Is life any better

[tttrrra]

The answer should be obvious, but it isnt. I feel depressed, i feel bored, i feel tired, i feel stressed and i feel alone, but im not using drugs. I will be 3 months clean this Wednesday, Life hasnt been different being clean. I work, I worked when i was using - maybe too others i am different. I am not sure, there isnt many "others"
The motivation to be clean was to prove i could do it my way, and since i stopped Ive had to drug screens twice a week and random since the start of the year (i started doing these when i stopped). Without these tests i dont think i will stay clean. The tests are going to finish soon. I can start using again. No one really knew when i was using anyway, so i will beable to get away with it....there are risks.
The reason i want to use is for energy. I am always tired. I can sleep all day and night and im still tired. I am self employed but motivating myself to sit at the computer is hard when i dont do drugs. When i use drugs i can sit there all day and night. Other reasons are i feel sad, lonely, and ive put on weight...Reasons not to use are my 4 kids...but my kids are asking why you always tired dad or why you in bed dad. Get up.

[jerry4664]

great to see you made the decision to quit.. I remember you from way back your posts were all over the place not much of what you wrote made sense atleast now most of us understand you so what is your question?  I have to say that becoming a drug addict did not happen in 30-60-90 days so getting back to you will take time and being happy allday is hard no matter who you are or where you are so don't think that being clean and sober is some magic thing but what it is to each of us is different and you need to find your place.. gaining weight big deal get some exercise and let natural endorphins fill that void get away from your PC and the BED take your kids outside in the sun eat and ice cream or ? but feeling negative about being clean as a reason to use drugs is crazy .. being able to sit behind a PC all day high who cares !! working from home high all the time does not get you a trophy it just makes you a drug addict that can use a PC so do yourself a favor and get a more positive outlook  hug your kids smile for a while get with some positive people and before ypou know it things will get better you have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself.. do the right thing..

[gnarly_1]

Hi......look dude from all your past posts your a addict threw and threw  this is a brain disorder the drugs are only a symptom  like all diseases it needs to be treated....now you can cuntue on ''white knuckling'' it  or you can get some help  being clean does not have to be miserable you can work a program and have a amazing life like many of us here do....but nothing changes if nothing changes  time to swallow some pride and get to a N/A meeting.........Gnarly

[meegWpaw]

I'm not the 'Pusher Man' or nothing lol and by no means do i want to advance that tired debate '12 step or not'.  sometimes.(a lot of times)  I don't even like 12 step!  I just feel at this point that I will grab up *whatever * might even serve as a shred of help for me.  I got to this point only through repeated relapse and subsequent struggle and pain.  I'm not here to oppose or endorse ... just to promulgate the idea that 'it takes a village ' to stay clean and u gotta use every single member and part of that village available.

.02

[brownvelvet]

i got to three months just to prove I could...and i gto fat so iwent back on tramadol and lost weight...had more energy everyone felt i was in a better mood...because no one knows....i dont do NA or AA I dont believe in a higher power. I believe I will quit when I dont want to depend on a pill to feel better....it is harder to quit when the consequences of  using are not so obvious....but remember drugs change your brain and you are not the same person you once were...you are not the real you on drugs...i want to be me...lots of people push meetings on here but they dont work for everyone...and they dont work at all unless you really want it...i find three months a hard time....good luck

[meegWpaw]

i remember you, t, and wow can i relate.  i had a year clean and i just relapsed, now i have about 22 days or something ... my d.o.c. was Vicodin / opiates.  I have struggled for SO long with the questions you bring up, as well as many of the issues.  vicodin _does_ give me amazing energy (still), and i have considered it my only true friend / lover for many, many years.  im still straddling the fence tbh, but most of the time i am very sure.  you're right.  i worked, i did all the same stuff when i was using as now when im clean.  hardly anyone (unless you count Domino) ever knew when i was using, at least irl.  which is something ... but it really doesn't amount to anything.  the answers are all within *you* ... *you* have to want to be clean, stay clean, lead a clean life.  you're right.  it can be boring.  it can be similar to when you're using, and it can be your friend.  but most of the time i really am happier, definitely more sane (and thats saying something, for me), more balanced, and more peaceful when i am clean.  although i perform extremely well under the influence or not, i find i am a lot sharper, more organized, memory is better, just a more functioning intellect in general, which being in writing and education is quite important to me.  i've put on weight too;  i'm tired a lot.  but now i rest and i sleep.  i try to be in acceptance of what i can *really* do not what i can do on drugs.  because i can do a lot of damage on drugs too.  jif, is right ... 12 step is SO powerful, even for the non believer (lol).  it has helped me tremendously.  keep posting for support.

[jifmoc]

Wow, you are good at avoidance. Let me be direct.

What is it that you are looking for on this forum so we can help you? You came on here today for a reason. What is that you need?

Why are you refusing to get into a program?

[tttrrra]

I have also been on effexor for the past 9 years - Daily dose - 450mg. The last 4 weeks ive been trying to come down and off that as well. I felt that made me sleepy/lethargic/manic prior to relapsing into hard drugs and contributed to weight gain. I didnt see it beneficial other than filling the drug addiction void. Im a contradiction. I dont make sense to myself. Im not sure i really even know what i want. Not knowing me is a reason ive used drugs. im not confident to be me and drugs are my friend-im clean..i cant let go.

[jifmoc]

Hi, I knew I recognized your name, I went back to previous posts to make sure. Every person who answered you last time, told you the same thing, to go to aftercare, NA or AA and throw yourself into it. Do 90 meetings in 90 days. This was spelled out to you. I don't know what it will take for you to help yourself. The folks on this forum can't make you go. But we can tell you that w/o getting your butt into a program, you will continue to feel like this.

You can continue your way, and feel like hell and go right back to using or you can keep doing it your way. Those are your 2 options. Btw, I noticed you didn't ask a question. What is it that you are looking for?