Is it possible to stop?

[M]

I need to talk, or at least get a few things off my chest.
Last year I went the Dr. for a horrible pain in my neck and tingling in my arm.  Found out there was a herniated disk.  I was given Ultram.  I liked it!  Then it lost efectiveness and I started getting vicodin, but my Dr. was hesitant about giving to much of that, so he turned me to Darvocet.  Well I have been managing for the last year now getting a refill each week.  I want to stop, but can not mentally do it.  I feel that if the hour that I take a dose passes and no dose is given I start sweating, and getting agitated.  now if I am having a great time and I don't see the clock I don't notice.  But as soon as I see that my dose hour passed I freak.  My Dr. apparently wrote me a script for 120 ultram with a refill of 12!  Problem is that my insurance won't let me get more than a 10 day supply at a time that is only 4 pills a day!  I found that I can actually fill every 8 days.  Well I started to stop slowly. Because I only had 6 pills left a 2 days till my next fill.  The first day I managed to only take 2 pills all day. I found that I didn't have the cravings when I woke up. But I think that all the meds that I took the day before were still in me.  Then yesterday I had only 4 pills left and I couldn't get more till today.  I knew that the 4 pills wouldn't last.  I found that I was very angry inside and didn't want to do ANYTHING!  I am a stay at home mom of 3 kids.  I called my Dr. and knowing that my last darvocet fill was 2 months ago I called to get another one.
Though I am only suppose to take 2 at night for pain, I am taking them during the days just for the energy.
Last night I barely slept and had many nightmares.  It took all I had to not get up and take any meds.  See, I won't take meds at night because I don't want to sleep through the high.
Yes, I have pain and the meds do help that.  But, I am finding that I am taking meds when there is no pain.  How can I stop when I know that I have pills waiting for me for a very long time.  For some reason I go nuts if I know there was meds out there that I wasn't taking.  I can not stand to have good meds just sit in a cabinet and possibly expire.  I always tell myself that as soon as this bottle is gone that is IT!  But it never is.  I always find some way to get more.  I am alone in this fight and for personal reasons MUST stay alone!  I have only hit up one friend for meds, so no one has caught on.  See I played that I was in pain and she offered them too me knowing that I have the herniated disk.
I just needed to talk and get this off my chest.  It is killing me by holding it all inside.  For some reason after I take a pill I justify it by saying to myself " Now I can clean the house and get things done, so this is in fact helping the family"
Detox is out of the question.  It is more of a mental addiction then physical.  I went through physical withdrawls many times I am trying to keep doses low enough where those won't be a problem.  I am tired of sitting on the toliet shaking and sweating not knowing which end I will be losing things from.  Bent over in pain, sweating and not knowing if I am going to pass out there are sit in misery.  I do sometimes get the leg cramps when I try to cut back.  You know the ones where you feel like you have walked a 100 mile marathon.  i don't know why I even asked for the darvocet, I remember the withdrawls from it and they were horrible!  I also remember times I think I overdosed where I was getting really tingly and butterflies, then severe agitation where I couldn't sit down and stay still.  I know that I had taken more than I should have for the day.  I don't want to get into the rut again.  But on the other hand I know that there are 96 darvocet (took 2 this morning and 2 yesterdy evening) sitting in my cabinet. And 10 more refills of 120 Ultram out there.
Well, I better stop now.  I can go on and on with this subject.

[Sherry]

Wow! There seems to be a lot of anger out there.

My story: After a stroke in 1995 I became addicted to lortab. I tried to quit several times to no avail. The mental addiction for me is the worst. I do have headaches daily, but most of them are not bad enough to take narcotics for. I take the lortab anyway because it just makes me feel better. Yea right! "Shame on me" A few weeks ago I felt desperate when I ran out of meds. I called in my own prescription and got caught. I'm a first time offender and am likely to get out of a felony rap, but only if I rehabilitate. I have gone 11 days clean. It is the worst thing I have ever gone through. For me, the physical withdrawls are not much worse than the flu. Each day I have a headache those mental withdrawls set in. I have medicated for the severe headaches. sometimes I go 5 or 6 days and other times it is only 2 or 3 days in between the bad ones. Am I keeping myself in this state of mental addiction by taking meds 4 or 5 days a month. Sometimes I think I would be crazier if I thought that I could get no relief from the severe pain. I do not pretend to be an expert on anything. I am an addict and just need some answers from people who have gone through the same ordeal.

[Dave to Pain or Lortab? What will it be]

Of all of the contributors to this page, you are far and away the least qualified to take anyone to task for their spelling or reading comprehension.

First, "yaking" is correctly spelled as either: 1). yakking; or, 2). yacking -- but certainly not "yaking."

Second, your grammar and sentence construction are so poor that even the most generous of high school English professors would find it difficult to give you a passing grade.

Finally, I'm afraid that it is you who needs to exercise more care while reading.  Indeed, Barbara is altogether correct when she points out in her response to your crude insult that she doesn't claim to be a "recovering current drinker."  To wit, in her original posting she flatly admits that "...even though I have not completely stopped drinking yet...some day I will be able to beat this habit...."

[John]

Steve, I think you are correct with that person having a few anger prob's to work out. I liked the way that he/she said that you were not smart and said that you only had a High School education. They then went on to use $'s as s's and ! as I's. Hmm I perhaps think that this is the work of someone much more advanced in their education.. NOT! Steve, who do you think the one who "Just like(s) to hear (themself) pretend you know something" ? :) You guessed it, the person who de-individualizes them self by not giving their name... I can understand why someone like this might do it however... They usualy have low self esteems and can't handle people answering back to them directly. I will wait for a reply. I guess it will depend on where he is on his manic - depression cycle! :)

[barbara to pain and lortab]

I never claimed to be a recovering alcoholic. I claimed to be an alcoholic that has been trying to stop drinking and has had a number of relapses. You are the fools. As far as the spelling, sometimes I type too fast and don't have the time to check for errors. Plus it's usually 6:00 am and I am not even fully awake.

I am always sober at this time of morning as I do not drink before going into work!

Could it be possible that pain, lortab and enemy are all the same person (Imus)? They surely word things similarly.

[Brian to Sick and Scared]

Your thoughts would be best conveyed without attacking those who disagree with your OPINIONS which, although welcome, are nothing but opinions. Furthermore, before attacking people for what you perceive is a lack of education perhaps you should consider the saying "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."  Finally, your problem with doctors probably has far more to do with your absolutely horrible attitude than it does from the doctors' fears of providing you with sufficient pain relief.  If I was your doctor I wouldn't provide you with pain relief either because you are an ass.

[SA.MD WON'T ANSWER MY SIMPLE QUESTION.CO]

Marie......Nicely done. You have many great points. I agree with you in many ways.

BarBarA....Learn how to spell,read and then understand what people write before you judge anyone. You really look like a fool when you're out in left field yaking about being a recovering current drinker. Stop the booze and when you are sober try it again.

STEVE??...WOW,you didn't know what you wrote? You didn't mean it to sound the way it did? Come on now. I understood exactly what you said. What? were you on too much drugs last night that you are claiming insanity? O'k,I'll buy that one. So the devil made you do it.

[SA.MD WON'T ANSWER MY SIMPLE QUESTION.CO]

Hey M.

If your pain isn't too much too handle then you MUST QUIT. There isn't any question about it. I hate to have to take ANY DRUGS!!! If you take it ONLY because you are addicted then SHAME ON YOU,"IF" you don't take measures to stop. "BUT" if you are in severe pain as I am then you have to decide if there is even a logical way to stop or if it even makes sense to stop.

When it comes to pain relief,medical doctors are about as good as a dog catchers. They are 90% absolutely worse than worthless,they are harmful. They think first about themselves. Then way down the list they might think about your pain. But the cowards and/or uncaring MD's that they are,they think you can live with pain. They think 40 years of living with severe pain is far better than giving you the correct amount of pain meds to ease your pain and live with tolerated pain for 30 years. So at best some may give you just enough pain meds that always keep you just barely NOT able to tolerate your pain. But report looks like they are doing their jobs.

"BUT" 5 years later you have had it with the pain. You have taken enough pain meds to F@CK your spirit,mind and body because you just can't stand one more day of the pain you still have even with the poison pain meds MR MD has counted out to you. What he has done for 5 years is KEPT you in pain and from ENOUGH PAIN RELIEF to truly help. But he still has given you NOT ENOUGH PAIN MEDS to HELP YOU. THE RESULTS? 5 years of poison for NOTHING!!!!!! You still have taken the poison,but not enough to make it worth taking. MD's are worse than PIMPS. MD'S keeps their patients DOWN IN PAIN and gives you just a little taste of pain relief. Very tiny relief. Not nearly enough. If they would have given you enough to be able to cope with your pain,what a world of difference you would feel about life. Maybe hope,motivation,happiness,etc..which GREATLY helps you and everyone around you.

Thats my far better than any advice you will ever hear from 95% of all MD'S.  If you are not in alot of pain,get off of it. It really is MUCH MUCH easier than you think ONCE you take the action. Addiction withdrawls aren't fun but they are extremely overrated. I know by direct experience and work in related field. I am in so much pain with these pr!cks as MD'S they are slowly killing me in a very slow undignify way.
They really truly could care less about my pain. If they felt it for one day what I go through everyday,they would be pumping themselves with morphine,percocet or whatever it took to get the pain under control. I hate Doctors for this,Ireally do. There is really no excuse for them.

[steve]

yea addiction withdrawels are overatted, yea right. I guess that's why people commit suicide instead of going thru them. You've been there? I don't think so.   As for you M, good luck, I know what you are going thru and I won't bullshit you, there are no easy solutions, but it is far better on the other side, it's just hard getting there.  Be strong

[SA.MD WON'T ANSWER MY SIMPLE QUESTION.CO]

Steve you are a real PR!CK. Many people commit suicide for MANY different reasons while ADDICTED. You have proven you can't read or understand. High school education it sounds like. You don't think I have been through the worse withdrawls known to MD'S. While I have a number of times. I was always told BY ex-addicts and MD'S I would be going through the worse withdrawls and it would be pure ugly HELL. I was the first time so worry about the withdrawls I was afraid to start it. But I said whatever happens,happens. Let me TELL YOU PUNK. You don't know sh!t. Truely you are a very weak person without knowledge. Just like to hear yourself pretend you know something. Most people STOPPING DRUGS DON'T KILL THEMSELVES WHILE THEY ARE STOPPING THE DRUGS. Almost EVERY one of those who kill themselves do it because they ARE AFRAID or think they can't stop because of BA$TARDS like you who try to scare them. Losers like you are not needed to help people here.
To you M. You can do it. But like I said before,starting the first step to recover is by far the hardest part. Don't listen to Steve try to discourage that all important first step. I am hear to tell you if you set your mind to it you will do it. And again,the withdrawls are super overrated. I am talking from qualified experience. It doesn't matter if Steve doubts it or not. I think he doubts life. He sounds like a sick person who wants you like him,weak. Be strong instead. You'll be better for it. After the withdrawls are over tell me if you think it was as hard as you thought it would be.

[steve]

Sorry didn't mean to scare anyone or take away hope. You can stop anyone can and it is possible. Maybe what I meant to say came out wrong. Oh well. who ever you are, chill out , a little anger issues to deal with?

[Thank you]

Thank you all for the words of encouragment.  I see and understand that there are people who comment that have either a deep seeded emotion that probably really needs to be looked at by a Dr. (if for anything but just to talk) or they are just on a emotional down because of the drugs the are on.  Then there are those of you with understanding and compassion.  Now see yesterday I felt like crud. I know that part of it is PMS ( The physical symptoms hit me hard due to anemia) I just felt run down and blah.  I did fear that some of the daily symptons were combined with the darvocet I had taken in the day.  But, my shoulder just starts to throb and ache, every muscle around it is tight.  Then the shooting pains down my arm from the nerve damage. It feels as if I was someones punching bag.  I try to ignore the pain, but sometimes I can't I find that I need the meds.  But inside of me I secretly want to take them and almost want the pain.  I feel like a bad person for it.
I am terrified of accidental overdose and that is the one thing that keeps me from taking too many.  To touch on the suicide comment.  I believe (and I may be wrong I never claim to be an MD) that people who consider suicide or those that try have a deeper problem other than drugs.  I believe that the drugs are a cover up for a situation they do not want to or are not ready to face.  Only when they stop the drugs and the withdrawls start the emotions of why they started them in the first place begin to rise and become worse than ever because those feelings are now there with physical and emotional symptoms of withdrawl.
Well, I think I will step down off my little soap box now.
Again thank you, to those of you with your words of encouragement.  M.

[barbara to pain and lortab]

Withdrawals are not overrated. Maybe for you, you had it easy, five days of flu like symptoms. Not everyone has the same body chemistry. Some suffer much more than others whether it be drugs or alcohol withdrawal.

I know many alcoholics who drink as heavy as I used to (a quart of Vodka or Gin every day) and when they stop for a week or two they have only minor discomfort and crabbiness. When I first tried to quit on an out-patient basis I had over 60 (seizure like events) as the Doctor likes to call it and delirium tremens on and off over a three month period. I was too sick to barely make it to work so I kept going back to drinking so I could work and not lose my job over absenteeism. I finally screamed at my nutritionist Doctor to send me to an addiction Psychiatrist. Now luckily, even though I have not completly stopped drinking yet, I have only had two seizures and minor delirium, i just call it spaciness. Some day I will be able to beat this habit, but it can take time for some people to get through the addiction cravings. Some people are more addicted than others.

So you judging others by your own experience is not only foolish but selfish as well!

Lecturing addicts about being weak does not hep them in any way it only reinforces their negativity the drugs or alcohol are already causing. They need supppotive encouragement to seek medical help whether it be detox or counseling!

[marie]

I don't know if I'm doing this right but here goes.  I have lived with chronic pain first from migraines that compare to my worst labor pains and from a neck injury that happened in 1998.  I have been sober from alcohol since I was 20.  I am now 37.  In AA I was taught never to take anything but an asprin for any reason.  I was very staunch in this belief myself and judged anyone who took prescription medication for any reason.  Unfortunately, I suffered a terrible price for this.  Since I was a child, I have suffered from terrible depression and obsessive compulsive disorder.  I to make a long story short, I white knuckled it for years.  The fear and the pain nearly drove me mad, maybe I was.  After the birth of my daughter in 1994, I sufferred a breakdown that could have been avoided if I would have been willing to take medication for the anxiety and depression.  I cry as I write this, I had to leave my husband and my sweet 6 week old daughter to stay in a mental hospital for a month.  I was an administrator of a large mental health program in another county and they were not sympathetic.  Neither were my AA "friends" who thought I was taking a vacation from my responsibilities and becoming a drug addict.  Maybe I am a drug addict.  I have to take Paxil and a very small dosage of klonopin to enable me to have a quality of life that I never had before.  There have been times when I have gone off my medication only to have my symptoms reappear.  I have come to accept that I have a problem and I have to take the medication but I do so responsibly.  I also have to take narcotic medication for the migraines and neck pain.  This has been much harder for me to accept.  Unfortunately, narcotics have that nasty tendency to make you feel good.  I have tried every other kind of pain treatment and non-narcotic pain medication to no avial.  I try very hard to be responsible with the pain medication however, in the United States, I believe physicians set patients up for addiction and failure by first prescribing the medication that helps and then abruptly stopping the medication leaving the patient frustrated and in pain.  I believe that if physicians treated narcotic medication as they would seizure medication or lithium with blood levels etc.  Many of these difficulties could be avoided.  I believe that nobody wants to become addicted to pain medication, they want pain relief.  In this society where doctors are honing devices for"drug seekers", nothing will ever change.  These "drug seekers" are 98% of the time not bad people trying to get one over on the doctor.  Opiates have been used since Before Christ to treat many disorders.  Unfortunately, they have gotten a bad rap.  I really think doctors in this country need to take a look at what they are doing to people.  All narcotic medication that is prescribed should be closely monitored by the physician and when a physician feels that a person may be addicted, instead of calling the person a "drug addict", or avoiding the person all together, they should talk to the person frankly and work out a plan utilizing the assistance of a counselor and regular blood levels to assist the person in responsibly taking their medication or to stop taking it in the most comfortable way possible.  This is not the civil war it is sad to see so many suffer.  Sorry to ramble on but I have been wanting to say this for a long time.  As for me, I have a great doctor that I can talk to honestly, thank God.  Thank you all also for bearing your souls, I am impressed.  Do what is right for you.

[Dee]

M, this is only the beginning, but I think you've made a step in the right direction.

First of all, you must deal with the guilt factor that has kept you bottled up inside. This has no doubt contributed to the stress factors in your life, and it may even be the thing that is keeping you hooked. You're living in your own private wilderness where no one will hear you cry if you're too far deep. I ask you to come to the edge, and peek out.

Through all of this, I want you to remember one thing: Getting addicted to a drug IS a shame. It is not shameful. It happens. Even if you don't feel you can confide in your family because of embarrassment or whatever reason, you need to realize that they are not going to yell at you. The only yelling will be because they want you to get help, and that's because they love you.

You say you want to stop. DO IT. You need will power enough to keep yourself and your mind off the drug. How you do this is up to you. I think you should take a walk, escape to some place where you can think. You need to listen to yourself, and respect yourself. BELIEVE in yourself.

Even though you will go through the physical withdrawal, the mental can be much worse. I used to take karate, and whenever we'd be in an uncomfortable stance where our muscles were tired and on fire and we didn't think we could take much more of it, our instructor would say, "does it hurt?? does it? which hurts more, "THIS" or dropping a bowling ball on your foot. which hurts more?"

so when you're going through the cravings, the cramps, think about the light at the end of the tunnel. Think about the bowling ball. It's all about perspective. You need to keep your conscience in focus and go for it. Think of it as a challenge. I know that you WILL be better off without Ultram. I know that your family will be better off without Ultram. Do you?

Good luck. Believe me, honey. I know you can do it.