It shouldn't be this hard..should it?

[dreamin]

I read all of these post everyday, every moment, and it makes me wonder.  Why is this so hard, I know the reality is ..it just is.  But sometimes I see the suffering here and I want to cry out...

We really do help each other here..I forget for a moment about my own demons when I see yours..

thank you for that..

sheila

[neeshysman]

It's a trip isn't it?

It really is this hard.

Blah.

[puma]

Chezz,

I am glad to hear you are finally getting the treatment you need. I have a feeling it will provide the miracle you need to rid yourself of the pain you have dealt with for soooo long.

I will be praying for you that everything goes well and that the docs have all the wisdom they need to successfully bring you back into the world of pain free living. I love your posts, they are some of my favorites, and most inpirational on this forum. I hope to hear your posts soon and hear the news of your recovery from surgery.

On a lighter note, you are right that pets are often addicts children. I have ten cats and two dogs. Both dogs are 12 years old. A few of my others have already passed away of old age.

Anyway, good luck and have strength. In my alleged native language, some type of Indian language that came back to me after a seizure a couple of years ago, and took six months to develop the memory fluently; when I was in the deepest DT'S this past February, and really thought I was a dead duck, I just kept repeating over and over in my delirous mind,- spelling? (shig-ah-na-maw'-naw-taw.) Which was supposed to mean (We must all have strength.)

I believe you have it and God can help give it to you if you pray for it as well. Get well soon!

Chatahan

[A.B.]

Thank you for responding, It has been a very hard week. Everything with college, the ammount of work and sorting out University application which is very scary! I have posted here before a few years ago. I thought I was on top of things, but as many of you probably know with chronic pain things go wrong very quickly. I not sure whats happening, i've been taking the Morphine for 1 year 18 months, so looking at other peoples doses of opiates i havent increased it a great deal, I started at 80 mg a day but weather and stress has a massive impact on the amount of pain. Maybe I should have my eye removed but as there is still useful sight I really want to avoid that.

Maybe i'm lucky, so many people here are struggling with addiction and you can see the determination to succeed. I'm pretty sure I'm not addicted, I take only enough Morphine to keep things bareable and no more. My prescriptions last 1 month as they should unless like recently the pain is more severe than usual. I have been taking opiates for years, ever since I was 15 and I'm 20 now, so I think i'm pretty tolerant to the drugs. Morphine has been the only thing I have found that has ever worked. Apart from Cannabis which I don't like doing.

The pain is still bad but tonight I took 60 mg of ir morphine which has helped. I know methadone, hydromorphone or oxycodone are options, i'm scared of taking strong opiates, i'm scared that people will find out and pressure me into giving them some. Very few people know I have chronic pain and hardly anyone knows that I take Morphine. Its hard as no one I no understands and I don't have anyone to talk to. Sorry to go on so long, don't give up

A.B.

[athena]

Hello and welcome .Im really feel bad for the pain you are going through.It must be difficult to try to deal with so much.I was wondering if you have talked with your doc about the pain and the meds not working as they should.Maybe he could switch you to another type of pain med. that you are not as tolerant of.A lot of people here are going through the same thing as you,living with chronic pain,trying to find the right med and addiction on top of that.There are a lot of great people here that may be able to give you some ideas on how to cope.Sometimes,just knowing your not alone,makes a big difference.I wish you luck.Keep posting.

pixi

[Chezz]

Well I just got back from my Dr. appt.

The drive was h$#@%. My leg went numb after about 5 min. Then the shooting pain was out of hand. I did take extra medicine then. By the time I got to her office all I wanted to do was lay down.

They did get me to a room pretty quick, and I didn't have to wait to see her too long. (the receptionist did confirm that sometimes it is a wait of an hour or more) So I told her I will bring a towel and lay down in the waiting room if I have to wait more than 10 min. I can't sit very long before the pain starts coming.

I did have to do all the tests again. That hurt sooo bad. But I know she has to see and record the stuff in my records. I just hate having to do them because it hurts so bad, and I knew I had to drive 40 min. home.

My worst fears came true. She thinks I will need surgery. I broke down at that point. I just didn't want to hear it. I don't know what I expected. But to hear that really scared me.
I have to go have another scan done too. This one will be more precise. I forget the name. Then she will be able to see if doing epidurals will even help. She knows I have a "nerve impengement", she will find out how bad with this new test.

We also got to talk about the medicine. She explained that it is half my responsibility to take it right and not to take more without telling her. So that felt good. We also talked about how I stopped taking it a couple times. How I didn't like the feeling of being a "drug addict". She said she won't treat me like that if I work with her. Then I told her about my pain doc a couple years ago, and the relationship I had with him. He helped me with my pain and I was honest with him.
She put me on oxycontin. She said she wants to start out with a small dose and work from there. So I got it filled and took 2 of them. So far it has worked great. Alot better than the percocet. Because the percocet comes on strong, and then wears off. I haven't "felt" it, but my pain is a LOT better. I am allowed 3 every 12 hours. So I took 2 instead. I want to take the least I can, without having too much pain. I am just thankful I HAVE pain relief. I am not going to f$#% that up. I am too tired of dealing with the pain.

I also find out why the shot at the emergency room didn't take care of the pain. My body doesn't have an enzyme that helps metabolize morphine. That is also why I was in so much pain when I had surgery last time. Pretty neat that I found that out.

So overall it was a very good appt. I found out alot.

I am scared though too. I sat in my truck and cried while I was waiting for my medicine. I am just so scared that I might have to have surgery. I know it is the best if that is what it is going to do to take care of the pain. I just never thought that would be the answer.

I just wish it would go away.
Chezz

[A.B.]

Sorry, to break into this, I have posted on this board before a couple of years ago, it is not concerning addiction but chronic pain. Over the last year my pain has been pretty well controled with MST and Sevredol (controlled release & immediate release Morphine Sulphate). Over the past week, the pain has become unbearable, I cannot sleep at night, am so tired I can't do anything (am at college and studying A levels in the UK, hoping to go to University). However hard I try I cannot concentrate, I am blind and at a mainstreem college so keeping up with everyone is hard normally.

Don't know whether it is the pain or the tolerance to the morphine (am taking between 120 mg and 250 mg a day). If this carries on I will not be able to finish this year. I feel very, depressed and have real thoughts of suicide. No one knows only my girl friend, but I don't want to scare her. She knows that I have severe pain but not how it's effects. Really don't know what to do. Sorry this is so vague but I cant concentrate at all, the pain level is at about 9+ despite the Morphine Thank You.

[Chezz]

I am not sure what your question is referring to. I write so much it is hard to remember.
Chezz

[GOD]

I think it's wonderful that you've found this forum and COME BACK TO POST! This forum has been an incredible help to me and MANY others. I'm curious about your medical condition, AB. You mentioned that you are blind- So naturally, I wonder about your access to this forum. Does your girlfiend read the forum to you, OR are you provided with a Voice-reader type program for your internet access? (where I work, there are two PC users with disabilities warranting a computer program that "Talks" to them to help them fulfill their assigned job requirements without them needing "Help" from other employees. It is really a very freeing feeling for both of the employees that I mentioned..)

Anyway, I'm just curious, so please post back! We are glad to have you as a member.

JesseSarpy

[peaz]

Hi guy-- When you get back from the doc, let us know what happened and what WILL happen w/ your treatment.  Hope to God you get some relief, and that the car ride didn't do you in.
  You forgot to elaborate on the first part of your e-mail to me yesterday.  Know what I mean?  If you feel like typing later, fill me in.
  The other matter is out of my hands, I guess.  Peace--Peaz

[percsnomas]

...or a 'body-bender' video.
GOOD LUCK TODAY

[Chezz]

I FEEL the same result. It is pressing on my nerve root, which is giving me the numbness, in the lower part of my leg. I also still have the shooting pain down my thigh's. 1-10 10 being when it is down both legs and I can hardly walk. it is a medicated 4-5. No meds - a 7. Later in the morning - an 8.

The F#@$%$@#% real bumber is that I have an appt. this morning and have to drive 35-40 minutes to see my new doc. NOT too HAPPY about that. I know the numbness will be in full force after about 5 min. I am just unsure of the pain. I haven't driven with this new pain.
I guess I will try and put it on cruise cont. and hope for the best.

That is why my post was a little out a whack. I have got to get ready to leave NOW.  ;)  I am always late.
Actually I am a little scared to drive. Plus I know it will hurt my back. That, and I hate seeing anyone new. They always want to do the tests. Put your leg here, now try and bend over and see if you can look between your legs, what is behind you??!!?!?!? just be facetious. But I hate it.
I am waiting for one of them to have a twister board in the office. ;0
Chezz

[percsnomas]

Jessica: See what i mean(very good post Chezz)


Chezz: How's that pulpated disc today? 0-10 scale. Whats the difference between pulpated and protruding. Is it same result--compression of nerve strucures?? I've had L5-S1 done twice(from herniations, one sequestered) but i have a fairly severe 4-5 protrusion, that is why i ask.

[Chezz]

Jessica,

I remember your the post of your cat vividly. I too have lost pets. We also do not have any "real" kids. Our pets have always been them. They are a part of us and very big part of our lives.

As you have found out. Addicts are not dirty. You can't point them out in a line-up. They are US.

I am sorry to hear of your financial situation. It seems to just add to the dissarray in our lives sometimes.

I have always accepted everyone in my life. Addict or not. Smart or dumb. Cute or ugly. Those are just WORDS. PEOPLE are the basis and backbone of LIFE. Sometimes I feel that people that have lived the hardest lives have the most to offer. They have been through so much, and obviously have still coped.

Life is too short to judge.

I thought money would change my life. I thought if I finally "made it", that somehow I could leave all of the hurt, the pain, the shame, the anger...behind. Of course it never would.

I have now embraced all of those things in my life. When I accepted that they are a part of me, I finally felt WHOLE.

I am still ashamed, scared, hurt, and lonely. I too have had those thoughts of suicide.  

Until you can FORGIVE YOURSELF, you will always have those thoughts in your head. They will come back everytime something happens in your life that is "too much" for you.

Until you ACCEPT YOURSELF, and love you for you, they will be hiding around the corner waiting for you to let them back in.

I am still learning everyday.

Life is going to continue on its path. We can't change that.

We can change how we let it affect us.

For today, I love me for me. I love the person I am trying to become. I love the person I am now,  I accept me for me.

You have so much to offer the world. You have been through things some people can't even fathom. You have an inner strength that some can only hope for.

You are a survivor.

You have LIFE to offer the world.

Chezz

[percsnomas]

Welcome to the group!!
Firstly, sorry for the loss of one of your 'furry ones'....we've had lengthy discussions on this forum about pets and how incredible they truly are.
The words that rolled off your tongue, that you are apologizing about, i certainly relate as i intimated/iterated a million times over the years, the same idea(about my alcoholic brother-22 years solid drinking); to only find myself dead center of a 12-18 percocet/day habit of 3+ years. I never "understood" or didn't want to... i would just say use your will power.  Boy did those words come back to bite me in the ass.
Volumes of people come here with terrible, seemingly hopeless addictions frequently as a result of horrendous/tragic/traumatizing events of their lives; but with alot of work and support, make it to the other side.
Just reading your story, makes it impossible to NOT be frightened about quitting and bringing back all your pain/grief from your past, but sounds like your taking steps to get your life back.  Unfortunately, that means putting your addiction front and center, as opiate addiction is such a nasty and progressive thing.
You'll get loads of wisdom and support(not to mention phrasing things better than me) from people that have been to hell and back. Please post more about you...WE CARE!!

[Jessica5683]

Good Morning,
Yes, we live pretty close about 40 minutes away. I'm like one minute away from Simi Valley and 5 minutes away from Thousand Oaks. My story..... WOW ok here it goes, were to start, Well first of all my choice of drug is lorcet 10-650 and I take about 12 to 14 a day. I have been taking them for three years and have tried to quit 4 or 5 times and what a pain in the @ss it is as I'm sure you know. Never in my life did I think I would become an addict. It started out innocently due to surgery and the fact I have rhuematiod arthritis and fibromyalgia and a non union facture in my neck. I will admitt but NOT proud at all that I use to believe that people who were addicts were extremly weak people and using to not deal with life or live in reality.  To the day I die I will be sorry for that pathetic judgemental way of thinking. To all that abuse any kind of subsence I'm truely from the bottem of my heart so sorry for my no excuse of thinking. I now know the truth and I don't ever think I will forgive myself for my thoughts before I myself became an addict. What else can I tell you about me? I had a crapy childhood hood. Sever unbelievable abuse for many many years of my life that resulted in me becoming mulitple personality disorder and since I can remember wanting to commit suicide. I was adopted twice and in both families was abused sexually, emotionally, and physically. For all that I went through I turned out pretty good to be honest. Before I started using I was un-happy, planning everday how to take my life, un able to cope with my past so to say, night mares almost every night, huge panic attacks. When I started using Lorcet it seemed to all go away and I loved it. For once in my life my past didn't have my future so to say. One of the BIG reasons I'm scared to quit because of all that coming back. I am in therapy and have a great therapist. My addiction is a secret what means NO ONE except for all you on here and my therapist knows!!!!! I'm 35 married and un happy in marriage which very shortly is coming to an end. We are lossing our house because of to many bills and NOT enough money coming in. I have no kids except for the furry ones in which I just lost one last week : (  Which broke my heart. I guess thats about it. I would love to be there for you if you would like. My e mail is ***@**** if you want to write me. Take care and hope this helps. Hope I didn't offend anyone with my stupidity before I became an addict and again I swear I'm so so so sorry!!!! Love Jessica

[Sean5110]

Boy do I second that! I don't know if you've read above somewhere but there's a poster named Bodymechanic who gives out information regarding a buprenorphine clinic in Baltimore that he started going to a couple of days ago. Well, that is exactly where I started 3 days ago. I mean this place is a tiny hole in the wall place, and here we are nearly starting there at the same time! It was so relieving to see that, just to know that some here is also "here". I asked this person to email if so inclined.

I think I might try to go to an aa meeting tonight. It may be my first and last (I cannot get away from my family responsibilities most nights). I just really feel a need to be with people who understand and can be supportive.

Please let us know how day 17 goes for you.

Sean

[Moxy-oxy]

Jessica-
I think I may live close to you...I live in Sherman Oaks but work in Hollywood...tell us your situation again, because you are a sporadic poster. Sometimes this process gets so isolating that just to know someone is close by that lives in the same hell you do is comforting..

[Sean5110]

Groovy, Thank you for the detail. I was hoping that you would say, "Sean, after 5 days of bup, you'll feel like you would 5 days after stopping cold turkey". I can deal with that, realizing that, by day 5 the worst is very much over and the lethargy and emotions remain. But feeling the effects of bup withdrawal was not something I was contemplating. I guess it's all relative though: this process is a step above cold turkey and for that I'm grateful.

Wardman: Actually, it was only during the last weeks that I was taking that much. It was insanity. I was forging prescriptions. Out of control, you know. It was as if I knew I was going to stop so I was going on a massive splurge. Very dangerous and stupid.

I truly hope you will pick your day 1 and stick to it no matter what and get to that place a few weeks later where you are renewed and refreshed and living a really fruitful life. I know it comes because it has come to me before. Many times. The last was 9 or 10 years ago after a heroine addiction. I never dreamed life could get as good and adventurous as it came to be in the following years. Like an ungrateful brat though, I invited the monster back in last March. I've been wandering in the land of the half-dead ever since and my family and job and spirit have suffered greatly. But today is Day 3 and I am even now at this moment off to the clinic to recieve my bup treatment.

Please keep us all posted. I will say a prayer for your success.

Sean

[groovygirl]

i have gotten that weird taste too...i just figured it was all the chemicals and **** in my body coming out...lots of weird things happen.  do you have a quit date in mind?

[Chezz]

Yes I do know where moorpark is. Never really been down that way though.
Can you do me a favor and let me know your situation again. I have wanted to ask before, but didn't want you to feel like I just "breezed" over your posts.
I am not Superman and can't remember everything. LOL :)
I have searched the archives SOOOOOOOOO much. It gets tiresome sometimes.
Thanks
Chezz

[groovygirl]

hey there - congrats on beginning your new journey toward sobriety...

my personal experience huh?  well, it started approx 3 years ago with intense migraines.  i ran the whole gamut medication-wise and ended up with only pain medications giving me any relief.  needless to say, i got hooked.  it was like opening the door to heaven i thought...man, those opiates made me feel good.  well, i got in deeper and deeper until i knew i had to do something...i was spending too much time figuring out how to maintain my supply, and i was not getting the same feeling from the pills that had originally made me so happy.  i kept taking more and more and had less and less satisfaction.  

finally, i decided to check in to a detox program in the hospital...i detoxed on bup for 4 days, left and relapsed the very next day.  i struggled more for about a month, and then decided to fly to fl to a clinic that specialized in bup detox - on an outpatient basis.  i can home a couple days later with a month's supply - and with the ability to order refills to be shipped to me each month.  i started off ok, but then i started abusing it as well.  months and thousands of dollars later, i am still using it in small amounts.  i have managed to wean down to an almost acceptable amount.  like i said, i have major migraines and need something for the pain - bup works well.

whew... this is the longest post i ever wrote!  in a way, i feel like detoxing with bup is prolonging the inevitable.  but you definitly won't feel as bad as you would without it.  you cannot escape this disease without having some amount of pain...if it were that easy, we wouldn't all be here right?

i hope i've answered some of your questions, and good luck...keep us posted:)

[Wardman]

Sean, are you serious????? 500mgs a day of oxycodone? thats 100 percocets! I hope you feel better soon. I am getting ready to quit my hydro habit again. I have been taking them on and off (mostly on) for years. I also would take perocets, but those are much harder to come by. The funny thing with me is that the frequency that I take the pills has increased, but I have never increased my dosage. 2 vicodin, 1 and a half Vicodin ES or 1 norco. I still have rarely ever taken more in one pop. I have seen myself totally change. I feel awful on pills, I feel awful off pills. However, after a week of not using I always feel much better and I am much happier not using. I always read and feel sad for people who say that they have a void in their life without the pills. I am blessed that after a few weeks, I am much better. However, I do suffer from depression big time and its exacerbated the first 4 days. I am an insomniac and my sleeping sucks to begin with. When I am in W/D, I virtually do not sleep. I also should travel with a toilet bowl attached to my ass, as we all know what happens during WD. Of course, I get it 100 times worse! Anywasy i been lurking and posting sometimes for about a year. I am getting ready to quit again. The anxiety I have from the pills is getting to me, and I have cracked lips from the dry skin. I hate to knwo what my liver is saying. I also hate to go out. I ahev become a recluse and antisocial. All of this because of stupid pills. One symptom, I get about a week after W/D is this bitter metallic taste in my mouth. Has anyone ever gotten this?

[Sean5110]

I was just reading your posts above, responding to bup questions. You said that one can still go through bup withdrawal, even though the medical community says you can't. I'm wondering, since I will be on bup for a total of 5 days, tapering throughout, what might I expect on day 6? Will this be an "oh my God,oh my God" kind of experience, do you think? I've been a bit skeptical about the process being 5 days long and I've expressed that to a nurse who told me that my body truly is detoxing from the opiates during the bup treatment. I'm just not nearly as aware of it. Well, I hope that's true.

On bup I do not notice any type of eurphoria, and energy boost, anything at all, really. My emotions tell me I'm in full withdrawal (on the brink of tears at all times, very melancholy, unstable). But I do hope desperately that day 6 will not crash on me in such a way that I'll be asking, "why did I just prolong my agony for an extra 5 days and just go cold turkey from the beginning?!?"

And I second your advisory regarding staying as far away from bup if you have any opiate in your system. My oh my, do I second that. I had just taken about 150mg of hydro and 24mg dilaudid about 3 hours before my first bup dose (I couldn't return later that evening for some reason to start my first dose at a more appropriate time). The nurse warned me I might get sick. Well, SICK is not the word! It was a hellish nightmare of intense stomach pain (goodbye chronic constipation!) and vomiting, and after the vomiting, dry heaves that nearly force my head off my neck.

But today is different and I just hope I'm not prolonging some unforseen agony.

I appreciate your thoughts on this and would appreciate being reminded (if you've already addressed it) of your personal circumstances.

Thanks so much for your help!

[Sean5110]

I can't believe the intensity of the yearning I feel to wake up one day and not think, "oh no, am I going to make it today? I'm scared. Oh no, please don't let this day begin...."

But I got out of bed, took a shower, dealt with the chaos of a home packed with small children, prayed with the family, told my wife that I love her, put out the trash and drove away waiving furiously (a daily tradition) to my 2nd son as he sat doing the same on the front porch. I am ashamed not to be filled with utter gratitude for that routine.

As I drove to work I broke down in a torrent of tears. I was thinking about so many who depend on me to be their very source of ultimate security. I was thinking of their innocence and my darkness. I was telling God that I was sorry. And I felt in my heart that He was not at all focused on the past, but was reassuring me about a beautiful future.

I need to be more productive at work and I just feel so paralyzed. I literally have had conversations that I've forgotten in which I've agreed to take certain actions, etc. And then I draw a total blank during a status check. I think I am very afraid to try to live up to my potential professionally. I've amassed a bunch of academic qualifications but now is the time to put them to use and I see myself recoiling from the challenge, almost bent on sabotaging the whole process.

At any rate I am glad not to be taking pills today. I'm glad that my thoughts are not drug induced. I'm also glad that my emotions are not drug induced. It's just that, they're intense and filled with melancholy sadness.

I'm so very grateful for you all. You have made these days bearable and have been the catalyst to get me to this third day of sobriety. I came here with a horrid pill habit. I am here today going through the pain of putting that habit aside. But these pains are riches compared with the medicinal synthetic half-smiles of narcotica.

Thank you and please stay.

Sean