I'm back, I slipped, and I need you guys

[Magdolna]

I don't think my last novel posted.  I was on here a week ago and had five days clean from roxy.  Well, I relapsed.  I have gone through 40 Roxy 15.  I really want to quit.  I am 34, a singe mom, educated with no job and living with Mommy and Daddy.  I'm too old for this.  I have been researching quitting today. I have one Roxy left.  I was thinking to get some Norco and starting a taper so this wasn't so Hellish this time around.  I live in a toxic environment.  My parents are very hard on me and always have been despite many successes until I started abusing pills at 28 to medicate myself for depression. I just never felt like I was enough.  Looking back I realize that I was awesome and I didn't realize my worth.  Whenever my parents say something critical to me my first go to is a pill or two or three or four.  I want to quit so badly.  I know that many doors will reopen in my life if I do.  What do you guys think about doing the taper?  I have the willpower to do it.  Sorry that I take and take from you guys but when I'm well I will be able to contribute with advice too.  Thank you in advance if you respond.

[Jerry198]

Do yourself a huge favor and delete the contact for your supply it will drive you nuts its like having a bottle at the house one of the hardest parts of the recovery is simply cutting off the supply and in some cases its not just some dealer but a family member or friend which makes it even harder but in any case it must be done or your recovery success is cut way down.  as far as getting anything done well its kinda do what you can and let the rest slide for awhile but please don't give up you have made it this far and if you can hold one until the end of the week things will look much brighter than today ...

[jifmoc]

Like I said, you won't WANT to do anything. Do it anyway. Just the basics.

What's the deal on meetings?

[Magdolna]

Ahhhhhhh!  I have no energy and I just don't want to do anything.  I plan on getting so much done and it just doesn't work.  I want to make  a phone call so bad and get some.  I just want to get some stuff done around here.  Ugh

[jifmoc]

Mag- 90 in 90 is suggested because it makes meetings become a habit. Just like drugs! In fact, "they" say go to a meeting every single day that you use drugs. You get the idea. I am SO glad you are doing that. I did 90 in 90 (actually 180 in 180 just about) and it was the way to go. I still go 5 or 6 days per week.

When you start going your thoughts will slowly start to change. The pill obsession will start to dissipate. Even in my WORST moments (and there are plenty) I do not think "if I had some pills, everything would be ok." Trust me, I got clean and tried to go it alone, doesn't work. Everyone told me it wouldn't work. And guess what? It didn't work!

You said that all you want is something to make you happy. That is addict thinking. Can you for now, just for now, accept the fact that probably nothing will make you happy? You are in detox. You need to LOWER your expectations. You will feel like crap, and you should. That's okay. As addicts we are TERRIFIED of "bad" feelings. They are just feelings. They will pass.

[HopeFromHeroin]

Magdolna,

I'm Ste. For real. Relax. Sit down. Take a breath. Replapse is part of recovery. It's not something we can't get over. It doesn't mean that your treatment failed it that you're no longer in recovery. You slipped up, everyone does. It's a completely normal experience. Don't beat yourself up. Message me to talk if you need to. I'm a clinical social worker at a mental healthcare facility and a recovering heroin addict. You're ok girl.

[therockguy]

So much to say. I have to accept it this time around. I need to build some self-worth. This brain is a madhouse, where the thoughts now control my body. The physical is over but the mental part of the journey has begun for the 100th time-over. I need to release my thoughts.

[Magdolna]

I really want to take the suggestion of going to meetings.  I can quit but if I don't get some kind of support after this sickness goes away then I'm afraid I will think, "Well, I did it!  Now let me celebrate with JUST one pill."  Starting next week I'm going to try and go to 90 meetings in 90 days.  Why do they suggest that anyway?  What is the significance of the 90 day thing?

[Jerry198]

Don't expect to much right off the bat.. just do what you can and let the rest slide. do you have any plan for getting clean or are you just going to wing it?

[Magdolna]

Thank you all for commenting.  Today is the first day and I 'm deeply depressed. It's 2:30p.m and I'm still lying around and have accomplished nothing.  I have zero energy.  I really want to force myself to get up, go wash, get dressed, and put some makeup on.  Then I want to study for a test I have to take and go grocery shopping.  I will really try to force myself to do this....not now, but in a few minutes (which has been my line all day).  All I want to do is just take something to make me a little happy.  I hope my natural ability to be happy comes back at least one day in the future.  If I know this then I can feel as if I'm not doing this all in vain.  

[Jerry198]

The taper is a hard one most of all if you are an ADDICT so my advice is take what you have when ever you feel is the right time then suck it up for the next week get some quick fix food for the kids some vitamins for yourself stay hydrated hit the shower when all else fails and come this time next week you will feel as if you are making that difference that you are craving.  The pills are a joke they don't make us anything but that we are not naturally we are all great with small issues that the pills only compound if you need them for  a pain issues that's fine but if your an addict that's what this site is for so stick around an we can help you.

[dominosarah]

Try not to fear the wd's as this is our bodies way of getting rid of the toxins.  We have numbed ourselves up for a long time and it takes a bit to get everything working again.  During this time force yourself to get up and move around.  That will help with your natural endorphins.  If depression has always been an issue talk with your doctor.  There are many AD meds out there that are non narcotic.  You can do this and get your life back~

[VICourageous]

Hit some of those Meetings..You will pick up so much info on all of this that you are talking about. The Mind-altering drugs do just that..The Neural Chems in the brain get all whacked out. Also while it is healing or balancing back it will send false signals to the Body. YOU just have to hold onto the Faith and with Faith comes more Experience, by experience you will have more Hope for the future in Recovery. This Disease is a very SERIOUS one and it takes working on to change. Nothing changes if nothing changes.. and know it will take TIME for all of this to balance back mentally, physically and spiritually.. It took me yrs to come around up-stairs in the Brain. Even today, almost 3 yrs later I still have things I work on, on a daily basis. Lots of Changes and Lots of Work to stay clean. If you feed that Pleasure part of the Brain just once, it will remember and off you go up & up..Also, the tolerance builds up so fast and you are still detoxing the opiates from those receptors. A clean Clear head sustaining from all drugs is the only way you will know the true you. I had 10m in and tried those AD meds and all they did was flat line me. (I stopped).  I had lost most of my Family when I had 18m in and I had to UP my Support in my real life and stick close to the site. Then a few months later 2 heart procedures..SO what I am saying is that we can deal with life on it's own terms so much better clean & sober if we give it TIME!!!  The detox Time varies from people to people do to age and how many yrs of using and so forth. SO..Just stay in the moment and try to keep yourself re-directed from your thinking. Read a passage from the good book or any book that has some kind of meditation type words from the lord. Just take a deep breath for today and it all will lay out right in front of you, as the months and yrs go bye. I wish you the best and try to be happy that you took your Life back!!!!
Bless

[Ronda8899]

I was going to taper because I was scared. I was terrified. My anxiety was telling me I would not get through it. Just two days ago I was laying in bed crying telling my fiancé I wasn't going to wake up in the morning. Well guess what I woke up. I made it another day. Don't let the mental voices ruin what you need to do.

[Magdolna]

Yeah, my addict brain was telling me to get Norco.  I'm not going to do it.  I'm scared to do this but it's time.

[Ronda8899]

I've been in therapy an taking a mood stabilizer for awhile. We for sure think we always have to be in control. It's one of the hardest things for me is giving up control. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop medicating because it's only going to make it worse and get some real help for your depression. That way your depression won't bring you back to the pills.

[Magdolna]

I honestly think that we think that we always need to be in control of our emotions and feel good.  

[Magdolna]

Thank you Ronda.  I wish you the best.  You are exactly right:  I started this to deal with anxiety and depression and I really think I need to get on a mood stabilizer or something.  

[Ronda8899]

Please go see someone about your depression. It can be handled without narcotics. Trust me I know. I have depression, panic disorder, and anxiety. Your depression will get worse when you stop because you have basically been numbing everything with the pills. I did the same with my anxiety. It's now worse. We numb ourselves because it's easier to do than to deal with what's making us depressed or anxious. I know it's harder because we are dealing with more than one thing. But it's managable. As long as you go about it the right way.

[Magdolna]

Thank you guys.  As you said, I am going to have to be "ok with not feeling ok" for awhile.  I really appreciate your comments and yes, I do want to be a great mom.  I never want my son to remember or see this side of me.  He is 1.5 years old and I still have that open door to leave the pills behind and he won't even know how sucky of a mom I have been.  He gets what he needs but emotionally I'm detached and that's not cool.  Thanks guys.  Hugs.

[Magdolna]

I went cold turkey and couldn't handle the depression.  

[jifmoc]

Hi, everything you are saying is addiction 101. Opiates zap motivation completely. You are depressed because you are using "downers" and are staying in the cycle.

No, do not get Norco to detox. That is just your addict brain telling you to keep using. The very first thing you need to do is CANCEL ALL CONTACTS. You should not have any access to pills. If you do, you will be back here again. You've already proven this. Block/delete ph #s. Do whatever you have to do to make sure you cannot physically get any/

The next is, as our pal Gnarly always says: You'll just have to be okay w/ NOT being okay for a while. Detox sux. We all know that. It is horrible. But it is the price we pay for swallowing pills to attain instant happiness and numbness. You just have to go thru it. It is doable. Trust me.

Stay on here. Are you willing to do what is suggested. We've all been where you are and you can get to the other side if you take direction.

[Ronda8899]

I really don't think the best way to come off pills is to go to a different type of pill. You need to get rid of that last pill. Throw it out flush it but don't take it. By getting rid of it and not takin it you will prove to yourself you are going to do this. Your the only one that can control what you do and how you feel. If you are depressed then therapy and a dr can help. Self medicating will not help. Taking pain pills actually makes depression and anxiety worse. If your ashamed of how you have been dressing get the motivation to get around and get yourself dressed. Do not let what others say effect what you do. If your a single mom you need to use your child as motivation to really get and stay clean. I'm sure you want to be the best mom you can be. You can do this you just have to have the right frame of mind and know you can.

[Tom86]

tell me how did you go about stopping this last time.  Did you do it on your own? did you taper, use suboxone ect

[Magdolna]

Also I am really scared of the severe depression to come.  Very scared.