Just completed 5 days am about to break :(

[Back2Me]

I have a TON of work to do tonight (working from home) and have no energy and depression is sinking it's teeth in BIG TIME. the physical Wd's Are pretty much done except the fatigue. But I don't know what to do. I know the chemicals at this point are pretty much gone from my system. But I need at least one solid day to work this week. I need to make money that is waiting on me and if I don't my house is going to be taken and this is making my depression worse. What if I
gave my gf the pills and made her promise to only give me one perc per week. It's not like I have any money to buy any more and I have a lot left. Would once per week be so bad? I could at least get in 7 hours of good work tonight.
If not then what the he'll do I do? I can't lose my house and let my clients down.

[Back2Me]

I think keeping these things might be more of a sign of my weakness rather than my wanting to have the strength to control them. Did our walk, went great felt good. Then I came home and ate too much lol. Now I am super tired. Probably just going to rest the rest of the night. No sense in pushing it there's always tomorrow right.  Day six completed in on hour!

[vicki595]

So...I guess this is like a challenge to you and you want to prove you're stronger than all that and can overcome the temptation because you're very strong.   I don't mean to sound sarcastic at all,honestly. I think I get what you're trying to say.  The thing is  your fight is with your own brain.  You sound like an addict so that's the problem. That part of your brain will always win. You may have willpower but that means nothing unless you commit yourself to recovery.  And,really,if you follow through you won't want to make that phone call to buy more pills.        You take them to get high,have energy etc.  It's all fake.   PLUS,what you're doing to your liver is not pretty.
If you stop,the temptation becomes less and less.  And,really,giving them to your girl friend to dole out just tells me you really don't have control...yet.


Be careful~~

Vicki

[WannaBeFree79]

You don't sound crazy you sound like an addict.  We have an excuse for everything.  By flushing them you take the temptation out of your house.  Even if it would take you 20 minutes to get more, in that 20 minutes you could realize your making a mistake and change your mind.  Cravings can go away quick.  If you flush them and end up buying more, after a while maybe you will see all those pills are doing is FLUSHING YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY down the toilet, along with your health and your life.  Having them in the house your making it way to easy to relapse.  Having to purchase them again may make you think twice about actually doing it.  Your right you are always going to have temptation, but you are in the early stages of getting clean right now and that tempation being right there within your reach is very dangerous.  Are you ready to quit?  Do you really want to quit?  Are you doing this for you are because someone told you you needed to?  

God Bless!

WannaBeFree

[Back2Me]

And by flushing them I do what? If I am GOING to relapse I just have to call one of a few people or visit my doc. I mean if I am going to relapse I will just cost myself a ton more money getting NEW pills. The temptation and the access is always going to be there it would take me like 20 mins to find more pills if I flushed these right now. I want to be able to carry around 50 at a time 24/7 and NOT let them get to me. Because if not then how do keep from using OTHER options of getting them?  It's the temptation to overuse that I see it as I have to best. Because I can ALWAYS get them. Does that make any sense or am I crazy?

[GA Guy]

If you're an addict, then no you can't be that person again. And, these pills have already beaten you or you wouldn't behere.

[Back2Me]

I'm not trying to be difficult really. But if I'm not honest about how I am feeling I am just covering up. So I am trying to be 100% honest about my thoughts right now. And your posts are not going unheard BELIEVE ME. They are all hitting home as I have been down this road before as well. As of now reading your posts have helped a lot and are helping me not to go take any. Actually today I don't even feel the urge.  8pm will be day 6 completed tonight. Today I am feeling the best I have in a long time. Just did a 5 hour energy shot and me ad gf are Gettig bundled up a little and are going outside on a long walk with the dogs. It's finally a little decent outside in Michigan today.  I have always had this MEGA hard head about things and have never faild or been "beaten" by anything. I think this is my biggest problem. And I mean never. I have that kind of personallity. I have succeded at everything and made a great life for myself relying on myself. And I know the pills just about destroyed it but I don't see the battle as being "over" in my mind I guess. I horded over 200 pills from kidney stones and dentist work and takig them sparingly only when I needed somethig extra it took me over 4 years to use them up! I was very responsible. You mean I can NEVER be that person again? I guess that's what I am having the hardest time with. Anyway I'm off to walk my dogs. And btw my typing is such crap because I always post from my iPhone. I'm not normally this spelling and grammatically challenged. :)

[WannaBeFree79]

I went that route Back2Me.  I tried that exact same thing probably 10 times.  Every time my hubby had them in his possession.  It started as 1 a day just so I could get my house work done everyday.  After I took 1, I wanted more, you can't help it, you just want more.  When hubby wouldn't give me more, my claws came out and I would argue with him for hours to give me another one.  I even used sex as a pawn, that he wouldn't get any for XX amount of weeks if he didnt comply with what I wanted.  It was bad.  Once I had a taste of one I would obsess over them, thinking of ways to get another out of hubby, maybe I had cramps, maybe a really bad headache etc etc.  Its mental warfare between us and those pills.  If you take just that 1 you think is so harmless, be prepared for a relapse.  A relapse that will last till all 100 of those pills are gone, and maybe longer if you manage to get your hands on more.  Just 1, is going to put you through even more mental anquish then you need to.  You did 5 days already, don't give up now.  We are addicts and we can not take just 1, we will never be responsible with them.  Its not our will power, because I have plenty of that when I want pills don't it?  Its out of our control totally.  In order to get clean and stay that way this is something you need to accept.  You have a disease, willpower wont fix it.  Does willpower cure cancer?  

Sorry to sound harsh if I do, I just feel your about to make a huge mistake. Flush those pills!

WannaBeFree

[GA Guy]

Listen, I don't want to come off being a smartass about this. I estimate that there's about 500 years of active addiction on this site. I alone have 6 years. Of those 500 years, we all spent maybe 499 of them thinking just like you that we could control our use. Heck, I told myself that every time to justify going back to the doctor or getting a refill. Now, there's also about 50 years of sobriety here in one phase or another. The ones with those 50 years are telling you that addicts can't control their use (and if you think giving them to your GF is gonna help..think again...you'll be tearing that house apart in 2 months max)...and people still refuse to believe it. In my head I suspect that you haven't accepted that you're an addict yet and that you have a little more druggin' to do. My heart and should hopes you figure it out before you end up at the ultimate 6 foot deep bottom. The reality is that we all get there at our own pace. It too me 6 years...so, I can't judge. I can just try my best and hope you see the solution sooner rather than later. Regardless, you're in my prayers.

[vicki595]

I want to know about it,too.  I'll write the book...it would be a bestseller!!

V.

[GA Guy]

OK, it seems like nothing is going to change your mind. Just make sure to come back in a few months and let us know how your plan worked. I'm still looking for the addict that can control his use. If you're that guy then I want to know about it.

[vicki595]

Oh boy...There are millions who CAN'T use this drug once in a while and you know why.  You are not weak or ignorant. You are an addict.  So,you need to decide what your future is really going to be.  Did you flush those pills yet??  You have one too many pills,my friend.     You know, when you haven't taken opiates etc...for a while,pain actually becomes less and can be treated with otc's quite nicely. It's up to you.
I wish you well and please re- read what Ga Guy said. He's very wise.

Vicki

[Back2Me]

Here is my vision of the future. Me being 30+ days clean from everything then only using a few per month and giving them to my gf to make sure in dont overuse. the occasions I can vision are: long trips. I have a bad unreliable stomach and opiods are about the only thinks that make that dissapear 100%. And maybe once per month for heavy yardwork for energy and pain relief ( that is assuming I can keep my house). I guess I just can't believe that I have not learned my lesson and would fall back to an everyday habit again. I mean there are millions of people who could use this stuff ocasionally. I just refuse to belive I am that weak or ignorant or whatever.

[ucandothis]

Dude....you need to listen to what is being said by everyone. What is more important? The ******* pills or your life? Do you really think you house and job mean **** if you are in active addiction....which by the way....you still are. As long as you have 100 pills in your possession, you are screwed!!! PERIOD! I do not hate to be harsh....I have been through this **** so many times, all I can do is lay it out for you the way you know it will happen. You will give yourself some ******** reason to take that first pill, you will feel it because you say its been 5 days. You will then want to feel better and you will take a couple more and at that point its over. Please don't come back on and tell me you are different. You are not. That type of thinking is what will keep you sick and eventually kill you. If you really give a **** about your self and your life, get your *** to a meeting. Get some numbers. Talk about what is going on. Get rid of those pills. I am sitting here shaking my head thinking, "How the hell did this guy go 5 days with 100 pills in the house?" I hope you take to heart the advice you have been given. This is not a game....this is your life! Choosing to stop and going to meetings is one decision YOU can make that will change your life. Good luck brother.

[vicki595]

Yes!!  What he said!   (Ga Guy)

You know it's bad to have pills in the house.  YOU KNOW IT!    And that,my friend,is why you posted tonight.  You're looking for permission...

One pill a week??  Are you kidding??

Flush the little Charles Mansons now...


Flush now and give yourself up~~

Vicki     xo

[witsend0603]

I was actually typing a similar post to yours... lol.. my advice was exactly the same.. if you have them .. eventually .. they will call you and you WILL answer.. you need to get rid of them if you are serious about quitting.. I know I am weak .. and I am not afraid to admit that.. if I had Lortab in my posession right now I would be eating them like candy... now that I can admit this to myself .. I know I can't have them anywhere near me .. and don't want them anywhere near me.. it scares me to even think about them being anywhere around... all dr. appt are cancelled and there went my source... I cut the source got them out of my house and am even throwing away empty bottles if I find them so I don't have to even think about them any more in my NORMAL daily life.. I know our posts may sound harsh.. but I have found that's exactly what I needed when I quit was a good old fashioned kick in the butt... if I get pity from people I will only sit around and feel sorry for myself and crave more.. I NEED  people to be up front and down right blunt with me or I will go back .. and that is a road I never want to travel again... take our advice... get rid of them... before they get rid of you

[GA Guy]

I'm going to let you in on a secret that took me 6 years to figure out. I really should bottle this and sell it...but, it's given away free at any AA or NA meeting. So, here goes..getting into recovery and beating back this disease has NOTHING to do with willpower. It's actually the exact opposite. You have to surrender to the fact that you are utterly powerless over those pills. All of us addicts are. We have no willpower over the pills. You have 100 little things more powerful than you in your possession. I hate to tell you, but your chances of getting into recovery with those pills in your hands are pretty much zero. Screw the money. I hate to be harsh, but that is a crummy excuse. Those 100 pills, and the money they cost, doesn't come close to the cost of your life. And trust me, it is your life we're talking about. What you did tonight was dodge a bit of a bullet. But, you have 100 bullets in the house, and eventually one's going to get you. Flush the ammunition.

[Back2Me]

I have over 100 in my possession :(
I cannot as of now bring myself to flush them.  First off that's a TON of money. And second I'm just not ready to admit defeat just yet i guess. I know I will have to get rid of them. Just have not done it yet. But thanks for the help tonight that was a close one. Shows I have SOME will power  I guess.

[GA Guy]

I'm going to make a couple of suggestions here. First, from your post, it sounds like you still have pills in your possession. Those need to go right now if you want a chance at this. They will literally call you in your sleep if you don't flush them. So, get them all together and flush them. Second, this is the best time to get some aftercare going. Get to an NA meeting and get some numbers.Call those people when you get into situations like this. You pulled out of this craving...with no one to call and pills in your possession, you may not pull out of the next one. God bless...

[Back2Me]

Just watched tv for an hour. Drank a 5 hour energy shot (lower caffine) and am going to try to  work one to 2 hours. I know if I took something I could go 3x that but it's not happening. Not tonight Anyway. thanks for the support I needed it. I just thought if I do it tonight what the he'll do I do tomorrow. And it's way to early into my detox to do this now.

[mxboggie]

Pleasssssseeeee dont do it.  You've come to far.  Your energy will come back.  Its just gonna take your brain a little bit of time to adjust.  Give yourself credit where credit is due.  You have made it this far and you WILL MAKE IT!  Its gonna be a constant battle for a while, but if you let the DEMON win once a week, it will turn into twice a week, once a day, five times a day.............please hold on!

[pharma9]

Nope..what good would one a week do you?
You have to completely let go and rely on your own strength to get things done.
Go and drink a power drink and take a b12 1000mcg under your tongue and grit your teeth and get on with it.
You have come too far to stop now and taking even 1 a week leaves the door open for relapse.
Flush the remainder and you will soon get your energy back and keep your house.
Many on this board have done it and so can you.
Good luck and keep posting