I'm Sorry

[hiskidd]

Hi guys - I'm on day 2 again after relapsing for 2-3 months. Two 30mg pills per day. I feel so sick, and it makes me feel like I should just keep taking the pills. I don't see light at the end of the road anymore. I'm scared to death, and even embarrassed to go back on the website.

I'm hurting. There is no other way to say it.

david

[atthebeach]

david,
you are in my thoughts and prayers. keep walking and or running. i hope you get some needed answers.have you been eating better?
continued blessings.
debbie

[dominosarah]

Nice to hear from you!!

[gnarly_1]

HI David been praying for you and your family did you read the passage I gave you btw it was suppose to say know who you are in Christ....not how.........Gnarly

[hiskidd]

hi guys. how's everyone doing out there? i am asking for prayers and positive thoughts for an MRI i am FINALLY getting around to one week from tomorrow (tues). i told April today, i am holding out real hope for healing. the treadmill tonight was great :)

love you guys,

david

[dominosarah]

Noone is going to give up on you~~~

[gnarly_1]

HI David.....well being out of work may work in your favor getting free help.....I get one portion of my aftercare from a place called meggellin there az mental health care provider if your dealing with things likes addiction they can usually put you together with a substance abuse consolor.....I was already going for help with my bipolar and my phyic dr thought I could benefit seeing him because i was on methadone for my back....it took him just about a yr to convince me it was more then a back condition I was using it to treat and challenged me to get off....all I can say is Paul has been great during my active addiction threwout my 8 1/2 mo detox and now with recovery care and it dosent cost me a dime its been almost 3yr I have been seeing him and we have made great inroads to why I feel I need something in the first place we have disetected my drug use back to when I was 14.....check with your local stat run mental health care you should qualify now I said that was a portion of my aftercare I make it a point to swing by the local N/A a couple of times a month if im struggling im there every meeting for a wile till om back on solid ground then theirs my church God is a major part of my recovery and I go to an all mens bible study with 3 other recovering addicts the main thing is to have an outlet somewhere you can go and say anything and not be ashamed of what comes out its usually best left to recovering addicts although I have a good friend who I share my struggles with as well its when we get all traped up in our heads is when where heading for trouble....these are just a few piratical steps you can take all of them work good I ow my sobrity to Christ Jesus and his unconditional love having a personal relationship with him has help me threw my worst times read ephesians 1 the whole chapter and KNOW HOW YOU ARE IN CHRIST this one chapter tells you word for word just what God has done and has in store for you learn to live like an airer to the throne....it not about the pills David it about who you believe you are......I couldn't do this without God I will pray for you bro hang in there God in control...........Gnarly      

[atthebeach]

david,
good call on postponing the surgery. aftercare is a means to being a recovering addict and not an active onel. yes accountability is part of it. you could council with your pastor on a weekly basis, have an elder to help support you,pray with you. a counselor to get to the bottom of this and the reasons you continue to use. you were honest about your childhood to us and that is going to help with your healing. you need to get those demons out of you and trample them under your feet. all your fears,worrys,anxietys,sadness,past mistakes,terrible memories, everything that continues to prompt you to use it under the blood of the lamb, claim it. you said you could lie when you counsel. well you could. but the honesty is part of the accountability. honest first with yourself and then others who will be trying to support you, encourage you,hold you up,pray for you.
i will continue to encourage you, reach out to you, pray for you, until you have a breakthrough. until you have victory over this.
enjoy your date with april.
yours in CHRIST
debbie

[LeaAnn807]

Ok, no one is gonna write you off cause you don't listen!  Don't talk crazy!!!!!!!!!!  We wouldn't do that ok?  

Now.....try the free counseling.  Anything is better than continual relapse, right?  Try it.  You might be amazed at how much help it really is.

I'm still here when you need me! : )

[hiskidd]

Hey Trama and Sara. April and I talked, and I am going to postpone the surgery. She is due with our fourth baby on July 12th. I got laid off, but a generous man who used to go to our church decided to pay our COBRA health care through July so that April wouldn't have to consider inducing early since our benefits end June 30th.

Sara, I have the pills because of some "major" things like the surgery lingering in my mind. They are my crutch. My fall back. My addiction. I almost threw them all away today. I'll try and throw them away tomorrow (Tuesday). I'm not going to lie about having them, and I'm asking you not to "throw me away" by saying to yourself, "Well, if you're not going to do what it takes to truly get better, then we're not going to help you."

Please. I know there are lot of serious addicts on here, and I'm not asking to be stroked. I'm really close. I know it.

I'm getting on the treadmill now. I still don't know what my aftercare looks like. If I get rehired as a teacher for the fall (which I think I have a real good chance at), I think our district has some counseling options available. I also recently learned my university offers free counseling to students, but I'm a little apprehensive because many of the counselors are students who are looking to get into that profession. AGAIN, I wish someone would tell me what specifically to do for aftercare.

Okay. Treadmill, then taking April on a date.

With all the affection of an addict reaching his hand up with his head down,

david

[dominosarah]

You can get thru the vasectomy with ice and ibuprofen.  

NOW.......why do you have pills in your cabinet?

[LeaAnn807]

Hey David!  I just got on and saw this.  I'm sorry you are going through it again, but if it takes this to gain the strength to do it right, then so be it.  

Ok, so you need to put this surgery off in my opinion.  You have to flush those pills and get stronger and get some support in aftercare before you have surgery.  OR....you need to do it without the pills.  Just my opinion, not the gospel or anything, but I have lots of experience in relapsing, and lots of times it happened because of things like what you're going to do.  

Please, please do some aftercare.  You just HAVE to if you want to succeed.  I have been through some crazy health stuff over the last year, and the one thing that has helped me to stay off pills is support.  Not just family.  Not just medhelp.  Not willpower, although I think that all these things help.  You have to have a little more and some accountability!  It works.  Really!  Take it from a chronic relapser........I'm shooting you straight here.  You can do this.  Please give yourself a real chance to change and be better for yourself and that wonderful family of yours!

I'm cheering for ya!!!!!!! : )

[ImDONENoMore]

That's the addict talking in you David - you think you're going to be any different after the surgery and that you'll somehow be able to handle those meds?  Be serious David about your recovery and throw out the pills you now have in your house.  Can the vasectomy wait for a while until you're stronger?  There are other forms of birth control that you can use before you do have the surgery.  But to think you could do that now with your addiction in full-blown mode is unrealistic.  You have to change the way you THINK, it's not only about stopping the pills.  Give yourself a realistic chance here - and please know I don't mean this in a harsh way at all - I just want you to see that the way you're doing it isn't working and you HAVE to find a new way if you want to succeed with this.  I know you've read this a thousand times and that's because it's true - quitting is the easy part, staying off of them for good is the real battle.  And it can be won but you have to PREPARE for it.  No other way around it.

[hiskidd]

Sorry, I hit enter by mistake... So I hope the golf thing strengthening my back isn't just in my head, but getting out and golfing for FOUR HOURS has really been great at relieving stress, and helping me feel better. We also spent 30 bucks and bought some "suction cups" from my accupunture guy, and my wife uses those on my back and they help immensely!

So, I say all of this just to give you a quick update on how I'm feeling.

Now for an honest worry or two - I'm having a Vasectomy on Tuesday, and I still have pills in my medicine cabinet. The WDs haven't been as bad as the first time around, and the thought going through my head is that I'll be able to take the pain meds for that "new" pain after the surgery, and then go through "mild" WDs after the procedure. I see my pain doc on June 20th, and a physician's assistant on June 23rd for a physical, both for the last time for a while unless I get a job as my benefits end June 30th. So, another worry is that I will ask for prescriptions "just in case" I don't have benefits for a long time and can't afford alternative means of therapy like accupuncture, etc.

Let me know what you guys think - I guess that goes without saying. I hope you all are having a great weekend. Be blessed and know you are loved.

in Him,

David

[hiskidd]

Thank you, Sara. I was brought to tears by what you wrote. Everyone else, thank you as well. Your words are giving me strength.

Just a quick update, as I am helping my wife get ready to go to her baby shower :), I am doing pretty well. I do feel sick off and on, but I have been addicted to my treadmill. I have been staying super busy (which is why I haven't been on the site much), and reading like a fiend.

Another theraputic thing I found - and it hasn't added to my back pain, but actually feels like it is loosing up or making it stronger (I hope this isn't just in my head.

[stilltrying1965]

Hey bud.i know what you mean by hurting, but your only hurting yourself. I was the same as you got some clean time then blow it. After that i was hurting.Well budyd you can get clean if you realy want it. No one else here fell as much as me but i kept getting up and trying again, i new if i wes trying i was trying to help myself.I was a 14 year heroin addict i had to go to a rehab then come home wich was harder as my doc was only minutes away.  Anyway the aftercare i had in placs probibly saved mylife as im 186 days clean. So hiskid you can do it also. You were strong enough tocome on and addmit you relapsed.so dust yourself down and get back to the hard work. Beleive me there is light at the end of the tuunnel a very bright light. I promise you.,,,,,James

[dominosarah]

Just wondering how you are doing....

[Devonlee]

NA isnt for everyone. I think you said you lost your teaching job? So maybe you dont have medical but if you do therapy (one on one with your own therapist) could help. If you dont have insurance there is often free or low cost therapy offered....check online or in the yellow pages. NA isnt the only place to go but its free so its often the easiest. Post often here this is also "therapy" in its own way and is better than nothing....Good luck.

[dominosarah]

There was nothing offensive about your post at all.  I am actually glad you finally cut loose and talked.  I knew there was more to the story than you were letting on.  You have been thru some horrific events in your life and you need some direction in learning to deal with this and finding a place for it to rest.  Have you thought about a therapist?  You gotta get all of this out.  You didnt deserve what happened to you but you dont have to be a victim anymore.  We have others on the forum who have experienced this and i am going to contact one of them.  She will be able to shed some light on this more than i can.

Now here comes the sara advice!!  Dont shut up as you need to get this out.  You are maning up as you know you have a problem and you want help so now is the time to get up and make some phone calls and get this going.  Tomorrow David, you start looking for someone to talk to.  You dial that phone.  Take charge of your life and your journey.  No running back to pills to deal with this.  We face our problems head on.  You have lost your way for long enough.  It's time for David to come out fighting.  You are worth it and deserve to be happy.  It is right in front of you so reach out and grab on.  Go with a spirit that fears nothing.......Now move it!!!           sara

[hiskidd]

I really hope any part of my post didn't offend anyone. I thank God for all the advice, and I usually come back to Sara's tough love stuff in my head. Please forgive any excuse making or even the dynamic of typing in capital letters. I really just wish one of you could reach out through the screen and say, "David, tomorrow you and I are going to such and such aftercare, and this is what I want you to do from this point forward..."

I know Sara would say, shut up, man up, and do what you need to do :)

[hiskidd]

To All: I'M PUTTING THIS IS CAPS, NOT BECAUSE OF ANGER OR IRRITATION (NO SOLID EMOTION, REALLY), BUT TO ASK/BEG FOR SPECIFIC HELP/DIRECTION TO AFTERCARE. I HEAR YOU ALL, AND I DO WANT TO GET THE WHOLE PACKAGE OF HEALING, BUT I DON'T THINK I KNOW HOW TO DO THE AFTERCARE PART.

I WANT TO GET STRONGER, BE ON THE TREADMILL, EAT RIGHT, ETC., AND IT IS A LONG ROAD. ALL THE VITAMINS, SHAKES, WORKOUTS, ETC. VERSUS THE IDEA OF ONE PILL WEIGHS ON ME, BUT I'VE CRIED TOO MUCH ON THE PILLS, SO I KNOW I'VE LIED TO MYSELF. HOWEVER - AND THIS I'M SURE IS WHERE YOUR AFTERCARE ADVICE COMES IN - MY PAIN IS LEGITIMATE. WHEN I STARTED AND MY WITH MY RELAPSES, I'VE ALWAYS USED MY PRESCRIBED AMOUNT (AT MAX 2X 30 MGS PER DAY), AND IT'S BEEN TO RELIEVE PAIN 95% OF THE TIME.

I'D BE A LIAR AND HYPOCRITE TO SAY THAT I DIDN'T NOTICE THE EUPHORIA AT THE BEGINNING, BUT THAT DID EVENTUALLY FADE (THAT WAS WHEN I WAS TAKING IT 2X @ 20 MGS), AND THEN WHEN THE COMPANY CHANGED THE FORMULA FROM OXY "OC" TO "OP", I NOTICED THE EUPHORIA WAS ALMOST NON-EXISTENT. DURING THIS LAST RELAPSE, I TOOK MY PILLS PURELY FOR PAIN, TO SLEEP, ETC., AND NOT BECAUSE I HAD PAPERS DUE, OR PAPERS TO GRADE. IN OTHER WORDS, NOT TO HOPE SOME KIND OF EUPHORIA WOULD KICK IN, OR SOME "PICK ME UP" WOULD KICK IN.

THAT BEING SAID, I DO REMEMBER GETTING TO DAY 42 OF NOT USING PILLS THE FIRST TIME. I REMEMBER (THOUGHT THE MEMORIES ARE FADING) GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE I WAS ON THE TREADMILL EVERYDAY, WENT THROUGH A STRETCH OF 30+ DAYS WITH ZERO FAST FOOD, AND SO ON. THEY WERE THINGS I HAD NEVER DONE IN MY LIFE, EVEN BEFORE MY BACK PAIN. HOWEVER, WHEN THE PAIN KICKED IN, I HAD ZERO AFTERCARE - AT LEAST NOT WHAT I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU'RE ALL SAYING - AND I THOUGHT ONE PILL WOULD BE OKAY. SO GOES THAT STORY.

SO, I SAY ALL THAT TO ASK, WHAT DO YOU MEAN EXACTLY BY AFTERCARE. SO MANY GAVE ME EXACT THINGS TO TRY WITH HEALING PHYSICALLY, AND EVEN AFTER 40 DAYS, I STILL NEEDED AN OTC SLEEP AID EVERY NIGHT TO SLEEP, ACUPUNCTURE, ETC. BUT FOR THE MOST PART, YOUR PHYSICAL ADVICE WAS RIGHT, AND IT WORKED. WITH AFTERCARE, I FEEL LIKE IT'S AMBIGUOUS. I HAVEN'T READ A LOT ABOUT WHAT YOU ALL OR DOING OR DID TO MAKE IT STICK. IF 2/3RD OF SUCCESS COMES FROM IT, THAN I NEED TO HEAR IT. I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT IT (ASKING) BECAUSE TO BE HONEST, I AM IN CHURCH OFTEN. I DID TELL PEOPLE IN THE CHURCH, AND ELDERS, ETC. ABOUT MY STRUGGLE, MY WD'S, ETC., BUT IF AFTERCARE IS MERELY A MEANS OF ACCOUNTABILITY, IT SEEMS LIKE ANY ONE OF US CAN LIE TO OTHERS AND OURSELVES AND JUST GO BACK TO DOING WHAT WE WANT TO DO.

I HAVE LOOKED UP N/A'S IN MY AREA, BUT HAVE NEVER GONE. I'VE NEVER SMOKED A CIGARETTE IN MY LIFE, BUT THE ONE I DROVE BY SEEMED LIKE - WELL, PLEASE DON'T HEAR THIS IN A JUDGMENTAL WAY - SEEMED DEPRESSING. LIKE I WOULD GO IN, AND FEEL WORSE THAN BEFORE I WENT IN. THE PEOPLE STANDING OUTSIDE SMOKING DIDN'T LOOK HAPPY, AND FROM WHAT I COULD SEE INSIDE, THEY DIDN'T LOOK HAPPY EITHER. IT LOOKED LIKE A PICTURE OF PEOPLE WHO WERE TRADING FOR A LESSER EVIL. THIS DEPRESSING STATE OF EXISTENCE OVER BEING COMPLETELY STRUNG OUT.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME IF I CAME OFF SNOBBY IN ANY WAY. I AM NOT JUDGMENTAL LIKE THAT. IT'S JUST THAT I DO HAVE A TENDENCY TO BE DEPRESSED OR DISCOURAGED (I HAD THE SINGLE MOM EARLY CHILDHOOD - MOLESTED AS A LATE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CHILD, ETC.), BUT I'M AFRAID IF BEING OPEN IN CHURCH DIDN'T WORK, AND FEELING LIKE GOING TO AN N/A MEETING WOULD ONLY MAKE ME MORE DEPRESSED, IS THERE A FORM OF AFTERCARE THAT WILL WORK FOR ME. OR AM I LEFT TO DO MOST OF IT ON MY OWN, FOR MYSELF, AND ALL OF THOSE OTHER PHRASES?

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST. AS FOR THE HONESTY ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD, I RARELY HAVE LET THAT OUT FOR ONE REASON - I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO EVER THINK I WOULD HURT A CHILD. MY WIFE KNOWS, AND OVER 12 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, I'VE BEEN ABLE TO CRY OUT TO HER WITH SPECIFICS A FEW TIMES, BUT I'VE READ OR HEARD THE STATISTICS ABOUT MOLESTED KIDS, AND HOW THEY BECOME PREDATORS. I WOULD DIE BEFORE HURTING A CHILD. I HAVE 3, ALMOST 4 OF MY OWN, AND NO ONE WILL EVER TOUCH OR HURT THEM. THEY CAN'T EVEN SPEND THE NIGHT AT THEIR UNCLE'S HOUSE BECAUSE OF HOW CAREFUL I AM. I DON'T CARE WHO IT OFFENDS WHEN IT COMES TO THEM. THAT KIND OF HURT NEVER GOES AWAY.  AS A TEACHER, I TELL MY STUDENTS I DESPISE PEOPLE WHO HURT KIDS. IT MAYBE SIN ON MY PART, BUT I HAVE VERY LITTLE MERCY OR GRACE FOR THOSE WHO HURT CHILDREN.

Sorry for that tangent. Thanks for your time, and reading this lengthy post. I needed to vent today. I was one of the teachers laid off in our district, and preparing things for our new baby in July makes the timing of all of this doubly hard. In short, any SPECIFIC advice about what aftercare is, and the 1,2,3 steps of it are, the way the withdrawal help was outlined would be so appreciated.

Going on the treadmill now. Love you guys. I mean it. David

[gnarly_1]

HI David sorry to see your relapse but now it time to get clean again....go into this thing with a plan I agree whole heartedly with using aftercare ....just quiting the pills is not enough that only makes you a dry addict youneed to lean the skills and tools to stay clean as addicts we have to change the very way we think and reason  were compulsive and we can talk our self into do any number of harmful things to our sobriety....you need to learn the early warning sighs ....your triggers that drive you to use a relapse starts days ahead of time we talk our selves into itwe often feel we ern it or our back pain is to much to handle without narcotics
theres a 1000 reason we will chose to use with aftercare you will learn 1000 reasons not to
you will get threw this detox and make it back to the other side dont take the sitnd wait approach become pro/active in your recovery...your a teacher it time for you to go to school and learn the ropes of sobriety you will be in my prayers David YOU CAN DO THIS  you just got to surrender to it and quit trying to beet it with strong will take a few night a week out of your life and learn about recovery life can be a beautiful place once again for you I wish you all the luck in the world with this use your strength in God and nail this thing to the cross once and for all...just know it maters to me that you make it message me any time........Gnnarly    

[quitinoxys]

David---You can do this you went through w/d before and made it to the otherside but I implore you to get aftercare as it makes all the difference in staying sober. I know you had a hard struggle the last time you quit but you didn't follow through with aftercare that is probably the reason you started using again. I know you might think once I get through the physical w/d part I will be ok but the physical part is only 1/3 of the journey to sobriety. The other 2/3 is mental and you need to develop the tools and skills through aftercare to stay on the journey to sobriety.

As you can see from my post I keep hammering the point of aftercare but it is a must if you want to live a sober life. I wish you luck and I as always will be praying for you. God Bless---Rick

[ImDONENoMore]

Hey David - it's good to see you again.  I wish under different circumstances - but that doesn't matter.  You CAME BACK.  Think about that - and have you thought about aftercare?  Quitting is one thing, staying off of them is quite another.  There have to be some serious changes for you to be successful.  You have a great wife, and a great family.  But something is keeping you from staying off of the pills completely - see a counselor and figure out what the something is.  Try ANYTHING to give yourself a fighting chance okay?  And don't EVER think you can't come back here and talk to everyone.  You will always be welcome.   :)

[atthebeach]

david everytime you come back. it is an answer to prayer. you recovery is yours. take it and possess it. hope,trust,faith, and believe. i will pray for you to have peace like a river in your heart,soul,mind,body and spirit.
ask and you shall receive,
sending blessings and hugs
debbie