Just an update...

[bucksfan]

I stopped taking Codone on Saturday at 5PM Feb 23rd. Since then I took a methdone over the Frid/Sat AM the following weekend. I went therough WD's again it felt like and yesterday after horrible hot flashes, no energy and depression I decided to go and see my best friend. We talked in the car for hours, laughed and had a few beers. I am not keen on drinking so dont worry about an addiction to that. I had a fake Id since my early teens so I did my share of clubbing and got burnt out by the time I was 21. Anyways I am proud to say I slept well, woke up more energized than I ever did on pills, I think yall know that feeling of waking up and needing a pill before you could do anything. My stomach is a little upset still but besides that I truly think I am getting past this. Some hot flashes still which is strange considering I have quit pills  several times in 4 years and never had them. I am thankful that my dosage was never more than 5mg at a time and no more than 40mg a day. I think that has given me a real advantage to quitting because its as much as my doctor prescribed when I first got on them. The new challenge begins and that is gaining my energy back and the motivation to make work my addiction. Intothedark or JT if you read this please reply, I would like to know yall are ok. JT keep your head up and dont feel embarrased we all fall down but the strong ones get back up.

[illadelphia984]

I am truly blessed to still be able to see the beauty in life, despite my using. I just went outside for a smoke break (I'm at work) and was admiring the newly fallen snow; how it glistens in the sun, how it may just be the last time I see it before spring arrives, and how beautiful it looks as the wind blows it in various directions.

As for hurting myself, I will seek help the next time I feel that low. I'm tired of scarring up my body and having to wear long sleeves so no one notices the six band aids lined up on my wrists. I'm tired of hiding, period. I want to be free.

[bucksfan]

No aftercare, I am going to just stick with this site. I have good friends and I have strong will power. I mean for 4 years I would never take more than 5 mg b/c I believe my habit would become to costly. If I feel it is to rough of a day then I may find a local NA meeting. Thanks for caring,.

[bucksfan]

Hey illadelphia,
Please stay on this site, and please talk with someone you know. I really hope you see that life is beautiful regardless of our current situations. When you are at your lowest low things will come back and when you at highest high things will come down. I believe this is the point to living. To experience the ups and downs while we still can. We only get 1 shot at this. I dont care if you dont have a dime to your name, there is still beauty out there and something worth living for. As I said in my last post most will believe that our story is ending but in all honesty it is just begininng. Our addiciton and the process of beating it  will allow us to  see life in a way that a straight person could never view it. We will smile at things that people usually ignore. We will appreciate things people take for granted and we will know that loved ones are the real happiness to life. Please dont hurt yourself and if you being thinking you will contact someone asap.

[cathy5841]

good for you bucksfan...remember staying clean is the hard part.  are you in any aftercare?  i hope you atleast try to make some na/aa meetings.  i promise you wont regret it...

[illadelphia984]

Better cigarettes than pills, buck. I slipped up again as well, but the good news is I haven't left this site. I may not be clean 100%, but I'm still learning the tools that I need for when I do quit totally. Last night I cut my wrists because I was so depressed about relapsing. But after cleaning myself up and coming back to my senses, I looked down at my arms and couldn't believe I had hurt myself again. It's like I'm voluntarily destroying myself, both inside and out. My addiction is tearing me apart and it's so hard for me to feel hopeful. I know these feelings are only temporary, but they blow nonetheless. Sorry to ramble, buck. I'm so glad you're finally getting your energy back. You'll be back to your old self in no time, I can see it now. :)

[bucksfan]

Oh the bad news...I started smoking again. I felt it was to much to stop at once but I have some Chantix left to start up again once I get past this completely. I know its a bummer.