In a bit of a bind

[tramuser99]

Unfortunately, like many others I am not new to this board.  I have been on here many many months ago asking questions with the intent to quit this long overdue dependence on pain meds.  
I refer to myself as an internet addict, I dont have a dealer I call, I have random internet dealers from whom I order from what might seem like lower level meds to some but they are still just as hard to quit.  Somewhat of a functioning addict, have been able to hold jobs at least but the rest of me life has went to sh*t.

Started off on tramadol (why couldn't the US ban it sooner!!), then got into dihydrocodeine and regular codeine (DHC was my DOC).  What makes my situation unique is I am currently working a job outside of the US with ZERO comforts in terms of daily living and I put in 6 12 hour days a week with no days off besides the one per week.  The reason I am writing this message now is because I am finally at a point where I get my one 2.5 week vacation for the year.  This time around I HAVE to use it to get off these meds because I am absolutely terrified I will be forced to do it while I am here at work from running out.  It takes a long time to get any mail here and I dont like the fact of sending that type of mail here regardless, plus the DHC supplier went down for awhile once before but I was lucky to have lots of trams to at least kill the physical stuff.
RIght now I have "tapered" down to using regular codeine which is almost out but I also have about 150 50mg trams.  It wasn't will power that got me to taper at least off the DHC, it was simply a case of not having access.  

Here is my dilemma, do I go to a somewhat closer country like Thailand (5 hour flight vs. 13 hours) and get a nice hotel for 20 days and stop the meds in the comforts of a hotel and rambling on these forums for support (I have valium and even a very small amount of Suboxone to help).  Another option, do I fork over $8-10k to go to a rehab center in Thailand (paying out of pocket).  Or do I just fly all the way back to the US and tackle the issue there?  I guess the reason I am unsure is because I dont know what my state of mind will be after 2.5 weeks, if its pretty fragile and I am depressed and hating myself for what I have let myself get into then I might not even be able to return to my current job, this means another plane ticket from Thailand to the US and about a total of $10-13k of money spent on this "vacation", which of course will depress me more, not to mention I won't have a job lined up in the US.  Or do you think after that amount of time I should be able to return to work overseas which at least would allow me to recoup the money but endure the crappy living and long hours of work?  I am afraid the depression might be too much.

To get an insight on my usage, I was taking anywhere from 1200 to 900mg of DHC per day on and off for 2 years. For the last week after running out of DHC, I am now on about 600-700g of Codeine along with maybe 400mgs of tramadol (I take it as I need it so I haven't really set a schedule yet).  Like I said I have valium, some clonidine, and 2.5 8mg sub strips.  My biggest weakness when it comes to withdrawal is waking up when that daze is lifted and realizing the situation you are in, it seems so beatable when the meds are in you, but once you get that first taste of withdrawal you feel like a defeated soul.

Sorry for the long post, I know going to a rehab is always the best choice, but I also hate spending the money that I have sacrificed many good years working in shithole countries trying to get ahead.  Plus the reason I picked Thailand and not going to the US for rehab is because its close and I guess the thought of going to the US to try and kick this and knowing I won't want to see my family in that condition (I have still kept it a secret) just seems like more mental torture than being in a tropical foreign land.

Once again, sorry for the rambling, as many of you know your mind is flooded with emotions knowing withdrawal is just over the horizon.

[tramuser99]

Plus I dont want to add to my depression by thinking about the amount of money I am spending on rehab, flights, etc.  Granted I have spent a crazy amount on my habit, but that self-humiliation is horrible when coming off opiates.  

I understand no one here has the answers, I am just using this to think out loud I guess.  I am crunched for time because I dont have many meds left so I have to make a decision within the next day or so on how to tackle this all.

[tramuser99]

I guess my biggest concern is how I am going to feel after 2 to 21/2 weeks.  So far I have gotten through this job by self-medication.  When I am finally clean, will I be stable enough to want to return to this crap job, or will I be a mental mess that just wants to quit my job and fly back to the US.  Will I be strong enough to handle the stresses here? I mean, I could easily recoup the rehab money by returning, but I also know how I feel when withdrawals kick in, I dont want to get up to even use the bathroom its so bad. I dont think I could just sit in a hotel and get clean without any support, there is just way too much downtime in which you have nothing to do but think about how bad you want it to end.

I guess I just dont know what my thought process is going to be at that time which scares me the most.  Will I be able to socialize with my co-workers, or will I be a depressed zombie that is hating life.

[dwhitti777]

Well it sounds like you have been able to sabotage yourself as far as getting drugs no matter where you go. If you manage to not use anything on your "vacation" you will feel pretty awful those 2 weeks. Stock up on supplements and protein drinks as they will help. Keep hydrated. Most people seem to feel like they are starting to feel human again after 2 weeks...but not 100%. Many can and work but most aren't working in the conditions you do.

Considering you were still getting stuff this time... I think it's important that you are able to get support after you get clean in order to stay that way. Something like AA/NA meetings. What about vacationing some place in the US that you think you might want to live and work. Find an outpatient program (or maybe rehab) to support you in getting clean and where you could get aftercare. You can probably do the outpatient, airfare, and hotel for less than the 12K. Once you are done you can decide if you want to live/work in the area, or some place else where you could still go to meetings.

[tramuser99]

I am not so worried about taking some meds into a country simply because I barely have any anyways and would just put them in another bottle.  I have dont this work many times so traveling with valium or something has never been an issue, even with tramadol.  I guess I just dont know how I am going to feel after those initial two weeks so I dont know if I will want to come back to this job or not.  If I dont come back then going to Thailand is a waste because the rehab there is like $12k AND I would still have to buy another flight back to the US afterwards.  I guess I am more curious how people felt after two weeks going to a rehab setting, did any return to a job right away or is it out of the question.  I know my habit doesnt seem extremely large at this point in time but its simply because I am getting close to being out and I was forced to taper off some stuff.  I am eff'ing miserable right now, even the fact of booking all this and packing seems like a chore.  When I get back from work I lay in my bed until I have to force myself back up again.  Its a maddening cycle and the fear of being far away makes it worse.  The only reason I came back overseas is because I knew it would be harder to get the meds so I figured I would have to taper off, however that sounds great and all when you happen to be on the drugs when making that insane decision.  However I also wasn't supposed to be out here as long as I have been, it was only supposed to be a short span when I originally signed up.

[dwhitti777]

Wow... I don't have a clue what would be better for you. I do worry about you traveling with the meds you have unless you have solid rxs for them as I know some countries are very strict. I worry about you trying to do it all on your own and you'll be so miserable during it that it probably won't matter if you are in the tropics or Antarctica. What if you fold and then try to buy in Thailand and end up in jail?

I know rehab can be a great deal less expensive in some places like Thailand if you can find one that is very reputable.  I'd definitely want to talk to people who had actually been to them. I guess you should choose where you would feel the most secure. If it's the US then go there. It's a big country and you could be a long way from your family if you want...or maybe Canada? As for the money... what good is keeping it if you don't own your own life?