Im in very bad shape =(

[Wilted Rose]

Im sure not doing well today at all. I started going Coldturkey from pills and thought i was doing somewhat ok until my back started going out again. It never fails, every single time I run out of pills, my back goes out!!!! ANd I mean severe debilitating pain that keeps me locked bent over and cant walk or anything. I dont know how I am ever going to beat this. Ive tried so many other meds to try and help my pain when im out of narcs (tramadol/ultram, ketoprofin,Flexeril, Skelaxin and countless others that I cant remember the names of. None of them work). I am so depressed today. I woke up in such horrible pain and so depressed that I just laid there and cried for a good hour. And then I went downstairs and stole, yes, STOLE some of my husbands darvocets! Ive done it before but usually I ask first if I can have some. But today I just took some and now I feel even worse emotionally. He's going to know I did it too, theres a lot less in his bottle (i took some before too when he first got the Rx filled) and he's gonna know he didnt take that many himself. I even tried to put fake vitamins that looked the same shape and size in there to repalce the ones i took =(
So now here I sit with all my addictions facing me. My tpical day goes like this: wake up pop pills (preferably vicodin or percs, but in the past have been tyl 3's or darvocets when I couldnt get the more powerful ones). Pop my pills as soon as i get out of bed, go smoke a cigarette, drink a cup of coffee and turn on the computer. All of these things are my addictions and I do them ritualistically every morning the same way. I used to call it my 4 C's -- Codeine, Cigarette, Coffee and Computer.
...to continue

[Wilted Rose]

...Anyways I am just a horrible mess today, cant stop sobbing and Im feeling guilty and panicky and not knowing what I m going to do with my back out again like this and no pills to take. Cant keep stealing husbands. Cant get a legitmate refill for at least a week. Have exhausted all other options of people I have bummed pills from in the past. They wont loan me anymore "spares", Ive already asked too many times from so many people. I am so pathetic.  I just dont know what to do anymore =(

[htp115]

first, stop and take a deep breath.  i dont know your whole situationm but its sounds so much like what i've gone through many, many times. wont your husband understand that your in pain? and let you have some darvocets? how long ago did you go c/t? i'm asking cause i also suffer w/ chronic pain and it's been typical of me to take all my pills and then have none left when i need them. i'll be online for a bit this morning if you need to talk.

luv ya,
tink

[athena-8]

Oh sweetie, I just want to let you know you are not alone. Exactly 9 days ago, I had a day exactly like the one you are describing. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I loathed myself and how small my life had become. I was a liar and a theif and had lost all sense of who I had been prior to the pills.

But Rose, there's hope. There's hope of reconnecting with your true authentic self lying dormant beneath your shame. I promise. The following day, I now call Day #1. I'm on Day #10 today. C/T from asst. pain pills and benzos. ANd guess what? I'm actually seeing glimpses of the AThena I left behind. The one who's honest, reliable, caring, giving and fun.

I'm sorry you're having this horrible day but there's hope for you. Most of us don't get on the right path after something great happens in our lives; most of the time I think it takes a real low like the one you are experiencing.

I do not have chronic pain, so I have no solutions to offer there. Oh except one--once my back went out unexpectedly and at the doc I requested they not give me narcotics; they ended up giving me a shot of Torodol, a very, very strong anti-infammatory. The results were quick and most amazing. My back stopped spasming and I felt much better within 20 minutes.

CHin up, kid, let us know how we can support you.

Idea: Can you sit down with your husband and perhaps your doctor and share that you think you have a problem and would like to do something about it? You might be amazed at their response, and how good you'll feel--taking a huge step toward getting out from under this oppressive addiction.

All the Best,

--AThena

[painmedaddict]

I know exactly how you feel.  I go through the same thing at the end of every month when my scripts run out.  Going cold turkey is not the way to go at all.  I have severe back pain I deal with every day and take a combo of morphine, vicodin, kolonopin and the list goes on.  I have been on these meds for quite a while and abused them too.  But...I have learned that the anxiety and pain that comes along with no longer having any left is not worth it.  I am in the same situation, slowly trying to ween myself off.  It is very difficult I know.  Chronic back pain is a very serious issue, but after weening yourself off the narcotics there are other ways to deal with the pain.  Talking to a pain management doctor about other meds, non-narcotic, is a possibility.  When I am done weening myself off I will be doing the same.  But be careful, many of these doctors like to hand out the narcotics.  I know mine over prescribes me which is why i need to ween myself off myself. Kolonopin helps alot with anxiety when weening yourself off though.....just be careful with it and use it when necessary because it to can be habit forming IF you abuse it.  It is beginning to help me.  Good luck with everything, and you should be able to be honest with you husband if he understands the problems you are going through.  Dont make yourself feel worse by having to hide your problems from your husband, he is there to support you im sure.  Once again, good luck.

With Love,
"K"

[ohsnap]

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.  I know how you feel.  My fiance had hernia surgery in January, and when I was taking pills from him, I felt so horrible!  First I would ask him, then I would just take, because he knew about my issues with pain pills. It was the worst guilt in the whole wide world, which then sparked my anxiety/panic attacks.  Oh, it is such a vicious circle.  I hope and pray that your pain will let up, both emotionally and physically, and you will be able to break through this darkness.  If you need to talk, I am here.

[Marce4]

Hey there!  Been there too! I can't believe the people that I have stolen pain meds from....didn't care if they were percs/hydro/oxy....I do have legitimate pain to this day but narcotics and I don't mix. I can't be a responsible user and tapering was not an option for me. It may be for you but you need to be honest with yourself and do what you think is best!  Either way you may need to be honest with your husband and maybe speak with your dr about other pain options. I also had toradol and it does help...it is not something you can take long term but is good for acute pain.  The emotional part of this disease really is the worst...it eats us up inside and the guilt is overwhelming. You are really not alone in this because so many of us here know exactly where you are in your  head right now!  You are a good person and need to give yourself a break. I hope you find your answer and can move forward.
Peace,
Marcie