I'm trying to convince myself......

[broop1]

.......... Here it goes

Ive been on and off tramadol or other uppers for the past several years. Its been 3 days now and my life feels unmanageable. My house is a mess my kids are watching way too much t.v. and Im driving my wife up the wall.
I have a loss of energy, flu like symptoms, all the crap that comes with w/d. The thing that ***** is that I've been here before, I've made it all the way to 3 weeks with out. But as the pys. symps. go away the mental crap oh man. Thats the killer for me! My wife says tell the doc you need some anti depressants or something then I say its just replacing one pill for another. The thing is I am better when I'm on them, I mean in every aspect of my life.
     The reason I want to quit is not because they don't work, I want to quit because my wife, she is the greatest,toughest most awesome women I have ever been blessed by meeting. We where talking about us and our life together thus far, and she said" i know your knee is messed up but i feel like your only on this (holding my tram bottle) because your not happy, with us,me or the kids"  that was horrible! So i need to find out for her and for me! I can handle the phys. w/ds. Ive ran out before for weeks but its the mental stability that always brings me back. So what im trying to convince my self of is that it would be ok to take an anti depressant even tho that would be just a replacement .  oh and for people needing a energy supplement L-tyrosine  1000mg  and a monster it will get the house work done.  

Thanks  

[gnarly_1]

HI ....Im glad to see your doing better......I can relate to the cold causing pain...I moved to the desert so its rarely a problem any more.....I just want to see how you where doing its been a few days since I posted to you hang in there it just going to be a mental grind from here stay strong and keep posting for support......Gnarly

[Punkinhead75]

Glad to hear you are doing well.  Keep it up!!!

[DayToTry]

Congratulations on your 11 days.  Each day gets better doesn't it!  Yeah, I take Advil for my back and knees and I do fine.  Crazy huh!  We thought we needed so much more.  After awhile I think the stuff like hydro actually creates pain so you'll keep taking it.

[broop1]

So its been 11 days it has gotten so much better.
I have a friend at church that runs an AA class he told me to try some Acai berry on day 4 and wow that turned me around. that stuff is great. So on day 11 I feel good except 4 my knees the cold is coming in and it makes my knees feel like crap. BUT ill survive on bayer back and body and not those crappy trams,

Thanks all ill up date as much as possible
Its still not easy but it is getting easier.  

[mountianMama642]

My husband has been thru 3 back operations and lots bottles of pills, and eventually I started to find reasons for needing them too. Headaches, cramps, kids driving me nuts, bordeum.... there is always a reason.  But latley the reasons don't seem to be adding up for me. Over the last few years I've had to take the meds just to stay well....and yes it makes it easier to get through the day with the kids and the housework and all of the whatever -
But this part - that your going thru (and that I am too and will be for the next few weeks) This part is the part that *****. THe months where you took all your pills before the next appt and the crappies and grumpies come out and take over. I think I started taking more pills so that when my husband would (and there for so would I) I'd try harder to make sure that he got his next scrpt written ASAP, or find a friend to call who could help us out.... But its just not fun for me anymore.  

The 'this part' ***** and I really hope its the last time I have to do it!  And I hope it for you too, man. Our families deserve us to be the best we can for them.  Not just feel the best, but be the best.
Too Cheezy?
Sorry...its all running together for me over here!
Gonna go carve pumpkins and try to breathe thru this.

[livngr8ful]

Keep the fight up.  Everyday get's better.

[broop1]

Its weird..... I feel really good  today. we will see how it goes
Thanks for all the help guys. ill see you later.

[Punkinhead75]

Hey broop,

I was laughing at livngr8ful's post.  I'm 6'4" and about 285lbs.  My is only 5'2" and I know better than to share the rest. LOL!!  She scares the crap outta me too.  I'm not comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with her.  I can do it with most other people but with her,  I start slamming on the brakes and building walls.  Sharing with her takes a lot of courage for me and I have learned to do it.  Anyway,  from what I've been reading it really sounds like you could just use some support.  I went to an IOP and attend AA mtgs.  They both really helped me understand my addiction and the effect it has on others.  I even went to al anon to help cope better with the ol lady.  The supportive folks you find here are the same ones at the mtgs.  I've read lots of posts where people have tried going it alone with little or no success.  Once they become willing to go to mtgs. and stick with it they find a way of living and working with others that actually works.   Good luck and God bless!!!

[livngr8ful]

Everyone has issues in a relationship.  That's marriage, people are not perfect.  And ya have issues. If that's the only you she knows, try letting her know you. Most addicts wives or husbands only know the loaded person.  I never thought of me having fear.  I bought and sold drugs, alot of them. If ya owed, I had no issue collecting.  I wasnt afraid of getting hurt, nor hurting.  No matter how big, what weapon you had, never flinched. Careless ya.  But then comes along a 105 pound blue eyed girl.  Fear at it's core. If she knows everything then what are you needing.  You have anger and frustration? dont know how to deal with it. Keep it open, kind, and honest. You really have nothing to loose.  you cant live like this and either can she.  Your feelings will be clear as you do what you need to.  

[broop1]

I think ive divulged every little thing even to the secret stash in my toolbox. I mean every little thing is out there, from the time we met to the time we are at now it took about 4 hours of just me talking, She knows where Im at she knows what im attempting to do. She knows me, when we met I had just gotten out of jail for 10 days (wasn't drug related). Actually the only me she knows is the drugged me, its been along time since i was strait.
I moving alright just hope its the right time, We both have issues in our relationship this time its just mine tho.  

[livngr8ful]

All this takes a huge set of Ba!!s, any of it. And we don't fix anything.  What is done is done.  ya cant change the past, but you can make the future.  You carry a huge weight, when you are ready get rid of at least a bit.  She loves you, im sure.  You feel out of controll, nothing we can say will help it.  What you choose to do will. Its all about us one single person "me" "you"..  We are ideas and experiences you are action, choice, and movement.  Make the choice... How ya gonna move.  The ball is in your court, always has been.  

[livngr8ful]

One thing on my last post.  It was the honesty and trust that made the difference.  Everything I wasnt honest about built up to where i wasnt sure how to communicate with her.  I just went to the edge of the cliff, and with faith, I jumped.  I landed and now we are walking away, with each other. It was a hell of a fall. She said after the whole thing was complete. The secrets I thought I had were not secrets at all.  I just lied or omitted the truth.  We are not nearly as sneaky as we think.  More over the things we fear the most really are not that scary.  It feels good to get it out and move beyond.  And ya, believe me, if she is here now through all your BS and deceit, why would being honest and open be worse.  It's not, not even in the same realm. She may even thank you for it.  Just an idea.. This is all you, your recovery is yours, own it and make it happen. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.  I'm no longer afraid..

[broop1]

If she read what i said here she would probably hurt more.
i need to fix myself first in order for me to fix us. How can I be great to someone else when i hate what i have become.
i wrote her an email alil while ago and told her that i cant be what she deserves, until i beat this.
Its gonna take some time but ill get through it and ill get a chance to fix the wrong that ive done to her.
Ill be the man and father i want to be that i know i can be. I hate this craziness that I have become. Im gonna get through this.

[livngr8ful]

I was reading your post and I felt the same way.  I found with time that it's because she had no idea what I was going through.  I talked but it was limited to I feel nasty, frustrated, ant to take something, just the basics.  I dont know your relationship.  I know that until I opened up to her about this, she didnt understand.  If you have it in you and are ready for her to be a piece to this puzzle, mostly if she is ready.  Maybe you can involve her.  I spent alot of time writing on paper my thoughts.  I handed them over to her to read, she chose to read them.  Then a better understanding of how I felt.  It needs to be a decision between you two.  It's a gigantic step to involve your spouse. But my wife is my best friend, and I trust and love her.  And I found it was unfair of me to ask what I was asking for with out all the information. Kinda like telling a doctor you think ya broke a bone, without saying where.  It's alot of work to sift through all the feelings and emotion for her.  But if you and her are ready it could be a step that may help both of you understand and start the healing process.  You love her, and care deeply for her.  You say it in most posts.  Maybe, she needs to see to understand.  Its a step and a big one.  But it does help in healing, and understanding.  I know it did for us.  Steven

[broop1]

This is craziness, I cant function, I go from smiles to screams over nothing.
This is why I never stay off. I act stupid, i freek out on my wife about BS and then its a hail of bullets.
I feel like i could do it but no one will even give me a chance to get all the way through it.
I need time, to relax to not have to chase my kids, Im literally going nuts, I feel like i should be doing something, but i don't want to get up,
Its my wifes day off today so we do our thing go to lunch cause the girls are out of school.
Come home and she falls asleep, I feel like my skeleton is gonna jump out of my skin and run down the street and she goes to sleep! My kids are all amped and wanna do something, so I freek out and say "what the hell why do you need to sleep you where out by 8:30 last night and I haven't got any real sleep in days." then you know so on and so on . I really dont know if its me or her? What level of support should I get? When I get on edge and say something to her she mocks me and says its not my fault you cant handle your issues without drugs. What should i expect from her ? I just want a chance to really be done  with this stuff but will my relationship survive?

[vicki595]

I thought it interesting that you wrote "mourning" instead of "morning".  Freud at work!!

The thing that will keep you clean is after care. Meetings or therapy or support group...
anything!  But you have to have something...a lot of us know it now after trying and failing so many times.  Think about it,okay?

The antidepressant will help,I'm sure,but it's not a panacea. We WORK at staying clean!

[livngr8ful]

broop1,  I've spent way to much time trying to make decisions about taking a medication for a real reason.  I have had 5 major surgeries on my spine.  With that I spent  quite a bit of time abusing the med's, getting mad stopping and resuming later on.  Last month was when I got on here. I had some people say walk from them and others say if ya have a legitimate reason, take what you need.  It drove me crazy, it drove my wife nuts.  I made the decision to keep on the meds and stop beating the crap out of myself. So I made an appointment a few weeks a go and re-start the med's.  I was off for 2-3 week's, wasnt counting as I figured Id start again.  Them something happened.  I stopped thinking about the med's because I had my appointment and knew it was on its way.  The appointment slipped my mind, and I haven't taken now for a long while.  I simply gave up the argument I was having in myself.  If you are going to take something for your issues, do it.  But do it with total confidence, dont second guess.  I let time do it's thing and it all comes together at a point.  Then you see you are fine, and life has a great way of coming together for all people. Dont let this consume you.  Your time and family are way more important.  Sometimes we all need to think in a world beyond the addiction.  The point of this whole thing is... We need to control our addictions, not the addictions control us.  It's small steps, take a minute and just let it be what it is.  And then with patience that minute turns to hours, days, weeks, and month's. Yes we are addicts but it cant control our lives. It will always be apart of us forever, but it does not need to be the largest factor.  Take your wife to dinner, spend a night talking about life, not medications, or addictions, or problems, just the small things that make you you and her her.  You and her deserve a break from the consuming thought process of recovery. That does not say take a break and get loaded. Give your self a break from the thoughts.  I found if I could do that from time to time, things were much clearer when I had to talk about a decision, or a problem with this.  Our loved ones are as tired of this as we are.  It's like a little kid saying are we there yet? And no we are not, but we are driving in the direction we need to go. Hit the cruise control, have faith, and don't run out of gas, that will make the trip longer.  It is only the way I started to see things.  I forced and beat up every thing I did.  I had to let go and let my life play out, with out the drug's. And here I am happy clean, and still driving forward.  I just now have more gas to keep going.  

[LeaAnn807]

OMG.....I was SO like that!  I could make it though the hard physical part, but I went back every time.  I went though that every month for several months until I got really sick of it.  You can stay off.  And you can do it this time and never have to go though it again.  It helped me to remember that it never made me feel good anymore to take pills, but it always made me feel worse to have WDs! : )  

Talk to your doctor about an AD.  It could make all the difference!

[broop1]

I feel good this mourning, I took some Tylenol pm last nigh and was able to sleep.
I did a quick ween so most of the physical side affects have subsided already, Just a grouch now.
The hardest part for me is not getting off its staying off, ive gone weeks before but can never totaly made it over the last hump. I think that if i can get a anti- depressant it may get me past the hump. Hope so anyways.  

[vicki595]

Yes,Trama Honey, I was talking about you!!

Broop~  Let us know how you're doing!  Tramahater has a lot of experience with coming off of Tramadol and will hold your hand the whole way...she knows all "the tricks"!

Also,"Madtram" may post to you. These women KNOW !

Good luck~

[LeaAnn807]

Hi!!!  I think maybe vicki is talking about me!!!! : )

I went on an AD in April after I quit HUGE, massive dose of tramadol in March.  I didn't really want to take it, like you, but I could see that it was far better than what I had been doing to poison myself, so why not try?  I did, and it made a big difference.  It isn't instant help, and you have to be patient and know that it will work.  That was the hardest part for me.  

Tramadol will kill you!!!  No doubt.  The best thing you could do at this point is never touch it again.  You will feel better, but it may take a little bit!  It's worth the wait!

[Punkinhead75]

Hi broop,

When I quit drinking and drugging I wanted to be all clean too.  The bottom line was I needed something to help with the depression.  I didn't want to but after struggling for a few months I decided to listen to some suggestions and go on zoloft.  While I was on it I was able to get a good look at myself and do some "house cleaning" so to speak.  I only had to take it about 5 months.  I've been doing pretty well.  A few bumps in the road as far as the pity pot and depression go but still clean and sober.   My wife is also kinda tough.  Not always giving of the compassion or support.  I learned to talk to others about what was going on with me until I could better handle talking to her.  Good lock!!

[broop1]

I am gonna talk to the doc.
what the hell Ive already put tons of horrible crap in my body that did nothing but damage,
whats it gonna hurt to put something that might actually help.
As far as the actual pain that you where prescribed the drugs for..... what did you do for it?
My right knee was severely damaged in a motor cycle accident,
That was the original reason for the prescription.

[gnarly_1]

Hey dude....just wanted to encourage you to stick this thing out....you can beat this addiction
if I can walk away from 16 1/2 yrs on the stuff you can do it to wile your kids are still young
and you still have your wife....lissen to Vicki she knows what she is talking about a antidepressant will make a world of difference ...I never took tram been on every other pill and spent 6 1/2 yrs on methadone....sometimes you dont just get better over night
it can take some time...it took me 90 days just to start to feel better then slowly I came off of its spell....I have herd horror storys of people coming off of tram...most of the successful members went on antidepressants to counteract the side effects of trams withdrawal we have a member that will come along and see your post she has recovered from tram her nic is tramhater I will send her a message so she finds your post she cwill be more then helpful to you wile your trying to do this...right now do your best to keep a positive attitude going it will help more then anything else you can do....the sleep thing su cks but its all part of the withdrawal try not to get discouraged this is hard to do but it is doable keep posting for support good luck and God bless.......Gnarly