Aa
I'm starting over on this sight with the WHOLE story.
Hi. I came here for help tapering my tramadol. That's was it. Period. I didn't wanna mention that for 5 days every month I also get a scrip of 60 Percocet. I take about 12 a night with a bottle of wine for the first days that I have them until they are gone...usually about 5 days. Then I go without them. I do this and have done this for several years....prior to that I did it evry day because I got the pills from my ex boss as well as from my dr. For years u used to drink wine every night while taking 14 tramadol a day, 4mg of Ativan, Lexapro, and muscle relaxants. I have chronic pain and anxiety disorder so this is all from my doctor and whatever psych I had over the yrs. Anyway...I tapered off Ativan and Lexapro several yrs ago. In 2012 I stopped taking the percs and booze nightly and cut ties with my ex boss. But I still do the perc/booze binges for 5 days a month when I first get my scrip...then a few times during the rest of the month I "borrow" some from my dad, who also has chronic pain and knows what an ordeal my pain situation has been for over 15 years. He doesnt know that I am abusing and addicted to my meds. All that I take now is the tramadol and the percs/booze combo. I found out about the DEA changing the tramadol laws back in the end of July so I quickly stockpiled hundreds of pills to do a taper by buying from 2 places online and by using my tramadol scrip of 4 pills per day.. I came back on this sight....which I have done many times over the years...but never to get healthy...or live a sober lifestyle....just to figure out how to stop taking drugs. I realized yesterday that its 2 different things. So anyway Here is where its at as of today. Last night I realized that I have been thinking about this addiction all wrong. I was wanting to stop taking the tramadol...cuz it doesn't work and I take too many...but I was planning on still taking the percs/booze until I had some epiphany or hit a bottom or somehow something made me want to stop. But now I am realizing that I am not in control at all and that my addiction is like a hit man or the terminator that will stop at nothing until I am dead. And I have no idea how to start getting better. Just white knuckling it thru not taking pills like I have done before isn't working. I didn't realize until yesterday that I was thinking that I was in control and that I am making all the decisions. I have no power over my cravings to get high. none. and I thought I should "just stop" but I don't know how to stay that way. So here is my current problem. I have been tapering off my tramadol and I am down from 14 a day to 7 a day in 6 weeks. I hafta rethink how I am tapering cuz ppl say its not the most beneficial way the way I am doing it...which I didn't understand until last night. I don't feel high from trams anymore and haven't in 6 years but I am physically dependant on them. So I am going to adjust what I am doing regarding that taper. HERE IS THE PROBLEM THAT IS COMING UP. On Monday or Tuesday its time to get my percs again. I have to pay my dad back 20 pills. That's how many I borrowed from him this month and every month between binges. my scrip is for 2 pills per day and I get 60. Now prior to yesterday I was so excited to get my percs and be able to escape my life and feel numb and get all messed up and everything...like my once a month vacation. My routine is pick up my scrip...get it filled, wait til night time...I always waited til nighttime...I worked during the day before so that's why I have a weird routine that is from 6pm until I go to sleep. So in about a 6 hr window I polish off a bottle or 2 of wine and about 12 percs for several days until I run out of pills. anyway...I pay my dad back the pills I owe him then drive to the liquor store. I get a 4 pk of tiny wine thingies so that I can start my ritual asap and drink and pop pills on the way back home...to get my party started. Thre party at which I am the only guest. I only like the COMBO of percs and booze. I never drink at all unless I take percs. either one on their own doesn't do it for me. My DOC is the perc/booze combo. Somehow the interaction between the 2 is what I'm addicted to. Its weird maybe. Anyway...I repeat the nightly ritual of getting wine and driving home and taking the percs all night. I get the little bottles of wine so I can hide them from my kids. My kids don't know I have this problem even tho I have had it for years. Anyway I stay in my roomand pop pills and drink...but I basically live in my room anyway due to my chronic pain issues...I do walk on my treadmill and do light weights and some housework...but I cant sit or stand very long...I can only lay down or walk. So being in my room all the time isn't unusual to anyone. Anyway...Monday or Tuesday its time to pick up my scrip. I want to pay my dad back cuz if I don't he will run out early and it will screw him withhis scrip. he needs his pills for his pain and I don't wanna screw him over. I want to pay him back but I want to flush my remaining scrip. I am just worried that I wont be able to. I really want to...I have always wished I was strong enuf to stop but I figure i'm just not strong enuff cuz I keep relapsing. I know ppl will say tell ur dr, tell ur dad, tell everyone, don't pick up the scrip, etc...I know what I should do...I just don't wanna screw my dad over. Am I fooling myself to think that this time I can just take him his share and then flush them? Am I just kidding myself? I really wanna try to do sumthin different this time. I realize my addiction is running its own agenda and trying to kill me and I cant tell the difference between my own thoughts and my addiction talking. I am scared that I will get the pills, pay my dad back and then tell myself...just do it one last time, or just take 4 instead of 12, or just save them and take them for ur pain...blah, blah, blah. I mean what are the chances that I can just pay my dad back, tell my dad the truth so he stops giving them to me, and throwing the rest of them in the toilet?
The one thing about meetings that keeps them anonymous, if they see you there, you saw them there. You don't just share your secrets, you share all of theirs too. I live in a town of 3000 people, the closest big city is hours away, yet people only share in the rooms of AA/NA. It helps us build trust in ourselves and each other, just wanted to point that out.
Pink you do not realize how far you have come in a couple days. Baba's advice is wonderful. Made me cry too with the honesty and clarity.
Being scared and anxious is how the pills keep you going on and on. It doesn't want to give up that hold so it causes anxiety and depression and fright to make you want just one last one.
You did good by not getting more pills yesterday.
Don't be afraid of meetings. Even if you don't say a word you will learn and grow. And they will welcome you will one arms and support. The ones who have clean time will be there for you. To help and guide you. You get your AA big book and just read and read and read. Go to the speaker meetings and listen to other peoples experiences. It helps so much.
And addiction counseling. I agree you have some PTSD. Not drugs but help will get you through this.
You can do this. You are not alone.
Being scared and anxious is how the pills keep you going on and on. It doesn't want to give up that hold so it causes anxiety and depression and fright to make you want just one last one.
You did good by not getting more pills yesterday.
Don't be afraid of meetings. Even if you don't say a word you will learn and grow. And they will welcome you will one arms and support. The ones who have clean time will be there for you. To help and guide you. You get your AA big book and just read and read and read. Go to the speaker meetings and listen to other peoples experiences. It helps so much.
And addiction counseling. I agree you have some PTSD. Not drugs but help will get you through this.
You can do this. You are not alone.
no I guess it wasn't easy...cuz I thought I admitted I had a problem all along. but until yesterday I didn't understand what that meant. I didn't understand what anything meant. I just thought I did.
It is scarey letting go of the pills, it's what you know...it's comfortable. Meetings are an unknown. Everyone I've ever known who's went to a meeting was scared....and yes they are truly annonomus. I've met some members on the streets but no body has ever said hey let me introduce me to Tanya the biggest pill head I know....no body has ever said that...everyone respects each others privacy. And your not a freak or a wack job...your not even weird. Your A PERSON CRYING OUT FOR HELP.
YOUR A PERSON WHO IS SICK AND WANTS TO GET BETTER. Whats so strange about that?
don't beat yourself up...what good will that do? I know your butt is black and blue from all the kicking you've done to yourself. That's why you can't sit down that long hahaha....trying to make you smile... Bad joke.
This is a process. Your asking for help. You've already done step one of a 12 step program. Admitting you've got a problem. See how easy that was?
the first step is the hardest.
YOUR A PERSON WHO IS SICK AND WANTS TO GET BETTER. Whats so strange about that?
don't beat yourself up...what good will that do? I know your butt is black and blue from all the kicking you've done to yourself. That's why you can't sit down that long hahaha....trying to make you smile... Bad joke.
This is a process. Your asking for help. You've already done step one of a 12 step program. Admitting you've got a problem. See how easy that was?
the first step is the hardest.
good Lord I just cant stop crying reading these posts. I'm sure I seem like a freak being on here non stop but I wanted to get pills when my husband left....again...and I didn't know what to do with myself. I don't know any other way to deal with my horrible sadness and self loathing. I am going to spread out my tramadol tomoro like everyone said. That will be the first thing. I am scared to go to meetings. r they really anonymous??? how is it that nobody says "guess who I saw at the meeting."? I mean I live in a tiny town. Many, many ppl who I know are addicts. I just feel ashamed. I did go to that website called SMART Recovery and I joined it yesterday but it seems so overwhelming. Half of me wants to say I can do this without help but I know deep down that I cant. I am so thankful that all of u take the time to tell me ur story and ur advice. If it wasn't for this sight I know I never would have seen the light, no matter how badly I wanted to.
If you shared what you just shared at NA, I guarantee you would get some hugs and new friends. Aftercare really is the key. I started forming mine before I quit, because I couldn't quit without help. Your sincerity and openness shows you are ready. Keep sharing, go to an addiction counselor, not a general therapist or psychiatrist, it makes a difference. Keep being honest with yourself, you will make it out of this trap and never ending cycle. I've had a pretty crappy hand dealt me as well, though on dry different ways. I can say this though, I just found out I have 3 fractured vertabrae and didn't even know it. My brain, with it's natural chemicals, fights my pain way more than opiates. I live myself again and don't feel any shame. My kids watched me have seizures with my eyes rolling back in my head, so I get falling off the pedestal. But I have climbed up to see them eye to eye, not trying to get back on a pedestal, just trying to be real. Anyway, I really appreciate your sharing and encourage you to keep that soul searching and reaching out. You have just started a wonderful journey, the best part of your life is yet to come.
I used to think about how in the heck am I gonna take care of my family? How can I be the bread winner and go to rehab? I was stressed out and strung out at the same time....it wasn't easy. Still isn't. But I do feel so much better.
Staying holed up in your room ain't living darling. Your kids need you. And when I cleaned up my life got easier too. I know it doesn't seem that way now. But it will get easier.
I was so beat down from life I wanted to quit all together. Not now. Now I like being a mom. I like getting up. I like life.
I hear the sorrow and tiredness in your voice. You need to ask yourself if this is what you want to feel like and live lke for the rest of your life. And, the more pills you take to numb it out and the longer you numb the pain the more it will build up and take you down. You have the power to decide the rest of your life now...but one day that power might be gone.
Supporting you
Staying holed up in your room ain't living darling. Your kids need you. And when I cleaned up my life got easier too. I know it doesn't seem that way now. But it will get easier.
I was so beat down from life I wanted to quit all together. Not now. Now I like being a mom. I like getting up. I like life.
I hear the sorrow and tiredness in your voice. You need to ask yourself if this is what you want to feel like and live lke for the rest of your life. And, the more pills you take to numb it out and the longer you numb the pain the more it will build up and take you down. You have the power to decide the rest of your life now...but one day that power might be gone.
Supporting you
That's hard....I know. Firsthand. So I'm gonna stand by what I said even more......my husband too had a life changing car accident. I still see him lying on the hospital gurney flat lining.....I still do 10 years ago...then I got hurt then my daughter...I had a very rough decade. And just like you I suffered from low self esteem. So I can identify. I went to rehab angry sad and broken down...felt exactly how you do....I promise. I told my therapist I everything and then said....if you had my life you'd get high too. That's the day that saved my life and I was identified having post traumatic stress disorder too..I'm sorry about your back...my issue is knees hands and ms.
Life dealt us some cards didn't they? But instead of wallowing in self pity there is hope. There is qualified trained personnel to help us with our life's problems. I promise you they are out there....
So, when I went to rehab I had one goal in mind....to learn how to take my medicine correctly...oh yes I did. I told everyone on the staff that I NEEDED meds for medical purposes and just needed to reset my brain.....what was I thinking lol...and they let me think that....funny thing happened tho.....after 14 days of no pills I FELT BETTER. So I decided I didn't need them anymore.
The medicine will play tricks with your mind and body causing you to feel more pain...if you don't believe me try it.
I think you have much to say...really need to get all that stuff out of yourself. To get cleaned up no pun intended.
Rehab isn't what you think it is....it's amazing. I loved mine so much I go back and speak....I don't know if anyone really listens to me cause they are so drugged up with medicine but I like it...and the rehab place can and will give you medicine to make your detox 1000 times easier. Again I promise.
I am truly sorry about what happened. Your like me, an addict by acidient.
Please keep talking you shouldn't keep this stuff inside
Life dealt us some cards didn't they? But instead of wallowing in self pity there is hope. There is qualified trained personnel to help us with our life's problems. I promise you they are out there....
So, when I went to rehab I had one goal in mind....to learn how to take my medicine correctly...oh yes I did. I told everyone on the staff that I NEEDED meds for medical purposes and just needed to reset my brain.....what was I thinking lol...and they let me think that....funny thing happened tho.....after 14 days of no pills I FELT BETTER. So I decided I didn't need them anymore.
The medicine will play tricks with your mind and body causing you to feel more pain...if you don't believe me try it.
I think you have much to say...really need to get all that stuff out of yourself. To get cleaned up no pun intended.
Rehab isn't what you think it is....it's amazing. I loved mine so much I go back and speak....I don't know if anyone really listens to me cause they are so drugged up with medicine but I like it...and the rehab place can and will give you medicine to make your detox 1000 times easier. Again I promise.
I am truly sorry about what happened. Your like me, an addict by acidient.
Please keep talking you shouldn't keep this stuff inside
That was quite a story there girl...and it must feel good to get it out to some folks who understand what you were doing...
You know what to do. You're here. One thing you might want to do is start caring about yourself...no more self harm for you! You're important and smart and you matter!
Thank you for telling your story...
You know what to do. You're here. One thing you might want to do is start caring about yourself...no more self harm for you! You're important and smart and you matter!
Thank you for telling your story...
ally only lie down or walk. So it was a nice job that accommodated my injured self and they let me come and go as I pleased and it was right down the road from my house...except my boss preyed on my weakness and no self esteem. so he knew my condition and offered me Percocet. I never had any up to this point. just suffered thru with tram and hydro. I took the percs...I liked them. they made all my problems seem to go away. they made me feel powerful and they helped my pain. they made me feel warm and fuzzy like only opiates can. I started to get them from him on a daily basis. I was also taking the tram as well. I told my husband that my boss was harassing me sexually but he didn't seem to mind either so neither didi. I started to just let him do whatever just so I could get the pills. At some point I started drinking with them and HOLY HELL did that feel wonderful. anyway...it went on and on. my husband left more and cared less. my husband knew every single thing about everything that I have ever done...he just doesn't care. So fast fwd to 2010 andi am barely functioning. I am in excruciating pain...I have exhausted surgery, epidurals, steroid injections and everything else. At this point I describe my spine as a pillar ofdust. if u blow on it, it will fall apart. My only option from this point is a fusion and I refuse to do it. the recovery time is a year and the odds of it helping are 50/50. I have a wonderful surgeon who I researched 8 months to find and drive 2 hrs to see. I am at the end of theline...so I just keep taking pills and doing everything alone. I have raised my kids alone, dealt with my pain alone and have a horrible anxiety condition that I cant get under control despite seeing countless shrinks, psychs, therapist, biofeedback ppl, etc. I have tried several meds but when ur living in hell no phych pill is gonna help. In 2011 I got sick of my boss, sick of the pills, sick of being sick and sick of everything. I was miserable and of course...alone. I quit my job in an attempt to drop my boss and cut my ties to the percs. I had a scrip for them at this point but I didn't need it cuz I had my boss. I quit the job and told my boss's family who were my coworkers, nothing about why. I didn't wanna get my boss in trouble (???) so that didn't work cuz I still couldn't quit. every night after work at 6 pm just like all thru the yrs that I worked there...i'd meet him in some parking lot for him to give me the pills. he wanted to touch me and I did my best at fending him off. I was in my 30's and he was in his late 60's. I just wanted the pills so I could drive to the liquor store, get my mini wines, go home and hide in my room and drink. my kids had no idea. After I quit my job things got way worse. my pain got worse, my addiction got worse and my marriage got worse. I would drink and drug every nite...lay in bed all day, everyday until 6 pm when i'd throw on some dirty clothes and meet my boss for pills. I didn't cook, I didn't clean, I didn't shower and I had gained about 40 lbs. my husband saw what was happening but as long as I was conscious he would leave me to stay with the kids so he could do his thing. In 2011 I cut ties with my boss and got sober for 27 days until one night I found out that at the races, 2 hrs away, my husband was hit by a racecar and may have to have his leg amputated. Long story short...they saved his leg, I took care of him for the next 8 mos cuz he was bed ridden and helpless and hurt my back even more in the process. after that I started talking to my boss again and started the pills again...did that til sept of 2012...tried to stop all the time and couldn't...but in 2012 I sent my boss a text pretending it was from my husband threatening to kill him if he didn't stop giving me drugs. I wanted to scare my boss into refusing to talk to me cuz I knew I couldn't stop talking to him cuz I needed pills. that was the end of my boss. I never talked to him since. As it stands now, my husband was still a horrible husband and father even after the accident and decided in the end of 2012 to start having an emotional affair with some ***** at work and drinking and partying with his friends. of course he blamed me for all of this despite that I had given everything to him for years and yrs. I threw him out and hired a divorce lawyer. We patched things up...(but not really) and he came back. he is a little nicer now. But I am still alone a lot. I still did my tramadol and still do my script of percs combined with booze 5 nights a month with some here and there from my dad in between. I have never stolen pills from my dad. I never would. I have stolen pills from my mom's husband tho...just last week. I thought I was helping myself get thru the tram taper by using percs/booze to stave off withdrawals!!! then yesterday thanks to being on this sight for pretty much 24/7 in the last 6 weeks, I realized I am fighting an addiction that is separate from myself, that I want to live a sober lifestyle instead of just "stop doing drugs", and that I have no effin clue how the hell to do that or where to even begin. and that's my story. so here I am with u guys cuz ur all I have right now.
g because u care even tho u don't know me. I have nobody in my life like that. I am the person who is helping everyone else in my family. I am the one who everyone leans on...I'm the strong one and I do it all ALONE. I am married to my second husband and have been for 14 years. I have a 19 yr old son from my first mawow...u guys. just wow. I have never felt so loved in my life. I am just rriage and a 13 yr old sone from this one. When I stopped using the percs/booze everyday in 2012 I told my older son because I thought I was being "accountable." It destroyed him. He had me on such a pedestal because I was the rock...for everyone...all the while battling my anxiety/depression and pain issues alone. My hu make sband is very self absorbed. He is never here for me or here period. I hurt my back in 1998. I was a single mom and I hurt it just by lugging my kid around. I had my second son in 2001 after I got married and he was over 10 pounds. I am not a big person so for me that was big. My husband knew of my back issues but he left me alone all the time with my older son and a baby cuz he wanted to pursue his own interests. I am a HUGE PPL PLEASER and I put everyone before myself so as much as we argued and as much as I hated feeling like he didn't give a **** about me, I put up with the daily abandonment. He'd go to his day job then he'd dash home, change clothes, jump in his truck then speed off to some race track somewhere...sometimes in other states for weeks at a time. I was in constant pain and needed a surgery by 2003 cuz of being alone with my kids, doing everything alone and taking care of my dad and gram who both live alone respectively. So mu back got worse and worse becuzi couldn't ever rest it. I had nobody to help me...and God forbid I "needed" anything cuz that made me feel lowest of all. I always stived to be perfect and basically I thought the only good thing about me was my looks. So I just kept on going. I had my surgery but had no time to recover cuz my husband left all the time...My kids were small. someone had to do it all...change the oil, do the laundry, dishes, etc, take care of kids, mow the grass, etc, etc and I took care of my gram and dad...all with a serious back injury. I had 3 ruptured disks in my back that had blown out my spinal column and traveled up it crushing my nerves to my legs. Even while I was partially paralyzed my husband would leave me to do it all. I kept going...taking pain meds...doing it all trying to be perfect. My husband was neglectful to me and my kids and he didn't care how much I cried or how much pain I was in...he just left. So I just popped more meds and kept going. I never had percs up until way later...just tramadol and hydrocodone. No dr wanted to give me percs cuz they all said they are the devil. Anyway I had a nervous breakdown because I wanted to leave my husband cuz my kids were suffering emotionally and becuz he just didn't give a **** about anyone but himself. I commited myself to thepsych ward and stayed for 3 days but I had to get back so I could make everyone else happy...so I went to a ton of psychiatrists and a ton of pain dr's trying to get my pain under control. It went on and on. In 2007 I had 2 more surgeries and again my husband would leave to go racing cuz he was the pit crew chief and he wanted to go archery hunting and he wanted to do muzzle loader season and he had to work and he had to go turkey hunting and deer hunting and bear hunting and coyote hunting....he just left. so I kept doing everything myself...with my injuries and with my fragile mental state. after I somewhat healed from the last surgery I got a job at a family owned place down the street. the boss was an older man who was really, really attracted to me and couldn't keep his hands to himself. He did a lot of things to me but I never really said much to stop him cuz I needed that job cuz it was the perfect job for my situation. I cant sit or stand for very long...I can basic
Glad you posted that....I know how much courage that took.....
I'm with Lu but more aggressive in my thinking...the way I see it, you really need a program...because besides the pills, your drinking too...very very dangerous. What do you think about checking out for awhile and checking in a rehab facility? That way your away from everyone and can focus just on you... Focusing on just yourself for a bit?
You've got the tram thing, pec thing and drinking...that's a lot to tackle alone. And I don't think you'll be able to drop all three without help... It's just too much to tackle all by yourself.
We're only here on the web. We're not there with you.
The great thing about going to rehab is its a time out. And honey I think you earned a well deserved time out. Plus, the tramedol detox is hard...and then put in this other habit? It's overwhelming. Where will you start?
Just reading this overwhelmed me....
There's also outpatient therapy you can try first.
You've got a lot of changes to make...gotta tell your dad so he'll stop giving you the perks, plus the tram thing...cause I got a feeling if you try to do it all on your own it won't get done. It will be hard to break.
Listen to Lu... She gives good advise
I'm with Lu but more aggressive in my thinking...the way I see it, you really need a program...because besides the pills, your drinking too...very very dangerous. What do you think about checking out for awhile and checking in a rehab facility? That way your away from everyone and can focus just on you... Focusing on just yourself for a bit?
You've got the tram thing, pec thing and drinking...that's a lot to tackle alone. And I don't think you'll be able to drop all three without help... It's just too much to tackle all by yourself.
We're only here on the web. We're not there with you.
The great thing about going to rehab is its a time out. And honey I think you earned a well deserved time out. Plus, the tramedol detox is hard...and then put in this other habit? It's overwhelming. Where will you start?
Just reading this overwhelmed me....
There's also outpatient therapy you can try first.
You've got a lot of changes to make...gotta tell your dad so he'll stop giving you the perks, plus the tram thing...cause I got a feeling if you try to do it all on your own it won't get done. It will be hard to break.
Listen to Lu... She gives good advise
To thy own self be true. Its a humbling experience when we get honest with our self and others. Ya cant get clean with lies. The truth shall set u free.
Get involved in some aftercare. We can white knuckle sobriety only for so long.
Read that article U never have to use again.. Because ya don't. Keep ur head up, keep doing the next right thing and u will b on ur way.
Get involved in some aftercare. We can white knuckle sobriety only for so long.
Read that article U never have to use again.. Because ya don't. Keep ur head up, keep doing the next right thing and u will b on ur way.
Now you're thinking! I'm happy for your breakthrough, believe me. You're young with young kids and you're so needed...
Listen, okay? You need to find someone you really trust and tell your truth. Ask whomever (maybe your Dad) so you can be accountable. It's really important. Left to our own devices we WILL feed our addiction first and it becomes the cycle you're in now...So find someone right away. Tell your Dad to pick up your RX and keep it. That was a good suggestion. And you need to tell him not to give you any and he needs to hide them. Then get involved in one of the programs you checked into yesterday or just find some AA meetings and start going everyday. These are the actions that will get you going.
Just keep asking us what to do...we've got you!
Listen, okay? You need to find someone you really trust and tell your truth. Ask whomever (maybe your Dad) so you can be accountable. It's really important. Left to our own devices we WILL feed our addiction first and it becomes the cycle you're in now...So find someone right away. Tell your Dad to pick up your RX and keep it. That was a good suggestion. And you need to tell him not to give you any and he needs to hide them. Then get involved in one of the programs you checked into yesterday or just find some AA meetings and start going everyday. These are the actions that will get you going.
Just keep asking us what to do...we've got you!
Woohoo!
I just replied to your PM but I see you've come around on your own so that is great. I think you need to do the aftercare thing RIGHT NOW. TODAY. You need to start this path to recovery NOW. Then, I would tell your dad, maybe have him go to the pharmacy with you, and hand over the whole scrip. Then you need to get honest with everyone, especially your doctor.
All the while just get your buns into aftercare.
You can do this. What you just posted was a HUGE step and I am proud of you.
Now it's time to pull the trigger. I know your scared, but I can absolutely promise you that this is a turn around point and if you move forward into recovery you will NEVER regret it.
You can save your life.
Proud of you....
Lu
I just replied to your PM but I see you've come around on your own so that is great. I think you need to do the aftercare thing RIGHT NOW. TODAY. You need to start this path to recovery NOW. Then, I would tell your dad, maybe have him go to the pharmacy with you, and hand over the whole scrip. Then you need to get honest with everyone, especially your doctor.
All the while just get your buns into aftercare.
You can do this. What you just posted was a HUGE step and I am proud of you.
Now it's time to pull the trigger. I know your scared, but I can absolutely promise you that this is a turn around point and if you move forward into recovery you will NEVER regret it.
You can save your life.
Proud of you....
Lu
Thanks for getting honest. I bet that is a weight off your shoulders. What I think you need is aftercare, aftercare and aftercare. I can't say it enough. Here is a little light rading for you:
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/you-never-have-to-use-again/show/2303564
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/you-never-have-to-use-again/show/2303564
Can you give him trams instead of percs to pay him back? Then no perc script and you can stop that cycle.
Ok pink great good coming clean and owning up to everything going on.
First I have to ask - what is causing your chronic pain? How will you handle it without any pills (trams or percs)? How old are your kids too? A little history will help us understand more.
Your perc/booze thing scares the hell out of me!!! I am so happy you want to stop bc thst is so dangerous.
Do you take the percs any other time time during the month or is is mainly for the "party"? If that is it, you have to dump the prescription for that. Tell your dad you can't get them anymore and he can't give them to you either. Your dad takes them too, he has an idea of what you are doing. Maybe not the wine part but taking more than you have/need.
Keep up with your recovery places. Go to your AA/NA meetings. You have gone a long way. Just have to make the plan and keep to it. You can break the cycle. Instead of spending those nights drinking, watch a movie on the couch with the kids. Put on the music and walk on the treadmill. Read. Keep your mind occupied. And be strong.
First I have to ask - what is causing your chronic pain? How will you handle it without any pills (trams or percs)? How old are your kids too? A little history will help us understand more.
Your perc/booze thing scares the hell out of me!!! I am so happy you want to stop bc thst is so dangerous.
Do you take the percs any other time time during the month or is is mainly for the "party"? If that is it, you have to dump the prescription for that. Tell your dad you can't get them anymore and he can't give them to you either. Your dad takes them too, he has an idea of what you are doing. Maybe not the wine part but taking more than you have/need.
Keep up with your recovery places. Go to your AA/NA meetings. You have gone a long way. Just have to make the plan and keep to it. You can break the cycle. Instead of spending those nights drinking, watch a movie on the couch with the kids. Put on the music and walk on the treadmill. Read. Keep your mind occupied. And be strong.
Tell your dad before you get your pills, can he go get them with you and just take whT he needs and trash the rest? I think you need someone to keep you accountable, if it's not your dad. Tell him now, while you have this moment of clarity. That's my opinion.
As for the perk/booze combo, our bodies really only detox one drug at a time, it will eliminate the greater threat first. Opiates are so similar to our natural brain chemistry, it sees alcohol as the worse toxin. The perks can then build up in your system to higher serum levels. It doesn't sound crazy at all, your tolerance has made it so that is the only way you can get the high you are looking for. Really though, the high you are longing for can't be achieved on any drug. To feel good about yourself, strong and free, that doesn't come in a bottle. Neither does love and appreciation for life. The drugs are lying to you, making you feel that is as good as it gets. Those natural highs we all truly want have to be worked for and we have to do things we don't want to sometimes to get them.
I always say, when the window of clarity is open, jump through it, it won't stay open forever. Jump, don't just stare through it. You won't regret it, and I think you know that deep down.
As for the perk/booze combo, our bodies really only detox one drug at a time, it will eliminate the greater threat first. Opiates are so similar to our natural brain chemistry, it sees alcohol as the worse toxin. The perks can then build up in your system to higher serum levels. It doesn't sound crazy at all, your tolerance has made it so that is the only way you can get the high you are looking for. Really though, the high you are longing for can't be achieved on any drug. To feel good about yourself, strong and free, that doesn't come in a bottle. Neither does love and appreciation for life. The drugs are lying to you, making you feel that is as good as it gets. Those natural highs we all truly want have to be worked for and we have to do things we don't want to sometimes to get them.
I always say, when the window of clarity is open, jump through it, it won't stay open forever. Jump, don't just stare through it. You won't regret it, and I think you know that deep down.
pink, ive been reading your story ... wow! what a long way you have come in just a short number of days. good for you! you have come back here after some ups and downs and you have taken a lot of different sources of advice and you have internalized it and used it to your benefit .. amazing! yay you! yay!!! you are here with total honesty what a gift to yourself and how brave you are. in terms of the 20 perks ... see to me the priority is your health and being clean, not paying back your dad but I understand he needs them. I bet if he knew he'd rather have you cancel the scrip and get clean ... if you have a driving need to pay him back can someone else pick up the scrip for you? can you tell dad you are going to pick up the scrip and come back with it and hand it over to him? all of it? no at this point I am not sure you would be able to get rid of the rest. it's so loaded emotionally and you are so fraught with feeling over it. you are doing great with the Tram taper but I agree its probably messing with your brain big time to get that huge hit and then be depleted ... slow and steady wins the race. I am so impressed with you! others will come on with sage advice ... hang on. :)
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