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JAMES
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JAMES

Just want to let you guys know how i am. Im trying so hard to win my war against my demons. But dont feel to good i was taking seziures all last night. Woke up on the bathroom floor i could not get back toour bedroom towake kim. I have a black eye and a severe cut to my eyebrow,im not affraid to say that i thought i was going to die.I suppose its allmy ownfault. but i willstick with the c/t even tough its harder than any time i have c/t before. This guy is an idiot to go back on heroin when my wife needs me i dont even like myself i let every body down know wonder my family have know time for me they say im a lost coz and they may be right. im so sore after fitting all last night,,,,,James
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222369_tn?1274478235
James, The sooner you realize that this disease doesn't have a damn ting to do with willpower, the better off you'll be. It has nothing to do with fighting the disease. It's all about surrendering to you. If will power was all you needed, many of us would be cured. Get to some meetings...or even better..surrender to the addiction and get into rehab.
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Avatar_f_tn
James...you are putting yourself down again...You are not a loser,you are a winner because you will not give up your fight.
]You are worth as much as any of us here and keep fighting for yourself and your life.
Drink lots of gatorade or fluids for you may be dehydrated and keep posting except say that you are proud of yourself and are worthy of our praise.
Lots of love and luck to you.
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Avatar_m_tn
I am glad you posted James. Do you think you need to go to the hospital?

Please get through this and the rest will follow. Until you learn to start loving yourself, you will continue to be unhappy. We can fix our mistakes James, it don't happen overnight, but with some persevarance and hope, we can overcome this. You will beat this, but we all have to go through hell to reach the other side. Be safe and get to a hospital if these seizures continue please. Hang in there buddy
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Avatar_m_tn
I agree with GA GUY, addiction is not about willpower, but I used to think it was too. I wish you could find some type of help, we care.
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980052_tn?1262970679
Hi James I posted a bit ago to you!! I am so sorry to hear u had that kind of night!! It's very scary sounding and must've been for you!! Don 't u think a Dr. may be of some help!!!! Ga is right it's not about willpower it's about rehab and recovery w/ sm Dr. supervision!!! U are in my thoughts and prayers..Are u coming off any thing else..that may be causing u to have seizures???YOU ARE NOT A LOST CAUSE!! You are still alive and here which means ther is still HOPE!!!! There's only no hope left when u are dead and gone!!!!We are all pulling for you to get through this!!Please Please consider getting some help froma Dr. or on suboxone sometheing to help u through this and prevent u from relapsing!!You need help James.....thoughts and prayers to you all day ...Daisy
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Avatar_m_tn
my doctor gives me vallium for my sezures,i ve hurt myself lstnight . im trying so hard to beat this as i know my time will run out. so i cant fail this time. kim foned my doctor but said se gave me vallium and wont help me any more and she point black refuses me sub she does not care as she said your a drug addict and you arev on your own she is a great doctor if i was not an addict she would go out her way to help but she sees me as a junkie and has know time for addicts.....james
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Avatar_f_tn
HI James, I am so sorry you had such a ruff nite. As someoe above said, we have to go thru this crap to get to the other side. Do whatever you have to do to be safe. Keep drinking your power drinks and i know I will be praying for you like crazy! You're an amazing guy.Everyone here agrees. Now its time for you to beleive it too. Kathy xxoo
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Avatar_m_tn
do you,sreally think im a good guy as i feel like im not know one in my family wants anything to do wit me they keep telling me im nothing and iv started to beleive them. if it was not for you guys i would probibly be well taking off as there is nothing here for me only my wife and family and you guys seem to care about me iv staid clean the last couple of days i thank you all for your help much love to you guys james
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406584_tn?1333917818
If this is how your Dr. feels james then change Dr.s It is a hassle but to be looked down on for being a addict is unacceptable.. Do you think you need stitches.. You are right james about this will kill you.. I do not know how clear that can be and if it did then where would your family be ?? Day 2 James Congrats.. that is 2 days further from Heroin and active addiction.. You can do this.. You have to do this.. give kim my love and some for you.. I will be around today. try to get a lil to eat and try sipping some water ok.. did you find your meds ?? You are on your way James for another chance.. Have kim make that app. with your counselor and think about hitting meeting.. and look into changing Dr. warm hugs letakos
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406584_tn?1333917818
only your wife and family ?? That is all I have but a Husband and they are everything to me.. My Family...... I will develop a good mind. I will be positive. I will look to the creator for guidance. I will look for what I did right and wrong in my day then I will turn to the creator for guidance.. I will develop a good mind..
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Avatar_f_tn
I think youre' an amazign guy and I barely know you, James.

First reason; when i came on this board in January, you gave me the most encouragment I could ever ask for. Second thing, every post that I have read of yours shows compassion, care and non judgement. Third thing, I have never heard of a man speak so highly of his wife and THat my friend is something very very special!

We all make mistakes...all of us! Unfortunately, our families have dealt with our crap for so long, they tend to give up on us. Mostly because they aren't addicts and just dont undersatnd.

The important thing is that you and Kim have each other, you're working harder than ever to do the right thing and you will be blessed for it.

Remeber how you were feleing a few months ago? You'll have that again. Dont buy into the lie James. You're great and you'll get thru this! Kathy xxoo
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Avatar_m_tn
iv found my vallium.iv took two so im a wee bit happyer letakos i will change doctors she has no right to look down at me the way she does neither does anyone else for that mtter thank you letakos...... james
kathy i want to thank you for what you done for me i will always be indebted to you for that kathy i will continue to fight for my life
everyone on mh has helped me to put life in perspective i thank all you guys for that i cant fail this time i wont fail i need a life idont want to ust acsist im better than that is it ok for me to stay on the forum tody as heroin is entering my head big time but i will and must stay wy from the demon i am worth something arenr i ? james
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Avatar_m_tn
sorry about going on about me you guys have problems too illbe quiet now so sorry james
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1218318_tn?1266812201
Hang in there James. When we're using our drugs of choice, we're practicing our addiction. But if and when we're going through tough WDs from them, we're in recovery.

I go to NA meetings. One of the benefits of going, is hearing something I needed to hear from someone else, sharing their experience strength and hope. If I hadn't gone (crawled!) to a meeting that day I heard the above, I would have never heard it said! It got me through the rest of that day...
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222369_tn?1274478235
James, we all feel like we're the worst people in the world when we're using. You have to look at this from a disease standpoint. Imagine if you were told you had diabetes. Would you say that you could get yourself well at hone? Would you say you had the willpower to cure it? that's not how it works. You need professional help with this. Willpower doesn't work on this disease. But, you can take charge of your life this very instance if you'll call any rehab clinic that will take you and go. You can have a very good hold on your recovery in just a few weeks with the proper rehab facility. Take back your life.
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980052_tn?1262970679
James please do post and talk through the heroin obsession today!! We all draw strength from e/ o on here, wether we are in active addiction looking for tips to quit or have a little recovery time!!Look at it this way we all have the same time...todayit's a day at a time sometimes a min..of course u are worth a better life!! I went back today and read an old post when u and kim were 120 days clean!!What a difference in ur  tone ,additude ,self esteem everything!!You just need to get back ther but u have to get 1 day infront of the other!!Rite now ur feeling crappy and dwn on urself which is completely normal but U have to realize u do have selfworth and desreve a better drug free life!!You were talking about the laughter that had returned to ur life the little things that once again made u happy!!Think about those things now to reach ur goal!!!U are heading in the right direction now keep pushing forward!!!
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Avatar_m_tn
Ihad forgot what those days were like but just now they seem a millions away, this is so hard and i can be happy again.i just have to rember it wont be like this forever and that those good times will come back. But  for now im struggling but will keep fighting i just dont want anyone to judge me some did but most of you guys dont. But something sticks in my mind someone said to me i was sad as kim is unwell but i must help myself before icn help te woman i love most in world my beautiful wife kim i love kim more thn anything she is all i have i ust cant emogen my life without kim sorry for i keep tlking about kim ,,,,james
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199177_tn?1332183097
first off you have to get clean for you ,you let yourself down not us you have to stay on focus you tend to start going in different directions like you let your family down this takes the focus of you getting clean for you .you have to stop apologizing put your money where your mouth is and and get clean Kim wants actions I am sure not words . you have to make a major mindset  change.I still think you can do it now you just have too.
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Avatar_m_tn
You are so right avisg.i have to do this for me . it was hard last night as i was having seziures all last night and could not get of the floor to wqke kim. i have cut my eye badly on the sink when i fell i felt so lone im giving it all i have cos if i dont do it this time well we all know wht the outcome will be so ill keep on fighting ,,James
Avisg how are you i hope all went well at the hospital i will say a prayer for you Avisg and thank you what you have told me all makes scence ....James
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Avatar_f_tn
James are you taking trazadone? It caused me to have seizures when I got off heroin -9 years ago-then I stayed clean 3years took a job at a methadone clinic and stole that for a year-and quit cold turkey off 150-200mg a day -I shot it drank it whatever -and that was the absolute hardest wd there is I couldn't move hardly for a month-if you really don't think you van stay clean get on suboxone -look it up at least -methadone is so hard to get off of if you're ever ready -plus suboxone you go to dr get months supply and go once a month instead of once a day-and you won't abuse it cause it totally fills your pain sensors -and nothing else you take will effect you at all -plus it lasts two days -even though drs will give you 1-3 8mg tabs a day -because they don't even understand how it works -good luck -if you're not ready don't get back on h-get suboxone-you can function fine-Amy  
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Avatar_f_tn
Go to asuboxonr dr I think you would benefit from it -you wil be able to thiink clearly for awhile and then ween off oceyoure stable -suboxone is for addicts -only certain licensed drs can prescribe -they woud never refuse you-amy
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980052_tn?1262970679
James once again NOONE HAS THE RITE TO JUDGE ANY1!!! We all live in glass houses and those that u think are being judgemental.....skip over the posts and keep ur mind strong!1 You know the 1's on here that care and want the best for you!! I'm glad bringing up that old post brought good memories/vibes to you!! You need to uplifted rite now not brought dwn!!yes u have to take care of urself and get better for you but Kim can be a great motivator!!My daughter was my motivator and in my mind constantly during my "bad" times I still draw strength from her to stay clean!!!!!! think of the outcome! You no wat u need to do!! If u think ur a lost cause and bad person well i can say I felt the exact same way in the beg. due to sit I had put myself and daughter in when getting high but If I focused on that I would have NEVER MADE IT THIS FAR!!!!! Focus on the positive and the loving husband and father u are and the person u want to get back to being!!again stop apologizing ur mind is racing rite now and u just write w/e comes to ur mind and get it all out!!If talkin about kim makes u strong and feel good DO IT!!!! We are here to support u and listen and give advice when we see fit to do so!!None of us are perfect or experts just fellow addicts who understand!!! james believe it or not this has been helping me as much as I hope I am encouraging u!I had not posted in a while and now see I was getting very complacent in my recovery which is dangerous...so I thankyou for allowing me the chance to open up...Daisy
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Avatar_m_tn
Iwish to thank you all for your kind words of encouragment. It all means so much to me . if i did not have you guys well i would probibly be dead, but im not and its down to all my friends on mh. this place god led me too and i will never forget the help and encouragment i got here. i can say thank you but that is not enoug no were near it, you make me cry i dont know you all personally but feel i do .With much love and thanks to each nd every one of you guys .....James
PS this guy will win his war against my demons i know that for sure again i thank each nd every one of you .....James
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Avatar_f_tn
James, your a genuine, good hearted person. When I first came to mh, you really helped me with getting through my detox. Like you, I've struggled quite a bit but don't ever let anyone pass judgement on you and tell you your a ''lost cause'' because that couldn't be further from the truth. I have faith in you and you already know you have it in you. You had 200+ clean days, thats amazing and you'll do it again. Keep posting and keep faith that you will rise above and live in happiness and freedom from drugs. You're already on your way and there are a lot of people, myself included that think you will great and help a lot of other people who are struggling with this. Sending you big hugs and keep going, your doing great!
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