Just looking for some help

[gottagive]

Well I guess I am like most of the posts on here, I have a problem and want to fix it. I am a 21 year old female who is severely addicted to opiates. I never thought it would get to this point but hey, does anyone? I don't know I guess I just don't know anyone who has battled with addiction, only people who are current addicts and don't want to stop, or people who have never been addicted, so I don't even know where exactly you can get help...is rehab the only answer? What do I do? Who can I call? Do I need a lot of money to get help from other people? Will a rehab chain me to a bed and make me leave my boyfriend? Are there people that go to rehab and DON'T relapse? Should I just do this alone? Anyway, its like 7am here and I have been up all night just miserable because I was determined to make it one night without taking anything...and I feel like my joints and bones are those of a 94 year old woman in a 21 year olds body right now. Like I can feel every creak of bone scraping with no padding...aweful.
          It started 4 years ago with lortabs, and I never, like NEVER thought it would be anything but lortabs. I thought anything stronger than that was dangerous and stupid. I had a crooked doctor in town that prescribed me a steady supply of them...then about a year ago he was put in jail, so my connection was cut. Since then I have been having a really hard time finding them on the street, but I have still managed to buy them and make them last until I buy them again. Thats when it got worse. Everyone I would call couldn't find lortabs, but they all had oxycontin. I turned it down every single time until a few months ago I said F#ck it! I'll just buy one to get me through....and months later I am buying oxys everyday....and worse than ever. I don't even feel that great on them anymore but I refuse to graduate to anything else. But hell, thats what I said a year ago with the lortabs, right?
            So anyway I am just scaring myself I guess because I can't believe I have sunk this low, and whats crazy is I am actually upholding a very "normal" life, I go to school, make ok grades, have two jobs, a boyfriend (who is not a good influence I am sure) and my own apartment....for now. But I just worry myself that one day soon my pills will get more important than my school, or my rent, and i'll be like those junkies on intervention. God I wish someone would do that to me so I could have an escape route! I just don't even know what my first step should be. I broke down and called my mom in the middle of the night two nights ago crying, and told her everything, and told her that I needed help, that I needed to get away from my surroundings. She sounded concerned and told me that she would ask around for what our options are...but the next day she just acted like I didn't even tell her anything. She hasn't spoken about it since, like she's ignoring it or something! Maybe she just doesn't know how to deal with it either...but either way its clear she can't be bothered with helping me she has two jobs, and 3 little kids to take care of. I couldn't even go live with her, not because she would refuse, she is the kindest woman alive, but because I know I would be too much of a burden on her living on her sofa like some bum.
                I have lost all of my friends, except my boyfriend. Today I went in my phone book, and I don't live in a very big city, so "drug rehab" options were pretty limited...and the places that I did call either had a 2 month waiting list, or cost thousands of dollars. Hell if I had thousands of dollars I wouldn't need rehab ha! I just feel so low right now, so stupid and selfish. I just don't understand how people can be happy sober! I mean I REALLY don't get it! Because after I get over the physical withdrawals, thats when my real battle begins. Trying to find enjoyment out of just...playing frisby golf or going to a movie....sober. I just think there is something wrong with my brain that will keep me from EVER being fully happy with doing those things not high! I just wish I had a reason to believe I am capable of otherwise...
            Anyway sorry for the extra extra extra long writing for anyone who has read this far, but I actually feel a lot better now that I got all of that out...and it does help to come on here and see that others are in this boat with me. But seriously, if anyone has any options or sources that I can go to, or someone I can call who has done this before, or just advice period, PLEASE PLEASE I need a way out. I need to know what steps i can take. I am ready to end this cycle before it ends me. Thank you for reading.

Jordan

[jollyman069]

Well it's not easy anyway you get off of opiates, 75 days ago I made the decision to stop 4 years of Morphine and Percs, I was going to a pain specialist and got addicted. I was taking 30, 30mg morphine and 120m percs a month. I stopped cold turkey, I am 47 and have kidney failure, so if I can do this so can you, and there are many others here who have stopped this way, but you really want to quit. You will be so much happier to have control of your life, and be out of the fog of opiates. You will physically be sick for about 6 or 7 days like a bad flu, look at the health pages on the right side, they have many good ideas to help with wd's, and dont be afaird of the wd's, I am in really no pain since I got clean and I was going to the dr for chronic back pain. We are here to help and give you all the support we can, so you have already taken the first big step knowing you have to get off the pills so step out in faith and do this you will love your life so much more. God Bless and good luck if you need to chat vent feel free to pm me I am here everyday...brian

[gottagive]

thank you very much for the kind words brian...its not so much the wds i am fearing as having to cope and be happy with life afterwards. but you are right, if you and others far worse off than me can do it, then maybe I can too.

[jollyman069]

No you can do this, you are so young and have your whole life ahead of you, the mental part is tough but, post here often, and we will be here for you so get determined and make today the first day of being clean and sober and having a long and happy drug free life...brian

[outotown]

Im 45 was hurt at work in 04, I still have 2 herniated disc in my back, and im in constant pain, I had to go to rehab. and have a Dr help, BUT if I had it to do over the cold turkey way is the shotest way, but then the after care comes in, Im on here everyday, reading post and try'n to answer questions that others may have. I have made great friends on here and there is sooooo much support here also. You are young and that is a plus for you. It seems that the younger ones get thur the w/d a little easier, keep psoting and Good Luck Aaron, you will get alot of good advice and nonjudgemental love and support

[flmagi]

Hi Jordan, Welcome to the forum.
It's a little slow today because of the holiday.
You have taken the first step to recovery by getting on this forum and admitting you have a serious problem. And yes, eventually you will loose everything, school, jobs, family.... and your life...or you'll end up in jail.
Look on the Internet for Narcotics Anonymous and get to a meeting/s. Get with people who understand what you're going thru and are there to help. No, you don't have to be sober yet, just the desire to be clean. It's free.
Stick with this forum, we will help you thru this.
There are a number of options to get clean and you don't need a lot of money for most of them....
Tapering: lowering your dose, daily or weekly til your off. This can be hard unless you have someone very strong to hold your pills and only give you the amount needed to stick with your taper schedule.
Cold Turkey: This is the quickest way. But you'll need a few days off from work etc. You'll be extremely sick, feel like you want to die, but by day 5-7 you'll be feeling better. After that is when those NA meetings will be important. You can do cold turkey alone if necessary, many of us have.
Suboxone:  An expensive drug (unless you have insurance that will cover it) used for getting clean.  It is also addictive, but it gives you the time needed to get your life back in order. Read everything you can about it, if you think this may be an option you want. I've been on Suboxone for 1 1/2 years. It saved my life, but it has it's down sides.
Rehab centers: I think they all cost money.
Keep talking to us and know that there is Life after Drugs, a better life. I know it sounds impossible, but most people live happy lives without opiates.
Talk again with your mom. It's good that you have a family member you can talk to. Maybe she can just help you some what while you go thru withdrawals. You don't need to be at her house. Actually going thru withdrawals with a bunch of kids running around might not be the most desirable situation. Sometimes being alone is best. You always have all of us here on the forum, when you want to talk.
Think about which way you want to proceed with getting clean and we'll help.
Hang in there & keep posting.
Magi

[gottagive]

thanks a lot maggie.....a few questions about the NA meetings, I have considered those, but I think I may have a serious social anxiety problem, because I just feel like I would walk into a room full of people who all stare at me, and expect me to just talk about everyone to strangers, and I would probably be one of the youngest, and do you have to sign up or let them know you are coming? How many people are at the meetings? Do you just go around the room and tell your stories? Will I have to talk? Thanks again for everything.

[gottagive]

and would they think I shouldn't be there or laugh at me if I only take a couple of pills a day? Because i read on here people taking handfuls of oxycontin 80's and thats a lot more than me...or people on heroin...I just wouldn't want anyone to say, "so why are you here then?" if I do open up and tell them my story.

[flmagi]

I understand the social anxiety problem, but the people will welcome you. You don't have to say a word. You don't have to sign up or anything, you just go. Sit in the back if you get nervous. Each meeting will have different amounts of people, of all different ages.....lots of young people too. If they ask you to talk, all you have to say is you're not comfortable at this time. Remember, everyone of them are going thru or have gone thru, exactly the same thing you are.  They usually start out with some prayer stuff, then some of the old timers read stuff, That can be a little weird at first, but hang in there. Then people talk, if they want to, about stuff they're going thru or about how they went thru recovery....all different stuff.  But you do not have to talk at the first meeting, or the 2nd etc, not until you're comfortable and ready.
Give it a try.
Good luck.

[ballingurlie33]

Hey I can so relate to you its not even funny. I am 22 male but ill be 23 in two weeks but I know how you feel. I am only at day 7 from getting off of some sort of opiates. I was recently on 100mg of methadoine. There is always that route but that can be just as bad/addicting as oxy's and usually all you end up doing is going up. Most methadone clinics are for profit and dont give a **** about you and they just want your money. It cost me about $10-$13 a day but it is still way better than doing oxys. I did just about what you did and once you start on oxys there is no turning back it seems like. But hey if you do stick it out you do get better. But as long as you know users you will most likely use. You should really try and convince you boyfriend that he has hit rock bottom, and if he has not you might have to wait and maybe even go to the extrerme and kick him out so he realizes he has hit rock bottom. I know that will be the hardest thing to do but unless someone hits bottom they wont even consider stopping or admitting they have a problem. When I first went on suboxone the first thing I did was delete and get rid of every phone # and changed my own phone #. I highly reccommend doing this because those people arent friends. Then you need to do something to develop tools to battle addiction so you dont relapse. Rehab does teach that, but personally I have a son and didnt want to miss any milestones and be there for him no matter what. But if you could afforrd it and can afford going away for 30 days you should consider it. Also do a lot of research because the more you know the better. Email me at ***@****. I might be able to help you get started on suboxone if all else fails. Good luck and dont stop posting it does help, and most importantly stay positive.

[flmagi]

You don't even have to tell them what you've taken or how much. No, they will not laugh at you....at all   !!!!!
An addict is an addict......2 pills or a 1000.

[flmagi]

P.S. NA also has meetings almost everyday at all different times. Try one and if you don't like it try another meeting somewhere else. People move around til they find the ones they feel most comfortable at.
Na meetings aren't for everyone, but it's definitely something everyone should try at least a couple of times, especially if you don't have a lot of support at home or with friends.

[ballingurlie33]

At N/A I have never met more accepting and non-judgemental people. I can promise you that no would laugh at you. Like flmagi said,"Try one and if you don't like it try another meeting somewhere else." Good Luck and keep it up.

[worried878]

like flmagi said..there is alot of support here..and u r not the first person with this problem by a long shot...dont feel alone,, cos ur not alone..making a plan is important..u dint say ur dose or doc now..but whaterver it is u gotta make a plan..have a goal and work towards it...meetings r everywhere...and do not be afraid to get support..keep posting