In dire need of help dealing with legitmate pain while being an addict

As hard as it is to admit, even in complete anonymity I NEED HELP. I've been addicted to pain meds since 2003. I started taking them after injuring my back playing Junior College baseball. Numerous MRI's and scans continued to show nothing, so I turned to self medicating. Over a period of 6 years of numerous Doctors telling me they could find no reason for my pain, I went from taking maybe 2 tylenol 3's a day as needed for pain to spending upwards of $300 a day on whatever narcotic I could find, and if it did happen to quell a bit of my pain in the process of getting high then so be it. In 2009, I did finally have an elevation of pain one day that put me in the hospital, where 5 compression fractures were finally found in my spine, so I was prescribed OC 20's and Roxy 15's. Ofcourse I continued to abuse those, having 100-120 of each pill per month, and that amount would last maybe a week and half. Cutting to the chase, I finally got my **** together and in November of 2010, got off the Oxycontin, got on Opana and brought in others to dispense my medicine to me so I couldn't abuse them. I've maintained that up until about 2 weeks ago, however I have never dealt with any of the psychological and emotional issues associated with the addiction (guilt, anger, embarassment, anxiety, depression, isolation, self hatred, feeling worthless etc). 2 weeks ago I realized that even though I had seemingly turned the corner and things should be looking up, I found that I was just as miserable as I was while I was actively abusing perscription meds. So I did what any rational person would do - I jumped right back into trying to get high figuring If I was going to be miserable I mine as well enjoy a few mins out of the day. I have realized where this is heading, and wish to get a handle on it, but I'm terrified that admiting to my Doctors that I'm having this issue will permanently put an end to the only medication that has given me a measureable quality of life  I have tried numerous non-narcotic meds with no results towards pain relief, and my back pain is such that with out enough relief it is debilitating. I would appreciate anyone's point of view who has dealt with being an addict, yet needed legitimate pain relief, as well as anyone who has any help to offer dealing with all the emotional  aspects that come with being an addict. I've thought about going to a rehab facility, but I don't have any income currently to pay for it, and my insurance doesn't cover any rehab facilties that specialize in addiction and pain management. I obviously can't deal with the emotional stuff on my own, but dont know where to turn to for help either.  Thanks in advance. Any help or in-put at all is greatly appreciated.

[vicki595]

Hi there!

You did what any rational person would do???   I know you were being funny there...

Listen, have you been to a pain clinic or pain management clinic/doctor? You might try that. There's a way for this to be managed along with your apparent depression. Medhelp has a pain management forum, as well, and you might want to take a look over there. At the top of this page just click on "forums" and look under "pain".

What are you taking now...exactly?

[vicki595]

Hi there!

You did what any rational person would do???   I know you were being funny there...

Listen, have you been to a pain clinic or pain management clinic/doctor? You might try that. There's a way for this to be managed along with your apparent depression. Medhelp has a pain management forum, as well, and you might want to take a look over there. At the top of this page just click on "forums" and look under "pain".

What are you taking now...exactly?

[WholeSlice]

Yes I was being sarcastic. I currently go to a pain clinic - have been since they finally diagnosed the compression fractures in 2009. I'm prescribed Opana 20's and Opana IR 5s. My concern with letting any Doctors know that I'm having urges to abuse the medication (and giving in to most of those urges), is because I'm afraid they will take away the Opana that has worked so well for my pain. On the other hand, I don't believe I can handle the mental anguish on my own, emotions that have built up because I never dealt with them through all the years I was "using", without self destructing, therefore I probably need outside help. Asking for that help, would be admiting to Doctors that I can't handle the narcotics responsibly, therefore probably having them taken away. Seems like a bit of a lose lose situation.

[donewitis]

How about NA? That's anonymous..and doesn't cost aything but a contribution to deal with your emotions.
Just a thought.
I don't know anything about pain management..but I think you should address that question in the Pain Management forum..regarding what the Dr.s might do...recently I've been reading posts from people who have 'come clean' with their dr.s and they didn't get the results they had hoped for..so before calling them..shout out for more advice.
You are trying to do the right thing in a difficult painful situation..so shame should not even be a part of your vocabulary.
You're reaching out..that's huge... be gentle with yourself..at least try..

[mellie4]

I think you should post over on the pain management forum as well.  I'm in pain management and I've come off a boatload of medications as I didn't like the side effects and it wasn't all that effective on my pain.  There are other options.  There's a lot of support on that forum, and you could find some helpful information.  There are different ways to manage pain, and there's also something called pseudo-addiction.  Not sure if you'd fall into that category but it's possible.