Im dying inside

Ive been posting off and on for a few months and quietly trying to get off the pain meds to no avail.  I finally got the courage to face it and told the only person that matters to me in my whole life my wife.

I told her everything and left out nothing.

She left me after 20 years and won't come home.  Ive laid in a ball on the floor for 3 days now detoxing and crying.  I want to die.  I cant live without her and dont know what to do.  Ive screwed everything up because I dont have the courage to say no.

She refuses to understand that I am addicted and that the lies and hiding was part of the addiction.  She says I chose them over her and this is the second time and the last.

I don't know what to do.  I want to be clean and be that husband I always was but I think now its over.  I threw everything away and its been 48 hours since the last dose.

Please pray for me

[IBKleen]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. This is the cost of our addiction and we always pay a price.

The only thing I can suggest is that you continue to get clean and get the help to stay clean. Your actions will speak for you. Then maybe, just maybe, you can work on your marriage.

Understand that she is hurt, angry, disappointed, etc. and it is going to take her time to gain trust. that is something that is earned.

Focus on you right now and everything else will fall into place.

I hope to see you stick around talk. Now is the time for you to be around people like you who understand what you are going through.

I will keep you in my prayers.

[motherprayforme]

thank you I will stick around.

I cannot stop crying.  If I lose her it will destroy me.  I thought by telling the truth she would see that step and work with me through this.  I never thought she would leave.

I am sorry I did it now.  I've been trying to get off of them for over a year to no avail.  It seemed like the only thing to do.

Now I have hurt the only person that I care about.

[tweekie]

I'm with IBKleen,  just focus on your sobriety and the rest will follow.  Just hold on to the pain you feel now  and don't forget it. As addicts we have to realize the consequences of our actions. Be a good person for yourself, and it will be from the heart. Don't just clean up for her. Pray to G-d, everyday, and fill yourself up with G-d and his word.  The light will come at the end of the tunnel. Stay focused on the each day and what you can do that will make you a healthier person.

[motherprayforme]

I'm going to go to Mass today at noon.  It's first Friday.

[motherprayforme]

Do you think that keeping a journal through this whole experience might be helpful to my wife once she decides to come home.

I barely made it through Mass today.  I have only eaten a can of soup since Wednesday and am now cramping up.  I have no appetite and Im only on day two off the drugs.  Oh God my heart hurts for what I have done to her.

[tweekie]

Keep a journal for yourself, so you can see your progress. If you can't eat try drinking. Try bland foods, try foods that are easy like fruits, watermelon is great, water and melon.
Stop obsessing about your wife. You will continue to make your head hurt. Focus on taking care of your body and soul. If you have a headache take some tylenol or some motrin, those will work. Also, take a wash cloth and stick it in the freezer, it feels good to rub it on your face with a fan blowing, the sound of the fan and the cool of the cloth, I don't know call me crazy.  When your body starts doing the hokey pokey and the twitchy twitch, go for a walk around the block or something.  Do not focus on beating your self up right now, it is just plain unproductive. Take it slow and think my body and mind are sick right now, must take care of them to make them better.  Love and light your way!!

[rafe44]

Hang in there brother, ive been where you are right now. You might want to check your area for some type of addiction meetings , AA ,NA. Boy you made me remember all the cryin that i did. And im a big ole red neck man, lol  Just take it real Slow. And God Bless you.

[motherprayforme]

I will do as you said.  I don't remeber ever feeling this broken.  I'll keep you posted   Thanks so much

[hook1423]

day3 for me ...hang in their..........your in my prayers

[jt808]

hey i can totalyy relate to u and trust me i know how hurt u are trust me i told my fiancee thinking the same thing that she woukld work wth me and we could get thru this together but instead she leaft me when i needed her most and it kiiled me to know that she was soooo hurt and thought tthat i chosed her over the pills, and that i lied and all that but i tried explaining that i didnt wana do it i was just so far into my addiction she didnt wana her that tho and i guess i really cant blame her for that, but belive me it hurts ALOT and im hear for u if u ever just need to vent or talk to ask Qs or anythng cuz i was were u are about 8 months ago and i kno how l;onel;y it could be but stay strong do not let urself or ur life go any further down the drain cuz trust me it can cuz mine did so plz stay strong for u and than for her u kno that if u get clean theres a decent chance of getting the love of ur life back, but u know if u fail and keep doing drugs there is NO WAY she will go back with you... stay strong and talk me whenever u need to.k.good luck!

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Sounds to me like you need some emtrol amd immodium......maybe a few cans of Ensure - I liked Walgreens store brand of liquid protein meal replacement drinks.  Your wife is hurt very deeply right this minute. Concentrate on what you actually have control over this second.....  Everything else will fall into place.....  Might want to get some dvd's from the library on meditation, yoga, and tai chi - - cho gong........................ keep occupied in as productive a way as you can. And for sure keep posting here with questions and for support.......

[worried878]

ur post caught my eye..cos i feel as if i have already died inside...but i have felt like that before..and u always come back to earth..always....u have to fight to come back...but u can...i am sorry ur honesty caused this...cos it should not have...not when someone loves u....dishonesty will get u in a heap of trouble tho....and u woulda been anyway had u not fessed up...it woulda caught up with u...u did the best u could....u made a giant first step...i am so sorry u r dealing with this loss as it sux major hot dogs.....if she is not gonna support u then u gotta find ur higher power and do this alone...and u can..i did detox alone...have u looked into some aftercare?   right now u need to focus on u...hurting while u r trying to do sumpin so huge doesnt help...but using wont either....gotta find ur inner strength..get up...let go and move forward..she may return..who knows???  life is one big gamble..but we gotta live it

[GabbersMommy22]

Hang in there! The most important thing right now is you get clean. You cant be any good to yourself or anyone else while your using. Really it does get alot better once the wds are over. Just think of the crying as you are helping your body get rid of the poison faster. Once thats over with.... everything will work its self out as long as you stay clean.

[motherprayforme]

Thank you so much for your input it really helps.  I've brought my Brother and a few best friends in and they are here with me.  I also spent 3 hours with our Bishop and he prayed over me so I guess soul wise I'm ok.

My wife called this afternoon and ask me to come over.  She is 1 hour down the road at our weekend place in the swamp.  I went and brought her dinner and water etc.  I could tell that she had not been out of the bed for 2 days.

I stayed for a few minutes and then she asked me to go home.  Liked to crush me.

I told her I loved her and left.

She told me I betrayed her.  I know I didnt.  She just doesnt understand the drugs, lying and fear of WD.

Oh God I hate this.  But I know that He will make what is supposed to happen out of this.

Thanks to all of you and prayers to you as well

Lastly,  I don't know how to act right now around her.  Should I be just as sad and crying with her as she is or should I try to be strong and look like I am getting up and moving forward.  I dont want her to think that I am taking this lightly because you all know I'm not.

[leeisgettingclean]

do what feels right. I was always told if its right you will insticly know its right. You seem like a very wise guy. Do what your heart is telling you. May you be truly blessed

[IBKleen]

You should never "act" anyway. Go with what you feel. When we are in our active addictions we don't feel at all. Now is the time to let yourself feel. After all, they are just that...feelings. they are neither good nor bad.

Let her see the "real" you who I am sure she not seen in a long time.

It seems the healing has begun.

[miriam1975]

I don't know if I can help you, but I am crying with you. Maybe we can do this together. I am day one off of lortab and can't stop crying and having panic attacks. My skin is all jumping and I am scared to death I will not sleep. My husband just took the boys to the skate park so I wouldn't scare them, as they have no clue what Is going on.

I hope I can get through this. I feel so low. I can't find the girl I used to be.

love,
me

[motherprayforme]

Thanks so much to all of you.  I cannot begin to answer each of you but I read every comment twice.  I'm a little surprised by the amount of love both here and at home.  I'm surrounded by it.  I know that she is working through this at her own pace.  I know that currently she feels betrayed and she is questioning what has been truth and what has not.  I also know that the dog house is my future for quite some time and no problem with that as long as she comes home.

I'm not sorry for telling her the truth.  Her not knowing about this has been the darkness that has kept it going all these years.

Now the light of truth has been shined on it and the darkness has to flee.  I hate that this has hurt her for she did not deserve it.  

I hope and pray that somewhere in the end this will stengthen us and bring us closer together.  But for now it just hurts.

And to miriam1975 you are helping.  I empathize with you so much right now.  Why is world built to systematically destroy peoples lives in the illusion that the doctors are helping us??  Please hold on and we will all get better soon

Remember this "Jesus gives the greatest share of His cross to His Best Friends"

Bless you All,  I'm sure Ill be back tomorrow morning in tears again!

[kweenofharts]

I just read your story too.  Thank you for responding to my post.  It is sheer fear.  I am so sorry you are in pain.  My man of 9yrs is an addict, and left me 2 months ago.  I still feel like I am dying.  

[Cissy373]

I am so sorry your wife left you but she probably just needs space and time, as they say time heals all wounds.

I am a Christian but also an Addict and know I am praying for you and also your wife that she understands and realizes how much you love her.

HE IS ABLE.

Cissy

[motherprayforme]

I cannot seem to get comfortable in bed.  My legs are over the place.  I didn't want to go through this alone

[10356]

I'm very sorry you are going through this alone.. when you are struggling with your legs going nuts it is time for a very Hot bath/shower as many times a day/night for as long as you can.. I also believe it is for the best your wife knows.. this may explain to her so many things that she may have thought otherwise.. being distant and seretive is a part of addiction and one that makes our spouses question themselves.. as she see's you emerge from the fog you have been living in and gets glimpses of the man she fell in love with I think this will go a long way in helping her to forgive you..  Now with you getting clean and it out in the open you Both can begin to heal and rebuild what has been neglected.. I wish you and your wife well in this time of healing.. lesa

[worried878]

Time heals..AS far as acting strong or weak..it is hard to really act different than u feel inside..u can do it for a bit but the charade is short lived..I would however keep my chin up and do positive things like meetings etc to get the addiction solved....let her know u r workin on it....u will be clean...and u will be free..and thigs have a funny way of working our for the best...stay positive///books out there/self help books did wonders for me...meetings everywhere at all times of day and night, an exercise program rox cos it will help the depression and the anxiety, private counseling if possible is good as well...I guess I am saying move forward..u have to with or without her..cos the other choice/stayin in addiction and losing more and more of ur life is not what i would thing u would want....if she loves u she will come home....she will...be patient

[motherprayforme]

Waking up to not find her there is worse than the withdrawals.  Knowing how much she is hurting inside is driving me nuts.  

This is the beginning of day 3.  My cats have finally joined me on the bed this morning.  I called my wife this morning to check on her and she sounded the same.  I told her I was worried about her health because I know she is just sitting there.  It's very quiet there because it is out in the woods by some water.  When I stopped by yesterday I could physically feel the depression of this around me because there is nothing to stimulate your senses.  So she just sits there in the moment and lives it over and over again.  I told her that until she returned home around her own things especially the cats that this was not going to heal.  She said that she would come home tomorrow.  I have no idea what to expect.

We do have 22 years together but she has a very strong will.  She has a tendency to make her mind up about something and then thats it.  

I'm going to try and eat something today and move around.  The least I can do is have the place clean for her and give her the space she is going to need.



When I told my best friend about this and about the guy on the street who has been providing me with all of these pills he wanted to beat him up.  I realized at that point that if I had just told him about it that connection could have been severed and I could have avoided all of this for my wife.  I dont know what to think.  I also feel as if by telling her about it no matter the hurt that it will finally really be over.

Sorry I'm drolling on.  I guess I'm going to get up.

Peace to you all

[miriam1975]

I think your wife is going to be so proud of you doing this... that it could renew everything. But you may not see that as a possiblility... because, like me, we are in a very temporary dark hole.

We can do this!! I still feel horrible, but I keep reading that every day is better. I'm holding on to that!!

[motherprayforme]

I hope you are right.  Its the Sunday morning day 4 and my mind is clearing.  It's like seeing the world new again.  I'm noticing little tiny daily things that look beautiful to me in their simplest.

My wife and I talked yesterday and she has reached mad as a hornet stage.  She is coming home today and told me she would be here when I got home from church.  She is very fearful I think to returning to the scene of the crime.  Something I failed to mention is that the jerk that was giving me these pills lives just behing us to the corner our house.  My wife is scared about him being around for her own safety.  I called him last night and told him my wife was wise to his actions and that 4 of my best friends are as well and that if he is smart he would be very scarce from this point out.  

I started keeping a journal and writing my feelings down and plan to share it as time goes by with my wife.

I also contacted (why I didnt think of this sooner)  our closests friends who live an hour away and told them about it.  They went through the same thing except it was the wife who had the problem.  She and my wife adore eachother and I think that it will be helpful to my wife to have another woman to talk to that can actually help her understand what it was I was going through.

Of course I cleaned the entire house and cut the grass so she doesnt come home to a mess.

I'll let you all know how this turns out.  I better get out my bullet proof vest and turn my mouth off for a few weeks!

Take care

[Cissy373]

I am so happy your wife is coming home and I think the friend that had the problem too would be a lot of help to your wife.

Good luck and I pray all works out for you. This truly is not easy.

Cissy

[motherprayforme]

Update,  It was one week ago today that this entire thing started.  I want to first thank everyone that posted to me over last weekend.  I cannot begin to tell you what it was like to have some support during those terrible 72 hours.

My wife did return home on Sunday just before I left for Church.  We talked on the couch for a few minutes and then I left.  We went to lunch and spent most of the day quietly sitting and reading.  I asked her how she was and checked on her through out the day.  That evening she told me that she was not mad at me but that we needed to make changes to our lives.  She expressed that we were both drinking too much and that we should try to cut everything back in order to make a better life for ourselves.

It's been a tough week knowing that I hurt her so much but today is day 8 off of the drugs and my body feels much better.  I even went back to the health club.  We're taking it one day at a time and just trying to make each day count.  

I don't have any cravings at the moment for any pills and hope that they do not develop once the emotion of what happened wears off.  I do know that clarity of mind is far better than the fog of pills.  

That drug is evil.  You start taking thinking it is fun but wind up hating it as it takes over and destroys lives.

I don't know if it was the grace of God or just the pure adrennillin from my wife leaving but somehow I was spared the worst of withdrawal.  I don't know why with the amounts I was taking but I'm not complaining.

I'll keep you posted and try to spend some time around here to pay your kindness forward and help others.

God bless you all,