I'm losing it

i decided yesterday that i was going to take a break from this forum cause it is sometimes hard to read some posts and i notice how there are 1 or 2 people on here that love to feed off these negative posts and start **** and for you i say, your a waste of my breath. but right now i need this place more than ever today.

anyway this week has been the worst time since i was clean 3 months ago and im losing it today. an old friend stopped by and she did not know i was clean, nor how bad i got into coke and she brought some with her. anyway although i didn't touch it, the cravings have not left me and im going insane today. an hour ago i found out that one of our closest customers died from cancer. this man was one of those people that wore a smile on his face no matter what. never complained and was honestly the nicest, kindest man you could meet. it just makes me angry because some people go through their lives hating and are hurtful just cause they are unhappy and it makes me want to puke.

right now it's taking everything i possibly have to not use. im in coke mode and my mind won't let it go. i have every reason to use, and the only thing keeping me from that is i know i can 't. cause at this point and how i feel i don't think i would stop. although i really needed a break from here, i can't today now, cause this is my only support group and the only people i can talk to about this. my god, this is so painful and my stomach is churning so bad for coke right now and my nose won't stop twitching. i feel ******* desperate.

[avisg]

hun, look how far you have come hun in three months ........ I know you know what even doing alittle would do .Dont go anywhere, yes there are some people here that for whatever reason just want to start drama .....Just let it go take all of the good leave the bad ........ we are all here for you hun.

[jafro]

I haven't checked the board this afternoon or seen anything negative - but maybe you could exchange messages/emails with folks you feel closer to - and who have supported you?. Get the support without having to read the board? I haven't known you long - but I care - can relate - and am here.

[cathy5841]

so sorry you are having it bad the last few days,  but you can not go back.  you have come to far to even look back.  please just take a walk...focus on something that will occupy your whole mind so nothing else can enter it.  you cant do thisto yourself...then the guilt would eat you up.  you know i am here.
cathy

[sickcookie]

Take a deep breath and a pen and paper and write done all the terrible stuff about the coke make that list long and dig deep,then get outside and walk .I know its cold but it might feel really good.You will get past this Giz that was a huge trigger and you want to be clean so fight that devil in your head .I am glad your here Hang in this will pass

[Flutterby111]

I know...and I'm so sorry it's so hard for you right now...You are waaaay to good for coke.   You know it and I know it....and everyone else here that matters knows it too....it's ok and it's going to be ok.....

[sickcookie]

Take a deep breath and a pen and paper and write done all the terrible stuff about the coke make that list long and dig deep,then get outside and walk .I know its cold but it might feel really good.You will get past this Giz that was a huge trigger and you want to be clean so fight that devil in your head .I am glad your here Hang in this will pass

[cocobeanlisa]

I was a huge coke addict, it was the hardest drug I have ever kicked..I am an alcoholic (sober 11years) i was addicted to hydrocodone and any pain meds but man give me coke and I go nuts..,Maybe that's because I grow up in The 80's.  Any way I know what your saying, and I really feel for you..The only thing I can say is I hold onto  a thought that I do not have to use/drink no matter what..and my cravings do not control me..they are just thoughts...I know harder than it sounds..BUt it did work for....Coke almost killed me..I  was down to 90lbs, when my normal size 4 jeans I am at 130lbs, so just think how bad i looked..My family gave up on me..

Just hold on for today...Tell yourself that if you make it through today you can use tomorrow, and than tomorrow you say the same thing..

I feel for you, but you can do this..Think of the cost money and life..

I don't know you but you sound real so hang in there..

[BigWill79]

Don't give in to the temptation.  You have come to far to turn back now.  You are at three months and this a crucial point in the getting clean process.  I have been to told that there are bad cravings at 90 days, so this is part of the whole picture.  Don't quit.  PM me if you need to.  Go for a walk.  Do anything else.

[newmanagment]

Gizzy, I have watched your post the last couple of months.YOU have helped all of us cocaine addicts, me personally I follow everything you post. I have been fighting for 4 years to clean up a 25 year addiction. I relapsed Monday nite on the way to an NA meeting with an old user friend. Im tore up n heartbroke , and you know thats where you will be if you dont get outta coke mode. That is what just got me, and as addicts we need to find a way to change coke mode to something else.I know this, you touch alot of lives, mine included, so dont quit postin. Haters are everywhere you go , so dont be the one to leave!! I have much love and alot of respect for you. Please be strong bro, my prayers are with you

[flmagi]

Hey, please don't leave us. I know there are some people that seem to live for the moment they can stir sh!t up. They obviously have their own serious problems.
You always put in ALOT of time here helping everyone and that can get hard. There's so many people whos lives are dangling on the edge...so many people with so many problems, it can, over time become overwhelming. It wears on you. I'm not sure if I got the jest of why you're concidering takeing a break, but you'd really be missed.
Sorry your having a hard time today. You're really getting hit with alot of Sh!t. Did you tell your friend that your done with the coke?
Hang in there, Gizzy, tommorrow, hopefully will be a better day.

[gizzy32]

my first instinct was to jump on the forum, but i did say i was taking a break. i just hate to sound negative cause the last thing i want is to bring someone down, but i need some help here. this may be the worst craving yet and i don't understand cause im over 3 months clean.

cocobean, yes i have battled this for 5 years and this is the longest i have been clean. the only thing that got me to stop was overdosing again and being carried away by the paramedics. im trying to keep that thought in my head, but you know coke, that does not help.

[Flutterby111]

Look at how you impact people....this is astounding....

[cathy5841]

gizzy, when i got clean a friend print me some stuff off the net that said coke addicts 90 will relapse..it is something in the chemistry.i cant really remeber, so bigwill is right.  i am gooling and trying to find it.  dont be a statistic.  you are the man around here we cant loose you lol
cathy

[newmanagment]

Giz- i have been clean several times in my 25 yr. addiction, and 3 month cravings , as well as cravings at all, are a hard thing to deal with. I went a year last time and got shot, losing an eye. it took all of 4 months to ruin all the hard work i put in staying clean!! Bein a cokehead sux, bein clean can suck sometimes too!! You gotta lotta love on this forum man, which wont change even if you do relapse!! but i dont think your gonna, cuz ur stonger than that arentcha!? We all know ya are...

[Bossman80]

Im also new on here, but I see you as one of the "generals" around here.  Everyone needs you and your positivity.  Hang in there bro.

[gizzy32]

yes i relapsed many times during my use. if i had to give an honest # i would say i relapsed about 25 times, where i seriously gave it all i had and i know that feeling of a relapse with coke. it is the most painful thing i know of and im trying here

newmanagement im sorry to hear about your little bump, but you know too well about this drug and it feeds off weakness and man, i am as weak as i could be right now. if im fighting the hell out of this, i need you to be strong too. nobody know's how many pm's i get in a day sometimes from coke users that refuse to post on the main forum and everyday someone is relapsing, it's hard. cmon man, we can do this.

[cathy5841]

maybe this will help

Intervening On An Episode Of Craving
Since craving is a normal and natural symptom of cocaine addiction that follows the addict into recovery, it is important for cocaine addicts to learn how to deal with craving in recovery.  This is done by learning and practicing a number of steps.

1.         Recognize Craving:  Addicts must learn how to recognize a craving while it is happening. Many addicts fail to identify mild cravings as problematic and wait until they are in a full blown, severe craving before taking action.

2.         Accept Craving As Normal:  Many people experience a craving, panic, and believe there is something wrong with their recovery or that they are condemned to return to cocaine use.  This is not true.

3.         Go Somewhere Else:  The craving was probably activated by an environmental trigger, so get out of the setting you're in and get into an environment that supports sobriety.

4.         Talk It Through:  If you talk it through, you don't have to act it out.  Cocaine addicts need to talk about their cravings as soon as they occur to discharge the urge to use.

5.         Aerobic Exercise:  This stimulates brain chemistry and reduces the physiology of craving.

6.        Eat A Healthy Meal:  Eat a healthy meals in order to nourish the brain.  Consume some lean fish or meat for protein and eat some whole wheat bread or baked, potatoes or brown rice for complex carbohydrates.  It also helps to take some vitamins and amino acids to help stabilize brain chemistry imbalances.

7.         Meditation And Relaxation:  Cravings are worse when a person is under high stress.  The more a person can relax, the lower the intensity of the craving.

8.         Distraction:  divert attention from the craving by engaging in other activities that productively distract the person from their feelings.

9.         Remember Cravings Are Time-limited: The ninth step is to remember that most craving is time limited to two or three hours.  If you can use the previous eight steps to get yourself fatigued enough to fall asleep, most people wake up and the craving is gone.

It is possible to understand cocaine craving and to learn how to manage cocaine craving without returning to cocaine use. A model that allows people to identify set-up behaviors, trigger events, and the cycle of cocaine craving itself, and intervening upon this process has proven effective in reducing relapse among cocaine addicts.

[newmanagment]

WE CAN DO THIS G!!!  Our families need us, this forum need you, and you WILL get past this bro!!! I have to believe in my heart that this addiction is not un-breakeable. Is there anything I can do to switch you outta coke mode? I could tell you bout getting shot, robbing drug dealers to support my habit, slingin dope on the corners!!! Bro, we know where this leads, recovery or death!!! I KNOW in my heart that WE are gonna keep you clean today!! If you dont mind my asking, do you pray? The Big Guy helps me get outta coke mode alot.

[memommy4]

I just want you to know you are in my prayers. A few weeks or so you helped me talk about something that was very hard and I did slip. But I am now back. today is 15 days  I have been on this board reading alot. your posts has really help me. You have came so far, Just remember one day at a time. Keep posting
Angela

[newmanagment]

Thanx to Cathy, i didnt know a few of these steps. Ill have to remember the time limit thing....

[flmagi]

Thats some handy info. I'm sure it can also be used for pill or any addiction. Good post. Thanks.

[GoingToMakeIt]

     I was going to find out where you were. I missed you yesterday. I understand the break from the forum and the negative. It is here at times. It's also hard to ignore sometimes. But I look at you as one of the positive influences here. I am so proud of you with your friend. That must've been tough.
      You just showed your inner strength today.  It is not wrong to be tempted, it is what you do with the temptations that defines your character. And of course, we all know what a character you are! LOL Hang in there. I am still going to send you a PM.

[cathy5841]

you always say it best!!!!
cathy

[gizzy32]

well guys this is crazy, although im still angry, the butterflies are leaving and i know that is a good thing, and this will pass. my heart won't stop racing, but i promise i will get through this. at times i forget this forum is to help me too, but for some reason i didn't want to post, and it was hard to push that post button, but im glad i did.

cathy thanks for that craving list, and that 1st one makes so much sense, i let this get to a full blown craving and with hearing about john's death put me over the top so i need to recognize these early. i guess sometimes i expect it to go away forever

[troubleinohio]

Giz I will PM u later when Im more capable of writing, thigns bad here right now, but know i am thinking of u and wish I could help u thru this more, xo xo

[newmanagment]

Bro, eventually it will go away forever. Someday a life of sobriety will eventually swallow up the addicted "us" .Im glad that your craving is easin off, I know how they can just take you without you knowing it!! I found out along time ago about people place things. Change the people you hang with, the places you hang, and the things you do, and that is a major thing, Hell its almost like i gottta finally grow up LOL  peace bro

[worried878]

more info on the craving list?   I have been having the same problem the last 2 days

[newmanagment]

"I stopped doing all the things in my life i loved and the only way i could explain it was the world no longer had colour. the constant guilt and pain made it hard to wake up somedays. toward the end of my using i prayed for death. two days later i was in the hospital bleeding internally from my stomach. i know now i am done with this drug as i have so much to live for and i know quitting won't be half as hard as this life i am living right now. today i choose life "
AMEN TO THIS ONE BRO, I PULLED THIS OFF UR JOURNAL!!!  Today you choose life!!   this is the kinda stuff that helps me stay strong , thought your own words mite work for you 2

[Chi_Chi_Lover]

I know this place gets so negative at times it can drag you down but you need the people in here right now that love you and have your best interest at heart. Please be strong you have come too far to go back. Temptations are always going to be there and you still have a lot of recovering to do. You're still a "baby chick" and can NOT give in.

If this forum gets to be too much for you, and I have been there and understand that, then don't read. Just PM the people you trust.
Peace,

Chi Chi

[gizzy32]

this is unbelievable the support i have received and the pm's. ive went from being angry and ready to smash something, to now im almost in tears cause this feeling is starting to go away and i only have all of you to thank. i mean that from the bottom of my heart. talking about it, although it's hard at first, it seems to help me fight. when i typed this post it took me a long times cause my hands were shaking so bad, but now i feel strange, almost relieved this is starting to settle. if i wasn't so stubborn i would have posted earlier, but i let it build. all i can say is thank-you for support, i needed it. although the craving is still there, ive started to think rationally again and can fight it, but for those of you that got into coke bad, you know how that mind changes and your brain dosen't have the power to fight.

for those of you that get a bad craving for pills or drugs, before you do something dumb, please jump on here first even if it's hard. there is something about addicts helping one another that is better than any therapy to me. ty again

[newmanagment]

G, im so glad your are all good bro!! my kid is drivin me nuts for webkinz but couldnt leave till i knew you would be alright, dont ask why,its just how it works!! I know this, next time i wanna use i will jump on here. I have a hard time askin for help or admitting ANY weakness, it wasnt allowed where i grew up. But after my tuesday i know there has to be a better way. As far as us long time addicts ( i started snorting at 13 and rocking at 15) go, I have left a bar with my girl in it, got dope and not even realized what i had done for a few hours. Your addicted mind will carry you off real quick, especially if you lower your will power with alcohol. Once again you showed what a fighter you are by coming here instead of to your dealers!! Thanx to you man for showin us "old" folks how its done.

[NautyOne]

Sorry your having such a bad time.  This forum just like life is full of drama and negativity.  I read it out here all the time, but you can't use that as an excuse for your decisions.

Taking a break is good sometimes.  I have to do it when it gets tough out here, or when it starts to interfere with my own issues.  Hope to see you back soon.

Luv,
Nauty...............

[feohmoon]

Sorry today has been so difficult for you. (Zinc is supposed to curb cravings) But you are not having cravings as much as triggers...the things that have happened would be a trigger for anyone...addict or not.  You may feel weak but you are far from weak...you are so strong for yourself and everyone else that needs it.
Since I haven't been here too long...I cannot speak for a lot...but my fiance and I have both mentioned how it would be hard to find more pleasant, positive people in one place...full of support and compassion.  Sometimes..(rarely I feel) we just have to overlook negativity...it will breed...but not if we stop it.  Being positive works wonders...if you need a break from the forum, everyone would understand as we all have your best interest at heart...you must take care of you above all...but today was not meant to be the right time.
Stay strong as I am confidant that you will.  

[gizzy32]

thanks again guys, but obviously my big trigger was last night when i saw coke and then hearing about the death of one of our close customers. it just built up and bit me in the a$$, but for that one hour i was on here it began to fade and i am grateful to you guys. a friend on here just sent me a great link about cocaine that i am reading and it says the mental addiction of coke is so much stronger than alcohol or pills and one of the best things to do when cravings happen is to talk about it. i might post this link later cause i have noticed a lot more people coming on here lately with coke issues and this link would help greatly. thanks cathy, i am reading it now and thank-you all cause i feel so much better. whew.

[feohmoon]

Yknow - We are here because of methadone...although we did cocaine (pretty heavily & in a way that still sickens me)...It was easier for us to stop because we were so addicted to pills...but the mental craving is still there at times.  We have a good friend that we both want to see but are afraid to...So we totally understand.  That sh*t is evil - like all drugs!!!

[bmc1976]

Great job on resisting the temptations. I know how relentless they can be. (at least with pills) Just stay strong and keep pushing forward. Tomorrow is a new day!

[swtbreezie]

(((((((((((((((Gizzy))))))))))))))))  You are loved on here sweetie, don't let the negativity of some get to you and KEEP posting!  You will make it through this.  I am here if you want to talk or cry, I'll cry with you, I got lots in my life to cry about and yes lots to also be thankful and happy about now that I put the past where it belongs and am learning to cope with all my grief.  TY for being here for me and I AM here for you also.
swtbreezie

[Avalancheblanche]

Little brother, I am soooooo proud of you.  And so touched by how you are loved here.  That says so much about you.  You are genuine and caring and very intuitive.  And I love the "general" thing.  You have truly become one of the most respected people here.
General Giz.....I love it!
You got yourself thru a difficult time and you looked in the right direction...I am sure this post will be a great lesson for anyone who is struggling with a craving.  Post, post, post.
I hope you have a big huge smile on your face for being so strong!

[gizzy32]

lmao, i have a huge smile on my face looking at your baby pic. i love the rooster tail. haha

[GoingToMakeIt]

Is this the time to mention after care? Rule one is to not associate with past users.
You dodged the bullet today. Don't paint a target on you. You know I say this in love and caring. I think if you would have fallen, it would have hit you really hard. Be careful.

[Flutterby111]

You seem MUCH better!!!!!!  I'm so proud of YOU!  You did it!  You made it through a MAJOR craving, trigger, whatever the he** you wanna call it!  (at least you seem to have) Nicely done!  

[gizzy32]

sorry i just want to make it clear i don't associate with users. i have had to let all those friends go and deleted dealers, etc. she showed up unannounced and i hadn't seen her for almost a year. once i told her i quit she felt bad. i don't put myself in that situation and i just wanted to make that clear cause the number one thing is to stay away from those that use, i agree

[newmanagment]

You know I can understand that whole disassociation thing well. I have cut all ties to past people as much as I can. Sometimes people will suprise you with drugs. I walked in on a past landlord and his wife smoking crack when I had been clean 6 months. What you did with it was truly passing the test!! You took that and came here, and look what it did for you. I sit in awe at what the power of posting did for you today. Seems I usually make the wrong one and use, but you changed that by posting.Maybe one day Ill even write a journal about my past, hard as it is to deal with....
Good to see you posting bro, glad your here tonight!!

[gizzy32]

i would love to see that journal, it's hard putting it out there, but i think it helps. maybe you don't want to post when you get those cravings cause you want the disease to win. im no a big drinker, but i new that by having a few drinks i would break down and do blow once i had a couple. even though there were times i was clean for a week and trying hard, my addiction told me to have a few and then it could win. does that make sense? my point is next time instead of letting it win, get your a$$ on here and post. ty for the support tonight and understanding this sick addiction

[bandnmom]

u made it thru this day. you should be very proud of yourself. I am proud of you. Stay strong and keep up the good work. we are all here 4u!

[FAITHFUL74]

Hey there... I'm glad you decided not to leave the forum forever!!! I know what you mean about the negative posts and it does make it hard sometimes for me too. I want you to know that I am here for ya and anything you want to talk about feel free to pm me anytime. Cravings will come and go, I was addicted to pills but my husband is 5 years clean of cocaine and still assiciates certain places and people with using... you can do this. I promise you can.

[toxictome]

Good job on passing...and I'm sorry about your customer passing....things  i associate w/  triggers sometimes are hungry, angry, lonely, tired....HALT

YOu did the right thing...you thought it thru..put it on hold.....thought about it again.....sometimes i "JUSY say NO"...i can'[t even allow myself to think about it. i need to move on too something else...if tht work...then talk about it...when we get things "out" of our head"...sometimes they don't seem so big anymore....hang in there...
this is but one of the many times this will happen...and you did great!!!   hugs!

[NautyOne]

there is something .....a pill no less... that is supposed really help with the cravings.  I don't know if you are aware of it, if not.....I will be happy to find out what the name is.....I can't remember off hand.  My Ex sister-in-law is a doctor and It was a discussion because someone in the family has a cocaine problem.

Luv,
Nauty.................

[worried878]

It is so odd...I know how u feel...I almost lost it today and I thought I was better this am....no headache but craving bad...cathy I saved your post on my desktop so I can look at it often...I have done so well and it is a bumber to crave now 2 days in a row when i thought I was done...my son came over for dinner and he probably thinks I am a nut...but I am going to bed soon and did not use...bad thing is work is my trigger...that is where mine will start and happen everytime...i was a daytime user...i can not remove myself from that environment...I will just have to keep praying that this will not happen day after day....I know it will pass..I know it will....the stress at work triggers me....I had to leave yesterday an hour early to avoid it...I have some patients that will totally hit my trigger points right now  LOL   Figures...often I have no hard patients and now I have 3 and 1 is a 42 year old paraplegic that is addicted to dilaudid...sad....reminder tho....thanks for the posts as they helped me as well today....I will be back on my strong thinking soon...I guess we all deserve a bad day here and there

[gizzy32]

ya i think the pill is called modafinil, but it is not approved by the fda yet. i would pop it, if it really worked. i guess we will know more soon.

[newmanagment]

My friend takes these pills Giz, says they cause him nightmares and some sleep issues. Im kinda leary of pills so Im watching to see where it takes him. He says they are helping , but he hits his NA daily too. If you want info. on it i can get it from him or Nauty will post it. I can honestly tell ya I dont think you need them at 90 clean, they are more for lifelong addicts that start to clean up, but worth chekin out.

[gizzy32]

honestly, you have to remember you are very early in recovery. it's the mental part that the hardest and it seems it takes most people at least a month for your brain to really heal. it's normal for you to feel this way right now, but these days grow farther apart. i haven't had bad cravings for about 3 weeks so they do diminish and grow weaker, that is until you let one grow like mine did, lol. i learned a few things here tonight. im just happy to see you fighting too. it get so much better and i look forward to your one month clean post, cause you will be so much better. take care

[worried878]

Provigil....is only by RX in the USA..generic modafinil....legal in Europe but not here in the USA without a scrip

[swtbreezie]

I think you have ths night's urge licked!  Keep up the good work my friend.  I know it is hard when you have upsetting things in your life it is also for me.  Keep posting you are loved by many as Sister Blanche said :)
swtbreezie

[worried878]

I read that post..my name being laura...i hear    lora-tab...lora-tab...laura get a lortab...not funny!  lol   obvioulsy time for bed   nite

[Jacqui805]

I feel SO badly that I wasn't "here" for you, and I can only hope that some of this has past for you today.  I'm SO sorry.  I think there's a bit of this going around too.  I'm not even gonna go into it, but I understand.  That was such a ridiculously hard trigger for using, you're so strong for not having done so.  If there's anything I can do for you, at all, please lean on my shoulder.

Jacqui

[gizzy32]

ty jacqui, i have had a complete turnaround since yesterday, i can't explain it, but i feel energized and so happy. it was scary yesterday, but i got through it. those days are rare now, but they still happen, and yes having coke in my face was a huge trigger, lol. i was close to breaking, but boy would i feel like he ll today. hope you are well, but let's let this thread die, it's a new day and im embarrased how desperate i sounded in this post, but my angels came to the rescue. im off work today and i hope you are well