I'm so afraid of these taunting thoughts..

I have been clean now for over a month off of my DOC but, I still crave it some days.  I hate all the turmoil that goes along with the drugs but, at the same time I love the feeling of the drugs.  Does that make sense?  It's like I am strong enough now to realize all the negative things that come with the price of using but, I still have weak moments where using seems like a beautiful idea.  To be honest...I did take a step back the other day.  After seeing my sister high as a kite, and seeing the actual pills right there in front of me I was instantly triggered.  I was able to walk away from it that night but, the next day all I could think about was how badly I wanted those pills.  Next thing I knew I was snorting a line, and feening for more.  I guess It just proves that I am only human.  I am just a human with a nasty disease that can spark at any moment if i'm not careful.  Still the thing that scares me most is that I was feeling so good before I relapsed, and doing pills was not even a thought of mine anymore.  That is until I saw my sister high off roxies.  I am back now to the suboxone, and don't plan on going back to the roxies every again but, what if my mind takes over me again??  It is really hard to be living with people who are still using but, it is my only option right now!!  How do I deal with this, and make sure I don't relapse again?? Will these thoughts ever go away??  I just can't understand how I could so badly crave something that literally stole my life away!?? I guess i'm not as strong as I thought :( ...........

[cathy5841]

AFTER CARE!  It IS tge difference between success n failure. You can do this, but like all of us you need a support system right there for those times u can't do it alone. Good luck n keep posting.

[banana911]

I am SO not in any position to advise anything - - but I feel your pain.  You sound like a young person - - I am almost 38 and I started with opiates at 23 (all of them - - all forms - - i am not prejuduce against any opiates)  - - with a little math that's 15 years of some version of back and forth with this thing.  I have not lead the life I intended, I have lost jobs, done poorly at other jobs, settled for so many things on all levels rather than trying, formed so many unhealthy relationships and toxic friendships.  And here I am tonight posting about detoxing from roxy's with suboxone with a glass of wine in my hand and a xanax on my nightstand.  And what could be one of the most off-setting things - - on paper I'm OK (not great) - - but I have had an interesting career, travelled, I work out - some might think I look pretty good at 38 - - so basically I am getting away with it (so far) - - but what I have struggled with inside & now that i can speak about so many years -- how I see how my life has just kinda slid through the path of least resistance - - - so much muck - I have had some true sober time (2+ years) but all the rest of it feels like walking through mud - exhausting and/or unfulfilling.  Oh gosh - unfulfilling - it's never enough.  
So not sure how much sense I just made - - but point being good luck - you really sound like you've got some "ooomph" in you to get sober - - but unfortunately you also sound you like you are attracted to some of the bad same things.  And that general fight to make a final cut.  Be strong!!!!!!  Listen to the sincere people here - - and the few that have acheived some length of sobriety - - - they have helped me alot in the past.

[dominosarah]

Ali you have to get yourself into some sort of recovery care and then get on your feet and get out of the situation you are living in.  You cant do this alone.  There are many programs out there that will be able to help you.  You are setting yourself up for disaster if you dont do something now.  You are what is important and you have it in you to get better........sara

[Htownnofrown]

You gotta separate yourself from old playgrounds and get yourself into some sort of recovery program. It would be damn near impossible to stay sober if you dont do both of those things. Good luck, dont be discouraged. It's gonna take some work, but it will be worth it in the end.

[gnarly_1]

Hi Ali I answered you post last night and something told me there was something wrong
im sorry to here of your relapse today but it was writen in between the lines last night
addiction is a disease and requires aftercare to beet it...it will give you a foundation to build you life on and give you the tools and skills to get past the triggers and cravings
you need to build up some clean "go to people" that you can call when your overwhelmed
you can meet them at a a/a or n/a meeting....after a wile you can even get a sponsor
and a good sponsor can be priceless when cravings come up...the main thing is you have to reach out for help...aftercare is not an optional part of recovery it is a necessity its the only way your going to get to the root of the problems that drive you to the drugs...some how you need to find a different place to live if there going to be using right in front of you....not to many of us could make it if that was our situation ..
you do have it in you to quit ..so you hit a bump in the road learn from it and move on
dust yourself off and get back on the wagon and move forward but do yourself a favor and hook up with some aftercare now...B/4 its to late...good luck and God bless....Gnarly    

[moonshyne777]

Sub is an excellent tool but has to be part of a recovery plan that includes aftercare. I think you could really benefit from NA meetings or an addictions therapist. I would line up some aftercare asap, through aftercare you will gain valuable insight and tools you need to stay clean and deal with the issues that caused you to self medicate in the first place. Hang in there Ali, your gonna get through this. The road to recovery isn't easy but you are strong and determined and you will make it.