibro you should have pain med anyway. When was the last time you asked?

Yes,just keep applying for disability. Claims are rejected the first few times as a matter of course. They plan it that way to eliminate claims. It's an old game!!

Good luck!!

[mellie4]

I agree about posting on the Pain Management forum.  You'll find a lot of support.  Lots of people NEED pain medication and use it appropriately.  There is no shame in that, even though society doesn't get it.  I'm a pain patient and probably will have to stay on something.  Though I dislike being on them, and I'm trying to taper off to reassess my pain and hopefully take a lot less.

Can you get some insurance through the government?  I would think if you've been through breast cancer you may be able to get qualified due to that.  And I also had a LOT of trouble on Cymbalta.  I was given it for nerve pain but it actually made me depressed.  I ended up going off it.  It didn't do much for the pain anyway.

I am very sorry for the loss of your husband.  It might be a good idea to find a free grief support group, like through a local church.

[BlueOpiate]

Sorry for the double post but forgot...Have you tried for medical and SSI more then once?  From what I have seen, it's common to be denied a couple times, might want to google some of that.  My father-in-law was denied a couple times and he truly needs it like you.  This is what upsets me greatly about our country.  People who are in need the most don't get it while those with the most rob the system blind.  I have seen firsthand people driving BMW's and live on a lake who are on all sorts of government assistance.  It's so easy to rob the system simply by putting things in other people's name and claiming to live somewhere else.  This kind of thing happens a lot in Michigan and no one does anything about it.  The government wonders why we are broke.

[BlueOpiate]

I don't know what to say really.  I'm very sorry about all these negative things in your life, it's no wonder your depressed.  In your case pain meds seem perfectly fine to me.  Not good for many of us but most of us don't have the medical problems you do.  I'm for sure not going to tell you not to be doing that, who am I to tell you that with everything you have going on?  Have you tried or thought about marijuana?  Not telling you to do it but...???

[dominosarah]

Yes we can offer you hope~~There is alot of support on these forums.  I would also put this thread up in the Pain Management forum.  How much do you take a day?