Intervention

As most of you all know, my daughter is addicted to opiates and using the needle. What my question is is how do you do an intervention?? What is the best  method and how do I aproach the subject. I know she has to go on her own, but it is out of control and I am trying to figure out a way to push her possibly over the edge? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and God Bless!

[IBKleen]

Hi,

You cannot push her over the edge. She has to find that cliff by herself. Intervention is tough business and is not guaranteed. I always suggest that you have a professional present for the actual intervention (or meetings) and a plan for treatment to follow.

If you attempt this without professional help it could be dangerous. Addicts do not take well to confrontation as I am sure you know. She could become physical or she could just stomp out, or both.

Please do not attempt this unless you research it thoroughly.

I will say a prayer that she finds her way.

[islandcat]

My opinion, I dont believe you will succeed doing an intervention if she is not into it 100 per cent. I tried it with my son and surprise he did not stay and is back to where he was. I would move heaven and earth for him if he came to me and said I dont want to do oxys anymore, I need help. My only choice after 3 years is to detach. I will not be sucked into enabling and I cant see him as it only breaks my heart. I dont know your full story but if you are enabling at all taking that away may do something. My son has od'ed twice so now I play the waiting game, will he change or ........ I do sneak on facebook just to see if he is still around. I miss him each and every day, my old son that is not the new one. Be strong and there is decisions you can make. I would like to talk more.

[Teetime4u]

Thank you for you reply. I am down to the final stages, and basically I am grasping at anything to save her. I know she is so far into her addiction that I dont see her coming out anytime soon, unless its the enevitable, which will eventually happen. She has a child and I am raising her. So I dont know what to do. If it was just her and not the child I would of cut ties long ago. Its horrible to say the least. My hands are tied and I am mentally exhausted. But I know i need to let her hit rock bottom and hope it will open her eyes. But wow is it hard. How did you do it???

[IBKleen]

Hi,

You cannot push her over the edge. She has to find that cliff by herself. Intervention is tough business and is not guaranteed. I always suggest that you have a professional present for the actual intervention (or meetings) and a plan for treatment to follow.

If you attempt this without professional help it could be dangerous. Addicts do not take well to confrontation as I am sure you know. She could become physical or she could just stomp out, or both.

Please do not attempt this unless you research it thoroughly.

I will say a prayer that she finds her way.

[MZLAUREL]

A young man close to me, had to destroy every relationship he had, before he admitted the problem, and got help. Noone would talk to him. I took the day off from work, and took him to rehab.
He got clean.
He got therapy for the  problems that brought him to need to be numb. He hoisted himself up, when he realized he was going to die. He now has his own landscaping business, and married a lovely wife , and they have a nice home. His wife is my daughter. She hid her ongoing support for him, from me after I told her to leave him to his recovery. (I worded it something like... I'll kill him If you don't leave him alone...)
I accepted him as my son Last spring.
I guess I would say that expession of HONEST LOVE AND CONCERN and the willingness to help, is the best anyone can do. It gives them a glimmer to remember when they hit bottom. A light to follow in the storm.

[Teetime4u]

Thank you for advice, I have considered that too and I agree with you. I just am so fustrated with it all and actually just plain angry. Her addiction has her good. She is not even remotely the child I raised, and with her reaction I know it will be bad, cause she has always been a brat and you add addiction on top and you have a really bad combo. Thank you again and God bless.

[el_em_en_oh]

You need to back off her... you don't know her story, and I'm not going to stand by and watch you do what you do best (make her feel bad about herself).

She came here for support. She very offhandidly called her daughter a brat, which she has every right to do as it's HER daughter, and you jumped her.

Back off MZLAUREL.

Teetime4u- there's no need to explain yourself to MZLAUREL. She's a bit challenged.

[el_em_en_oh]

Dude, MZLAUREL... where do you get this stuff? Back off her. She came here for advice on an Intervention, not a class on Parenting.

[el_em_en_oh]

Try not to get too worked up over what MZLAUREL said. If she's messaging you offline (private messages), be sure and let one of the admin's know. They'll jump her.

As for your 'Intervention' situation, IBKLeen said it... e sure you have a professional present. It's pretty difficult to stage an intervention, so professional help is always advised.

Do you think your daughter is ready to be done with the pills (or whatever it is that she's doing)?

[MZLAUREL]

I am suggesting that she is seeking attention.
You said you gave her everyTHING... STUFF.
I am not suggesting you are a bad parent. I am suggesting that she may be more sensitive than you think.
That she needed more than you realized. Or that what she truely needed, she did not get.
If you give a child something they have a tantrum about, you are not teaching them the difference between want and need.
And the thing they are having a fit to have, is not what they need. They need boundaries.
I have a daughter that is 25. She does not want to be my best friend. I don't want to be hers. I am her Mom. I love her more than life itself.
I was willing to go to prison for life, to protect my girl, and 20 years of my life parenting her, too.
My point is, all the STUFF she ever had, was no replacement for "NO". And my daughter expressed that to me.

[islandcat]

you know mxlaurel we are not talking about a 6 year old here. It is impossible to win with an addict. Please read:
   What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.


My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.


My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.


And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.


Stop being surprised.


I am an addict. And that's what addicts do

[el_em_en_oh]

MZLAUREL:
Once again, you're talking about parenting. We're not talking about a 'normal' child here. We're talking about an ADDICT. All parenting skills go out the window when you're dealing with an addict. You may have a 25-year old daughter, but unless she's an addict (and you just haven't told us about that yet), then I suggest you stop trying to hand out advice.

[Teetime4u]

I will definately not jump the gun to soon, with an intervention. She tells me she wants to get clean, usually while she is trying to get money off me or enroute to her dealer. So right now I honestly think it is mostly smoke. She is using pills and shooting them up. So she is very far into her addiction. She has lied stolen lost all jobs she had blah blah blah. Its really bad. Thank You.
Islandcat,
   Thanks for sharing that saying, It is so true in every sense of the word. I am living it right now with my daughter. Thank You.

[el_em_en_oh]

If you're enabling her in any way, that has to stop, first and foremost. Cut her off at the nutz and stop giving her anything or doing anything for her that'll keep her in her addiction. I know it's easier said than done, but it's something you're going to have to do.

[MZLAUREL]

So
LMNO
You just said what I said.... She needs boundaries. But she still needs appropriate love and attention.
If she asks for something she can't have say NO... But you can have a free trip to a spa rehab.... Boundaries.

[Teetime4u]

I have basically done all that. I think I need to get even alittle hard core with it. She is relentless. I just hope she wakes up before its too late.

[MZLAUREL]

The Idea:
YOU CAN'T HAVE THE DESTUCTIVE THING YOU WANT...
BUT I WILL MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH TO GET YOU WHAT YOU NEED.
She may just need a Rehab nurse, not a Mom.

[el_em_en_oh]

Sometimes a 'rock bottom' has to be reached before you can help someone. I know that's how it was for me, and I feel quite sure that's the way it was for a lot of folks here.

There are different 'rock bottoms', and not all are near-death experiences or anything that sever. Different people have different bottoms. Some have what are called 'high bottoms', but everyone will tell you the same thing... a rock-bottom is a rock-bottom, and different for everyone.

Maybe she just hasn't gotten to hers yet. All you can hope for is that it's a high-bottom and not a near-death, as a lot of folks here have had.

[dominosarah]

UNTIL her daughter is ready to put down the drugs there is NOTHING that she or anyone else can do so trying to find out what her daughter lacked isnt going to happen right now.  Only in recovery will this happen.  I understand you are trying to help but we are dealing with a person who is using and that is a whole different ballgame, something that most of us know a great deal about as we ARE recovering addicts.  I am very proud of the progress Teetime has achieved here.  Her daughter is a very lucky person to have such a loving mother who is willing to go the distance here.           sara

[Teetime4u]

Thanks Sara, Its hard seeing her in this situation for sure. And with winter coming I am worried she is going to ride her addiction into the streets. She is holding on to her apartment by the seat of her pant. And I know I cannot and will not enable her addiction, if she need help into rehab I will be there packing her bags. But other wise what else can I do??!!

[MZLAUREL]

Please pay attention to my message here.
You asked how to get her in rehab.

When she asks for something, offer what she needs:
A TRIP TO REHAB.
That is the only way, other than hitting bottom.
If you are not sitting there saying to her... "YOU NEED TO GO TO REHAB"
Then you are not being truthful.
SAY IT
Being afraid to say it could cost her life.
When you say it... She will know you care, no matter how mad she is at you.
Even an addict was once a child.

[dominosarah]

You are doing all you can for her right now but dont forget YOU.  Make sure you are getting healthy also so when your daughter does decide to clean up you both can make a fresh start.  What else can you do?  Pray and pray some more~~~~

[IBKleen]

My heart breaks for you. I can see how much it is hurting you to see your baby girl like this. I know it is hard but you need to protect yourself. Let your daughter know you are there, but will not enable her. Let's pray she comes around.

I can suggest that you look into Al-Anon for yourself and any other family members. It is a supportive group of people who can share their experiences, strength and hope with you and maybe give you some answers that you desperately need. If you need help finding a group near you, let someone know.

[el_em_en_oh]

I'm proud of you for cutting her off and standing your ground. That' the first step.

Be ready and waiting for when she hits that rock-bottom. Hopefully her rock-bottom won't be all that harsh, but sometimes it takes a hard bottom to wake us up.

Stay strong. We're always here if you need us.

[Teetime4u]

I have mentioned Rehab to her for the past 2 years. Made calls to get her connected to them. got times for na meeting in our town. Beged and pleaded till I can do no more. She knows I care and would go to the end of this earth to help her. But right now her addiction is stronger than any love and until she is ready to take that step there isnt alot I can do. I got on here to see what an intervention consisted of and if people thought it might be a good idea. Thanks.

[Teetime4u]

Thanks Sara I have been doing better with letting go cause I know I cant do no more its in her court now. Yes I am constantly praying for her cause if anyone can do anything it is God.  Thanks and God Bless.
  IBKleen
   I would love to go to alanon but in my area the meeting conflict with my work schedule, so basically this forum has become my alanon. There is so many amazing people on here who has helped me so much. Thanks and God bless

[dominosarah]

Have you checked out surrounding areas?  Maybe that would work.  You are doing much better than when you first got here.  You have gained some strength and that is nice to see.  Are you still talking with the other mom on here?

[el_em_en_oh]

Teetime... I'm sorry MZLAUREL has hijacked your post. Maybe one of the mods/admins will boot her off, as she has nothing constructive to offer and seems to be babbling on about something that has zero to do with your question re: Intervention.

Seriously, she's starting to make my eyes bleed and is not good for my sobriety. I don't think about using pain-killers too often, but right about now, I'm kinda wanting something to take away the pain I get when I read her replies!!!

[bmdad]

Rock bottom is usually the only thing that will get an addict into finally going to rehab.

An addicts family is most often the biggest victims of addictive addiction. Addiction doesn't only affect the the addict. It effects everyone around them. Especially the ones that love them.

I wish it were as easy as you think it is.

[Teetime4u]

No I havnt checked into another town for alanon but I will. As far as  the other mom I have spoke to her acouple times but she is not on much anymore. That is what makes it so hard too. Is the fact that alot of people are addicted in my area but no real voices of family of addicts. If that makes sense. Its like everyone is just hiding and keeping their head down. or just in total denile about their family members problem.

[IBKleen]

Here is a link for a list of meetings in your area. I hope that you will participate. It will help you to heal and the more powerful you are, the more you can help your daughter if she comes to you.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

[bmdad]

Maybe winter coming is a blessing in disguise. As long as she knows rehab is the only option you are willing to help her out with she may have no other choice but to finally make that decision.
Stay strong, stay tough, and continue letting her know how much you love her and will be there for her when she is ready.
There's not anything you can do to get her clean. That choice is up to her and her only.
Have you contacted a professional to talk to about an intervention? They may be able to give you ideas to use or say to persuade her in the right direction.

[Claire_MHModerator]

Hi, folks,

I've removed a bunch of posts in this thread because they focused on issues that were unrelated to the immediate problem at hand.  When there's a crisis, as we have here, the crisis needs to be dealt with; all other possible issues can wait till the needed care is received.  Otherwise, it's like an ER doctor looking at a flatlined patient and musing, "Hmmmm... I wonder if he was a Type A personality... maybe he ate too many fatty foods... do you think he ever got any exercise?... "  instead of yelling "GET THE PADDLES AND CRASH CART!"  

Let's keep things focused here on what needs to be done NOW -- supporting Teetime.  Thanks.  (I hope things get better for you and your daughter, Teetime).

[islandcat]

Be careful when you ask or beg them to go to rehab, depending on whats happening with them they may agree but only to appease you. The last time my son was in the hospital after again getting his head beat in my oldest daughter went and brought him home to her house, she said she could not leave him standing on a street corner all stitched up. I told him its back to the street or rehab. Well he went but only to appease me. He knows the way to rehab now, when he chooses.  teetime4u did you get my message I sent you?

[Teetime4u]

Thanks for your input in this matter. I just want so much for her to wake up. It is sad to see her slowly destroy herself.

[Teetime4u]

I received your message. I sent a reply, its probly your computer, LOL. I will check out that site when I get the chance. And yes my daughter always tells me what I want to hear for sure.

[scaredoutofmymind333]

I just wanted to send a hug to Teetime4u! I am an addict, in recovery, and it breaks my heart to read your posts. When I was active in my using, I really didn't think that I was hurting anyone but myself. I have learned since then that everyone around me was hurting and I truly didn't realize it. I like to believe that it would have made a difference in my using, but honestly, I don't know if it would have. I needed to hit my bottom before I wanted help. My heart is truly breaking for your grandbaby though. Alanon might help you to make things clearer and easier on her...I am sure she doesnt understand why her mommy is like she is. Please continue to post, your posts have helped me to understand more what the people around me were going through. God Bless.

[Teetime4u]

Thanks for your input. It is hard to be on the outside looking in to say the least. Especially when you are defenseless to help or get them help.  Yes my granddaughter is the real victim of all this cause she is the one who doesn't have a mommy!! It breaks my heart daily. I just hope my daughter wakes up before it becomes too late. God bless you on your recovery and fight against this vicious addiction.

[scaredoutofmymind333]

Thank you for your kind words, and wether she knows it or not, your daughter is very lucky to have a Mother like you. I am also lucky, my Mom has been great through my many battles....loving when I needed it, stern when I needed it, and she didn't think twice about giving me a kick in the rear when I needed it too! I hope that your daughter realizes soon what she is missing. I was never able to have children, but I would think that would be the one motivation above anything to get clean. Again, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your grand daughter.