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It shouldn't be this hard..should it?
by dreamin, Oct 08, 2002 12:00AM
I read all of these post everyday, every moment, and it makes me wonder. Why is this so hard, I know the reality is ..it just is. But sometimes I see the suffering here and I want to cry out...
We really do help each other here..I forget for a moment about my own demons when I see yours..
thank you for that..
sheila
We really do help each other here..I forget for a moment about my own demons when I see yours..
thank you for that..
sheila
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C'est la vie.
pixi
pixi
pixi
aka/debbie
I put in a call to my doc for prednizone. I can not face pain and family at the same time. lol
Oh, man, you got your nails done? I'm so jealous!
pixi
I hate to see the suffering too. Yet I know without it, there would never be real PEACE.
The balance in life will always prove true.
I hope you are doing alright.
Chezz
I know that peace will come...at least I hope it will.
how is your pain today?
When I saw your post I said a small prayer for you. Desperation, real desperation is such an unbearable condition. The only solution is to know the comfort of someone's care for you. I've said it before and I'll say it now, the moment of leaving drugs behind leaves me like a small child desperately searching for someone to take care of me. Love goes a long way in this synthetic world. To live whole, in loving sacrificial relationships -- I think this is the place of true peace. But that might not help you now. At any rate, I send to you a caring heart, and as I said, a prayer to one I'm convinced cares deeply.
Please don't give up , in, or out.
Sean
pixi
Sorry I had to get a bowl of cereal and put a dvd in the computer. I am watching Changing Lanes. (I have 2 monitors. Split screen)
I was going to say earlier that you sounded a little abstract. Reaching in an odd way. Like I could "feel" why way through your thoughts on paper.
I am still here dealing. Like I told my doc. I am still here. So is the pain. Half of the battle is just getting through the day with the pain. While they are busy working, eating dinner with their families, I am still here with the pain. It doesn't go away, it doesn't take a break. It is mentally and physically exhausting.
I will get through it and always have.
Chezz
I finally was able to see my doctor yesterday, and ask her about a Xanax taper. . .after all of my research, I just DO NOT understand how this drug is legal. My hydro bottles ALWAYS had the following labels: “do NOT stop taking suddenly, consult your doctor, may be habit forming, do not exceed your daily recommended dosage, ect.” but my Xanax bottle only reads “take one pill twice daily!” I think you should be required to sign some kind of “consent” before you are allowed out of the pharmacy with this medication, stating that you are fully aware that you may loose your F**KING mind, if you stop taking Xanax suddenly.
UGH, enough complaining no choice but to deal with it now. My doctor is starting me on a Xanax to Valium taper (1/2 mg of Xanax to 20 mg of Valium). Apparently Xanax is REALLY, REALLY hard to quit, because it only has a 4 to 6 hour half life, whereas, Valium has a 24 to 36 hour half life! I only took the Xanax for 10 freaking weeks, and my taper is going to take about 12 to 16 weeks.
Sean, I am SOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY to hear you are on the road to recovery *mini-wave in celebration of you*!!! In addition, I wanted to wish you a Happy Belated Anniversary! Honestly, I’ve had no issues with hydro cravings, or even mental ****, but then again, I had to face this Xanax addiction, only 10 days after I quit the hydros. SEVENTEEN days clean, and on to my next battle. . .It’s really hard to face waking up, having modest energy, and then taking a freaking drug that makes you tired, sleepy, and lethargic, first thing in the am. I only wish I could just take leave and quit the Xanax cold turkey, but it seems NO ONE recommends that, so I will just have to muddle through this one! I am curious and excited to hear how your detox method worked, once you are over the hump of your addiction!
To the rest of the board, I hope the cross each of you continue to bear, with each passing day becomes lighter and lighter. . .This place is truly unique and an inspiration for so many =))))))
Jenn
have had several surgeries in the knees.I am about a week away from right knee replacement and have been struggling with this collapsed knee for 3 years.I am 44 and first injured it when I
was 16 and playing football in high school.God that was along
time ago.I had the first surgery then and several knee scopes later I have to do something to end the pain.Replacement.
I am at an age where this will be the best thing for me.The replacements last 20 to 30 years now and I think that would safely bring me home.
Hang tuff with the addiction thing.Whether or not you get completely off the drugs isn't what is important,it's getting rid of the addiction mentally.I will need narcotics soon and
I will have a whole new outlook on them now on.Physical addiction
only last a few days or weeks,The mental part is all up to you.
It can go away in a few weeks or it can linger a life time
that's up to you.Good luck to you,I feel for you!!
bmac
I am reaching, but I am not sure what for, i don't know what I need right to now to fight this...
You've developed quite a cheering section on this forum, and frankly that doesn't surprise me. Use their support, and take comfort in their words. In the arms of others you will find the strength that will return in yourself. Congratulations, and Happy Aniversary. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. I don't know if you drink coffee, but that helps me get going in the morning because I can no longer smoke some heroin or snort an Oxy 80 or two. It seems that you and your wife are connected on some level that transcends the everyday routine of your relations. If this isn't love, I don't know what is.
I am on day 16 of a 21 day methadone detox program. God, I feel like I can make it. For the first time in this entire process that has brought me at points to my knees, weeping uncontrollably, and searching out bottles of pills, just to feel the possibility of relief. For the first day, I feel confident that I can stop the cycle of pain and loneliness that addiction and withdrawal force upon us. I realized today that loneliness and alienation were the reasons that I turned to drugs, while I always told myself I just had a penchant for the darker side of life. Hollywood can be a world where creativity and business meet, where dreams are made, trends are set and messages are conveyed through our movies. It is also a place where superficiality, greed and egos can sap all life out of our society. BMAC, I think, posted a conversation with a sponser of his where his sponser asked how he was doing, and BMAC replied that he was feeling like ****, lethargic etc. His sponser said "I didn't ask you how you were feeling, I asked you how you were doing" This post has stayed with me. Everyone on this forum can create happiness in their lives, regardless of how they feel. Whether it be Hollywood, Florida, Baltimore or Alabama, our worlds are what we make of them. Happiness does not come easy, we took short cuts with drugs, and we learned that there truly are no short cuts in life. Work hard to make yourselves happy, and everything else will fall into place!
I am writing about it right now(Have been for an hour or so. It is so wierd how that works.
I couldn't watch the movie.
These thoughts, these feelings. this pain has to be expressed.
Hang in there.
"This too shall pass" ;)
Chezz
I've wondered what had become of you. I'm sorry about your xanax misery. You haven't been around to hear the saga of my enrollment in a buprenorphine detox program, but it started yesterday (I thought I was dying as a dry heaved myself silly only to find that I had used hydro to close to the bup dosage. As the nurse told me today (I just got back from the clinic), "Burprenorphine doesn't like other opiates clinging to the receptors that it is intent on dominating".)
But it is day 2 and I'm so lonely and physically weird and lethargic, but I am hopeful. Wow! Day 17! It seems like just yesterday you were on the eve of day 1. That's how it works I guess. Just not picking up a pill, one moment by moment. I'm so glad the hydro is not an issue for you (even if you have to suffer the xanax taper, you're not acting like an addict)
Please keep me in touch.
Sean
I too have lived that life.
Materialism, capitalism, greed. A penchant for all things physical.
Unhappiness, selfishness, lonelyness are the facilitators.
Introspection, selflessness, and compassion are the antagonists.
I always thought that if I fit into the "mold" of the corporate world, I would be "worth" something. I always followed the "unwritten" rules and succombed to the emotionless passion that I was tought.
I have finally found out what makes a "real" leader.
Look at any person who is "wealthy". They will always have someone right by their side that is REALLY "wealthy". The type of person that can express and deal with issues. That is grounded and "real".
You will always have this balance. What side of the equation you pursue is CHOICE. Happiness is a choice.
I have chosen.
Chezz
P.S. Ignore my writings if you like. I am in one of those "Zones". Fraught with feelings and introspection.
I am writing today, and taking a break.
I grew up about 45 min. south of there(La area). It has gotten so bad population and traffic wise, it is unreal.
Not to mention the superficialness, as you stated.
Chezz
BTW: I have not been script binging now for over a month. I just got a call the other day from my insurance company. I was sure this was going to be the lowering of the boom on me for so much monkey buisiness the last few years. Oh no... They wanted to get me to let them be my pharmacy and that the would work with the doc. so that the meds would be delivered right to my door. The best part is that they will automatically get the refills for me, and even told me how to tell the doc to write a three month prescription. That was when I knew it was all about the money. For some reason thier cash cow had stopped grazing...
I don't know maybe I have truly become cynical.
Rob
Anyhow, I've been on Methadone(clinic) for like 3 years taking 80 mg a day. About a month ago, funding was cut to my program (thanks Govenor Busch), forcing me to come down extremely fast or pay an outrageous amount of money that I cant afford because I'm disabled.
Anyhow, The weening was basically screwed up by the staff of this clinic, where I thought I was weening but was being given 60 mg for like 10 days straight. So basically I went from 80-60 in a week, then from 60-0 in like 2.
Needless to say I'm hurting. I'm actually about 14-16 days into the withdrawels, but don't know how accurate this is because I ate 40 tylenol 3's over the first week. The second week, I went to the hospital, feigning leg pain to an old injury and the doctor gave me 50 ultraams-*Tramadol*-(these are non narcotic if anyone doesn't know), those seemd to help because I ran out of those yesterday, and this morning has been my worst day yet.
Since I dont have money or a private physician, I'm contemplating walking into a detox. I really dont wanna do that because I havent used illegal drugs in over 3 years, and don't need to be subjected to that whole circuit again.
I'm looking for any suggestions, please:
Should this be over soon? Should I try to get another script of ultram (Tramadol), to get me through another week? Is there anything I can get at the store, tea, anything, to help ease this somewhat?
Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Thanks.
Festertool
You hit the nail on the head. Self-worth is such an important factor in our addiction, and recovery. I know exactly what you mean when you talk of self-worth being defined in terms of "fitting in" in the corporate world. I too, thought that if I could just come to Hollywood, get a good job, start making good money, and "fit in" in this world, that I would be happy and worth something. The reality is, I was miserable. Because our self-worth has to be based on fitting in to our own set of rules and goals, I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Now, I am focused on self-discovery, loving myself and doing the things that make me happy and proud. Achievement for the sake of my own advancement, not just for others' approval. Taking on projects at work that challenge me and inspire me, not ones that other people would want me to do. This is a challenge, but one that I know will help me lead a happy, sober life. Unless I focus my energies on being happy with myself, instead of living to please others, I will let the sheer, gripless cliffs of hard drug addiction bring me down, with no way back up.
gone to eat,
Chezz
I meant to send this Before I left. Duh...... I am back now, with alot better news, and pain relief.
please elaborate my friend
As I stated before, I’ve only been on Xanax for a short period of time, and it’s been a real mother-f**ker! It’s one thing to come off of opiates, you may feel like ****, want to die, and wish you would, but coming off a drug that makes you think you are going insane. . . now that’s an entirely different ball game!
There is no question; you probably are addicted. I know how hard this can be to see and accept. It’s funny because I haven’t come across a single poster who was “kidding themselves” or “lying to themselves’ about their opiate addiction, but Xanax just sneaks up on your ass! I’ve read stories about people “partying” on Xanax (most recent and notably Gov. Bush’s daughter being arrested for forging a Xanax script) even my sister-n-law “parties” on Xanax, but I never understood how you could party with Xanax. I, like you, used it legitimately for sleep and anxiety (mostly to “come down” from an oxy or hydro high), and had NO CLUE I was—better yet my brain was—chemically addicted to it. I am not physically addicted, I don’t crave it like I did the hydro, I just have to take it until my taper is complete. . .unfortunately the taper is much longer than I ever originally took it, but it keeps my co-workers safe LOL!
The only way you can truly know, how chemically/physically addicted you are to Xanax, is to stop taking it. If your brain starts wiggin, you are. Do some Internet research, you will be AMAZED at what you find!
Best of luck,
Jenn
PS Would love to hear any successful Xanax taper stories ; ))))))
I have a little story I would like to share. This is something some may say is concieted or bragging. To me it is an important stepping stone in my life, and also brougt me to realise the way money can buy respect. Which of course is absurd. This is why I agree so much with Allisa when she said "oh, I am lawyer, I am a doctor, ect. I am going to so-and-so university. Now are you happy" I didn't say it the way she did. The point she was making is we are all PEOPLE that are addicts/dependent on meds. We are in this TOGETHER, regardless of race, creed, religion, or economic status.
A little backround on why this was an important day for me.
I grew up in an affluent neighborhood. Although my family was not as well off as the rest of the neighbors. We had a nice house, and my parents did their best. We made due, by no means RICH. I went to a school where status was the most important thing. Of course I didn't fit in and it bothered me. I rode a mount. bike throughout high school. While all the other kids got brand new cars on their 16th birthday.
I have worked since I was around 8, when I had a lawn mowing business with my brother. When I turned 14 I decided to apply for a real job at Jackinthebox. I lied on my application to get the job. I continued to work until I was 18. With only 1 brief hiatus.
So, when I finally "made" it, I wanted to indulge in the fruits of my labor. I also wanted to "take care of my wife". I earned a free trip to Hawaii from my company. So I really wanted to make it special. I took out 10k in travellers checks, and planned to spend it all and have a good time.
I have always wanted a Rolex. To me, that meant "I made it", that somehow I would be a "better" person. I also wanted to spoil my wife and buy something very expensive for her, a tennis bracelet or a rolex as well. (she grew up in poverty)
I finally found a jeweler that had the one I wanted. I walked in, cash in my pocket. I couldn't get service. It was a very "high end" store. They were too busy to help me, since I didn't "look" like I belonged in there(I was 23, dressed in surf trunks and a tank top, as was my wife). I waited about ten minutes and then asked for help. All of the reps were toooooo busy already(2 customers, 5 reps?!?!?), so they asked somebody on their lunch hour. She said no I am busy eating lunch. I don't have time to waste on "those" people. I told the lady I want the watch in the window(birdy in the window ;) ). So she proceeded to ask me if I knew how much it is, and then gave me a credit application and said, "we can try it, but I don't think you will be able to afford something like this". There are a couple other stores that might have something that "fit" better.
To make a veryyyyyyyy long story short. I asked for the manager, explained the treatment that I had been given. She told me that I am just a little too young, and don't really look like I could afford something like this, and they are soo "busy". One of the other reps finally came over after that and whispered that they are a little "uptight" here. And that she would help me, even if it was just for "fun". To let us feel like we were a million bucks.
So she proceeded to help us. I'll bet with some sneers from the other reps. I played into the, "I'm not worthy bit". Then asked her to ring up my watch, I then pulled out my money, and if she could please help my wife find something she would like as well. Needless to say, 3 reps came over and were mesmerized and apologized for about 15 minutes. My wife was shown more **** in that store than I could handle. So when it was said and done I had spent 7 grand and told the manager that they ought to think a little about treating people "like me" a little better. Even if it is to indulge them and just let them feel good for the day.
I am one of "those" people. I am proud of where I came from and won't forget it.
I hate the judgementality that people "like me" by the way they look, the way they dress, ect. I have never had better friends, than the ones "on the other side of the tracks".
To this day I still don't understand what "look" makes you a better person. To me, the best people in life are the ones "like me". Who care, are understanding, have compassion, and are honest. All of which are taboo in the "real" world.
Those are people I can do without.
To this day it still bugs me that this happens. EVERYONE deserves RESPECT, regardless of social, financial or any other status.
"THOSE" people are the ones that really miss out on LIFE.
Chezz
I have a little story I would like to share. This is something some may say is concieted or bragging. To me it is an important stepping stone in my life, and also brougt me to realise the way money can buy respect. Which of course is absurd. This is why I agree so much with Allisa when she said "oh, I am lawyer, I am a doctor, ect. I am going to so-and-so university. Now are you happy" I didn't say it the way she did. The point she was making is we are all PEOPLE that are addicts/dependent on meds. We are in this TOGETHER, regardless of race, creed, religion, or economic status.
A little backround on why this was an important day for me.
I grew up in an affluent neighborhood. Although my family was not as well off as the rest of the neighbors. We had a nice house, and my parents did their best. We made due, by no means RICH. I went to a school where status was the most important thing. Of course I didn't fit in and it bothered me. I rode a mount. bike throughout high school. While all the other kids got brand new cars on their 16th birthday.
I have worked since I was around 8, when I had a lawn mowing business with my brother. When I turned 14 I decided to apply for a real job at Jackinthebox. I lied on my application to get the job. I continued to work until I was 18. With only 1 brief hiatus.
So, when I finally "made" it, I wanted to indulge in the fruits of my labor. I also wanted to "take care of my wife". I earned a free trip to Hawaii from my company. So I really wanted to make it special. I took out 10k in travellers checks, and planned to spend it all and have a good time.
I have always wanted a Rolex. To me, that meant "I made it", that somehow I would be a "better" person. I also wanted to spoil my wife and buy something very expensive for her, a tennis bracelet or a rolex as well. (she grew up in poverty)
I finally found a jeweler that had the one I wanted. I walked in, cash in my pocket. I couldn't get service. It was a very "high end" store. They were too busy to help me, since I didn't "look" like I belonged in there(I was 23, dressed in surf trunks and a tank top, as was my wife). I waited about ten minutes and then asked for help. All of the reps were toooooo busy already(2 customers, 5 reps?!?!?), so they asked somebody on their lunch hour. She said no I am busy eating lunch. I don't have time to waste on "those" people. I told the lady I want the watch in the window(birdy in the window ;) ). So she proceeded to ask me if I knew how much it is, and then gave me a credit application and said, "we can try it, but I don't think you will be able to afford something like this". There are a couple other stores that might have something that "fit" better.
To make a veryyyyyyyy long story short. I asked for the manager, explained the treatment that I had been given. She told me that I am just a little too young, and don't really look like I could afford something like this, and they are soo "busy". One of the other reps finally came over after that and whispered that they are a little "uptight" here. And that she would help me, even if it was just for "fun". To let us feel like we were a million bucks.
So she proceeded to help us. I'll bet with some sneers from the other reps. I played into the, "I'm not worthy bit". Then asked her to ring up my watch, I then pulled out my money, and if she could please help my wife find something she would like as well. Needless to say, 3 reps came over and were mesmerized and apologized for about 15 minutes. My wife was shown more **** in that store than I could handle. So when it was said and done I had spent 7 grand and told the manager that they ought to think a little about treating people "like me" a little better. Even if it is to indulge them and just let them feel good for the day.
I am one of "those" people. I am proud of where I came from and won't forget it.
I hate the judgementality that people "like me" by the way they look, the way they dress, ect. I have never had better friends, than the ones "on the other side of the tracks".
To this day I still don't understand what "look" makes you a better person. To me, the best people in life are the ones "like me". Who care, are understanding, have compassion, and are honest. All of which are taboo in the "real" world.
Those are people I can do without.
To this day it still bugs me that this happens. EVERYONE deserves RESPECT, regardless of social, financial or any other status.
"THOSE" people are the ones that really miss out on LIFE.
Chezz
I got a call right before lunch. My doc finally put in for me to see a pain specialist with a backround in ortho/neuro. She also doesn't believe in just feeding you meds until you get better. She is going to work with me to get better, and treat the pain.
She is very very busy. So I might have to wait an hour or 2 to get me in this week, after I get there. But she CARES. She wants to help, not just keep people on meds.
So I have enough medicine to last till Friday. I should be able to see her by then. She is also going to be doing the injections and take over my health care.
I finally am going to get the help I need to get better. After 5 days of agony.
I will be honest. I gave up this morning. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't believe I was just getting $#$#% by them. I couldn't get help when I needed it sooo bad.
Now, I am.
Chezz
Although, you would think that when we finally were financially stable, that would go away. NOT AT ALL.
It made it worse. We fought all the time.
The closeness that we shared, eating top ramen and watching a movie borrowed from the neighbors, is irreplaceable.
We are back there now. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Yeah, money is nice. With it comes its own set of issues. And alot more than you would expect.
I like who I am. I like being one of "those" people.
I am proud.
Chezz
Well peeps ( new word i learned from jess...people in my circle that i care for) I have cut down on my stadol to only one per week! This is the frist week..but now I'm motivated to cut back even more! Just thought I would share my success..small step yeah but its a beginning!
"No body gets too much heaven no more." "Its much harder to come by, I'm waiting in line." "Nobody gets too much love anymore its as wide as a river and high as a mountain and harder to climb"
I'm climbin!
(p.s. always hello to my sweet jess)
Suzie
Thanks for you all being here.
It is a long lonely road.
Jane says "I'm gonna kick tomorrow"
My doc did say that she was going to put me on oxycontin. He said it will help alot. And that I won't be on it very long. She is going to make sure and have control over my rehabilitation. Just like here, I am going to be honest with her. Let her know my fears as well as my position on getting better.
I am scared too. I don't want to go through this again. I really don't want to have to deal with the "haze" and then the "clarity" again.
I also talked to my wife about it. She is going to help alot more this time. She is so happy to finally know that I am getting the help I need.
Chezz
PS. Suz, I hope the 2 beers doesn't turn into 6. I know you got it from Jess. I just want you to know, I care, and am worried about you too.
I haven't worked in a couple years, for a variety of reasons.
I have spent my days donating my time to the Special Olympics and any other charitable cause.
Although since returning to the US, I have been dealing with this medical issue and have not been able to. Although we still donate.
If you have time, there is nothing more fulfilling in life to me, than to spend my days helping others. The "raises" are endless, and the "pay" (back) is never ending.
Chezz
i could never get past the severe depression that comes with the with drawls, ifound this site back in feb 02, i read about the receipe here and started taking it in april it really hepled me go cold turkey, the receipe took the depression completly away, and was a great help with the lack of energy.
i don't know if you have seen or heard about the thomas'e receipe. but it goe's like this
l-tyrosine 500 mgm 8 a day week 1 , 4 a day weeks after, i take them in the morning all at once.
b-6 100 mgm
vitamins A-C AND E.
CALSIUM MAGNISUM
A STRONG MULTI
MANGANESE 10MG.
PHOSPHORUS 500 MGM
ZINC
IMODIUM (immodium) IN WEEK 1 FOR THE RUNS. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT , THE RUNS DEPLETE YOUR BODY OF ALL NUTRIENTS, AND DEHYDRATE YOU
WHICH CAUSES A LOT OR UNNESSERY PAIN.
lots of bannas for restless leg and body.
gotoraide early in the day for lost electrolites.
1 xanax or valium at night for seel the 1st 2 weeks.
lots of hot baths, good books to take your mind of things.
or good movies to distract you.
and post here every day , hang out with people who are clean.
peace and good luck !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
michael 7 months clean age 42
Just from your resent post I can tell you are 3/4 of the way to beat your addiction. And to successfully stay that way.
Recognizing the reasons you used is the key to life-long fulfillment without thiese things in your life.
Just going through the motions of detox, withdrawl, and the misery that accompanies it will not "fix" the problem.
The journey of self-discovery as well as the feeling of self-worth will keep you on track.
BTW - I am very happy, and to be honest surprised that you have already come so far. And that you are doing so well on your 21 day detox.
For someone to come here with "a habit the size of Texas" and recognize they have a problem. Then to follow through with getting clean has got to be an enormous task unto itself. But to be so introspective and already recognizing the reasons that you are in the predicament that you are in, then to work on it, is admirable.
The pain you will go through while doing this is temporary, the Journey of Self discovery along the way, will last you a LIFETIME.
Chezz
one on my knee, and i have had bad back and neck pain over the years that could kill a horse , i have never had any sucess
with much of anything for the pain even the pain meds did not always help.but i alway go through the motions, anti inflamotory
,ice, heat, .
B ut there is one thing that i have pretty good results with and that is a sulfer based mineral, called MSM. my 85 year old uncle who has severe rumatism turned me on to it, when he told me about i figured ,ya ya ya, it won't work.but he dosen't
go for ice water and this MSM cost like 40.00 a bottle.
so i treid it and to my suprize it works really good ,
took all my back and neck pain away , took the pain in my knees away. and i have some bad knee's sometime in jan, feb and march i can hardly walk,
any way good luck with it.you can get it at any gnc, vitamine store,
let me know how your making out
i did not know it came any other way.
thanx for the info.
Can you please email me ASAP. Someone on this board needs my help ASAP. You are the only one that can help.
Thanks,
Chezz
Thanks so much for your post. I am glad I can write things that help other people through these tough times.
I am no different than anyone else though. In fact I am probably more insecure than most.
I have this vision of people reading my posts and rolling their eyes. Saying to themselves "I wish this guy would get a clue". That is why I posted my email. So those people could tell me just that.
It is hard sometimes. To post and then not get any feedback, or to see people just posting on and ignoring what I wrote.
It has been a learning experience for me. I have only been on this forum for a few weeks(5-6 or so). Sometimes I feel like I am stepping on the "veterans, oldtimers" toes. I feel like I am overstepping my boundaries.
I feel like some of my strong worded posts **** people off.
I truly just say what I feel. It makes me feel good inside to help people. I have always been that way. So I am glad that I can help.
I have a few things I want to reply to on your post. So I am cutting this one short. Thanks again.
Chezz
I will say, however, that there's something almost nice about be really, truly, just plain sick. The aches in my legs and joints *feel* almost like w/d, but I have the far more worthy feeling of being a victim not of my vices, but only to a virus.
Wish I could say more, but after reading this thread and typing this, I've got to get back in bed. Maybe a hot bath would help.
CATUF
This is something that I wrote(recently revised) in my "clarity" of withdrawls.
I feel it shows the bond addicts have.
Chezz
I am scared. I am lonely. I am an addict.
For as long as I can remember I have been hiding behind some sort of “altered” presence.
It hurts so bad. Yet I have done this to myself. I have spent the last 10 years always taking SOMETHING to make me FEEL BETTER.
I have been thinking very hard about my life and how I have led it. I haven't LED it. It has led ME.
This is the question that I asked myself -
What would it be like to be completely clean?
What would that be like? I want to find out, and I WILL.
Until an addict can get to the point were they don't have to "take" anything to "feel" better, their journey will never end. Addiction did not start or stop here. For some the cycle will never end.
Since as long as I can remember I have let my vices take me where they wanted to go. I have always had some sort of toxin in my body since I started smoking at 16. NOW its MY turn. I know it will be hard.
We have only one life...how we live it is our CHOICE.
I want to be able to look back on this, 10 years down the road and feel like I made the right choice and most importantly the right changes.
Personally, I am scared. I don't want to quit this and move back to drinking. I can feel it. I know it. Its that feeling inside. That “emptiness” we feel, and always try to fill. We all have issues, deeper than these will ever be, yet we never deal with them. There is never a good time.
Well Today is my good time.
I don't remember the last time I drank. To be honest, I don't really want to. It is a memory, I hope to keep it that way.
In 10 years I want to look back on my life and remember this time as a time of HEALING. A time where I REALLY turned my life around. I don't want to be fighting these BATTLES for the rest of my life.
It is NEVER too late.
I want to spend my time "chasing" sobriety. It costs less, hurts less, and I will always love myself for doing it.
Life is a journey, personal discovery lasts a lifetime.
I am scared. I am lonely. I am CLEAN.
Chezz
I gotta go take care of a couple things. I will check my email every few.
Thanks,
Chezz
you writeing tells a lot about you.
your an addict, thats for sure,
addicts are very creative, talented, smart,
the best at something, even if it's the
best at being the worst, we are the best
at something or another,
just for today, stay clean , help another human being,
RECOVERY IS POSITIVE ACTIVE CHANGE IN OUR
ATTITUDES AND ACTIONS BROUGHT ON BY LIVING AND PRACTICING
SPIRITUAL PRINCIPLES.
IT STARTS WITH BEING CLEAN, GETTING HONEST, BEING OPENMINDED.
BEING WILLING, PRACTICING ACCEPTANCE, FINDING SOMETHING TO HAVE FAITH IN, COMMITMENT TO THIS WAY OF LIVING.
GETTING HUMBLE, LEARNING HOW TO FORGIVE,
LEARNING HOW TO TAKE INVENTOTY OF OURSELVES.
,PRAYER, MEDATATION. SHARING, CARING, GIVING.
AND ANONYMITY IS THE SPIRITUAL FOUNDATION OF IT ALL, THE STEPS ARE WHAT MAKE RECOVERY POSSIBLE THE TRADITIONS IS WHERE IT IS AT.
ANONYMITY IS SETTING ASIDE OUR DIFFERENCES AND COMING TOGETHER AS EQUALES, SO WE CAN TOUCH ,SOUL TO SOUL , HEART TO HEART.
ANONYMITY IS THE AWAKEING OF THE SPIRIT.
HAVING HAD AN AWAKING OF THE SPIRIT
SURRENDER IS THE FOUNDATION OF THE STEPS
Thx,
Suzie
Love to all.
your an addict, thats for sure,
addicts are very creative, talented, smart,
the best at something, even if it's the
best at being the worst, we are the best
at something or another,
just for today, stay clean , help another human being,
Michael,
Can you expound on that a little. I am unsure of where you are coming from in light of my current issues that I am dealing with. Namely, the pain I am going through, and the help I am finally receiving.
I already emailed you. Someone needs help on this forum and I can not post it here.
Thanks,
Chezz
Hippy thoughfully provided you with information on using L-Tyrosine to help overcome opiate malaise. I have recently revised the recipe to include better information on how to use the recipe components as well as what side effects to expect. Here's an excerpt covering use of L-Tyrosine. Good luck, Thomas
Upon rising (empty stomach), take the L-Tyrosine. Try 2000 mgs, and scale up or down, depending on how you feel. You can take up to 4,000 mgs. Take the L-Tyrosine with B6 to help absorption. Wait about one hour before eating breakfast. The L-Tyrosine will give you a surge of physical and mental energy that will help counteract the malaise. You may continue to take it each morning for as long as it helps. If you find it gives you the "coffee jitters," consider lowering the dosage or discontinuing it altogether. Occasionally, L-Tyrosine can cause the runs. Unlike the runs from opiate WD, however, this effect of L-Tyrosine is mild and normally does not return after the first hour. Lowering the dosage may help.
With breakfast, take the mineral supplement.
Thomas
Thomas
bmac
bmac
i have been going to na meeting since i was 16 i am now
42, i have sponsered about 10o different addicts over the years, they come from all different back grounds , creeds, rich
poor, famous, and not so famous.
i still have bad grammer and bad speeling tho.
maybe it was because i went to 10 different grade schools
anyway so i have some experence with the interworkings and
secrets of addicts.
i have found that we are all very simalar, being an addict
we have this persionality that takes us to extreems, one extreem or the other, say like something simple like jobs, and addict
can be the type of preson who jumps from job to job that is one extreem, the other is the addict who gets 1 job and has it for life.
and addicts report card goes like this
all A's
or all f's.
or ffffff and 1 a in the subject they like.
but like is to kind of a word, what we have is obsession and compulsion, our obsession can be harnessed as we stay clean.
our obsession makes us single minded, we get locked in on somthing and we run with it, we can become the best at what ever we set our minds to do.. it is part of our personality.a lot of us are perfectionest, which is not always healthy.
even reading' a lot of us will subistute drugs for something else like reading for instance, then we are reading all the time and even reading through the night.which is not healthy.
or working most of us are always the best employee, we are not the normal worker we have to be the best , maybe it is because of our lowself esteem, that makes us get obsessed with taking things to one extreem or the other.like you said we try to escape life through one distraction or the other, because we have a warped sense of who we are , that is why the inventory
in the 12 step programs is there , so we can get a better sense of who we really are. a simple thing like saying , im sorry, or i love you, or im lost,or i need help , im wrong, we have so much pride that we can not admit these things or even say them , tho we know they are true, admiting them takes humilty.
this kind of stuff just can be talked about for hours and hours
all through history there are so many great talented addicts, curt cobane, elvis, marlyn monroe. jhon bulusie, jimi hendricks.
jack kaovack, this list gos on and on.
just ask the question here on the fourm , is anybody the best at something, have they ever won a tropy for being the best.
you would be suprised to find just about everybody is.
while at the sam time, addicts don't wan't to admit who they are,even to the point of goint to aa rather than na, it is
more socialy acceptable to be in aa , in our society.
the mayor of washington was caught on film smoking crack
and the next week he was going to aa meeting.there is a stigma
attached to being an addict, you can get your job back if acohol
is you problem, but drugs , your job is probley not there when you go to get it back.
blah blah blah.
if you want me to focus on something particular , email me
For the malaise, here's an excerpt of "The Thomas Recipe" dealing with the amino acid L-Tyrosine. Recovering addicts swear by this stuff. Even non-addicts looking for a natural physical and mental energy boost (a dramatic one, BTW, leaves caffeine in the dust) as well as a mood brightener use L-Tyrosine. BTW, everyone eating an average diet takes in about 1,000 mgs a day of L-Tyrosine, just not in the concentrated form needed for an energy boost.
Here's the instructions. Hope hubby feels better soon. Thomas
Upon rising (empty stomach), take the L-Tyrosine. Try 2000 mgs, and scale up or down, depending on how you feel. You can take up to 4,000 mgs. Take the L-Tyrosine with B6 to help absorption. Wait about one hour before eating breakfast. The L-Tyrosine will give you a surge of physical and mental energy that will help counteract the malaise. You may continue to take it each morning for as long as it helps. If you find it gives you the "coffee jitters," consider lowering the dosage, eliminating morning coffee or discontinuing the L-Tyro altogether. Occasionally, L-Tyrosine can cause the runs. Unlike the runs from opiate WD, however, this effect of L-Tyrosine is mild and normally does not return after the first hour. Lowering the dosage may help.
With breakfast, take the mineral supplement (Strong wide-spectrum mineral supplement with at least 100% RDA of Zinc, Phosphorus, Copper and Magnesium).
Thomas
I already emailed Michael specifically. But for all of the rest of the people out there.
I took it to mean that I was talented, smart, and creative at "the best at being the worst". In other words, that I was good at lying, coniving and was using that to get back on the meds. That I wasn't dealing with pain, and I was lying to everyone here, as well as my docs.
I am sensitive. That comes through in my writing. I feel very strongly about my integrity. When I feel that is challenged by someone, I take it personally.
Without integrity, I feel like I would be nothing. Nothing in life is worse to me than lack of integrity. My word is my honor. I don't take that lightly.
No harm done. Just a little sensitivity. Okay, maybe a LOT. ;)
Chezz
Thomas
Chezz
A. Write something like that with "the insight" like you said.
B. You wouldn't understand it "fully" unless you have been there.
Thanks for the compliment. I just was reading it differently.
Us young bucks need to be straightened out every once in a while. ;)
Chezz
I have passed on the info and will hit the health food store.
Thanks for caring.
Thomas
Thomas Detox Recipe
PLEASE NOTE: I am not a doctor, simply a long-time Rx opiate junkie who has had many opportunities to develop a way to detox. This is a recipe for at-home self-detox from opiates based on my experience as well as that of many other addicts. It is not intended as professional medical advice. It is always wise to make sure none of the recipe ingrediants or procedures conflict with medications you may be taking. Likewise, if you have any medical condition, disease, allergy or any other health issue, consult your doctor before using the recipe. Thanks, Thomas
This recipe is designed for cold turkey opiate detox. It assumes that you can get about 5 to 7 days away from your job or household responsibilities during which you can sleep, veg and act as miserable as you feel. Opiate WD mimics the symptoms of the common flu, so, if you need a smokescreen, hide behind a bad case of the flu.
If you can't take time off to detox, I recommend you follow a taper regimen using your drug of choice or suitable alternate -- the slower the taper, the better.
You'll need:
1. Valium (or another benzodiazepine such as Klonopin, Librium, Ativan or Xanax). Of these, Valium and Klonopin are best suited for tapering since they come in tablet form. Librium is also an excellent detox benzo, but comes in capsules, making it hard to taper the dose. Ativan or Xanax should only be used if you can't get one of the others.
2. Imodium (immodium) (over the counter, any drug or grocery store).
3. L-Tyrosine (500 mg caps) from the health food store.
4. Strong wide-spectrum mineral supplement with at least 100% RDA of Zinc, Phosphorus, Copper and Magnesium.
5. Vitamin B6 caps.
6. Access to hot baths or a Jacuzzi (or hot showers if that's all that's available).
How to use the recipe:
Begin your detox with regular doses of Valium (or alternate benzo). Start with a dose high enough to produce sleep. Before you use any benzo, make sure you're aware of how often it can be safely taken. Different benzos have different dosing schedules. Taper your Valium dosage down after each day. The goal is to get through day 4, after which the worst WD symptoms will subside. You shouldn't need the Valium after day 4 or 5.
During detox, hit the hot bath or Jacuzzi as often as you need to for muscle aches. Don't underestimate the effectiveness of hot soaks. Spend the entire time, if necessary, in a hot bath. This simple method will alleviate what is for many the worst opiate WD symptom.
Use the Imodium (immodium) aggressively to stop the runs. Take as much as you need, as often as you need it. Don't take it, however, if you don't need it.
At the end of the fourth day, you should be waking up from the Valium and experiencing the beginnings of the opiate WD malaise. Upon rising (empty stomach), take the L-Tyrosine. Try 2000 mgs, and scale up or down, depending on how you feel. You can take up to 4,000 mgs. Take the L-Tyrosine with B6 to help absorption. Wait about one hour before eating breakfast. The L-Tyrosine will give you a surge of physical and mental energy that will help counteract the malaise. You may continue to take it each morning for as long as it helps. If you find it gives you the "coffee jitters," consider lowering the dosage or discontinuing it altogether. Occasionally, L-Tyrosine can cause the runs. Unlike the runs from opiate WD, however, this effect of L-Tyrosine is mild and normally does not return after the first hour. Lowering the dosage may help.
With breakfast, take the mineral supplement.
As soon as you can force yourself to, get some mild exercise such as walking, cycling, swimming, etc. This will be hard at first, but will make you feel considerably better.
PLEASE NOTE: If you have any medical complications, first check with your doctor before detoxing to verify that this regimen is safe for you.
how to shoot dope, here on this fourm.
how old are you and what and how long have you been using..
i will tell you one thing , make sure there is no air in the syringe, or you will die..
why do you want to put more welt in your arm.
bmac
Allisa let us know something!!!
bmac
Thomas
we have all been where you are , and it is a place
where life is very lonly and tough to deal with, when we are ther we don't want to be there and we wonder how it ever got
this bad and how we are ever gonna get out,
but there is hope , we do get out , through some kind of divine intervention, our job when we are there is to want to get out and change , it's god;s job to get us out.
just do your best no matter how meaningless it may seem to be , just want it, just want to get out na d some how ,some way it will happen, do your best god will do the rest.
don;t beat yourself up , just be grateful that you want to change.
god can take and out and make it into a homerun.
get some sleep, and keep asking for help.
peace!!!!!!!!! we care and you are in our prayers, it will be ok some how some way.
expect a miricle.
bmac
Sometimes I feel like I'm only between relapses at any given moment, anyway. I'm sure no better or different from you. I'm just not using now, and trying to figure out how to keep it that way.
That's a HARD question to ask on this forum.... I AM VERY SURPRIZED that you didn't get FLAMED even for asking it..
Anyway, I'll tell you what I know..... First off, I've never injected ANYTHING into myself, so I'm going to be of no help in the "How to" area of your question. BUT, here is what I do know: You MUST use clean syringes. You can go to ANY pharmacy and tell them that you're diabetic, and need your re-fill of 10 or 30 or 90 syringes.. (whatever) In most states you don't even need a script, and most syringes are dirt-cheap (5 cents to 49 cents, so that is pretty worth it when you're gambling with your life, buddy!)
.. How did I know THAT? My cat is diabetic, so I always have to go to Wallgreen's pharmacy every 2 weeks or 1 month to refill his Syringes and buy the Insulin!....
Dirty equipment, and non-sterilization of the affected areas are probably the reason for the "Welts" on your arms. Remember to sterilize the area on your arm with alcohol or Iodine before taking your injection with your CLEAN and NEW syringe.
That's about all I can say, as I have no knowledge of how to "Cook" the OXY down for injection.....
Good luck, and I HOPE that you are considering treatment.
Jessesarpy
Anyway, I'm just wanting to ask you some questions about this Buprenix or bufenorfine (sp?) for detox or maintenance. I don't really want to go on Methadone, and I know you have talked about these medications before. Are you still on "Bup"? or have you already tapered off? Well, it's real early here (Oakland, CA) so I'll check back later. I highly doubt that anyone is here at 4 in the morning ;-)
Frank
Thanks for your help,
Frank
i have to stress this...if you take it for any length of time, it is addicting - JUST like any other opiate. and, you go thru withdrawal from it even tho they say you don't.
if i had to do it all over again, i would go on a 10-day bup taper...totally administered by a professional. with chronic pain being one of my issues, i need to use something. i have been around and around with migraine meds, had the mris, etc. bup works the best for me without having side effects i can't deal with. however, i know i am addicted to it.
are you going to see a dr.?
you can end up with some serious infections, which can lead to even more serious things...you could end up getting your arm amputated. in the worst case scenario, you can end up dead.
but...you know all this don't you? whatever you decide to do, please don't share needles - even if you clean it out...syringes are SO cheap.
I was reading postes this morning and if I read right did you say you are in Santa Barbara??? I live in Moorpark 5 minutes away from Thousand Oaks just wanted to let you know. Have you heard of moorpark? take care have a good day Jessica
But I got out of bed, took a shower, dealt with the chaos of a home packed with small children, prayed with the family, told my wife that I love her, put out the trash and drove away waiving furiously (a daily tradition) to my 2nd son as he sat doing the same on the front porch. I am ashamed not to be filled with utter gratitude for that routine.
As I drove to work I broke down in a torrent of tears. I was thinking about so many who depend on me to be their very source of ultimate security. I was thinking of their innocence and my darkness. I was telling God that I was sorry. And I felt in my heart that He was not at all focused on the past, but was reassuring me about a beautiful future.
I need to be more productive at work and I just feel so paralyzed. I literally have had conversations that I've forgotten in which I've agreed to take certain actions, etc. And then I draw a total blank during a status check. I think I am very afraid to try to live up to my potential professionally. I've amassed a bunch of academic qualifications but now is the time to put them to use and I see myself recoiling from the challenge, almost bent on sabotaging the whole process.
At any rate I am glad not to be taking pills today. I'm glad that my thoughts are not drug induced. I'm also glad that my emotions are not drug induced. It's just that, they're intense and filled with melancholy sadness.
I'm so very grateful for you all. You have made these days bearable and have been the catalyst to get me to this third day of sobriety. I came here with a horrid pill habit. I am here today going through the pain of putting that habit aside. But these pains are riches compared with the medicinal synthetic half-smiles of narcotica.
Thank you and please stay.
Sean
On bup I do not notice any type of eurphoria, and energy boost, anything at all, really. My emotions tell me I'm in full withdrawal (on the brink of tears at all times, very melancholy, unstable). But I do hope desperately that day 6 will not crash on me in such a way that I'll be asking, "why did I just prolong my agony for an extra 5 days and just go cold turkey from the beginning?!?"
And I second your advisory regarding staying as far away from bup if you have any opiate in your system. My oh my, do I second that. I had just taken about 150mg of hydro and 24mg dilaudid about 3 hours before my first bup dose (I couldn't return later that evening for some reason to start my first dose at a more appropriate time). The nurse warned me I might get sick. Well, SICK is not the word! It was a hellish nightmare of intense stomach pain (goodbye chronic constipation!) and vomiting, and after the vomiting, dry heaves that nearly force my head off my neck.
But today is different and I just hope I'm not prolonging some unforseen agony.
I appreciate your thoughts on this and would appreciate being reminded (if you've already addressed it) of your personal circumstances.
Thanks so much for your help!
my personal experience huh? well, it started approx 3 years ago with intense migraines. i ran the whole gamut medication-wise and ended up with only pain medications giving me any relief. needless to say, i got hooked. it was like opening the door to heaven i thought...man, those opiates made me feel good. well, i got in deeper and deeper until i knew i had to do something...i was spending too much time figuring out how to maintain my supply, and i was not getting the same feeling from the pills that had originally made me so happy. i kept taking more and more and had less and less satisfaction.
finally, i decided to check in to a detox program in the hospital...i detoxed on bup for 4 days, left and relapsed the very next day. i struggled more for about a month, and then decided to fly to fl to a clinic that specialized in bup detox - on an outpatient basis. i can home a couple days later with a month's supply - and with the ability to order refills to be shipped to me each month. i started off ok, but then i started abusing it as well. months and thousands of dollars later, i am still using it in small amounts. i have managed to wean down to an almost acceptable amount. like i said, i have major migraines and need something for the pain - bup works well.
whew... this is the longest post i ever wrote! in a way, i feel like detoxing with bup is prolonging the inevitable. but you definitly won't feel as bad as you would without it. you cannot escape this disease without having some amount of pain...if it were that easy, we wouldn't all be here right?
i hope i've answered some of your questions, and good luck...keep us posted:)
Can you do me a favor and let me know your situation again. I have wanted to ask before, but didn't want you to feel like I just "breezed" over your posts.
I am not Superman and can't remember everything. LOL :)
I have searched the archives SOOOOOOOOO much. It gets tiresome sometimes.
Thanks
Chezz
Wardman: Actually, it was only during the last weeks that I was taking that much. It was insanity. I was forging prescriptions. Out of control, you know. It was as if I knew I was going to stop so I was going on a massive splurge. Very dangerous and stupid.
I truly hope you will pick your day 1 and stick to it no matter what and get to that place a few weeks later where you are renewed and refreshed and living a really fruitful life. I know it comes because it has come to me before. Many times. The last was 9 or 10 years ago after a heroine addiction. I never dreamed life could get as good and adventurous as it came to be in the following years. Like an ungrateful brat though, I invited the monster back in last March. I've been wandering in the land of the half-dead ever since and my family and job and spirit have suffered greatly. But today is Day 3 and I am even now at this moment off to the clinic to recieve my bup treatment.
Please keep us all posted. I will say a prayer for your success.
Sean
I think I may live close to you...I live in Sherman Oaks but work in Hollywood...tell us your situation again, because you are a sporadic poster. Sometimes this process gets so isolating that just to know someone is close by that lives in the same hell you do is comforting..
I think I might try to go to an aa meeting tonight. It may be my first and last (I cannot get away from my family responsibilities most nights). I just really feel a need to be with people who understand and can be supportive.
Please let us know how day 17 goes for you.
Sean
Yes, we live pretty close about 40 minutes away. I'm like one minute away from Simi Valley and 5 minutes away from Thousand Oaks. My story..... WOW ok here it goes, were to start, Well first of all my choice of drug is lorcet 10-650 and I take about 12 to 14 a day. I have been taking them for three years and have tried to quit 4 or 5 times and what a pain in the @ss it is as I'm sure you know. Never in my life did I think I would become an addict. It started out innocently due to surgery and the fact I have rhuematiod arthritis and fibromyalgia and a non union facture in my neck. I will admitt but NOT proud at all that I use to believe that people who were addicts were extremly weak people and using to not deal with life or live in reality. To the day I die I will be sorry for that pathetic judgemental way of thinking. To all that abuse any kind of subsence I'm truely from the bottem of my heart so sorry for my no excuse of thinking. I now know the truth and I don't ever think I will forgive myself for my thoughts before I myself became an addict. What else can I tell you about me? I had a crapy childhood hood. Sever unbelievable abuse for many many years of my life that resulted in me becoming mulitple personality disorder and since I can remember wanting to commit suicide. I was adopted twice and in both families was abused sexually, emotionally, and physically. For all that I went through I turned out pretty good to be honest. Before I started using I was un-happy, planning everday how to take my life, un able to cope with my past so to say, night mares almost every night, huge panic attacks. When I started using Lorcet it seemed to all go away and I loved it. For once in my life my past didn't have my future so to say. One of the BIG reasons I'm scared to quit because of all that coming back. I am in therapy and have a great therapist. My addiction is a secret what means NO ONE except for all you on here and my therapist knows!!!!! I'm 35 married and un happy in marriage which very shortly is coming to an end. We are lossing our house because of to many bills and NOT enough money coming in. I have no kids except for the furry ones in which I just lost one last week : ( Which broke my heart. I guess thats about it. I would love to be there for you if you would like. My e mail is ***@**** if you want to write me. Take care and hope this helps. Hope I didn't offend anyone with my stupidity before I became an addict and again I swear I'm so so so sorry!!!! Love Jessica
Firstly, sorry for the loss of one of your 'furry ones'....we've had lengthy discussions on this forum about pets and how incredible they truly are.
The words that rolled off your tongue, that you are apologizing about, i certainly relate as i intimated/iterated a million times over the years, the same idea(about my alcoholic brother-22 years solid drinking); to only find myself dead center of a 12-18 percocet/day habit of 3+ years. I never "understood" or didn't want to... i would just say use your will power. Boy did those words come back to bite me in the ass.
Volumes of people come here with terrible, seemingly hopeless addictions frequently as a result of horrendous/tragic/traumatizing events of their lives; but with alot of work and support, make it to the other side.
Just reading your story, makes it impossible to NOT be frightened about quitting and bringing back all your pain/grief from your past, but sounds like your taking steps to get your life back. Unfortunately, that means putting your addiction front and center, as opiate addiction is such a nasty and progressive thing.
You'll get loads of wisdom and support(not to mention phrasing things better than me) from people that have been to hell and back. Please post more about you...WE CARE!!
I remember your the post of your cat vividly. I too have lost pets. We also do not have any "real" kids. Our pets have always been them. They are a part of us and very big part of our lives.
As you have found out. Addicts are not dirty. You can't point them out in a line-up. They are US.
I am sorry to hear of your financial situation. It seems to just add to the dissarray in our lives sometimes.
I have always accepted everyone in my life. Addict or not. Smart or dumb. Cute or ugly. Those are just WORDS. PEOPLE are the basis and backbone of LIFE. Sometimes I feel that people that have lived the hardest lives have the most to offer. They have been through so much, and obviously have still coped.
Life is too short to judge.
I thought money would change my life. I thought if I finally "made it", that somehow I could leave all of the hurt, the pain, the shame, the anger...behind. Of course it never would.
I have now embraced all of those things in my life. When I accepted that they are a part of me, I finally felt WHOLE.
I am still ashamed, scared, hurt, and lonely. I too have had those thoughts of suicide.
Until you can FORGIVE YOURSELF, you will always have those thoughts in your head. They will come back everytime something happens in your life that is "too much" for you.
Until you ACCEPT YOURSELF, and love you for you, they will be hiding around the corner waiting for you to let them back in.
I am still learning everyday.
Life is going to continue on its path. We can't change that.
We can change how we let it affect us.
For today, I love me for me. I love the person I am trying to become. I love the person I am now, I accept me for me.
You have so much to offer the world. You have been through things some people can't even fathom. You have an inner strength that some can only hope for.
You are a survivor.
You have LIFE to offer the world.
Chezz
Chezz: How's that pulpated disc today? 0-10 scale. Whats the difference between pulpated and protruding. Is it same result--compression of nerve strucures?? I've had L5-S1 done twice(from herniations, one sequestered) but i have a fairly severe 4-5 protrusion, that is why i ask.
The F#@$%$@#% real bumber is that I have an appt. this morning and have to drive 35-40 minutes to see my new doc. NOT too HAPPY about that. I know the numbness will be in full force after about 5 min. I am just unsure of the pain. I haven't driven with this new pain.
I guess I will try and put it on cruise cont. and hope for the best.
That is why my post was a little out a whack. I have got to get ready to leave NOW. ;) I am always late.
Actually I am a little scared to drive. Plus I know it will hurt my back. That, and I hate seeing anyone new. They always want to do the tests. Put your leg here, now try and bend over and see if you can look between your legs, what is behind you??!!?!?!? just be facetious. But I hate it.
I am waiting for one of them to have a twister board in the office. ;0
Chezz
GOOD LUCK TODAY
You forgot to elaborate on the first part of your e-mail to me yesterday. Know what I mean? If you feel like typing later, fill me in.
The other matter is out of my hands, I guess. Peace--Peaz
The drive was h$#@%. My leg went numb after about 5 min. Then the shooting pain was out of hand. I did take extra medicine then. By the time I got to her office all I wanted to do was lay down.
They did get me to a room pretty quick, and I didn't have to wait to see her too long. (the receptionist did confirm that sometimes it is a wait of an hour or more) So I told her I will bring a towel and lay down in the waiting room if I have to wait more than 10 min. I can't sit very long before the pain starts coming.
I did have to do all the tests again. That hurt sooo bad. But I know she has to see and record the stuff in my records. I just hate having to do them because it hurts so bad, and I knew I had to drive 40 min. home.
My worst fears came true. She thinks I will need surgery. I broke down at that point. I just didn't want to hear it. I don't know what I expected. But to hear that really scared me.
I have to go have another scan done too. This one will be more precise. I forget the name. Then she will be able to see if doing epidurals will even help. She knows I have a "nerve impengement", she will find out how bad with this new test.
We also got to talk about the medicine. She explained that it is half my responsibility to take it right and not to take more without telling her. So that felt good. We also talked about how I stopped taking it a couple times. How I didn't like the feeling of being a "drug addict". She said she won't treat me like that if I work with her. Then I told her about my pain doc a couple years ago, and the relationship I had with him. He helped me with my pain and I was honest with him.
She put me on oxycontin. She said she wants to start out with a small dose and work from there. So I got it filled and took 2 of them. So far it has worked great. Alot better than the percocet. Because the percocet comes on strong, and then wears off. I haven't "felt" it, but my pain is a LOT better. I am allowed 3 every 12 hours. So I took 2 instead. I want to take the least I can, without having too much pain. I am just thankful I HAVE pain relief. I am not going to f$#% that up. I am too tired of dealing with the pain.
I also find out why the shot at the emergency room didn't take care of the pain. My body doesn't have an enzyme that helps metabolize morphine. That is also why I was in so much pain when I had surgery last time. Pretty neat that I found that out.
So overall it was a very good appt. I found out alot.
I am scared though too. I sat in my truck and cried while I was waiting for my medicine. I am just so scared that I might have to have surgery. I know it is the best if that is what it is going to do to take care of the pain. I just never thought that would be the answer.
I just wish it would go away.
Chezz
Chezz
Don't know whether it is the pain or the tolerance to the morphine (am taking between 120 mg and 250 mg a day). If this carries on I will not be able to finish this year. I feel very, depressed and have real thoughts of suicide. No one knows only my girl friend, but I don't want to scare her. She knows that I have severe pain but not how it's effects. Really don't know what to do. Sorry this is so vague but I cant concentrate at all, the pain level is at about 9+ despite the Morphine Thank You.
Anyway, I'm just curious, so please post back! We are glad to have you as a member.
JesseSarpy
pixi
Maybe i'm lucky, so many people here are struggling with addiction and you can see the determination to succeed. I'm pretty sure I'm not addicted, I take only enough Morphine to keep things bareable and no more. My prescriptions last 1 month as they should unless like recently the pain is more severe than usual. I have been taking opiates for years, ever since I was 15 and I'm 20 now, so I think i'm pretty tolerant to the drugs. Morphine has been the only thing I have found that has ever worked. Apart from Cannabis which I don't like doing.
The pain is still bad but tonight I took 60 mg of ir morphine which has helped. I know methadone, hydromorphone or oxycodone are options, i'm scared of taking strong opiates, i'm scared that people will find out and pressure me into giving them some. Very few people know I have chronic pain and hardly anyone knows that I take Morphine. Its hard as no one I no understands and I don't have anyone to talk to. Sorry to go on so long, don't give up
A.B.
Chezz,
I am glad to hear you are finally getting the treatment you need. I have a feeling it will provide the miracle you need to rid yourself of the pain you have dealt with for soooo long.
I will be praying for you that everything goes well and that the docs have all the wisdom they need to successfully bring you back into the world of pain free living. I love your posts, they are some of my favorites, and most inpirational on this forum. I hope to hear your posts soon and hear the news of your recovery from surgery.
On a lighter note, you are right that pets are often addicts children. I have ten cats and two dogs. Both dogs are 12 years old. A few of my others have already passed away of old age.
Anyway, good luck and have strength. In my alleged native language, some type of Indian language that came back to me after a seizure a couple of years ago, and took six months to develop the memory fluently; when I was in the deepest DT'S this past February, and really thought I was a dead duck, I just kept repeating over and over in my delirous mind,- spelling? (shig-ah-na-maw'-naw-taw.) Which was supposed to mean (We must all have strength.)
I believe you have it and God can help give it to you if you pray for it as well. Get well soon!
Chatahan