I'm losing it

[gizzy32]

i decided yesterday that i was going to take a break from this forum cause it is sometimes hard to read some posts and i notice how there are 1 or 2 people on here that love to feed off these negative posts and start **** and for you i say, your a waste of my breath. but right now i need this place more than ever today.

anyway this week has been the worst time since i was clean 3 months ago and im losing it today. an old friend stopped by and she did not know i was clean, nor how bad i got into coke and she brought some with her. anyway although i didn't touch it, the cravings have not left me and im going insane today. an hour ago i found out that one of our closest customers died from cancer. this man was one of those people that wore a smile on his face no matter what. never complained and was honestly the nicest, kindest man you could meet. it just makes me angry because some people go through their lives hating and are hurtful just cause they are unhappy and it makes me want to puke.

right now it's taking everything i possibly have to not use. im in coke mode and my mind won't let it go. i have every reason to use, and the only thing keeping me from that is i know i can 't. cause at this point and how i feel i don't think i would stop. although i really needed a break from here, i can't today now, cause this is my only support group and the only people i can talk to about this. my god, this is so painful and my stomach is churning so bad for coke right now and my nose won't stop twitching. i feel ******* desperate.

[gizzy32]

ty jacqui, i have had a complete turnaround since yesterday, i can't explain it, but i feel energized and so happy. it was scary yesterday, but i got through it. those days are rare now, but they still happen, and yes having coke in my face was a huge trigger, lol. i was close to breaking, but boy would i feel like he ll today. hope you are well, but let's let this thread die, it's a new day and im embarrased how desperate i sounded in this post, but my angels came to the rescue. im off work today and i hope you are well

[Jacqui805]

I feel SO badly that I wasn't "here" for you, and I can only hope that some of this has past for you today.  I'm SO sorry.  I think there's a bit of this going around too.  I'm not even gonna go into it, but I understand.  That was such a ridiculously hard trigger for using, you're so strong for not having done so.  If there's anything I can do for you, at all, please lean on my shoulder.

Jacqui

[worried878]

I read that post..my name being laura...i hear    lora-tab...lora-tab...laura get a lortab...not funny!  lol   obvioulsy time for bed   nite

[swtbreezie]

I think you have ths night's urge licked!  Keep up the good work my friend.  I know it is hard when you have upsetting things in your life it is also for me.  Keep posting you are loved by many as Sister Blanche said :)
swtbreezie

[worried878]

Provigil....is only by RX in the USA..generic modafinil....legal in Europe but not here in the USA without a scrip

[gizzy32]

honestly, you have to remember you are very early in recovery. it's the mental part that the hardest and it seems it takes most people at least a month for your brain to really heal. it's normal for you to feel this way right now, but these days grow farther apart. i haven't had bad cravings for about 3 weeks so they do diminish and grow weaker, that is until you let one grow like mine did, lol. i learned a few things here tonight. im just happy to see you fighting too. it get so much better and i look forward to your one month clean post, cause you will be so much better. take care

[newmanagment]

My friend takes these pills Giz, says they cause him nightmares and some sleep issues. Im kinda leary of pills so Im watching to see where it takes him. He says they are helping , but he hits his NA daily too. If you want info. on it i can get it from him or Nauty will post it. I can honestly tell ya I dont think you need them at 90 clean, they are more for lifelong addicts that start to clean up, but worth chekin out.

[gizzy32]

ya i think the pill is called modafinil, but it is not approved by the fda yet. i would pop it, if it really worked. i guess we will know more soon.

[worried878]

It is so odd...I know how u feel...I almost lost it today and I thought I was better this am....no headache but craving bad...cathy I saved your post on my desktop so I can look at it often...I have done so well and it is a bumber to crave now 2 days in a row when i thought I was done...my son came over for dinner and he probably thinks I am a nut...but I am going to bed soon and did not use...bad thing is work is my trigger...that is where mine will start and happen everytime...i was a daytime user...i can not remove myself from that environment...I will just have to keep praying that this will not happen day after day....I know it will pass..I know it will....the stress at work triggers me....I had to leave yesterday an hour early to avoid it...I have some patients that will totally hit my trigger points right now  LOL   Figures...often I have no hard patients and now I have 3 and 1 is a 42 year old paraplegic that is addicted to dilaudid...sad....reminder tho....thanks for the posts as they helped me as well today....I will be back on my strong thinking soon...I guess we all deserve a bad day here and there

[NautyOne]

there is something .....a pill no less... that is supposed really help with the cravings.  I don't know if you are aware of it, if not.....I will be happy to find out what the name is.....I can't remember off hand.  My Ex sister-in-law is a doctor and It was a discussion because someone in the family has a cocaine problem.

Luv,
Nauty.................

[toxictome]

Good job on passing...and I'm sorry about your customer passing....things  i associate w/  triggers sometimes are hungry, angry, lonely, tired....HALT

YOu did the right thing...you thought it thru..put it on hold.....thought about it again.....sometimes i "JUSY say NO"...i can'[t even allow myself to think about it. i need to move on too something else...if tht work...then talk about it...when we get things "out" of our head"...sometimes they don't seem so big anymore....hang in there...
this is but one of the many times this will happen...and you did great!!!   hugs!

[FAITHFUL74]

Hey there... I'm glad you decided not to leave the forum forever!!! I know what you mean about the negative posts and it does make it hard sometimes for me too. I want you to know that I am here for ya and anything you want to talk about feel free to pm me anytime. Cravings will come and go, I was addicted to pills but my husband is 5 years clean of cocaine and still assiciates certain places and people with using... you can do this. I promise you can.

[bandnmom]

u made it thru this day. you should be very proud of yourself. I am proud of you. Stay strong and keep up the good work. we are all here 4u!

[gizzy32]

i would love to see that journal, it's hard putting it out there, but i think it helps. maybe you don't want to post when you get those cravings cause you want the disease to win. im no a big drinker, but i new that by having a few drinks i would break down and do blow once i had a couple. even though there were times i was clean for a week and trying hard, my addiction told me to have a few and then it could win. does that make sense? my point is next time instead of letting it win, get your a$$ on here and post. ty for the support tonight and understanding this sick addiction

[newmanagment]

You know I can understand that whole disassociation thing well. I have cut all ties to past people as much as I can. Sometimes people will suprise you with drugs. I walked in on a past landlord and his wife smoking crack when I had been clean 6 months. What you did with it was truly passing the test!! You took that and came here, and look what it did for you. I sit in awe at what the power of posting did for you today. Seems I usually make the wrong one and use, but you changed that by posting.Maybe one day Ill even write a journal about my past, hard as it is to deal with....
Good to see you posting bro, glad your here tonight!!

[gizzy32]

sorry i just want to make it clear i don't associate with users. i have had to let all those friends go and deleted dealers, etc. she showed up unannounced and i hadn't seen her for almost a year. once i told her i quit she felt bad. i don't put myself in that situation and i just wanted to make that clear cause the number one thing is to stay away from those that use, i agree

[Flutterby111]

You seem MUCH better!!!!!!  I'm so proud of YOU!  You did it!  You made it through a MAJOR craving, trigger, whatever the he** you wanna call it!  (at least you seem to have) Nicely done!  

[GoingToMakeIt]

Is this the time to mention after care? Rule one is to not associate with past users.
You dodged the bullet today. Don't paint a target on you. You know I say this in love and caring. I think if you would have fallen, it would have hit you really hard. Be careful.

[gizzy32]

lmao, i have a huge smile on my face looking at your baby pic. i love the rooster tail. haha

[Avalancheblanche]

Little brother, I am soooooo proud of you.  And so touched by how you are loved here.  That says so much about you.  You are genuine and caring and very intuitive.  And I love the "general" thing.  You have truly become one of the most respected people here.
General Giz.....I love it!
You got yourself thru a difficult time and you looked in the right direction...I am sure this post will be a great lesson for anyone who is struggling with a craving.  Post, post, post.
I hope you have a big huge smile on your face for being so strong!

[swtbreezie]

(((((((((((((((Gizzy))))))))))))))))  You are loved on here sweetie, don't let the negativity of some get to you and KEEP posting!  You will make it through this.  I am here if you want to talk or cry, I'll cry with you, I got lots in my life to cry about and yes lots to also be thankful and happy about now that I put the past where it belongs and am learning to cope with all my grief.  TY for being here for me and I AM here for you also.
swtbreezie

[bmc1976]

Great job on resisting the temptations. I know how relentless they can be. (at least with pills) Just stay strong and keep pushing forward. Tomorrow is a new day!

[feohmoon]

Yknow - We are here because of methadone...although we did cocaine (pretty heavily & in a way that still sickens me)...It was easier for us to stop because we were so addicted to pills...but the mental craving is still there at times.  We have a good friend that we both want to see but are afraid to...So we totally understand.  That sh*t is evil - like all drugs!!!

[gizzy32]

thanks again guys, but obviously my big trigger was last night when i saw coke and then hearing about the death of one of our close customers. it just built up and bit me in the a$$, but for that one hour i was on here it began to fade and i am grateful to you guys. a friend on here just sent me a great link about cocaine that i am reading and it says the mental addiction of coke is so much stronger than alcohol or pills and one of the best things to do when cravings happen is to talk about it. i might post this link later cause i have noticed a lot more people coming on here lately with coke issues and this link would help greatly. thanks cathy, i am reading it now and thank-you all cause i feel so much better. whew.