My name is Jennifer and I am addicted to painkillers (mostly vicodin and percocets). Its an odd situation because I have my Bachelors degree, I have had my job at a law firm for 2 years now and I am married, but addicted to pain pills. I dont feel like I am the typical addict and I am really not sure what degree of help that I need. Its not like I empty my bank acct each month to pay for my addiction or anything, although I have taken up to 50 milligrams of vicodin in one day before and I have smoked marijuana regularly for the past 10 years. I dont smoke cigaretts or drink very much, if at all. I am invloved in my family life, I belong to a book club, walk the dogs and play softball on occasion. I do feel withdraw symptoms when I havent had any meds for a while and that scares me. What I want to know is, does it seem possible I can quit on my own at home? I want to quit so my husband and I can start a family and so I dont find that I am sometimes using my whole day to try to find pills. My husband is the person who brought the issue to my attention and I just want to quit as discretely as possible. Please help, any comment is welcome. Thanks!!!!
The first thing you can do to get on that road to recovery is to lose the stereotype. I TOO have a degree, I TOO own my own home, etc. And hun, I AM an addict. I don't know what you think an addict looks like, but we gave up sleeping on park benches in the 60's. Nowadays an addict is your lawyer, the kid next door that mows your lawn and the check-out lady at the market. Addiction does not discriminate.
Yes you can withdrawal at home as long as you don't have any other underlying medical problems. You can choose to either go cold turkey and get the physical process over with or you can taper down to a smaller dose and jump from there. If you decide to taper, it is best to speak with your prescribing physician and express your concerns. Let him/her provide you with a safe taper plan.
We can help you with support here and give you some recommendations for home remedies that have worked for us. Let us know what you decide is the best way for you to go.
Hi and welcome...
You stated, "so that I don't find that I'm using my whole day to find pills". Does this happen to you because if it does, your an addict.
I agree with everything IBKleen said. You can do this at home but need to be safe about it. Also, sounds like after your clean, think about some type of support system. Most addicts need support otherwise those thoughts of, "I can have just one" will start to creep back into your head. Hope this helps. You can do this!
I understand where you are coming from, it took a long time for me to drop the idea I had in my head of an addict. Anyway, my first choice is to quit at home, I havent made an effort to quit during my addiction yet, so i was thinking that at least trying to do it at home couldnt hurt. I heard drinking cranberry juice/water, warm baths (for body aches), potassium, vitamins, and exersize work the best...what do you think? What should I do for mental support... meaning, I want to change the way I think too, I was thinking about NA,...does that work?
I am an addict too, and I have a masters degree, a home, and I'm a teacher. I've tried discretely to taper down but I DO have legitimate pain that requires meds. I just tend to use them up too fast when I get them, which is typical addiction behavior.
I have not been able to quit or cut back at home because I live alone and lack a support system. If you are willing to seek the help of your husband you stand a good chance of success. However, you run a bigger risk of harming your relationship if you let your urge for meds overpower your love and trust in your spouse. If you let him dole out pills to you in a controlled manner and don't sneek around behind his back to get more, then you can quit before it gets worse.
However if you display drug seeking behavior despite a team effort to reach your goal of quitting, then that's a sign that you need to seek professional help. IMO.
Certainly keeping hydrated is very important. You may find that you have "bathroom" issues during the process, hence you will need an ample supply of water, cranberry juice if you choose, or Gatorade is best (contains electrolytes). Hot baths will help soothe the aches so take as many as you need, as often as you need. Sleep may be an issue for the first week. Try a hot bath before bed and if you cannot sleep, do not lay there. Get up and do something to make yourself tired. Some members will recommend Melatonin, or some other natural supplement for sleep. Potassium is another good one as that is something that is depleted during the process as well. If you go down to the bottom right of this page you will see The Thomas Recipe--it contains vitamins and supplements that may help ease the physical process.
For me, aftercare was absolutely necessary. I did both counseling for 3 years along with the fellowship of NA. The counseling helped me get to the root of my issues and the reasons behind why I used and NA helped me to live life on life's terms, it still does. For me, they were two separate forms of care but worked hand in hand.
to add to what has been said above.. read the thomas recipe and the amino acid protocol.... Buy also Hylands restful legs ( nights with RLS are really annoying, tiring, stressful ... )..add some epsom salts to your baths ( your muscles will thank you ..) ...valerian root and melatonin ( they help with anxiety and lack of sleep ) And stay positive... your attitude will be your best friend, this is mostly a mental battle after the first 7/10 days and the physical symptoms are past and gone. The lack of energy, sleep and motivation along with bouts of anxiety and depression for some weeks after detoxing are tough... NA works if you work it, therapy works if you work it and so... it takes some works as you can see and time but as long as you stay clean, you can get time and do the work... keep us posted and don't hesitate to post your questions and even emotions, we are here to support each other, jennifer.. GOOD LUCK NOW :)
I am withdrawing from vicodin at home/work right now. I am on day 6. It's a shakey 6, but I am still hanging in there. I quit cold turkey. I first tried an inpatient rehab program, but I only could stay the 4 days for detox because I had to go back to work. They gave me a med called suboxone but I stopped that as soon as I got because I didn't want to get addicted to another pill & I read it was addicting.
I had issues with calling myself a drug addict too, but at this point it doesn't matter. I think you are in the right place. This website has really helped me so far. Take the pludge & do it! You won't be alone & I think you will figure out what you need once you get started & as time goes on. Good Luck!
I can't add much to what has been said. I am detoxing cold turkey from home as I type. I am in my 13th day of getting off of a 8-12 a day oxy addiction (10/325). It has been an eye opener. You will find that your brain will start to work and those emotions that the pills have been messing with will come back and bite a bit. It is a good thing. We all are addicted for one reason or another. You have to look at why you are taking them other than for the pain that usually started the cycle. I got hit by 3 pretty tough things in a short space and the pills I had begun taking for a very bad back took a life of their own. The Thomas Recipe was a life saver for me. I did not take the tranks, but have done all the rest.
BTW, I am a college educated, retired school teacher with two college educated adult children and a husband of 34 years this month. Addicts come in all shapes and sizes! I wish you luck. It sounds like you have a supportive husband. Awesome! Kick it now, before it gets worse.
Hi there, and welcome. We are glad to meet you! The fact that you wrote at all acknowledges that you have a problem. Yes you are an addict, but addicts come in all colors of the rainbow and each is unique. So you are an addict, but you are an individual with a lot to offer the world, yourself, and your family.
Was it Ornette Coleman, the jazz saxophonist, who said (regarding heroin), "They can take it out of your blood but they can't take it out of your mind."? Well, he's right. Your mind can be a formidable enemy or your saving grace with regard to getting off drugs. We can tell you everything in the world about physical detoxing relatively comfortably, but you are going to have to do some very deep digging (preferably with a counselor) to fix your mind. What do the pills do for you? What's missing that you need to take pills? Why are you spending money and many hours making sure you can get them? Think real hard about this before you start, and write some things down in a journal to help you along the way. And make your husband truly your partner in every way by letting him support you. Yes, you can do this discreetly without endangering your job, social status, etc. Good luck, and let us know what's happening!
Pg 1. I have never been to a forum but find it ironic that I came across your story. Mostly because it speaks to the denial I've had with my own addiction. I am a registered nurse with an addiction to cocaine. Over the years I have tried most drugs. I am now 38, married for the second time and have two children aged 15 and 6. My addiction journey started when I was 14. Started drinking and smoking pot. By the time I was 16 I was injecting cocaine. In fact, the first time I did cocaine was by injection. My boyfriend who was 11 years older did this too me. As a teen I tended to gravitate towards abusive relationships. This is difficult to understand as I knew all too well the confusion created by sexual, verbal and physical abuse. Growing up in a upper middle class family does not provide the safety net needed to avoid addiction. My parents were not addicts although my Mom lived a traumatized childhood with a father who became a volitile alcoholic in his thirty's. I've never been a drinker. Always preferred drugs over alcohol.
My first marriage was to a non-user. He knew I was actively using heroin at the time. I relapsed several times with cocaine throughout the 15 year relationship. Snorting it mostly. I had not injected drugs since my late teens..
I managed to successfully complete a nursing degree and enjoyed long periods of abstinence from cocaine. However I did use pot daily.
When the marriage ended I was dedicated to Christian values and had been drug free for over 8 months.
Pg 2. When I met my second husband I was completely honest about my past. I disclosed the fact that I was Hep C positive and gave him all the information needed to make an informed decision prior to entering into a serious relationship. He was loving, supportive and we had a great start together. When our son was born he took paternity leave from his professional employment so I could pursue a specialty nursing course. Life was good. Well it was...
Three years into our marriage I suffered a personal tragedy. My brother died of an aneursym at 31 years of age. He left behind three children under 4 years old. Shortly after his death I took a position as a hospice nurse. I dealt with death, dying and grieving families in a professional capacity and came home to my own grief. Sleeping became difficult. I started to disconnect from others. My husband just watched from a distance and became the primary caregiver of the children. I worked alot. I love being a nurse. I'm have a personable and caring nature and give all that I have to my patients and their families. About a year after my brother's death, I relapsed after nearly 8 years of sobriety. I started taking sedatives to help with sleep. Then opiates. About a month after the first pill I was injecting Dilaudid. I went from a highly functioning team leader to losing my job due to suspicions of using on the job. Of course I denied it and it could never be proven. Needless to say I went through brutal detox at home over the next two weeks. My husband knew what was up. He found the syringes and vials at home numerous times. It took him so long to confront me. I still feel a little bitter that he watched me spiral out of control. I felt like he didn't care if I died. Even after my termination, we did not discuss my addiction openly. I felt deeply ashamed and was still in denial. After all, I was a professional....
When the access to opiates was gone, I started to use cocaine again. Funny how all the wrong people just pop into your life. I was still able to maintain my new job at the hospital. To make a long story short, I was suspended for suspicion of substance use in 8 short months. I quit cold turkey. No problems. I knew my union would make an appointment with an addiction specialist and I did not want to test positive. The first couple of visits were routine. Negative urine test and my outright denial and downplaying of my past and present drug use. These facts are still very hard to disclose. I carry shame and guilt. Two powerful emotions that obstruct my recovery to this day...
Pg 3. So just when I thought I could outsmart the doc, he asks for a hair sample. Well two days later he calls and says it was positve for high levels of cocaine. He recommended a suspended license until 2 months of high intensity drug rehab. Seriously?! Me? Rehab?! The situation was surreal. How was I going to explain a two month absence to people? December 22, 2010 I was on a plane. I was angry, lonely, depressed, grieving..I could go on. I hadn't used in over 4 months and despite my history of addiction, I still felt that I could stay abstinent without rehab. I was over 3000 miles away from my family and I missed my kids so much that it was difficult to talk about them and not until my last week could I look at their pictures. I was so deeply ashamed and regretting all the time I had missed with them. Especailly my youngest, who is now 6. I always knew that my husband would pick up the slack when I was working, out getting high or passed out on the couch. Yes, they were cared for. But not by me. I was guilty of emotionally abandoning them. My husband was not supportive. He rarely called and was starting to get used to the idea of me not being around. Divorce was a resounding theme.
So what did I learn in rehab? hmmmm..well I learned to manipulate others and deny my addiction. Not once did I ever disclose what I am writing here today. I was fearful that the truth would become part of my professional record and that I would be stigmatized. I did recieve counselling and group support for the traumas I had experienced throughout my life. I did understand that my use was learned behavior to cope with feelings too painful to acknowledge. I was with other nurses, doctors, pharmacists, milatary and others. I heard stories of personal tradegy, war and legal issues. I was easily convinced that the devil is a living, breathing creature.
Homecoming was awkward. My kids were estatic to see me. My husband didn't know what to say. It was such an inconvience for him to take time off work to pick me up from the airport and could barely face me when he seen me for the first time in 2 months. Oh yeah, like I didn't feel bad enough about myself.
Pg 4. So despite the stress at home I managed to stay clean for over 6 months. Well from cocaine anyway. I'm currently on a monitoring program and have random urine screens. About 2 months home I started drinking. WTF? I never drink. I would lie and say I was going out of town to visit family just so I wouldn't get called for a screen. I was manipulating my counsellor so I could create windows of opportunity. I guess I chose alcohol because it would not show up in a hair sample and leaves the bloodstream quickly in the event I was asked to provide these types of samples. On occasion, I was drinking straight vodka within an hour of waking up. I mean I would almost vomit when trying to swallow it. I hated the taste so why mix a drink. I was just drinking for the mood altering effect. This happened a handful of times then I had enough of alcohol. I was supposed to go to meetings as part of my agreement. I didn't go to one. I signed my sheet and faxed it in monthly.
The last month I have been struggling. After almost a year off work I was set to return. I was so anxious to face my collegues. Afraid of what they would say. How much did they know?
After a long absence, my husband has returned emotionally. I feel such deep love and support from him. I never thought these feelings would return for us. We talk openly about my addiction and how we can improve our marriage.
The down side..Well about I have relapsed on cocaine. over the past couple weeks I have been frequently using large quantities. I have been high at home. Before I would steer clear of home when I was using. I didn't want my husband to see me high. I know my behavior was strange and I couldn't face him. Lately, it's like I don't care. He hasn't seen me actually using but he knows. He calls me on my behavior which he has never done before. I actually feel like he cares. I have been so brutally honest with how I'm feeling. In my darkest moment he hugs me. I'm almost too high to stay still long enough for a hug but he still reaches out to me. And what do I do? I continue to use the next day and the next and the next...I stopped for 5 days as I was returning to work. I NEED to stay sober. I WANT to stay sober. He even let me use his urine for 2 drug screens. Of course it worked but who am I fooling? It was supposed to just get me through this hump then I would give my own clean urine. At least that was the intention. I have been back to work for a few shifts now. It's going well. 99% of my collegues were so happy to see me and I was welcomed back with open arms.
Pg 5. So just to recap..My relationship is strong, my kids are beautiful as ever and I am once again finding meaning in my work. Then why the compulsion to use? In fact, I used last night and went into work feeling so emotionally drained that I came home early. I said I had a family emergency. Everyone bought it. My husband is deeply concerned and says he cannot continue to live this way. He wants to see me better. I want to see me better. This is the first time in my life that I am terrified of myself. Even after all the consequences I have endured I still feel a compulsion to use. Because I have been so secretive about about my addiction I have no one to talk to about it. Just my husband as of recent. I feel afraid to tell him that I want to use. I don't want him to lose hope and give up on me. He promises to not give up on me even though I feel like I have given up on myself. Today I am recovering so I feel exceptionally low. I'm at a loss. I don't want to confess to my Doctor because he will pull my license and I will be back to square one. In my heart I know this is the right thing to do. Going back to rehab is the best option. I feel like I'm ready. There is a big difference in going willingly and being manadated to go. However, until I get the courage to tell my doctor, I am going to get a sponsor and go to at least 3 meetings a week. I really feel for those who are alone in there addiction. Even though I had a partner, my blatant denial isolated me from their support...until now. I know this is more of a story than a comment but it's a story that needed to be told. God knows I feel so much better for sharing. If anyone takes anything from this, I hope it is the understanding that addiction is a deeply personal journey. Chemical dependency is a disease in your brain that does not disappear. Only consistent patterns of "recovery behavior" will keep the disease at bay. The moment you entertain the thought of using or miss a meeting, you feed the disease. It may be unconcious. This is why journalling is so helpful. It allows you to examine and reflect on your inner most thoughts. My brother said this to me a week or so before he died, "If you aim for nothing you'll hit your target everytime". So set goals...realistic and attainable goals. Ask for help from those you love and trust. And and most importantly, understand that you are not your behavior. Well I'm signing off..I have alot of work to do :o) Take care and God Bless.
Of course you can! And by the sounds of it, your problem isn't too bad- yet.
And it's important that you do to, if you plan on starting a family. You wouldn't want you baby born and have to go through withdrawals for it's first days of life in this world, would you? Of course not.
It's obvious that you are taking them on a daily basis to "feel good", and that is one of the definitions of an addict, even though you may not think you are one, because you probably think of an addict as someone living in the streets with a needle in their arm. That's just a stereotype that has been popularized by the movie industry, but in reality addicts come from all walks of life.
You should also quit smoking pot as well, even though you, like most pot smokers, probably think smoking pot is harmless and not addictive. While it may not be as physically addictive as opiate types of drugs and easier to quit, it is an addictive habit just the same, and is certainly not "harmless" either. For one, it can and does cause brain development problems if the habit is started in the early teens while the brain is still developing, and can lead to permanent brain abnormalities. Pediatric researchers have found abnormalities in areas of the brain that interconnect brain regions involved in memory, attention, decision-making, language and executive functioning skills. Early pot use has also been linked with a significantly increased probability of developing psychosis and schizophrenia. This link has been documented in over 30 different scientific studies, so it isn't just the DEA making up stories as potheads like to say as they dismiss these findings.
You wouldn't want to take ANY risk of causing any damage to a developing baby anyway, would you?
Back to the pills, quitting them isn't the only problem to overcome, you will also want to reduce the chances of relapsing and start using them again.
Eliminating the reason for taking them in the first place is a step towards guarding against this, so taking care of your health and finding how to feel good without taking a pill will be part of what we call "aftercare" which starts at the same time you toss the pills away and quit. Getting through the withdrawals caused by the psychical dependance you've developed is only the first step of quitting for good.
Many of the things you will or should use to help make those withdrawal symptoms more tolerable, and to help you deal with anxiety, depression, the lack of energy, restless leg syndrome etc. are vitamins and amino acid supplements that you should continue taking long after you are past the withdrawals, because it will take a long time for your body to start producing all the endorphins that the pills caused your body to stop producing. You will feel crappy until your endorphin levels return to normal. These amino acids and vitamins help by metabolizing into many of those endorphins, which will help you to feel better while this process goes on.
A bout one month after you stop taking those pills, your endorphin levels will return to about 45-50% of normal, and return to normal in around 9 months to a year.
Here is the link to an amino acid protocol you should read:
There are also things lyou should have on had besides those, which are Immodium, to help with the runs, which most people get when the stop pills, and gator aid or another electrolyte replacement to keep hydrated.
Good luck, stay in touch when you start quiting and there will always be someone around to help you through.
HI Jennifer welcome to the forum you have been givin some sound advise already to break this down it is 1/3 physical and 2/3 mental be ready to finght on both fronts this is truly a battle one or lost in ones own mind
get comfortable with the saying...''you just got to be ok without being ok fir a wile'' this to shall pass the symptoms are only temporary the biggest thing you can bring to the table is a positive attitude it will get you farther then any one thing it means the difference between discomfort and suffering as you go thrrew this you will realize it is far more difficult mentally then physically so you will need some form of outlet to deal with the mind screw .....N/A is good as are consolors and therapists but the addiction will have to be delt with or more then likely it will start right back over getting clean is the ez part I wish you all the best as you already can see you willl have plenty of support good luck and God bless........Gnarly
If you went through a masters program, you can quit on your own. You just need to find that same drive that got your through the program and use it to keep you on track. The pills make you weak and make life/quitting seem overwhelming and unattainable. But remember the pills are playing with your mind and making things seem worse than they really are. I am using some of the same mental tricks that got me through my program (also edu related) on this problem. I take an overwhelming problem and break it up into very small parts to make it easier to deal with. For this problem, that means a slow, gradual taper. At almost 2 weeks into this, I get frustrated how slowly things are going, but I can also tell it's working as it's getting easy to be completely satisfied with half or less of the dosage I was doing 3 weeks ago. Like you I am all alone and have only this board to have people to talk to. While I wish I had a spouse/GF to talk to, I know I can do it. And so can you-you just have to find that drive/willpower that got you through grad school. It's still there, the pills just try to hide it from you. Good luck -stay in touch!!
Don't feel bad about the addiction label. They pull in many people who never had any intention of abusing them. I had an injury, liked them, and then noticed they helped me deal with school and my dying parents. I was ok for a good while then before I knew it I was doing them all the time. They also changed my personalty and that is when I realized I had a problem. It sounds like you are where I was about 2 years ago - It will only become worse if you continue to use them. Over time the pleasure will diminish and you will have to take them to just feel normal. That was starting to happen to me so I knew it was time to pull the plug on them. I was doing the amount your mention only on Friday/Sat nights and it was still enough to cause a problem. Yes I think you can do it at home-look at the Thomas recipient. I am doing B complex, C every day. Doing 5htp and L-Tyrosine, but only in small doses. I tested L-Tyrosine in the past when I was preparing myself to quit. You should go easy with L-Tyrosine as at times it has made me feel very good , but at other times made me feel like I was going through withdrawals. Both times i was using too high of dosage so now I take just 1 500mg pill in the am and one in the afternoon. Don't take at night as it may keep you awake. good luck!!!
Just a note about L-Tyrosine. A person should start with an even lower dose than 500mg. 200mg is recommended to start, then if you feel it isn't doing enough increase by another 200-300mg. Also it's best taken in the morning when you start the day. You can take more in the afternoon, but only if you find you are struggling with energy, otherwise you may find yourself having trouble relaxing in the evening before bed. Amino's should be taken on an empty stomach with lots of water.
Higher doses than 500mg can actually have the opposite effect of what it is intended to have, namely cause anxiety problems.
It's also important to take that multivitamin with all the B vitamins, B6 especially, because it helps with the absorption of the amino acids
Thank you so much for sharing all of that very personal information with me because i know how you feel regarding wanting to be secretive. I dont want my parents or co-workers to know how bad it is and even though my husband promted me wanting to quit, he has no idea the magnitude of the problem that i actually have. I want to quit smoking pot too, I just think i should take one step at a time, ya know? I plan on tappering off on the pills and then hopefully getting up enough courage to go to a NA meeting. I want to make my husband proud, but he doesnt understand addiction, he thinks its all mental ( which i do believe that most of it is), but I think its the physical stuff that keeps me coming back. All of you have no idea how much all of this information has helped me, thank you so much!!!
and to Luckytwice- I will check out that book!!!
information is power and power is knowledge learn all you can about the enemy read the posts here and surff the site there is a lot of great info here just look arond on the page the health pages are loaded with good stuff ......how you doing so far have you started this yet where here to support you when your ready you can do this keep reading the posts and post often for support we all want to see you succeed good luck and God bless.......Gnarly
I have started tappering off of the painkillers and the pot, I have read all the information i can find and looked up information on NA meetings in my area. I am afraid though, that I am not totally mentally ready, or willing, to quit. I know its a problem, I am only a few days into the process, and I hope i can make it happen....for the sake of my marriage. I want to, WANT to do it for myself..... I change my mind every minute it seems like, but i think i can make it happen......
THERES A VERY wise man on this board who tells it the way it is....
'''when the desire to get clean exceeds the desire to get high this will work not one minute b/4 your seeking out the info fear plays a part in this also try not to let it you can do this where all here to help you threw it and you will be successful just takes some perseverance and the willingness to be uncomfortable for a few days btw the N//A meeting would be a great idea you dont have to be clean just have the desire to be your there now hang in there you will make it threw this I broke a 16 1/2 yr habit if I can do it you can just listen to the guidance pray to God ....prayer is a powerful weapon agents addiction....I cant wait to see you set yourself free good luck and God bless......Gnarly
Thanks...already found out that too much makes things worse not better. Any thing safe for low energy/mild depression? I only get it in the afternoon. I don't feel wonderful in the am, but at least not terrible like before. But after lunch I slow down and just stay in my office chair most of the rest of the day. I am cutting down again tomorrow night-hopefully things will eventually get better not worse...
well i'm on 54hrs of no opiates...my first 24 hrs was effin horrible...i feel proud of myself but i have to admit i am taking valium to help with the withdrawls (which i plan to taper off after 4days) also xanax for night...omg those leg issues are horrible and i cant keep my husband up all night as well...ive been surfing the net looking for more info on how long these withdrawals last..i'm seeing alot of diff answers...i heard it mostly depends on the persons body and how much they took...well i was taking about 10 10/325 norcos a day ( i wouldnt say every single day) and also anything i could buy in between like 500mg vics or 750s which i really liked...sometimes 10 or more of those also..ive been addicted to them for about 6ish years...seems like it was never enough..i always wanted more..i honestly dont feel that bad today, but doesnt mean i wont feel crappy tomorrow , i know its due to the valium, B12, bananas, baths, xanax (night) lots of water (which is disgusting to me i'm forcing myself to drink it), immodium, energy shots, and my thoughts in my head...i just keep reminding myself my family is more important than pills and its time before i lose everything i have...depression was horrible yesterday but not really bad today...would someone plz tell me how long do they think i will go thru the withdrawls? ( i do go back to work tomorrow night)....i hear 48-72hrs and then everything gets better from there...is this true? oh god plz tell me it is cuz that means i'm almost there..i can handle the mental part i just dont wanna feel like the flu and the blues anymore...
It was cathartic for me to share my story. I hid my addiction for many years but in the later stages my behavior was a dead giveaway. Especially when I was using opiates. I was building an incredible tolerance and needed higher does to get the same effect. People could see I was under the influence. If I could feel satiated by the dose then my behavior was certain to relect I had a problem. I drove high, attended family functions high, worked high...I was pretty much high all the time to some degree. I used to be a chronic pot smoker for over 20 years. I'm still surprised that I have quit for over 8 years and don't miss it one bit. I wish I could say that for other drugs. Cocaine has become my vice over the past few weeks. I used to use over 500mg of Dilaudid daily and even benzos to go with it. Hard to believe I'm still alive. I honestly don't miss opiates either. And I'll tell you why..
My detox was exceptionally brutal given the high does I was taking. It lasted a few days at home. I didn't take anything to ease the discomfort. Sure I could of told my doctor and detoxed in hospital. I could of taken methadone or suboxone and likely still been taking it to this day. But I'm an all or nothing kinda person. That's the addict in me I guess. Today I am happy to have a body clean of opiates. However I still have other issues to overcome. I will never do opiates again simply because I refuse to relive the detox experience. Was it uncomfortable? Hell ya, but it was not unbearable. I don't want to scare you. But I'm sure you have already read tons of horror stories. It is managable and shortlived and I know you can do it. I didn't detox by choice. I found myself out of a job and therefore no access to opiates. I would not even know where to begin looking to find them and wasn't going to try. Besides nothing on the street could compare with concentration I was taking. 50 mg of dilaudid per ml is some pretty serious dosing. So cold turkey it was.
The good part about cold turkey is that when the detox was over I was drug free. Physical symptoms were no longer there. The compulsion to use was not of a physical need anymore. However the emotional need to self medicate still loomed. It wasn't enough to make me go and use spontaneously but it was enough to put me at risk for relapse at some point in time.
I strongly recommend to detox without suboxone or methadone. While detox from opiates is not fun, it is NOT lifethreatening like alcohol is. You can do this at home. It would be great to have someone home with you. Maybe your husband can take time off work. My concern with detoxing in a facility is that you will likely recieve drugs that are just as difficult to detox from. JMO..
I know your husband want's you to quit. So does mine. In fact if I continue to use, he will eventually leave me. And I know deep down you want to quit. Otherwise we would not be having this discussion. You may not feel totally prepared to detox today. Thats ok. But please go to a meeting to listen to others. When you're ready, share your story. Find a sponsor who you can connect with. I know how difficult it is, but you will not be judged. You will be accepted with open arms. Whenever I feel too proud to do what I know I should do, I just remember the saying, "pride comes before the crash". True dat, true dat.
Well wishes and hugs to you!
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