I am having a rough time lately. I was hooked on Hydrocodone for about a year, 30-40 mgs a day. I haven't had a pill in about a month, but lately I have been having excruciating headaches on the top/center of my head. They've been here for about a month and WON'T GO AWAY. I don't think it's migraines either. These things just don't go away. Today I noticed my hands were shaking. I have been having anxiety attacks for the past three days as well. I got the drugs anyway I could, do you think I could have caused brain damage to myself? Or a neurological disorder? Is this normal for the first few months? I had a CT Scan of my head and it revealed nothing. Neurologist can't find anything either. I just don't feel right you know? I have fear of death everyday, I can't do anything except worry about it. Is it Parkinson's disease coming on? Help me please? Anybody ever go through this? I can hardly type right now I'm so worked up. Does anybody know anything at all? Thanks and God Bless
That sounds about right to me. Yep, I'd say you're dealing with opium withdrawal. Be happy that you were only on 40 mg/day. It could have been worse. It could have been a whole lot worse.
Um, what's the hurry? If you have access to enough, why did you drop all of it all at once? Why didn't you drop down by, say, 5 milligrams for a week or so, and then another 5 for a similar period, and another and so on until you were off? It would be a damn sight less painful for you to do it that way. And you could likely have gotten some anti-depression medication of some kind (with which you have to be very careful as well) to help you with the depression and anxiety. You might be forced into this approach anyway.
Oh, yeah, withdrawal from opiates won't kill you. It may make you wish you were dead; but kill you? No. Maybe you should re-think what you're doing.
I had to stop taking them because they would make me really lethargic and I had urinalysis for work. I wasn't getting the pills legally either. I am more concerned with my head aches then anything else. It's a sharp pain at the top/left side of my head that won't go away. I just don't know what's wrong with me?
Sorry to bust in this thread but I need to know if anyone has an answer to this dilemma. I have been going to the methadone clinic since Jan 2001 and am currently on 75mgs. It works well and I feel great but here's the problem: I drive 45 mins to get there and then another 45 mins back to my house. I wasn't working at the time but will start in Sept. I visited my new dr. today to see if he could give me something to take the place of the methadone and then wean off of that (less the daily drive). He gave me a script for 40mgs of oxycontin (40 pills). Could I stop the meth at 75 mgs and start these with no discomfort or should I come down off of the methadone as much as I can before starting these? My husband will be holding on to these pills for me. I guess I'm trying to figure the equivalency. Can anyone help? Thanks!!!!
Gianna, where did your doctor get his degree? K-Mart? I have no idea of your doctor's thinking, and perhaps he knows what he's doing. You should go through all the posts in this entire site and see what's been posted about oxycontin. There are people here who are on methadone attempting to get off oxycontin. Oxys are powerfully addictive, and many people wish they'd never, ever seen the damn things.
I take it you're on methadone attempting to get off heroin? Well, IMHO, going to oxycontin would be the equivalent of just going back to heroin. The level of addictive quality between the two seems to be about the same with oxy being said more psychologically powerful of the two.
My recommendation is for you to move very, very slowly in connection with this decision. If you have 40 oxys, you have a 20-day supply. Then what are you going to do? I can tell you from experience that when you run out of those 40 oxys, you are going to be in the deepest of **** imaginable. Depression so deep and so black that time seems to STOP! Do you want that? Recommend you not begin taking those oxys.
Also recommend you continue to do what you're doing: educate yourself; learn all you can; get on as many bulletin boards as you can; ask a million questions; don't take any one person's word for it - least of all the clown who made this suggestion.
THE DUDE - If I had what you describe, I'd get back on the hydros at 35 mg/day for a week; then 30 mg/day for a week; then 25 mg/day; and so on and on until you're off. That headache will likely disappear and in two months you'll be off. Your situation, as you say, may not allow it.
One other observation/question. Have you recently cut back on your intake of coffee, or caffinated soft drinks, or something like that? I don't think many people realize just how crippling a caffine-related withdrawal headache can be. My Cuban wife has been making espresso for me twice a day for almost ten years. Last year one day when I was laying Spanish tile in our bathroom, both of us forgot the coffee altogether. I woke up around midnight that night with a headache so severe that I wept like a child - and I'm a 56 year-old rugged, outdoorsey type. Just thought I'd ask.
The- It sounds like you are re-developing an anxiety disorder in which you probably were self medicating for for quite some time with the meds. If you have been completely off for a month it is probably not withdrawal. The worst withdrawal would be in the first week. By one month it would be tapering down some and other symptoms of other physical or psychological disorders will start to show themselves.
You need to see a good general practitioner and also even more importantly a good psychiatrist, You may need anti-anxiety medication and psych docs are the main ones that deal with that. General docs don't like to touch psychoactive drugs, they leave those to the psych experts.
do you/did you use any other drugs? I have thirty plus sorry years of hydrocodone addiction, so many withdrawals and rehabs, etc. etc. and I have never heard of someone having your symptoms a full month after kicking an itsy bitsy 8 pill a day habit (40mg/day, right? try 75 Vics/day withdrawal, I "tried it" around 100 times, LOL). Honestly, you're symptoms sound more like benzodiazepine withdrawal -- the time frame for onset, the hands, the headache, the anxiety attacks: are or have you recently been on anything like Xanax, Valium, Klonopin, Librium, Halcion, Ativan? Did you use any of these drugs to withdraw from the Vicodin?
In any event, I hope it passes, my friend. WD sucks, regardless of what you're WDing from.
I have to agree~! Did your Dr. practice at Montgomery Wards? I assume for herion replacement. Weaning off of methadone by using oxy's sounds backwards to me. Be very careful, you could find yourself right back to where you were before the methadone. Oxy's will grab you and not let you go. Methadone at least can be controlled. Look under all the web pages for Oxycotin, it will scare you to death....literally....Best Wishes....Susan.....P.S. My ex was put on methadone to replace oxy addiction. He can't let go of the oxy's and can't get clean. If you think methadone is hard to get off of, oxy's are 10 times worse....take care
Sounds to me you're having rebound headaches. Several years back I took Vicoden 4x's a day for over 3 years. They really made me sick but I kept taking them for headaches. I stopped suddenly because my stomach was always upset and I hate taking pills. Of course I knew nothing about withdrawals at the time. I never had sweats, vomiting, diarreah or any of the other common syptoms of withdrawal. But what I did have was excruciating headaches, I would wake up with them. Lying down made them worse, and if I tried to bend over I wanted to throw up, the pressure was so bad. I was convinced I had a brain tumor. After many tests, brain scan, mri's ect. the neurologist asked me what meds I had taken over the past year. When I mentioned Vicoden he told me that after taking them even 2x's a day over an extended period of time your body gets used to the narcotic, and like you heard on the thread just like lack of caffein when withdrawn you get what is called a rebound headache. I suggest you talk to your Dr. about this. If all previous tests were neg. ask him for a vascular constrictor (caffregot) or drink lots of cola and coffee or take some caffeine pills. Bet it makes it better, Good luck, let me know.....Susan
Please don't do the oxy's. That is why I am on methadone. I am now in the process of tapering methadone. I was at 80mgs at my highest and am now at 20. Methadone was the way for me, but I know it is not for everyone. I am going through some bad times now so I can't post much. But I wanted to tell you to please try to taper and use Thomas's recipe. It can be found somewhere on the board. It will help alot. I remember you all in my prayers and thanks for the help. A special thanks to you Thomas for shareing your knowledge.
Oh my gosh, don't start taking oxys. Just because a person has a medical degree, doesn't mean they have good common sense.
Always keep in mind that there are drs who graduated on the top of their class, and good doctors at heart, and those who were at the bottom of their class, still earned a degree, but possibly money-hungry and their heart was never in it!!!!
I would strongly suggest that you find a doctor who is willing to work with you to wean down on the methadone. You shouldn't have to drive 45 miles to get methadone, look into finding a dr who is willing to work with you with weaning down on what you are already addicted too. This doctor is only looking for your money, please don't fall into that trap!!! There are honest doctors out there that will be willing to HELP you!!!!!! Trust us all on this one... and don't fall for it!! You are too important to just be a pawn in their games!
Do some research and you will find us to be honest and true in our advice!
I can't believe what I am reading! Methadone is JUST as bad as oxycontin in the addictive sence. I can tell you from experience that oxy's should not be messed with in any way shape or form! PLEASE DO NOT START TAKING OXY'S!!!
I have a story to tell you guys tommorow about my recent experience with OXYCONTIN/HEROIN/METHADONE...
This is going to take me a long time so please be patient...
I hope that by me telling this story that someone might be helped...
I have been up and down with this addiction thing but my story does have a happy ending...or should I say there really is no end to this story...
Two weeks ago I wrecked my car almost killing the one thing I love in this world...my girlfriend...
Did drugs play a role? Of course they did! Yet I wasn't on them at the time...
One more thing.......Anyone reading this...know one thing! I believe that the people on this board have helped save my life! You guys know who you are...So please, if anyone has a problem, the people here have been through the same **** as you and can help more than you can imagine...
You poor thing, I think you are experiencing some major anxiety from basically 'fear' itself!!!
You may be having some withdrawals, but 1-month later seems a bit late. I think you are feelings some of the things that you may have been masking all along while taking the drugs.
The more you stress about the fear of having caused damage to yourself, the worse it will be.
I feel safe in telling you that you probably have no nerve damage or brain damage from the pills, they just don't work that quickly and especially on such a low dose. It amazing what fear can cause our bodies to feel.
I think you can put your mind to ease in knowing that no permanent damage has been caused to yourself, and that you are basically experiencing a lot of anxiety from the fear of the unknown!
Good for you, getting off of a medication that only causes emotional pain, and heartache.
Can you see a psychotrists or a counselor? I think a little bit of talking to someone to ease all your unanswered questions in my mind will put a lot of your troubles to rest.
Calm down, and take a deep breath, and no that nothing is permanently wrong with you.
You need counseling just so you gain the knowledge of addiction and what may have caused you to fall into it in the first place. Please seek some help for peace of mind, you are in a frenzy of fear and i feel for you, i really do!
Please come back and tell us what you are doing to make yourself feel more at ease!
Thanks to everyone who replied. The dr. who gave me the oxys also told me that I must see a pain specialist. I am on methadone for taking too many percs and darvocets. I have never tried heroin but only because I didn't know anybody who did it.(Not because I'm above it). I want to detox off of the meth and not feel any discomfort since I want to come off as quickly as possible. Like I said before, my husband will hold on to these so I don't over do it. I guess I didn't make it clear to the dr. that I want off of everything. He wants me to see a specialist for my ongoing back pain from a car accident two years ago. Will I be addicted after taking 40 as prescribed? That's the last thing I want--believe me.
I would like to thank everybody on here. You guy/gals are GREAT. I think you all are right, I probably have some kind of anxiety disorder. I will seek Psychiatric help at once and get back to you all about how it's going. Drugs and life can be rough and rocky, there has to be people out there to help you be the bulldozers. Thanks again.
No, not yet, i'm still be a stubborn woos!!!
I work for a company who's main factory is out in California, this is the eastern region sales office based in Florida and it's mainly me here.
My husband returns on the 6th of August i believe. Either the 6 or 7, and i'm scared, but i'm anxious too!
Hope you are well!
Wow, he sounded fantastic today!!!!
They upped his sleeping meds, he's taking seraquill, a relatively small dose to help him sleep. Does anyone know anything about this med?
His main trigger is not being able to sleep, and waking up and grabbing a beer. He still woke a few times, but was able to get back to sleep right away! :)
He sounded wonderful this morning, talking very quickly, and very aware and so very much 'there'!
His high iq of 150 is starting to show through all fog that is quickly lifting with each passing day. He asks me things like how is my car (i'm having trouble with something on it), but he actually remembered. Also, questions about the kids, he is remembering everything. I'm not used to that, i lived in a relationship with him where it would be in one ear and out the other, he was in a fog! I actually have a partner again, one that i might be able to count on to help me or actually, for us to do things together for our family, finances, and household chores! :) Could this really be true????
Please let me know if anyone is familiar with this medication!
Oh, Jenny, I'm so happy for you and the new and improved husband. Not to take anything away from your husband, I sense that you have a pretty high IQ yourself for seeing all that has changed in him lately. It's nice having him "there for you" again, isn't it? Now if the two of you could start vibrating at the same frequency, what music you could make! J.B.
Hi Thomas, and i thank you for your research.
Yes, i was aware that it is used as a antipsychotic drug, but in much larger doses. They are giving this medication to him to aid in his sleeping, another effect that this drug has. They can't give him most drugs because they are addictive, so they are left with a limited number to work with.
At the small doses that he is taking, they are helping with his sleeping, although, he didn't like the effect he felt today when he wanted to go workout a bit, he just plain didn't feel like it... not like him lately! We are hoping that eliminating the alcohol from his 'diet' will, within itself, enable him to sleep much much better than he has in years. Once his sleep pattern is established, and the chemicals are fully out of his system, he is hoping to leave this medication back at rehab along with everything else. He wants to be 100% free of all chemicals, including antidepressants, etc. that he was prescribed last time around. If anything, he suffers from anxiety, but is hoping to learn to handle this in other ways other than drugs!
Say No To Drugs!!!!!!! :)
Thank you again!
Thank you both for your encouragement!!!
The future is looking better and better with each passing day, and i feel my habits getting closer and almost reachable!!!
The future's gonna be so bright, we're all gonna have to wear shades!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so happy for you it sounds as if things are great with your husband now we have to work on the two of us! My husband is doing the right thing by not pressuring me to call a therapist so I want to do it I have a feeling if he was I am so stubborn I wouldn't do it! I am here to help I willl write later!!
I was reading about what Thomas had to say about the anti-psychotic drug for treatment. During severe withdrawal especially alcohol and benzos, you cannot take enough meds to counteract the withdrawal without shutting down your breathing system. So there are going to likely be seizures, hallucinations and psychotic behaviour regardless of the treatment.
The anti-psychotic will stop some of the hallucinations and violent behaviour.
When I detoxed just from alcohol I refused the anti-psychotic but had to be restrained for violent outbursts. I didn't even know the people there I was threatening to kill all of them, I was a complete and utter maniac. I am surprised they hired me after all of that but I am relatively normal now that I am off the booze for 1 and 1/2 years. I am not hostile or violent at all now.
detox from alcohol and benzos make you crazy for up to 10 days. They really are drastic, that is why I harped so heavily on [Frank] not trying out-patient detox, because once you go into the DELIRIUM TREMENS, you don't know what you are doing and could hurt someone or yourself. Good luck I hope you hubby's doing better. You feel like tearing down the walls and like you are going to eplode from the inside out, and the damn violent shakedown after shakedown after shakedown. You are begging to die by that time. You have to have a strong heart to take that, that's why in-patient is so pertinent.
I hope this traumatic detox will help him realize what will happen if he even touches the stuff again, ecen a little. It has to nothing forever or the brain will react to that old MESSANGER DEEP INSIDE.
I'll be praying for you and everyone else here on this forum. We already miss yah [Wiz].
[Jbear and bijou] hello my friends, I wanted to say something but I don't have time tonight I am so tired, I'll talk some tomorrow. Have a good day and say prayers for those that are really suffering in detox whether it be in or out.
Thank you all for your comforting words, and i'm glad, through all this madness, that i've helped a bit in your pain you've been experiencing!
I sent my husband a 'love' card, and he told me tonight, that i'm getting mushy in my old age. I want to have a wonderful, healthy life together with him. I'm getting closer, i can feel it. I will begin my taper, like i did while visiting family first week of June. That was bearable, and i think by the time i returned home, i was about ready to drop a dose. I think i can handle everything this way, and also be able to stop for good. I just can't do the cold turkey thing. But i have to be very strong in order to have self control. I will push myself to get out of bed in the morning, push to get to work, push to get the kids off and on their way, and most of all, push for a healthy new lifestyle!
I was happy once before without drugs, and i know i can have that again. These drugs cause too many ups and downs, although i've pretty much been able to take as much as i wanted to avoid that, but i never do. I make myself wait until noon time before i take anything. I don't want to make it too easy on myself, so i've always let myself suffer a little. I don't know if that's courage, or just stupidity, or what i should call it. Maybe just a little sense of security knowing that i haven't let myself get into a wake up, pop a pill phase, never have. But i feel like **** in the morning, almost out of my head. I feel like the world is spinning around me at times, and i can't keep up.
Really bad news tonight... My younger sister called tonight and her husband is drinking again, real bad. He had been seeing a therapists, but has never gone to a detox or a rehab. I knew back then because he didn't have a program, that he would slip again, and it's happened. He walked out on his job today, and drank himself into a state where he came home, and she thinks he dunked his head in the toilet bowl! My sister and he have a 10-month old baby, and they were getting ready to close on a house they are going to have built. She won't tell my parents what's going on (she lives 5-miles from them). They are going to see his therapists tomorrow, and he suggested detox. I suggested a 28-day program, he must have a program. Her insurance won't pay for anything other than the detox. He has some well off siblings, so i suggested to her that she tell them what's going on. She is about ready to throw him out, but doesn't think she has it in her. She can put the closing aside for now, good, and will talk to the therapists in more detail tomorrow. I told her do whatever you have to to get him into rehab. Then, if he fails after that, it's up to her on what she wants to do. A person can only take so much. I told her to make it clear to him that if he messes up once more, he's out!!!! She said, but what will her son do without a father. Her son doesn't need a father who can't control his drinking, he would be better off. She is so scared and it tore me up to feel her pain... but i will stick by her through all of this.
I can take things happening to me, but not my sweet little sis, this really hurts!!!!!!
BTW, my brother-in-law was severly abused as a child by his father. All his sibling were sexual abused by him, boys girls it didn't matter. He has so much pain inside and anger, he needs a lot of help learning how to deal with his anger inside and all his inner pain.
I will say a prayer for them tonight, and please, if you could add them to your prayers also, i would appreciate it so very much. Their names are Amy and John and their baby is Jonathan!
.....You and Thomas were the first ones to respond to my post back in January. You two coached me through some difficult decisions. I am here for you too. I'll check my email from time to time.... there is no rush, just email me when you have some spare time. Hopefully, I can help.
I'm praying for you, Jenny! I wish I had a magic wand that would give you what you need right now! Anxiety is a killer state of mind to be in and I'm actually glad you took something to ease your discomfort. I'm talking to you as an addict and not as a book pounding recovering addict. Believe me, better days are coming soon! I've asked all the questions that you are asking now, and all I can say is pray to God. The answers will come from inside your soul when they are most needed. J.B.
I'm just feeling stranger and stranger by the minute these days. I'm having a hard time coping with what i need to do each day, each minute is getting harder and harder, and i haven't even stopped the drugs yet, what will THAT be like!!!!????
I feel like i am getting more and more out of control, unable to control my feelings, and my actions anymore. I am scared to death, i know this!!! I am trying to hide this from my husband when he calls, he has enough to worry about. Meanwhile, i have an 8-year old who is always looking for attention, a fisty 5-year old who never seems happy with anything you do for him, and an adorable 1-year old, who needs my constant care!
I have no one to help, no one to talk to (besides you guys), all i want to do is lay in bed and put the covers over my head and hope it will all go away, but i have to go to work. Lately, with two daughters and this is getting difficult!
I'm so scared because i don't feel in control anymore, what is going to happen when i quit the drugs? I'm going to have to be taken away in a straightjacket!
This isn't one of Jenny's 'easyfix' solutions to the world, it's not going to work like that and i'm scared. I would get my butt to a meetings, but i don't want to bring the girls!
My 8-year old would have 1 million questions, and i'm not ready or well enough to answer them right now!
What the hell did i get myself into!
Lastly, the antipsychotic drug my husband is taking is solely for the purpose of sleeping. Small doses works well with aiding sleeping patterns. He is doing fine otherwise, completely out of withdrawals and feeling better and better each day. He is happy with his new found freedom from drugs, and i hope that he only remembers what it's like on the other side, and how hard it was to make it through! These are things that should never be forgotten!
Jenny you listen hard to what J.B. has said. J.B. you are right on. It comes from inside deep in the heart for sure.
Jbear and Wildcat thanks for missing me! It's nice to feel wanted :-) I hope all is well for you both. There is so much to catch up on here. I really missed everyone too. I never quit thinking or praying for you all on the forum for sure.
Jenny, I'm back to you girl. You keep striving for that light and pay attention to my e-mails. God Bless you all and keep you.
Power & Magick 2 u all,
Peace & Light on us 4ever,
Jenny I've been thinking about you and sending positive energy your way. It is so strange..we've never met, but knowing you're struggle is helping me with mine.
I need some help here....
I need help with some guidelines for myself in taking the meds. I have a high degree of pain, when the meds wear off it is at 7 to 8, and the Doc says the surgery I had produces pain reduction at around 4 to 6 months post op. I had the surgery June 4, so am close to halfway to the healing point.
When I first started posting, I really thought I could bear the physical pain, and really wanted to be free of this addiction.
But now I am finding it very very hard to manage the pain, and don't think this is the right time to completely go off them.
So, how do I stay in integrity with myself here? How do I wrap my head around taking the meds also knowing that I am an addict?
Every time it is time to take them, I face the temptation to take one or two more than I am supposed to. Yesterday I did fine until my nighttime dose, when I took 4 instead of 2. ::thwap
I am begining to understand how food addicts feel, when they obviously can't abstain from food.
help! Gods, I wish I didn't love the feeling. Why can't I be one of the people who hates the way opiates make them feel? I'm trying to stay honest here. I have had to delete two paragraphs that I started to write, that contained lies...I can't let myself lie to you guys. I need you too much.
You know, you ask some pretty good questions about pain meds. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. As time goes on, the tolerence builds and pretty soon you are self medicating instead of following Dr's orders. I live in constant dread of upping my dose because I know there would be no end to it.
Out of respect for my physician, I have not asked for early refills. I just tell him everything is fine during visits and let him call the shots. My meds have been rewritten a few times, but it was his call. I just answer the questions honestly.
Remember that using more than the perscribed amount is just stealing from yourself. I'm guilty of doing this and have to pay by detoxing for several days until refill time comes. Not pleasant at all! Being on pain meds long term is not pleasant when you come right down to it. It takes a lot of restraint and responsibilty for your intake. If you are truly an addict, it can drive you crazy! Sure, I could probably be on Oxy Contin right now but I would probably be dead, shortly.
I don't really think that I have helped you out much here, but at least it gave me an opportunity to get real with myself! J.B.
You have helped JB...the "stealing from yourself" concept is one that I will use to help me fight the temptation to take more than I am supposed to.
I've narrowed my struggle here into the following phrase:
What constitutes "recovery" for an addict who needs narcotics for chronic pain?
Everyone's posts, your included, are helping me formulate an answer here. I'm lead to believe that in my current situation, recovery will be a state based on my motivation when I take my pills, being honest with myself about how much I need given the level of pain, and following my Doctor's instructions.
This is easier said than done I'm sure. And dang, I'm still kicking myself for abusing these meds...if I hadn't, I could take half of what I currently need to handle the pain.
I need to create a new relationship with the pain pills, at least until my pain decreases to a level where I can manage it without meds. IDET's (the procedure I had done) usually give 50% pain relief, sometimes more, and sometimes they fail. We'll see.
I really value you all. It helps so much to have a place where I can be honest without being condemned.
You remind me so much of myself. You are so caring about everyone else and that's how we are able to not think about ourselves and what we need because we don't really want to see whats there. I really feel for you in your situation but now is the time for Jenny to do what's best for Jenny. I have one 6 year old daughter and I couldn't bear to go inpatient so I went to intensive outpatient therapy. I weaned down off of the drugs with the help of my husband who held them for me. (I know that part is not an option for you.) I did go through withdrawls at home but we had someone from his or my family take care of my daugter on a daily basis until I got better. Yes, we had to let my family know but guess what--they were already suspicious. You know--it's the secret that everybody knows but you. I had no idea that it was so obvious. I thought it made me happier, more social etc., etc. After you do what you need to for you will be so happy--and probably wished you had done it sooner. Remember once everybody knows it will be easier for you to know you can't slip now--people will be watching.LOL. Seriously, please take care of you--the world (and us at this board) couldn't manage without you.
I am feeling better now, of course, because i took a 1/2 a loracet. I actually feel 'normal', and able to cope with everything again.
My question is, how long will i feel bad after stopping the medication? When i'm in withdrawal, the whole world looks impossible to face, and i can't even do the simplist of tasks. It might as well be pitch-black outside, because i don't see any sunshine while in w/d. How long will it be before the sun comes back out, and i start to feel 'normal' without the pills?
I think my husband has reached that point, but i can't say for sure, so i wanted to run this by you guys!
One thing i plan to do is to go back to church when i get off of these dam pills... i'm going to go with my two oldest children, and my husband can stay home with the baby if he wants to, or go with me, that would be great.
Our church is just around the corner, and the father there is so wonderful!!! Plus, i know some people (from my kids' schools), and i would love to become closer to people who are spiritual and well!
I know i should go now, but i feel unworthy! Once i clean up, i can hold my head high with pride, not high with being high!
Thanks sweetie, and i know in my heart that is the rigth thing to do.
the hub is sounding a little more shaky today, and that his scaring me real bad!
This whole thing, all the way around, is going to take some doing!
Wish us luck!
...jb jb jb jb.....how are you these days?? I think i read somewhere that Marty had those treatments. I know this is a stupid question, but I'll ask anyway...... how is she? Truly? You listen to all of our problems.... ya know we are here for you too. It's been a long time since you've unloaded. So, I've noticed. Look forward to hearing from you.
How are things going for you today? I'm sending you positive energy, and lots of that "unconditional care" :-)
These are indeed hard, hard times...
Among all the huge challenges is the sneaky self condemnation. I don't even realize I'm doing most of the time, and sometimes need to have it pointed out, and sometimes still I don't believe it.
Let's be gentle with ourselves along the way, and redirect the self hatred toward hatred of the addiction.
So far today I'm doing well. Two doses and I only took what I'm supposed to, but was way tempted. It is the nighttime that is my biggest trigger, that is when the temptation is hardest.
Do you have specific triggers?
Since you asked for direct feedback, I'll tell you what I think, and don't worry, I won't yell at you ;-)
I'm saying this to you as a fellow addict, not as a shrink, though this is my personal as well as professional opinion.
I think that in this situation, being honest with your husband about the fact that you are tapering is the way to go. Holding it secret gives your addiction an edge over your recovery. I think that hiding it will keep you stuck in a cycle of guilt and shame, as well as making it easier to continue using.
That is my two cents. But..I want to ask you...did you ask yourself the question "Does hiding it from him support my addiction or does it support my recovery"? Listen to your gut reaction to that question.
Your husband is responsible for maintaining his own recovery no matter what the outside circumstances are, as you are of creating your own. The truth is just one tool among many that will help you get there.
Also...why wait till you are clean before attending church? That sounds like the shame and guilt running the show. I think that at times like this, when we are brought to our knees by our own fallibility and vulnerability, is when we most need the spiritual support of church, or of whatever spiritual community we have. If we wait till we are "perfect" in whatever way, we give ourselves the message that love is conditional, that in effect, we have to earn what we so desperately need. It is precisely when we are at our lowest point that we need to let spiritual love in. Then, that light can get deep inside and help heal the pain that drives the addiction.
Ok, let me throw this past you guys... i've been screwing up royally since my husband left (well no worse, but no better). I'm going to start my tapering on loracets only, getting down as far as i can without not being able to function. I have to be able to function. I will have already begun my tapering before my husband comes home. I am hoping to get down very very low by the time he comes home, but i don't expect to be off fully. I don't know whether to tell him or not, or just let him know i'm having withdrawals, and keep it at that, and just try to get through it best i can. It's pitiful, but i need him here to be able to do this completely. I can't explain it, and i know that i am risking creating a relaspe for him, and that's the last thing i want to do. I feel so selfish for being like this, i can't explain it even to myself. I WILL NOT BE THE CAUSE OF HIS RELAPSE! He will die if he starts using and drinking again, there's no question.
I just feel like i need him here in order to stop completely, i feel so lost and alone right now. I will go to meetings right away with him, i already found a babysitter.
He is being so strong, and he is so in reality right now, it's really giving me encouragement. Please don't yell at me, i know i'd me yelling at me if i were you guys!
I just need his support right now, and i will support him with every bit that i've got to give.
His mind is so awake right now, i'm not used to him talking so quickly. I feel so lost and sick left behind to fend for myself.
Am i being pitiful or what? I'm so weak i can't believe i haven't been able to beat this thing yet!
I will though, i really will, and i will focus on myself, he needs to focus on himself once he gets home. I almost feel like running away so i don't ruin his recovery.
Now i'm feeling he's too good for me, he will be well, and i'm still sick. Maybe it's too late to be thinking so much, it's just been so very very hard trying to accomplish this while left holding the fort together, trying to work, and taking kids with me, and making sure they are ok, and feeding them on such little money, etc. etc. I need to find some strength quick!
I hear what you all are saying about my being so supportive on this board. It's very easy to say the things needed to help you all out, but actually doing it is another story. That's why i feel so deeply about all of the pain you guys are experiencing. I'm already very emotional, and full of pain, what is going to happen when the numbing stops. Will i fall apart completely, will i still be able to work. Will i loose my job? I afraid that it will get out of control and i won't be able to handle things anymore. The rug will get pulled out from under me and i'm going to just fall apart! Everyone always wondered how i could live like this and still function, well i had a deep dark secret that's why. I'm not so strong, i'm not so couragous, i shouldn't be getting credit for anything, i've been copping out!!!
I NEED him to lean on alittle bit, i don't want to ruin what's he's accomplished, but i can't help it, i need him. We are both very co-dependent on eachother, but we also love eachother very very very much!!! I see that now more than ever!
I just want to 'remove' myself from everything for a little while, wish i could go into a detox for 1 week and just be able to let someone else handle it for awhile... but that's not possible! I WILL DO THIS, I MUST DO THIS, I'M GONNA DO THIS!!!!
If i drop my dosage 5 mg at a time, maybe 5 mg per week or so, how long will it take. Starting at say 20 mg. how long will it take to start feeling normal again?
Thank you for listening, i'm just a mess!
I know just what you mean, when i am in withdrawal, everything starts to turn dark, it's when i am high that i feel 'normal'. I can't wait for the day when the straight time turns back into my world of sunshine again, and the dark time belongs in the past, left behind with my pills of addiction.
My triggers would be withdrawals symptoms of course, but my worst time is when i get home from work, very much in withdrawals by that time, and my need to get everyone dinner, and keep up with the childrens' demands, i quickly run for 'the shelter of the mother's little helper, it gets me on my way, gets me through my busy day'. Even worst, my husband is a very big trigger, but i am hoping, when he returns home, drug-free, that trigger will be gone.
We were both very uneasy when we first met eachother 20-years ago, and alcohol helped us ease into a less-stressful environment at the time... he was very insecure, and i was very shy. We both loved alcohol, and our relationship seemed to be a good fit for both our addictions... But, i am ready to have a relationship with my husband, drug and alcohol free. I know our love for eachother will grow even deeper being out of our numb state of mind. I love him very very much, and he does me too, so i feel confident with our love for eachother, and i hope that triggers will be long gone now!!!
It is good to understand your triggers, so that you will be ready to pull out the 'big guns' during those times of temptation!!! Good luck sweetie!
Marty has been a real sparkplug lately! Her lung tumors have been growing but very slowly. Her doctor wants to go back to the old traditional chemo, but that requires her to be in the hospital for a week per month for six months. She's dead set against that! She went throught that twice in the past. Aside from that, she's in very good health and still working full time.
As for me, I'm having a bad time with my diabetes and will probably need to go on insulin soon. I can't keep my blood sugar level down with the pills anymore.
It's good to hear from you again! Are you doing okay? J.B.
Wren, I have gone to the chat room and you were not there. I don't know what time it was that you posted but I hope everything is okay. I'm praying for youdear.
J.B., my brother, my heart goes out to you and Marty. I have seen a few posts in the past asking about her but never knew the story. She must be a very strong lady and I hope and pray all goes well for you both. My family is just now starting to goe through this with my mother-in-law who is getting ready to start her radiation treatments for the first time. It is such a drain on the body and spirit of everyone involved. I will include Marty and yourself in my prayers for my mother-in-law. God Bless you and your family.
......THis is sooo unbelievable. Marty still works..with all she's going through. Ya know....they say when you stop, and give up, that's when its all over, but she just keeps going. I think thats wonderful, although I know its tough.
JB... You, too have sooo much on your plate, I don't know how you two hold it together. Just really unbelievable. SO your medication is not working. What can be done, if anything about that.....??? What does the doctor say? Keep us posted, we do care, ya know. Sometimes it helps to vent a little......I'm sure you've heard that a million and one times...LOL So good to hear from you..... I'm doing ok.
Love, and a best wishes
First J.B.,I didn't know your wife was ill. I'll call her by name in my prayers.How have you been feeling? What I've been going through is small potatoes to your needs. You are indeed a good person to of concerned yourself with my health with yours and your wifes problems. God bless you both.
Now Jennyfla. My friend, when I read what your going through I admire your courage to share it all here. But please,don't thnk God wants you to wait untill your worthy to go to church. He wants you just as you are hon. The people in church are not worthy. Just forgiven. You don't have to be in church for that.God knows your heart. From what I can tell, it's a good and kind heart in need.We all have our demons hon. You may find more strength by going to church.I do.I was in such pain today but I made myself go to church. I enjoyed it so much. But if we all wait untill we're worthy to go , the church would be empty. You can be assured that God knows you love Him. Don't think of yourself as being unworthy. I have a disease Jen that God alone can cure. You too have an illness Jen. You don't want to be an addict. We all know that. You alone with God can be healed and I know you will be. Go in that church Jen and hold your head up high. Your going to make it girlfriend. Your in my prayers.
Thank you sweetie, your words are very kind! :)
I'm overloaded lately with keeping up with my three childrens' demand! They never seem to be happy or satisfied with anything. My husband is returning home next week, and he is making me so nervous the way he is giving me the third degree about my usage! He's afraid for me, and afraid for himself, i know! :(
I'm gonna beat this thing!
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