I'm doing...

..what all you guys said and i don't get that part about when you get the craving u do something like take a bath or what was it ... watch a video.  because i don't want to do that i want to get my stuff and i want to do that.  and the thing about being alone i guess i'm weak i'm so bad at it.  this house is so quiet.  it is quieter than you have ever heard.  and i want my phone numbers and my contacts and i want my stuff.  i don't want to read a magazine or go outside or write or work out and i know you all said i am strong and sometimes yah i am but not right now and a lot of times no i'm not. it's so big.  this addiction is so so so so big.  pls advise

[Brightfutureahead]

Not saying you aren't depressed....I've been there meeg....but some of your posts and comments are so raw and witty. I like your style and enjoy reading your posts...so I know you have to have some spark left in ya girl!

So keep writing, not only for my pleasure (lol ;) but for yourself....if you make a strong effort to change (like...you know when you REALLY -want-this kind of thing)...then you can only get different results...which is what we're going for here. No change, same results. Change, different results. ok again I'm rambling bc I'm tired as well....hang in there. ~sleepless in NJ

[IBKleen]

We also spoke with you about aftercare is that is why it is so important. You need to work on you and find out why you are running and hiding from your feelings or from your past or from your present or whatever it is. Once you get in touch with it it becomes easier not to self-medicate and hide. It takes time and it takes work. But if you put as much work into your recovery as you did your active addiction I promise good things will happen lady.

Hang in there and whatever you do--don't use!!

[Rodone]

I'm on day 5,if I get a cravin I put my iPod on real loud to the best albums I have an go for a bike ride through the woods,or just run on the trails.as fast as I can...an it helps a lot I get the edge off....try it...hope everything works out for you...

[vicki595]

You did the right thing by getting on the forum and talking about it! Sometimes, writing it down diffuses the craving. Try to think about this...it's only a craving but it's not your reality. It's a thought, it's in your head and THAT you have a LOT of control over.    In the earlier days, I had so many triggers and cravings it felt like the fabric of my entire being was pills and I missed them.  But, I'd try to do some stupid things to get my mind somewhere else. After a time it just became automatic. If I thought about the pills I just flipped to a default thought (what I called it) and it passed quickly.

HAHA! Vacuuming was a big one for me and I did it a lot! Something about the noise and the physicality of it, I guess, but it worked for me. If it was inconvenient to vacuum I would (and still do this) try to remember all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody! Now I do that whenever I have an obsessive thought that I don't want about ANYTHING. It's like meditation. So, do that right now and write it down here!  I promise you, you WILL NOT think about IT!!  xoxo

[kyle505]

We all get cravings...No matter if you're 7 days, months or years clean, you get them. As has been posted here many, many times, the physical detox is nothing compared to the mental side of recovery.
So, we suggest that you do a couple of things, including getting rid of the sources, telling your secret and getting involved in some sort of after care (and no, this forum does not qualify as after care).
I'm 8 months clean. It's Saturday and, for once, I don't really have that much to do. Do I want some pills so the warm and fuzzies will take over? You bet.
Will I use? No, because I've made it almost impossible to get meds. Plus I know that this feeling will pass, and I will get back to enjoying life, as is.
This is a dangerous time for you; you do have to keep busy, keep your mind occupied. Make new memories, new experiences without drugs. Get your butt out of the house and so something. At the day's end you will feel good, and proud, of what you've accomplished. And there will be no guilt waiting for you when you wake up in the morning.

[Finallyfree828]

Music helps alot! Inspirational preferably, Christian music, it lifts your spirit and mood and helps you not feel alone, do tell your struggles with someone, get an accountability partner you can trust, not someone who takes pills, get into a church if your not already, get connected with people who love the Lord and will pray with you.. And for you.. Lose the numbers of those so called contacts you want back because trust me when I say they aren't your friends... When your at your lowest you find out quickly who's really your friend and who was just your druggie friend... And I'm willing to bet not one person you called friend would be there through it all with you! I know.. I've been there... You will make it through this but sitting and sulking and feeling sorry for yourself is easy to do and it's exactly what Satan wants for you to do! Don't let him win any longer, try and remember who you were before drugs... Strive to achieve who you were and who you're meant to be in Christ! You are so loved by your family and by God, that he died for you and he knew you would go through this before you were even born! You already have the strength to do this, you have to find it inside you! Jesus will take this burden from you if you ask it of him, surrender it to him let it go and ask him to heal you from this bondage! Your better than this stuff! Your going through this stuff now, but what men do for harm to you, God turns around and uses it for his glory.. In other words, yes you went down this path, but if you let Him, God will use your testimony and your experiences to help someone else who's in your current situation... There's no better help out there then talking to someone who's been there done that and made it out alive and well on the other side... Write back if you'd like to talk ok! Praying for you!

[meegWpaw]

Thank you again ... vicki i love the Queen thing..  Very funny.  & your message overall felt good.  As always, everyone is helpful.  It's such a gift to get so much concern and advice and people put a lot of time into it.  Thank you.  You are appreciated.

Kyle, I thought medhelp did qualify as aftercare!!!!  seriously!   Idk what the hell do I know.  I went to a meeting today out of pure desperation to get out of the house since i am not a rah rah meeting kind of person.  This is the first meeting i have ever been to, and i've been to a lot, at which a guy told me, 'Oh go ahead and do your drugs ... just don't die.'  I was all ... ummm??????   It wasn't exactly the inspiration I'd sought.  however getting out was good and some of the others knew me and were kind.

Yes, figure out what is the real issue that is the issue isn't it?

Distraction.

Physically in this time around I've been real lucky with the symptoms only I'm real lethargic .... weekends are worst ... and I've been very very very very very depressed.

But I have you guys ... and that is really amazing.  And I have a lot of work ahead and things to think about so I can try to get some more support, cuz i need a lot, and to figure stuff out.  

sorry about the whining and complaining.

muchas gracias mis amigos

meeg

[Fireby29]

This is going to be short, because it is late and I am beat.  I just want to add a bit to what Kyle said, because it has really given me a sense of peace and consequently an edge in staying clean.  I do stuff to deal with cravings, exercise, music, go outside, video games, whatever.  But the biggest help?..

I know I cannot get any pills.  I have all but sealed it off.  It can be scary sometimes, but almost all of the time it gives me a peace to feel like it is over.....finally.  Doesn't matter that I crave it sometimes.....make sense?  Your doing great, hang in there.

Bryan

[meegWpaw]

That scares the hell out of me.  And my sources are so numerous and convoluted that it is also difficult, daunting, and sometimes seemingly impossible.

But I am going to figure that part out.  Continuing work on it today.

Thank you so much n even you are tired.  :)

[Brightfutureahead]

Not saying you aren't depressed....I've been there meeg....but some of your posts and comments are so raw and witty. I like your style and enjoy reading your posts...so I know you have to have some spark left in ya girl!

So keep writing, not only for my pleasure (lol ;) but for yourself....if you make a strong effort to change (like...you know when you REALLY -want-this kind of thing)...then you can only get different results...which is what we're going for here. No change, same results. Change, different results. ok again I'm rambling bc I'm tired as well....hang in there. ~sleepless in NJ

[meegWpaw]

Sorry you're sleepless Bright, boy do I know what that's like. So sorry :(  Yes I am bipo so I can be real happppeeeeee .... which is good, you know?  Ty for the props that is a huge boost to me right now, and glad you enjoy.

I wanted to let you all know I did some things last nite, I know my little stupid recountings are not of such consequence when others struggle so as well, but ... I feel I should let you know the good as well as the bad.

i was not honest ... I was not clean yesterday as I did smoke two ratty and twisted up paper clips sucking desperately and shaking an old nearly empty lighter.  I wanted to let you know that smoking paper clips does not get you high and is no fun.  I am being honest in saying it was sad for me to throw away my last vestige of experimentation with this drug.  But I did feel ok waking up without those damn clips under my bed today.  maybe not ecstatic.  but all right.

I cut more sources last night.  Have lots more to go.

Last nite, late when I would disturb ppl actually having a Saturday night, I called a couple ladykins who I met last year in NA.  One I liked kind of a lot and we talked for over an hour, I ... swallowing NA mockery and resistance ... I asked her to be my sponsor.  She said yes.  She is a doll and she was so sweet.  She made SIX suggestions (I explained that I have a job and other things to do, man!) and she uttered the words my ears have always cringed in horror to:   90 in 90.  Told her I knew what they were going to say "I'm so grateful for NA blah blah blah".  I will attend a meeting, after yesterday's, with her tonite.  Im so excited.  sic

But best of all, I walked out this morning into my yard and there were three callalilies blooming by the wood fence, some wildflowers, and the air is still cool, it is early, and the weeds growing this way and that are beautiful.  And I stopped. I stopped.  And I looked at it all and I saw that it was beautiful.

Good morning, medhelp.

[Finallyfree828]

"if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got!" write that down post it on your mirrors around your house your room! It's so true! Read your bible, take your inspiration from wherever you can! It really does help knowing that no matter what, He is on your side!

[ImDONENoMore]

Ummm what? What is smoking paper clips?

[meegWpaw]

It's kind of too embarrassing to say but it has to do with H.

:o

[vicki595]

Is it CODE for smoking Pot or Oxy?  What???  LOL

[Dane74]

Im confused?  Thank you for being honest, but seriously, i don't understand what your talking about???  Glad you went to a meeting and found a sponsor, but you really need to get some serious help here, as smoking whatever it is is just asking for a disaster to happen.

[ImDONENoMore]

OK I get it.  And you are exactly right.  NOT good.

But learn from it, and move on.  You can't go back in time and change things but you DO have control over what you choose to do right NOW.  And that's what all of this breaks down to, really.  Our choices made in each and every moment we encounter.  One single moment at a time.

[meegWpaw]

gah i guess it's a west coast thing ...  

mp

[Brightfutureahead]

Good morning meeg...I was walking my dogs last night and my senses were flooded with these awsome smells of the woods and wheat fields...it was nice...b4 I probably wouldn't have taken the time to notice.

Good job cutting sources. Keep going. I had 3 to cut and each one was hard but afterwards it felt good (kind off peaceful, as others have alluded to).

My melatonin was just not working so I finally caved and took an ambien last night. My hubby said that I was not up doing yardwork or making sandwiches so that's good (always afraid of those stories that you here about people doing weird things while on ambien)

Speaking of...(and this is not being smart at all)....smoking paper clips? I don't get it...was there something on or between them....or is this just something I've never heard of?

Anyways...at least you were honest with yourself this am and came on here to post. I wish you luck at your meeting :) good job!

[Brightfutureahead]

Oooh ok, sry. I just looked at some more of the above comments about the paper clip thing. Gotcha. Yeah- easier said than done but stay away from that sh**

[Brightfutureahead]

Oooh ok, sry. I just looked at some more of the above comments about the paper clip thing. Gotcha. Yeah- easier said than done but stay away from that sh**

[meegWpaw]

Yeah i know i know ::hanging head::  but, i mean, it was gone there was nothing on them.  and i threw them away and it's all gone all gone.  ooohhhh bad i know.  

Thank you for the tough love and concern everyone

::scared::

meeg

[vicki595]

Well...  I Don't get it...I'm from the EAST coast and I've only used paper clips to unlock a door when there wasn't a key! LOL

I guess it doesn't matter if you've stopped the behaviour and don't feel bad! Is it worse than unlocking a LOCKED DOOR?  Come on! We all do stuff!  xoxo

[meegWpaw]

thank ya vicki  :)