I took my last 2 percs 48 hours ago. Yup if you have them you will take them. I have never been able to flush. They are way too expensive. I still haven't even paid for them yet so I couldn't flush them.
I did a quick taper so I guess I am officially starting day 3. I know my tracker says day 2 but my body says day 3.
I will not call for any more percs.
I will not be a stupid jerk.
I will not ever do this again.
because I like this new Pat I am.
I still am feeling so strong about this and so happy. I spoke with all my family yesterday because they called for my birthday and it just made me feel so strong. We talked about my future, selling my house and moving and I have all their support. It just felt so good to be clean. Everyone said how GOOD I sounded.
Just need to get through this and get my energy back. So much to do.
Hey Pat, I wish you all the best and you just sound like your going to get through this no matter what, and thats an excellent frame of mind!! Im on Day 3 as well, and I know I want this so badly, everything else is peanuts!
GO YOU, be stong! We got this!!
I want it badly too. I have had enough and feel so done.
I just remember waking up sweating even when I was taking the pills and I hate it so much. I am just looking forward to that stopping.
I feel so strong right now and hope it keeps up. I know a weak moment will happen but I am not putting myself in any situations where it could.
We ARE doing this.
You know I always have your back!! You sound done, you've got this!! On day 5 I actually feel ok, can't say 100% or anything but that's ok I will take it! Day 3 was rough for me in the beginning but as the day went on it got better and day 4 was better than day 3! I believe in you, always have always will! :)
Aww thanks sweety. I have had enough. It sure wasn't fun anymore and I actually felt so sick and went thru a depression while I was taking the pills.
Time to pick up the pieces of what I have left in my life and move on.
I have so much to deal with but I am determined to face it all now.
Just wanting to get through this and move on.
You are doing so well and I am so happy you are back. I hope we can give each other strength so keep posting especially when you feel cravings.
We can talk each other through them and not take those evil pills.
Yes, I did. My biggest supplier is gone away for a couple of months and the second one is in jail until the summer. (he tried to rob a pharmacy with a fake gun). The other 2 (yes I have several) just don't come around anymore since my tenant is gone and I have my house locked up tight. If they phone I will just tell them No, I am done. Please don't call again.
They haven't phoned in awhile so I think they know.
You got this Pat, just keep plugging away and working on your recovery. You sound like you are DONE, and thats a good thing, we have to come to a point where its not fun anymore, its dangerous, and then we get our wake up call, i feel you are so ready this time, what about you, do you feel ready?
OMG yes I feel ready. No turning back now. I know the next while is going to be hard but I am going to do everything I can to beat this. I never want to go through this again and I feel like this is my last chance to do it.
Sweetie I'm worried about you. You sound just like me when I was detoxing. I was so down on myself. I called myself name after name. I was mad at myself. Very very hard on myself. I had guilt shame anger depression. All negative things.
I would sware I was done. No more pills. But I didn't know what to put in its place. Do you feel like that??
And I wAnted my sobriety immediately. Well. It didn't happen that way. For the first time I didn't win. I didn't get my way. It didn't and wouldn't come easy for me. And everything else did. Except my sobriety. It wasn't easy. It was hard work. Very very scarey. Intense.
After I was done playing all my head games with myself. I surrendered. I surrendered to tje fact I needed a lot more help with this paticular problem then I ever admitted. Instead of hiding my problem I opened up. I went to rehab. First time it was a flop. Second time I went I wAnted too. I was really ready. To do the work. To take the time to heal.
And when I did surrender everyrhing slowly feel into place. Not at my pace. But a natural process. Instead of fightimg I surrendered. I was tired. Are you tired??
Tell me pat.
What are uou going to do differently this time?? What's your thohghts on meetings counseling etc??
Many hugs. Talk to me. I'm listening.
Pat you are going to have a great day! Why,,because you are sober! You know you can do this,,,I know you can do this! Im worried about what is gonna happen if you start feeling weak again? How can we get you thru that? Whats the plan,Stan? LOL! (((Love you)))~Bkitty
What happens when your biggest supplier comes back in two months? I'm not being harsh, just want to ask the honest questions. I want to see you succeed, I know how badly you want this. But you gotta have a solid plan in place for the future. We can all grin and bear our way through early withdrawal, it's down the road where things can get REALLY tricky and I want you to set yourself up for success.. and be prepared for the temptations that will eventually return.
You know what I went thru a really bad depression recently and was really down on myself but I have snapped out of it and I am really positive now.
I have totally surrendered to drugs. I know I have no contol at all over any narcotic.
My doctor put me on Lyrica for my fibromyalgia and I am determined it's going to work.
Hearing from my son and my sisters yesterday just gave me all the motivation I needed. They know and are as supportive as they can be living so far away.
I am also consideirng talking my mom into moving closer to them. She lives in the same town as me but I would love to be closer to my son and my sister and brother.
As soon as I get my strenth back I have a whole house to clean. I still have my late husbands clothes and things to go through and my sons clothes from when he was a baby lol.
I am going to be very busy as I HAVE to put my house up for sale.
I have no time or no use for percs. I do not need them as all they made me do was stay in bed. They no longer give me any energy.
I am taking my life back no matter what.
When she comes back she will see hopefully a sold sign on the house and Iwill be far away from her. I could hardly wait until she left so I could start this whole process. I know I have to get away from her. She gave me my first perc when my husband was sick in the hospital and dying and wow it took away all the pain. The rest is history.
I hate them now and never want another one again.
You sound a little defensive (again, don't mean to be harsh). And I get that. I used to sound like that too.
And actually, I think it's a good thing and a bad thing. Good because it reinforces your resolve to stay committed to getting clean and doing what you need to do. But it can be bad too, as you want to stay open-minded and take in the advice others are giving to you as much as possible. It wasn't until I knew I had no F'g idea what I needed to do to get clean, and decided to follow those before me who had achieved what I wanted so badly for myself, that I was able to heal (course, I'm still a work in progress and I figure I always will be).
Keep going pat - and again, please tell me how you're going to handle the return of your supplier? Two months clean will be great, but I was still pretty vulnerable at that point. I just want to see you protect yourself here!
I WILL phone tomorrow to see an addiction couselor. I know I need aftercare and thank you. Keep pushing me lady. I need it.
I have to have aftercare. I can't do it alone.
Hopefully I will be strong enough to go to an NA or AA meeting soon.
Tried it once and my whole body shook. My legs were shaking so bad and I know everyone was staring at me thinking I was going to have a seizure. It was really scary.
That's all good. But how do you feel about counseling and going to meeting??
I read into your post above a lot of trama. we all had trama. we don't deal with stress so hot. if it hurts. we don't want to feel it. it makes us depressed. I think you should think about a good cleaning. your house and self. and a fresh start sounds much needed. wipe the slate clean. and get out all the bagage. you'll feel so so much better.
Your a survivor pat. a strong woman. you will pull thru this.... watch out world. pats coming out
Selling the house and starting fresh somewhere sounds like a great plan. My only concern is that you're trying to do too much too soon. You're going to need some real recovery time behind you to take on such a big task. And even if you did get the house ready, are you sure it would sell in two months?
I'm sorry if I'm seeming difficult, honestly, I don't mean to be. I just want to see you look at things realistically here and set yourself up with a plan that you CAN succeed at and not put so much pressure on yourself to do so much so soon. That's a lot of work, Pat, do you really feel up to that just yet?
You are right and thank you. I was scared and didn't want to think about aftercare as it's a huge step admitting to a stranger you are an addict but I know that everyone who has stayed clean has had a good aftercare program.
Like I said to bama I will phone tomorrow. I am scared though.
No I don't feel up to it at all but I have no choice. Everyone is coming after me for money and I have equity in my house so I will be able to pay them.
I have to do it. Don't want to but I have to.
I have been working full time since I was 17 and I have let my addiction put me in this situation.
I seriously have no choice.
Walking into my first NA group,,I lost it. I just started shaking and started balling my eyes out. I couldn't even say my name. I was a few min late and they had gotten started. I missed the chair when I went to sit down and made a lot of commotion and just balled. All of a sudden I felt arms around me and they picked me up,,put me in the chair and some lady held me thru the whole meeting while I blubbered-sometimes gasping for air. It wasn't that I was afraid or scared it was that I was in the right place and I knew from that moment on,,,things in my life were changing. NA has saved me. I cant say enough about it. I finally got my name out at the end and they wanted to know if Id be back and I said Yes I would. They said good because today is the first day of the rest of your life and you made it! I went back and the rest is history.
Take the time to find a good home group. Its worth it! Its worth the time going to find one.
Hey Sweetie, what we are all trying to say is that now early on in recovery we have the balls (pardon my french) to just feel so strong and say i don't want to ever take a pill again, and thats great it keeps us going. But as time goes on by, we tend to quickly forget all the heartache and pain and suffering we went through and so quickly we let our guards down and before you know it, BAM a pill is in your mouth!!! Believe me it happened to me several times. I was 70 days clean, Pat, 70 days, i was doing good, some cravings here and there but not to bad, we go visit my mother in law for a lovely dinner and all of a sudden i get this crazy i mean CRAZY devilish behavior and go into my mother in laws bathroom and took pills!!!!! It happened that quick with no time to think, no time to argue with myself, i had lost complete control over myself, and as i took the pills and too many at that, i watched the clock i know 20-30 minutes and i will feel bliss, NOPE, i took to many and got so sick, puked my guts up, fainted, lied to my family that i just got sick, what a mess. I never enjoyed the high, it made me sick, and i needed to feel that sick and scared in order for me to be where i am today. You have to prepare yourself of that temptation, it can come at any time and when we least expect it, hence aftercare is so important.
What a beautiful story. So warm and uplifting.
I hope I find that there. I don't know whether to go to NA or AA.
I think AA has a much larger group here. There were alot of people.
Maybe the smaller group would be better for me. I just don't know.
I was a HOT mess! LOL. I think if Pat took that step she would start walking on the other side! It took everything
in me to go to that first meeting! I just feel that if Pat took that first step-well the rest will be history. Im glad you are calling a addiction counselor,,,don't ignore that depression. I know its "gone" now but its still in there and that is what kept me sick for so long. W/D may bring the depression back-you know how that works. I know its repeatative aftercare aftercare aftercare...but by taking that step it changed my life. I cant stress it enough. I came to the forum in 2009 thinking Ill quit the pills and all move on! Ha,,Nope.
Sometime All I do is sit there and cry at NA. But I know I am where I need to be.
Pat-You know you can do this! I have all the faith in the world that you can! I am looking forward to reading your progress updates!! Today is a good day for you! Its the rest of your life!! ((((hugs))))~Bkitty
I know. I have had 10 days clean and 2 weeks clean and then 3 days or 4 days or 5 days. I have gone thru these withdrawals so many times I am becoming an expert on them.
It is so easy to relapse, way too easy if you are exposed to them and I can remember after 2 weeks taking them and feeling sick. It didn't stop me though.
I want to do it the right way this time and be open minded to what I have to do. I know you are all right. I am very scared of it but I know you are right. ImDone is right I have to be brave and those words are giving me the courage to do this.
Right now it is taking all my strength to get up and go to the lady's room.
I have to hang onto bed posts and walls to get there.
Did you ever consider rehab? I do not want to scare you, i remember when bama first told me, Dana i think you need rehab, i freaked out, i was scared $h!t, but it was what i needed and all my friends on here pushed me, and i hated to hear it, but it was what i needed. Just think about all you options, you cant do it your way anymore, its has not been working, you have to dive into this head on. I know the shame in admitting your addiction, i still have the shame but really who gives a rip what the others think, we have an illness and need help and the "brave" thing to do is reach out and ask. Like i mentioned to you before its time to put on your armor vest!!!
I would LOVE to go to rehab. I watch intervention and wish it was me they were doing the intervention on. I wish someone would swoop me up and take me there.
I just can't go away for 90 days right now. I have too many obligations that I absolutley HAVE to deal with and ImDone is right again, I don't feel up to it but I have to. I would come back to a house with the power cut off and the pipes burst from freezing.
Well the addiction counselor will know about the rehabs. He is who I have to see if I wanted to go to rehab and they have all different ones all over the province. Different amount of days etc.
I will find out when I call or when I see him if they have 30 days ones.
That is doable. I would LOVE that. Great Idea.
Right. Dana has a good suggestion.. 30 days compared to the rest of your life? Honestly, pat, there is no way you could do that? I'm not sure I fully understand the urgency behind selling your home. And like I mentioned earlier, you have no guarantees it will sell in two months. What's another month of your time to be well for the REST of your life? Please, give that some real thought.
Maybe you could rent your home for the time you're away? Any family connections/friends (trustworthy) who could maintain your home for you while you're away?
Yeah I think I could find someone. I really worry about burst pipes in the winter as it has happened several times. I have to leave the water running when it gets too cold. I don't know for sure if I could find someone with a brain to do that lol.
I have gone to my mother's for Christmas and had someone stay here until I got back. Came home to frozen pipes in the tenant's apt and when they thawed they burst. Water pouring out all over everything. What a disaster.
I am definitely thinking about this and would love it.
The program that I attended was called and Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). I went to the place from 8-12p Mon-Fri then went to NA afterwards like in the evenings. I was able to stay at home. Maybe they will have something like that?
We got drugged tested the first thing in the morning every day. I also took FMLA from work to attend. Some people worked in the afternoon's but we had to complete so many meetings in 90 days & attend seminar's. I liked having the freedom to stay at home in my own bed and things. I was lucky that I live in a rural area and the main hosp was 60 miles away (right next to my moms house actually-LOL). It was also covered by my insurance. I called the EAP and that's how I was referred/learned about all this. But it was very intensive believe it or not. Even though I didn't, I did feel like I lived there.
I'm glad your opening up pat. I bet you've got so much going on you don't know where to start. When I first took my first steps towards recovery I thought everything was going to fall into place in a week or two. Ha! The detox ain't nothing compared to the emotional work I've had to do. The second time I went to rehab. I was just like you. I wanted to get clean. I can get clean. Its stayimg clean that's the hard part. I was so used to taking a pill to cover up all my emotions I was pathetic. I didn't know how to process emotions. Eight years of pill popping madr me forget how to even process an emotion. Counclling helped me. Its my safe place to say all the things I was thinking yet couldn't say them. I was filled up with resentment towards life. I was dealt some hard cards in life. And my money problems were driving me insanr. I owed so much money I felt like I was on the titanic. and what an awful feeling. I wanted to just escape. heck I thought about moving cross country for a fresh start. sell egerything and move. but is that the correct answer?? all my life I ran. . I had to and still need to learn to stand my ground.
Recovery is a lot more than getting clean and staying clean. Its learning the correct way to live.
Other than money. is there another reason you want to sell your house so fast??
My counsler told me no life changing desiosions for three months. he really meant six. but addicts don't have patience.
Slow down pat. please slow down. right now your brain is all twisted up and can't think straight.
I almost tore my family apart with a devoirce. and I've been with j for 22 years.
What I'm trying to say is when were in the easly stages of recovery were lookimg for a fast answer. we aren't ready to turn our world upside down like that. we need familair around us. we need stablility. were voulnable.
Well, hello Sam I Am!! I take it you do not like Green Eggs and Ham? LOL! Dr. Seuss should have written books for addicts!
I can't add any more to what has been said! Just take a step, or steps forward every day! Some days just teeny weeny steps, other days big steps... Just keep moving in the right direction! Try not to get overwhelmed! For me, that was when I had the worst setbacks! Every time I let myself get overwhelmed, I failed! Miserably! Tackle one thing at a time! I am a huge list maker! I make one every day, and I cross off at least one accomplishment!
I'm sure this sounds stupid, and trivial, but, it was the only way I could bring myself through! Take care, sweetie! Everyone is pulling for you!
Pat I have to agree with Bama. Slow down if you can. The only thing that you should be focusing on right now is sobriety. I too was told not to make and life changing decisions esp during the first 6months-year. When you quit the pills-ya that's the easy peasy part of all this. Its learning to live a different way that you have to concentrate on. Developing healthy coping mechanisms,,etc. Its learned behavior and that takes time and patience to develop. It doesn't happen overnight that's for sure. Plus I know it seemed like God had a lot of tests for me to pass! Anything and everything seemed to go wrong in the beginning and I was sure tested! Not saying that will happen to you-but it seemed like I had several walls to climb before I set sail towards sobriety and recovery. I thank God that I was in a program I don't know how I woulda made it!.
Rehab gives you a safe place to slow down and think. It allows us to open up where no one can judge you. It also starts us socializing sober. It gets us talking about goals and such. It gives us a time out while our brains and body adjusts.
Its so so scarey. To take that first step. Its a huge step. Plus everyone there is just like us.
Plus it opens you up to the steps. The process. All of it is so positive for us. We need it. More than we will ever admitt. I can't say enough good things about rehab.
If you feel strong today. In 30 days at rehab you'll feel more balanced. Strength is great. Balanced is power
I seriously hope it can happen. I know there is nothing close to here so I would have to go away but I would love it.
I am so ready to heal all these hurts. I know they are still open and I have a ton of issues to deal with.
I have anger, hurt issues.
I have an ex best friend who stole me job while I was off on leave when my husband was dying who I have twice walked by on the streets and not spoken too. She was all excited to see me and I just walked by her.
I hate that I am feeling that way but I can't forgive her. She was my best friend and she didn't even call when my sister died.
OK I get that. I totally get that given today's economic climate, totally get it.
Now, though, if you look hard enough, I'm going to bet you could find someone trustworthy who would care for your home while you're gone so you wouldn't need to worry about that. Think about it, we were all pretty resourceful when it came to getting our DOC weren't we? We need to learn to apply those resource skills somewhere else, for something that's good for us, healthy for us. Positive for us.
Don't you think? See, it's all those "little" decisions we make every day that truly defines who we are. We can all do the right thing when called upon in any crisis moment.. but those day-to-day decisions we have to make when they aren't be judged/scrutinzed by others? Those are the moments that count. And make us who we are.
We all have issues. And hurts and anger. And when were self medicating away our feelings were covering up these issues. And when were done self medicating ourselves those hurts and angers come out.
Its my observation all addicts are running away from something negative. And we have to stop running. But how?? That's the 64,000 dollar question we can't answer on our own that's why we need aftercare. We need help being shown the right way.
Were also control freaks. And we let ourselves get completely out of control. And we know deep down inside we need our control back. Rehab counselling meetings will show you the way. I promise.and the best thing is they are tried and true.
Yeah I get it. I was amazing in crisis mode when my husband got sick and was in the hospital. Everyone said they wanted me to be the one to look after them if they ever got sick. They said how strong I was. Pfffft.
Now I can barely make a decision.
I have to get my head right. It just spins when I have to make a decision.
Believe me pat, I totally get what you're talking about. When my Mom was sick, in a nursing home with Alzheimer's and other issues, all everyone could talk about was how great is SHE for handling all of this so well.. keeping family informed... staying on top of her Mom's care... staying connected and doing all the work for us!! ... Oh believe me, I remember. And if this were going on today, NO ONE would be talking about me like that, that's for sure. They'd all be helping in every way possible and I would be admitting I needed that help. But let's face it, my ego was fed during those days, thinking "wow, maybe I CAN handle all of this like they say I can".... only it was the drugs that kept me going, not ME. I ran on them for as long as I could until they took me under. So far under....
Find a rehab. Make the call. Schedule a date to check in. And get ON with your life. You deserve happiness. Whether you believe that or not right now, you do. So take that time to find out for yourself, okay?
OMG, a dealer just called. He hasn't called in weeks. Why now?
I was a coward and didn't answer the phone and tell him I'm done. He left a message and I haven't checked it but I will now.
Okay all he said was give me a shout if you want, meaning if I want percs. He won't harass me. He always calls me first when he gets them because they are hard to get. He will have no trouble selling them elsewhere or so he always said.
It didn't even produce cravings. Just scared me a little. It felt intrusive.
I just want to be left alone.
The first "no" is always the hardest... just do it, pat, f him... he couldn't care less if you're well, he only cares how much money you have in your pocket.. . walk away from this pat, this is BAD for you... move on............... you're better than this but YOU have to believe that first for it to matter.. just DO it and say NO. Oh, and then block that no...
First off i want to say that i am very proud of you for listening to all of us and absorbing all the information that you are receiving. I just love the fact that you are open to go to rehab, that is a major step in the right direction. It's time Pat for you to take charge of your life and tomorrow is they day that you make calls and inquire about all of this, put as much effort into your sobriety that you did for your DOC and you will be amazed. Also, please change your number!!!! Way too many people (bad people) have it and one day you will be weak and you will receive a call and then what? I am not being harsh or snotty here Pat, i just want to see you succeed and i know you want it, and you are almost there. I remember so vividly when i was in your shoes 6 months ago, and i know how scared i was, and everyone kept pushing me, like we are doing for you, and PAt i am forever thankful for that push, i would never be were i am today without my friends on here.
You aren't harsh at all. I am trying to keep an open mind and do everything I can to stay clean. I have had 5 years of hell and a wasted life and I have a lot of relationships to repair.
Yesterday was such an amazing feeling when my son and sisters called. I want that back and I want to be a part of my family again.
I don't have a cell phone only a land line and I can't change my number.
I would love to stop the damn collectors from callings.
He won't call again.
I feel very safe.
I Just sat here and read thru all the advice you have bben given Pat and this forum is amazing place. You are one of the reasons for this You helped talk to me when i was going thru my Physical WD and I know you can do this lady.
I am proud of you for telling connection NO and You said he wont call back Thats great . Someone gave you a suggestion about changing your phone # Very Good advice I Hope you do it my friend. There are 3 things that I feel are very important to staying clean #1 Eliminate Pill source Its a MUST #2 Be honest with your friend and Loved ones get support spill your guts tell them you are an addict and need help #3 AFTERCARE- I Go to group meetings tried other things wasnt a fit But my group meetings are with 4 of us and w/o this important step I am not sure I would be be clean .
and remember baby steps Please dont over load yourself with a Huge to do list I Know getting a house ready to sell is a huge JOB One step at a time Bkitty said the same Slow down you #1 priority has to be getting clean and sober first off.
Get healthy make positive changes to your life each day Pick a small task a chore around the house and complete it. Set yourself up for success
Yaaaay! You did great! : ) I'm so proud of you. Just don't forget how badly you want to stay clean, and keep that going. You definitely have to make your new clean life a priority. Not just "a" priority......THE priority. It's too much to worry with everything in our lives while we detox. Just worry with getting and staying clean now, and do whatever needs to be done to achieve that! Once you have done that then you can start dealing with one thing at a time!
Remember......one day (or minute) at a time! One problem at a time. Right now, your problem is getting clean. To heck with the rest! (for now!)
Very true LeaAnn, I just have a lot of things and people pressuring me to sell my house right now so I have to worry about that. It's my fault I should have done this sooner instead of waiting until things got this bad.
Pat the house can wait, your health can not. First and for most take care of you first, then slowly take on each task that you may have. Your number one priarity should be YOU!!!!! You are doing great Pat i am so freaking proud of you my friend!!!! Hugs xo
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