Intensive care update (Gixer) now drug free!!!

To be completely franc I've just been to hell and back.  It was the kind of hell I thought I would never return from. It was a dark and truly terrifying place to be in. I am utterly stunned at the intensity of pain and sheer terror that gripped me so tightly that night. The withdrawals from such a high dose were terrifying, and nearly killed me. I am not exaggerating when I say this, I was like a wild animal completely uncontrollable. I have very little memory of what happened that night other than tiny fragments. Somehow someway I was dragged back from the darkest place I have ever known and awoke to find a tube down my thoat and a dozen lines in my veins keeping me alive. Coming from hell I then walked among angels because the ITU staff were amazing, I am completely lost for words when trying to explain how incredible they all are. They are a collective breed apart with a commonality of pure genius and pure love.  I will never forget those incredible people, I am here now because of them, my deepest love and respect goes out to them all.

Guys I had to do it, the life I was living at that time was no life at all for either me or my wonderful amazing and beautiful family.  I took a leap of faith and trusted God to bring me back, and I guess he did.  I'm certainly not out of the woods yet but there is light at the end of a very long tunnel.  The guilt is crushing me now though; to have dragged my family through this awful experience feels unforgivable.  My daughter hasn't slept for a week and my wife looks like absolute hell.  I feel rotten to the core, the guilt I feel is eating me alive but I just had to do it.  I am now racked with pain and I can't walk more than a few paces without having to stop and rest, but deep down inside I feel free. I awoke this morning for the first time without that terrible craving for oxyContin.  For the first time in three years I felt alive, and completely free. If I could run I would and run I would to the ends of the earth shouting at the top of my voice that I am free at last!  Alas I can’t but in my mind I already have.  I am filled with love for the first time in years.  When I got out of hospital One of the first things I did was look at the thread my wife had set up regarding me.  I was stunned that so many people had responded.  It had over 50 entries!!  Let me tell you it kept my wife going and for that you will have my eternal gratitude.  I cried as I am now when I read the messages of hope prayers and love. We are thousands of miles apart and yet the distance means nothing because your messages were right here right now.  Please believe me when I say that you have all done so much to help this small family get through this awful ugly experience.  How can I ever repay your incredible kindness.  All I can do from here so very far away is pray so very hard for you all, give you my love and support through your own nightmares.  I am now free but I have a wealth of experience that I will so gladly share with anybody who will listen.  Peace love and prayers to you all, you are all very special people and we will never forget what you have all done, thank you all.
Peace out
Gixer

[LIZZIE LOU]

soooooooooo glad you are doing better :)

it's stories like these that remind us of how drugs totally and completely ravish one's body.  we usually say that the withdrawal process is easy compared to the recovery process...but in your case we might have to make an exception ! ! !

hope you bounce back soon...

[10356]

welcome back Gixer... I'm so happy for you and your family.. I know how long and hard you looked for help.. It was your courage and conviction that got the ball rolling.. Your wife's devotion and love.. I'm just glad you are on this side of life :) warmly lesa

[scaredmom330]

welcome back, I am so glad you are ok and can tell your story to others..you are an inspiration to the ones following you..take care my friend, love that wife of your, she is amazing...

[troubleinohio]

Im so glad you are home now and feeling so well emotionally now!! I can tell a huge change in you already. Im so happy for you!!! Take care and remember to keep working on your problems so you dont ever fall back into that pit of hell ever again. xo xo

[heather_r]

Glad you are out and doing better. Keep it up and take care of yourself. BEst of luck.

[Ronnie152]

Well, hope you and your wife slept last night! Miles apart or right next door a kind word knows no distance. I am glad we were all here to help your wife through this. I am glad you are ok. I wish you all the best of luck on your new life. Enjoy!

[dominosarah]

I am so glad to hear from you.  With the love of your amazing wife and daughter and your will to keep fighting this the possibilities are endless for you.  Now it is time to start living and enjoying the finest things in life........You being clean and the love that is surrounding you.  You all make one he!! of a team!!!!!   Give yourself time to heal now........keep us posted on how you are doing!!!!  Tell your wife not to be stranger either!!!        sara

[CR_ST_NA]

so glad you are home and feeling better. as i read your wife's post when you were in the hospital i was filled with empathy for you. luckily the ambulance got to you and you are alive! this disease is a killer, but it did not kill you! God must have an amazing plan for you! you and your family are in our prayers. God bless. christina

[morganave]

Glad to hear that you are home and doing better.  Remember when you look at your wife to tell her that you love her.  Tell your kids that you love them to and that even grownups make mistakes.  Your daughter will still love you no matter what, you are in her eyes a very special man.  The best way to prove to them that you love them is to keep on keeping on.  Let you wife know when you are feeling low, and when the cravings are getting the best of you.  That is when you will need them the most, be honest with her, I am sure she will go to the end of the earth with you and for you as long as you tell her the truth.
Good luck and God Speed

[kim715]

So happy to hear that you are home and doing better.As I read your post I was just filled with emotion.To know where you've been and where you've come back from,is truly a miracle.God has a plan for you my friend and I believe you are going to touch a lot of lives here by sharing your experience.I wish nothing but the very best for you and your family...Peace...Kim

[SophieShine]

Hey there,
Welcome back
Glad to see you're posting again, I was on Karen's post! me duh. lol
Well you can be happy, now my eyes are wet!!!
Soooo happy for you guys.
Keep up the good work.
big hugs to you and Karen and you daughter.

[SophieShine]

Hey there,
Welcome back
Glad to see you're posting again, I was on Karen's post! me duh. lol
Well you can be happy, now my eyes are wet!!!
Soooo happy for you guys.
Keep up the good work.
big hugs to you, Karen and you daughter.