Im trying to stay clean and .....

[shelly750]

I read a lot of posts but never actually asked for advice but I could really use some now anyone and everyone feel free!!!! Iam a 30 year old female with a husband we've been married for 7 years with 2 children 5and 8.   So my husband and I have been both using hydros 7.5, Lortabs 10, morphine, oxycontin, ms contin, dilaudid, fentanyl patches on so on I'm sure you get the point.    Although we mostly used the vicodin unless we couldn't find it we used the others. My doctor wrote me a script for the 10/500 mg Lortabs(vicodin) 240 a month my husband also got the same pills but 90 a month.  It got to the point we were still running out every month like twice a month and had to buy them on the street as well.  We have been taking them for 4 years the past year and a half has been the worst and I finally broke!!! I told my parents and brother and they had no clue It was even coming.  I checked myself into a detox center for 5 days and they gave me suboxone while I was there and the day I went home.  I only had severe withdrawals the first 8 hours I was there and within minutes of the suboxone had no withdrawals.  I attend outpatient therapy and attend meetings and read these posts everyday for support and my family's been awesome.  
My husband even detoxed himself while I was gone and the kids were at my moms so thought great everythings gonna be fine.   Well I've been clean 13 days and felt wonderful then I found some all too familiar blue pills that my husband has been hiding !!!! I'm so upset and feel betrayed but I WILL NOT take one of those pills so I flushed them down the toilet and he doesn't know yet.  He wont be home for a few more hours and I'm not sure how to react to him or treat this?????  My kids are here so I dont want them to know were fighting so I dont want to confront him tonight.  any and all suggestions please!!!!!!!!!!!

[FriaryGrad]

It's not always easy to remember when we are anxious and uncertain about information we're about to share, but your calm tone set the tone of the entire conversation.  You asked: "How do we live together when one is trying so hard to stay away and the other isn't? "  You do that by controlling the person you can control (you), and turning the person you can't control (your husband) over to your Higher Power. Maybe when you're tempted to try to change or correct his behavior you might stop for a second silently, "God, I turn this problem over to you."  I probably write too much about AA and NA because one of the Twelve Traditions is that it's "a program of attraction not promotion." We're supposed to attract people to AA/NA by being a positive example of the benefits of being clean and sober, not "promote" the idea the person attending. It's fine for a member of AA/NA to say to someone who's concerned about drugs/alcohol: "Why not give NA a try."   Just stay focused on your recovery and be a positive example for your husband-- and give NA a try....you'll get some good advice there, I promise.  I can't answer about your kids but I can tell you that now is probably not a good time to make major life decisions; at least that's what they said at the rehab I went to.  It was suggested to us that we not make any life decisions for a full year, and in my experience that was great advice.  And although I hope and pray you won't relapse, if his possession of the pills is endangering your recovery you may have to ask him not to keep his pills at home, and /or not to be at home when he is under the influence.  I'll be praying for you....keep us posted.

[shelly750]

So I said I'd update you on how the talk went.  It actually went better than I thought.  I just came out and asked him with politeness and concern in my tone why and how long has he had these pills hidden in the bedroom?  He said the first couple days I was home he was still clean but a mutual friend of ours stopped by while I was at a meeting and he couldn't resist them.  (which myself and any addict can understand)  He totally understood why I flushed them and said he didn't blame me.  He had taken 10 and I flushed 10.  He said the only reason he didn't tell me about it was because he didn't want me too be tempted to take any.  I just told him I know how hard It Is and If he wanted to keep taking them I understand I just dont want to and cant see the pills right now because on a different day I might not be strong enough not to take them.  How do we live together when one is trying so hard to stay away and the other isn't?  I hope It can be done I dont know what else to do.   He thinks he can just cut down and take 2 or 3 a day maybe he can I dont know all I know Is I couldn't.  I'm just gonna try out of sight out of mind thing and see how that works I guess.   I just cant leave him for the same addiction we started together.  Is It enough for the kids with one parent still taking pills and the other sober?  I guess I'll just have to give this one some time.

[FriaryGrad]

Great...I can't wait to hear about it. I'll be at work tomorrow but will check back tomorrow evening for sure. In fact, I've got to go to bed NOW.  Take care and remember I am praying for you and your family.  

[shelly750]

If I forget to answer one of your questions let me know. Yeah when I look back to when I first started 4 years ago and I think I was a little depressed but it got worse and to not deal with It I would tell myself the vicodin would take all the bad feelings away but the opposite happened and got worse.  I'm attending outpatient counseling 2-3 times per week plus attend N/A meetings so I'm going to continue with that.   I was only on the suboxone the 5 days in detox and they sent me home with a half pill.  I just wish he would've went with me to detox my mom was willing to keep our sons and everything but he didn't want my mom and dad to know that he was using too and I think also he doesn't want the Doctor to know  in case he wants to go back for pills because I cant I had to have the Dr sign a form stating he would not give me narcotics any longer before I went into detox.  I know for sure the first 2 days I was home from detox he was not but he was using after that and he just didn't want me to be tempted so he decided not to tell me and hide them.  I'll post the full story on that tomorrow I'm pooped out.  
Thanks for all your input and support I'll keep you posted and I'll post "the talk" tomorrow

Love
Shelly

[road2recovery]

Welcome...WOW strong indeed, that is alot of meds...Are you off of the suboxone now?

Ok, i will say this and don't want it to come out wrong...First off , great job and keep going....My hubby is not an addict, but i am thinking if he was, and he went to rehab and did not have to suffer like me, with the sub, not sure if i could of handled that....When in active addiction our brains don't think like they should...
Do you  think he is using?  Or is it a stash

I didn't see where you said how long you were using?
hugs
r2r

[FriaryGrad]

You are taking back control of your life, and that is awesome.  Look at the strength you had within you, along with (it is my personal belief) the help you received from God. I hope he isn't angry, too.  That will not be fun to deal with.  But don't you know -- not just think but KNOW -- that if he is angry you have the skills and the strength to deal with it? Of course you do -- you've already done one of the hardest things a person will ever have to do -- give up something our brains had come to need like they need oxygen and sleep. Your brain was craving drugs (and may still be, in its Post Acute Withdrawal stage, called PAWS), and you stuck with it anyhow.  Tell your husband YOU were not to the stage where you could have them in the house.  Find an aftercare program, like NA or AA.  Your family is awesome, but you understand that they are supporting your recovery...don't expect them to support a relapse. They would still support YOU I'm sure, but they will be the most help to you and your husband if they only support your recovery.  Let them know it will be a struggle for a while, and get them to watch the kids so you can get immersed in a good aftercare program, for at least 90 days. Try to get your husband to go, but if he won't, go anyhow.  Eventually he will want what you have, and may join you.  During this stressful time, realize that each of you is responsible for your own actions ONLY.  He can't MAKE you relapse and you can't keep him from relapsing.  All the power is within each of you, but not in both of you.  Congratulations...you are a great mom and wife.  I promise you there are a lot of people reading these posts and elsewhere who envy your strength. I will be praying for you.  Please keep us posted. You CAN do this.  One more thing -- think back to why you began to take the pills other than for legitimate pain control. You may have been depressed without realizing it.  If so, antidepressants may help you a lot. I have almost 4 years clean and sober, due in large part to admitting my depression and beginning to take Lexapro.  It turned a black and white existence into living color.  

[shelly750]

I just hope he doesn't get mad at me for flushing them.  I had to I didn't want that temptation laying around.  We've both tried cold turkey together many times thats why I turned to rehab because I always failed on my own.  As soon as he wakes up I'm going to calmly talk to him about everything.   I dont want to jump to conclusions and think he didn't quit at all.  Because I know he was clean when I came home.   Thanks again for the advise.  I wont be hard on him cuz I know he doesn't need that.

[addict200]

Relapse is very common and although it sounds like you are doing great don't be to hard on him for his relapse. Talk to him, hear him out. I relapse and the last thing I want to do is admit it. Addicts do that, hide it, he's probably ashamed and maybe he didn't want you to relapse also.
Just talk I think is the best thing to do, be understanding and supportive, that's my advice.

[extrmeski]

it sounds to me that you went somewhere to detox and your husband did it himself, is that right?  If I am right, don't be too hard on him, c/t is very hard and you should be proud that he even tried.  The blue pills you found might just be a back-up for him or a bit of comfort knowing if it gets too bad he can get a little relief.  I'm just guessing here but I wouldn't be too harsh on him.  
You also might be stronger then he is, and he needs your help and understanding.  Approach it with compassion and understanding and he might just open up to you.
Just my opinion.

[shelly750]

Thanks  Thats another reason why I dont want to confront him tonight  and wake up hopefully refreshed and deal with It then.   I mean I still definitely want to hear what he has to say about it.  Because I know deep down he wanted to stay clean.  Maybe he needs a few days away himself to let It really sink in thats what It obviously took me 5 days of not seeing or talking to my children did It for me.

[landbray]

if he is using he doesn't care what you think about it,
I thought I was reading my post when I read your story/ Mine almost identical except 15 years older. My husband did methadone for 4 yrs. Then started suboxine, I have been on it since 6-24.08, I feel great.
Sounds like you have a good friendship with him, you are all working together, so I would just ask him. The WORSE? He's using. You'll just have to start over.I wound''t let his relapse interfere wih your recovery. Keep pushing on.
good luck
paaddict

[ochooked]

All I can say is you are one brave and determined lady - ---  I wish you the best.  You love your husband enough to want what's best for him - even if he doesn't see it now.   Stay strong -  -   I know it must have taken great courage to flush those pills but you absolutely did the right thing - ----  He is not coming clean with you - as you did with him - and that will take some counseling - some help --  You can and will make it - stay strong