Is intense fear a symptom of withdrawal?

[southernbelle]

I know it may sound silly, but I am in so much fear right now.  I'm so afraid of running out of my pills.  It hurts so bad to withdraw, and I just don't feel like I can function without them anymore.  Has anybody else ever had the intense fear and anxiety that I am having?  I'm so afraid of running out.  When I am without, my willpower is nothing.  I'm scared of it all....scared of this addiction, scared of running out, scared to leave my house each morning without any pills....anybody been there?  If so, what did you do?  I'm still hoping the psychiatrist will help...most of you know the stuff that's been going on for me lately.  I've never felt this bad before.  Maybe I should just go to a doc and "fess up."  Maybe then they can help me taper or something.  UGH!

[shubunkin]

What are you coming off of? All I can do is tell you to stay strong, stay focused, and may the love and peace of God be with you through this. You have alot of people rooting for you!

[Rex1]

Have you considered Buprenex as Bodymechanic suggested? That sounds like the ideal drug for your situtation from I have been reading from him.

Also, have you considered the in patient or out patient concept?

I hate to see you in his much pain. Life is hell standing on the edge of the diving board - I can promise you that. Yes, I did experience intense anxiety, which is all but gone now. Just some lingering back pain which I am struggling with, but working through. Nothing was worse though, than that mental pain - nothing in my entire life compares to it!

It's decision time for you, Belle, IMO. You definitely can't stay in this place for much longer, right?

Seek help from your docs, and try the Bup. or some other detox-assisting drug.

I will continue to pray for you.

God Bless,

Rex

[southernbelle]

couldn't have said it better myself, rex.....it's decision time for me.  i can't go on like this -- something's got to give.  i'll be in touch.  i've got some things to wrap up at the office, and i'll be back in touch.  love to you.  please pray.

[southernbelle]

should i take my chances and go tell a doc what's going on?  should i just go and tell the truth and take my chances? if i go in to a docs office and tell him, what can i expect?  will they lock me away somewhere, or is there a chance they'll help me taper?  guess it all depends.  i'm so scared.  should i go and explain to a doc that i want off and would like to taper?  how should i handle it?  what a way to start the new year....if anybody does pray, please pray for me.  i'm shaking like a leaf.  i'm afraid of everything.

[The Golden Slipper]

WOW!  I read your post this morning and I really related to your struggle.  I know exactly how you are feeling.  I have been there, that horrible fear of being without them and yet knowing that the whole thing is so insane and you just want it to stop.

I agree it is time to take a step either fess up to the doc or go for the detox.  It is a very difficult step to take but you will feel some relief once it has happened. I am a barbituate addict and have been clean since the end of November.  I got to the same point you are talking about.  I was terrified all the time of running out and worrying about how to get more.  I felt like a hamster on a habitrail, it just went on and on. I too feared the withdrawal and was concerned about seizures because barbituate withdrawal can be dangerous.  

I finally fessed up to one doctor (I was getting pills from 5 doctors all of whom didn't know about the others) who put me on a slow taper which I followed and then I went to see an addictionologist who helped me to get off of the pills and put me on a medication to help with anxiety.  It is called neurontin and is widely used with barbituate addiction because it is an anti-seizure med. It has helped me to stay calm.

I still have many days where I have cravings but I try to keep it at one day at a time. I also do attend 2 12-step meetings per week, I know that is not for everyone but I do find it comforting and have met people there who also use pills along with drinking.

There are other programs such as Smart Recovery that do work for alot of people. I also have a counselor who I talk to every week.  

I will be praying for you

Take Care

Golden Slipper

[eslad]

I gotta be honest, southernbelle ~ when I fessed up and was hoping the doc would help me taper, he said flat out NO.  He said he wanted me in a detox, he would not be giving me any more pills and what is more, he would be calling my primary doc (this doc was a specialist that my primary had sent me to) to let him know to not give me anymore either.  I was getting 80% of my pills from these 2 docs, so getting cut off from both of them would put me in a really bad situation.  

I know I dont know you (sorta feel like I do after reading this board for the last several weeks) but I think you need to fess up anyway.   It sounds like you are in a bad place (I know all too well ~ been there, done that ~ doing it again!) and I can tell you from experience it wont get any better.  

It is scary, no doubt.  I feel and know your fear.  But its only gonna get worse.   The sooner you do something to get yourself off for good, the better off you will be.  

If you can swing a 30 day rehab, go for it.   If not, what about a detox with a little rehab ~ about a week to 10 days?  Be creative about why you are gone with your job (like some of the others said on one of your other threads) but please realize this is your LIFE here.   I know how scary the feeling of not being able to function with out those little devils can be ~ that is where I am right now.   I know, I really do.  

Email me if you want: ***@****
Your sister in addiction ~
LA

[1st24]

Hi Southernbelle & everyone.  I woke up at 6:30 this a.m. with the most intense fear and anxiety, my whole body was shaking.  I am still taking narco, 10 mg., about 4-5 a day.  But I was up to 12-15 just 3 days ago, and now I have to taper off to 2 a day, because I'm running out.  I am facing a whole lot of real heavy problems right now, and can't imagine how to get through them without my pills.  Plus I really have pain that regular analgesics won't touch.  I am scared all the time.  I hate this.  I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown.  My husband is having surgery next week, and I feel like a complete disappointment to him, I'm usually so together.  There's no one I can talk to about all this.  We're kind of new where we live, all my friends are far away and have problems of their own.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I feel like every nerve is frayed. HELP!!  I am taking the recipe, have been since October, even though I started taking the pills again, I figured it was a good idea to take all the supplements.  But I need some people to talk with me.  Thank you.

[southernbelle]

stay posted here...we'll be there for each other.  sounds like we are both in the same place.  whoever you are, i love you.  i know there's a better day coming around.  we can get through this.  we'll get through this together.  easy does it, nothing done in a hurry.  i'll post herre on this board with each decision i make.  again, i love you. you are NOT alone.  just keep checking in here for now......LOVE TO EVERYBODY.

[pon]

the fear and anxiety have been experienced by most of us I think...both of running out and of what happens when you try to quit.  I am a beliver in talking to the Dr...but I happen to have a very good primary care Doc I've been going to for 10 years who is both very compassionate and pragmatic.  Unfortunately not all of them are...you have to decide if you feel your Dr will help you.  An honest confession and a frank ask for help usually will stimulate almost any Dr to help a patient who wants to help themselves.

If yopu can go to inpatient detox, if your life situation will allow...do it.  Then you are sure to have the right people you need to help...

I will tell you this...I WAS very scared like you are, but what I was most scared of (in hindsight) was that I would not be able to quit...after I made it through the first 4 days of w/d the fear and anxiety level droped a lot and slowly drifted away...for me by about day 17 completeley.  Your Dr can give you med to help with the anxiety...I didn't use any, so I may have had it worse than I needed to.

prayers,

pon

[pon]

I know what you are feeling and it is terrible.  It is scarey and the anxiety level can be crushing at times or sometimes all the time...add to it whatever else you have in your life and it is incredible...BUT, it can be done.  Lots of us have gone through it, made it, and are free again...you can be too...and you are worth it.

The folks on the board here can probably help you more if you tell us more...why are you stopping the meds when you have chronic severe pain?  how much are you taking?  how long?

Is going to your Dr for help an option?  Wd is tough, but it can be made easier with help from your Dr, the right meds, and most of all by posting here.  By talking here you can know you aren't alone...lots of us have been where you are, lots of folks understand and will help.

prayers,

pon

[Rex1]

I think the most important thing to keep in mind is that you must be working with a specialist.  If you try to deal with this using a general practitioner the odds are much higher that you will get burned.  My experience between my general Dr. and my pain management specialist could not be more night and day.

For one, general practitioners must be seeing like 60 patients and day -- my pain management specialist probably sees 10 if I were to guess.

Secondly, a pain management specialist is just that -- a specialist and by default knows a lot about pain, and in my case the things that surround pain, which were addiction and detox!

Finally, in my humble opinion, I think specialists have a narrower but much more intensive skill set focused around pain, and at least in my experience were just flat out better doctors.  They listened a lot more, they are more sympathetic, it was just like they understood and I have been to three of them over the last three years.  Each and every one of them blew my regular doctor out of water!  I swear I could hear angels singing when I got an appointment with my latest pain management Dr. He partnered with me if you know what I mean.

(WARNING: the BIG DISADVANTAGE is that they dispense medication much more liberally -- you ask for it - you get it.  Don't let that burn you, but also do not let it dissuade you.)

If I were standing in your shoes right now, what I might try doing is the following.  Find out who in your medical group in is either an addictiononlogist or a pain management specialist, and demand that your general Dr. refer you to them. Because you do not want to wait the month it will take for the referral, then call this Dr. and pay for one appointment out-of-pocket- get in to see them - tell them it's an emergency and that the referral paperwork is soon to be completed ("should be any day now"). When you get into see this specialist, lay every single detail out on the table -- everything!

Once into see this specialist, ask him about the buprenex that body mechanic has been talking to us about.  But let this specialist help you decide which detox program is best. Whatever you decide, we will be here.

Rex

[Rex1]

One other idea - have you thought about devoting 5-8 days of time to just you if possible, and just quitting - biting the bullet.

I know the pain you have been in the last month. Would cold turkey be much worse? I mean, on a pain threshold chart scale of 1 to 100, is there really a big difference between 87 and 91 ?

God's Grace to you...

Rex

[mrrstracy]

The only way of effectively ending an addictive behavior is to stop it. Anything less will just aggravate the situation. But of course I will neither be able to accept nor accomplish this simple reality. All the pieces of the circle of attachment have reinforced my addictive behavior, making me repeat it. And with each repitition, my learning has become more deeply ingrained. Even when I consciously try to stop using the drugs, my brain is consciously learning it better and seeking it more. My motivations are truly mixed, and I am fully at war with myself. My addiction has become like quicksand, the more I struggle, and try to use my willpower, the more stuck I become. All the mind tricks and self-deception now comes in to play. Rationalizing, denials, and the seductiveness of "I can handle just 1".
My self-esteem crumbles with each attempt to "QUIT" and I sense how truly out of control I am. I am in the clutches of the enemy, and the enemy is clearly myself. But after 20 years of opiates,herion,cocaine,alcohol. etc. There is deliverance, but it's not found in a bottle, or a doctor. It's found deep inside your soul and from the help that only comes from above!
All you need to do is ask.

Tracy

[Rex1]

Second what pon said. Hang in there, you know you are doing the right thing because it is getting harder.

From my experience though, you have to know when that window opens to go cold turkey. If you feel a little better for the most part of a day, try it, go for it.

Then at least you will still have some meds if it gets way to hard. I got myself to .5 tablets of Norco 3x daily for about a week, then cut the cord.

I am at day 35 now, back still hurts a little, but let me tell you and everyone else here - I am thinking of changing my post name to "Soaring". I mean, I have "me" back as do the others in my life.

What is sad is that I think I am finally getting the answer to this 3 year old question - "Do I have real legitmate pain" or "Is it the cravings for drugs that is causing pain?"

Take a guess. The latter - I am a drug addict...and I have been a wimp too, very unlike me. Well I feel like I have taken out a big, thick heavy club, and with strength that only comes from God and the good folks here, beat the living **** out out of thos Norcos and my habit.

So I am clean now, just for today....but a single pill could send me back, and I just aint goin this time!

God's Grace to you...let us know if we can help.

LIFE IS LIGHT YEARS BETTER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL FOLKS!!!!! You can do it with God's help, and this forum!

Jan 1st is two days away. Punch it!

Rex

[Rex1]

God truly can work miracles.

Rex

[1st24]

Thank you, Southernbelle and Pon.  I feel better knowing you can relate and maybe we can help each other.  I had a back injury years ago, and partial knee replacement over a year ago.  Well, my knee still hurts and my doctor now says I need a total knee replacement.  And my back, which was doing great for years has started hurting in the last 2 months, as bad or worse than my knee.  I have so many duties to fulfill every day, especially after my husband has foot surgery next Wednesday.  He'll be on crutches for 2 months, and I'll have to walk our dog 2 times a day, shop, clean etc., plus run our business, at least for the first couple of weeks, when he'll be out of town recovering.  If I were able to take the amount of pills I was taking, I could get through this.  You know how that is.  It is a mental addiction as well as helping my pain.  Until 3 days ago I was taking between 10 and 12 narcos a day.  That's between 100 and 120 mgs. Now I'm trying to taper to 2-3 a day, which is next to impossible for me to function.  I'm doing one thing I hardly ever do.  I'm smoking some weed.  Not real strong, just some good Mex.  It's helping the overall feeling.  I know I'd never get addicted to that.  I've been able to smoke all I want anytinme, and never do.  Just not my thing.  As a matter of fact, I've never had a problem with alcohol or any other drug as far as not being able to stop.  Even quit cigarettes very easily.  But this is way different.  I feel like "How did I ever do everything before and how does everyone else?"  It seems to give me the energy I need to get through my life, and that I can't without them.

[1st24]

I can't do this.  I can't taper.  I just keep taking them.  What am I going to do?  I do hurt, but I also want to stop the other pain of facing reality.  Too much reality.  I feel as though I must be having a nervous breakdown.  I'm caught in this trap and real life has to go on, especially now that my husband is having this surgery.  There's so much to prepare for, as it's out of town, a 5 hour drive.  Staying someplace very uncomfortable sleeping conditions, worrying about even more back pain.  And from Jan 8 on, it's me who has to do everything, and I'll be out of pills by the 10th, if I'm lucky they'll last that long.  Can't get more.  HELP!! I know I should just cold turkey from now till his surgery, but I don't think I can.  I'm too depressed already, that might send me over to suicidal thinking.  This is the only outlet I have.  Can't talk to anyone else.

[suzieneedshelp]

Hey u!  Do you have a relative or a friend who could hold the drugs for u and dole them out so you wont take more?  I can't taper either.  Few of us addicts can. DO not be har d on yourself.  but.. if you have pain.. you need relief too!  So..do not punnish yourself and get the pain meds you need.  but try and get help to keep control of the amount u take until you get your surgery or some kinda relief from the pain.
Best Wishs Suzie.
Keep postin your honesty!

[hyjack]

I would suggest seeing an Addictionologist.  These specialist deal with addiction only.  My experience with pain management doctors was the oppostite. They prescribed more.  I needed less.

I sought an addictionologist with full intentions of detoxing impatient.  Instead, he put me on buprenorphine.  It's not readily available everywhere, but it's worth a few phone calls.  I am taking it for pain maintenance, but I know some docs use it for detox.  It works very well for me, with a combination of L-tyrosine and B vitamins.  

My life completely changed after I sought his opinion.  They know what addiction is, and you don't have to spill your guts to someone who knows nothing about addiction.

Good luck, and keep us informed.

[1st24]

Thank you for the words of encouragement.  The only person who could dole them out is my husband.  We've done it before.  He doesn't hide them good eough, and each time I've found them and snuck them.  Of course I'd tell him later, he'd only find out for himself.  And now he's having surgery, so I'm pretty much on my own.  I think that's the main reason my anxiety level is so ultra high right now.  The one person who can help me is going to need my strength and help for 2 months, and I'm so scared I can taste it.  I feel so completely selfish and all the other negative things one can put on oneself.  It's all heightened right now by these circumstances.

[eslad]

Please dont anyone feel bad about not being able to taper off.  There was no way I could.  If I had them, I took enough to keep myself high, period.   The only way I taped down the Ultram was to have my husband keep control of them.  

1st24 ~ I can see your problem with your DH have surgery.  It will be all up to you to do everything ~ not exactly a time to go cold turkey.   Is there any family/friends you trust enough to let them in on this?  Would/could they help?   I dont know ~ I feel so helpless for you :-(   And like I said before, I know and feel all your pain.  I feel very close to you, not even knowing your name or having having ever seen your face.   I'm here for you as much as I can be.  Write me anytime.
LA (otherwise known as Lee Ann ~ addict)

[teeitup]

Hang tough ladies, maybe you've read some of my post. I have a long term health problem that requires pain meds. and I love to get high, great combination huh!. I've found that if I bring 2 or 4 with me to work or where ever I'll take them so now I bring 1.

I cleaned out all my stash locations and just try and live by the motto "less today than yesterday" if I wimp out and take extra I just try and get back on track without beating myself up. There is no easy out, keep posting, stay busy and we'll all make it together. This is a lifetime battle, but we can make it.
Feel free to email me @ ***@****. If you have a Doc. you can trust tell them and anyone else you can trust, this is not something to be done alone!

teeitup!

[1st24]

I feel as though I'm in this surreal otherworld, and everything I have to do is like walking through molasses.  Even the smallest chore seems undoable, like running a marathon or something.  I try to do something to keep my mind off taking pills or thinking about that, but nothing is working.  I'm so stressed out by my whole predicament, I feel paralyzed.  The only thing keeping me from doing anything bad is posting my feelings here.  So please keep adding your inputs of experience and good faith, I read them all.  All of it helps me, and I'm sure the rest of you, to know we're not alone.  We all have our private hells to go through, and most of them are of our own making, one way or another, so they are ours to get through, and then? What? How long to feel human again? Not paranoid, small, ashamed, sad, alone, tired, guilty and all the rest.  I feel so far away from the person I really am.  So far away.  Maybe years away.  Maybe lost.

[eslad]

I cant believe it, 1st24 ~ I know exactly what you are describing.  How long till I'm really me?   Will I ever be "normal" again?   Getting along, dealing with life without the help of a drug?  It seems so impossible now.  

1st24 ~ please, I'm begging you ~ dont do anything harmful to yourself.  I'm here for you to call if you need to, want to.  Just email me and I'll give you my number, ok?  PLEASE!  Dont do it!   So many here know what you are going thru and they say there is life beyond the bottles of pills.   I have to believe they are right and you do, too.   Hang on!
Lee Ann

[1st24]

I will not harm myself, mainly because I'm not that selfish.  I do think of it often, too often lately.  But then I think how much my husband loves me, and my dog, too!  And that this has to be temporary, and doing harm could be infinite.  But that doesn't stop the morbid thoughts.  I know it's the fear of facing first the withdrawals, and second, coping with the extremely difficult next 2 months without the norco.  I don't know how I'm going to make it.  That's why those thoughts keep rolling round my brain, even though I know I could never act upon them.  At least I hope not!  Fear is the worst part of all this.  Fear of running out, fear of my pain, fear of withdrawals, fear of depression, and on and on.  Thank you Lee Ann.  Thank you all.  This will help me through, I know it will.  The NA meetings here are a 22 mile round trip, and it's so stormy, the way I feel I don't think I could handle driving in terrible wind & rain.  Maybe when I get back here after my husband's surgery, I could handle driving.  Until then, you guys are it.

[eslad]

If you dont mind, 1st24, could you tell me where you live?  I only ask because you say NA meetings for you are 22 miles round trip and its really rainy, stormy, and windy right now.  

My NA meetings are about that distance and the weather is exactly like that here right now.  

I'm in the North DFW area (Dallas/Ft. Worth for those of you who dont know what DFW is)

Just wondering ~ it would be so weird if you were also in DFW!

I keep thinking I should have my husband drive me to the meeting tonight.   Lord knows I could not do it myself.   No matter what my sponsor said to me or how it made me feel.  That does not mean the group as a whole couldnt help me, right?

I'm glad to hear you say you wont do anything, 1st24.   My nephew hung himself 2 days before Thanksgiving this year.  I cant tell you the utter devastation and pain it left behind.  Many people where shattered by what he did and its such a waste.  Just like all of us, he was special and had special gifts to give the world.  His gifts are gone forever now.   It fills me with such saddness when I think about him and the pain he must have felt.  I would have done anything to help him and to keep him here with us.   But he must have felt like no one could help and like he didnt have any other choice.  

But there are always other choices!  ALWAYS!   There has to be ~ I have to believe that.   There is "normal" life out there for all of us here struggling with addiction ~ There is.  Someone tell me I'm right, please!   Help me keep believing cuz I'm hanging on by a thread here.
Lee Ann  

[southernbelle]

i took the last two of my most recent scrip this afternoon.  i went through 30 since Friday afternoon.  i'm mortified.  i'm so afraid of the withdrawals.  i've got so much going on at work, i don't know how i'm going to do this.  rex, i saw a pain management specialist in the phone book and made an appt. for thursday.  what can i expect from that?  what should i expect?  my neck and back are what give me the most problems.  i'm scared.  1st24, you definitely aren't alone.  i've thought and felt the same way you do.  we are in this together.  i'm starting to panic, so i've got to stay here and stay calm.  rex, if you are checking in, what can i expect from the visit with the pain management specialist?  are they all about the same?  what will he do for me?
love you all.

[pon]

First....you do not have anything to be ashamed of...everyone here is an addict...how we got here, how much we took, what we do to get the drugs, hoarding, stashing...all that doesn't matter...what matters is getting your freedom back...getting free from the slavery to a pill.  

You ask "when will I be me again?"  It is generally different for everyone to some degree, so nobody can really say for sure...but one thing we can say is THAT YOU CAN GET THERE.  Lots of us have...and IT IS WORTH IT...and YOU ARE WORTH IT.  It is not easy, it is not painless, it is very frightening, and it is very hard...but it is your life, your freedom.  Please whatever you do, do not harm yourself over this issue.  All of us addicts do ourselves enough harm by being addicts, do not make yourself pay a price that you and yopur loved ones don't deserve...addiction is hurt enough, you deserve to NOT hurt yourself now.

I don't know if it will help, but I will tell you a quick version of how things went for me...perhaps that will help you see that there is an end...and maybe give you some targets to fasten on that will be times when you may be able to see yourself feeling better...

I am at 109 days clean of hydrocodone and 15 years and 3 days clean of alcohol.  When I quit hydro (I became addicted through pain mgmt, but I became addicted not because of the pain, but because I liked the high)  when I quit I was doing 100mg a day, I went CT...I can't taper.  The first day wasn't that bad early on, but the anxiety started to build as it went...on day 2, the fear and anxiety were worse and the physical wds started days 3 & 4 were the worst for both aspects...at day 5, the anxiety and fear crept back quite a bit and the physical side started letting up...by 7 I was anxious and most of the physical stuff was gone...by 10, no physical stuff...light anxiety puncuated by bad moments & cravings...17 anxiety mostly gone cravings less...28 days me again except for some cravings when under stress.  At 109 days I AM ME AGAIN...I was at about 35...don't know how others fared...but for me 35 days was a small price to pay compared to what I had to lose...my job, my wife, my kids, my farm...my freedom...my life.

You can do this...IT IS REALLY HARD...but it is worth it, and so are you.

prayers,

pon

[1st24]

First of all, southernbelle, you are right.  We are not alone.  The more we sit here and "talk" to each other, the more time passes.  For those of you going through or are about to go through withdrawals, that is a very important thing.  The more we quickly write back our comments to each other, the better, I think.  It's really like being with someone who understands just what we're feeling.  Plus the time goes by more quickly.  It also helps to put our problems in perspective.  Just when you think you're having the worst time, just read some of the trials others are dealing with.  We're all in the same boat - trying to cope with what life is dealing us without medication!!  It's hard enough just dealing with this complicated life of ours, paying bills, meeting obligations, and all, add to that WD's, fear, pain - it's good to know you're all out there.
No, I don't live in DFW area.  Northern CA, near the redwood national forest and the Pacific Ocean.  Beautiful but lonely.  Relatively new to the area.  Most of my close friends are in SF.

[1st24]

Hi - just read your comment and thank you.  I had no idea that in as little as a month or so I could be feeling so much more like my old self.  I thought it would be more like a year or so.  That gives me hope and kind of makes going through withdrawals (when I do) easier.  I know what the first few days are like, as I did it back in October.  But it didn't last long, because my knee and back pain were too great to manage with otc drugs and exercise.  Although I do try to use naprosin and Yoga to augment my pills.  I just want to be able to get through the next 3 weeks - driving 300 miles, husband's surgery, coming home (back 300 miles), taking care of him and the house and our business, etc.  Then I think I could handle cold turkey again.  I don't think I could put him through my agony again a week before he has surgery, or really until he's feeling better.  Is any of this making sense to you?  Or am I just rambling, stream-of-counsciousness is my method right now.  I have so many fears of the future all the time, that I'm just letting whatever wants or needs to come out go through my fingertips to your eyes.  I really feel a connection to many of you.  It's like we're in a circle sharing our innermost stuff.  What a good thing.  I feel very fortunate to have found this site.

[needhelp1]

It has been 7 days since i have taken my last pill and i am already starting to feel much better. At first few days were pretty bad. But thing do get better day by day. Even though it may not seem like that the first few days. Late May i Quit norco after about a 8 month run doing up to 12 a day. after about a week then i started to feel much better. and after about a month pretty normal. And you will feel normal. It is a great feeling to feel whats it like to actually live again. To look foward to doing things not high. i know that the first couple days i thought there was no way i would ever reach that point again. but it DOES happen. And i am confident that everyone WILL reach that point, but it does take time. gradually day to day u will feel better. Just keep it in the back of the mind what u went through to achieve this goal. Becauce i didnt. and i replased in late sept. thinking i could "control and enjoy" my using. Boy was i wrong. i mean i did control and enjoy for probally about 1 second. After that i was back to the old routine. Within a month i was back to the same old pill seeking behavior. I would put a day between taking pills telling myself "since im not taking everyday im not addicted". Boy was i wrong. This last month has been me none stop taking pills. Lie to my fiance about it and everything. i try not to beat my self up over it. i guess i needed to be taught a lesson the hard way. Just be confident and stay on track. Look foward to being "normal" again and not needing pills to feel "normal" cause it will happen and its great. I was very serverly depressed my first detox and i took kava, st. johns wort, and 5htp to help. Which it seemed to. But i also might have been time. After about 4 week i quit taking everything and i felt fine. So here i am 7 days off pills repeating what i had to go through once before. I am confident i can stay off the pill this time and i am confident that everyone out there can to as long as they want it bad enough. Cause it does get better everyday. I have all of u in my thoughts and prays.
A
P.S. If you do quit and think you are better again. Keep checking this site. i think that will help detour replase. Because i think if i would have kept coming back to this sight and helping people it would have never took that 1 pill i thought i could handle.

[1st24]

It's so good to hear of your 7 days sober, and that you are already feeling better.  It makes me want to start now instead of waiting for after my husband's surgery.  If I could get the nerve up to start wd'ing now, I would be of much better use to him than all paranoid of running out and that whole rollercoaster ride of up from the pills, down in the morning until you take enough to just feel able to get through your normal activities, then trying to fight taking more than you need just to feel energized.  Know what I mean?  Been there?  Bet you have.  I have come to hate this way of life, but am so whimpy when it comes to really quitting.  The fear is really big.  And my physical pain is very real.  I'm really mixed up, but am trying to maintain my honesty.  At least this feels good - laying my cards on the table, telling all, not holding back.  Hang in there, 7 days is phenomenal.

[teeitup]

Great post, keep reading and writing. Try warm baths when you can, they really help me for the anxiety and aches, be careful not to stay in to long if you feel weak. If you have real pain as most do here your going to have to decide if you can cope with the pain with no drugs or "use the meds. not "abuse" for the effects that the hydro also brings that entraps us all. I've tried the no meds. concept and I just can't handle the pain, but I also like my well paying job, wife, kids etc. so I'll just have to fight the demons that say just 1 more won't hurt when I don't really need it. Right now I'm back down to 1-2 ES's a day from 6-8 a day. Be strong!

teeitup!

[Rex1]

You could have called me Norco boy, and man did I love them!

But I am here to tell you that it can be done, because with the help of the people here and God, I am 35 days clean, and things are night and day different mentally than when I was on the Norcos.

Since you ladies are right where I was, including the anxiety and depression, i feel compelled to tell you what worked for me. I am somewhat opposite of the rest here - tapering was the ONLY way for me. I built an Excel spreadsheet with the decreasing dosages and promised myself and God that I would stick to it. I did have a few days where I exceeded slightly, but others where I took a little less.  Although it wasn't easy, I constantly looked at the alternative - cold turkey! Yikes!

So I used the fear of taking NO norcos to help me take just 3 per day, then 2 per day, then 1.5 per day (.5 am, .5 lunch, .5 pm). I thought of it this way "I get to take painkillers today". I just made sure every day was less.

The Thomas recipe was of great help although I stopped the Tyrosine, and went with the 5htp.

The most important points to remember, based on my experience, and in order are:

* Pray
* What you are feeling is temporary. It is I promise!
* Each day you will feel a little better, and one day soon, a lot better
* You must have time to devote to your detox - trying to do it in the midst of other things (like your normal life) is a recipe for failure (1st24, if you have all these things like your sig other's surgery coming up, this may not be the time to detox)I was so fortunate to have Thanksgiving and now Christmas break to ease off my normal schedule and devote time to this
* Get your mind off of yourself - books, movies, this forum
* Help others and you help yourself
* Hot baths and hot tubs and hit wraps work wonders

and finally, the most important thing is

* This is not fun, nor do you want it to be.

This sounds wierd, but, the fact that this a painful, somewhat lengthy, frightening time, is....GOOD! Because you will remember the hell you went through and (at least for me) will motivate you to never go back! You can use the above to take the edge off, but it is still a rough ride.

It's all worth it though, as many here like Hippee can attest to.

I will be here (God willing) this week and next to help any of you shoudl you decide to try a detox.

1st24 - Should you run out of medication, I am sure that your doctor would write you some more if you level with him and explain the situation. I am not condoning you stay on the Norco, but...I am also convinced that this may be the worst time ever for you to attempt this. You need LESS going on in your life, not MORE to pull this off, in my humble opinion...

God Grace to you....

Rex

[pon]

You ALL can do it...IF you believe that you ARE worth it...and believe me YOU ARE.

pon 109 days

prayers for you all...you can make it

[flashk]

I had the same anxiety and fear that you have. I am on day 17 of being totally clean from an oxy,hydro,morphine habit of 2 plus years. All I can say is that after about 4 days it gets better. When I started getting that horrible anxiety I took Kava Kava which really helped. I also go to AA meetings and pray which work for me.Reading other peoples stories in this forum helped me immensely All I am saying is I have been there and I know that helpless feeling in the pit of your stomach like you are falling...You can and will get through it.The worst thing for me was to take another pill..It just made me lose ground and go through more emotional pain..I wish you the best and a quicker recovery than you are anticipating
Flash

[1st24]

I guess you're right, except that I can't get any more pills, and I'm going torun out when I'll need them the most.  I don't know what to do.  This is the most scared I've been in my life, I think.  I can get more on Jan 16, but don't have enough to last till then.  Unless I can taper to 2 a day, but it's not even 10 am & I've already taken 1 1/2.  Not a good sign.

[1st24]

I think you are right, rex, this is probably a bad time for me to detox.  I'd be setting myself up for failure, and I definitely don't need that right now.  I feel bad enough about my self already!  The spreadsheet idea is a great one.  I can be very disciplined, so maybe that's worth a try.  Not taking that extra 1 when I really don't need it - that's the kind of self-appraisal I'll need to taper off.  Today my knee pain has been about a 7 on a 1-10 scale.  It feels as though I have a broken leg and the pain is horrific.  I took valerian, smoked a little weed, and put on a knee brace.  I feel a little better, but ended up taking 7 norco's today, when my goal was 4.  Well, hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day, pain-wise, and not once did I take a pill today to feel "higher".  So that's new.  I'm trying alternatives to just popping an opiate.  And none of the alternatives make me feel like I want them for anything but easing pain. I don't crave weed or Valerian or any of the other things I've found to cope with less norco.  Never did like smoking that much, just once in a while.  Besides, it gives me the munchies, and the last thing I need is to get more out of shape!!  Thanks, you guys.  I feel better after this day of sharing and getting good advice and good feelings.  Have a peaceful night.

[theGolden1]

For 1st24 .... What's your hurry? This is important enough to plan ahead for. Do not run out of medication. You know your own body and mind. Your husband needs you now, and you are capable of taking what is necessary to feel "normal" so you can function. When things are stable at home again .... then you can put the focus on getting off the meds. All those thoughts of what you "should" or "shouldn't" be doing, come from guilt. Why must we be ashamed of our pain? These thought patterns are counter productive. It dosen't matter to your dog if you are addicted or not. Right? It dosen't matter to God either. He knows what is in your heart ... take what need to feel good for now, and the show must go on. I hope you can stay in a comfortable hotel (for your back) it's worth the money ... and all will be well ....

Southernbelle .... These doctors make me wanna puke ... really. It's so scary because if we are honest, they cut us off at the knees. In their position, it could cost them their job! That's right.They were treating you .... you are addicted. Bye, bye license. Do not go that route. It's too demeaning. Do what Rex suggested and just go to a new specialist. It would be a bad experience to have one of your doctors treat you like that. I also can see all the panic and urgency you are experiencing.  It's coming from guilt. It's actually not a "right or wrong" issue. These things happen to people. People get addicted. You are not trapped. You will be able to be free of this. The question is "how" .... and it's up to you to chose a plan. I guess I like quoting people .... "We have nothing to fear, but fear itself" .... hang on girl, you have friends in high places .... Goldie

[Rex1]

Call your doc (speak with the doc, not a nurse or recptionist) and explain that the current dose is not working). He should be able to prescribe more, and remember the pharmacist does what the docs says they should do.

Good luck


Rex

[1st24]

Thank you Rex, I'll try after the holiday, maybe when I get down to SF.  That's where he is.  My life is so complicated, my doc's are 300 miles away from where I've moved.  I didn't want to change until my knee replacement was done, and I've been up here since July 2001.  Had my partial jknee replacement Sept 2001.  Now I need a total replacement, but can't do that until my husband's surgery has healed - about 2 months!  Then it's 8 months of rehab, and pain meds all over again.  That's another reason I have to taper down, so that after surgery my tolerance level will have come down.  That was the worst pain I'd ever experienced in my life, including childbirth.  But, sometimes I can't walk across the room without hopping on my left leg, it's as though I have a broken leg.  The bones feel like they don't line up.  If I take enough pain meds and valerian and wear a brace, it gets better, but as soon as I do normal activity, it happens again.

[teeitup]

try and take 1/2 at a time, it might not help all the physical pain but mentally maybe you can stretch out what you have left. good luck!

teeitup!

[saveyourself]

First of all the fear of quitting the pills is one of the natural feeling we addicts share. Everyday the mental merry go round and I knew what would follow, kept me using 4 months longer tham I should have.  You are not being silly about that at all.

I don't need to add any suggestions, there are already plenty of good posts to you.  I got honest with my doctor, he didn;t send in the men in the white coats to take me away.  He immediately got on the phone with his newly hired addictionoligist.  I met with her with in a haf hour.  She was good, but wanted to put me on meth to taper down.  I told her no and got the scripts of the thomas recipe.  I am in day 24 and still have WD syptoms (symptoms).
This WD was not as bad as I thought it would be. so as nike says,Just Do It.  I will be praying for you to find the stregnth and courage to take this first step.

Thank you for you prayers and posts to me, they really helped.
God Bless.Greg

[pon]

Hi first, I will be away for a day or two, so I wanted to at least send you a post this morning and wish you well...I will be thinking of you and all the people here while I am away...please remember you are not alone in your struggle...we are all alike in our addiction no matter how different we are otherwise....people here can help.

prayers,

pon